Attention, New York Wankers

January 15, 2016 2:22 PM

"A sex toy company created a tiny male masturbation fort in New York City. No, we don't condone it. On Tuesday, Hot Octopuss erected what it called a "GuyFi" booth on 28th Street and 5th Avenue in New York City, where men could, in theory, go to "relieve stress.""
posted by marienbad (86 comments total)

In theory, communism works. In theory.
posted by tommasz at 2:27 PM on January 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

I always wondered what was really meant by the expression "New York minute".
posted by orange swan at 2:29 PM on January 15, 2016 [15 favorites]

I always wondered what was really meant by the expression "New York minute".

Just don't put the emphasis on the last syllable.
posted by jamjam at 2:31 PM on January 15, 2016 [10 favorites]

Now I understand what is meant by the expression New York values!
posted by taterpie at 2:32 PM on January 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

"the brand is not actively encouraging people to masturbate in public as that is an illegal offense."

Well, now that we've cleared that up.
posted by GuyZero at 2:33 PM on January 15, 2016 [5 favorites]

Why male only?
posted by Drinky Die at 2:34 PM on January 15, 2016 [7 favorites]

So where are women supposed to masturbate during the work day
posted by a strong female character at 2:35 PM on January 15, 2016 [46 favorites]

Because it was in response to a survey where 39% of men surveyed admitted to masturbating at work.
posted by GuyZero at 2:35 PM on January 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Because women don't masturbate, duh. That would be as silly as them being able to sweat or fart.
posted by loquacious at 2:35 PM on January 15, 2016 [22 favorites]

I thought this was what subway bathrooms were made for?
posted by thebotanyofsouls at 2:39 PM on January 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

Pepsi Splooge
posted by munchingzombie at 2:39 PM on January 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

tiny male masturbation fort

That's a fun phrase to (mis-)parse.
posted by axiom at 2:42 PM on January 15, 2016 [10 favorites]

Why male only?

Because they couldn't think of a unisex pun?
posted by dgaicun at 2:42 PM on January 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Because if there's one thing we need on the streets of our cities, it's more places where women feel weirdly threatened.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:44 PM on January 15, 2016 [39 favorites]

So it's a tiny alfresco peep show. For free. That certainly is... something.
posted by Splunge at 2:44 PM on January 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

That's three blocks from my office. Trying to decide whether I should give it a wide berth or go have a look. For science.
posted by holborne at 2:44 PM on January 15, 2016 [4 favorites]

Really? There's a level of horniness where rubbing one out is necessary before you get home? You can't put your horniness into what you're actually trying to accomplish?

I mean I understand horniness but jeez, seems undisciplined.
posted by angrycat at 2:45 PM on January 15, 2016 [8 favorites]

"tiny male masturbation fort" - should have "pitched a tent"
posted by King Sky Prawn at 2:45 PM on January 15, 2016 [11 favorites]

Not sure I've ever been that hard up. Anyway, who would want to touch that laptop? Or chair. Or anything, actually.
posted by Splunge at 2:46 PM on January 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

I thought you couldn't pull a fast one in New York...
posted by Chuffy at 2:48 PM on January 15, 2016 [5 favorites]

So, is this basically a computer that is always connected to the internet and allows a person to surf to any location on the web? Or only to a set list of porn sites? Thinking hacking capabilities, here.
posted by King Sky Prawn at 2:48 PM on January 15, 2016

"Really? There's a level of horniness where rubbing one out is necessary before you get home? You can't put your horniness into what you're actually trying to accomplish?"

The survey results amazed me until I realized that both of them were not "regularly" but "have you ever...". If that means an entire working life, including (for men, especially) when you worked in your late adolescence, then I wonder if that approximate 40% number might be an underreporting.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 2:50 PM on January 15, 2016 [6 favorites]

marienbad: "On Tuesday, Hot Octopuss erected..."

I see what you did there.
posted by schmod at 2:51 PM on January 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

"If I can wank it there
I'll wank it anywhere"
posted by mosk at 2:52 PM on January 15, 2016 [38 favorites]

the brand is not actively encouraging people to masturbate in public

Otherwise they would have called it CitiSpank.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:53 PM on January 15, 2016 [22 favorites]

Why male only?

Because the company makes a masturbation device for penises.
posted by wemayfreeze at 2:53 PM on January 15, 2016 [4 favorites]

Some women have penises, but besides that, it's a private booth so who cares who uses it? Some women may make sex toy purchasing decisions for partners, give them brand awareness with this service!
posted by Drinky Die at 2:55 PM on January 15, 2016 [7 favorites]

Did you see the photo? It's about as private as taking a shit in the middle of the road.
posted by GuyZero at 2:57 PM on January 15, 2016 [7 favorites]

The survey results amazed me until I realized that both of them were not "regularly" but "have you ever...". If that means an entire working life, including (for men, especially) when you worked in your late adolescence, then I wonder if that approximate 40% number might be an underreporting.

