"I had found a steel box in my heart."

January 12, 2016 5:13 PM

"Over the years, when I told people about the abuse I endured at Gafni's hands, many asked, 'Why didn't you tell anyone?' That's a good question. But a better question is what happened when I did tell. It was almost as if I had told no one." So writes Sara Kabakov in a new article, "I Was 13 When Marc Gafni's Abuse Began." [tw for sex abuse]

These days, Marc Gafni runs a New Age center in California.

posted by Charity Garfein (16 comments total)

It seems like the statute of limitation on these crimes really makes things great for child abusers.
posted by xarnop at 5:40 PM on January 12, 2016 [9 favorites]

Also this article related about how to spot a spiritual sexual abuser is really really excellent if it hasn't been posted elsewhere here.
posted by xarnop at 5:44 PM on January 12, 2016 [11 favorites]

Thanks for posting this.

I somehow found the courage to say to him, “You know, Mordechai came into my room at night when he stayed at my house for Shabbat.” The counselor looked completely embarrassed and uncomfortable. He said — nothing. But his expression communicated a clear message: Don’t speak about this.

This. When you (the victim) finally make it through the mental checklist of everything that could go wrong when you tell someone, and you (the victim) decide to do it anyway, you often then find yourself in the position of actually having to soothe the listener, to relieve their discomfort. So much not-telling anyone is about not-telling them because you think it would hurt them to hear or to know, rather than prioritizing how it might help you to tell. And when you finally decide to damn the not-telling for their own good and do the actual telling for your own good, the reaction can be heartbreaking.

Because then there's this:

Over the years, when I told people about the abuse I endured at Gafni’s hands, many asked, “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” That’s a good question. But a better question is what happened when I did tell. It was almost as if I had told no one.

See, also heartbreaking is not-telling for years and years because of the possible negative outcomes of telling, then telling, then realizing that the telling changes absolutely nothing. It's (often) not cathartic. It's (often) not healing. There's (usually) no justice. You've picked off the scab. There is the idea that maybe now it's no longer your burden to bear alone, but I think that's myth, because yes, it will always be your burden. It will always be yours.




Okay then! That was a totally cheerful and uplifting comment! Who wants snacks?

That right there is the impulse or instinct to soothe others' discomfort. Apparently it doesn't go away.
posted by mudpuppie at 6:19 PM on January 12, 2016 [60 favorites]

Reporting child abuse is mandatory in my state, and the department of social services will take down all of that information. Sandusky/Penn State raised a lot of awareness for our region. It may vary by state, but they want to know, especially if there is enough information to follow up and see if the abuser has contact with children now. They want to connect with either where it happened (state) or where the person is now.

People tend not to believe children when they say something so serious, and re-offending happens, which informs our state (not CA) not having a statute of limitations. If you want to report, and don't know who to talk to, connect with a local child abuse non-profit, who can help with local procedures and support options.

Silence, shadows and shame are more hazardous than the random odd law. Thanks for speaking up mudpuppie
posted by childofTethys at 7:18 PM on January 12, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'm in California. A cousin of mine was sexually abused when he was young. I have the name of the abuser but have no idea where the abuser lives now. ChildofTethys, can I still report it? Or ask my aunt to report it?
posted by Bella Donna at 7:40 PM on January 12, 2016

From here:

Civ. Proc. Code 340.1 Effective January 1, 2003. The new law provides that actions for the recovery of damages suffered as a result of childhood sexual abuse may be commenced on or after the victim’s 26th birthday if the person or entity against whom the action is commenced knew, had reason to know, or was otherwise on notice, of any unlawful sexual conduct by an employee, volunteer, representative, or agent, and failed to take reasonable steps, and implement reasonable safeguards, to avoid future acts of unlawful sexual conduct. Additionally, under certain circumstances, a cause of action solely for those claims listed above may be revived for a period of one (1) year. All California victims, regardless of age, have one (1) year from January 1, 2003, within which to bring a civil suit.
posted by lumensimus at 8:04 PM on January 12, 2016

This and mudpuppie's comment are very personal to me. I recently began getting therapy for sexual abuse when I was a child and speaking to people close to me about it, after decades of silence. I was prompted to do this in large part because of reading about mental health on Metafilter. So far, it has been easily the scariest thing I have ever done. In my head, I had categorized the abuse as an ordinary and embarrassing secret, and only now am I beginning to accept it as a brutal, traumatic, repeated crime. Unlike the author, I wasn't abused by a deeply respected adult; I can't imagine how much worse this could have been if I was.

