Cute and cuddly dolphins are secretly murderers
February 12, 2016 2:05 PM Subscribe
They do not just behave like Flipper Dolphins are clever and sociable, but they also have a dark side that will make your hair stand on end
I am not going to click on that link.
posted by ReluctantViking at 2:16 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by ReluctantViking at 2:16 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Ah, dolphins - the adorable murderous rapists of the sea.
posted by NoxAeternum at 2:18 PM on February 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by NoxAeternum at 2:18 PM on February 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
Ok, dolphins are evil wicked beasts, not to be trusted. Got it. Then I clicked on the related story about Great White Sharks, which are, apparently, noble and misunderstood beasts. I wonder if the BBC has hired a shark as a correspondent....
Then another related story, about the dark side of penguins, caught my eye. It contained this paragraph:
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:21 PM on February 12, 2016 [14 favorites]
Then another related story, about the dark side of penguins, caught my eye. It contained this paragraph:
This sort of thing does happen. In recent years, fur seals have been discovered trying to have sex with penguins on at least four separate occasions, and this may also be a simple mistake.I am sure that is what the fur seals would have us believe.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:21 PM on February 12, 2016 [14 favorites]
A lot of words in quotation marks, speculation, out of context statements as well as attempting to pin human traits onto dolphins.... click bait...
posted by HuronBob at 2:25 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by HuronBob at 2:25 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
I have heard horror stories about dolphins and many of the great apes. Now I'm wondering if octopi and elephants are also secretly terrible. Maybe greater intelligence brings greater malice.
posted by Anonymous at 2:34 PM on February 12, 2016
posted by Anonymous at 2:34 PM on February 12, 2016
schroedinger: "Now I'm wondering if octopi and elephants are also secretly terrible."
Twitter has you covered on octopuses.
posted by boo_radley at 2:40 PM on February 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
Twitter has you covered on octopuses.
posted by boo_radley at 2:40 PM on February 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm wondering if octopi and elephants are also secretly terrible. Maybe greater intelligence brings greater malice.
I'm looking forward to Nature's new "They're Just Like Us!" two page feature.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:40 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm looking forward to Nature's new "They're Just Like Us!" two page feature.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:40 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
octopi and elephants
Ocotpodes and elephants are really good parents. Surprisingly, vampire bats share food even with non-relatives.
posted by porpoise at 2:43 PM on February 12, 2016
Ocotpodes and elephants are really good parents. Surprisingly, vampire bats share food even with non-relatives.
posted by porpoise at 2:43 PM on February 12, 2016
I am sure that is what the fur seals would have us believe.
Something is clearly afoot among the aquatic creatures. Maybe they're planning a takeover.
posted by mudpuppie at 2:52 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Something is clearly afoot among the aquatic creatures. Maybe they're planning a takeover.
posted by mudpuppie at 2:52 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
I see articles like this about dolphins, penguins, and other animals periodically, and the point seems to be "SHOCKING NEWS: animals behave like animals. We thought they were cute little people in costumes, but it turns out they are BEASTS!"
I mean, dolphins are smart, but can you imagine them having a concept of what "rape" or "incest" is? Or even "murder"?
Most of the traits they describe could also be applied to dogs or cats, at least in their wild forms. Even apes.
Having said all this, count me in on the "BBC secretly run by actual sharks" conspiracy.
posted by mmoncur at 3:02 PM on February 12, 2016 [7 favorites]
I mean, dolphins are smart, but can you imagine them having a concept of what "rape" or "incest" is? Or even "murder"?
Most of the traits they describe could also be applied to dogs or cats, at least in their wild forms. Even apes.
Having said all this, count me in on the "BBC secretly run by actual sharks" conspiracy.
posted by mmoncur at 3:02 PM on February 12, 2016 [7 favorites]
Something is clearly afoot among the aquatic creatures
Yes. I believe it's called a flipper.
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:09 PM on February 12, 2016 [18 favorites]
Yes. I believe it's called a flipper.
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:09 PM on February 12, 2016 [18 favorites]
Common knowledge about killer whales extends to other dolphins as well, obviously.
posted by tobascodagama at 3:14 PM on February 12, 2016
posted by tobascodagama at 3:14 PM on February 12, 2016
SHOCKING NEWS: animals behave like animals. We thought they were cute little people in costumes, but it turns out they are BEASTS
Much like people.
posted by wildblueyonder at 3:14 PM on February 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
Much like people.
posted by wildblueyonder at 3:14 PM on February 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
As an insightful man once said: "This evolved as a survival trait, in the same way as a human's hand and eye co-ordination, a chameleon's camouflage and a dolphin's renowned ability to save drowning swimmers if there's any chance that biting them in half might be observed and commented upon adversely by other humans."
posted by Pinback at 3:22 PM on February 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Pinback at 3:22 PM on February 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
I advise avoiding anything about the sex lives of otters.
posted by jamjam at 3:26 PM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by jamjam at 3:26 PM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
I see articles like this about dolphins, penguins, and other animals periodically, and the point seems to be "SHOCKING NEWS: animals behave like animals. We thought they were cute little people in costumes, but it turns out they are BEASTS!"