Yeah, though maybe 40% makes sense in terms of access as well. Plenty of jobs just might not ever provide someone the time & (semblance of) solitude to make it happen. I can easily imagine jobs where it would be weird not to have done it at work, given long enough hours and extended periods of down time.

The jobs where people have done it in the last year, or frequently, would be fascinating. And probably disturbing.
posted by phearlez at 2:57 PM on January 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Now that we've resolved the tiny male problem, how about the big and tall males...?
posted by HuronBob at 3:00 PM on January 15, 2016

Maybe if he tried it, Ted Cruz would change his mind on New York Values.
posted by Muncle at 3:08 PM on January 15, 2016 [4 favorites]

excuse me, there is a Ted Cruz Erotica thread that is still open and more appropriate for posting that sort of thing
posted by indubitable at 3:09 PM on January 15, 2016 [7 favorites]

Did you see the photo? It's about as private as taking a shit in the middle of the road.

Yes, I'm judging your lifestyle choices right now.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:21 PM on January 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

Why male only?

Because they make sex toys for men.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 3:32 PM on January 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Did you see the photo? It's about as private as taking a shit in the middle of the road.

My point is the intent is for single occupant use for anybody comfortable with the privacy level offered by the curtain. No reason not to offer this valuable service to everyone.
posted by Drinky Die at 3:34 PM on January 15, 2016

Thinking back to my office job, I don't think I did anything but masturbate.
posted by dgaicun at 3:38 PM on January 15, 2016 [11 favorites]

Obviously, the laptop is for posting comments on your favorite internet forum.
posted by polymodus at 3:40 PM on January 15, 2016 [9 favorites]

So is this what they call a New York State of mind?
posted by oceanjesse at 3:55 PM on January 15, 2016

I'm surprised this wasn't some ridiculous, point-missing proposal to reduce street harassment. Almost refreshing to learn that it's a dumb marketing stunt instead.
posted by tobascodagama at 4:18 PM on January 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

Diogenes of Sinope (better known today as Diogenes the Cynic; "cynic" comes from the same root as the English word "canine," and means "doglike") had several habits that the Athenians considered distasteful. He would eat in the marketplace, which was a violation of social norms, but more than that, he would on occasion actually masturbate in the Athenian forum. When confronted about this habit, he simply responded "If only it were as easy to banish hunger by rubbing my belly!"
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 4:19 PM on January 15, 2016 [28 favorites]

Really? There's a level of horniness where rubbing one out is necessary before you get home?

A startling number of men on the F train say a sticky enthusiastic yes to this query.
posted by poffin boffin at 4:25 PM on January 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

I thought this was what subway bathrooms were made for?

As a bonus, in the tearoom you don't have to masturbate alone!
posted by Nelson at 4:37 PM on January 15, 2016

Because women don't masturbate, duh. That would be as silly as them being able to sweat or fart.

I have it on good authority that women don't sweat, they glisten.
posted by MikeMc at 4:38 PM on January 15, 2016

> For the same reason there aren't female flashers bothering teenagers: Females are not as fucking disgusting as males.
posted by hal_c_on at 3:54 PM on January 15 [+] [!]

Women are also disgusting, as anyone who has ever cleaned public restrooms can attest. However, they're differently disgusting, and tend to go about being disgusting in more interesting and bizarre ways than men go about it.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 4:40 PM on January 15, 2016 [14 favorites]

I thought this was what subway bathrooms platforms were made for?

Fixed &c.
posted by dersins at 4:40 PM on January 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

For the record, I'm with Diogenes: a reasonable amount of public masturbation is healthy. Also, like Diogenes, I hold that if a rich man invites you into his home and tells you not to spit on the floor, you should spit in his face instead.

... thus ends today's installment of Diogenes Facts...
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 4:43 PM on January 15, 2016 [9 favorites]

I guess there is a desire for peep shows still. Not enough to keep them in business, though. RIP Lusty Lady.
posted by josher71 at 4:46 PM on January 15, 2016

It explains why Diogenes didn't find an honest man during his fabled lantern-lit journey. Not many people are going to stop to talk to a toga-clad sketchy guy with fire in one hand and cranking it like Soulja Boy with the other.
posted by dr_dank at 4:48 PM on January 15, 2016 [29 favorites]

This really bothers me actually, probably more than it should. Like women really need more creepy behavior on the street, or we need more over stimulated bros running around feeling entitled. It bothers me that it creates even more of a disparity in the way that society views sex. It bothers me that this seems to just assume female tolerance in a society where there's already this awful double standard.
posted by floweredfish at 4:52 PM on January 15, 2016 [17 favorites]

I think the movie Idiocracy predicted something like this.
posted by Liquidwolf at 5:04 PM on January 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

Finally. A reason to visit New York City.
posted by um at 5:09 PM on January 15, 2016 [4 favorites]

Do they employ a jizzmopper?
posted by L.P. Hatecraft at 5:19 PM on January 15, 2016 [4 favorites]

...39% of men admit to masturbating at work?

