On the straightness of cucumbers...

February 15, 2016 8:20 AM

The History of the Cucumber. Or how to ferment a cucumber, badly.
posted by blue_beetle (14 comments total)

From the comments, a 1629 lament:

"The pickled Cowcumbers that come from beyond the Sea, are much used with us, for sawce to meate all the Winter long. Some have striven to equall them, by pickling up our Cowcumbers at the later end of the yeare, when they are cheapest, taking the little ones and scalding them thoroughly well, which after they put in brine, with some Dill or Fenell leaves and stalkes: but these are nothing comparable to the former, wee either missing of the right and orderly pickling of them, or the kinde it selfe differing much from ours (as I said of the Dantsicke kinde) for ours are neither so tender and firme, nor so savoury as the other."

(This is what you get for expelling all the Jews in 1290, England! No full-sours for you!)
posted by ostro at 8:43 AM on February 15, 2016 [7 favorites]

This so-called history includes nothing about cats. WTF??
posted by MtDewd at 9:01 AM on February 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

Fresh cucumbers and I do not get along. Even a single small slice will repeat on me for hours, reminding me how much I hate them. Pickles on the other hand, love them.
posted by Splunge at 9:04 AM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

"... it’s facing extinction because of cheap foreign imports undercutting British growers."

A pretty pickle indeed!

I really like that in 1629 they were called "Curcumus vulgaris, the ordinary Cowcumber." (I also hope, for the sake of those proud growers pictured at the end of the article, that some deviant doesn’t get it into his or her head to Photoshop guns in place of their giant cucumbers.)
posted by LeLiLo at 9:09 AM on February 15, 2016

I admire the author's restraint in writing an entire article about cucumbers without a single phallic joke.

If you like pickles and live anywhere near California, it's worth paying a premium for some Sonoma Brinery pickles. True fermented pickles, not vinegar pickles. Lovely half-sour flavor.
posted by Nelson at 9:46 AM on February 15, 2016 [3 favorites]

If you have only two stock photos of cucumbers, it is not necessary to repeat them, numerous times, throughout the article. The general public know what a cucumber looks like, and if we did not, a single picture (or even two; one showing the intact specimen, another showing that indeed this marvel can be thinly sliced) is sufficient-- chances are we will not have forgotten what the cucumber looks like between paragraphs.
posted by The otter lady at 11:35 AM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

chances are we will not have forgotten what the cucumber looks like between paragraphs

Some things are too important to be left to chance.
posted by Lyme Drop at 11:49 AM on February 15, 2016 [5 favorites]

I've forgotten what the cucumber looks like.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:33 PM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]

But sometimes you can find pickles when madeat their finest!
posted by Postroad at 12:52 PM on February 15, 2016

all this because an Englishman hated his queer cucumber.
posted by ennui.bz at 1:04 PM on February 15, 2016

Splunge: "Fresh cucumbers and I do not get along. Even a single small slice will repeat on me for hours, reminding me how much I hate them. Pickles on the other hand, love them."

I thought they had a cultivar that is supposed to avoid such issues.
posted by Samizdata at 1:28 PM on February 15, 2016

They're not kidding about the bitterness of the wild variety. I saw some wild ones by the side of the road in Northern Australia, and I very cautiously experimented with a tiny nibble of the flesh. I have never tastes anything so bitter (and I enjoy bitter foods, chow down on Chinese bitter melons, etc.). My whole mouth puckered and the taste was with me for nearly an hour. Apparently the local Aborigines call them "cheeky", which is the same word they use to describe a poisonous snake.
posted by Joe in Australia at 5:09 PM on February 15, 2016

Samizdata: "Splunge: "Fresh cucumbers and I do not get along. Even a single small slice will repeat on me for hours, reminding me how much I hate them. Pickles on the other hand, love them."

I thought they had a cultivar that is supposed to avoid such issues."

I have yet to meet this marvelous plant. Please, tell me more. In my youth I loved a cucumber salad. Thinly sliced cucumbers, vinegar, a touch of sugar. But as I got older the cukes showed their true nature.
posted by Splunge at 5:44 PM on February 16, 2016

Splunge, does it make a difference whether the cucumbers are vinegar-pickled or traditionally fermented dills?
posted by Joe in Australia at 7:52 PM on February 16, 2016