Alex Trebek: (into mirror) Who is alex trebek
March 24, 2016 2:23 PM Subscribe
[ordering cake over phone]
"and what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"do we want a talking cake?" —@KeetPotato
The 100 Funniest Jokes in the History of Twitter*
*according to GQ Magazine
"and what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"do we want a talking cake?" —@KeetPotato
The 100 Funniest Jokes in the History of Twitter*
*according to GQ Magazine
Some are pretty good, but most are just shit throwaway remarks.
posted by lmfsilva at 2:34 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by lmfsilva at 2:34 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
actually, Bon Jovi is the name of the BAND. you're thinking of Bon Jovi's monster
I liked that one a lot and the rest were so-so
posted by clockzero at 2:37 PM on March 24, 2016 [13 favorites]
I liked that one a lot and the rest were so-so
posted by clockzero at 2:37 PM on March 24, 2016 [13 favorites]
Some are pretty good, but most are just shit throwaway remarks.
I would like to subscribe to your shit throwaway remarks newsletter, sir. I believe I will find it quite humorous.
posted by redsparkler at 2:45 PM on March 24, 2016 [35 favorites]
I would like to subscribe to your shit throwaway remarks newsletter, sir. I believe I will find it quite humorous.
posted by redsparkler at 2:45 PM on March 24, 2016 [35 favorites]
I'm just loving the fact that the whole list is on one page with no pop-over/under ads or autoplaying videos.
Some of the jokes were pretty good too although I didn't get the Come to Columbus Convention Centre one.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 2:47 PM on March 24, 2016 [17 favorites]
Some of the jokes were pretty good too although I didn't get the Come to Columbus Convention Centre one.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 2:47 PM on March 24, 2016 [17 favorites]
Although the list did taper off towards the end...
posted by redsparkler at 2:47 PM on March 24, 2016
posted by redsparkler at 2:47 PM on March 24, 2016
Almost all of these are from the past year!
posted by Enemy of Joy at 2:53 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Enemy of Joy at 2:53 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Ok here are some I like that aren't on the list
--
He's making a list
And checking it twice
Then checking it 91 times
He's crippled by OCD
--
"My cat just got ran over"
You cant end a sentence with a preposition
"My cat just got ran over lol"
--
William Henry Harrison did not do a "speedrun" of the presidency. Please stop editing this article or we will have to disable your account
--
Cashier: Did you find everything okay today?
Me: I did.
Cashier: Can I interest you in the film rights to the Fantastic Four?
Me: No thanks.
--
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the "i'm not a robot" box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
--
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
--
♪ Shot thru the heart, and you're to blame ♫
♫ You're the person who shot me ♪
--
*doctor comes out*
I’m sorry he didn’t make it
“What happened?”
The surgery was a success so we poured Gatorade over him and that killed him
--
i heard someone call someone else a "six piece chicken mcnobody" yesterday and im reeling from the collateral impact
--
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
--
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer
(sorry that got long)
posted by starman at 2:59 PM on March 24, 2016 [147 favorites]
--
He's making a list
And checking it twice
Then checking it 91 times
He's crippled by OCD
--
"My cat just got ran over"
You cant end a sentence with a preposition
"My cat just got ran over lol"
--
William Henry Harrison did not do a "speedrun" of the presidency. Please stop editing this article or we will have to disable your account
--
Cashier: Did you find everything okay today?
Me: I did.
Cashier: Can I interest you in the film rights to the Fantastic Four?
Me: No thanks.
--
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the "i'm not a robot" box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
--
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
--
♪ Shot thru the heart, and you're to blame ♫
♫ You're the person who shot me ♪
--
*doctor comes out*
I’m sorry he didn’t make it
“What happened?”
The surgery was a success so we poured Gatorade over him and that killed him
--
i heard someone call someone else a "six piece chicken mcnobody" yesterday and im reeling from the collateral impact
--
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
--
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer
(sorry that got long)
posted by starman at 2:59 PM on March 24, 2016 [147 favorites]
I like your list better!
posted by Enemy of Joy at 3:02 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Enemy of Joy at 3:02 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Ha! Aggregating other people's writing without paying them, then chastising me for not giving you ad revenue? That IS a pretty funny one, GQ!
Ironically, that response is 141 characters.
posted by Celsius1414 at 3:05 PM on March 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
Ironically, that response is 141 characters.
posted by Celsius1414 at 3:05 PM on March 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
posted by ambrosen at 3:09 PM on March 24, 2016 [31 favorites]
posted by ambrosen at 3:09 PM on March 24, 2016 [31 favorites]
Some of the jokes were pretty good too although I didn't get the Come to Columbus Convention Centre one.
