Body armor for fur babies
March 7, 2016 10:25 AM   Subscribe

Do you walk your dog in areas where there are coyotes or hawks? Are you worried about taking your small dog to the dog park or the beach, where there are so many incidents of larger dogs injuring or killing smaller dogs? Do you own a larger dog that won't stop picking on your smaller dog? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then your small dog needs CoyoteVest™ body armor.
posted by gottabefunky (57 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
After extensive testing and numerous prototypes we have an answer to this threat that all small dogs face.

The first 37 prototype trials didn't work out so well, if you know what I mean.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 10:28 AM on March 7, 2016 [28 favorites]


When our chihuahua mix was a puppy, she got swooped by an owl in our back yard and a red-tailed hawk camped out in a tree in our yard for several weeks, but after the owl incident, we didn't let her out without human and/or mature dog accompaniment, so the hawk never acted. I guess we could have used this.
posted by tippiedog at 10:30 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'd almost be tempted. The two big dogs can take care of themselves but the little dog is little. We walk daily in a small forest with hawks, coyotes, and the occasional angry rabbit or possum. But maybe she'd be protected by the presence of the big dogs, who have had a couple of encounters with coyotes where nothing but silliness resulted.
posted by honestcoyote at 10:33 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


Seems like the spikes on the vest would be a big problem in the dog park - definitely not a great idea if your dog likes to wrestle with other dogs.
posted by lunasol at 10:36 AM on March 7, 2016


Think I'll just stick with our dog-sized rocket-powered roller skates.
posted by Flashman at 10:39 AM on March 7, 2016 [3 favorites]


Why not go the full We3 route and build powered chihuahua armor?
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:41 AM on March 7, 2016 [11 favorites]


Added bonus: the spikes prevent pigeons from landing on your Bichon and doing their dirty business.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:42 AM on March 7, 2016 [4 favorites]


Oh for fuck's sake, just look at that shit. The poor dog looks like the bad guy from a mid-80s post apocalyptic, direct to VHS crapfest called Warriors of the Lost Wasteland or something.

How about something with a little class instead?
posted by Naberius at 10:46 AM on March 7, 2016 [17 favorites]


That looks perfect for preventing pigeons from roosting on my dog's back!
posted by cosmic.osmo at 10:48 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


i love it.
posted by suelac at 10:49 AM on March 7, 2016


This is America, stop denying our most vulnerable citizens the right to arm themselves.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 10:51 AM on March 7, 2016 [6 favorites]


Why not a full suit of power armor?
posted by Nelson at 10:51 AM on March 7, 2016 [7 favorites]


Why not go the full We3 route and build powered chihuahua armor?

Because that worked out great for the dog!
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 10:52 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


Owners who actually care about their small dog will spring for the Patriot missile system. What are you, some kind of casual?
posted by Rhomboid at 10:55 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


This defensive strategy seems far too passive. Tiny dogs need strong offense, not just some silly spikes. Maybe they could learn something from that crab with a knife.
posted by cubby at 11:00 AM on March 7, 2016 [9 favorites]


For that price I might as well get Gizmo a porcupine bodyguard.
posted by Splunge at 11:01 AM on March 7, 2016


Because that worked out great for the dog!

It did.

Maybe don't get the rabbit armor.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:05 AM on March 7, 2016 [3 favorites]


Wait wait, are those neon spikes to prevent birds from nesting on the back of your back?

Also... obligatory.
posted by Nanukthedog at 11:10 AM on March 7, 2016


Why not go the full We3 route and build powered chihuahua armor?

Because that worked out great for the dog!

Also, it occurs to me that you probably wouldn't want to give a chihuahua, with its small-dog excitability and golf-ball sized brain, access to powerful armaments.
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:14 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]


I thought the standard armor for a small dog was an $800 purse.
posted by srboisvert at 11:16 AM on March 7, 2016 [11 favorites]


Here are some other options for larger dogs.
posted by Nanukthedog at 11:16 AM on March 7, 2016 [5 favorites]


Why oh why is there no solid black leather/chrome spikes option? Then you could also bring your small dog to metal shows!
posted by egregious theorem at 11:21 AM on March 7, 2016


Yeah. Metal shows.
posted by box at 11:24 AM on March 7, 2016 [6 favorites]


My gabby landlord who lived in the back house on the two-house lot we shared used to bend my ear for hours on end -- all of it utterly forgettable except for the following tale.

