Do not eat

March 17, 2016 1:57 PM

Heat egg in grandfather's mouth: Easy Recipe For Warm Egg Near Blue Square You Can Make In Just 4 Months!

Alternate vid: YouTube

posted by jammy (42 comments total)

Inevitable Epicurious comment:

"I'm not sure which way Jerusalem is in my kitchen. Also, is it o.k. if I substitute erotica for the pornography?"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:04 PM on March 17, 2016 [19 favorites]

"If I don't have a grandfather can I just warm in my father's mouth? And how would that change the warm-in-mouth time?"
posted by mcmile at 2:08 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]

I substituted a green post-it for the blue square and a Cadbury Creme egg cookie for the egg and lobster water for the spider water and a microwave for the grandfather, and it didn't work. Terrible recipe, 3/5.
posted by maryr at 2:12 PM on March 17, 2016 [51 favorites]

my friend posted this on fb yesterday, our convo:
Me: "Wait, do I need to surrender my own firearm or can it be just any firearm? Also, I have no grandfathers, can I just use any grandfathers?"
Friend: "It can be anybody's firearm, but for that real 'warm egg' essence, I'd recommend sticking with an original Grandfather™. In your case, you may want someone else to make your warm egg with blue square for you."
posted by numaner at 2:18 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got distracted delivering ground beef to the International Space Station. What were we doing again?
posted by Splunge at 2:20 PM on March 17, 2016 [6 favorites]

Strangely reminiscent of Instruction for a Fruit.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:28 PM on March 17, 2016 [11 favorites]

If you have a father but no grandfather, you can still make warm egg near blue square: first have a child, then teach that child to follow the instructions for making warm egg near blue square, then have them make warm egg near blue square by using your father, who is their grandfather.

The more serious question: when orienting the egg toward Jerusalem, should you use a rhumb line or the shorter great circle path?
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 2:41 PM on March 17, 2016 [6 favorites]

I have no idea how these people got their eggs wedged into their grandfathers, or why.
posted by Celsius1414 at 2:51 PM on March 17, 2016 [13 favorites]

"My DH doesn't like eggs, so I substituted a firetruck. Yum!"
posted by BrashTech at 2:52 PM on March 17, 2016 [17 favorites]

The line you use to orient towards Jerusalem is "as the crow flies," or as is more likely from US locations, "as the mole digs."
posted by JHarris at 2:54 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]

Dammit! I don't have any flour at home!!!!
posted by JenThePro at 2:56 PM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]

AskMe, can I eat this?
posted by Lou Stuells at 2:58 PM on March 17, 2016 [7 favorites]

Seems as good an excuse as any to re post the Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook.
posted by poe at 3:11 PM on March 17, 2016 [6 favorites]

Do not eat
posted by leotrotsky at 3:21 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

I don't have a grandfather so I just used a delirious uncle, and I had used the last of my mouse on another project and couldn't be bothered going to the store so I just put it outside for a day and hoped that maybe a possum would see it, and at the end I substituted the blue square for a red circle, it was fine. It really needs more salt though.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:33 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

So, I found this painfully unclever. What should I do?
posted by tummy_rub at 3:41 PM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]

you should put it in your grandfather's mouth for an unreasonable amount of time and see if that makes it funnier.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 3:48 PM on March 17, 2016 [12 favorites]

Ugh, can we have a SLCH warning? Clickhole is like the place funny goes to die. They're probably, without getting too hyperbolic, the worst thing the Onion or any other comedy site has ever made.
posted by skullhead at 3:55 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]

Pro tip: hover your cursor over a link before clicking it. Your browser will tell you the URL of that link. Then you don't have to complain in a thread about a link you didn't want to follow.

Not everything's gonna be a hit with all people, but it's clear from above comments it was enjoyed by some. Metafilter's one of those great sites where we can agree to enjoy different things and not complain *too* much.
posted by explosion at 4:02 PM on March 17, 2016 [26 favorites]

tummy_rub: "So, I found this painfully unclever. What should I do?"

