Paul had no interest in salad. For him, it was always about the dressing

March 10, 2016 7:14 PM

The Clickhole brings us an oral history of the Newman’s Own food company, its flagship dressing, and its distinctive founder.
posted by Going To Maine (13 comments total)

Maybe it's just me being an old grouch, but I'm not sure that was entirely accurate.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:10 PM on March 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

I think Clickhole has published almost identical articles (only the names are changed) about Jimmy Dean, Betty Crocker and Chef Boyardee.
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:25 PM on March 10, 2016

The wetness is a kind of beverage that tastes so wet and probably doesn’t annihilate your skeleton

Truer words have never been spoken
posted by Hoopo at 8:38 PM on March 10, 2016 [2 favorites]

But none of this is remotely as insane as the "Bitch Cassidy"-quaffing-a-mug-of-Italian-dressing-after-winning-the-hot-air-balloon-race story that Newman's Own actually prints on the back of the salad dressing bottles.
posted by straight at 9:05 PM on March 10, 2016

Oh here it is. I couldn't find it because I should have been searching for "Bitch Cassidini."

The Great Salad Dressing Balloon Race Across The Boot of Italy

An armada of balloons loaded with Low Fat Sesame Ginger. The starters gun — Bazooombah! They all rise majestically into the air. Newman’s Own Balloon, with fewer calories, more taste, and secretly propelled by charity, flies faster than Kraft® and further than Wishbone®. First across. First on the ground. El Piloto quaffs mucho quaffs of Newman’s Own Low Fat Sesame Ginger in victory. A medium light Italian starlet, daughter of Butch Cassidini, named Bitch Cassidini, leaps into the balloon basket, kisses Piloto, her lips smeared with Newman’s Own Low Fat, she murmurs, “You taste of Sicily, of Vesuvius, of Naples, baby”, and patting his fanny she whispers, “and no fat.”

(apparently more recent bottles call her "Bitsey")
posted by straight at 9:15 PM on March 10, 2016 [10 favorites]

That's even more hilarious with the European usage of 'fanny'.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 1:29 AM on March 11, 2016

I can eat fifty eggs.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 2:10 AM on March 11, 2016 [3 favorites]

Hi, it's graymouser from the internet. I cracked up when the guy from Clorox / Hidden Valley gets one of the nude Paul Newman prototype bottles and it starts screaming "I'm choking." That's the kind of payoff you really have to build a lot for, and I respect that.
posted by graymouser at 3:29 AM on March 11, 2016 [4 favorites]

Clickhole is usually pretty meh for me, but this had me cackling last night. Thanks.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 5:35 AM on March 11, 2016

Lite Italian? If it is lite it isn't Italian.
posted by Splunge at 6:54 AM on March 11, 2016

Vanity Fair did a write up on some scandalous doin's at the foundation. (Update here)
posted by BWA at 8:58 AM on March 11, 2016

I understand this is supposed to be funny.
posted by Cosine at 11:42 AM on March 11, 2016

“You taste of Sicily, of Vesuvius, of Naples, wetness, baby”, and patting his fanny she whispers, “and no fat.”
posted by Going To Maine at 12:48 PM on March 11, 2016