"He’s not a normal gator. He has never been a normal gator."
March 18, 2016 8:09 AM   Subscribe

A Florida woman (unknown if there is a relation to Florida man) said state officials are making her give up her beloved pet alligator — a gentle giant named Rambo who is potty trained, understands sign language and loves to dress up in costumes — because he’s grown too big.
posted by terrapin (71 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
1. What a horrible idea!
2. Oh he wears pants and drives a 4wheeler? Carry on!
posted by ian1977 at 8:14 AM on March 18, 2016 [21 favorites]


This is exactly like Dawn of the Planet of the Apes only scalier.
posted by beerperson at 8:17 AM on March 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


Well they CAN'T let him go now -- the other gators will tease him mercilessly!
posted by Celsius1414 at 8:20 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Oh man, I am not using the bathroom after that guy.
posted by saulgoodman at 8:21 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm sure it's just an automatic title-to-URL parser, but I was really let down after seeing: www.nydailynews.com/news/national/florida-woman-fighting-trained-pet-alligator-article-1.2565083
posted by Etrigan at 8:21 AM on March 18, 2016 [13 favorites]




This is exactly like Dawn of the Planet of the Apes only scalier.

Rambo understands sign language. Pass it on.
posted by uraniumwilly at 8:24 AM on March 18, 2016


According to Kroboth, feeding alligators isn’t only dangerous for humans and pets but for the reptiles themselves; if they’re not afraid of people, they can’t be released into the wild.

If there isn’t an alligator farm willing to take them, the animals have to be put down.

“Last year the farm was full,” said Kroboth, “so if today was still last year this alligator… he wouldn't make it. He'd have to be put down. Don't feed alligators so we can keep animals like this alive!

posted by bukvich at 8:29 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Don't feed alligators so we can keep animals like this alive! because that's how you get more alligators!
posted by Etrigan at 8:31 AM on March 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


He's like my son.

Judging by the pic on the bottom--Lady, that's one ugly kid!


Is it only in Florida that people think it's a good idea to pose your newborn with a carvorinous six foot reptile?

“When there’s kids around...he closes his mouth real tight so the kids can’t get their fingers inside...

He clamps his jaws tight to avoid the temptation.
...the tasty, tasty temptation.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:41 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


She should put him in a vest. Then they can form a detective agency...and he can be the lead investigator.
posted by ian1977 at 8:41 AM on March 18, 2016 [79 favorites]




Oh well. See you later, alligator.
posted by Splunge at 8:43 AM on March 18, 2016 [10 favorites]


I don't know if this would cheer her up or make her sad but she should watch it either way.
posted by ian1977 at 8:44 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


I came in here to make fun of this, but after reading the article all I can say is I am amazed at the strangeness of life, and marveling yet again at how little we people seem to know about the inner lives and capabilities of animals. (Of course, I would have thought similarly about that pet gorilla who eventually ripped a woman's face off. But even still. Whoa.)
posted by sallybrown at 8:52 AM on March 18, 2016 [13 favorites]


Then they can form a detective agency...and he can be the lead investigator.

And whenever he gets frustrated by red tape or a misleading client, he can throw up his tiny arms and say "What a croc!"
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:55 AM on March 18, 2016 [56 favorites]


"You can really sink your teeth into a case like this"
posted by ian1977 at 8:58 AM on March 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


sallybrown, I thought of that, too--this is the story that came to mind. Add it to your instapaper or longreads or whatever. It takes forever but ends up being worth it.

tl;dr you think you know what that wild animal is thinking, but you are wrong.
posted by radicalawyer at 8:58 AM on March 18, 2016 [8 favorites]


Poor Rambo. Hopefully alligators don't get depressed when separated from their adopted families like pigs do.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:00 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


"My one regret is that I never got to eat that strange lady"
posted by ian1977 at 9:03 AM on March 18, 2016 [41 favorites]


Went looking for a confederate flag on Florida woman with housebroken pet alligator.

Was not disappointed.
posted by Mooski at 9:09 AM on March 18, 2016 [11 favorites]


I guess you can't shrink a gator?
posted by mantecol at 9:09 AM on March 18, 2016


“When there’s kids around...he closes his mouth real tight so the kids can’t get their fingers inside..."

Oh lady. Children activate the alligator's bite reflex.
posted by zennie at 9:17 AM on March 18, 2016


Yeah, these things don't usually end well. It wasn't that long ago Florida DCF was taking some serious shit about some parent of a small child having had a python or boa or some other large snake that they kept in a tank that got out and killed the child. They knew about it and didn't do anything other than advise the woman who owned the snake to secure the tank with more than the cardboard set on top she had been using.

