Who Built The Moon? We did. Or... will.

December 8, 2015 1:44 PM

"At some time in the future humanity will embark upon the most distant and most important journey it is ever likely to take. It will be necessary to travel 4.6 billion years into the past to complete a massive engineering project to create Earth's Moon." Who Built the Moon?
posted by yellowbinder (56 comments total)

I certainly don't expect you to accept such an apparantly lunatic statement

Excellent choice of words
posted by Dr. Twist at 1:57 PM on December 8, 2015 [16 favorites]

How are you gentlemen !!

In 1884, meridian time personnel met in Washington to change Earth time. First words said was that only 1 day could be used on Earth to not change the 1 day bible. So they applied the 1 day and ignored the other 3 days. The bible time was wrong then and it proved wrong today.

Move 'ZIG" for great justice!

Also, this guy loves making assertions and then just not mentioning anything whatsoever to back the assertion up.

The Moon's surface is covered with gravitational anomalies that can't be easily explained and it could well be hollow at the centre (which all scientists who know about these things say should be impossible.)

Gravitational anomalies? Like what? Oh well, next paragraph.
posted by GuyZero at 1:59 PM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

Yeah, that giant molten-iron dynamo at the Earth's core which generates the force field protecting our atmosphere from the solar wind looks pretty suspicious too.
posted by straight at 1:59 PM on December 8, 2015 [9 favorites]

I'm not sure of the okayness of posting the pdf for sale in the main post, even for crazy such as this, but here it is at an estimated 60 words/page.
posted by yellowbinder at 2:02 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

We will have been going to have built the moon, surely?
posted by Merzbau at 2:05 PM on December 8, 2015 [28 favorites]

I actually love stuff like this. But then I'm not completely sane on my best days.
posted by Splunge at 2:09 PM on December 8, 2015 [6 favorites]

Also, this guy loves making assertions and then just not mentioning anything whatsoever to back the assertion up.

Dude, you have to buy the book. You're not going to fund the building of the Moon by giving away all the secrets for free on the Web, you know.
posted by nubs at 2:13 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

I really hope we don't all shit up this thread with our post-forbidden knowledge hipsterism.

It's fine if you don't even own a time cube, but it's nothing to brag about. It just makes you sound educated stupid.
posted by mccarty.tim at 2:14 PM on December 8, 2015 [18 favorites]

You know what happens next.
posted by vverse23 at 2:14 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

It bears repeating that everything is explained in The Big Book of Conspiracies. Not only would you know that, "We were warned off," of returning to the moon by the Galactic Federation or whomever is using it as a base, but you'd realize that goal of the moon landing program was to bring back moon rocks to power a ritual to… I've said too much.
posted by ob1quixote at 2:22 PM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

The moon feels kind of mailed-in, to be honest. Europa? Now that's a moon. Craftsmanship, is what I'm saying. Sea of Tranquility, I'll give you. Nice touch. The giant dick on the back side seems a little childish though.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:22 PM on December 8, 2015 [11 favorites]

He has a good point about the moving and wordless symbolism of the solar eclipse and the likely significance of the tides in the evolution of complex and terrestrial life, but time travel is stupid and impossible, it was probably a long-forgotten race of starfarers so powerful we may well name them God
posted by theodolite at 2:23 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'm reminded of the old comic book story by Alan Moore and Alan Davis featuring D.R. and Quinch in which they manipulated continental drift as a very long prank.
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:24 PM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

We will have been going to have built the moon, surely?

Dr. Streetmentioner prefers wiollen be havon on-built.
posted by chimaera at 2:30 PM on December 8, 2015 [17 favorites]

No, anyone current with Doctor Who will tell you the moon is an egg that will someday hatch. Then we'll rebuild it (that stuff in the show about a planet-sized monster laying another egg as a replacement is obviously hooey).
posted by ubiquity at 2:31 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

Some of you will want to see the figures and test them yourselves. Unfortunately there isn't room in this website to show all the mathematical proofs.

