If not a thing as old as time, joke dollar is a thing as old as 2006.

December 18, 2015 9:17 AM

Joke dollar is not for prepared material. It is for the bon mot, the right remark at the right time, which is why so few joke-dollar anecdotes are funny in print. You had to be there. … It is the gestural equivalent of understatement: I do not have time to explain how much I loved you in the moment after you said that thing about mermaid sex, so here’s a dollar.

posted by cardioid (37 comments total)

Who carries cash around anymore??
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:28 AM on December 18, 2015

Who carries cash around anymore??

Bitcoins are pretty funny. Can we use them?
posted by Fizz at 9:28 AM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

Who carries cash around anymore??

People who have told at least one really good joke.
posted by Etrigan at 9:29 AM on December 18, 2015 [25 favorites]

Ahh, so that's why I never have any cash in my pockets.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:32 AM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

"The best jokes are in the moment, you-had-to-be-there, inextricable from their context, and that's what makes them so special! Celebrate them by adopting this in-joke my friends and I developed."
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:34 AM on December 18, 2015 [15 favorites]

I like this. I shall have to start doing this once I get a friend.
posted by SPUTNIK at 9:36 AM on December 18, 2015 [13 favorites]

When I was in college, and our group of friends had grown so significantly that we would routinely have lunch and dinner in groups of 20 to 30 in the dining hall, we had something not dissimilar. If a joke was both inappropriate and uproarious for at least a large section of the table, it won the Mustard Award, which simply meant that the bottle of mustard would be placed forcefully in front of the joke teller. If they were one-upped, the Mustard Award would be given to the next joke-teller, and so on. Particularly strong victories would mean someone having to take the award home. We still occasionally refer to it, and on the occasions where we meet up in a large group will still look for a condiment to place (forcefully) by the teller of the next joke.
posted by graymouser at 9:41 AM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

SPUTNIK: "I like this. I shall have to start doing this once I get a friend."

::hands over dollar::
posted by Splunge at 9:42 AM on December 18, 2015 [5 favorites]

I am a wee bit ashamed to admit that I will probably spend the rest of the day searching the internet for a remarkable offhand joke about a sexual encounter with a mermaid.

Maybe more than a wee.
posted by pjsky at 9:43 AM on December 18, 2015

I find this lugubrious-ist.
posted by sammyo at 9:46 AM on December 18, 2015

American tipping culture is weird.
posted by gauche at 9:47 AM on December 18, 2015 [19 favorites]

People who have told at least one really good joke.

Shutup and....
posted by Fizz at 9:55 AM on December 18, 2015

Can we turn this around, so that when someone makes a really awful joke they owe everyone who hears it a dollar? Because there's a certain MeFi mod I follow on Twitter who owes us all a shit ton of money by now.
posted by bondcliff at 10:02 AM on December 18, 2015 [8 favorites]

Greg_Ace: "Who carries cash around anymore??"

Seems like a stretch to call one person in a group of people holding a single dollar carrying cash.
posted by Mitheral at 10:03 AM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

Can we turn this around, so that when someone makes a really awful joke they owe everyone who hears it a dollar?

No way - I'd be up to my ears in debt in no time!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:11 AM on December 18, 2015

......A seal walks into a club.
posted by HuronBob at 10:13 AM on December 18, 2015 [2 favorites]

So, anyone got a font in which the '+' sign is replaced by a dollar emoji?
posted by straight at 10:32 AM on December 18, 2015 [3 favorites]

Etrigan, you give me the address, I'll send you the dollar.
posted by benito.strauss at 10:57 AM on December 18, 2015

I used to give a quarter to anyone who made me laugh out loud.

The effects of inflation.
posted by janey47 at 11:13 AM on December 18, 2015

Honestly I would be sort of mortified if somebody tried to hand me money for cracking them up.
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:15 AM on December 18, 2015

Honestly I would be sort of mortified if somebody tried to hand me money for cracking them up.

Me too! Money is such a loaded thing.

A good friend and I have a system where we name the other person the winner ("You win!") when they say something superlatively funny or clever. There's a daily winner, and you can name the same person the winner several days in a row. It's pretty much the highest compliment.
posted by mochapickle at 11:23 AM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

On at least one occasion I've told a joke and had someone demand a dollar from me, and I'm not sure how that fits into this rubric exactly but it's probably not a great sign.
posted by cortex at 11:25 AM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

I mean I like you dude but a lot of your jokes are real bad.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 11:53 AM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

Many years ago, I was minorly and unintentionally rude to a guy I knew, and was feeling guilty about it, so the next time I saw him, I apologized and gave him $2. I didn't feel guilty anymore, and he got cash for some peanut butter crackers from the vending machine.