Here are the reasons I did not tell:

I did not tell because my abuser threatened me.

I did not tell because he did not need to threaten me; I was already terrified of him.

I did not tell because I had a developmental disability and could not tell what was normal.

I did not tell because I was used to being different and figured I had done something to bring it on myself, as usual.

I did not tell because somebody witnessed him do it and I thought they would have stopped him if they could.

I did not tell because I thought it was disgusting and I was disgusting.

I did not tell because my parents told me I "could tell them anything," but they had mental illness and personal struggles of their own, and even as a child I knew that they couldn't handle it and it would result in more chaos in my family home.

I did not tell my sibling because I wanted to protect them from ever experiencing anything like this, even vicariously.

I did not tell as a teenager because boys continued to harass me and violate my boundaries and it just seemed like more of the same.

I did not tell because it took an adult understanding of what happened for me to realize how much damage had been done.

I did not tell as an adult because lacking identifying information or evidence at this point, I thought I had no reason to.

I did not tell my family as an adult because I have spent a lifetime reassuring my parents that they were not bad parents, and I do not need to do that any more.

I did not tell as an adult because so many years of hearing victims of sexual violence being doubted made me doubt my own mind, even though I had no reason to do so.

I did not tell because I just wanted it to be over already and forget, forget, forget. Twenty, twenty-five, thirty years now and it is still not over in my head.

I told because it happened and I am angry and it was wrong.

Sara Kabakov is a brave woman.
posted by fair isle sock at 8:15 PM on January 12, 2016 [82 favorites]

Bella Donna, talk to your cousin first, if you are going to name them and if they are an adult, as the later post suggests, this can provoke a big response with a survivor, and you want to make sure that they are on board. It may be that the report helps another case that you/he may never be aware of...it may have taken a lot of reports to get Bill Cosby toward accountability, it takes substantially less when there are no other motivating factors in the mix.

When it comes to not knowing where the abuser is now, they can work with law enforcement to find people. There is a short list of general information sought - and most of it is "if available". Give RAINN a call - they help friends and family as well as survivors 800-656-4673

For male survivors 1in6.org is for survivors of childhood sexual abuse and also has a section for family and friends.

Best wishes
posted by childofTethys at 10:15 PM on January 12, 2016 [4 favorites]

Well, on a good side, as I work at a mental health non-profit, I don't even get a choice on reporting any abuse I know about. Otherwise, I lose my job, can get listed negatively on the health care list, and potentially felony charges. So, that means I don't have to wrestle with thorny issues like whether or not to tell.
posted by Samizdata at 2:29 AM on January 13, 2016

Then in 2004, Gary Rosenblatt. editor and publisher of The Jewish Week of New York, interviewed me for an article in his newspaper. The subhead above the section where I was quoted anonymously was, “In Love or Abusive?” To him, it was a question to ponder. The cost of telling my story was to have it subtly discredited.

This is so, so terrible. The cost of finally being listened to.
posted by suddenly, and without warning, at 5:06 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]

Fair Isle sock - thank you for that. These really hit home with me:

I did not tell because my parents told me I "could tell them anything," but they had mental illness and personal struggles of their own, and even as a child I knew that they couldn't handle it and it would result in more chaos in my family home.

I did not tell because it took an adult understanding of what happened for me to realize how much damage had been done.

I did not tell my family as an adult because I have spent a lifetime reassuring my parents that they were not bad parents, and I do not need to do that any more.

Thank you again.
posted by Sophie1 at 6:33 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

This was a good article, but many of the comments here have been much more excellent.
posted by OmieWise at 7:25 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]

Covered at Failed Messiah, including an article posted yesterday.
posted by Melismata at 7:36 AM on January 13, 2016

Big hugs to Fair Isle Sock.

I can't tell you how much I wish everything in the article sounds so damn familiar. But this is one case where we need to keep saying the same things over and over until they sink into the heads of the people who can do something about it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:15 AM on January 13, 2016

MetaFilter: This was a good article, but many of the comments here have been much more excellent.
posted by chavenet at 8:46 AM on January 13, 2016 [7 favorites]

From the NYT article:

Mr. Gafni disputed those comments. “I did not,” he said, “represent myself as someone who didn’t sleep with students.”

FFS.
posted by fiercecupcake at 10:10 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]