Apparently, Presidential Slashfic Is A Thing

December 28, 2015 12:26 PM

With the discovery of a bit of Ted Cruz holiday erotica (NSFW, NSFB, NSFA) put out as a form of revenge fiction, Slate writer Christina Cauterucci delves into the history of Presidential erotica - both that written by others and written by the politicians themselves.
posted by NoxAeternum (40 comments total)

not safe for bees? not safe for aleuts?
posted by poffin boffin at 12:28 PM on December 28, 2015

NSFB: Not Safe For Brain.

NSFA: Not Safe For Anyone.

In short, abandon all hope ye who click.
posted by NoxAeternum at 12:30 PM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

So like, uh, who has the courage to click in there for the rest of us?
posted by Annika Cicada at 12:33 PM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

...a bit of Ted Cruz holiday erotica...

NOPE,NOPE,NOPE,NOPE,NOPE!!
posted by Thorzdad at 12:35 PM on December 28, 2015

So like, uh, who has the courage to click in there for the rest of us?

The author of the article sums it up at the end:

There is only one real takeaway worth digesting from A Cruzmas Carol, and it is this: not even the author of an erotic fan fiction story about Ted Cruz can bear to properly visualize Ted Cruz having sex.
posted by NoxAeternum at 12:36 PM on December 28, 2015 [10 favorites]

This is the real war on Christmas.
posted by vorpal bunny at 12:36 PM on December 28, 2015 [5 favorites]

this plus the previous post is making me cackle horribly

TENTACLE CRUZ CONTROL
posted by poffin boffin at 12:37 PM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

“Let me lay it on the line / he had two on the vine / I mean two sets of testicles / So divine”
posted by Going To Maine at 12:38 PM on December 28, 2015 [7 favorites]

So I have a friend who, back in the day on livejournal, was involved in a (heavily satirical) political RPF roleplaying game. She played Tom DeLay. After knowing about that, Ted Cruz doesn't exactly seem minor league, but I was plenty prepared for the horrors that were possible, let us say.
posted by immlass at 12:40 PM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

As such, it fits squarely into the mode of what ex-Wonkette writer Josh Fruhlinger called the “retributive” genre of fan fiction, which takes pleasure in subjecting buttoned-up, moralizing politicians to perverse sexual shame in effigy.

Why make the effort even? They eventually subject themselves!
posted by chavenet at 12:42 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

maybe 10-12 years ago a friend of mine wrote GWB/Putin as a side pairing in a spuffy fic and it was the most hilarrible thing on earth.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:43 PM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

Apple F. Search for "Hamilton." Yep. Closes laptop and walks away.
posted by ColdChef at 12:45 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

You ever see somebody ruin their own life? // His poor wife
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:48 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: I’m going to vomit up this oyster, then I’m going to bone Roberta, then I am going to K Street.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:51 PM on December 28, 2015 [5 favorites]

also there are some, uh. very interesting selections in this year's yuletide under hamilton. things i would like to unsee.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:51 PM on December 28, 2015

I find the lack of #Peblo disturbing.

(short explanation: last Dec 20 there were general elections in Spain. The debates between the candidates for the socialdemocrat party PSOE, Pedro Sánchez, left wing Podemos, Pablo Iglesias, and the LibDem-like Ciudadanos, Albert Rivera, somehow caused a furious trend of slash-shipping politicians)

(The elections gave nobody a majority and right now we still don't have a presidential candidate yet.)
posted by sukeban at 12:55 PM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Lacey Noonan is also the author of A Gronking to Remember (previously) which has drawn lawsuits against the author, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Apple for the use of an Ohio couple's engagement photo on the cover.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 1:10 PM on December 28, 2015

Ted's gleaming, moist thighs straining behind the fishnets gave the impression of cookie dough being hosted by a fishing net. His moles, chocolate chips left by a stingy God in the creamy vastness.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 1:12 PM on December 28, 2015 [12 favorites]

Political erotica used to be higher concept: Why I Want to Fuck Ronald Reagan, by JG Ballard, 1967.

At the 1980 Republican Convention in San Francisco a copy of the Reagan text, minus its title and the running sideheads, and furnished with the seal of the Republican Party, was distributed by some puckish pro-situationists to the RNC delegates. It was accepted for what it resembled: a psychological position paper on the candidate’s subliminal appeal, commissioned by some maverick think-tank.

Still so good.

The genitalia of the Presidential contender exercised a continuing fascination. A series of imaginary genitalia were constructed using (a) the mouth parts of Jacqueline Kennedy, (b) a Cadillac rear-exhaust vent, (c) the assembly kit prepuce of President Johnson… In 89% of cases, the constructed genitalia generated a high incidence of self-induced orgasm.

posted by Nelson at 1:14 PM on December 28, 2015 [8 favorites]

robocop, is that from the article, or your lurid imagination? Not that I'd judge you, though I may shake my fist at you when I next bake chocolate chip cookies.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:14 PM on December 28, 2015

Going To Maine: “Let me lay it on the line / he had two on the vine / I mean two sets of testicles / So divine

Those are the lines you went with? I would have gone with:
He had a pocket full of horses,
Fucked the shit out of bears,
Threw a knife into heaven,
And could kill with his stare.
He made love like an eagle falling out of the sky,
Killed his sensai in a duel and he never said why… ((tears))

Washington, Washington,
12 stories high, made of radiation.

