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February 21, 2016 3:24 PM   Subscribe

 
they're more human than humans
I want to see this version of Blade Runner immediately
posted by Merzbau at 3:37 PM on February 21, 2016 [11 favorites]


"It's irrelevant how exactly the pants got in there, it's more that the pants got in there in the first place," said Colleen Baird, the zoo's general curator.

This is an otter tragedy (sorry) but I can't help but point out that those words are applicable in so many contexts.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:42 PM on February 21, 2016 [3 favorites]




they're more human than humans

They can never sit still long enough to pass their Voight-Kampff test.
posted by lagomorphius at 3:44 PM on February 21, 2016


"It's irrelevant how exactly the pants got in there, it's more that the pants got in there in the first place," said Colleen Baird, the zoo's general curator.

This statement might cause some confusion for a UK audience. Thank goodness fanny packs weren't involved.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:48 PM on February 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


They can never sit still long enough to pass their Voight-Kampff test.

They're cute as fuck, but when an otter finds a tortoise laying on its back ...
posted by sebastienbailard at 3:52 PM on February 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


they're more human than humans
I need to clarify: "...to news editors looking for 'human interest' stories."
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:56 PM on February 21, 2016


I want to see this version of Blade Runner immediately

Zhora the otter dancer, her otter is a replicant, Deckard gets the make from a tuft of fur, Zhora runs, but it turns out SHE'S AN OTTER REPLICANT TOO and she strips outen the pink suit, which is riddled - RIDDLED - with Deckard's special-order bullets.

Turns out she gives him the slip, later spotted floating on her back, holding hands with Roy Otty, as they use river stones to crack oyster shells. But they die anyway in a spring rain as they make for Canada and the otter-replicant death grounds, somewhere between Humboldt County and Crater Lake.

Meantime Deckard is starting to think Rachel and her slinky mink bidniss is, what, marine-mammalian or some shizz and begins to worry that what he ought to do is distinct from the otter he wanna do.

Over to The Whelk or Artw... gents?
posted by mwhybark at 3:57 PM on February 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


They're cute as fuck, but when an otter finds a tortoise laying on its back ...

"Why aren't you helping, Leon?"

"Because I'm looking for a rock to crack its shell with. Look - we've been at this interview for an hour and I'd like some kind of acknowledgement that I've mastered the use of tools, crude though they may be."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:57 PM on February 21, 2016 [14 favorites]


I sort of assume if humans fail, then I think otters are mammal the most likely to evolve civilization next. Maybe raccoons, but I'm guessing otters.
posted by rmd1023 at 4:01 PM on February 21, 2016


I'm trying to figure out if I need an 'Unauthorized Trousers' sockpuppet more than I need five bucks.

I suggested it to my wife, but she would rather be 'kindtootters'.
posted by sebastienbailard at 4:03 PM on February 21, 2016


It's probably more accurate to describe otters as "more human than human" in the sense that otter behaviour is like something out of a Rob Zombie movie.

(Seriously. Otters are terrible.)
posted by Sys Rq at 5:01 PM on February 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


The staffer who left the trousers wasn't authorized to leave the trousers as an enrichment activity.

I hope he's been fired. How is the zoo not more careful about these kinds of things?

I know it was an accident, but it galls me that people in some roles aren't careful enough with kids and animals, and just thoughtlessly do stuff with an "it'll be okay" attitude. I once volunteered at a school with kids with cognitive challenges, and this new student teacher intern college bro was visiting/shadowing and just fed a random kid his peanut butter sandwich like he was sharing a sandwich with a dog. I was the same age as the bro and told him he shouldn't just feed the kid. The kid could have very well been allergic to peanuts.
posted by discopolo at 5:06 PM on February 21, 2016


Holden: You're in a river, swimming along in the water when...

Leon: Is this the test now?

Holden: Yes. You're in a river, swimming along in the water when all of a sudden you look down and see a...

Leon: What one?

Holden: What?

Leon: What river?

Holden: Doesn't make any difference what river... its completely hypothetical.

Leon: But how come I'd be there?

Holden: Maybe you're fed up, maybe you want to be by yourself...who knows. So you look down and see a tortoise. It's swimming toward you...

Leon: A tortoise. What's that?

Holden: Know what a turtle is?

Leon: Of course.

Holden: Same thing.

