A [NOUN] for Christmas

December 1, 2015 5:09 PM

Your guide to this year's Lifetime Christmas movies

(and a guide to the Hallmark Channel's offerings)

posted by Iridic (49 comments total)

I don't know how I feel about these. They are super-bougie, but they seem to be one of the few ways that women actors who are slightly too old to be playing teenagers or twenty-somethings can get starring roles these days.

Possibly the worst of these I ever saw was Little Women updated for 2012.
posted by infinitewindow at 5:21 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

Updated for 2012? How would that even work? Would Professor Bhaer give Jo a hard time for making money by producing dinosaur erotica for the Kindle?

Like you say, it is a tough market for these actresses. I didn't know Mayim Bialik was even in the business anymore; I thought she went into blogging and pseudoscience full-time.

I would watch a ghost romance movie, but it would have to be a lot more horrifying. I don't mean bloody-handed Crimson Peak type horrifying, just horrifying in that you've got this man in your house who doesn't want you to work or drink alcohol or use tampons and you can't make him leave.
posted by Countess Elena at 5:32 PM on December 1, 2015 [4 favorites]

Like you say, it is a tough market for these actresses. I didn't know Mayim Bialik was even in the business anymore; I thought she went into blogging and pseudoscience full-time.

Mayim Bialik has been a main cast member on The Big Bang Theory for several years now.
posted by Nerd of the North at 5:41 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

It's too bad that Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever didn't make the cut. It airs on the 24th at 10 AM, but if you need a little Christmas, right this very minute…
posted by ob1quixote at 5:41 PM on December 1, 2015

I would never watch any of these, but it actually makes me feel good to know that these kind of movies exist if only because I like the idea that some of the actors I've enjoyed in years gone by (like Mr. and Mrs. Keaton and Mr. and Mrs. Winslow and Bianca Stratford) can still pick up a paycheck now and again.
posted by The Gooch at 5:48 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

But what we really want is an Unreal Christmas special.
posted by roger ackroyd at 5:51 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

Dunno how the movies are but that article is basically perfect.
posted by Eyebeams at 6:05 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

This reminded me of what someone said on a site I frequent about the Hallmark Channel's Christmas movies:

"I know a guy who writes one Hallmark Channel Christmas Week script a year. He gets about $10,000 for it. They apparently have a big list of Christmas related titles they want to use, they have potential writers pick out five, the writer pitches five possibilities, they pick one, he has three weeks to write it, they shoot it in five, it's in the can and never seen or watched ever again once the Christmas season is over. There's apparently dozens of these, he says he likely owns the only copies of his films because nobody puts them out on home media, nobody records things anymore and once they're done Hallmark Channel effectively retires them.

The most recent one he did was about a Canadian boy and an American girl bonding over a matchmaking Yorkshire terrier in a snowstorm. I forget what the title was."
posted by BiggerJ at 6:21 PM on December 1, 2015 [9 favorites]

Would Professor Bhaer give Jo a hard time for making money by producing dinosaur erotica for the Kindle?

I'm sold.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 6:22 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

We were watching one of these from last year where this travel agent guy falls on hard times when the agency closes. And this IRL version of a Sears Wishbook model casts a frown across his impossibly handsome white middle aged guy face, just below his $250 haircut and just above his swanky upper middle class clothes and says "Where am I supposed to find a job?"

Anywhere, dude. Literally anywhere.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:27 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

If someone wanted to snark watch these on Fanfare, I would totally be in. I grew up in a house obsessed with these and I both love and hate them.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:28 PM on December 1, 2015 [6 favorites]

Eh, I periodically watch some of these types of movies, and a few are not too bad, *if* you grade on a curve. They are of course mostly extremely formulaic. This year's crop seems really insipid to me. They are often based on romance novels so take that for what it is worth.

(Note though that I have a personal rule that I never watch any of these movies that include major intervention by real angels, or any where Santa, any Santa family members, or elves are "real" and a significant plot element. I'm not particularly religious either, so if god/church is a major element, I opt out of that as well.)

During the holidays, starting around Thanksgiving, the older movies get shown again (often multiple times) on the Hallmark channel, and on Lifetime, and some are also available on DVD, Hulu, etc.. With all that said, if you want to give some a try, I can guardedly recommend a few past movies of this type: Love at the Christmas Table (available on Hulu and Amazon and probably the one I would watch if you only pick one), Window Wonderland, The Most Wonderful Time of the Year, and, an older one - On the 2nd Day of Christmas.
posted by gudrun at 7:06 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

@gundrum, you wouldn't even watch the one about Santa's reindeer handler who has to convince the tough-as-nails Alaskan rancher-ess to lend him one of her animals before D-Day, with the B-plot send up of Citizen Kane ("Last Chance for Christmas")?