It sounds like this lady doesn't have kids and lives in a relatively rural area so I don't really see a huge problem with her keeping it. The stupid thing is that the law allows her to own a gator at all outside of a farming context, but it does, so I don't see what is gained by making her give it up because of a growth spurt. It will be sad when it eventually kills her or one or more of her dogs, but she's a grown-ass woman and dogs are considered property under state law, so that risk should be hers to take at this point, IMO.
posted by wierdo at 9:20 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


I don't know, he sounds very unusual. I feel bad for her. She saved him and cares for him, leave her alone.
posted by agregoli at 9:28 AM on March 18, 2016 [15 favorites]


She should be friends with the lady who just got shot by her toddler. Or at least Facebook friends.

Having said that, I want to mount that mother/son picture of them on their cycles above my fireplace.
posted by archimago at 9:51 AM on March 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


posted by terrapin

it's amphibious reptiles all the way down
posted by mwhybark at 10:00 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


This is why people shouldn't own undomesticatable animals that can grow this big. Even when they are tiny and cute.

It sounds like she did the right thing at first, getting those animals out of the unsuitable conditions, but she had to know that Rambo was going to get big -- that's what these animals do.

That being said, it sounds like, in this case, at this point, maybe Rambo's special needs are a better fit for her house (on not enough land) versus at a refuge or something. Hopefully the Fish and Wildlife folks use their brains in deciding what should happen to Rambo.

Even thought it may have led to a much shorter life for him, I can't say that it wouldn't have been better if he was surrendered right from the beginning and no one had a chance to form bonds.
posted by sparklemotion at 10:06 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


This is pretty sad.... OTOH, watching Rambo chomp up a dog or one of the kids you're posing him with would probably be sadder. So.... I have mixed feelings. I agree that she probably doesn't know Rambo as well as she thinks she does. There are a lot of weird statements in that article.
posted by Fig at 10:08 AM on March 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


My long-held understanding of alligators is that they are very stupid animals with very simple brains. Too stupid and simple for anything as challenging as being potty-trained, let alone following commands. My long-held understanding of humans is that we are so desperate for emotional connection that we can interpret even the inanimate as sentient and loving. Too needy and smart not to inhabit elaborate fantasies of companionship.

All the same, I'd love to hear more about this alligator, see if there's any chance he really is trained to any extent. That would be something.
posted by meese at 10:09 AM on March 18, 2016 [9 favorites]


Friends Requests

IKEA Monkey
2 mutual friends

[CONFIRM] [DELETE REQUEST]
posted by Kabanos at 10:16 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


I would watch an Incredible Journey sequel starring this gator.
posted by echocollate at 10:17 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


A trainer at a gator park once told me that he taught an alligator five verbal commands -- though I imagine there is some physical prompting too. There are a couple of examples on YouTube of "come" "stay" and "smile" (which probably translate to the gator as "come get food", "where's the food?", and "put the food in my mouth now")

I dunno about their socialization needs, but I'd bet a marshmallow and a heat lamp will soothe any existential angst Rambo might have.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 10:22 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


People don't really have much in the way of expectations for animals here...yes, she probably interprets the gator's behavior more than he has "learned" any thing, but she is in a FAR better position to know how he will behave towards anyone, including children or pets, than any of us. I am comfortable with her assesment and sad she may lose him. And sad he may lose her.
posted by agregoli at 10:27 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


I don't know. Snakes have social lives and special friends, and I doubt they have much more complicated brains than alligators.
posted by tavella at 10:28 AM on March 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


I'd have a bit of sympathy for the woman if she didn't have it dressed in horrible outfits and propped up for countless photo ops in uncomfortable looking positions.

If she gets to keep it, I can't see how it ends without someone losing an important body part and then her saying "Well, he's never done anything like that before!".

I'm pretty sure this woman is enjoying the attention a lot more than the gator.
posted by ReluctantViking at 10:34 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


I would watch an Incredible Journey sequel starring this gator.

I would like a new handbag.
posted by orange swan at 10:34 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


It was a dark and scaly night, the kind of night that's full of egrets and can only be tamed by strong alcohol and weak morals. The lady stood in my doorway like a bad memory, and I wondered if she was here to try to make a monkey out of me.

“He’s like my son. He’s my family,” she said, and I hoped her family wasn't anything like mine. Taking this case could wind up with me as carry-on luggage or a nice pair of shoes, and I said so. In sign language.

Then she held up the yippy dog in the sailor suit. I bit down on my back molars. Stupid reflex.

"You're the only one who can help me," she said, and I decided right then to take the case. After all, she'd brought the snacks. As I made my way to my ATV, I wondered what Skippy would taste like.

