"I thought of myself as an accomplished woman of lively contradictions,

February 14, 2016 3:45 PM

My Last JDate - "At 54, after 30 years of marriage and two of loneliness, I went on JDate to find a man and found Dean."

My Last JDate, Part II

I want there to be more to Dean’s story, before things start sliding downhill. There should be some spats, some indignation, some tender forgiveness; some stark reflection about making a second (or in Dean’s case, third) attempt at long-lived love, and perhaps a little bliss along the way. But at the time, in January of 2012, I wasn’t thinking that. I was too busy learning new words:
Revlimid
Velcade
Cyclosporine
Dexamethasone
Androgel
Cytoxan
Pomalidomide
Zometa
Vorinostat
Carfilzomib

My Last JDate, Part III

You hear about the last breath, but no one talks about the last shrug, the last fart, the last time you said, “I’ll teach you a lesson,” jumping naked onto the bed. The last time you came; the last time you nodded off on your lover’s chest. If you’re careless, you miss these things, and staring death in the face, hour by hour, for months, I was as careless as the rest of the living. It’s not the last Sunday in the world.

posted by the man of twists and turns (16 comments total)

Fuuuuck. My dad is still in remission from multiple myeloma after... a couple years now but when I saw those words I knew I didn't really want to read the rest of it but I just had to. Well I was gonna call him today anyway...
posted by atoxyl at 4:33 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

Nothing substantial to contribute, but damn, what a heartrending read. Thank you for posting.
posted by ftm at 5:05 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm not done with it, but god, what a writer! I see where it's going, and I don't really want to go there, but I won't stop reading.
posted by Huck500 at 5:51 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]

This was heartbreaking and so, so good. I'm sitting at the table crying, and I'm not sad that I read this. (My boyfriend was alarmed to come into the room to find me weeping over my laptop).

Thank you for posting it, I would not have found it otherwise.
posted by bibliogrrl at 5:56 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]

Don't judge the article by the title; an amazingly-written piece, deeply moving and superbly observed.

For Dean and all those with Deans

.
posted by lalochezia at 6:06 PM on February 14, 2016

The tears will not stop. That was so powerful.
posted by biggreenplant at 6:27 PM on February 14, 2016

I am an oncology nurse and about 60% of my patients have this disease.
I retired two months ago and have really been enjoying the break
I am not sure that I want to read this.
posted by SLC Mom at 7:09 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]

Ah, I knew how this would end as soon as she introduced him as a composer/curator of an instrument collection. Lots of people in my community have missed Dean Drummond in the last few years.
posted by daisystomper at 7:11 PM on February 14, 2016 [7 favorites]

That.. that was heavy. Thanks, I think. It kinda evoked all the feelings. Some that I don't know the word for.
posted by Capybara at 7:26 PM on February 14, 2016

I admire the fact that the author was honest about needing her space from her dying beau. Care for the caregiver is not something that is often talked about. Very powerful.
posted by Ruki at 8:03 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]

I saw my haematologist today, and it's official: 24 months cancer free. So I guess I'm a little vulnerable right now, but this beautiful piece tore me like tissue paper - my tears are still streaming and my nose is running. My wife is in the other room. By the time she comes in I'll be red-eyed but smiling, and she'll wonder why.

.
posted by Autumn Leaf at 10:50 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]

Just glimpsing that list of chemo drugs gave me a visceral recoil. Congratulations to everybody else in remission. Five and a half years "free" from Multiple Myeloma here. (I know I'm incredibly lucky, but can't help expecting, at each blood test, to hear it's back.)
I'll read the rest when I'm alone in the house, so my husband doesn't have to witness the weeping.
posted by Atelerix at 12:21 AM on February 15, 2016 [5 favorites]

Dean even got an NYT obit! He and Esther "Starry" Schor are both people I'm glad to have been made aware of.
posted by atoxyl at 3:58 PM on February 15, 2016

That was terribly heart-wrenching.
posted by zarq at 8:04 PM on February 15, 2016

Beautiful-thank you.
posted by purenitrous at 10:01 PM on February 16, 2016

Absolutely beautiful.
posted by ellieBOA at 4:08 AM on February 23, 2016