Except that the cultural trend in many cases seems to have been, "look at these nice creatures, so unlike humans, so cuddly and kind and loving" - for a while we were playing that game with gorillas, chimps (still doing so, with bonobos), and, relevant here, dolphins. There's a lot of idealistic nonsense projected onto animals and onto "nature" more generally.
posted by AdamCSnider at 3:26 PM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
Except that the cultural trend in many cases seems to have been, "look at these nice creatures, so unlike humans, so cuddly and kind and loving" - for a while we were playing that game with gorillas, chimps (still doing so, with bonobos), and, relevant here, dolphins. There's a lot of idealistic nonsense projected onto animals and onto "nature" more generally.
posted by AdamCSnider at 3:26 PM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
I could have gone a while longer without seeing a photo captioned "A dead calf being thrown through the air." In pretty much any context, really.
posted by Shepherd at 3:28 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Shepherd at 3:28 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Most of the traits they describe could also be applied to dogs or cats, at least in their wild forms. Even apes.
See also: Ducks. I work near an arboretum with a creek running through it. There are lots of ducks. This time of year, I just want to stay inside, because witnessing duck assault after duck assault gives me shell-shock.
posted by mudpuppie at 3:50 PM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
See also: Ducks. I work near an arboretum with a creek running through it. There are lots of ducks. This time of year, I just want to stay inside, because witnessing duck assault after duck assault gives me shell-shock.
posted by mudpuppie at 3:50 PM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
See also: Ducks.
Look closer and you may recoil in surprise
At webfooted fascists with mad little eyes...
posted by howfar at 4:12 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Look closer and you may recoil in surprise
At webfooted fascists with mad little eyes...
posted by howfar at 4:12 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy fuck,'" said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans. "That's it for us monkeys."
posted by Special Agent Dale Cooper at 4:24 PM on February 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Special Agent Dale Cooper at 4:24 PM on February 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
We admire dolphins because they are so much like us.
posted by eriko at 4:55 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by eriko at 4:55 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also These stories tend to pop up once in a while:
posted by gorgor_balabala at 5:48 PM on February 12, 2016
posted by gorgor_balabala at 5:48 PM on February 12, 2016
I knew those buggers were up to something all along. You can't trust any creature that smiles all the time.
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 6:15 PM on February 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 6:15 PM on February 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
More upcoming bad news:
Puppies cheat on their taxes.
Sloths overwhelmingly vote republican.
Hamsters are climate change deniers.
Lemurs frequently ignore their child support payment obligations.
Baby Hedgehogs leave the toilet seat up.
Everything you love is a jerkface. Feel sad now. Scientists say so.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 6:17 PM on February 12, 2016 [8 favorites]
Puppies cheat on their taxes.
Sloths overwhelmingly vote republican.
Hamsters are climate change deniers.
Lemurs frequently ignore their child support payment obligations.
Baby Hedgehogs leave the toilet seat up.
Everything you love is a jerkface. Feel sad now. Scientists say so.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 6:17 PM on February 12, 2016 [8 favorites]
This did sort of read like a political attack ad:
Dolphins may look friendly and inviting, but did you know about their savage and violent mating tendencies? And can we really be sure that they aren't eating their own young?
Is this the sea creature that you want sharing the ocean with your children?
Vote for Sharks!
This ad was bought and paid for by the Sharks Are Your Friends and Dolphins are the Worst 2016 Super PAC
posted by litera scripta manet at 6:44 PM on February 12, 2016 [7 favorites]
Dolphins may look friendly and inviting, but did you know about their savage and violent mating tendencies? And can we really be sure that they aren't eating their own young?
Is this the sea creature that you want sharing the ocean with your children?
Vote for Sharks!
This ad was bought and paid for by the Sharks Are Your Friends and Dolphins are the Worst 2016 Super PAC
posted by litera scripta manet at 6:44 PM on February 12, 2016 [7 favorites]
Fuck sharks. Jets until I die.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:09 PM on February 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:09 PM on February 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
We've always been at war with eastdolphinia.
posted by Carillon at 9:02 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Carillon at 9:02 PM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
No, but really, killer whales are the best.
Who cares about Shark Week? I want Orca Week! They're so much cooler than dolphins, and they don't attack people.*
This ad was bought and paid for by the Dolphins Eat Their Children and Sharks will Eat YOUR Children but Orcas Just Want to be Your Friend 2016 Super PAC.
