G O B B L E S T I X

January 23, 2016 10:00 AM

A commerical for the dried turkey snack food 'Gobblestix' slowed down 50%
posted by The Whelk (33 comments total)

Quite frankly that commercial would be awesome at any speed.
posted by mazola at 10:05 AM on January 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Are we sure this isn't the latest Ween track?
posted by Requiax at 10:12 AM on January 23, 2016 [10 favorites]

The down side of never watching live TV is that I miss amazing stuff like this.
posted by octothorpe at 10:14 AM on January 23, 2016 [7 favorites]

I thought that bumping up playback speed by 2x would lessen the terror by restoring the audio to normal, but it keeps the pitch intact while speeding things up such that it's ramming thick, turgid, beef-like audio nightmares into each earhole. Double the horror, twice as fast.

And so I find myself thinking about when people do that thing where they say, "Oh MAN! This smells DISGUSTING!" while holding their finger out toward your nose. Which is to say: give it a shot, set speed to 2x.
posted by herrdoktor at 10:18 AM on January 23, 2016 [9 favorites]

Gimme Piiz-zaaaaaaa.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:19 AM on January 23, 2016 [21 favorites]

Commercials like these are the primary reason I don't watch the Cartoon Network anymore even if I happen to love one of their shows. Even at normal speed, these things are kind of creepy and gross.
posted by surazal at 10:21 AM on January 23, 2016

Mod note: One comment deleted. Mblue, take a day off.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 10:22 AM on January 23, 2016

ALL THE FOOD IS POISON
posted by zchyrs at 10:35 AM on January 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

so the whelkster found his shnow schwag shtash
posted by lalochezia at 10:35 AM on January 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Well, this is my religion now. Honey, pizza, cheese, these are my sacraments.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 10:35 AM on January 23, 2016 [8 favorites]

The 80s were a more innocent time.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 10:45 AM on January 23, 2016

The 80s were a more innocent time.

Especially in NYC, amirite?
posted by kozad at 10:50 AM on January 23, 2016

ALL THE FOOD IS POISON

Spoiler warnings please!!!
posted by fairmettle at 10:51 AM on January 23, 2016

How do you even get banned for commenting on a slowed down turkey jerkey commercial.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:54 AM on January 23, 2016 [53 favorites]

> Are we sure this isn't the latest Ween track?
i believe you're thinking of Where'd the Cheese Go?
posted by contraption at 10:56 AM on January 23, 2016 [5 favorites]

Gimme Piiz-zaaaaaaa.

Obligatory Paula Deen
posted by slater at 11:08 AM on January 23, 2016 [6 favorites]

If I were slightly less lazy and slightly more talented I would undertake a recording of the slowed down version as a sludge rock anthem.

...And now I'm sad to find that my favorite already-weird-video-becomes-nightmarish-at-half-speed clip of Riddle and Phelps Eefing and Hamboning has been yanked for copyright violation. (Link goes to regular speed clip which inexplicably remains online.)
posted by usonian at 11:20 AM on January 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Needs more pentagrams.
posted by lagomorphius at 11:23 AM on January 23, 2016

Am I the only one totally bothered by the belching?
posted by rock swoon has no past at 11:36 AM on January 23, 2016 [5 favorites]

Put a red curtain behind it, adjust the lighting, desaturate the foreground, and voila, instant David Lynch featurette.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 11:51 AM on January 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

Obligatory Paula Deen
Thanks a lot for that... Now where am I going to get a donut burger with bacon & egg around here?
posted by MtDewd at 11:54 AM on January 23, 2016

If you watch this commercial backwards, DJ Screw will visit you in 3 days.
posted by Smart Dalek at 12:08 PM on January 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

This just made my day! When I watched the original ad, it seemed so "normal" and familiar even though I had never seen it before. Thankfully, the slower version allowed me to see the true frightening nature of the product. Honey-flavored meatsticks, I mean, REALLY?!

The good news is that snack food in the US has gotten way more delicious and awesome since the 90s. Unfortunately, the bad news is that these snacks, engineered-for-maximum-deliciousness, are partially responsible for the the current obesity epidemic in the US.

Gobblestix? The thought alone ruins my appetite. Spicy sweet chili Doritos on the other hand? Just can't get enough!
posted by smorgasbord at 12:35 PM on January 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Sounds a lot like The Residents.
posted by kinnakeet at 1:23 PM on January 23, 2016

Well that was fun! I was surprised this "food" was from the 90s and not the 80s. However, I guess they could have been manufactured in the 80s and then sold in the 90s.
posted by Muncle at 1:32 PM on January 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

when does a dream become a nightmare?
posted by palomar at 2:18 PM on January 23, 2016

"We've got ten tons of grade Z turkey meat, any idea what we can do with it before foisting it off as cat food?"
posted by destro at 3:01 PM on January 23, 2016

WITCH HOUSE BANGIN TRAX GΔBBLƎS†IX (▲NDRΛS DEMIX)
posted by FatherDagon at 8:46 PM on January 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

The best of the genre. Grandma steals the show.
posted by sourwookie at 9:50 PM on January 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

It's funny 'cause it's true.
posted by petebest at 6:38 AM on January 24, 2016

sourwookie: "The best of the genre. Grandma steals the show."

On the edge of my fucking seat with fear and dread until 1:33, when they finally reveal what the baby bullet is for: making baby food.
posted by Bugbread at 8:27 PM on January 24, 2016

...should not have commented until watching the rest of the video...
posted by Bugbread at 8:29 PM on January 24, 2016

Where I live, a gobble is slang for a blowjob, which makes this substantially worse/funnier.
posted by cincinnatus c at 3:01 AM on January 25, 2016