They belong in a museum
March 16, 2016 11:27 PM   Subscribe

As news arrives of a fifth Indiana Jones film arriving in 2019, here's a look back at the Indiana Jones films that never were.
posted by Artw (178 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
(first link possibly borked? can't get it to work, and am on iOS so I can't easily diagnose)
posted by mwhybark at 12:01 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Easily accessible at the entrance to a zero security storage facility popular with drunken toddlers sits a box made of wet toilet tissue. That is where I am keeping my excitement about this thoroughly contained.
posted by biffa at 12:06 AM on March 17, 2016 [14 favorites]


How can there be more? Didn't Adam Driver kill him?
posted by Rangi at 12:09 AM on March 17, 2016 [21 favorites]


Can't decide if I should watch raiders or last crusade at 3:10am.

Please just let this next one be a good adventure story.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:09 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


I would also like to know why the second article isn't titled, "must george lucas destroy all his franchises?"
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:11 AM on March 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Get Off My Lawn You Kids?
posted by Pazzovizza at 12:40 AM on March 17, 2016


Agh, Indy himself should be relegated to the mentor role now, not swing from chandeliers. The main character could be a grown-up Short Round, with Indy pretty much having the role of his father in The Last Crusade. But I'm not holding my breath.
posted by Harald74 at 12:47 AM on March 17, 2016 [16 favorites]


Wait, didn't Indy die of radiation poisoning trapped in a refrigerator he thought would protect him from a nuclear blast, and have a lengthy hallucination about aliens and skulls and stuff while he was dying? I seem to remember that happening.
posted by hippybear at 12:54 AM on March 17, 2016 [56 favorites]


For those who aren't aware The City of the Gods script is online. And reading it after watching Crystal Skull made at least me think that having Greedo shoot first wasn't anywhere near Lucas' worst meddling.
posted by Francis at 1:08 AM on March 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


Seconding that the first link seems to be broken or malformed, can a mod look at it?
posted by JHarris at 1:08 AM on March 17, 2016


[Can't tell what the URL was supposed to be for the first link, I've removed it for now.]
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 1:11 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


And reading it after watching Crystal Skull made at least me think that having Greedo shoot first wasn't anywhere near Lucas' worst meddling.

Thanks for the link. That script is godawful already, though.
posted by nom de poop at 2:05 AM on March 17, 2016


The single possibly good news is Spielberg who can actually produce a very competent adventure movie.

How can there be more? Didn't Adam Driver kill him?

I'm kinda thinking that Harrison will die in all the sequels he has going on. A sort of shared universe type of thing, combining into a larger narrative on the impossibility of immortality and the inevitability of fate in all alternate dimensions and timelines. Blade Runner, sure. He'll be killed by his son Ryan Gosling. And also in Indiana Jones, but here it has to be accidental, involving a ricochet or sth.
posted by sapagan at 2:06 AM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Disciplinary Hearing at the Archaeological Institute of America for Highly Questionable Practices in the Field?
posted by misteraitch at 2:44 AM on March 17, 2016 [73 favorites]


I'm hoping Chewie is in this one, bashing Nazi skulls together.
posted by sebastienbailard at 2:59 AM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


NO MORE SKULLS
posted by wenestvedt at 3:17 AM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


"Indiana Jones and the 3:30 Early Bird Dinner Buffet"
posted by briank at 3:25 AM on March 17, 2016 [18 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Snakes on a Plane.

"Snakes. Why does it always have to be snakes?"
posted by tilde at 3:34 AM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


I just want Indy to fight the Beatles. Just make the damn movie already.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:45 AM on March 17, 2016 [14 favorites]


Now that you mention it, Help actually did have a kind of Indiana Jones vibe to it. I can hear that one guy telling Indy, "Go to the window!"
posted by valkane at 4:22 AM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Okay, but what do we know about the quality of the men who will be working on the movie? Will these be, like, just average men, or what?
posted by officer_fred at 4:34 AM on March 17, 2016 [23 favorites]


Okay, but what do we know about the quality of the men who will be working on the movie? Will these be, like, just average men, or what?

We have top men working on it right now.
posted by Twain Device at 4:45 AM on March 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Hunt for a New Franchise, oh Screw It Let's Make The Fugitive 2.
posted by adept256 at 4:49 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Indiana Jones and the Medicare Prescription Coverage Gap.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:57 AM on March 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


I'm also enamored with the notion Harrison Ford is revisiting all his beloved roles to do a death scene. Blade Runner, Indiana Jones, Air Force One, The Fugitive, Patriot Games, Regarding Henry, Working Girl, he'll die in a sequel/reboot of each one to pass the torch on to the next generation.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 5:03 AM on March 17, 2016 [14 favorites]


Regarding Henry 2: The Reregardening

Indiana Jones and the Cowboys and Aliens and Clear and Present Dangers

posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:04 AM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


The 2nd page of that City of the Gods script has a tagline in papyrus! Can't be anything but gold from here on in...
posted by threecheesetrees at 5:08 AM on March 17, 2016


Wake me up when there's a Nathan Drake Uncharted movie.
posted by like_neon at 5:16 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Wake me up when there's a Nathan Drake Uncharted movie.

