And now, the paddling of the swollen ass. With paddles.

December 8, 2015 4:58 PM

US Patent 6,293,874: User-operated amusement apparatus for kicking the user's buttocks.

An amusement apparatus including a user-operated and controlled apparatus for self-infliction of repetitive blows to the user's buttocks by a plurality of elongated arms bearing flexible extensions that rotate under the user's control. The first post is provided with a crank positioned at a height thereon which requires the user to bend forward toward the first post while grasping the crank with both hands, to prominently present his buttocks toward the second post. As the user rotates the crank, the user's buttocks are paddled by flexible shoes located on each outboard end of the elongated arms to provide amusement to the user and viewers of the paddling.

This is not the only patented mechanism for kicking oneself in the buttocks for the amusement of all! Please consider:

US Patent Application 2006/0094518: Manually self-operated butt-kicking machine.

The Manually Self-Operated Butt-Kicking Machine is in the form of a chair with a hole in the bench. The user sits on the bench with his posterior centered over the hole. A seatbelt holds the user in place. There is a kicking mechanism located below the hole, which has a boot attached to it. When the user or operator pulls the hand-operated lever, the boot kicks the users' posterior through the hole in the bench. The Butt kicker is very user friendly with the number of kicking repetitions, type of repetitions, speed of operation, amplitude or height of the kicking cycle, magnitude of the kicking force, and impact and energy of the kick all controlled by the user or operator. This invention is a new, novel, and unique machine with multiple uses, which range from amusement to fundraising and from motivation to discipline. The objectives of this invention are also many, including, but not limited to, teambuilding, self-therapy, to inspire creativity, and to be used as a model for future devices and works of art.

And if spanking is more to your liking, we have this gem from 1909, US Patent 920,837: Combined lifting and spanking machine.

The object of the invention is to provide a trick device of this character used ostensibly as a weight lifting machine but which, when actuated operates to release a spring actuated electro-generator and a spring actuated paddle, the current of electricity being directed into the person actuating the machine while the paddle at the same time strikes him.

Preceded by this delightful self-spanking contraption from 1900, US 654,611: Initiating Device.

Beit known that We, EDMUND DE MOULIN and ULYSSES S. DE MoULIN, citizens of the United States, residing at Greenville, in the county of Bond and State of Illinois, have invented a new and useful Initiating Device, of which the following is a specification.

This invention relates to devices employed in initiating applicants for membership in secret organizations, &c. and it has for its object to provide a device of this class which is in the nature of a spanking-machine, the construction being such that the applicant will be struck with a paddle and at the same time will be given an electric shock, the mechanism being thrown into operation by the applicant himself. I In the drawings forming a portion of this specification, and in which like numerals of reference designate corresponding parts in the several views, Figure 1 is a perspective View showing the initiating device and the position of the applicant in the act of operating it. Fig. 2 is a bottom plan view showing the mechanism set and ready for operation. Fig. 3 is a view similar to Fig. 2 and showing the parts after the mechanism is sprung.

Also (and via): Patent My Ass! Five Remarkable Butt-Related Patents.

posted by Existential Dread (14 comments total)

Be sure to view the drawings, as they are rather whimsically amusing for something as dry as a patent.
posted by Existential Dread at 4:59 PM on December 8, 2015

It used to be one would not be granted a patent if one had not built a model of the invention one was attempting to patent.
posted by infinitewindow at 5:11 PM on December 8, 2015

Abuse the patent office as a publisher of erotic fiction—page 1 is a diagram of your new Rube Goldbergian bondage device, pages 2 through 54 are smut describing its typical use.
posted by Rangi at 5:15 PM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

I wonder if its inventor has or will end up on this list...
posted by Earthtopus at 5:17 PM on December 8, 2015

Interestingly, those last two (1909, 1900) are apparently the very same machine, with the first application in the names Edmund De Moulin and Ulysses S. De Moulin, but the second only under Ulysses S. De Moulin. Same attorneys, even. (C.A. Snow & Co.?) And apparently the same illustrator. Someone should make an animated GIF flipping between the relevant portions of the two illustrations.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:18 PM on December 8, 2015

"Promote the Progress of Science and useful Arts" my ass!
posted by zachlipton at 5:23 PM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

posted by Existential Dread

Eponysterical?
posted by ZenMasterThis at 5:28 PM on December 8, 2015

This is not the only patented mechanism for kicking oneself in the buttocks for the amusement of all! Please consider:

US Patent Application [...]

This is an excellent post, but it confuses patents with patent applications. There are applications for all kinds of stupid shit, but only the finest stupid shit receives a patent.

It is instructive to imagine ways to work around the claims of a patent. For example, suppose that the "ass-kicking" arms were not "detachably mounted" to the second post. Suppose that they were welded on. Well, I Am Not Your Patent Attorney, but I bet Your Patent Attorney would say that you're in the clear!
posted by spacewrench at 5:53 PM on December 8, 2015

It seems like every generation thinks like they invented the electric ass slapper.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 6:13 PM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

As there were so many secret societies, an automated ass kicking machine seems apt.
posted by clavdivs at 6:31 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

This invention is a new, novel, and unique machine with multiple uses, which range from amusement to fundraising

I bet the United Way folks would reach all its workplace fundraising goals a lot quicker if they got their hands on one such device.
posted by cynical pinnacle at 7:11 PM on December 8, 2015

kickass!
posted by jonmc at 7:45 PM on December 8, 2015

Prior art. Involving secret societies, too.
posted by egypturnash at 9:47 PM on December 8, 2015

I remember being on a family trip as a kid, and stopping at a roadside attraction somewhere that had one of these. It was a crank and a bunch of old boots on a wheel. There are photos somewhere of each of us having a turn. I want to say it was in Colorado somewhere, perhaps near Garden of the Gods?
posted by xedrik at 7:22 AM on December 9, 2015