@drewtoothpaste has been challenging readers to ass kickings from improbable locations for some time now. This is my favorite. He even offered a printed calendar with twelve months of ass-kicking offerings, and I wish now I had one.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:19 PM on March 24, 2016 [14 favorites]
@drewtoothpaste has been challenging readers to ass kickings from improbable locations for some time now. This is my favorite. He even offered a printed calendar with twelve months of ass-kicking offerings, and I wish now I had one.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:19 PM on March 24, 2016 [14 favorites]
The list of best Twitter jokes is my Twitter feed right now and all the time. I don't think everyone knows that Twitter is a nonstop jokes machine. With some serious stuff thrown in. There is 0 "what I'm eating" content.
posted by bleep at 3:21 PM on March 24, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by bleep at 3:21 PM on March 24, 2016 [5 favorites]
OK, I'm juvenile but the unicorn one got me
posted by raider at 3:21 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by raider at 3:21 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
What I would really like to see is everybody in this list changing their name to "Pay me please GQ."
posted by solarion at 3:22 PM on March 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by solarion at 3:22 PM on March 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
I don't get the jellybean one?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:26 PM on March 24, 2016
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:26 PM on March 24, 2016
I don't get the jellybean one?
I don't know, do you?
posted by mrnutty at 3:29 PM on March 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
I don't know, do you?
posted by mrnutty at 3:29 PM on March 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I loled.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:29 PM on March 24, 2016 [39 favorites]
Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I loled.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:29 PM on March 24, 2016 [39 favorites]
I thought rather a lot of them were very funny but I am not an expert on comedy regardless of what my business card says.
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:32 PM on March 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:32 PM on March 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
Penn Badgely was funny.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:42 PM on March 24, 2016 [18 favorites]
posted by Omnomnom at 3:42 PM on March 24, 2016 [18 favorites]
I don't get the jellybean one?
I don't know, do you?
I really don't.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:47 PM on March 24, 2016
I don't know, do you?
I really don't.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:47 PM on March 24, 2016
I don't know how funny it is to other people, but respect for Frank Furter.
posted by The Bellman at 3:50 PM on March 24, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by The Bellman at 3:50 PM on March 24, 2016 [13 favorites]
100 Funniest People Who Will Unwittingly Generate Ad Revenue for GQ
posted by beerperson at 3:51 PM on March 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by beerperson at 3:51 PM on March 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
This series of tweets made me laugh the most out of anything I've seen on Twitter. (The zoom-in of the photo still kills me.)
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:53 PM on March 24, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:53 PM on March 24, 2016 [8 favorites]
Yes, you have to give props to Frank Furter for his 5-year follow-through.
But nothing from Tim "badbanana" Siedell?? No.
A few years back, as part of a paid article I wrote kind-of-about S#*! My Dad Says, I was one of several people who declared Siedell the funniest man on Twitter. He's still tweeting funny, and yet, he is not included on this list.
recently:
"Trump is what happens to a politician if you get him wet, fail to keep him away from bright light, or feed him after midnight."
"Hey New Yorkers, quick question about those Wi-Fi stations that have replaced phone booths everywhere: How do I pee in them?"
"Only one more week of fish sandwich commercials. We can do this."
"I prefer standing desks because there's more room to hide under them."
"As God is my witness, I thought Yayle only played Quidditch." (followed by multiple failed attempts to correctly spell Yale)
BIG fail, GQ. 'Gentleman's Quarterly'? More like 'Dumb Dude's Quarterly'.
Also, this is the best "Hi, X, I'm Dad" variation.
And Banksy jokes? He's become so 'no longer edgy' that he might as well change his name to "CitiBanksy".
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:55 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
But nothing from Tim "badbanana" Siedell?? No.
A few years back, as part of a paid article I wrote kind-of-about S#*! My Dad Says, I was one of several people who declared Siedell the funniest man on Twitter. He's still tweeting funny, and yet, he is not included on this list.
recently:
"Trump is what happens to a politician if you get him wet, fail to keep him away from bright light, or feed him after midnight."
"Hey New Yorkers, quick question about those Wi-Fi stations that have replaced phone booths everywhere: How do I pee in them?"
"Only one more week of fish sandwich commercials. We can do this."
"I prefer standing desks because there's more room to hide under them."
"As God is my witness, I thought Yayle only played Quidditch." (followed by multiple failed attempts to correctly spell Yale)
BIG fail, GQ. 'Gentleman's Quarterly'? More like 'Dumb Dude's Quarterly'.
Also, this is the best "Hi, X, I'm Dad" variation.
And Banksy jokes? He's become so 'no longer edgy' that he might as well change his name to "CitiBanksy".