I'm seeing it in my mind. A marvel style Super Friends flick.

Drake, Jones, Croft and Dig Dug: The Boulderdash.
posted by adept256 at 5:22 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


I suspect 5 will be Atlantis:
- There's no extant property of note that's too close to it
- It's a higher-visibility MacGuffin than the crystal skulls were (and I wouldn't be surprised if someone high up in this process--a studio suit, or maybe even Spielberg--will pin the blame for 4 on the skulls themselves)
- It presents filmmaking challenges/opportunities
- It's a sort of fresh, different thing for Indy to do
- Indy'll probably die in it, so it needs to feel earned... i.e. it'd be lame for him to go out like a punk just for the Search for the Secret of the Voynich Manuscript or w/e
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 5:24 AM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Drake, Jones, Croft and Dig Dug: The Boulderdash.

Guardians of the Archeology

(although I guess not really, they are all plunderers)
posted by like_neon at 5:26 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Harrison Ford is now 14 years older than Sean Connery was in the Last Crusade, six years older than Denholm (Brody) Elliott. He is, however, still younger than the Grail Knight.

(Keep in mind we're also, what, two years before production?)

On the plus side, there's no indication that Businessman Formerly Known as George Lucas is involved in this one.
posted by entropicamericana at 5:28 AM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'm sort of hoping the MacGuffin is George Lucas himself. After Indy discovers the original George in Atlantis buried under Shangri-La, they watch The Phantom Menace together. George sadly dies from face melting, like in Raiders.
posted by adept256 at 5:34 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'd like to be the first person in the thread to make fun of how old Harrison Ford is
posted by beerperson at 5:36 AM on March 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


Crystal Skull was so terrible that it's sort of fascinating. Spielberg has done some really great stuff in this century, some of my favorite work from him, and then this. How did he agree to work on a film with a script that terrible?
posted by octothorpe at 5:39 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


"Indiana Jones and the 3:30 Early Bird Dinner Buffet"

Indiana Jones and the Magical Pen From Space

"Jerry! Give me back that pen! It belongs in a museum!"
posted by lagomorphius at 5:44 AM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


We have top men working on it right now.

Who?
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 5:45 AM on March 17, 2016


How did he agree to work on a film with a script that terrible?

Maybe Dan Ackroyd's crystal skulls of vodka were involved?

As for all these never-were movies: thank god. What in the holy hell was Lucas thinking for ... any of them? Every one of them sounds as bad or worse than Crystal Skull.

At this point, I feel like there's only actually 2 Indiana Jones movies -- Raiders, and Last Crusade. Crystal Skull is out for obvious reasons, and Temple of Doom ... I have fondness for some parts of it, but as I've aged it has become harder and harder to ignore how amazingly racist a movie it is.
posted by tocts at 5:49 AM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Nobody called Mutt is ever mentioned.

I approve of this movie, Frank Darabont.
posted by middleclasstool at 5:51 AM on March 17, 2016


Also it's become pretty clear that George Lucas just got lucky a couple of times. And was in most cases saved from himself by his collaborators.
posted by middleclasstool at 5:52 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


We have top men working on it right now.

Who?


Top. Men.
posted by Aznable at 5:54 AM on March 17, 2016 [13 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Ignominious End of a Formerly Beloved Filmmaker's Career
posted by middleclasstool at 5:55 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Indiana Jones and the Benefits of a Reverse Mortgage
posted by Bromius at 6:09 AM on March 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


Top. Men.

*pipe*

Fun fact: That's the same actor who played Porkins in Star Wars
posted by Fleebnork at 6:12 AM on March 17, 2016 [17 favorites]


Also, I've been craving an Indy in Atlantis movie ever since the LucasArts game.
posted by Fleebnork at 6:12 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


My suggestions:

1. An adventure in the 1970s called Indiana Jones And The Avenging Disco Grandfather.

2. A crotchety Indy writes his memoirs, whose movie rights are purchased by two young filmmakers. He flies to Hollywood in 1981 to consult with George Lucas and Steven Speilberg on the set of Raiders Of The Lost Ark. Wacky hijinks ensue.
posted by stannate at 6:13 AM on March 17, 2016 [12 favorites]


I just want Indy to fight the Beatles.