Where do these men work? I've never worked anywhere with that kind of privacy. It's not like you could be quiet enough in the tiny bathroom stalls at my office.
posted by octothorpe at 5:28 PM on January 15, 2016

Meh. It's been done better already. (ETA: NSFW!)
posted by sourcequench at 5:43 PM on January 15, 2016

Now if someone could find a way to make this booth a source of renewable energy, you'd have something that would change the world!
posted by Muncle at 5:46 PM on January 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was a jizzmopper in my younger days. I'll reach out to my professional contacts.
posted by josher71 at 6:00 PM on January 15, 2016 [7 favorites]

Wait- porno booths In Manhattan are now being treated as some sort of novelty?


New York, you've changed.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:43 PM on January 15, 2016 [8 favorites]

@muncle
somebody already tried that and used it as a cloud seeder. Heard they were raided by the FDA.

Also: this is gross. Last week i was at the library with my son, and we made the mistake of sitting near the computers. Not 20 minutes later an old man sat down at one of the computers and starts surfing porn. This is the same level of gross.
posted by Sallysings at 6:50 PM on January 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

So where are women supposed to masturbate during the work day

At our desks? We can simply cross our legs together and squeeze with no one the wiser.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:10 PM on January 15, 2016 [6 favorites]

This should be set up so you go in this booth and hook yourself up to this device and have telesex with somebody else in another booth with another device

Just for maximum squick

I mean personally I already have trouble touching public door knobs
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:50 PM on January 15, 2016

Hey guys I'm in NYC and somebody left this computer in a tent!
posted by eriko at 7:51 PM on January 15, 2016 [13 favorites]

At our desks? We can simply cross our legs together and squeeze with no one the wiser.

Beware of jealousy, my lord! It’s a green-eyed monster that makes fun of the victims it devours. ... The person who’s poor and contented is rich enough. But infinite riches are nothing to someone who’s always afraid he’ll be poor. God, help us not be jealous!
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:23 PM on January 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

You can't put your horniness into what you're actually trying to accomplish?

Improves typing speed by 10%.
posted by smidgen at 8:54 PM on January 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

> At our desks? We can simply cross our legs together and squeeze with no one the wiser.
infinite riches are nothing to someone who’s always afraid he’ll be poor

Well, let me tell you about the PC muscle and a little thing called the prostate. (starts banjo music)
posted by smidgen at 8:57 PM on January 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

It's not like you could be quiet enough in the tiny bathroom stalls at my office.

Quiet?
posted by Justinian at 9:13 PM on January 15, 2016

At our desks? We can simply cross our legs together and squeeze with no one the wiser.

Ladies are fortunate in that they can be more ah, subtle.

What, no mention of Duck Club in this thread yet? That's even worse than masturbating at work.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:29 PM on January 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

Man, I remember when this was called "Times Square".
posted by mikelieman at 9:55 PM on January 15, 2016 [5 favorites]

> > Really? There's a level of horniness where rubbing one out is necessary before you get home?

> A startling number of men on the F train say a sticky enthusiastic yes to this query.
posted by poffin boffin at 4:25 PM on January 15 [1 favorite +] [!]

Guys guys that's not what the F train is for. That's what the M train is for. The F train is for partnered activity.

but srsly Diogenes aside masturbation in public, especially male masturbation, is probably something.... well, at very least it's something best saved until after the patriarchy's been smashed.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 10:13 PM on January 15, 2016 [2 favorites]

While I understand the logic behind the "especially" I must say I would consider it a personal favor if women would also refrain from rubbing one out near me when I am in public.
posted by Justinian at 10:19 PM on January 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

So, looking at this old obsolete Telephone Booth infrastructure cluttering the sidewalks, we had a choice how best to use it. Semi-Private Wankeries for Men, or Anything Else That Might Possibly Be of Benefit to Anyone Ever.