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:55 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
I have to admit I kinda loved this one:
What do we want? CLICKBAITposted by graymouser at 3:57 PM on March 24, 2016 [28 favorites]
When do we want it? The answer will shock you.
Tweet like everyone is watching.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:59 PM on March 24, 2016
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:59 PM on March 24, 2016
Tweet like GQ needs the money.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:01 PM on March 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:01 PM on March 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
*kool-aid man busts through the brick wall of corporate hegemony* i remember when weird twitter used to mean something
posted by naju at 4:04 PM on March 24, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by naju at 4:04 PM on March 24, 2016 [10 favorites]
not so funny but SO true and SO sad. #badbananarules
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:05 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:05 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
What no Utility Limb? ( I haven't read the article or this thread and i am registerd to vote)
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:20 PM on March 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:20 PM on March 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
What no Greg Nog
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:23 PM on March 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:23 PM on March 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
This is an OUTRAGE
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:23 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:23 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
What? None of my condensed, moderately-favorited Metafilter comments made it?
posted by ckape at 4:27 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by ckape at 4:27 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
some of my favorites:
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you're all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
--
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias "Who is having alot of plight 2012]
--
They say no man is an island, but I know what I saw out there. Islandman is real.
--
Heres my idea for a cartoon for small children, hear me out, so there’s this french skunk right, and he’s horny as hell
--
*spin kicks poetry award out of old mans hands* you should have used your life strengthening your body instead of your feelings
--
wanna see something cool, kid? *opens desk drawer revealing a tiny, bustling city* oops wrong drawer *opens other drawer and there's a gun*
--
welcome to america. heres your paperwork. oh by the way, "duh" and "no duh" mean the same thing. alright, good luck out there
--
Cop: what's your height
me: 6'1"
Cop: eye color?
me: blue
Cop: a sapphire blue I'd say, mystifying...
me: what?
cop: shut the fuck up
--
(pitching the Michelin Man) hes this big white dipshit and people associate him with tires for some reason. he has no personality. no jokes
--
[first date] *emptying jar of coins into coinstar* "almost done"
so where are we going after this?
"what"
posted by mcmile at 4:37 PM on March 24, 2016 [40 favorites]
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you're all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
--
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias "Who is having alot of plight 2012]
--
They say no man is an island, but I know what I saw out there. Islandman is real.
--
Heres my idea for a cartoon for small children, hear me out, so there’s this french skunk right, and he’s horny as hell
--
*spin kicks poetry award out of old mans hands* you should have used your life strengthening your body instead of your feelings
--
wanna see something cool, kid? *opens desk drawer revealing a tiny, bustling city* oops wrong drawer *opens other drawer and there's a gun*
--
welcome to america. heres your paperwork. oh by the way, "duh" and "no duh" mean the same thing. alright, good luck out there
--
Cop: what's your height
me: 6'1"
Cop: eye color?
me: blue
Cop: a sapphire blue I'd say, mystifying...
me: what?
cop: shut the fuck up
--
(pitching the Michelin Man) hes this big white dipshit and people associate him with tires for some reason. he has no personality. no jokes
--
[first date] *emptying jar of coins into coinstar* "almost done"
so where are we going after this?
"what"
posted by mcmile at 4:37 PM on March 24, 2016 [40 favorites]
Pope Guilty: "I thought rather a lot of them were very funny but I am not an expert on comedy regardless of what my business card says."
[takes business card]
sir, this is a piece of Fruit by the Foot.
posted by boo_radley at 4:39 PM on March 24, 2016 [26 favorites]
[takes business card]
sir, this is a piece of Fruit by the Foot.
posted by boo_radley at 4:39 PM on March 24, 2016 [26 favorites]
This is the best joke on twitter. Full stop.
posted by ethansr at 4:46 PM on March 24, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by ethansr at 4:46 PM on March 24, 2016 [11 favorites]
As far as I know, no one has ever met the Foot, and that looks like no fruit I have ever seen.
posted by Literaryhero at 4:48 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Literaryhero at 4:48 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Note to the uninitiated: inclusion on this list is definitely taking into account a tweeter's body of work. All these accounts are either really popular or insanely popular (jonnysun, dril), and it's not for one tweet. As an example from the first 5, @brendlewhat didn't get 26k followers just for tweeting about a briefcase falling open.