In Indiana Jones and The Clean Old Man Indy confronts his greatest challenge: Paul's grandfather. He's a villain. A real mixer!
posted by octobersurprise at 6:17 AM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


The Hollywood Homicide reboot is really, really going to change a lot of minds about this franchise.
posted by Naberius at 6:26 AM on March 17, 2016


If the film comes out in 2018, that will be 37 years since 1981 when Raiders was released. Assuming RothLA was set in 1942, adding 37 years puts us in 1979. So a new movie would be set almost at the time when the first movie was being filmed.
posted by octothorpe at 6:26 AM on March 17, 2016 [14 favorites]


Or on not-preview, what stannate said.
posted by octothorpe at 6:27 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Late '70s, eh? OK, how about
Indiana Jones and the Mad Max-Style Apocalypse
or
Indiana Jones and the Very Hungry Shark
or
Indiana Jones and the All-Star Cast Trapped in a Doomed Conveyance of Some Sort
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 6:29 AM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]




Indiana Jones and the Clean Old Man

With a 2019 release date, Ford will be 27 years older than Wilfrid Brambell (who played the aforesaid Clean Old Man in A Hard Day's Night) was at the time of that film's release. Brambell was 28 years older than the eldest of the Beatles.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:53 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


There's also the fact that Shia Labeouf got typically weird and temperamental and wanted to argue about the script, character choices, etc., and Spielberg retorted something along the lines of there being some movies that are art and some movies that are just making burgers, and you have to know when you're making burgers.

All paraphrased, but from an interview I saw with Shia when the movie was coming out.
posted by maxsparber at 6:55 AM on March 17, 2016


Indiana Jones and The List That Needed One More Movie.
posted by ZeusHumms at 7:06 AM on March 17, 2016


Shia Labeouf being an asshole? Unthinkable!
posted by Artw at 7:12 AM on March 17, 2016


A fifth film?
Well, we're overdue for a second good film then!
This time, surely?
posted by Mezentian at 7:13 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Maybe Dan Ackroyd's crystal skulls of vodka were involved?


I'm actually kind of hoping that Dan Ackroyd consults on the script.

I mean, if it's going to be a train wreck full of pseudoscientific mumbo-jumbo, you might as well recruit the best.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:13 AM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Naughty Ghost.
posted by Artw at 7:14 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


I got to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at a pre-release screening at Lucasfilm in San Francisco's Presidio. It's pretty awkward thinking about how much a movie sucks when you're sitting in a theater with the people who made it.
posted by kirkaracha at 7:18 AM on March 17, 2016 [9 favorites]


Spielberg retorted something along the lines of there being some movies that are art and some movies that are just making burgers

I think that Labeouf for those burgers came from the saddest of cows.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 7:19 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Indiana Jones And The Disappointing Saga Holiday.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 7:21 AM on March 17, 2016


[OK, link's fixed & reinstated.]
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 7:21 AM on March 17, 2016




It is not ageist to be critical of an action flick staring a 77-year-old lead. I say this as someone who is long overdue for Carousel.
posted by entropicamericana at 7:36 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


It is not ageist to be critical of an action staring a 77-year-old lead.

Since the main cause of your criticism appears to be the age of the lead, that is actually... textbook ageism.
posted by Behemoth at 7:40 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


With CG being what it is, I say bring on the elderly action heroes. They have more acting chops, and I'm sick of pretty teen action heroes anyway.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 7:41 AM on March 17, 2016


Since the main cause of your criticism appears to be the age of the lead, that is actually... textbook ageism.

Okay, whatever.
posted by entropicamericana at 7:45 AM on March 17, 2016


Cary Grant was actually 72 during the making of North by Northwest; in his last appearance as James Bond in Never Say Never Again, Sean Connery was 168.
posted by beerperson at 7:47 AM on March 17, 2016 [31 favorites]


Sean Connery
posted by Artw at 7:53 AM on March 17, 2016


Well, we're overdue for a second good film then!

Indiana Jones and the I Am Harrumphing the Shit Out of That Comment
posted by middleclasstool at 8:02 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


It is actually ageism. American's first action genre, the western, was unusually good at allowing its characters to age, and following them as they got older, and what getting older meant to living on the frontier.

In fact, I'd say one of the things I liked least about the last Indy Jones film was that it seemed so embarrassed about the fact that he was getting older. Jones grew up around old men, and almost all his fellow archaeologists were much older than him, and besides which he had an unusually scrappy father as a role model for how to still be an active older dude (and I know Connery was younger than Ford is now, but he was playing older -- Henry was 66 in Last Crusade, just seven years younger than Ford is now.)