Foiled once again by the worldwide pixel shortage!
posted by Thorzdad at 2:44 PM on December 8, 2015 [21 favorites]

So, Obi-Wan was right, then?
posted by nubs at 2:45 PM on December 8, 2015 [7 favorites]

What was the name of that short sci fi story about the space/time traveller who was exploring an abandoned alien base on the moon millions of years in the past but royally fucked things up when he dropped an atomic desintegrator sculpting tool which promptly disappeared into the floor and when he returned to present day the Earth was a cloud covered lifeless Venus II because the moon was reduced to a shriveled walnut so he traveled back again to stop himself but in his panic went too far to when the aliens were still there and they chased him and boy talk about having a bad day.
posted by CynicalKnight at 3:04 PM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

No, no, here's the part that really blows your mind. What if, just what if, now that it's already up there... we don't go back in time and build it? Whoa! Right?
posted by Naberius at 3:13 PM on December 8, 2015 [9 favorites]

I thought the First Rule of "Who built the moon?" Club was.......
posted by OHenryPacey at 3:18 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

well okay for starters this madman assumes that the earth is a sphere that we're living on the outside of, which is just flatly ridiculous. Everyone knows that we're living on the inside surface of a hollow sphere, and that the sun, moon, planets and stars are all floating in the middle of this sphere. like, duh.

But wait, you say, we can see the curvature of the earth! you can stand at the seaside with a yardstick and see how the earth curves away downward!

and, look, I can see why amateurs might find that persuasive, but, well, I'm not yet at liberty to explain exactly how the curvature inversion process works. All I can say without incurring great personal risk — for both myself and the people who read this comment — is that it's done with mirrors.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 3:23 PM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

The giant dick on the back side seems a little childish though.

Uh, I think that was just Night Crew and the Borg having some fun.
posted by A dead Quaker at 3:33 PM on December 8, 2015

I can understand the crazy to some extent, but I cannot fathom how one can work around the inescapable truth: If we wouldn't be here without the moon, we wouldn't have been here to go back in time and create the moon.

Ergo, the moon was never built, thus humanity DOES NOT EXIST.
posted by caution live frogs at 3:34 PM on December 8, 2015 [7 favorites]

So that's what Peter Brady is up to these days.
posted by entropicamericana at 3:38 PM on December 8, 2015

If humanity were to develop the technology needed to travel back in time and construct the moon they most certainly would also be able to construct it using nothing but cheese. And they would do it because, well, seriously how could you not...
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:52 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

I enjoyed this bit:

A lot of the proofs are mathematically based. Some of you will want to see the figures and test them yourselves. Unfortunately there isn't room in this website to show all the mathematical proofs. To see those you will have to get our book 'Who Built the Moon' from the library (or better still buy it!)

I was going to sneer at his notion that any libraries would be stupid enough to buy the book, but according to Worldcat it's in 156 libraries worldwide. Sigh.
posted by Pink Frost at 3:56 PM on December 8, 2015

The Moon was placed in orbit as part of the controversial reintroduction of werewolves to the planet. It's expected to be removed once the local population has recovered enough to be taken off the intergalactic endangered species list.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 4:00 PM on December 8, 2015 [6 favorites]

Unfortunately there isn't room in this website to show all the mathematical proofs.

Should have been:

I have discovered a truly marvelous proof of this, which this website is too small to contain.
posted by thefoxgod at 4:18 PM on December 8, 2015 [17 favorites]

He seems altogether too relaxed about the whole thing. He doesn't even really seem to care whether we accept he's a genius. He's no George Hammond, and this theory is no SPOG.
posted by howfar at 4:28 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

The moon was "thrown in for free" when the Magratheans delivered the Earth. It's actually a dongle they had to add to work around some problems that sort of magically go away if you add in tides and occasional solar eclipses.
posted by w0mbat at 4:39 PM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

what if someone else had built the moon? someone with an ancient, eldritch knowledge of things that should not be? someone whose true name is not mentioned by the wise and murmured by the foolish? someone who will awaken someday and take charge of the realm his labor has brought into being? someone with tentacles and an incurable hangover? someone 0980-34tijiogjo0ihbfda8-u7r3-097u340jhoihpoifbu09u09joihgighghghpnmmm----------------------------------
posted by pyramid termite at 4:52 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

It's actually a dongle they had to add to work around some problems that sort of magically go away if you add in tides and occasional solar eclipses.