Including multiple tweets from the same person (eg @danmentos, as good as he is) was disappointing, as well as those tweets that are just pictures with a couple words of commentary. I love that stuff when it comes through my feed, but on a 100 Greatest list? Anybody can post a picture of Kanye.
posted by smokysunday at 4:48 PM on March 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
Including multiple tweets from the same person (eg @danmentos, as good as he is) was disappointing, as well as those tweets that are just pictures with a couple words of commentary. I love that stuff when it comes through my feed, but on a 100 Greatest list? Anybody can post a picture of Kanye.
posted by smokysunday at 4:48 PM on March 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yeah, most of these are very "meh", but the Frank Furter pair made me smile. I love folks that play the long game.
posted by mosk at 4:51 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by mosk at 4:51 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Oooh sharing favorites! Here are some of mine that didn't make the list:
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Xmas is a magic time
When we decorate the boy
Every tree is dead but why
We use a boy now I don't know
CHORUS
Thank the boy
Ignore his pleas
me: Carly Rae Jepsen's new album attains an 80s pop authenticity Taylor Swift could only dream of
ISIS captor: hold on its not recording yet
Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?
*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*
Me: OH MY
Whoa just realized
F.ross
R.achel
I.oey
E.obe
N.onica
D.andler
S.ome friends
allow me to slip into something more comfortable
*backflips into an open grave*
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
"why isn't he wearing a shirt"
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
And my all-time A-number-one favorite joke on Twitter:
Autocorrect kept changing Karl Marx to TJ Maxx in my essay about TJ Maxx
posted by saladin at 4:52 PM on March 24, 2016 [36 favorites]
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Xmas is a magic time
When we decorate the boy
Every tree is dead but why
We use a boy now I don't know
CHORUS
Thank the boy
Ignore his pleas
me: Carly Rae Jepsen's new album attains an 80s pop authenticity Taylor Swift could only dream of
ISIS captor: hold on its not recording yet
Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?
*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*
Me: OH MY
Whoa just realized
F.ross
R.achel
I.oey
E.obe
N.onica
D.andler
S.ome friends
allow me to slip into something more comfortable
*backflips into an open grave*
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
"why isn't he wearing a shirt"
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
And my all-time A-number-one favorite joke on Twitter:
Autocorrect kept changing Karl Marx to TJ Maxx in my essay about TJ Maxx
posted by saladin at 4:52 PM on March 24, 2016 [36 favorites]
That Pepe Le Pew joke totally cracked me up.
posted by persona au gratin at 4:55 PM on March 24, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by persona au gratin at 4:55 PM on March 24, 2016 [5 favorites]
Rock joke, too. I needed a laugh today. Thanks.
posted by persona au gratin at 4:56 PM on March 24, 2016
posted by persona au gratin at 4:56 PM on March 24, 2016
Some are pretty good, but most are just shit throwaway remarks.
Are you familiar with the premise of Twitter?
posted by atoxyl at 5:02 PM on March 24, 2016 [15 favorites]
Are you familiar with the premise of Twitter?
posted by atoxyl at 5:02 PM on March 24, 2016 [15 favorites]
If yall like this stuff (and I almost choked I laughed so hard at the Pepe Le Pew joke), there's a book you can buy that has drawings for the (not these) Twitter jokes. It goes down to $4 from time to time, and it's pretty funny.
posted by cashman at 5:23 PM on March 24, 2016
posted by cashman at 5:23 PM on March 24, 2016
No man is an island -- but I've met one who was a peninsula.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:52 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:52 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
I developed a great Twitter joke once. Had a priest, a rabbi, a minister, a bartender, a lawyer, and the lawyer's duck. Twitter rejected it in the end; too many characters.
posted by nubs at 5:57 PM on March 24, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by nubs at 5:57 PM on March 24, 2016 [14 favorites]
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We'll do it
Humans: I haven't even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
---
After 3 months on this gum-strengthening toothpaste, your gums are invincible. They fill most of the house, sloshing around you when you walk
---
kids have you applied the minty paste to the exposed part of your skeleton? yes? well now it is time to lie down in a dark room for hours
---
Ernest Hemingway was asked, could he write a sad short story of 1 sentence? He replied with 6 words: "PIZZA PARTY CANCELED - RICKY HAS AIDS"
---
DOG VIOLINIST: if the conductor doesnt throw that stick im gonna lose my fuckin mind
---
my phone's autocomplete tried to suggest i write "i hate crimes". nice try phone i love crimes
---
no one's great like Gaston / bad at rhymes like Gaston / and bad at meter like Gaston
---
Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
---
nobody was suspicious that the Oompa Loompas already had songs prepared for each child meeting their ill fate
---
BREAKING: hickory barbecue smoke rises from the chimney. A new Dad has been elected.
---
UGH! Mein Kampf is sooooo boring! *"ARF ARF", a Jack Russell appears with a mustache and armband* WISHBONE?!