Admittedly, you can't have Indy doing the sorts of things he did in the first film. Part of the fun of action films featuring older actors is seeing how they deal with things that their younger selves would have solved with sheer physicality, and, often, these sorts of films represent a sort of rebuke to the earlier films -- think of The Outlaw Josie Wales or Unforgiven, in which Eastwood's Man With No Name character is recast as being exhausted by violence and badly damaged by his youth.

Indy is a smart dude. In his old age, that's going to be his superpower.
posted by maxsparber at 8:19 AM on March 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


What would the maguffin be? They've done both testaments (Ark, Grail) and awkwardly poked at South American (Skulls) and Indian (Stones) themes.

And who would the bad guys be? The Nazis are done. I don't think Temple of Doom could be made nowadays - at least I hope there's no way that a studio (or Spielberg) would let that racist shit fly. That leaves the Commies again which I guess could be okay? It's either them or Industrialists or some sort of Secret Cult of English Actors Slumming It For A Paycheck (or maybe both).

If I had to bet, I'd say they'd go with Greek myth, maybe loosely following the Labors of Hercules. At the end, Indy would die/ascend into demigodhood. Bad guy would be a rich collector type. Set it in the swinging 60s. Have the female sidekick turn out to be a Muse who was enlisted to inspire Indy through the Labors unto his final rest.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:24 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Period Exoticism is his Whole Deal.
posted by Artw at 8:31 AM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'd like to be the first person in the thread to make fun of how old Harrison Ford is

Indiana Jones and Where's The Clicker, It's Time for Price is Right
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:33 AM on March 17, 2016


Since the main cause of your criticism appears to be the age of the lead

I'm so un-ageist that I'm yearning to see Jacob Haines reprise his role as Mikey in another Look Who's Talking movie.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:42 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


look it's not ageist to discriminate regarding age
posted by beerperson at 8:44 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


No, you're right, let's grab Kirk Douglas, drag him behind a Mercedes-Benz LG3000 through the desert, and have him punch out people fifty years younger than him.
posted by entropicamericana at 8:52 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


A grown-up Short Round, who would be 44 in 1968, would be perfect as the action lead. Maybe Jonathan Ke Quan would be willing to reprise the role if written non-insultingly.

And for un-tapped exoticism, I guess there's still sub-Saharan Africa, Polynesia, and Australia. Same plot as Temple of Doom — but with Indiana and Short Round rescuing Aboriginal children from a boarding school run by evil white Australians, secret disciples of Aleister Crowley who wield occult powers.
posted by mubba at 8:52 AM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Assuming RothLA was set in 1942

Raiders was set in 1936. Temple of Doom was a prequel, set in 1935. Last Crusade took place in 1938. Significantly, all these took place before the start of WWII in Europe, which is why Indy is able to travel around Germany, and why he's heroic and perceptive in his anti-Nazi sentiments, rather than just following the crowd.

Crystal Skull is set in 1957, nineteen years after Last Crusade (which had been released 19 years previously). Sticking to that real-time aging timeline, a movie released in 2019 should be set around 1968.

So... hippies?
posted by Dreadnought at 8:52 AM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


No, you're right, let's grab Kirk Douglas, drag him behind a Mercedes-Benz LG3000 through the desert, and have him punch out people fifty years younger than him.

Okay!
posted by beerperson at 8:58 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


And for un-tapped exoticism, I guess there's still sub-Saharan Africa, Polynesia, and Australia.

Wait! It's the height of the Cultural Revolution! Indy's going after the lost tomb of the Qin Emperor. He's going to have to fight renegade Red Guards.
posted by Dreadnought at 9:00 AM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


No, you're right, let's grab Kirk Douglas, drag him behind a Mercedes-Benz LG3000 through the desert, and have him punch out people fifty years younger than him.

He's not the right gender to be a vulvani.
posted by maxsparber at 9:01 AM on March 17, 2016


Short Round seeks out the help of a retired Indy who is wandering the Hippie Trail to discover ancient Chinese artifacts and protect them from the Cultural Revolution

Indy is probably on LSD or something
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 9:02 AM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Wait! It's the height of the Cultural Revolution! Indy's going after the lost tomb of the Qin Emperor. He's going to have to fight renegade Red Guards.

Damn it
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 9:02 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Ooh, I like Ray Walston, Luck Dragon's version better. Hmm... apparently they already made a video game about the Qin tomb. Conceivably, they could just ignore that, though.

Apparently, Crystal Skull never opened in the PRC. I wonder if there's any pressure to break into the Chinese market?
posted by Dreadnought at 9:13 AM on March 17, 2016


Shia Labeouf being an asshole? Unthinkable!

Indiana Jones and His Garbage Son Sitting In A Cardboard Box In Times Square Letting Strangers Pet His Man-Bun As "Performance Art" Or Some Shit
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:13 AM on March 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


What was the pulp genre adventure trappers of the late 60s?