That's what their PR department says at least, but everyone knows the dongle only exists to enforce their stellar copyright protection scheme. If we don't keep paying them their annual licensing fees (which keep going up every year, BTW) it will tidally lock us out of our own planet.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 4:55 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

tHerE iS nOthInG t0 s33 hErE - wE thE m00nInIteS BuiLt eArth t0 hAvE a PlaNeT fOr oUr m**N - N0 t3ntaClEs nEsseSSarY
posted by pyramid termite at 4:56 PM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

It all ties into freemasonry too, because of ratios that are left unexplained.
posted by flippant at 5:01 PM on December 8, 2015

It's an eerie coincidence that this morning at the gym I was watching a show on the History Channel about the Moon on the TV attached to somebody else's Octave trainer, and that person annoyed me by changing the channel to a show about Bigfoot, but then I noticed that the same show was on the TV above an unoccupied treadmill, and Robin Canup came on, and I said excitedly to my husband, who was using the Octave trainer next to me, "Look! Look! It's Robin Canup!" and he was like, "What?" And I was like, "It's Robin Canup on the History Channel!" And he was like, "Who's Robin Canup?" And I was momentarily like, how can you not know who Robin Canup is? But then I realized she's not really famous-famous, just planetary-science famous, so I said, "Um, just somebody I know."

(But, srsly, folks, Robin Canup knows how to make the Moon.)
posted by BrashTech at 5:11 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

Those interested in this idea might find the film Lunopolis entertaining.
posted by Ashwagandha at 5:12 PM on December 8, 2015

the moon is a fish. in my pants. soon i shall don my smock, board my trusty gondola and extinguish its right hand forever.
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 5:52 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

I was going to sneer at his notion that any libraries would be stupid enough to buy the book, but according to Worldcat it's in 156 libraries worldwide. Sigh.

Well, don't assume that they paid for it. Lots of cranks and/or self-published authors give free copies of their books to libraries; those libraries may or may not decide to add them to their collections. Depends on their collection policies and tolerance/affection for weirdos and outsider works.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:17 PM on December 8, 2015

well okay for starters this madman assumes that the earth is a sphere that we're living on the outside of, which is just *flatly* ridiculous.

stop mocking my deeply held beliefs. FLAT EARTH 4EVA!
posted by ennui.bz at 8:55 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

oh come on just because all the sheeple think the earth is curved the wrong way doesn't mean that you should say the earth's not curved at all. that's just being contrarian for the sake of being contrarian.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 10:33 PM on December 8, 2015

Btw, the moon DOES have gravitational anomalies. It makes it really hard to find stable orbits.
posted by SAnderka at 10:52 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

Here's a 40 minute video of the author giving a talk about this theory at Watkins Books bookstore in London, and addressing some objections to it, such as the logic paradoxes involved in time travel. He explains it with a neat inversion of the Grandfather Paradox, where you save your grandfather rather than killing him, so now it's not time travelling that leads to logical contradictions.
posted by L.P. Hatecraft at 11:11 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

I actually love stuff like this. But then I'm not completely sane on my best days.
posted by Splunge at 2:09 PM on December 8 [4 favorites +] [!]