Guess what we chose?
posted by notyou at 11:10 PM on January 15, 2016

yeah that's right we chose the M train. M for masturbation.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:03 AM on January 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

Wow, that is like not private at all. The thing no one's mentioned: This seems like it would potentially offer prime blackmailing or shaming opportunity for any dude foolish enough to enter the booth. Taking photos of guys entering or exiting it, in public, would be totally legal. Blackmail would not be, but public shaming would... Anyway, yeah, not sure this provides the privacy advertised. I wonder if that would be actionable...

Also: this is gross. Last week i was at the library with my son, and we made the mistake of sitting near the computers. Not 20 minutes later an old man sat down at one of the computers and starts surfing porn. This is the same level of gross.

And now you have brought back my memories of the time I was using the free public Internet at the library as a teen and ended up sitting next to a clearly mentally ill woman who smelled like body cheese and was surfing pages of vampire erotica...
posted by limeonaire at 5:16 AM on January 16, 2016

I was surprised to find all the hand wringing and humorlessness in the comments here. It's an obvious marketing stunt, not intended to be used but to be talked about. How many of you had heard of Hot Octopuss before this?
posted by DrLickies at 6:04 AM on January 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

but srsly Diogenes aside masturbation in public, especially male masturbation, is probably something best saved until after the patriarchy's been smashed.

Really? Thanks for telling us, the only person in this thread who was posting multiple comments implicitly exhorting the virtues of public masturbation. And thanks for the senseless violence of talking about smashing the patriarchy, fellow male, and spitting in the face of rich people, fellow rich person.

Can we get back to the subject of how vile the oversexualisation of public space is, now? Even if we did follow the sex toy manufacturer's wishes and start pretending it should be conceivable that we had public spaces set aside for masturbation.
posted by ambrosen at 6:23 AM on January 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was surprised to find all the hand wringing and humorlessness in the comments here. It's an obvious marketing stunt, not intended to be used but to be talked about. How many of you had heard of Hot Octopuss before this?

This. So much this.

I can't help but feel like if this were a ladies booth, there would be a lot less masturbation shaming. I find the negative instead of joking attitude disappointing.
posted by phlyingpenguin at 6:23 AM on January 16, 2016 [7 favorites]

It's not masturbation shaming, it's inflicting your sexuality on other people shaming. Which is an overwhelmingly male habit, and vastly more threatening in the M➡F direction
posted by ambrosen at 6:29 AM on January 16, 2016 [14 favorites]

How timely this post is! I'm in Jackson, MS today and as I was exiting my hotel, I heard a loud "psssst!" Sound. I looked up, and a man was across the street in a doorway, jerking it. I thought to myself, "It's 2016! Shouldn't we have invented something better for public masturbation by now?" Jackson is so behind the times. I wonder when Mississippi will finally have these booths. It seems like Mississippi is always the last state in the US to adopt new technology. I guess the poor gentleman will have to keep hanging out in doorways for now.
posted by domo at 8:41 AM on January 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

orange swan: "I always wondered what was really meant by the expression "New York minute"."

I guess I shouldn't mention I use the term "New York Nanosecond" then?
posted by Samizdata at 9:05 AM on January 16, 2016

Also, anyone want to chip in and get me a Pulse so I can write a trip report?
posted by Samizdata at 9:11 AM on January 16, 2016

How many of you had heard of [WEIRD PUBLIC SEX COMPANY] before this?

Hm, somehow I'm not inclined to look up their products.
posted by tobascodagama at 9:13 AM on January 16, 2016

So, looking at this old obsolete Telephone Booth infrastructure cluttering the sidewalks, we had a choice how best to use it. Semi-Private Wankeries for Men, or Anything Else That Might Possibly Be of Benefit to Anyone Ever.

The non-existent "we" didn't have a choice. The owners of the obsolete infrastructure, and I believe the city gov't due to the easements on the sidewalk or however it's set up, had a choice, and they picked "advertising," which is what this is.
posted by save alive nothing that breatheth at 9:27 AM on January 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

ambrosen: yeah, you're right. I was out of line.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 6:10 PM on January 16, 2016

I thought New York was going to convert all the phone booths into gigabit wifi access points.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 2:25 AM on January 17, 2016

orange swan: "I always wondered what was really meant by the expression "New York minute"."

Samizdata: I guess I shouldn't mention I use the term "New York Nanosecond" then?

Well, let's put it this way... if I were you, I wouldn't use that term in my dating site profile.
posted by orange swan at 4:40 PM on January 17, 2016

Also, anyone want to chip in and get me a Pulse so I can write a trip report?

Does it teleport you some place?
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:18 PM on January 17, 2016

If nobody used it? I am a million percent certain someone already has. Whether genuine horniness, some sense of irony, a weird stab at fame... someone's going to do it if they haven't already.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:15 PM on January 17, 2016