Leon: I never seen a turtle. But I understand what you mean.

Holden: You reach out and grab the tortoise, rolling over onto your back and lay it on your tummy, Leon.

Leon: You make up these questions, Mr. Holden, or do they write 'em down for you?

Holden: The tortoise is on your tummy, you begin hitting it with a rock, pounding it with the rock like it's an oyster. But it isn't an oyster. But you keep hitting it. Why is that, Leon?

Leon: I'm otterly at a loss for an answer for that. [pulls out a rock and throws it at Holden, hitting him directly in the forehead]
posted by snwod at 5:12 PM on February 21, 2016 [14 favorites]


Otters are not so cute at feeding time.
posted by srboisvert at 5:45 PM on February 21, 2016


There is no such thing as watching just one otter video. It's like they multiply. You think you'll just watch the one that's in the post, but no, there's another one lined up right behind. It just goes on and on. The cuteness is so overwhelming that soon it is no longer fun, but you keep slogging on telling yourself that this, this is the last one I will watch. But it is not. If you are lucky somehow a baby goat video will end up in the mix and will break the spell.
posted by Belle O'Cosity at 7:00 PM on February 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


There is no such thing as watching just one otter video. It's like they multiply.

Yes, there's always an otter one.
posted by Joe in Australia at 8:16 PM on February 21, 2016 [7 favorites]


Otter version:

"You've really got some nice toys here."

Rest of Bladerunner is Roy and Pris playing with all the nice toys in Sebastian's apartment.
posted by lagomorphius at 8:35 PM on February 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Yes, there's always an otter one.

Truer words were never ottered.
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:17 PM on February 21, 2016


your second link was the best moment of my evening, many thanks!
posted by anadem at 9:41 PM on February 21, 2016


Those Newport folks need to keep rolling with this.
Maybe there should be a safety slogan:
Ollie the Otter says, Keep your trousers safe for otters. And don't put ferrets down your pants.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:12 AM on February 22, 2016


The first article ruined my day when I read it. Also: it's further proof that pants are no good.
posted by Otter_Handler at 8:16 AM on February 22, 2016


My Tivo knows me so well that it has put an Otter channel up on my suggestions. Yes, when I turn on the TV, I am confronted with an adorable fuzzy face that wants to lead me down a spiral of otter documentaries and Youtube clips. Damn you, mechanical monster!
posted by tavella at 8:45 AM on February 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


In 2009, a gorilla was photographed wielding a knife which a keeper had inadvertently left in its enclosure, an incident the zoo described as "overblown" because gorillas don't understand the concept of using tools as weapons.

Paging ChuraChura. Is this true?
posted by maryr at 9:36 AM on February 22, 2016


Gorillas are less frequent tool users than other primates, and wouldn't need to use them as weapons in their normal life, given they are vegetarians. And their teeth and strength would see off pretty much any predator in their environs. But if they saw it demonstrated and then had a need, I bet they could figure it out pretty quick.
posted by tavella at 9:56 AM on February 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


Where there's unorthodox trousers, a penguin is probably behind it.
posted by MtDewd at 11:57 AM on February 22, 2016


Well, a toddler might not understand the concept of stabbing someone to death, but their safety would nonetheless be in jeopardy if they started waving a knife around.

The Calgary zoo said the situation is overblown because the situation makes the Calgary zoo look completely fucking terrible, like no one should ever visit there again, like their license should be revoked and the whole operation shut down.

But, no, it's not like that at all. Relax, it's just a gorilla with a knife. Ain't nothing wrong with that!
posted by Sys Rq at 12:10 PM on February 22, 2016


Testing, testing.
posted by Splunge at 1:54 PM on February 22, 2016


The Calgary zoo said the situation is overblown because the situation makes the Calgary zoo look completely fucking terrible, like no one should ever visit there again, like their license should be revoked and the whole operation shut down.

They also said that cameras, sunglasses, etc that are dropped into the enclosure by visitors are picked up by the gorillas. They will exhange them with zoo staff for food.

So they've set up their own barter economy.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:58 PM on February 22, 2016 [4 favorites]


DISRUPT GORILLAS. BE YOUR OWN BANANAS. LIVE THE DREAM.
posted by maryr at 3:10 PM on February 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


Reminds me of the Uluwatu temple monkeys.
posted by tavella at 3:17 PM on February 23, 2016


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