Jerry used to have an old tomcat that half-heartedly kept the local vermin population under control, or at least in a reliable state of unease. The cat spent most of its time sleeping under the rose bushes up near the house I rented or in the sun on the deck of the hot tub back beside Jerry's kitchen door. In between was Jerry's beautiful lawn with a concrete path that connected his house to the driveway and the street. One day while the cat ambled along the path from the hot tub deck to the rose bushes a crow or a raven swooped down from the powerlines above and delivered a vicious peck to the crown of the tomcat's head and beat wings back up to its perch on the wires. Tomcat fled into the shadows beyond the hot tub and didn't re-appear until dusk.

The following day tomcat again strode from hot tub to rose bushes and just as before, down came the crow or raven to deliver a terrific peck, and away scurried the cat into the shadows beyond the hot tub as the bird beat wings up to its perch. And so on for the third day and every day thereafter for weeks.

What a stupid cat, thought Jerry. Why not find a new place to nap? Or find a new way to the bushes that doesn't expose your head to aerial attack? That bird has beaten your brains out!

This dance continued through spring with grim results for the cat's head. The cat bore the familiar marks of a tomcat's life of privation and discord: cheeks bulbous for fighting, bridge of nose creased with clawscars, an ear missing its tip. To that history the bird had added scabby sores and a growing bald patch where the cat had received so many daily pecks.

Jerry had invited his boss and several coworkers from the Los Angeles Unified School District to his place for a Memorial Day barbecue. (Jerry was in some way responsible for school construction and repair .) The first guest to arrive was his boss and as Jerry stepped out to greet the man with a bottle of beer and to set the right tone for the afternoon, the old tomcat again left its spot on the hot tub and began its daily amble out to be humiliated by the crow or raven perched on the wires above.

Oh no, thought Jerry. That cat is going to humiliate me, now, too.

Jerry's boss smiled and waved and the bird slipped from its perch to begin its Stuka diverun on the cat. The cat seemed as unaware as ever, the bird's shadow on Jerry's well kept lawn bending over garden statues and garden bench in a race to meet the figure of the bird itself at the point of the cat's head, nearer and nearer, when suddenly the cat leapt straight off the concrete path, flipped itself claws skyward and spread it's limbs wide. The bird began to furiously beat its wings in retreat, to abort the attack, but it was no use. The momentum of the dive drove the falling bird into the outstretched claws of the tomcat. Both entwined into a mass of lustrous black feather and scabby orange fur and crashed down onto the concrete with a whoomph. There was a fluttering, and a flap, and then it was over. The cat turned out from under the broken bird, its face and chops bloodied, took hold of the kill by the neck, and pulled it back into the shadows beyond the hot tub.

"Jesus Christ!" said Jerry's boss.

"Oh, that?" said Jerry. "He does that all the time."
posted by notyou at 11:32 AM on March 7, 2016 [70 favorites]


My chihuahua was attacked by a big dog in NYC about 6 years ago - the dog (a Bernese mountain dog) ran up from behind (owner dropped the leash), bit him on his abdomen, shook him back and forth like a chew toy and then dropped him. Luckily the teeth missed all of his major organs, luckily we were only 10 blocks from a state of the art emergency vet clinic, and luckily the other dog's owner had renters insurance (because the vet bill was many thousands of dollars, though we did have to pay it up front and wait for reimbursement, which, again, we were lucky to have the ability to do; our regular vet waived the fee for all of his follow up care too which was awesome of them). The vet said these little-dog-big-dog (LDBD) attacks are rarely survivable for the little dog.

I don't know that I'd make the little guy wear that crazy vest, but I completely understand the trauma that would prompt someone to make it and use it.
posted by melissasaurus at 11:36 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]


Also, situational awareness; also, leash. Or teach him to stand his ground. You could get him one of those little dogmatics and a shoulder holster to carry it in.

Mrs. mule and I were taking a hike one day in the early spring, along the floor of one of the deep canyons associated with Lake Powell. Desert flowers in that area were plentiful, but you needed to pay attention to see them. Also with us was Mrs. mule's little lap rat, Sugar (a long-haired teacup chihuahua, about the size of large mouse or small rat). Sugar loved to prance around sniffing at this and that. We were alive to the danger of raptors, having camped the previous two weeks in Arizona, among a literal forest of tall suguaro. Several dozen Golden Eagles were perched atop as many suguaros, scanning the area for lunch. Needless to say mrs mule carried Sugar through this area, but even so, it was clear by their demeanor that these birds had marked Sugar as a potential meal.