---
Obama saved 50,000 jobs at General Motors and 41,307 jobs at Specific Motors.
---
"ur dick is so small" "dude it's about how u USE it" *lifts grand piano w/ tiny dick* "this is my job now. liftin pianoes w/ my tiny dick"
---
The Jeep Cherokee uses every part of the road.
---
So far, the opening ceremony [of the London olympics] is very much how a 10-year-old would explain the UK to a 7-year-old.
---
#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie nah man its cool ive dealt with dildos this big before
---
just discovered Red Ska which is just like regular Ska but palletteswapped and slightly harder to defeat
---
Obama, crouched motionless behind the sofa, heard Boehner's footsteps draw near. He took a deep breath and shifted his grip on the Pokéball.
---
joke: a man walks into a bar and asks for punch "u'll have to wait" says the bartender "theres a line" the man looks around but no punchline
---
im crazy about u girl and im also crazy not about u but about other things like ALIENS im am insane stay away from me girl
---
Clowns to the left of me. Jokers to the right. Clowns in front; jokers behinds. Both clown and jokers above. Must escape with the formula
---
JACK BAUER SPONTANEOUSLY SHOUTING IN2 THE PHONE "I'LL BE THERE IN A TWINKLE" THEN HANGIN UP AND SILENTLY BERATING HIMSELF FOR THIRTY SECONDS
posted by DoctorFedora at 6:15 PM on March 24, 2016 [40 favorites]
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We'll do it
Humans: I haven't even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
---
After 3 months on this gum-strengthening toothpaste, your gums are invincible. They fill most of the house, sloshing around you when you walk
---
kids have you applied the minty paste to the exposed part of your skeleton? yes? well now it is time to lie down in a dark room for hours
---
Ernest Hemingway was asked, could he write a sad short story of 1 sentence? He replied with 6 words: "PIZZA PARTY CANCELED - RICKY HAS AIDS"
---
DOG VIOLINIST: if the conductor doesnt throw that stick im gonna lose my fuckin mind
---
my phone's autocomplete tried to suggest i write "i hate crimes". nice try phone i love crimes
---
no one's great like Gaston / bad at rhymes like Gaston / and bad at meter like Gaston
---
Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
---
nobody was suspicious that the Oompa Loompas already had songs prepared for each child meeting their ill fate
---
BREAKING: hickory barbecue smoke rises from the chimney. A new Dad has been elected.
---
UGH! Mein Kampf is sooooo boring! *"ARF ARF", a Jack Russell appears with a mustache and armband* WISHBONE?!
---
Obama saved 50,000 jobs at General Motors and 41,307 jobs at Specific Motors.
---
"ur dick is so small" "dude it's about how u USE it" *lifts grand piano w/ tiny dick* "this is my job now. liftin pianoes w/ my tiny dick"
---
The Jeep Cherokee uses every part of the road.
---
So far, the opening ceremony [of the London olympics] is very much how a 10-year-old would explain the UK to a 7-year-old.
---
#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie nah man its cool ive dealt with dildos this big before
---
just discovered Red Ska which is just like regular Ska but palletteswapped and slightly harder to defeat
---
Obama, crouched motionless behind the sofa, heard Boehner's footsteps draw near. He took a deep breath and shifted his grip on the Pokéball.
---
joke: a man walks into a bar and asks for punch "u'll have to wait" says the bartender "theres a line" the man looks around but no punchline
---
im crazy about u girl and im also crazy not about u but about other things like ALIENS im am insane stay away from me girl
---
Clowns to the left of me. Jokers to the right. Clowns in front; jokers behinds. Both clown and jokers above. Must escape with the formula
---
JACK BAUER SPONTANEOUSLY SHOUTING IN2 THE PHONE "I'LL BE THERE IN A TWINKLE" THEN HANGIN UP AND SILENTLY BERATING HIMSELF FOR THIRTY SECONDS
posted by DoctorFedora at 6:15 PM on March 24, 2016 [40 favorites]
This list is bad. This is the only worthwhile post on Twitter.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:19 PM on March 24, 2016
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:19 PM on March 24, 2016
No man is an island -- but I've met one who was a peninsula.
Previously.
posted by Kabanos at 6:37 PM on March 24, 2016
Previously.
posted by Kabanos at 6:37 PM on March 24, 2016
The fact that this tweet is not number one is a crime against humanity.
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
posted by fight or flight at 6:38 PM on March 24, 2016 [41 favorites]
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
posted by fight or flight at 6:38 PM on March 24, 2016 [41 favorites]
I still spontaneously think about this tweet (which came out the day that Miyazaki announced his retirement) and laugh:
No one is sadder about the Studio Ghibli announcement than the guy who has to go out back and shoot all the Totoros.
