I think they will taste like yarn.
February 18, 2016 4:48 PM   Subscribe

 
This reads like a Jack Handey piece, which is high praise indeed.
posted by Atom Eyes at 4:57 PM on February 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


This was actually written by William Safire, who was Nixon's chief speechwriter in 1969, and Buck Henry, who was researching the White House for the next season of Get Smart.
posted by infinitewindow at 4:59 PM on February 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


If the date on this letter were 1974 instead of 1969, I would totally believe it was legit.
posted by briank at 5:04 PM on February 18, 2016




As I've always said, the three great American art forms are jazz, musical theater, and Clickhole-style person-sounding-like-a-repetitious-and-obsessed-yet-precocious-eight-year-old-with-a-flat-affect humor. (Cf. "I am Hamm.")
posted by ejs at 5:10 PM on February 18, 2016 [12 favorites]


I would like to hear someone who does a good Nixon impression read this speech aloud.
posted by rifflesby at 5:11 PM on February 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


CLASSIC Safire.
posted by edheil at 5:12 PM on February 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


The giveaway that this is fake is that the memo is written as coming from "William Safire". Safire signed his White House memos as "Bill Safire."

In case anyone is interested in non-Clickhole, here's the actual speech that Safire wrote in the event of a failure of the lunar mission.
posted by beagle at 5:27 PM on February 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


The giveaway that this is fake is that the memo is written as coming from "William Safire". Safire signed his White House memos as "Bill Safire."

Oh yeah, *that's* the giveaway. ;)
posted by sallybrown at 5:30 PM on February 18, 2016 [25 favorites]


And here's an article by William Satire
posted by iotic at 5:32 PM on February 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Oh yeah, *that's* the giveaway. ;)

Well, yeah, just in case "Buzz and his husbands" didn't tip you off.
posted by beagle at 5:34 PM on February 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


you guys should read George Saunders's Escape from Spiderhead which is like the first paragraph of that Clickhole but more consistent and also touching and a little sublime
posted by runt at 5:58 PM on February 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


Thank God Nixon never had to deliver that speech, and that Buzz Aldrin, Neil Armstrong, and the other guy were able to jettison the horse.
posted by Cookiebastard at 5:59 PM on February 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


Given how somewhat one-note Clickhole is with pieces like this, it's impressive how consistently they still make me laugh. Credit to a form.
posted by solarion at 6:27 PM on February 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


It turns out the one person at work I had any respect for does not believe in the moon landing. I wonder if this will convince him.
posted by maggiemaggie at 6:29 PM on February 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I don't know why I like this kind of stuff so much, but I do. I love it just like I love weird space rocks.
posted by A Bad Catholic at 6:32 PM on February 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Mankind is so happy now that we have the strange new rocks from the moon!
posted by JDHarper at 6:51 PM on February 18, 2016


The podcast "The Truth" did a piece called Moon Graffiti which was based on the alternative speech prepared for Nixon.
posted by bunderful at 7:04 PM on February 18, 2016


This is a bunch of bullshit and the rocks actually sucked. Fuck the moon. (jk moon I love you)
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:11 PM on February 18, 2016


Jeez, you people. How am I the only one who has figured it all out? The moon landing was faked, but that's only because NASA didn't want the world to know about the bee women on the moon. (How do you think Buzz got the nickname?)
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:29 PM on February 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


This version is superior to the real speech in just about every way I can imagine.

Certainly in the humor department anyhow.
posted by some loser at 8:08 PM on February 18, 2016


MetaFilter: the less that is said about Michael Collins, the better.
posted by Naberius at 8:14 PM on February 18, 2016


Metafilter: I think they will taste like yarn.
posted by 4ster at 8:29 PM on February 18, 2016




I can't think of William Safire without thinking of The Onion's William Safire Orders Two Whoppers Junior.
posted by teponaztli at 9:08 PM on February 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


Obligatory xkcd: xkcd.com/1484.
posted by Zpt2718 at 9:25 PM on February 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


look everyone outer space is a myth it's a total fraud don't fall for the big hoax.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 9:25 PM on February 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Outer space isn't the hoax - it's the "Moon" that is a ridiculous liberal myth.
posted by dragoon at 10:50 PM on February 18, 2016


I WANT TO BELIEVE!
posted by mazola at 10:56 PM on February 18, 2016


This comment was written for me to post if I ever find a Clickhole piece funny:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

It was never posted.
posted by crossoverman at 3:39 AM on February 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


Yeah, but nobody knows about the real Moon secret - the British missions. You think we just packed up our rockets and quietly walked away after Black Arrow? You think all that aristocratic wealth just got hoovered up by post-war taxes and put into the welfare state? You think Lord Lucan just 'disappeared' in 1974?

No. The British Interplanetary Society was just a front for a House of Lords-led secret committee to re-establish a feudal society on the Moon from which to enforce Imperial rule over the entire planet - motto, "We came in ermine for really a very small part of mankind". There's a REAL reason that all those royals join the RAF for 'flight training'. There's a REAL reason Richard Branson is scattering spare parts over Mojave. Tim Peake is just up there fixing the comms to Moonbase Castle in preparation for the forthcoming 'death' of QE II. You think all that Silicon Valley new aristocracy with a space fixation is just COINCIDENCE? They know where preferment will lie in the world order to come.

The signs are everywhere.

We gave Empire away once, and look what happened.

And I for one welcome our old overlords.


.
posted by Devonian at 9:41 AM on February 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


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