"...preferably under the wheels of an M103 bus."

February 8, 2016 12:24 PM

"Ed Koch once said that "to be a New Yorker you have to live here for six months, and if at the end of the six months you find you walk faster, talk faster, think faster, you're a New Yorker." On the search to find the realest answer (is it "until you cry on the subway"?), we decided to hit the pavement to ask locals to finish the sentence for us. "
posted by roomthreeseventeen (47 comments total)

What New Yorker owns a car?

People who live in Queens.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:29 PM on February 8, 2016 [9 favorites]

From what I can tell, the true sign of being a New Yorker is moving to LA and complaining about how terrible the bagels are.
posted by teponaztli at 12:29 PM on February 8, 2016 [30 favorites]

you MONSTER i was going to post this
posted by poffin boffin at 12:31 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

What New Yorker owns a car?

also people who moved here from car cities and can't let go
posted by poffin boffin at 12:31 PM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]

You are not a real New Yorker until the deli guys look you over and say no cheesecake for you.
posted by Oyéah at 12:36 PM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]

You're not a real New Yorker until you claim any of these things are exclusive to New York.
posted by capricorn at 12:39 PM on February 8, 2016 [16 favorites]

until you see jake gyllenhaal pee on a cheesecake bagel on the subway
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:41 PM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]

It's not that any of them are necessarily exclusive to New York, but in the aggregate, yeah, they reflect the city's particular flavor.
posted by ocherdraco at 12:42 PM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]

I'm trying to imagine situations in which the distinction between a real New Yorker and a cheap imitation New Yorker would be relevant. None of them are pleasant.
posted by LogicalDash at 12:47 PM on February 8, 2016

You are a real New Yorker when you don't give a shit who is a real New Yorker
posted by Postroad at 12:50 PM on February 8, 2016 [10 favorites]

What New Yorker owns a car?

44% of NYC households have a car.
posted by octothorpe at 12:54 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

they reflect the city's particular flavor.

As I understand it, speaking as a non-New Yorker, it's a mixture of hot garbage, maple syrup, and pee.
posted by phunniemee at 12:59 PM on February 8, 2016 [15 favorites]

No real New Yorker would stop to answer a question in the street, so the answer is unknowable.
posted by scruss at 12:59 PM on February 8, 2016 [33 favorites]

The correct answer to this question is "Get the fuck outta my way, I gotta bus to catch, asshole!"
posted by jonmc at 1:01 PM on February 8, 2016 [9 favorites]

Metafilter: it's a mixture of hot garbage, maple syrup, and pee.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 1:02 PM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]

My friend moved to New York years ago, and he said the moment he decided he was finally a New Yorker was when someone asked him to sign a petition and he held up both arms while yelling "I have carpal tunnel in both arms!" He was like, oh, I'm one of those crazy people I've seen, I guess I've made it.
posted by teponaztli at 1:04 PM on February 8, 2016 [16 favorites]

You know a real New Yorker when you see one, and it's different for everybody. I once saw a real New Yorker steal a cab by tossing his toddler through the open cab door into the cab (leaving the dude who had walked up to the cab from the front and opened the door but not yet stepped around it totes agog).
posted by prefpara at 1:04 PM on February 8, 2016 [6 favorites]

CITY FACE necessary......but NOT sufficient for New Yorkerdom to be bestowed on your johnny-come-lately ass.
posted by lalochezia at 1:08 PM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

I used to have my own rules that you could count yourself a real New Yorker when

a) you had been totally screwed over by some form of transportation because of some mishap that went above and beyond the usual and was difficult to explain;

b) you had been the victim of some kind of minor crime; and

c) you had seen at least two different bodily functions being performed in public.


( a: trapped in Hoboken because a guy had gone streaking in the PATH tunnel at 1 am; b: mugged right outside my dorm; and c: plenty of public pee-ers and also saw a guy masturbating in Riverside Park. I thus formally became a New Yorker sometime in 1992.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:23 PM on February 8, 2016 [5 favorites]

I moved to New York in the fall of 2000 and I'm sure that colors my answer. I think you become a Real New Yorker when you live through a citywide disaster as a New Yorker and it doesn't make you decide to leave. 9/11, the 2003 blackout, Hurricane Sandy.

I wasn't born here and didn't grow up here, and I feel like those who did have more right than I do to say I'm not a Real New Yorker. But I'll never tell anyone who was here on 9/11 and said "I'm not leaving, this is my home" that they're not a Real New Yorker no matter where they were born.
posted by matcha action at 1:26 PM on February 8, 2016 [6 favorites]

The 2003 blackout was one of the best nights of my life. Why would I leave after that party?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:27 PM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]

I used to have my own rules that you could count yourself a real New Yorker when

According to those rules I've become a proper New Yorker in at least four major American cities.
posted by teponaztli at 1:31 PM on February 8, 2016 [10 favorites]

Maybe if you were one of the ones who had to walk from midtown to the middle of Brooklyn?

It turned into a great night for me too but that afternoon was awful.
posted by matcha action at 1:32 PM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

c) you had seen at least two different bodily functions being performed in public.

Pretty sure I've seen all of them happen right here in the cozy confines of the Red Line in Chicago.
posted by phunniemee at 1:33 PM on February 8, 2016 [5 favorites]

When you look down and say "Hm. What on earth is that mysterious liquid in the gutter?"
posted by sexyrobot at 1:34 PM on February 8, 2016

Maybe if you were one of the ones who had to walk from midtown to the middle of Brooklyn?