It's too small scale for an Indiana Jones treatment but my mind went to cults and Satanism and secret Soceities - a rew Lovecraftian notes could get you thematically back to the 30s while being set in the 60s. Indiana Jones And The Unspeakable Horror From Space.

(I mean I think finding Eden, Shangra-Lai, Atlantis, whatever and then staying there forever is a natural end to the series but whatever)
posted by The Whelk at 9:21 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Short Round as Indiana Jones: The Next Generation could be pretty amazing. He'd have to either take Jones' name Dread Pirate Roberts-style or at least insist on a more grown-up nickname, because (1) "Short Round" is not far from "White Josh" in the realm of grown-ass man nicknames and (2) "Short Round and the Secret Gospel" or whatever juuuuuuuuuuuuuuust doesn't quite have the same ring to it.
posted by middleclasstool at 9:33 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


I mean I think finding Eden, Shangra-Lai, Atlantis, whatever and then staying there forever is a natural end to the series but whatever)

I am completely on board with Eden. It's a return to biblical imagery, which grounded the best Indy films, and a garden paradise would be a great place for Indy to finally hang his hat. If the ark was real and the grail was real, why not Eden?
posted by Pater Aletheias at 9:35 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


or at least insist on a more grown-up nickname

Tall Slim?
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:37 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Haunted Amusement Park.
posted by gottabefunky at 9:58 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Six Day War.
posted by Artw at 9:58 AM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


"Trump voters. I hate these guys."
posted by gottabefunky at 10:00 AM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Indiana Jones and His Garbage Son

Indiana Jones and the Dreaded Laramie
posted by MrBadExample at 10:12 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Indiana Jones and the Savior of K'un-L'un.
posted by Artw at 10:14 AM on March 17, 2016


What would the maguffin be? They've done both testaments (Ark, Grail)
Indiana Jones and the Golden Plates?
posted by fings at 10:17 AM on March 17, 2016


Indiana Jones and the Unsexy But Archaeologically Significant Potsherds
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:19 AM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Six hours of sifting dirt and then at the end he gets really excited about a flint arrowhead.
posted by Artw at 10:24 AM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Modern Day Hollywood reboot plan:
Indiana Jones and a Fountain of Youth is to Spock and Red Matter as X is to J.J. Abrahms.
posted by Nanukthedog at 10:28 AM on March 17, 2016


So... hippies?

Indiana Jones and the Age of Aquarius

(the end scene is a giant musical number)
posted by nubs at 10:41 AM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


What would the maguffin be? They've done both testaments (Ark, Grail) and awkwardly poked at South American (Skulls) and Indian (Stones) themes.

America's forefathers hid a treasure, see?, but placed clues in all manner of clever places, including currency and the back of the Declaration of Independence. Indy's quest is to make us forget Nic Cage's film career after Wild at Heart
posted by the sobsister at 10:45 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm hoping for Unforgiven, but with a whip.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:45 AM on March 17, 2016


Indiana Jones and the Alcoholic Gun Solution
posted by middleclasstool at 10:51 AM on March 17, 2016


Indiana Jones and the Tibetan Paradise
Indiana Jones and the Lost Maya City
Indiana Jones and Spear of Destiny
Indiana Jones and the Island in the Clouds
Indiana Jones and Land Below
Indiana Jones and the Silk Road Mummies

Indiana Jones and Austin Power's Shag Carpet
Indiana Jones and the Apollo Space Program
Indiana Jones and the Secret of Tesla's Laboratory
Indiana Jones and the Evil Studio Head
Indiana Jones and the Widespread Museum Forgeries
Indiana Jones and the Land of the Faeries
Indiana Jones and the Academic Board of Inquiry
Indiana Jones and the Close-Reading Poststructuralists
posted by mwhybark at 10:54 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm hoping for Unforgiven, but with a whip.

It's a hell of a thing, raiding a tomb. Take away all he's got and all he took with him to the next world.
posted by nubs at 11:01 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Secret of Tesla's Laboratory
Indiana Jones and the Evil Studio Head


Mashup: Indiana Jones and the Evil Severed Head of Nikola Tesla
posted by middleclasstool at 11:02 AM on March 17, 2016


The Monkey King one might have some possibilities if they booked the right Monkey King.
posted by lagomorphius at 11:46 AM on March 17, 2016


Indiana Jones and the Scorpion King vs. Imhotep and the Aztec Mummy, Featuring Herman Menderchuck
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:48 AM on March 17, 2016


So... hippies?