Success, probably. It'd make a nice change.

posted by scrump at 10:48 AM on March 18, 2016 [28 favorites]


As a former Floridian, and alumnus of the university most likely to have alligators wandering the campus, you don't get close to them, and you don't let them in your house!

As the University mascot at UF, those beasties are all over the lowland parts of campus and are protected. But for the love of crackers, you don't play with them.

There were two 7-footers known as Tom and Jerry who would occassionally block the path linking the engineering campus to the main communter parking lot. In my experience not even the boldest of students ever attempted to just try jumping over them.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:55 AM on March 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'm not unsympathetic, but other people's right to not die horribly to your pet trumps your right to keep a large, dangerous predator as a pet.
posted by Mitrovarr at 10:57 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


she is in a FAR better position to know how he will behave towards anyone

Yeah, no. The people who do shit like this are basically narcissists. They don't know a goddamned thing about the animals they're keeping, because it's not about the animal. It's about being the kind of person who keeps dangerous animals.

Fox used to do good business airing home videos of these people when the inevitable happened.
posted by tobascodagama at 11:21 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


I think there is something wrong with that gator. They aren't usually limp and bendy like that. She may be right that he has a serious health issue, it my also be why he's not aggressive. I wonder how mobile and able to eat on his own he really is, can he walk, run and bite like a normal gator.
posted by fshgrl at 11:29 AM on March 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


What she needs is to get an abro-gator to repeal the law.
posted by BrotherCaine at 11:32 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Beings I am concerned about in this situation:

1. Her dogs or any other people (especially kids) who are in the vicinity of this gator on the day when it decides to try a bite.

2. The gator itself, because that's just an undignified way to live, and also: no lady gators.

3. Her.
posted by emjaybee at 11:33 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


And why isn't he in a LaCoste polo??????
posted by ian1977 at 11:36 AM on March 18, 2016 [12 favorites]


There were two 7-footers known as Tom and Jerry who would occassionally block the path linking the engineering campus to the main communter parking lot. In my experience not even the boldest of students ever attempted to just try jumping over them.

Did this college somehow not have Frogger?
posted by beerperson at 11:36 AM on March 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


Did this college somehow not have Frogger?

Between that and Pitfall, the early '80s were a bloodbath for comp sci students.
posted by Etrigan at 11:45 AM on March 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


ReluctantViking: "I'd have a bit of sympathy for the woman if she didn't have it dressed in horrible outfits and propped up for countless photo ops in uncomfortable looking positions.

If she gets to keep it, I can't see how it ends without someone losing an important body part and then her saying "Well, he's never done anything like that before!".

I'm pretty sure this woman is enjoying the attention a lot more than the gator.
"

"You knew I was an alligator when you dressed me up."
posted by Splunge at 11:51 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


It's worth noting that humans are also pretty unpredictable animals that may turn on people someday, yet somehow we don't prevent people from keeping them around other humans.
posted by corb at 12:40 PM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


If it didn't take at least one of her hands off when she dressed it up like that, then either it's probably not going to get violent or it's storing up a huge vat of rage and will tear her whole family to pieces one day. I mean, just based on cats.
posted by dilettante at 12:59 PM on March 18, 2016 [7 favorites]


And why isn't he in a LaCoste polo??????

Better yet, he should have a polo shirt with a little person on the chest.
posted by briank at 1:04 PM on March 18, 2016 [28 favorites]


....somehow we don't prevent people from keeping them around other humans.

Yet.
posted by zarq at 1:06 PM on March 18, 2016


humans are also pretty unpredictable animals that may turn on people someday, yet somehow we don't prevent people from keeping them around other humans.

I'm personally sympathetic to this nice lady and her tame Alligator, and knowing that this is in my hometown does make me feel proud, but the essential nature of a seven foot death lizard with a brain the size of a cashew is to eat any living being small enough to fit and no amount of training will change that. I hate to take away her comfort animal, but I'd hate even more for it to eat one of the neighbors kids.
posted by bracems at 1:08 PM on March 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


As the University mascot at UF, those beasties are all over the lowland parts of campus and are protected. But for the love of crackers, you don't play with them.

I was at UF in the mid-90's when a poor college student walking her dog was attacked by an alligator that bit the poor dog in half. One of the photographers I worked with at the college newspaper (named the Alligator btw) was in total shock when he returned from the scene because he witnessed the 9-ft gator carefully place half the dog on a grassy patch offshore in Lake Alice for future eating. Unfortunately, animal control had to come out and remove the gator.

