I’m going to call my sister & order sushi. You should do something, too.
February 14, 2016 11:33 AM   Subscribe

Valentine's Day Poems for Married People - by John Kenney (SLNewYorker)
I was almost feeling fondness for you
As you gave me a shoulder massage at the sink—
What a small, lovely surprise.
And then you grabbed my boobs and made a “wha-wha” noise.
In an instant, I felt disgust and sadness and regret.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome (23 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
 
Ah, you chose my favorite poem.
posted by samthemander at 11:55 AM on February 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


Really good. And the "was it a date" sketch video at the end was also a great laugh.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:58 AM on February 14, 2016


Your inability to decide
What you want for dinner
Is a sign of your deep unsolvable flaws
As a human being.
posted by The Whelk at 12:03 PM on February 14, 2016 [14 favorites]


Christ, how miserable is this John Kenney dude? Or is this one of those, "it's funny because I'm rich," New Yorker things?
posted by cmoj at 12:21 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


The single people and recently coupled are saying "I don’t get it" and the long attached people are laughing sad little laughs.
posted by bongo_x at 12:25 PM on February 14, 2016 [12 favorites]


Divorced after 20 years of marriage. I get it. Boy do I get it.

You said Let's do a couples date night. Leave the kids at home.
We did but all we talked about was the kids and the bills and the carpools and the commutes.
You said let's try therapy
We did but all we talked about was the kids and the bills and the carpools and the commutes.
You said let's try a family vacation.
We did but all we talked about was the kids and the bills and the carpools and the commutes

You said you still cared
You lied.
posted by AugustWest at 12:31 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


Take my pretense of being a literary magazine… please
posted by RogerB at 12:45 PM on February 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


Hello other grownup.

I went to church today. I did a marriage.

Mmm… I like marriage… uhhh… things?

Don’t be sad. Good Horsy.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:45 PM on February 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


What if we just cuddle, and by cuddle I mean not actually touching—
Each of us at the far edge of our own side of the bed—
Then close our eyes for the next seven hours or so?
I like you.


This is now the official lullaby of the Blast Hardcheese household.

We like sleep. And each other.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:48 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


This is wonderful and I laughed very much.
posted by kbanas at 12:53 PM on February 14, 2016


The single people and recently coupled are saying "I don’t get it" and the long attached people are laughing sad little laughs.

Been coupled for 11, married for 7 years. I don't get it. Communication seems like less work than resentment.
posted by explosion at 1:39 PM on February 14, 2016 [15 favorites]


Well, sometimes being married with kids is nice too. Sometimes.
posted by Artw at 1:40 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


this is depressing and you all should leave your bad relationships
posted by likeatoaster at 2:08 PM on February 14, 2016 [13 favorites]


Sing that verse, why don't you?

It's like he knows me.
posted by eclectist at 2:22 PM on February 14, 2016


this is depressing and you all should leave your bad relationships

Ehh, ridiculous expectations that everything will be sunshine and roses all the time probably kill more relationships than anything, TBH. Better to have eyes open that it's not going to be glamorous all of the time.
posted by Artw at 2:24 PM on February 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


The thing that depresses me about this type of humor is that it seems to depend on everyone agreeing that living with a long-term partner who you were at one time excited about and loving toward is actually worse than living with a good housemate. That's not just, "I laugh a sad little laugh when I realize that I am familiar with all your human-all-too-human flaws because we've been together for yonks".
posted by Frowner at 2:33 PM on February 14, 2016 [12 favorites]


What does it mean when you text this to your husband across the room and he starts laughing more than you've heard him laugh in weeks? Asking for a friend.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 2:55 PM on February 14, 2016 [13 favorites]


I got a "Aw. So romantic."
posted by Artw at 3:01 PM on February 14, 2016


I posted this poem early today on Facebook.

Facebook is broken
Can't tag wife in V-Day post
Screw you Zuckerberg.
posted by COD at 3:29 PM on February 14, 2016


it's nice to see an old-fashioned publication like the New Yorker carry on America's proud comedy? tradition of insisting that resentment is an inevitable result of marriage
posted by DoctorFedora at 3:57 PM on February 14, 2016 [9 favorites]


Hey, this is like that thing about the difference between John Updike and Jane Austen. One is pissed you're not still wearing sexy lingerie underneath your work clothes five years in, and the other one is like "great I wanted a partner to spend my life with even though we're both weird and boring at times." And John Kennedy is the first one!
posted by stoneandstar at 4:53 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


The difference between marriage

And housemates

Is that no one gives you huge tax credits

For being housemates.
posted by The Whelk at 8:58 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


this is depressing and you all should leave your bad relationships

Oh shush. Sometimes it's nice to moan without someone telling me to stop living with my best friend in all the world.
posted by low_horrible_immoral at 7:31 AM on February 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


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