I love the thought of doing an Atlantis story with Indy having to deal with hippies who are all about the legend of Atlantis, and they end up being right.
posted by Fleebnork at 11:51 AM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


horribly, horribly right in some awful way, of course.
posted by Artw at 11:58 AM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Hydro-Hippies of Atlantis
with Matthew McConaughey as The Hippie King
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 12:07 PM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Heart of Darkness - Mutt is MIA in Vietnam and Indy ventures into the jungle to rescue him from the mysterious cult of Col. Kurtz
posted by He Is Only The Imposter at 12:30 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Monolith on the Moon
posted by He Is Only The Imposter at 12:46 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


He Is Only The Imposter: "Indiana Jones and the Heart of Darkness - Mutt is MIA in Vietnam and Indy ventures into the jungle to rescue him from the mysterious cult of Col. Kurtz"

Who would play Colonel Lucas?
posted by octothorpe at 12:49 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Adam Driver?
posted by He Is Only The Imposter at 12:51 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Indiana Jones and the Menace of S.P.E.C.T.R.E.
posted by He Is Only The Imposter at 12:57 PM on March 17, 2016


If they no shit had him find the fountain of youth so he could be replaced with a younger actor I'd applaud the COMMITMENT TO GENRE
posted by The Whelk at 1:11 PM on March 17, 2016 [9 favorites]


Indiana Jones, like Han Solo, should never be recast.
Then again, I said that about the original Star Trek cast, and I loved the casting in JJ Trek, so I'd love to be wrong.
posted by entropicamericana at 1:14 PM on March 17, 2016


Indiana Jones and the Warren Commission.
Indiana Jones and the C.R.E.E.P.
Indiana Jones and the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

I can do this all day, people.
posted by HannoverFist at 1:19 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Doomsday Mormon Cult

Instead of Nazi soldiers you have beaming fresh-faced young men in white button-down shirts. They're trying to resurrect the ghost of Joseph Smith using long-lost LDS relics and secret rituals. There will be at least one bicycle chase scene.
posted by dephlogisticated at 1:38 PM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


At this point, having seen firsthand that Yahweh, Kali, Jesus Christ, and space aliens are all 100% real and still active in the modern-day world, Indy should be the fucking cult leader.
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:41 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Inadvisable Broadway Adaptation
Indiana Jones and the Legend of the Toga Party
Indiana Jones and the Micturated Carpet
Indiana Jones and Campus Sit-in
Indiana Jones and My Anaconda
Indiana Jones and the Secret of the Rat Pack
Indiana Jones and the Deceptive Footnote

Indiana Jones and the Astronaut's Sarcophagus
Indiana Jones and Immortal Viking Zeppelin
Indiana Jones and the Lost Dutchman's Mine
Indiana Jones and Methuselah's Cave
Indiana Jones and the Northern Lights
Indiana Jones and the Daughter of the Mary Celeste
posted by mwhybark at 2:52 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Astronaut's Sarcophagus

hmm

ok yes. proceed
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:53 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Indy calls a student to account for not paying attention in class. Turns out the kid has a ham radio and has been receiving what he thinks are distress signals from a secret Russian orbital mission that's gone off the rails. Intrigued, Indy joins the kid just as it seems the cosmonauts are undergoing a fatal re-entry. Together, they triangulate the likely location of the crew capsule's landing.

Cue montage.
posted by mwhybark at 2:55 PM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


this. this is the one
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:02 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Indiana Bones and the Forbidden Desires


Whoops. Wrong shelf.
posted by nubs at 3:08 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm kinda thinking that Harrison will die in all the sequels he has going on.

Ditto. And I'm hoping it's Adam Driver doing it in all of them.
posted by mazola at 3:39 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


When does he show up in Girls?
posted by Artw at 3:52 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Presumably when Adam's parents show up to see his show.
posted by mwhybark at 4:10 PM on March 17, 2016


BTW Art this is a toss to you. Les go
posted by mwhybark at 4:11 PM on March 17, 2016


Indiana Jones and the Brokered Convention
posted by ian1977 at 4:20 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


(Amusingly, it's possible I am subconsciously cribbing from here.)
posted by mwhybark at 4:21 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


I just want Marion to return. She was great in the original, and she was the best thing in the most recent one.

In re to all the age jokes: just wait until you're a little older yourselves, see how ha-ha funny it is when you're on the other end of those punchlines.

To be fair, the one about the early bird special was pretty good.
posted by KHAAAN! at 5:04 PM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


It occurs to me that you could make a great Retired Indiana Jones series out of Nancy Drew titles.