So yeah, pretending a 6-ft alligator is a pet and dressing it in cute clothes is a pretty good way to get your arm removed from your body.
posted by photoslob at 1:15 PM on March 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


I swear, we aren't all crazy down here. I promise.
posted by hollygoheavy at 1:15 PM on March 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


I'm assuming she has developed such a rapport with her gator that she is able to determine(in advance lol) when her gator's, more or less monthly feeding period is coming due.

Her gator will not be interested in eating her or her pets in between. Is there a risk there.
Sure. But there is a risk your bff won't lose it over something trivial and come after you with the perfume you are allergic to.
posted by notreally at 1:19 PM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


My long-held understanding of alligators is that they are very stupid animals with very simple brains. Too stupid and simple for anything as challenging as being potty-trained, let alone following commands.

I'm not so sure about that.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 1:20 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I swear, we aren't all crazy down here. I promise.

Just most of us.
posted by bracems at 1:22 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


What's crazy is that he's 15, with a mouth like that, and no braces, is what's crazy.
posted by Namlit at 1:57 PM on March 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


Does he play video games? You know, is he a... gamer?
posted by atoxyl at 3:20 PM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


At first look at the first photo I thought the gator was in a sidecar and wouldn't that be so cute?
posted by bendy at 3:53 PM on March 18, 2016


This is pretty sad.... OTOH, watching Rambo chomp up a dog or one of the kids you're posing him with would probably be sadder. So.... I have mixed feelings. I agree that she probably doesn't know Rambo as well as she thinks she does. There are a lot of weird statements in that article.

As presented in the article, she reminds me of one of my neighbors who is very sweet but has a very deep relationship with her cats and will tell you at some length about their personalities and feelings. (They are indeed very nice cats, but not obviously more intellectual or communicative than most.)

But I also agree that the gator doesn't look quite right, and it's great that she and the special needs gator seem to have a good situation. I hope that either she gets to keep him (and he refrains from eating any babies) or he does go to the gator rescue camp, where it sounds like he will also have a good life in his shade tent.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:11 PM on March 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


This is just fucked up.
posted by gatorae at 5:40 PM on March 18, 2016


I think it's interesting that she points out that he is NOT like other gators, and treating the other gators like usual only had them die, but this one survives.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:53 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


It's kind of adorable seeing a gator dressed up and posing on an ATV, and yet... I get a bad feeling from this.

She said she "adopted a pack of five gators who were kept in a cramped tank in a dark closet for the first four years of their lives, making them ultra-sensitive to light and skittish around other reptiles."

What the fuck is up with that shit? Isn't that straight-up abuse? It's like she's telling a story to back up her claim about why Rambo isn't like other gators, but it doesn't make her look good, or like she has a clue what she's doing with such an animal. She killed four of these animals under her care before figuring out that maybe what she was doing wasn't working out too well for the gators.

I get that she feels bonded with Rambo, and perhaps he enjoys his life now, but he sure didn't for the first four years he was under her care.
posted by krinklyfig at 1:42 AM on March 19, 2016


I read that as they were kept in the dark closet before she got them; ie, she rescued them from that situation.
posted by Fig at 2:31 AM on March 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


Oh... Well, hmm. Not sure if my outrage really matters, but wow I can't imagine how this story makes sense if she were that negligent.

Then again, Florida. One of my favorite Errol Morris movies is "Vernon, Florida." I think it helps illustrate why my interpretation seemed plausible.
posted by krinklyfig at 2:54 AM on March 19, 2016


this is the story that came to mind

That story is good reading, especially because it doesn't unfold as you expect it to. But...they repeatedly refer to a chimpanzee as a "monkey", I mean....come on. That's just basic knowledge that most children wouldn't get wrong.
posted by biscotti at 5:42 AM on March 19, 2016


Snakes have social lives and special friends, and I doubt they have much more complicated brains than alligators.

Also monitor lizards in zoos seem to have affectionate relationships with their keepers. The komodo dragons are like scaly, drooling pussycats.
posted by sneebler at 6:31 AM on March 19, 2016


The komodo dragons are like scaly, drooling pussycats
Well yes, that's a good analogy. I mean, ok.; drooling poison is a bit different from your everyday pussycat, but we all know that pussycats phantasize about us dropping dead one day and Hey Food.
posted by Namlit at 1:02 PM on March 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


There was a great story a few years ago about a guy in Indiana somewhere who had a heart attack and died at home. When he didn't show up for a family event, the police broke into his apartment and found his six Nile Monitor Lizards eating his corpse. That's affection: arranging to feed your friends when you're gone.
posted by sneebler at 6:29 AM on March 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


« Older Too "Joycean". This wasn't meant as a compliment   |   Resource Guide to Coming Out as Bisexual Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments