Oh my goodness! Jolly bad show old boy!

February 27, 2016 12:55 PM

A 12-minute compilation of British drivers swearing. NSFW. SLYT.
posted by jontyjago (86 comments total)

Nice Facking vidyo!
posted by Liquidwolf at 1:06 PM on February 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

Hmm. So I have now learned that bad drivers (and the startled people who yell at them) are essentially the same both here and in the UK, but this one is uniquely terrifying...and pretty much exactly what I was afraid of the first time I was on that type of road in England.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:17 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

this should be the national anthem
posted by Foci for Analysis at 1:18 PM on February 27, 2016 [11 favorites]

Knob End meets Bell End. Vehicular hilarity ensues.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 1:21 PM on February 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

i like to imagine that we're seeing the same, most unluckiest, driver
posted by Foci for Analysis at 1:22 PM on February 27, 2016 [14 favorites]

You absolute idiot!
posted by octothorpe at 1:23 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

Fucking indicate!
posted by dersins at 1:24 PM on February 27, 2016 [15 favorites]

The lovely duet of:

Fuck my arse
Shittin' hell
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 1:26 PM on February 27, 2016 [6 favorites]

The driver of that little blue car was obviously trolling...
posted by Chuffy at 1:28 PM on February 27, 2016 [5 favorites]

I'm slightly sad that I'll probably never have cause to yell SHITTING PEUGEOT.
posted by CKmtl at 1:29 PM on February 27, 2016 [7 favorites]

You wot m8 ?
posted by devious truculent and unreliable at 1:30 PM on February 27, 2016

I'm choosing to believe that "Fucking wanker" is surprise-ese for "Oh my goodness, that was truly stupid and I'm glad neither of us got hurt." All the same: Fucking indicate!
posted by MonkeyToes at 1:31 PM on February 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

REALITY SHOW IDEA:

We put Mikey Bergin and Jay Foster (Fostah?) in a series of camera-ficated cars in major cities all around the world. OH MY FUCKIN' GOD JAY THAT FUCKAH JUST CUT YOU OFF! HOLY SHIT WHAT WAS THAT FUCKAH WEARIN'?!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:32 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

Those two-lane two-way roads with passing are pretty terrifying. I don't see them that often these days in the US as I used to and I don't miss them.
posted by octothorpe at 1:35 PM on February 27, 2016

British traffic is pretty darn terrifucking
posted by Namlit at 1:39 PM on February 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

Ah, the sounds of my childhood.
posted by madajb at 1:41 PM on February 27, 2016 [8 favorites]

Fucking hell, that was some terrifying dickheaddery, For the record 'Absolute Idiot' or 'Jesus wept' don't count as swearing so there is a bit of a trade description issue there. I am 50% convinced that the swearer at 1.56 is a mate of mine.

It does make a case that not all cyclists who get hit should count as casualties, some should be marked down as surplus to species requirements.
posted by biffa at 1:42 PM on February 27, 2016 [4 favorites]

How did the creator get these clips? I get that it's dashcam footage, but other dashcam video compilations are different...they show the sort of incident that a driver who survived would be eager to share with the world. Most of these are pretty everyday occurrences.

Do that many people pull video of minor traffic annoyances off their dashcams and post them on YouTube? This is a 13-minute video with dozens of clips. How would you even find them, a search for "fucking wanker doesn't indicate"?
posted by Ian A.T. at 1:43 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

glad to know 'FUCK' holds its place of honor across the pond as much as it does here in the colonies!!
posted by supermedusa at 1:45 PM on February 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

oh man i love a good "jesus wept"
posted by angrycat at 1:45 PM on February 27, 2016 [9 favorites]

i like to imagine that we're seeing the same, most unluckiest, driver

All he wants to do is get to Richmond Park so he can have a relaxing day with his dog Fenton...
posted by Ian A.T. at 1:47 PM on February 27, 2016 [21 favorites]

About half of these seem to be true assholery on the part of the other driver, and half are incidents that could be avoided if the camera driver wasn't wasn't set on establishing road dominance.

Especially on the clips that are in heavy traffic, is it really worth your insurance premium to stop that car getting ahead of you?
posted by madajb at 1:50 PM on February 27, 2016 [9 favorites]

I once yelled before even thinking "if it weren't about me, I'd say you deserve hitting me" when a car almost hit me on a crossover. Some people almost peed themselves laughing.
posted by Namlit at 1:50 PM on February 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

My neighbor upstairs is playing bass really loudly, and then I saw this thread and you have no idea how cathartic it is. "Fucking wanker! You... fucking wanker!"
posted by teponaztli at 1:54 PM on February 27, 2016

what I enjoy (and what makes this real british) is the split second after swearing where you can hear the swearer evaluate if their outburst is justified. 'Fucking*... shitting bastard!'