*At least not fatally, and not counting the captive orcas. As far as we know.
posted by litera scripta manet at 9:08 PM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
Who cares about Shark Week? I want Orca Week! They're so much cooler than dolphins, and they don't attack people.*
This ad was bought and paid for by the Dolphins Eat Their Children and Sharks will Eat YOUR Children but Orcas Just Want to be Your Friend 2016 Super PAC.
*At least not fatally, and not counting the captive orcas. As far as we know.
posted by litera scripta manet at 9:08 PM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
Sloths overwhelmingly vote republican.
SAY IT AIN'T SO!
posted by boilermonster at 11:36 PM on February 12, 2016
SAY IT AIN'T SO!
posted by boilermonster at 11:36 PM on February 12, 2016
Pinback: "a dolphin's renowned ability to save drowning swimmers"
A friend of mine has the theory that dolphins might only save ~1 in 20 people they encounter. The other 19 out of 20 cases the dolphin leads the human to deeper water and subsequent drowning. And that dolphins only save the 5% as marketing allowing them to kill the 95%.
How would we ever know? After all the victims just end up drowning; something likely anyways from them having ended up in the water in the first place.
posted by Mitheral at 11:57 PM on February 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
A friend of mine has the theory that dolphins might only save ~1 in 20 people they encounter. The other 19 out of 20 cases the dolphin leads the human to deeper water and subsequent drowning. And that dolphins only save the 5% as marketing allowing them to kill the 95%.
How would we ever know? After all the victims just end up drowning; something likely anyways from them having ended up in the water in the first place.
posted by Mitheral at 11:57 PM on February 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
Then there was the time that dolphins wouldn't participate in language research with humans until the human researcher jerked them off.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:39 AM on February 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:39 AM on February 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
This only gives more credence to my "dolphins may not be human, but they are definitely people" argument.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 12:58 AM on February 13, 2016
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 12:58 AM on February 13, 2016
I think there are good arguments that there are significant numbers of non-human people. If a being has a concept of itself as continuing through time, as a distinct entity separate from other such entities in the world, I'd say it meets the criteria for personhood. This would clearly capture most higher primates and a significant range of cetaceans.
posted by howfar at 4:09 AM on February 13, 2016
posted by howfar at 4:09 AM on February 13, 2016
Sloths overwhelmingly vote republican.
SAY IT AIN'T SO!
If it helps, some of them are still on their way to the polls to vote for Lincoln.
posted by argonauta at 7:04 AM on February 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
SAY IT AIN'T SO!
If it helps, some of them are still on their way to the polls to vote for Lincoln.
posted by argonauta at 7:04 AM on February 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
Even more impressingly, in 2001 two bottlenose dolphins at the New York Aquarium passed the "mirror test".
"impressingly"?
Yeah, this is shark propaganda all right. They haven't mastered English yet, apparently.
posted by droplet at 9:49 AM on February 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
"impressingly"?
Yeah, this is shark propaganda all right. They haven't mastered English yet, apparently.
posted by droplet at 9:49 AM on February 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Then there was the time that dolphins wouldn't participate in language research with humans until the human researcher jerked them off.
To be fair, I held out for the same deal back when I was working as a test subject.
posted by AdamCSnider at 4:34 PM on February 13, 2016
To be fair, I held out for the same deal back when I was working as a test subject.
posted by AdamCSnider at 4:34 PM on February 13, 2016
No, but really, killer whales are the best.
I hate to break it to you, but orca are actually the largest species of, you guessed it, dolphin. At least they are honestly named as killer whales. Technically I think all dolphins are "killer whales". Taxonomy is weird.
I only learned this fact recently and it's making me question everything.
posted by Durhey at 1:06 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
I hate to break it to you, but orca are actually the largest species of, you guessed it, dolphin. At least they are honestly named as killer whales. Technically I think all dolphins are "killer whales". Taxonomy is weird.
I only learned this fact recently and it's making me question everything.
posted by Durhey at 1:06 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
According to Wikipedia: "[Dolphins] are an informal grouping within the order Cetacea, excluding whales and porpoises, so to zoologists the grouping is paraphyletic."
Which I think is phylogenist for "Fuck if we know, but I guess they're kinda similar?"
posted by tobascodagama at 7:29 PM on February 14, 2016
Which I think is phylogenist for "Fuck if we know, but I guess they're kinda similar?"
posted by tobascodagama at 7:29 PM on February 14, 2016
Idea for next BBC article:
Grizzly Bears -- You Thought They Were the Same as Teddy Bears. Think Again!
posted by mmoncur at 9:37 PM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Grizzly Bears -- You Thought They Were the Same as Teddy Bears. Think Again!
posted by mmoncur at 9:37 PM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
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