Maybe. I walked from FiDi to Chelsea and went to a party.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:34 PM on February 8, 2016

The last time I was there within about two hours I was walking and talking faster. I love the efficiency of the place. (Especially contrasted with LA lollygaggers.)
posted by persona au gratin at 1:58 PM on February 8, 2016

Yeah, I was in New York for the summer during the 2003 blackout, and it made me want to stay. But once I got in touch with my brother, I realized that it was a totally different experience for those of us who hadn't been there for September 11th than for people who had. I was like "everyone is so helpful and friendly!" and he was having literal PTSD flashbacks.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 2:01 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

When I lived there for a few years, I think my criteria was the ability to sleep standing up on a crowded subway with only one hand on the pole. I am sure this would also apply to many other cities.

I so regret not going into town during the 2003 blackout -- the friends who did said they had a blast. We just got stoned and directed traffic at a nearby intersection for a bit. And, of course, listened to the radio playing "Dark Side of the Moon".
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 2:02 PM on February 8, 2016

It's an interesting question that "You are not a real person in this place until . . .

Derail: I once ended up on a Montana rural subdivision board where I had some land because at our first meeting to elect the board a woman said, "I want to be on the board because I can't wait to sell our home in California and become a Montanan." I stood up and said, "Lady, moving to Montana will no more make you a Montanan than moving to France would make me a Frenchman." I got elected without being nominated.

Another board member got a call a year later from a woman who said a porcupine was eating one of her pine trees and what was the board going to do about it? He said, "If you have a couple of beers for me I'll come up and shoot it."

I don't think she stuck around much longer.

I don't know what the New York equivalent to those would be. Complaining about the homeless? Or the noise?
posted by ITravelMontana at 2:07 PM on February 8, 2016 [6 favorites]

Pretty sure I've seen all of them happen right here in the cozy confines of the Red Line in Chicago.

One time I was riding the Red Line and some guys were talking about how badly they had to pee. They were all "I could just pee on this car right now!" and a woman behind them turned around and said "I do that all the time! I just bring an extra shirt in my backpack." They were all horrified, and I was like what does she use the shirt for?
posted by teponaztli at 2:09 PM on February 8, 2016 [9 favorites]

I thought it was when you started plotting against your pre-world war 2 rent controlled apartment dwelling neighbor or thought about marrying said neighbor to inherit the rent controlled apartment.
posted by jadepearl at 2:13 PM on February 8, 2016

the moment you are a real new yorker is when you no longer make lists of things that make you a real new yorker, come on
posted by poffin boffin at 3:00 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

A few years ago I made a list of things that would make me a real New Yorker.

1) Eat pancakes for lunch instead of breakfast
2) Learn multiplication tables for the number 11
3) Think about buildings that are, like, really tall

It turns out I qualify!
posted by shakespeherian at 3:22 PM on February 8, 2016 [4 favorites]

44% of NYC households have a car.

maaaan, i thought you guys were cooler than that
posted by entropicamericana at 3:48 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

What New Yorker owns a car?

People who live in Queens.

Or the Bronx. Esp. around Van Cortlandt.
posted by foodbedgospel at 4:07 PM on February 8, 2016

When you see a subway rat and your response is: 'Sup.
posted by Capt. Renault at 4:34 PM on February 8, 2016 [7 favorites]

Greg Nog ftw!

Yesterday there was a buzzfeed quiz going around facebook, This Food Test Will Prove If You Are A Real New Yorker. I got a 15 out of 17 by the way, but many of my friends were complaining about it and getting hurt feelings, even people who were born here and have lived here all their lives (I've lived here most of mine but I wasn't born here).

It got me to thinking that one of the few remaining things I genuinely like about New York is the diversity of people, and knowing people from all over the world, so all this real New Yorker stuff is irrelevant.

Or, you're not a real New Yorker unless most of your friends are from somewhere else.
posted by maggiemaggie at 6:04 PM on February 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

When you see an empty subway car at rush hour and instinctively avoid it.
posted by STFUDonnie at 6:31 PM on February 8, 2016 [11 favorites]

New York resident since 1993 here. I own a car.

(And I got 16 of 17 on the food quiz. Stupid burger question tripped me up. Corner Bistro 4eva!)
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 7:05 PM on February 8, 2016

You know you're a real New Yorker when you move to San Francisco because you think "meh, can't be all that different", and then you move back a few years later because New York actually is a better city.
posted by panama joe at 7:34 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got 10/17 and a "Congratulations, you're a real New Yorker" on that food quiz and I have spent um I think 10 days in New York in my whole entire life, and most of them were in 1998. I guessed on a lot of them but they were educated guesses.
posted by town of cats at 8:38 PM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

New Yorkers seem to be proud of being "abrasive" and "aggressive," being "straight-talkers," and "telling it like it is." Because New York. The rest of the country (and the world) doesn't have this get-out-of-jail card so must actually behave like conscientious, considerate humans or people will think they are assholes. Not New Yorkers! They're special, because they say so.

This attitude, as a matter of fact, exists in another part of the U.S.; it's called Texas.
posted by zardoz at 12:49 AM on February 9, 2016 [2 favorites]

If you believe in the stereotypes said about New York , you might not be a real New Yorker.
posted by I-baLL at 1:48 AM on February 9, 2016

This attitude, as a matter of fact, exists in another part of the U.S.; it's called Texas.

I have always thought that Texans were just like New Yorkers, they just smile more.
posted by maggiemaggie at 4:06 AM on February 9, 2016

New Yorkers seem to be proud of being "abrasive" and "aggressive," being "straight-talkers," and "telling it like it is."

From my experience, New Yorkers are the nicest people in the world. That whole New Yorkers are mean thing is just a shibboleth we use to tell the real New Yorkers from the not.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 5:22 AM on February 9, 2016 [5 favorites]

And to reduce competition for apartments.
posted by hippugeek at 6:00 AM on February 9, 2016