Avoid meat delivery.
posted by Splunge at 4:02 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]

I knew 'ruin the egg' reminded me of something!
posted by sagc at 4:15 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]

TASTY
posted by otherchaz at 4:57 PM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]

Pretty sure if you put an egg in Old Granddad that it is part of a recipe for a variation on a boilermaker.

...Definitely feels like a night of minimal regrets from my 20s...
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:05 PM on March 17, 2016 [4 favorites]

I'm going to need a Pantone callout number for the blue square.
posted by loquacious at 5:17 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

So, I found this painfully unclever. What should I do?

Watch more videos that are ridonkulously overproduced and take two minutes to show you a recipe that might have taken thirty seconds, tops, to read.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:59 PM on March 17, 2016 [11 favorites]

Clickhole is my favourite thing and I will never be deterred from thinking this way.
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:07 PM on March 17, 2016 [16 favorites]

loquacious: "I'm going to need a Pantone callout number for the blue square."

Sky Blue 80DAEB 128,218,235
posted by Splunge at 6:15 PM on March 17, 2016

Ugh, can we have a SLCH warning? Clickhole is like the place funny goes to die. They're probably, without getting too hyperbolic, the worst thing the Onion or any other comedy site has ever made.

I don't really care for the rest of it, but you can pry the clickventures from my cold, dead hands.
posted by juv3nal at 6:52 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]

"Surrender Firearm"

Nice try, Obama.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:54 PM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]

Ugh, can we have a SLCH warning? Clickhole is like the place funny goes to die. They're probably, without getting too hyperbolic, the worst thing the Onion or any other comedy site has ever made.

Are u ok
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:55 PM on March 17, 2016 [14 favorites]

Greetings, Beef Pilgrim.
posted by bird internet at 7:05 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]

The Akufen-ish soundtrack is perfect. Can't think of a better accompaniment for a timelapse of grandfatherly egg incubation tbh
posted by en forme de poire at 7:05 PM on March 17, 2016

The soundtrack is perfect.
posted by lunasol at 7:12 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

How to make a cream pie

How to make an egg casserole

How to make sticky date pudding

How to make a sausage roll

How to make an ice cream sandwich

How to make jelly beans

How to make a watermelon cake

How to make latte art

How to make a krabby patty

Previously
posted by limeonaire at 9:15 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

See. HowToBasic just makes me mad at seeing so much food being wasted
posted by ShawnStruck at 9:32 PM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]

Metafilter's one of those great sites where we can agree to enjoy different things and not complain *too* much.

What if the thing I agree to enjoy is complaining? What then?
posted by Western Infidels at 9:51 PM on March 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

Western Infidels: "What if the thing I agree to enjoy is complaining? What then?"

Then we can't all enjoy different things because complaining is something everyone at MeFi loves.
posted by Bugbread at 10:29 PM on March 17, 2016 [3 favorites]

> What if the thing I agree to enjoy is complaining? What then?
posted by Western Infidels at 9:51 PM on March 17 [+] [!]

then you have access to a wide range of clinton/sanders threads to complain in. and if you get bored of those you can go to the clinton/sanders metathreads where you can complain about how everyone is complaining about everyone.

metafilter: something for everyone!
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 10:57 PM on March 17, 2016 [5 favorites]

The Clickhole writers are literally the greatest comedy writers in a generation. That Gatorade thing was goddamned genius. I mean, come on.
posted by koeselitz at 11:05 PM on March 17, 2016 [6 favorites]

I am loving the surreality of Clickhole. I like to think it inhabits the same alternate universe as TVGoHome, Look Around You and the Framley Examiner.
posted by low_horrible_immoral at 3:07 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]

I can't watch any of those past the Cream Pie video because I am sad for the fish.
posted by maryr at 10:32 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]

"I started screaming, 'THE SOUR TASTE! THE SOUR TASTE OF GATORADE!' and at the same time, my father was screaming 'I KNEW YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND.'"
posted by koeselitz at 11:52 AM on March 18, 2016