no one suffers from avoidable heart disease like gaston

December 7, 2015 10:32 AM

Gaston, That is Too Many Eggs

Further discussion of Gaston's estimated daily caloric intake.

posted by poffin boffin (65 comments total)

I bet I can eat 50
posted by TedW at 10:35 AM on December 7, 2015 [10 favorites]

Now I want a Cool Hand Luke mashup.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:37 AM on December 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

Dammit TedW...
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:38 AM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

that's an oeuf eggs, Gaston
posted by XMLicious at 10:39 AM on December 7, 2015 [19 favorites]

My boy says he can eat 50 eggs, he can eat 50 eggs!
posted by Floydd at 10:39 AM on December 7, 2015 [6 favorites]

what this article fails to note is that gaston has a rare genetic mutation that allows him to metabolize cholesterol into body hair
posted by murphy slaw at 10:40 AM on December 7, 2015 [8 favorites]

And then there's this 88 year old gentleman who ate 25 eggs a day and had normal cholesterol.
posted by TedW at 10:41 AM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]

What does he even do to be able to afford all these eggs, does he even have an actual job other than flexing in the tavern?
posted by poffin boffin at 10:41 AM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]

Gaston is much better at this game than Steve Harwell was.
posted by delfin at 10:41 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

I made the smash mouth guy eat so many eggs
posted by The Whelk at 10:41 AM on December 7, 2015 [8 favorites]

Well, it's a question of units, basically, isn't it. In ostrich eggs, it's only 2 (as a lad) or 2.5 as an adult. Two and a half eggs isn't a lot, now, is it, snarky blog writer? Units!
posted by Wolfdog at 10:42 AM on December 7, 2015

I laughed a lot at "(literal) benching".
posted by unregistered_animagus at 10:42 AM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

What does he even do to be able to afford all these eggs, does he even have an actual job other than flexing in the tavern?

I think he's the town Hunter but I also know if you have a semi decent chicken operation going you will end up with So Many Eggs.

most of French cusine is dealing with the problem of EGGS EGGS EVERYWHERE
posted by The Whelk at 10:42 AM on December 7, 2015 [11 favorites]

Maybe it's just for leg day egg day
posted by aydeejones at 10:45 AM on December 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

What does he even do to be able to afford all these eggs

Well all the chicks are really into him, so... when they grow into hens they willingly feed him their children.

<<insert Far Side comic of giant chickens eating scrambled babies here>>
posted by XMLicious at 10:46 AM on December 7, 2015

Also how many people even live in this small provincial town? If the egg market is booming as has been posited above why are there not more market stalls dedicated solely to the sale of eggs? AFAIK there is only that one bakery, how many eggs is he using per day? Even the most modest loaf of brioche is going to need at least 4 eggs.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:46 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

No ... one ...
tans hides like Gaston,
lusts for brides like Gaston,

No one has triglycerides like Gaston!
posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:48 AM on December 7, 2015 [35 favorites]

Guys it's important to stay on the topic of Gastonomy and not get derailed by matters of eggonomics or eggriculture.
posted by ardgedee at 10:52 AM on December 7, 2015 [18 favorites]

That's as many as six tens! And that's terrible!
posted by JDHarper at 10:52 AM on December 7, 2015 [17 favorites]

Maybe they were quail eggs, which are quite a bit smaller than chicken eggs and would slide down Gaston's manly gullet with ease.

Now I have a mental image of Gaston chasing a quail across a quaint French pasture each morning, catching it, gulping down what eggs it has available straight from the source, then discarding it in favor of another egg-laden quail.

Now I would like a different mental image. Please. Help me.
posted by delfin at 10:53 AM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]

Greg I fully support your journey into real life year long Gaston impersonating
posted by The Whelk at 10:53 AM on December 7, 2015 [6 favorites]

Maybe it's just for leg day egg day

Gaston strikes me as the type to skip leg day.
posted by drezdn at 10:54 AM on December 7, 2015 [6 favorites]

I threw up in my mouth just thinking of eating that many eggs in one sitting.
posted by cynical pinnacle at 10:54 AM on December 7, 2015

I have recently upped my egg intake for workout purposes and I am sad to report that I am not even the size of a playmobil tugboat.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:54 AM on December 7, 2015 [19 favorites]

That song is pure hagiography tho.
posted by peripathetic at 10:59 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Mr. Gaston, if you really have biceps to spare, please give some to me.

or at least let me touch them
posted by yellowbinder at 11:02 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

First thought: How can I find a job like this, where I combine Disney characters and simple arithmetic into a widely shared blog post?

Second thought: Gaston is still a douche, but the eating eggs in the morning reminds me very much of a trope I saw in 90s/early 00s movies, where manly men ate eggs in the morning. Is that still a thing in media?
posted by yueliang at 11:07 AM on December 7, 2015

Nobody fosters delightful conversational tangents like Gaston.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:09 AM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]

manly men ate eggs in the morning. Is that still a thing in media?

Yes, it's called breakfast.
posted by jeather at 11:09 AM on December 7, 2015 [8 favorites]

Excellent. I am basically just a sentient program that emails anything Gaston-related to my brother (Gaston's #1 fan) so I appreciate this. I full expect to receive a lengthy apologia related to Gaston's egg consumption in reply as that young man basically believes that if it is done by Gaston it is the Right Thing so I look forward to him explaining to me how this is definitely the correct number of eggs to eat. Then he will use antlers in all of his decorating.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 11:09 AM on December 7, 2015 [14 favorites]

Also, using raw eggs as the protein source (and major overall ingredient in) a breakfast smoothie was also A Thing. Maybe it still is, I dunno.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:19 AM on December 7, 2015

I made the smash mouth guy eat so many eggs

Ironically, that caused the startup I was working it to almost go out of business. We promoted the shit out of a live stream of this, and then they decided last minute to not show it live.
posted by sideshow at 11:20 AM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

I've eaten 24 large eggs in a sitting, which has a caloric count of roughly 1728;

24 eggs is perfect cube demonstrating simultaneous 4-day time omelette.
posted by Wolfdog at 11:22 AM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]

Maybe it still is, I dunno.

When you are eating larger than normal amounts of protein for muscle-embiggening purposes one of the things you eventually become incredibly fucking tired of doing is CHEWING. Like how many hours of the day do you think you spend chewing chicken? For me sometimes it is 500. Yes, 500 hours per day.

i am not quite at the egg-drinking point of my life but i'm in the waiting room reading the magazines.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:23 AM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]

♫ No-one dies like Gaston / No-one's wise as Gaston / No-one's got a hard strength in his prize like Gaston ♫
posted by maryr at 11:24 AM on December 7, 2015 [8 favorites]

You could drink raw eggs (with a little pepper and worcheshire sauce, natch) safely before factory farming made salmonella more prevalent and inside the yoke (the raw eggs and stout I had for breakfast was eaten either at the house near Cork with its own heritage farm or the place in Maine with same) very quickly deals with the breakfast question.
posted by The Whelk at 11:25 AM on December 7, 2015

♫ No-one dies like Gaston / No-one's wise as Gaston / No-one's got a hard strength in his prize like Gaston ♫

OK, let's just stop the thread, forget about the eggs, and make it all about that link instead.
posted by Wolfdog at 11:26 AM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

My go-to resource for insane eating stories is Matt Reynolds' Eating Through the Sticking Points. It includes many prodigious feats, such as:

Another close friend and part of my powerlifting team in the 2000s, Nate Gentges, (5'6" 165-pound class to 220-pound class in 4 years) tried to push his weight up even further to 242 pounds 2 years ago to compete at the APF senior nationals. The last 4 weeks out from the meet his last meal of the night was a large glass of milk and 6 eggs with a half a bag of Jimmy Dean Skillet Mix. The result? He benched a junior world record in a PR total.

The egg stories are lackluster compared to Gaston, but in a meat- and dairy-deprived town with a surplus of hens, 50 eggs a day would be a fine approach to supply one's lifting endeavors.
posted by daveliepmann at 11:34 AM on December 7, 2015

My "Are Eggs Good for You or Not?" calendar must be off. I could have sworn that this week they are good for you and don't raise your cholesterol. It's next week that they kill you.
posted by soelo at 11:35 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Greg I fully support your journey into real life year long Gaston impersonating

I have personally seen Greg eat an enormous brunch and then polish off the left-over brunch halves from four other people.

In the midwest.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:38 AM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]

Luckily you stopped him before he spread mustard on your children and devoured them as well.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:40 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Reminder.
posted by mhoye at 11:41 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Gaston is not a villain
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 11:43 AM on December 7, 2015

What? How?
posted by maryr at 11:51 AM on December 7, 2015

Luckily you stopped him before he spread mustard on your children and devoured them as well.

I convinced him that making your own mustard is a simple 4-hour process and I escaped while he was trying to choose which mortar & pestle to use
posted by shakespeherian at 11:52 AM on December 7, 2015 [15 favorites]

We're on to you, Lefou.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:55 AM on December 7, 2015

Of course, we all remember that Michael Phelps eat 12K calories / day. So if Gaston keeps it small later in the day, it should be okay.
posted by Going To Maine at 12:06 PM on December 7, 2015

Hens that my inlaws own, while they're still in their prime, lay 1-2 eggs a day apiece. Gaston just needs a good-sized flock; 60 hens isn't a lot, he could have a few more to breed replacement chickens, and he could make money by selling off chickens when their egg production goes down but they are still tasty enough to eat. His hunting prowess means there's not that many predators around to eat his flock.

My headcanon is that Gaston lives with his mom and she does all the housekeeping. She probably gathers the eggs and feeds the chickens too.
posted by emjaybee at 12:12 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

I just got back from squat/overhead press/deadlift and read this thread. In its honor, I ate six eggs in addition to my normal dinner.
posted by daveliepmann at 12:15 PM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

Maybe it's just egg whites?

No one protein-loads like Gaston,
No one's farts stink like Gaston!
posted by blue_beetle at 12:18 PM on December 7, 2015

And his mother lifts the chickens all day to get the eggs out from under them, so she is also the size of a barge. Lifting chickens is great for your delts.
posted by maryr at 12:48 PM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

...I would bet he squats at least 300.

So, it's agreed, he's skipping leg day.
posted by madajb at 12:50 PM on December 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

Incidentally, "Lifting Chickens" is the name of my new indie band.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:11 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Lifting chickens is great for your delts.

the hens themselves are doing innumerable squat reps every day getting on and off those eggs.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:15 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

That's why chicken legs taste so good.
posted by maryr at 2:18 PM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

> "When you are eating larger than normal amounts of protein for muscle-embiggening purposes one of the things you eventually become incredibly fucking tired of doing is CHEWING."

I make smoothies.
posted by kyrademon at 2:51 PM on December 7, 2015

Everyone's just taking this claim at face value?

It's clearly an eggsageration.
posted by ODiV at 3:00 PM on December 7, 2015

I make smoothies.

there is only so much fruit i can have in a day before things become a little too smoothie iykwim
posted by poffin boffin at 3:24 PM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

greg, please don't eat 5 dozen eggs
posted by likeatoaster at 3:44 PM on December 7, 2015 [8 favorites]

ooooOOOOOooooooo
posted by shakespeherian at 6:25 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

gregs in trouble
posted by poffin boffin at 9:23 PM on December 7, 2015

Incidentally, "Gregs In Trouble" is the name of my latest collaboration with...well, I'm sure you can figure it out...

it involves dairy products
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:11 PM on December 7, 2015

Mr. Gaston, if you really have biceps to spare, please give some to me.
or at least let me touch them

OK, who bought Purple Aki the Metafilter account?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:45 AM on December 8, 2015

I'm much smaller that Gaston and my baseline is 3200 calories a day to maintain weight. Laypeople vastly underestimate the caloric needs of intense physical activity.
posted by Nothing at 6:04 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

Now regretting my decision to have cold pizza for breakfast instead of my rightful eggs
posted by salix at 6:03 AM on December 10, 2015