*is this out of order? naaaah
posted by litleozy at 1:54 PM on February 27, 2016 [3 favorites]

There were a few where SO and I thought they deserved a decent smack into the side of their car. Obviously that would be pretty bad in reality.

I say that while sitting on my couch nursing a back injury having had some prick aquaplane into the coach I was on three weeks ago who thought it was a good idea to do 70 on the M5 in appalling weather at night.
posted by biffa at 1:57 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

So much for the theory the English don't know how to use the word "fuck".

Also somewhat surprised at the majority pronunciation of "twat".
posted by oheso at 1:59 PM on February 27, 2016

What really makes it for me is how cheerful the music on the radio is in some of these. "You stupid fuck!" *light adult contemporary*
posted by teponaztli at 2:06 PM on February 27, 2016 [16 favorites]

I had to stop about 4 minutes in because it was giving me flashbacks. I spend so much of my daily morning commute going "For fuck's SAKE...you fucking ASSHOLE...what the FUCK are you DOING..." that I'm surprised I haven't had a stroke yet. Other fucking drivers...
posted by billiebee at 2:12 PM on February 27, 2016 [5 favorites]

I'm particularly amused by the repeated sounds of beer cans being opened after a driver vents his spleen.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 2:18 PM on February 27, 2016

I like how so many of these are people pulling out of the slow lane to the fast lane in front of the driver, and then at 6:40 you get the same thing from the other driver's perspective. Everybody gets to be a fucking twat!
posted by ctmf at 2:20 PM on February 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

The one just after that where the car gets spun off, through the slow lane, by the coach up its arse, is pretty terrifying though.
posted by biffa at 2:28 PM on February 27, 2016 [4 favorites]

Yeah, what madajb said. Most of these are entirely predictable to this commuter, and hardly rate a "sigh... people, man" anymore. I admit to the occasional "what the fuck are you doing?" outburst when someone's obstructively indecisive, though.
posted by ctmf at 2:30 PM on February 27, 2016

teponaztli: What really makes it for me is how cheerful the music on the radio is in some of these. "You stupid fuck!" *light adult contemporary*

Heh, yeah. There's one particularly incongruous one with a harrowing near-accident followed by what I could swear is the faint twang of a country & western song.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 2:42 PM on February 27, 2016

Couldn't watch that without a sharp intake of breath and/or yelling JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU IDIOT at the screen at fairly regular intervals.

I mean.. ..is there anybody who doesn't swear like that when they've narrowly avoided colliding with a ton of metal at high speed?
posted by doop at 2:50 PM on February 27, 2016

The swearing is great, but the driving looks just as bad as the last time I drove in the UK. The roads are all the size of bikepaths, and good lord people take every inch of space seriously.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:53 PM on February 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

No wonder. Literally everybody is driving on the wrong side of the road.
posted by monospace at 2:57 PM on February 27, 2016 [20 favorites]

They should use this instead of the normal hazard perception videos on the theory test.
posted by metaBugs at 3:02 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

find this a bit depressing tbh. i love a good swear but the relentlessness of the video is just a bit much for me.
posted by iboxifoo at 3:04 PM on February 27, 2016

Also, I like how in this one you can infer the progress from "haha, not now, mate" through "I am a little irritated by your driving" and finally to "you are utterly beneath contempt and the only reason you got away with that is because nobody else would stoop to your level of idiocy", entirely through the tone and manner of swearing.
posted by doop at 3:08 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

This entire video is basically my running commentary while cycling to work in the morning.


You can always tell when I'm approaching by the stream of profanity which precedes me.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 3:18 PM on February 27, 2016 [4 favorites]

Also, what's the noise in several of the clips that sounds like the driver is opening a tin of beer mid-curse?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 3:19 PM on February 27, 2016

Also, what's the noise in several of the clips that sounds like the driver is opening a tin of beer mid-curse?

That's the British wet "t"
posted by Namlit at 3:41 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

Is it sad that I recognised half a dozen of the locations? 0:51 is London Road in Nottingham.

Visitors to the UK should note that white van drivers can be expected to do any of a dozen stupid things at any time. Audi and BMW drivers are not far behind (often literally).
posted by pipeski at 3:41 PM on February 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

Visitors to the UK should note that white van drivers can be expected to do any of a dozen stupid things at any time. Audi and BMW drivers are not far behind (often literally).