Also, just because I love Donkey Kong:
[Crate and Barrel job interview] "So why do you want to work here?"
DONKEY KONG [sweating]: I love interior design
And finally, my most recent favorite tweet:
Damn Deadpool, you just broke the fourth wall. That was like, the last wall. We're just standing in a field now. This fucking sucks man
posted by Kiablokirk at 6:58 PM on March 24, 2016 [8 favorites]
No one is sadder about the Studio Ghibli announcement than the guy who has to go out back and shoot all the Totoros.
Also, just because I love Donkey Kong:
[Crate and Barrel job interview] "So why do you want to work here?"
DONKEY KONG [sweating]: I love interior design
And finally, my most recent favorite tweet:
Damn Deadpool, you just broke the fourth wall. That was like, the last wall. We're just standing in a field now. This fucking sucks man
posted by Kiablokirk at 6:58 PM on March 24, 2016 [8 favorites]
I don't know who he is, but I've become somewhat addicted to @dafloydsta's bits, especially if Karen is involved:
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
"He hired a clown for my nana's funeral"
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[buying a used car]
SALESMAN: What if I told you this vehicle is the Batmobile?
WIFE: We're not stupid.
ME: Hold on Karen, let him finish.
[marriage counseling]
She's always getting mad at me
"There's a shark living in our pool"
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what'd you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[couples therapy]
HER: He's always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It's called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
posted by Kabanos at 7:09 PM on March 24, 2016 [26 favorites]
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
"He hired a clown for my nana's funeral"
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[buying a used car]
SALESMAN: What if I told you this vehicle is the Batmobile?
WIFE: We're not stupid.
ME: Hold on Karen, let him finish.
[marriage counseling]
She's always getting mad at me
"There's a shark living in our pool"
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what'd you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[couples therapy]
HER: He's always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It's called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
posted by Kabanos at 7:09 PM on March 24, 2016 [26 favorites]
Lunch! Let's see what mom packed. Hope it's not just a note that says I'm a punk ass buster. Ok it is that note again tomorrow is a new day.
You are my wife and I love you and I'm sorry but you are the fakest rapper in the game right now
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[GOP debate]
MODERATOR: now a question from one of our youtube comments
COMMENTER: hey fuckers eat my dick im 14
TRUMP: i'll take this one
How can I ask a guy to come "snake my drain" without giving him the wrong idea? I don't want him to think I need help with my drain
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
"feminism is a cancer" he typed, vaping and chugging mountain dew "it's killing us men." The microwave dinged, his taquitos were ready
all of my friends are really happy and successful. i have no clean forks so i cut up a hot dog with my debit card
Just discovered this stunning short story in my drafts:
Haha look at these dumbass kangaroos. That one's got her tongue out like some kind of asshole. Idiots.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn't even care if I killed someone in front of him.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I'm late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Ted Cruz: this is what i'll do to planned parenthood [tries ripping phone book in half & gives up]
Jake Tapper: the question was about iraq
[giving a tour of America]
On your right you'll see a horrific shooting in progress, and on your left a joke of an election
MY DOG THREW UP WHILE I WAS TAKING A SELFIE
I love twitter.
posted by triggerfinger at 7:14 PM on March 24, 2016 [23 favorites]
You are my wife and I love you and I'm sorry but you are the fakest rapper in the game right now
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[GOP debate]
MODERATOR: now a question from one of our youtube comments
COMMENTER: hey fuckers eat my dick im 14
TRUMP: i'll take this one
How can I ask a guy to come "snake my drain" without giving him the wrong idea? I don't want him to think I need help with my drain
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
"feminism is a cancer" he typed, vaping and chugging mountain dew "it's killing us men." The microwave dinged, his taquitos were ready
all of my friends are really happy and successful. i have no clean forks so i cut up a hot dog with my debit card
Just discovered this stunning short story in my drafts:
Haha look at these dumbass kangaroos. That one's got her tongue out like some kind of asshole. Idiots.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn't even care if I killed someone in front of him.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I'm late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Ted Cruz: this is what i'll do to planned parenthood [tries ripping phone book in half & gives up]
Jake Tapper: the question was about iraq
[giving a tour of America]
On your right you'll see a horrific shooting in progress, and on your left a joke of an election
MY DOG THREW UP WHILE I WAS TAKING A SELFIE
I love twitter.
posted by triggerfinger at 7:14 PM on March 24, 2016 [23 favorites]
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
oh god I can't breathe
posted by Countess Elena at 7:15 PM on March 24, 2016 [7 favorites]
oh god I can't breathe
posted by Countess Elena at 7:15 PM on March 24, 2016 [7 favorites]
my friend was telling me about her engagement the other day. and i was like oh cool, with what brand?