But the canyon we were in that day was free from eagles, and we spied no hawks on the cruise, so she let Sugar run around us in little doggie circles, doing doggie things in her own endearing doggie way. That's when we discovered the owls living in small cubbyholes high on the cliff. As it turns out, you can't hear an owl coming; we became aware of the stoop only after the owl's wing brushed my leg as it zoomed down after Sugar. The owl made the hit, sent Sugar sprawling with a yelp, but failed to get a grip, and flew back up to its cubbyhole. Mrs. mule decided to carry Sugar for the rest of the hike.
posted by mule98J at 11:40 AM on March 7, 2016 [4 favorites]


Jerry used to have an old tomcat

Sounds like a Big Black song.

I don't live in coyote country, although listening to Harmontown has given me an appreciation of the concern here. I wonder how problematic the spikes on these things are. Seems they could cause problems with the leash, etc.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:43 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]


I totally get the impetus behind this project; I hike with my 24-pound Border Collie mutt. There's an area near my house (Foothills Wildlife Management Area) that I simply refuse to hike without a sidearm because there is so much coyote scat. I don't worry about the coyotes attacking me, though we do have coywolves in the area, but I know little Kenda looks like a tasty snack to them.

I'm not sure I could ask her to wear an armored vest, though. And even if I did, I'm pretty sure she'd refuse.
posted by workerant at 11:50 AM on March 7, 2016


Related: How to Haze a Coyote
posted by aydeejones at 11:54 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


Why not a full suit of power armor?

This is the Fallout 4 equivalent of "I have no idea what I'm doing".

Funnily enough after an encounter with a Deathclaw Matriarch I learned that Dogmeat can get some truly excellent hang time.
posted by nathan_teske at 12:17 PM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


It helps that Dogmeat is "essential", i.e. functionally unkillable.

We have a place in ruralish Maine, with ravens and hawks and eagles around, and we also have a chihuahua. I think we'll solve the same problem by just going out with her when it's potty time, which is about all the time she spends outdoors. (She's very old, and small dogs don't much enjoy walking for long distances anyway.)
posted by tobascodagama at 12:25 PM on March 7, 2016


Related: To protect your Volkswagen from rocs.
posted by sonascope at 12:28 PM on March 7, 2016 [3 favorites]


Do they work for kids?
You know that's fake, right?
posted by MtDewd at 12:30 PM on March 7, 2016




Disappointed that they don't have a version of this for road runners.
posted by Nat "King" Cole Porter Wagoner at 12:42 PM on March 7, 2016


Came to comment about mountain lions, too - actually. Doesn't this body armor just make the dog look like the biggest cat toy?! The neighbor's goose just went missing and a mountain lion was picked up on the wildlife camera. We can put one of these suits on a decoy and see the reaction...
posted by alex_skazat at 12:49 PM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]


We take our two dogs (a fat chihuahua and a Corgi/Pom) out to the old farmstead quite often but I'm always on alert. I doubt if anything would try to attack inside the yard but I'll be damned if they're going with me on a walk into the fields or down the section line. We know there's coyotes, hawks, and bobcats, wolves have been sighted a couple times and last summer my cousin spotted cat tracks. LARGE cat tracks. No amount of armor is going to save that chihuahua from a mountain lion looking for an appetizer.
posted by Ber at 1:00 PM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


Many people are acting like this is a joke. It is very much not funny to lose a beloved companion, especially in such a traumatic way.

My medium sized dog could have used something like this the other day when a Presa Canario attacked her while we were walking in our neighborhood. I see the potential for trouble if a genuinely friendly, playful dog wants to wrestle, but my God would those spikes look excellent impaled in that Presa Canario's flesh. We haven't been for a walk since then, and I don't have anything I can legally use to protect her from future attacks.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 1:22 PM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


I don't understand why this doesn't cover the most vulnerable areas, the throat and the belly. This is where predators prefer to attack. Flip this guy over and he's dead in seconds if it's a big dog or mountain lion or whatever.
posted by feloniousmonk at 1:29 PM on March 7, 2016 [3 favorites]


Ugh, the sheer number of irresponsible owners of big dogs out there is really infuriating. You want to own one, you need to put in the time to do the training and keep them on a (literal and figurative) short leash.
posted by tobascodagama at 1:29 PM on March 7, 2016 [4 favorites]


Is this effective against alligators? Not many coyotes in my neck of the woods.
posted by etherist at 1:36 PM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


The Kevlar vest may or may not prevent your dog from getting chewed, but it most definitely will not prevent your dog from getting drowned. Not sure if the spikes would deter a gator, but I'm guessing not.
posted by tobascodagama at 1:48 PM on March 7, 2016


I'm a Peke owner, and while I see the funny side of this, I'd buy it if I lived in an area or a city where coyotes were endemic (there are coyotes here, in Saskatoon, but they're not as bad as they are in Vancouver, where they literally wander around downtown streets in daylight).