I do too, and I actually had a minor, hosted on Tumblr podcast that covered this sort of stuff. I was on medical leave and I needed something to do to keep me sane, and gosh I do love a good conspiracy theory/completely off-base idea of how the universe works. If this guy had a video, I might consider reviving the podcast for this.
posted by gc at 1:03 AM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

Jeez, who built this for you? So I suppose this is meant to be some kind of a moon, to do tides and things? Look at the size of it! Oh my God, look what they've done here! This is just amazing. I can't believe it. I guess this is cratering all over because they basically didn't bother with any atmosphere there... I mean it doesn't actually revolve in relation to the planet, like at all.... Aw jeez... Look at that! Whoever put this together had no understanding whatever of vulcanology or seismics... Look here... they just basically bunged in a rock and left it there... The gravitational anomalies are just terrible... Look at them! Oh Christ! Jeezus, I can't believe this... And look at the soldering in there!
posted by Segundus at 3:48 AM on December 9, 2015 [5 favorites]

This was delivered to a customer!
posted by Naberius at 5:22 AM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

Man. That was surprisingly well written crankery! I love that the author basically had a checklist for every logical fallacy and hit them all. They even made the banana argument!

Then when things started getting really serious they are like pull out the numerology! And now bash some science know-it-alls! Now lets do some fetishisation of ancient cultures.


It really hit everything so perfectly, I can't help but believe that it was actually created purposefully as a parody....
posted by mayonnaises at 7:22 AM on December 9, 2015

Btw, the moon DOES have gravitational anomalies. It makes it really hard to find stable orbits.

Wow. I guess now I have to thank this guy for indirectly teaching me some cool stuff about gravitational anomalies and how geologists can use them to find metallic ores and get clues about the kinds of rock are prevalent in a particular region of the Earth. Thanks, weirdo!
posted by straight at 9:38 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

SAnderka: "Btw, the moon DOES have gravitational anomalies. ."

Yes indeed it certainly does.
posted by Splunge at 10:33 AM on December 9, 2015

"That's no moon, it's a space station."

If we discover time travel that can transfer sufficient information back 4.6 billion years to build an industrial base that is capable of making small planets, why stop there? We can use that base to colonise the universe, 4.6 billion years ago.

(Potentially even earlier, but I'm only playing with the toys I've been given here. Accepting his notion, we know we can go back 4.6 billion years, we don't know if we can go back more or less than that. But by his own claims we know we can undertake massive changes back then without paradox, and once we build the moon, what then? Might as we use the infrastructure once it's there.)

No wonder nobody is talking to us. They know who we are and we have nothing they want.

Gravitational anomalies, Splunge. Wasn't TMA-1 a magnetic anomaly? Or am I forgetting my 2001?
posted by Autumn Leaf at 3:08 PM on December 9, 2015

Here's the thing that will blow your mind:

In the grim dark of the future, the Moon will be created and sent back in time as part of a way over the top Secret Quonsar gift exchange.
posted by nubs at 3:11 PM on December 9, 2015 [3 favorites]

If we discover time travel that can transfer sufficient information back 4.6 billion years to build an industrial base that is capable of making small planets, why stop there? We can use that base to colonise the universe, 4.6 billion years ago.

While the Moon is necessary for stabilizing the Earth and creating the conditions required to allow human life, that change won't happen immediately. It could take millions of years.

But you're right, it'd be a shame to not send something of ourselves out. I suppose we could construct some exceptionally simple organisms that could survive in such an environment... wait a minute!
posted by mountmccabe at 4:15 PM on December 10, 2015

Far simpler explanation is that we're living in a simulation.
posted by Pryde at 7:05 PM on December 12, 2015

I see. When will we build this simulation?
posted by yellowbinder at 7:19 AM on December 13, 2015 [1 favorite]

Given that time and space only exist as part of the simulation, the question has no meaning.
posted by Pryde at 8:38 AM on December 13, 2015

If this is a simulation (which may have been created by people living in another simulation, etc), how much computing power is required in the reality where the first simulation started to keep the Moons of all the nested simulated realities?
posted by nubs at 11:24 AM on December 13, 2015

Since computing power at that level is typically quantified as the number of nested simulated realities that can be run on the bare metal hardware, the answer is found simply by determining how many realities are above and in parallel to us (the way to do that is fascinating, but alas this comment box is too short to describe it), and how many nested levels it is possible to create below us.

I leave that second part as an exercise for other theoreticians.
posted by Pryde at 12:38 PM on December 13, 2015