"Is your refrigerator running?"
"Hasn't decided yet," I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A "FRIDGE 2016" banner hangs above him
When in nature LEAVE only footprints and TAKE only beautiful lynx cubs to raise as noble feline bodyguards and companions.
The character limit on Twitter,
Prevents limericks — if you're a quitter.
But with one little cheat,
You can quickly defeat
(see line 1)
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Unauthorized Use
Of the Spider-Brand
Is prohibited by
The Lanham Act
Please cease! Cease and desist at once
And on the pedestal these words appear: / "PRE-ORDER NOW FOR ACCESS TO THE CLOSED BETA" / Nothing beside remains.
[flying]
PILOT:[over intercom]...your captain speaking...is this what i sound like? yikes. anyway let's go to *reads smudged palm* Cleepland
posted by creade at 7:31 PM on March 24, 2016 [19 favorites]
"Is your refrigerator running?"
"Hasn't decided yet," I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A "FRIDGE 2016" banner hangs above him
When in nature LEAVE only footprints and TAKE only beautiful lynx cubs to raise as noble feline bodyguards and companions.
The character limit on Twitter,
Prevents limericks — if you're a quitter.
But with one little cheat,
You can quickly defeat
(see line 1)
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Unauthorized Use
Of the Spider-Brand
Is prohibited by
The Lanham Act
Please cease! Cease and desist at once
And on the pedestal these words appear: / "PRE-ORDER NOW FOR ACCESS TO THE CLOSED BETA" / Nothing beside remains.
[flying]
PILOT:[over intercom]...your captain speaking...is this what i sound like? yikes. anyway let's go to *reads smudged palm* Cleepland
posted by creade at 7:31 PM on March 24, 2016 [19 favorites]
And on the pedestal these words appear: / "PRE-ORDER NOW FOR ACCESS TO THE CLOSED BETA" / Nothing beside remains.
I laughed out loud, hard
posted by DoctorFedora at 7:49 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
I laughed out loud, hard
posted by DoctorFedora at 7:49 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
I like the ones that require a visual aid:
the dogs fuckin found out about religion, call the cops. no not the regular cops
posted by teraflop at 7:57 PM on March 24, 2016 [8 favorites]
the dogs fuckin found out about religion, call the cops. no not the regular cops
posted by teraflop at 7:57 PM on March 24, 2016 [8 favorites]
It's actually kind of interesting all the different formats of jokes or comedy that can be crammed into 140 characters. If you had asked me at the dawn of Twitter, I would have predicted it would have been perfect just for traditional one-liners, with a setup and a punchline. But you see a lot of what you might just call humorous observations. There are puns, there are parodies. I tend to enjoy the little mini-skits, vignettes with or without dialogue, the sort of twitter equivalent of sketch comedy. Maybe it is just the same old ideas of comedy crammed into a new medium, but its interesting to watch how comedy is testing and evolving on twitter (like so-called "weird twitter" etc.).
posted by Kabanos at 7:58 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Kabanos at 7:58 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Five fave I still find funny after all this time:
I'm sorry your bathroom fan is so quiet.
I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don't care. She's not my real aerobics instructor.
Just tried to shazam my own fart #stevienicks
Ugh, spent half my weekend taking an online class. But the good news is now I'm a chiropractor.
i’m so fucking stressed after finding out i’m the only one who can prevent forest fires
posted by ctmf at 7:59 PM on March 24, 2016 [11 favorites]
I'm sorry your bathroom fan is so quiet.
I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don't care. She's not my real aerobics instructor.
Just tried to shazam my own fart #stevienicks
Ugh, spent half my weekend taking an online class. But the good news is now I'm a chiropractor.
i’m so fucking stressed after finding out i’m the only one who can prevent forest fires
posted by ctmf at 7:59 PM on March 24, 2016 [11 favorites]
Everyone in my high school getting slaughtered by the It Follows monster while me and my 3 friends play Magic
posted by Atom Eyes at 8:33 PM on March 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Atom Eyes at 8:33 PM on March 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
Oh thank god. Number 12. That was my first thought, "If they don't have the 5-year-in-the-making Frank Furter tweets...."
posted by Windigo at 8:46 PM on March 24, 2016
posted by Windigo at 8:46 PM on March 24, 2016
just read an article that said highly sarcastic people die younger, which is just fucking great.
Cruz: I understand, people are scared. I've seen a lot of terrified faces, lit only by a campfire or the moon reflected on my blade
Boss: Your resume is just pics of you petting dogs?