Cause I have to say that this list convinced me to watch that one, at least.
posted by subdee at 7:16 PM on December 1, 2015 [5 favorites]

I like to watch bad christmas movies on netflix when it is cold and I am making christmas cookies, which means now (as in all year long) all netflix recommends is like, 1/3 jessica jones, 2/3 marry me for christmas
posted by likeatoaster at 7:17 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

Oh hells, no, subdee. Here's a preview for Last Chance for Christmas. Not even worth a snark watch for me.
posted by gudrun at 7:26 PM on December 1, 2015

My mom LOVES these movies. If I visit my parents any time between November 1 and January 1 there is pretty much guaranteed to be one on the TV. I know these are considered a mom thing, stereotypically, but my mom in particular tends toward watching largely blockbuster action movies (MCU Thor and The Day After Tomorrow are two perennial favorites, along with Last of the Mohicans if that counts...I offered a spa day or a garden tour for Mother's Day this year and she said "no way, take me to see Avengers 2!") and dark Scandinavian TV crime dramas throughout most of the year. So the complete inexplicability of my mom's Hallmark Christmas movie obsession just makes it all the more beautiful.
posted by capricorn at 7:36 PM on December 1, 2015 [11 favorites]

(I mean, to be fair, she's definitely snark-watching them. But it's a gleeful, enthusiastic snark-watch.)
posted by capricorn at 7:39 PM on December 1, 2015

I'll be over here holding out for a pastel sweater Jack Frost spinoff.
posted by No-sword at 7:48 PM on December 1, 2015

I should look up the title of the Miracle on 34th Street ripoff I watched last year, starring Steve Gutenberg as the love interest/Santa (or rather, Santa's son). It was quite entertaining, rated on a curve.
posted by muddgirl at 7:50 PM on December 1, 2015

Not Q-mas themed but I loved the Hallmark Sherlock Holmes with Frewer and the guy who plays everyone.

Also, check out the Henry Winkler version of 'A Christmas Carol'
posted by clavdivs at 7:51 PM on December 1, 2015

OMG, one of these has Rick Fox in it!! Must watch, even though idealized representations of the foster system make me a little ill.
posted by Tentacle of Trust at 7:55 PM on December 1, 2015

My wife and I save our snark fest for any airing of White Christmas. My cousin and his wife are quite fond of musicals, my wife and I quite a bit less than fond. But we all four love to snark (MSTK is huge in our family). So an airing of White Christmas is quite an occasion and it escalates every year. One of these days we have to record us doing it.
posted by Ber at 7:58 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

I can't hatewatch these anymore unless I am literally being paid by the hour.
posted by infinitewindow at 8:08 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

Possibly the worst of these I ever saw was Little Women updated for 2012.

*twitch*

I saw this. I think "worst" might be too mild a descriptor. It was terrible as a modernized version of Little Women, terrible as a Lifetime Movie (in any and all meanings of "terrible" in the context of Lifetime movies. It was even terrible at being snarkable-at-terrible), and terrible as holiday romance. It was called "The March Sisters at Christmas" in an effort to avoid any "This isn't Little Women!" complaints about a story that was based on a 30 second recap the scriptwriter overheard at a coffeeshop. The sister characterizations ranged from disagreeable to unlikable with stops at boring and bland. Amy may have been painted as the mustache-twirling faux-redeemed at the end villain in this movie, but Jo was just awful, and yet it was clear we were supposed to be rooting for her and think her wonderful. I was rooting for a tornado.
posted by julen at 8:15 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

once they're done Hallmark Channel effectively retires them.

As an expert on these, I can tell you this is 100 percent not true. They rerun them in later years if people like them. They also have done an event, I believe, where they did Christmas in July and ran these movies for a week.

I concur that Actual Santa and Actual Elf ones are the worst ones.

My favorite is called THE NINE LIVES OF CHRISTMAS, and it involves Brandon Routh as a firefighter who adopts a cat.

Some people like cookies at holiday time. I like these.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 8:19 PM on December 1, 2015 [13 favorites]

You all say what you want about Lifetime movies but I will stand by my contention that their Flowers in the Attic franchise was flat-out excellent and pretty much everything I wanted it to be.
posted by triggerfinger at 8:26 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

Oh my god, I freaking loved that orange cat in Nine Lives. I am also just generally tickled by Brandon Routh and Candace Cameron (and Autumn Reeser if you spot her in the Thanksgiving parade one) in general.

Dirty Old Town, I'm in if you want to do a Fanfare, albeit eventually. I don't have cable so I only see these when I'm at my mom's (and the only one I've actually seen so far this year is Ice Sculpture Christmas), but holiday time is coming and I pretty much assume we're doing nothing BUT watching those movies all day and night. They are surprisingly addictive.

I kinda want to do a spoof show and call it "Lifemark Halltime" and do one in which you make a movie about Hanukkah in the style of Christmas movies. Like, counting down to the day when the heroine loses her job (because EVERYONE IS FIRED FOR CHRISTMAS) and shit like that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:49 PM on December 1, 2015 [6 favorites]

Countess Elena: I thought she went into blogging and pseudoscience full-time.

Nerd of the North: Mayim Bialik has been a main cast member on The Big Bang Theory for several years now.

Which is pseudoscience full-time.
posted by numaner at 8:56 PM on December 1, 2015

As with any group of things, the individual parts are both good and bad. The better ones are almost at Renée Zellweger rom-com level (okay I realize this is a damned by faint praise metric). The bad ones are just a long, slow grind. The one my parents (actually my dad in this particular example) had on tonight fell into the latter category.

I know it's easy to be all superior about how these things are just low-brow, intellectually vapid paint-by-numbers productions, but sometimes they're the best option going and fit people's watching criteria. Tonight, for example, I know exactly why the movie got turned on. It was about the only thing on in the timeslot that wasn't sci-fi (SHIELD, Limitless) or a reality show/reality competition. They're also typically devoid of murder/CSI/extreme violence plotlines and graphics.

Generally, these things work and find an audience because they have a straightforward narrative structure, familiar faces and solid character actors filling the supporting parts, and, most importantly, a hopeful message--that no matter how much you screwed up your life, you'll find love and happiness. Typically this comes after the main character has attempted to do all the right things, and has worked her tail off, but still finds life missing something important. And while that may be hokey, it's pretty much the message that we always like to tell ourselves. Hell, it's the message that everybody gets who posts an Ask along the lines of "I'm X-years-old, and I've never dated seriously/just broken up with my significant other and I'm afraid I'll be alone for the rest of my life." What do we post as answers? "Don't worry, everybody will find love," or "there are seven billion people in the world. Odds are good somebody will love you." Personally I think that's often a load of bunk and not the most helpful answer to somebody worried about the future, but it seems to be the default human response: to want to tell people happiness is possible and to provide hope.
posted by sardonyx at 9:03 PM on December 1, 2015 [7 favorites]

julen, that was one I was actually paid by the hour to watch. You are correct, it was painfully bad, not even in a "so bad it's good" way.
posted by infinitewindow at 9:20 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

I know it's easy to be all superior about how these things are just low-brow, intellectually vapid paint-by-numbers productions, but sometimes they're the best option going and fit people's watching criteria.

Your analysis is so right. I watch these things when I'm visiting my folks for Christmas, usually with my mom, and we roll our eyes and snark but the experience, on the whole, is enjoyable as long as the script is not truly painfully terrible. My favorite (so awful) one was Crazy for Christmas, with Howard Hesseman playing a rich guy trying to buy back his daughter's love.

The motivation for us is (a) we're in a seasonal mood and want to watch something Christmas themed, and (b) everything else on TV is sports or exploding and (c) we don't want to "waste" a good holiday DVD at the moment because we're saving it for a more focused watching opportunity. It's like the way you eat office candy because it's there, not because you specifically love and want that kind of candy.
posted by Miko at 9:26 PM on December 1, 2015 [4 favorites]

Seconding "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" as enjoyable. A lot of them are just kind of silly fun; you can get them in four- or six-packs at Amazon. The worst one I've seen- that still gets a cringe whenever it's mentioned- is Moonlight and Mistletoe, with a super off-putting and creepy Tom Arnold.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 9:46 PM on December 1, 2015

And don't think that the US is the only country with horrible holiday specials.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:45 PM on December 1, 2015

WGA minimum rate for an MOW (story and teleplay) is around $75,000, so it's possible to sell one a year and survive. 10K is bs.
posted by Ideefixe at 11:32 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

They're also typically devoid of murder/CSI/extreme violence plotlines and graphics.

typically...
posted by ennui.bz at 11:47 PM on December 1, 2015

I love these movies SO MUCH. I love how the main characters are all women (and they're all named Holly or Eve or Carol) and how often there's some minor supernatural plot ripped off from a big-budget movie of the last 20 years ("Sliding Doors... but at Christmas!" etc), how Santa's hot son is always called Nick and/or Santa's cheerful daughter always wears big red dresses, like a harlequinade or an ancient tragedy, shuffling the characters around to find new ways to combine or retell them. I love the basic plot of "busy career woman in her mid-thirties has forgotten about the spirit of Christmas but then something happens to revive it within her", and the alternative basic plot of "women in her early thirties gets engaged to a busy career man but he doesn't understand the importance of Christmas, and she needs to break off the engagement in favour of a tousle-haired cowboy or toymaker".

I love how the way you can tell someone's a villain in need of redemption is, in a Christmas movie, that they cut in line at the coffee shop.