(Did I mention his 4 nuts? Well, he also had 4 dicks.
If you took off his boot you could see the dicks growing off his feet.
I heard that… motherfucker had like… 30 goddamn dicks.)

(Maybe all that radiation was the cause of his excessive number of dicks.)
posted by filthy light thief at 1:20 PM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

robocop, is that from the article, or your lurid imagination? Not that I'd judge you, though I may shake my fist at you when I next bake chocolate chip cookies.

when you make the frosting
remember me
posted by robocop is bleeding at 1:33 PM on December 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

TLDR

Republican joke, ca. 1915:

"How did [the second] Mrs. Wilson react when Woodrow proposed?"

"She fell out of bed."
posted by BWA at 1:35 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

ICK
posted by djeo at 1:46 PM on December 28, 2015

*Suddenly starts interpreting campaign tickets as slash fanfic tags*

Whoa a LOT of people were shipping Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan 4 years ago.
posted by duffell at 1:56 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Those are the lines you went with?

Two dicks gets you to click on the link, thirty dicks is the payoff.
posted by Going To Maine at 2:01 PM on December 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

that's as many as three tens

and that's terrible
posted by poffin boffin at 2:22 PM on December 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

Needs more Amorous Adventures of Aaron Burr.
posted by nonasuch at 2:24 PM on December 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

When I was in grade 8, I wrote a bunch of slash/spy/sexy coup d'etat fanfic featuring my best friend Susan and the Prime Minister of Canada. I wish I still had copies of it; I don't remember if it was that waste of hair Brian Mulroney or a generic future PM. (I would have sworn it was Chretien but a quick google tells me Chretien wasn't PM in 1987.)
posted by joannemerriam at 2:30 PM on December 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Fruhlinger launched the now-defunct Hail to the Slash blog

Previously
posted by solotoro at 2:53 PM on December 28, 2015

I just gotta know.... does anyone come out and admit to wanting to fuck the poor?
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:59 PM on December 28, 2015

"I would do anything to earn your vote," says Ted Cruz, turning down the lights and lifting his shirt to reveal literally dozens of eager mouths.
posted by logicpunk at 3:24 PM on December 28, 2015 [10 favorites]

I was on the Nope Train to Nopestan, and had just considered taking a peek, when coming upon logicpunk's comment.

Oh, hells no.

*hangs on for dear life*
posted by blurker at 4:12 PM on December 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

During the 2000 presidential election shit-show, before the Supreme Court elected W., a friend of mine dredged (quite easily, actually) up a Gore/GWB explicit slashfic. I refused to read it (real person slash twists my stomach for some reason), but I do remember one friend telling me that the ending was sad, with W. betraying Gore emotionally.

I am not finding this, but if you are interested, I am sure it is still out there.

Real person slash about politicians has existed for quite some time. Beyond Tijuana Bibles (I'm sure there must have been some about politicians), this stuff goes way back.
posted by Hactar at 5:03 PM on December 28, 2015

This brain scarring material will explode exponentially if he somehow wins the nomination!
posted by Muncle at 6:03 PM on December 28, 2015

this stuff goes way back.

the actual bible, basically.
posted by poffin boffin at 6:20 PM on December 28, 2015

During the 2000 presidential election shit-show, before the Supreme Court elected W., a friend of mine dredged (quite easily, actually) up a Gore/GWB explicit slashfic.

There was a fic that gained some notoriety back before the 2000 election that's been lost to the sands of time and the Internet; I remember it being hysterically funny and really sharp satire. It featured Gore selecting his VP via a rose ceremony, the Bush team plotting domination via a purple gas that turned people gay (and Laura Bush being tempted back to her liberal roots by said gas), and ... all kinds of other shenanigans. I've been half-dying to reread it and see if it was as biting as my memory recalls, but I haven't turned up anything on Google and have no idea where else to look. If the Hive Mind knows, please share. I don't recall how it ended; who knows, maybe it's the same fic, Hactar.

Also, there was a whole ton of porn written about Rahm Emanuel during the 2008 election. People loved them some Rahm.
posted by none of these will bring disaster at 6:35 PM on December 28, 2015

Oh hey I've been tempted to write George W. Bush/Condoleezza Rice fic for some time. Glad to know there's an audience out there for it.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:42 AM on December 29, 2015

Cruz 'Netflix and Chill contest' raises eyebrows
posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:40 AM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Sadly, or fortunately depending on your point of view, the Netflix and Chill thing has already been debunked.
posted by immlass at 12:08 PM on December 29, 2015 [2 favorites]