So I do it pretty regularly now. If I call you a dog's name or don't notice a new haircut or something, I just hand over some hush money to make my transgression go away.

I always try to keep a five and two ones on me, so I can be $7 worth of asshole or $5 asshole and a hot dog.

Honestly I would be sort of mortified if somebody tried to hand me money for cracking them up.

$5 for unintentional mortification.
posted by ernielundquist at 11:54 AM on December 18, 2015 [9 favorites]

Metafilter: $7 worth of asshole
posted by HuronBob at 11:58 AM on December 18, 2015 [6 favorites]

One of my friends, a semi-professional comedian, had a standing order for good jokes -- $5. I think I made $15. One of my other friends made a crack about a super-hero and ended up working it into a mini-sketch. This was purchased for $5 and was used on stage a few times. Roughly two years later, we saw it performed on the television show "The State" -- it was the sketch about Aquaman. My friend was genuinely honored, there was none of that bitter plagiarism feeling. "I got five dollars, I saw it on TV ... "
posted by user92371 at 12:00 PM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Metafilter: $5 asshole and a hot dog" is definitely the better of those two choices.

same as in town am I right
posted by a halcyon day at 12:21 PM on December 18, 2015 [5 favorites]

A friend once threw a paper over my head and it still hit the trashcan and he said, "I'm the coolest guy in the universe," so we made up a card that said, "Coolest guy in the universe." Whenever someone in our group did something cool we passed the card along. Then one day I was in a Subway and I asked, "If I am the coolest guy in the universe do I get a free sub?" The guy says, "If you have documentation," so I pulled out the card and got me a free sub. He kept the card though.

I'd totally pay $5 for good jokes, but they have to be original and they have to be funny, and you can't use the joke anymore.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:28 PM on December 18, 2015 [6 favorites]

Can't find a particularly funny joke about a mermaid (there's this one, but the version that I originally heard was about a genie), but I did find this one:

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, odd looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "Wow! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use lords name in vain." The man said, "But that's the species of the fish a "Gauddam" Fish." The sister said, "Oh, in that case, it's okay." The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the name of it's species - a Gauddam Fish." So, the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me that Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish." The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, "I'm starting to like this f**king place!"

posted by Halloween Jack at 12:42 PM on December 18, 2015 [16 favorites]

I usually tell it as "You fuckers are ALL RIGHT!" and have him take off his hat and put his feet up on the table first. Ace of a joke.
posted by NedKoppel at 1:05 PM on December 18, 2015 [7 favorites]

We do this, and obey some of the same rules, but with "points." The rule I follow with points is that no matter how funny or clever the statement (and it needn't be laugh-out-loud funny if just inventive), you can only give out one at a time, specifically to avoid the inflation mentioned in the article.

It is imperative that some discipline be maintained, for the moment you award two points for something, there is no reason not to give three, or four, of 11 billion, and that way lies barbarism.
posted by JHarris at 2:30 PM on December 18, 2015

that way lies barbarism

Shave and a haircut: two bits. SAIT
posted by This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things at 2:54 PM on December 18, 2015

Just a moment ago the going rate was $5 a bit. For two bits you should get $10.
posted by ardgedee at 3:13 PM on December 18, 2015

This is MetaFilter. A 'bit' is one-eighth of a Spanish Real, or 12½ ¢ in the new decimal currency.
posted by benito.strauss at 4:16 PM on December 18, 2015 [2 favorites]

What not just use favorites to reward great jokes?
posted by chavenet at 4:29 PM on December 18, 2015

"I hate to break it to you mister, but I'm not really a welder..."

I'm pretty funny (No it's true... Mother said it isn't bragging if it's true) so are my coworkers, lot's of jokes flying around. To save on time we've settled on only laughing when we truly can't help it, then we say a punchline without the setup, we burn a perfectly good joke as sign of respect.
posted by Divine_Wino at 6:20 PM on December 18, 2015 [1 favorite]

One of my friends, a semi-professional comedian, had a standing order for good jokes -- $5. I think I made $15.

Don't call it heckling, but occasionally someone in a comedy audience will yell out a funny "tag" (or extra punchline) after a joke, in the spirit of fun.

I've seen old school comedians hand them a dollar, by way of giving honor, clearing copyright to use it in the future, and establishing whose still the boss. Done it a couple of times myself by now.

I'm guessing that might be where this tradition started.
posted by msalt at 3:33 PM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]