I heart u chubby squirrels
December 9, 2015 7:22 AM   Subscribe

 
I went squirrel hunting last month and noticed this myself - the squirrels were well fed.
posted by bradth27 at 7:38 AM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


She looked at my dipping sauce, and she made a magic sign
She said, "What you need is Fat Squirrel Number Nine"
posted by Beardman at 7:40 AM on December 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


In my experience the squirrels that tend to hang around various university campuses have always terrified me. They're chubbier and while they might appear to be cute, they're also very entitled with regard to their access to food. They're territorial, they're often aggressive, and they will attack you if you give them the slightest provocation. Do not fuck with them.
posted by Fizz at 7:41 AM on December 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


but i loooove them
posted by Kitteh at 7:41 AM on December 9, 2015 [16 favorites]


My father-in-law keeps a bucket of peanuts around to feed to the squirrels. Whenever we visit, the minute babyozzy is through the door she's walking toward the kitchen, repeating some variation on, "peanut, squirrel, papa." These squirrels are fat -- I saw one on the patio last week that was easily as large as a good-sized housecat -- and brazen.

I have no doubt that one day one will walk right through the door and make itself at home.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:47 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Arrr. tiz Nature's way o' telling us that a hard knock's on th' way, yur tiz.

As we say on Dartmoor:

When a tree rat's XXL
The winter storms will blow full well
A squirrel that is fair and fat'll
Predict frostbite of wedding tackle.
posted by Devonian at 7:47 AM on December 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


Fat-bottomed squirrels, you make the rocking world go round.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:55 AM on December 9, 2015 [21 favorites]


Fat squirrels
Check it and see
Chubby squirrels sitting up a tree.
posted by The Whelk at 7:57 AM on December 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


I honestly cannot contain squees of delight when I see them out and about. Ask my husband.
posted by Kitteh at 8:00 AM on December 9, 2015


Buzzfeed link, squirrel #22.

*stares*

*'splodes*
posted by JohnFromGR at 8:07 AM on December 9, 2015


My first reaction to one of the pictures was, "wow, get swole, squirrel" and then I had a moment of uncomfortable mental silence during which I reevaluated the amount of time I spend in Instagram and Tumblr fitness communities.
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:08 AM on December 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


He's not fat, he's just big boned. (Picture caption)
posted by Oyéah at 8:08 AM on December 9, 2015


I once had a university squirrel piss on my backpack because I wouldn't give him some of the muffin I was eating. Dam elite ivory tower squirrels.

(He might have also been able to tell that I have a deep, deep love for squirrel and dumplings. Chubby squirrels make me salivate.)
posted by Seamus at 8:10 AM on December 9, 2015


"“They’re friggin’ big, man,” said Peter Pekelny, owner of Pro-Pest Corp. “They just stand there watching me … when I’m getting them out of buildings."

I love the Toronto Star so much
posted by saturday_morning at 8:11 AM on December 9, 2015


Trufax: if you stop, point, and say, "Oh my goodness, you're so plump!", the squirrel will give you a withering stare.
posted by Kitteh at 8:15 AM on December 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


I have no doubt that one day one will walk right through the door and make itself at home.

My father persuaded several squirrels to do exactly this, with the same peanut method. I once came to visit and was greeted by a squirrel sitting happily in his office chair.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:15 AM on December 9, 2015 [4 favorites]




Weirdly enough, here in the American south, we've got squirrels too, and you might think, as I did before I moved down here, that they would therefore be round like they'd each swallowed a popcorn ball whole. But nope, they all tend towards being undersized and scrawny and incredibly shy of humans and anything else.

Best guess I can come up with is that since they don't have to deal with snow often, and usually never, they just aren't conditioned to be needy and greedy about every food opportunity, there isn't any time of the year when they need to go more than a day without forageable food. And maybe because there are so many more varieties of predators available to take care of anything that gets sluggish from too many squirrel-type desserts.
posted by ardgedee at 8:20 AM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are
posted by Beardman at 8:32 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Um... Buzz feed 25 isn't fat... those are his nuts. He has a future in squirrel porno...

I never thought that I would be pondering the endowed nature of some squirrels, but... there it is...
posted by Nanukthedog at 8:43 AM on December 9, 2015


The squirrelfrands in my yard got super fat butts.

They are too fat to sit on the fence.

It is very entertaining.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:43 AM on December 9, 2015 [7 favorites]



My first reaction to one of the pictures was, "wow, get swole, squirrel" and then I had a moment of uncomfortable mental silence during which I reevaluated the amount of time I spend in Instagram and Tumblr fitness communities.


SQUIRREL GAINZ



My first thought on reading this was to imagine Dom Mazetti as a squirrel. Bless you.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:46 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Squirrels: charismatic rats who mostly have enough sense to stay outdoors. Mostly.
posted by GuyZero at 9:04 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


They have been so fat this year! I was in Florida earlier and was shocked at the lean and muscular squirrels they had. In November!