These are principles nearly as universal as gravity.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 3:46 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

Was hoping for a you fucking willie wankah!
posted by juiceCake at 4:23 PM on February 27, 2016

British traffic is pretty darn terrifucking

And these are the good drivers.
posted by dng at 4:28 PM on February 27, 2016

I was a bit disappointed not to hear as many northern accents represented.

Plenty of "fucks" and "fahks," and even a couple of Irish "feks," but I don't think I heard a good Geordie or Mackem "fook."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:30 PM on February 27, 2016

What I love about the British accent is how sophisticated it sounds.
posted by 4ster at 4:34 PM on February 27, 2016 [7 favorites]

It does make a case that not all cyclists who get hit should count as casualties, some should be marked down as surplus to species requirements.

Yeah, because none of the cars pulled out without looking or ran stop signs.
posted by Celsius1414 at 4:47 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

somewhat surprised at the majority pronunciation of "twat".

the British pronunciation rhymes with "hat", always has...see: Grand Theft Auto games with internet cafes with signs outside that say "TW@"; see also 17th c. satire called "Vanity of Vanities": "They talk'd of his having a Cardinall's Hat/ They'd send him as soon an Old Nun's Twat"...which Robert Browning apparently read, and...misinterpreted "twat" as being something like a wimple.
posted by Pseudonymous Cognomen at 4:51 PM on February 27, 2016 [6 favorites]

Seems to be a lot of swearing near Aldis.
posted by infinitewindow at 4:58 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

> How did the creator get these clips?

Taken from the "Exposed: UK Bad Drivers" youtube channel, according to the compiler. There are a bunch of similar videos linked in that thread if you want more, including this sterling example from Richard Hammond.
posted by lucidium at 5:01 PM on February 27, 2016 [4 favorites]

Seems to be a lot of swearing near Aldis.

Probably because they're usually situated near roundabouts or junctions.
posted by Pseudonymous Cognomen at 5:02 PM on February 27, 2016

Fock en hell! New favorite swear. Also, Nob. Fockin nobs on the road today. Bloody hell.
posted by soakimbo at 5:06 PM on February 27, 2016

Is the one at 1:30 actually supposed to be a two way road? Or a road at all? Even the one lane mountain roads in the blue ridge are wider than that.
posted by bracems at 5:42 PM on February 27, 2016

How were you expecting us to pronounce twat?
posted by Helga-woo at 5:59 PM on February 27, 2016

We Yanks rhyme it with "James Watt"
posted by Cookiebastard at 6:04 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

Bracems, it's a single lane road, and there will be passing places every so often. Ordinarily, if they had met at a reasonable speed, someone would have had to reverse to the nearest passing point.
posted by Helga-woo at 6:07 PM on February 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

Yeah. It seems most of the rural roads in Scotland are like that (though, thankfully, without view-obstructing hedges all along them) and I don't understand why. It's certainly not for lack of space. Does Britain just have a hard time sourcing asphalt, or are the road workers too busy painting all the crazy lines, or what?
posted by Sys Rq at 6:48 PM on February 27, 2016

My guess is that it's because they're often old, and sometimes ancient, roads, and there must be an issue of property ownership and logistics. Unless those hedgerows are publicly maintained, they must be the boundaries of private property, and in order to expand the roads the government would have to intrude on those properties in some direction. I don't know how eminent domain works in the UK, but I can imagine there would be a legal nightmare.

All of this is just my guess, though. A cursory Google search isn't coming up with too much, and I don't know enough about transportation and law in the UK to be able to narrow it down.
posted by teponaztli at 6:56 PM on February 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

They could have called this video "A Nice Sunday Drive with Noel Gallagher."
posted by 4ster at 7:00 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

I hadn't thought about it before, but I think "Fucking REALLY?" is one that I use pretty often.
posted by maryr at 7:39 PM on February 27, 2016 [7 favorites]

I am an absolute addict of dashcam videos, though the side effect of this self-imposed Ludovico Treatment is that I've made a permanent antibucket list category from this covering (A) places I'd never want to go if there's any chance I will at some point go anywhere near a road, (B) languages I would not like to hear when I'm naked, particularly the cussing and griping in Slavic countries, which sounds like air being squeakily let out of a balloon full of beet-scented flatulence, and (C) to stay clear of any place where badly-made derivatives of mid-sixties Fiat sedans were still being produced and sold in this century.

When it comes to the UK, though, I love POV cameras on motorcyclists, because there's a kind of sensible motorcycle utility rider all over Britain that we don't have in the US because of our infestation with Milwaukee's tragic atavism and the monstrous masculine insecurity those things are built to assuage, and the narration on those tends towards a glorious combination of Britswearing and wry irritation. It's a feckin' delight.
posted by sonascope at 7:55 PM on February 27, 2016 [3 favorites]

I notice a lack of Christian based cursing. I'm not sure I heard too many goddamnits and no Jesus H. Christs shouted out.
posted by octothorpe at 8:12 PM on February 27, 2016

Aw hey 5:41 is listening to Heroes.
posted by Lou Stuells at 8:21 PM on February 27, 2016

>So much for the theory the English don't know how to use the word "fuck".

You've ... never actually met any British people, have you?
posted by kcds at 8:31 PM on February 27, 2016 [12 favorites]

I came here to say the same thing as maryr.

Fucking REALLY?
posted by Songdog at 8:41 PM on February 27, 2016 [2 favorites]

Despite what you might think, Britain has the lowest traffic fatality rate of all the 34 OECD countries. I still find it scary to drive though.

On one hand, the British driving test is incredibly hard by international standards, and the standard of driving is pretty good: people do things like signal before changing lanes and moving out. On the other hand, the roads are crowded and fast: when the M25 is actually moving the cars are so close together it feels like a 70mph+ river of metal...
posted by TheophileEscargot at 9:22 PM on February 27, 2016 [4 favorites]

I'd just like to point out that the fellow at 2:14 doesn't technically swear. Bit of a buzzkill, that.
posted by vverse23 at 9:39 PM on February 27, 2016

none of these people should move to Boston. Though "fahcking indicate!" is my new go-to outburst.
posted by Miko at 10:31 PM on February 27, 2016 [1 favorite]

My guess is that it's because they're often old, and sometimes ancient, roads, and there must be an issue of property ownership and logistics. Unless those hedgerows are publicly maintained, they must be the boundaries of private property, and in order to expand the roads the government would have to intrude on those properties in some direction. I don't know how eminent domain works in the UK, but I can imagine there would be a legal nightmare.

Wider roads would mean people just drive faster and cause more accidents.

The fuckwit careering round a blind corner in a country lane is the bellest of bellends and thankfully quite rare. You're supposed to drive cautiously, like an interpersonal MAD scenario.
posted by fullerine at 10:51 PM on February 27, 2016 [3 favorites]

but I don't think I heard a good Geordie or Mackem "fook."

The "ya fuckuh" at 5:32 is definitely from round that way. More than a couple of Mancs and Yorkshires in there too.
posted by jontyjago at 12:14 AM on February 28, 2016

It would appear that motorbikes the world over are at least partially "FUCK" powered.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:35 AM on February 28, 2016

This Yank's palms are slick as he remembers the punishingly wet pavement; the narrow, hedgerow-lined, shoulderless roads; the sudden, confusing, indecipherable roundabouts; the rush-hour-traffic-filled highways; and soupy, misty weather with limited visibility that characterize driving conditions in the British Isles.

To the mix, add one-lane (or 0.5 lane) rural streets with two-way traffic barreling in both directions, and you've got driving conditions in Ireland.

(Plus, of course, breathtaking pastoral landscapes and pubs.)
posted by Gordion Knott at 3:23 AM on February 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Single track roads like that are old, there's centuries of road use, field cearing, ploughing and hedgerows going on to create those banks on either side. Sometimes millennia... The main routes will have been widened and straightened.

Just don't be a bellend.
posted by Helga-woo at 3:43 AM on February 28, 2016

It would appear that motorbikes the world over are at least partially "FUCK" powered.

In my experience as a cranky motorcyclist with a helmet full of ongoing narrative, this is largely because virtually all automobile drivers, statistically speaking when adjusted for error, surrender their senses at the vaultlike doors to their rolling isolation chambers, so we end up riding in a state of constant vulgar bemusement that people who think themselves capable of hurling three thousand pounds of metal around a road at speed can't seem to see a six-foot tall object that's sharing the road with them. Mind you, America is a place where most of the motorcyclists are also assholes, riding summer-only accent pieces either in flotillas for the chrome and leather set or screeching around in rocket Tupperware, so the dork rider who rides a motorcycle for fuel efficiency, parking efficiency, and the zen of being a person in the entirety of the outside world necessarily becomes author to an often amusing externalized interior monologue of sheer disbelief and aggravation.

"Really, Mr. Smokytruck? I hope your family falls victim to a February Christmas tree fire!"

"Thanks so much, Progressive Bumper Sticker Car Lady, for sharing your utter disdain for driving with the rest of us through conscious neglect of basic driving convention! Lane markings are the product of Monsanto and Big Oil!"

"Very good, Luxury Jesus Fish Guy. Way to live up to those high standards of humility and kindness!"

It's excellent as an exercise for training to combat your l'esprit de l'escalier, and keeps you feeling jovial and patient rather than getting all road-ragey and cross.

Of course, the country that produced a motorcycle awareness ad as engaging as this one generates an abundance of POV camera narratives that simultaneously stroke one's Wodehouse with the genteel wit of a serious discussion between Mrs. Butcher and Mrs. Mitchell.
posted by sonascope at 5:10 AM on February 28, 2016 [5 favorites]

I have my own collection of these, though thankfully not many.

The terror of riding home in January

Arsehole taxi driver

My own viral sensation, getting slapped in the face by a pedestrian for no apparent reason

(Warning: unrestrained bad language)
posted by Acey at 8:15 AM on February 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

Seriously, watching this is traumatising, and I keep having to take breathers. But as a biker you have to be able to predict this stuff, so it becomes a game of guessing what is coming. So far I'm seeing:

(a) people not checking their blindspots, which you can work around by staying out of and keeping yourself visible
(b) people not checking for other traffic at all, or making blindingly stupid judgement calls, which is hard to anticipate but frequently comes with early warning red flags
(c) people driving too close, too fast, which again can be countered by slowing down and keeping your distance

Some accidents are completely unpredictable, but so many you can see coming when you know what to look for. I ride the same route to and from work each day, and it's amazing how you get to know the places where people are prone to pull out on you. The design of the roads also has a huge impact, there are junctions I avoid because there's nearly always a near miss.

I highly recommend the videos from RoadCraftNottingham if you "enjoy" studying this stuff from a personal safety point of view.
posted by Acey at 8:37 AM on February 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

This is sort of the opposite of the "I need to swear less" AskMes.
posted by Beti at 9:01 AM on February 28, 2016

Well that was incredibly scary
posted by Faintdreams at 9:01 AM on February 28, 2016

I need to get a camera, though it'll mainly capture me singing and occasionally making gospel hands when belting out Janelle Monae at the traffic lights, because there really are just myriad learning experiences on any ride, many of which are worth sharing.

I'm in youtube motorcycling mode while my F650 is in a thousand pieces in my workshop in the annoyingly drawn-out process of my replacing the carburetors (yes, two on a one-cylinder bike, thank you Aprilia, BMW, and Rotax), which means I'm watching motorcycles crash and crash and crash and crash because I like to have a full picture of the process of risk management to hone my ability to skirt the proper line between action and action-without-action that's key in well-managed motorcycling. Much of what's online revolves around the insane liter bikes that are considered reasonable starter bikes and the lumbering chrome parade floats that constitute the bulk of bikes on American roads and isn't applicable to my nerdriding technique, which is why I end up watching a lot of POV video from the UK, NZ, Australia, and other places where people seem to understand that a 300-600cc lightweight bike set up is perfectly reasonable for road conditions in the real universe. Plus, riders of that ilk don't seem to ride without at least minimal gear, which is something that always sets me out as an American weirdo when I'm pootling around on my LML Star in mismatched, but complete, gear.

I keep holding out hope that we'll eventually build up a subculture of sensible bikes and riders on this continent, where the BMW and ADVrider contingents seem to be the lone bastion of not-trying-so-hard-to-impress riding.
posted by sonascope at 9:10 AM on February 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

I've tried to cut down on my in-car road raging, because I've found that extended tirades ramp up rather than release aggression. But it's hard not to say a lot of REALLY??!?!? and SERIOUSLY?!?!?! at the behavior of some drivers.

It's especially hard on the bicycle because the risk of my death is so much greater, which can be somewhat awkward when I forget that pedestrians and others around me can hear my outbursts and mumblings.
posted by misskaz at 1:01 PM on February 28, 2016

I have been saying "AHN-FAHK-ing-Be-LEE-va-BOOL" in my head all day now. Oh, England, you're cute when you're angry.

And that near-head-on on the country road, complete with plastic car parts flying around the windshield-- Jesus wept!
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 3:27 PM on February 28, 2016

Somebody, perhaps China Mieville, could perhaps write a chilling short story about the terrifying white vans, which unbeknownst to humankind have achieved sentience and now seek to revenge themselves for years of poor maintenance.
posted by thomas j wise at 4:34 PM on February 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

...ah, another one--'t is what you get with a multi-lingual family. So

My Dutch kids, then around ten, were sitting in my car while I drove them through Swedish traffic to some kid-thing (I think it was Ballet for my daughter, actually. How froufrou can you get).

A car in front of me does something slow and dumb, and I hear myself saying, in German, "nun mach' schon zu, Du Arschkeks!" (get going already, you arse cookie). It sure caught my kids by surprise. They giggled all our 40 minutes to Göteborg...
posted by Namlit at 9:09 AM on February 29, 2016