Mind you, I'm also of the mind that we should start shooting or otherwise killing populations of urban coyotes. Urban raccoons are annoying, but not dangerous. Large to largish predators should be discouraged.
posted by jrochest at 2:40 PM on March 7, 2016


Mind you, I'm also of the mind that we should start shooting or otherwise killing populations of urban coyotes. Urban raccoons are annoying, but not dangerous. Large to largish predators should be discouraged.

I've seen coyotes loping through the streets of DC, but I rarely see rats there. I'd rather keep the predators doing their job in the ecosystem and encourage pet owners to have some sense. Meanwhile, Baltimore has no lucky pocket of coyotes (consequent to having no natural refuge like Rock Creek Park), and you've got to kick rats out of the way just to get back to your parking space.

Mind you, my pocket-sized saddlebag beagle, who finds the regular swooping assaults of Cooper hawks on the passerines of my back yard whimper-worthy, might disagree, so your mileage may vary.
posted by sonascope at 3:32 PM on March 7, 2016 [3 favorites]


What about for feathery babies? I lost 12 chickens to coyotes last week.
posted by aetg at 4:29 PM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


A Hawk swooped in low while walking my beagle last year.

I bought him a Tommy Gun and Fokker dog house.
posted by clavdivs at 4:39 PM on March 7, 2016 [7 favorites]


My friend's dog was killed by a coyote IN Boston proper WHILE she had it on a leash. I'm betting she'd buy this.
posted by waitingtoderail at 6:01 PM on March 7, 2016 [3 favorites]


We don't take our cocker to the dog park or beaches anymore because of bullying. I would definitely consider getting this for him, because I hate those fuckin' dogs and their owners.
posted by Brocktoon at 6:19 PM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


Just one note -- shooting coyotes won't eliminate the population, but it will make it smaller, shyer and more careful around humans and human activities. I agree with you on the rats, but you don't need to accept coyotes killing pets on leashes or in yards to keep the rats down.
posted by jrochest at 6:46 PM on March 7, 2016


The "how to haze a coyote" link above is no joke and is apparently (I recently learned) the diligent duty of any humans who encounter coyotes in urban/suburban areas in order to discourage them from getting too close to people and their pets.

The advice is specifically for western standard coyotes; the eastern coyote or "coywolf" is a different matter, with some confirmed human fatalities due to their wolf-like hunting and biting capabilities.
posted by aydeejones at 8:08 PM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]


And yes, shooting them is often appropriate but less so in the city, so hazing is the next best option. Plus that video is hilaribad
posted by aydeejones at 8:09 PM on March 7, 2016


Also, if your small dog is invited to a Halloween party the armor doubles as a Nudibranch costume.
posted by contraption at 10:10 PM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]


A number of dogs and cats have been killed by cars in my town, but my fellow townspeople seem oddly uncooperative regarding my proposed solution of shooting cars and properly managing their population to ensure pet safety.
posted by sonascope at 5:19 AM on March 8, 2016 [9 favorites]


A moose once bit my sister...
posted by Naberius at 7:42 AM on March 8, 2016


Why not a full suit of power armor?

Because WHERE ARE MY TESTICLES, SUMMER?
posted by phearlez at 8:19 AM on March 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Did I hear someone say that raccoons are not dangerous? I'm afraid I must disagree. One raccon can easily kill an average dog, and two can take out a pit or a rotweiler.
posted by ambulocetus at 10:02 AM on March 13, 2016 [1 favorite]


And then there's raccoon roundworm, a deadly parasite carried by raccoons that's so bad wildlife rehabilitators can't reuse cages that have held raccoons until after said cages haven't been burnt. Yeah, bleach doesn't kill it, only fire does. And the eggs can survive for years in soil or even water.

Fun, right?
posted by tobascodagama at 12:22 PM on March 13, 2016


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