I love how the movies are meant to make the people watching them feel good about themselves, because: like, you won't be watching them unless you're pretty pro-Christmas, right? So having a message that ends up as "the spirit of Christmas is important" is by definition saying "...and you're okay! You made okay choices" to the person watching.

I love how there are at least two separate Christmas movies about getting trapped in a Christmas snowglobe, and at least one of them ("Snowglobe") is pretty good. I love how the movies get in, introduce their characters, have conflict, have a daft supernatural plot - often with parallel timelines or multiple worlds or whatever - and then get out in maybe an hour and a half.

I love how people in the movie world know that Christmas movies exist - A Star for Christmas in particular is amazing, showing occasional scenes from a Christmas action movie that the male lead is starring in (when he's not undercover baking cupcakes in the heroine's cupcake shop).

They're just the best.
posted by severalbees at 2:46 AM on December 2, 2015 [19 favorites]

It was called "The March Sisters at Christmas" in an effort to avoid any "This isn't Little Women!" complaints

Jo marries Laurie????
posted by TWinbrook8 at 2:53 AM on December 2, 2015

"Die Hard" continues to be my family's favorite Christmas movie, year after year. If we were to watch any of these Lifetime movies, it would be a sugar overload.
posted by Wylie Kyoto at 5:29 AM on December 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Snowglobe!, thanks severalbees, I forgot that one and it is actually kind of surreal fun. You can see it online.
posted by gudrun at 6:50 AM on December 2, 2015

a Canadian boy and an American girl bonding over a matchmaking Yorkshire terrier in a snowstorm

Not only are matchmaking dog / Christmas movies my favorite genre I'm pretty sure I saw this movie.
posted by Ashwagandha at 7:15 AM on December 2, 2015 [3 favorites]

My wife and I watched one of these last year, the premise of which was a Jewish boy who dreamed of having a traditional, snowy Christmas but he's getting shipped to his grandparents in Florida for the holidays. I forget what the other kid's deal was, but he was some traditional WASPy kid who was getting sent to Very Traditional Christmas with some relatives because his family couldn't afford Xmas, or something.

OH HO, DEAR READERS, THESE BOYS COULD BE TWINS and upon meeting at the airport, they decide to swap trips. So WASPy kid goes to Florida, every Jewish stereotype ever gets the lulz. And the other kid gets his snowy Christmas and solves the WASP boy's family problems. Or something.

The jig is up eventually, but oh, the intercultural lessons.
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:06 AM on December 2, 2015 [5 favorites]

My wife and I have a soft spot for these movies. I joke that I really like the one where the type-A Manhattan woman (late 20s, skinny, a bit clumsy, high-strung) ends up in some quaint seaside town and crosses paths with ruggedly handsome yet sarcastic single man (who works with his hands) whom she dislikes on sight.

But we watched one on Black Friday, and after about a half-movie's worth of commercials, I was done with Christmas.

(And... it's safe viewing for all generations in the family, and a nice alternative to those cooking and house channels.)
posted by kurumi at 9:06 AM on December 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

I know a guy who writes one Hallmark Channel Christmas Week script a year. He gets about $10,000 for it. They apparently have a big list of Christmas related titles they want to use, they have potential writers pick out five, the writer pitches five possibilities, they pick one, he has three weeks to write it, they shoot it in five, it's in the can and never seen or watched ever again once the Christmas season is over.

This describes my dream job pretty perfectly. I could be so good at happy and disposable media, if only I knew how to break in.
posted by Think_Long at 9:45 AM on December 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'm sad because there hasn't been a Mrs. Miracle film made since 2010.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 10:13 AM on December 2, 2015

I kinda want to do a spoof show and call it "Lifemark Halltime" and do one in which you make a movie about Hanukkah in the style of Christmas movies. Like, counting down to the day when the heroine loses her job (because EVERYONE IS FIRED FOR CHRISTMAS) and shit like that.

um I would watch the everloving SHIT out of that
posted by palomar at 11:11 AM on December 2, 2015

I'm a fan of 2013's Christmas Bounty, featuring WWE Superstar and major Hollywood actor The Miz. He's in another one this year, but it's straight-to-DVD-and-streaming, no broadcast release, unfortunately.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:01 PM on December 2, 2015

The last thing I want to watch at Christmas is a film about Christmas!
posted by splinky at 1:55 PM on December 2, 2015

Oh man, I can't get enough. Since I started playing the Christmas tunes my personal stress level went down by a bout a good 15-20%. Bring it on. Saccharine, sentimental, romantic, slushy, treacly, not about work? It's a nice fucking break from the usual shit.
posted by Miko at 8:23 PM on December 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Put another way, I am the ideal next main character for one of these films.
posted by Miko at 8:23 PM on December 2, 2015 [5 favorites]