Indiana Jones and the Secret of the Old Clock

Indiana Jones and the Witch Tree Symbol

Indiana Jones and the Secret in the Old Attic
posted by middleclasstool at 5:06 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Basically, he returns to the time when they are filming Star Wars, so possibly a bunch of jokes about that, and then some big mystery of that time, like Bermuda Triangle.
posted by kadmilos at 5:15 PM on March 17, 2016


Indy set in his ole rockin chair on the expansive planked porch of the enormous house. From time to time he shifted, causing boards, chair, and knees to creak. It was Wednesday, and in the home's dining hall a delicious repast of pureed liver and grey green beans was being prepared for the old professors. At the other end of the porch he could hear Professor Napes arguing with Professor Sneed about the relative legitimacy of close-reading in poststructuralist analysis. Indy made a face.

Suddenly, the wrought-iron gate flew open and a trio of seventeen-year old girls tumbled into the yard, shrieking and chattering like a flock of canaries, poodle skirts atwirl.

Indiana Jones smiled, and leaned forward in his chair.
posted by mwhybark at 5:18 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Basically, he returns to the time when they are filming Star Wars, so possibly a bunch of jokes about that, and then some big mystery of that time, like Bermuda Triangle.

OOH! OOOH! Not the Bermuda Triangle—Bigfoot!
posted by entropicamericana at 5:18 PM on March 17, 2016


Indiana Jones and the C'thulu Mythos, please
posted by JimBennett at 5:24 PM on March 17, 2016


Here y'go! (Link in blog post to, yikes, a word doc)
posted by mwhybark at 5:26 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


And, so it would seem, here.
posted by mwhybark at 5:28 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


yeah but like. as a movie.
posted by JimBennett at 5:29 PM on March 17, 2016


No that'd be Alec Baldwin ... Only The Hunt For Red October was ever made.
posted by tilde at 5:51 PM on March 17, 2016


Indiana Jones and the damn it's sad when people make fun of your childhood hero just because he's old.
posted by double block and bleed at 6:34 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Indiana Jones and the Passage of Time
posted by nubs at 6:37 PM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'm watching Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, everyone. I'm taking the hit for everyone.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 7:23 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


In re to all the age jokes: just wait until you're a little older yourselves, see how ha-ha funny it is when you're on the other end of those punchlines.

Eh, I got five years on you and I thought they were pretty funny.
posted by octothorpe at 7:40 PM on March 17, 2016


By the time I finally saw Crystal Skull people (and by people I mean my entire society) had so thoroughly dumped on it that I was like, "Eh, I've watched worse movies on airplanes."
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:25 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Indiana Jones and My Anaconda

Paging Sir Mix-a-lot. Sir Mix-a-lot to the front desk please.
posted by device55 at 11:11 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Indiana Jones and Where's The Clicker, It's Time for Price is Right

Matlock jokes not good enough for you?

Crystal Skull is set in 1957, nineteen years after Last Crusade (which had been released 19 years previously). Sticking to that real-time aging timeline, a movie released in 2019 should be set around 1968.

So... hippies?


Planet People. *nods*
Oh yeah. Big screen Quaterman.
He's a retired archeologist. He's a scientist just days away from retirement.
Together they fight crime.
They can be the original odd couple.
posted by Mezentian at 4:12 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Indiana Jones and the Problematic Research Report.
Indiana Jones and the More Stingy than Anticipated Academic Pension Plan.
Indiana Jones and the Battle for Office Space as an Emeritus Professor.
Indiana Jones and the Rambling, Disorganised Plenary Address that Cites No New Research Published in the Last Thirty Years.

posted by Sonny Jim at 4:24 AM on March 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


Wait, Quarterman.
Dear me, you suck.

QUATERMASS.

Also, new trilogy:

Indiana Jones and the Undergrad.
Indiana Jones and the Disciplinary Hearing
Indiana Jones and the Sex Offender's Registry.
posted by Mezentian at 4:28 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Indiana Jones and the ... Wait, Isn't This Just Basically the Plot of an Old Rider Haggard Novel?
posted by Sonny Jim at 4:33 AM on March 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


*sigh*

From visionary director Zach Snyder:
Indiana Jones Vs Allan Quatermain: The Dark Continent

And you just know, don't you, there'll be a slowed down version of Whip It in the trailer.
Probably sung by kids.

When a problem comes along
*Indy and Alaln stare at each other*
*Indy puts his hat on*
*Allan whisks his sword around*
You must whip it
Indy's whip whips out... and basically that marketplace scene from Ark is played out.
posted by Mezentian at 4:46 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Indiana Jones and Indiana Jones: Indiana Jones
starring
Indiana Jones
Indiana Jones
and
Indiana Jones
with
Indiana Jones as Indiana Jones
directed by
Indiana Jones
posted by lucidium at 5:11 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Indiana Jones and Where's The Clicker, It's Time for Price is Right

Matlock jokes not good enough for you?