I'm seeing more black squirrels, too.
posted by jeather at 9:10 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I have a dog, a tree-climbing mountain feist, that will jump 6 feet up a tree in hunting a squirrel. So I've definitely noticed the chubbier squirrels, because my dog is going nuts!
posted by jonp72 at 9:11 AM on December 9, 2015


Get swole isn't inappropriate; our current alpha male is buff as hell, and I can't help but admire him when he's doing single handed pull ups on the peanut feeder. And then I have to have a serious think about what I'm doing and whether it's healthy. But, you know, the damn thing virtually has a six pack visible beneath that chub when he flexes.
posted by AFII at 9:12 AM on December 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


Squirrel 14 is in shape - one rarely sees an mammal that so perfectly attains spherehood.
posted by idiopath at 9:22 AM on December 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Beardman: "She looked at my dipping sauce, and she made a magic sign
She said, "What you need is Fat Squirrel Number Nine"
"

Mmm... Fat Squirrel.
posted by symbioid at 9:25 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I work on a university campus whose up-keepers have expressed alarm about the over-population of squirrels. (Although they're all well-fed enough, so I don't think they're actually over-populated so much as they're just freaking everywhere and you practically have to avoid stepping on them when you're out and about.)

Anyway, a couple years ago one of the animal science departments did a study to see if they could control the population be sterilizing some of the squirrels. They set up (humane) traps around campus, sterilized the trapped squirrels, and then re-released them. With a big, black spray-painted X on their backs so that the infertile squirrels could be easily identified.

I always felt so bad for those marked squirrels, because it felt to me like all of the other squirrels were pointing and laughing at them. (Also, the answer was No, that's not an effective way to reduce the number of squirrels on campus.)

The chubby squirrels, though -- they don't get laughed at. They're all chubby this time of year. There is no body-shaming among squirrels, and for that we should all be grateful.
posted by mudpuppie at 9:32 AM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Is this the opposite of thin hamster? Can one make thin squirrel (assuming you'd want to, you know, touch them and their epic collection of fleas) using the thin hamster technique?
posted by halcyonday at 9:38 AM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


The squoils in my hood benefit from a bakery with a religious belief that all unsold stock must be used to feed animals. The squirrels are ... big. Colossal, even. But they are nothing compared to the raccoons, who are near spherical, can barely make it up a kerb, and wheeze as they waddle by.
posted by scruss at 11:35 AM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Well, this would explain why Pfizer just launched their new Lipitor® for Squirrels.


Ask your physician if Lipitor® for Squirrels is right for you (assuming you're a squirrel).
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:57 AM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


I saw a blue jay steal a nut from a squirrel in my backyard this morning. That squirrel has been taunting my dog for years, so I have no sympathy.
posted by kamikazegopher at 4:03 PM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh man, I know they will totally bite your face off but I LOVE squirrels. They make me so happy. Especially the fluffy, tubby ones.

At my college I used to love watching them hang on dorm screen windows and pop them off, then enter the student rooms and ransack them for food. The campus crime blotter was hilarious, because after the usual drunk and disorderly reports, there were always a couple of "Student called Public Safety because room looked broken into. Student realized only food was taken. Conclusion: squirrels." entries.
posted by TwoStride at 4:43 PM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


I also appreciate that the PIZZA SQUIRRELS are representing.

You know the Pizza Squirrels.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:11 PM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I like putting pancakes and pieces of pita bread out on the ground under my bird feeder. Whole. Then I watch from my office as the big fat squirrels drag their big floppy snacks across the yard, and try to take them up the nearby tree. They drop them over and over until eventually the snacks break down enough for a squirrel to manage. Lots of people walk their dogs past my window, and the dogs periodically interrupt the squirrel activity. Sometimes the dogs take the pancakes, but mostly the dog owners won't let them keep them. They are forced to drop them, and the squirrels drag the food back to the tree, and struggle some more.

I love my neighborhood squirrels, they are so stubborn!
posted by elizilla at 6:35 PM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Fizz: they're also very entitled with regard to their access to food. They're territorial, they're often aggressive, and they will attack you if you give them the slightest provocation

Geez no kidding, this is not from The Onion:
a gray fox squirrel has jumped from trees and scampered into classrooms and garages to attack a total of eight people in northwest Novato in past weeks . . . The biting and scratching attacks began three weeks ago when a squirrel reportedly leapt from a tree and onto a man’s head as he did yard work on Nov. 13. He was treated at Novato Community Hospital for his injuries. In another attack five days later, a squirrel entered a classroom at Pleasant Valley Elementary School on Sutro Avenue and attacked a student. As a teacher attempted to flee from the room, she too was attacked, according to the humane society officials.
Anyway, sorry for the interruption, back to your regularly scheduled squirrel adoration. The little bastards ARE cute.
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 11:24 PM on December 9, 2015


I have a story of a squirrel who wanted to be chubby.

A guy I worked with when I lived in Indiana liked to put out whole ears of corn for the local birds to enjoy. Naturally, the local squirrels claimed the corn as their own. Eventually, Tom got sick and tired of this and made a plan. He got an inordinately long screw and powered it through the long axis of an ear of corn and into a tree. The birds could sit on the corn and eat, and the squirrels couldn't run off with the corn.

The next morning, Tom looked out his kitchen window and saw a squirrel on this ear of corn. The squirrel's front legs were wrapped around the corn and its back legs were pushing against the tree with all it had. Technology won this round.
posted by bryon at 1:12 AM on December 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


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