Indy would not watch Matlock
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:32 AM on March 18, 2016


By the '70s Jones would have a syndicated popular science show on TV like Nimoy's In Search Of.

"Indiana Jones Presents the Secrets of the Ancients" at 7:30 after the nightly news.
posted by octothorpe at 6:12 AM on March 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


Indy would not watch Matlock

If the Simpsons can predict President Trump, the can damn well imagine a future with oldies and Matlock.
posted by Mezentian at 6:50 AM on March 18, 2016


Indiana Jones and the Masters of Roller-Disco
posted by He Is Only The Imposter at 7:04 AM on March 18, 2016


A future with oldies and Matlock

Good news everybody! My colleague Doctor Jones here requires some archeological equipment delivered to his dig on LV-223 in the Zeti Reticuli system. Oh my, that's on the edge of Space-Nazi territory...
posted by Artw at 7:10 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


ArtW, that comment a thing of beauty.

And now I demand Vin Diesel in Indy 5.
(I assume Mutt's been working out).
posted by Mezentian at 7:18 AM on March 18, 2016


The crew could take along a synthetic if they needed more muscle, maybe one of those new Nexus 6 models.
posted by Artw at 7:24 AM on March 18, 2016


OK guys, I think I have the pitch:

The esteemed Dr. Jones is invited to brief the President on some mystical archaeological stuff while the President flies to an important international conference. Before he can get there, though, Marion is killed by a one-armed man who is the leader of a group of artificially created beings and the evidence left behind frames Dr. Jones for the murder. Fleeing for his life, Dr. Jones takes along the one witness who can clear his name - a young Amish boy - and gets to the President's plane, only to discover that the one-armed man and his group have taken it over and are holding the President hostage while they demand a longer life span. With the US Marshall in hot pursuit, can Dr. Jones save everyone and clear his own name?

Find out in:

The Fugitive Indiana Jones and the Witness: Blade Runners on Air Force One

plus, there's a talking pie
posted by nubs at 8:06 AM on March 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


Work a sexy-but-doomed French smuggler into the pitch and we might have a deal, nubs.
posted by Sonny Jim at 8:27 AM on March 18, 2016


OK, I've taken your notes and here's the revised pitch:

The Fugitive Indiana Jones and the Frantic Witness: Blade Runners on Air Force One

The esteemed Dr. Jones is invited to brief the President on some mystical archaeological stuff while the President flies to an important international conference. Before he can get there, though, Marion is killed by a one-armed man who is the leader of a group of artificially created beings and the evidence left behind frames Dr. Jones for the murder. Fleeing for his life with the help of the sexy-but-doomed French smuggler Michelle, Dr. Jones takes along the one witness who can clear his name - a young Amish boy - and gets to the President's plane, only to discover that the one-armed man and his group have taken it over and are holding the President hostage while they demand a longer life span and the kryton switches that Michelle is smuggling. With the US Marshall in hot pursuit, can Dr. Jones save everyone and clear his own name?

still features a talking pie
posted by nubs at 9:28 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm not quite feeling it yet. Can we get him stranded on an island with Anne Heche at some point?
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:33 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


If I lose the talking pie, maybe...

I really don't want to lose the talking pie, though.
posted by nubs at 9:49 AM on March 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


If you lose the talking pie then you might as well call it something else
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 10:35 AM on March 18, 2016


The talking pie is the heart of the thing, for Christ's sakes.
posted by maxsparber at 10:46 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Maybe I should have bent on the pie, cuz now it looks like they're bringing in the writer from Crystal Skull Indiana Jones Film that Should Not be Named
posted by nubs at 2:02 PM on March 18, 2016


oh, surely he can be led to understand how a talking pie, bent on or not, is the heart of the thing.
posted by mwhybark at 2:51 PM on March 18, 2016


it's gonna be a great second-act surprise when the pie turns out to be really good at fencing!
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:09 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Indiana Jones and the Harold, They're Lesbians
posted by middleclasstool at 5:22 PM on March 18, 2016


Indy and Harold and Maude.
posted by Mezentian at 8:36 PM on March 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


Indiana Jones and the Please Don't Have People Swing Through The Trees Like Monkeys could only be an improvement. I place the blame on Shia Le Thingy. The sheer awfulness of the movie that shall not be named had nothing to do with Harrison Ford getting older.

The Lego game was pretty fun though!
posted by h00py at 6:07 AM on March 19, 2016


Indiana Jones and the Scriptwriter

"I don't know, I'm making this up as I go!"
posted by nubs at 6:50 AM on March 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


Indiana Jones and the Conjunction Junction
posted by ZeusHumms at 7:18 AM on March 19, 2016


Indiana Jones and the Lost Zeppelin
posted by mwhybark at 12:35 PM on March 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


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