Me: That is correct.
Boss: [visibly excited] w-what's this little guy's name?
posted by chowflap at 8:48 PM on March 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
Cruz: I understand, people are scared. I've seen a lot of terrified faces, lit only by a campfire or the moon reflected on my blade
Boss: Your resume is just pics of you petting dogs?
Me: That is correct.
Boss: [visibly excited] w-what's this little guy's name?
posted by chowflap at 8:48 PM on March 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
Julieanne Smolinski has bailed on Twitter because it has become a dumpster fire but I'm still surprised she didn't make it into this list
posted by ejs at 10:25 PM on March 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by ejs at 10:25 PM on March 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
theme song meme
theme song meme
shoehorn jokes into a rhyme scheme
does it work
you tell me
with a fav or a RT
look out
also i'm dead inside
posted by ob1quixote at 10:30 PM on March 24, 2016 [8 favorites]
theme song meme
shoehorn jokes into a rhyme scheme
does it work
you tell me
with a fav or a RT
look out
also i'm dead inside
posted by ob1quixote at 10:30 PM on March 24, 2016 [8 favorites]
I don't get the jellybean one?--Mister Moofoo
I have no idea what this jokes means, but I laughed. I guess the question is, if this happened to you, someone ran up to you and said "Excuse me sir, I..." then his briefcase full of jellybeans spilled out, would you:
1. Run screaming. "AAAAHH!, RUN AWAY!"
2. Laugh
3. Start mentally counting all the jelly beans.
4. Wonder what you are going to have for dinner, because you just had Chinese food last night so you couldn't possibly have it again tonight.
I'm at #2. If you are at #4, then maybe so many absurd funny things happen to you every day that this one just doesn't interest you.
posted by eye of newt at 12:25 AM on March 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
I have no idea what this jokes means, but I laughed. I guess the question is, if this happened to you, someone ran up to you and said "Excuse me sir, I..." then his briefcase full of jellybeans spilled out, would you:
1. Run screaming. "AAAAHH!, RUN AWAY!"
2. Laugh
3. Start mentally counting all the jelly beans.
4. Wonder what you are going to have for dinner, because you just had Chinese food last night so you couldn't possibly have it again tonight.
I'm at #2. If you are at #4, then maybe so many absurd funny things happen to you every day that this one just doesn't interest you.
posted by eye of newt at 12:25 AM on March 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
I read the jellybean thing as trying to act like a respectable adult, only to have the latch on your briefcase fail causing your immaturity to become visible to all in the form of colorful candies quickly covering the floor. But maybe I'm projecting.
posted by ckape at 1:40 AM on March 25, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by ckape at 1:40 AM on March 25, 2016 [8 favorites]
I could only process it as an embarrassing jellybean salesman sample case mishap.
If it's straight up absurdism, that's cool, too, it just didn't blow my hair back or anything.
Like I could imagine it happening in the middle of an episode of Louie, I guess, but it's like a description of a sight gag, rather than, I dunno, clever wordplay.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:46 AM on March 25, 2016
If it's straight up absurdism, that's cool, too, it just didn't blow my hair back or anything.
Like I could imagine it happening in the middle of an episode of Louie, I guess, but it's like a description of a sight gag, rather than, I dunno, clever wordplay.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:46 AM on March 25, 2016
Nah I think it's pretty clearly a continuation on the young millennial meme of pretending to be an adult but being a kid. See the briefcase says "serious business" but the jelly beans expose the lie.
posted by RustyBrooks at 5:52 AM on March 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by RustyBrooks at 5:52 AM on March 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
The punchline about the jellybean briefcase is people explaining it later.
posted by entropone at 6:09 AM on March 25, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by entropone at 6:09 AM on March 25, 2016 [6 favorites]
The punchline about the jellybean briefcase is people explaining it later.
"The jellybeans were in *you* all along!" said with worry by my proctologist
posted by FatherDagon at 8:06 AM on March 25, 2016 [10 favorites]
"The jellybeans were in *you* all along!" said with worry by my proctologist
posted by FatherDagon at 8:06 AM on March 25, 2016 [10 favorites]
We're not there on the jellybean thing yet guys, keep going
posted by superfluousm at 8:29 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by superfluousm at 8:29 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
can someone explain the jellybeans thing to me, but for sake of the explanation pretend that you are a humorless weirdo
posted by beerperson at 9:03 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by beerperson at 9:03 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
I would like my explanation of the jellybeans tweet in the voice of Werner Herzog, please
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:07 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:07 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
SAMMY RHODES: i said "instagram is facebook in skinny jeans" and everyone laughed
HERZOG: this man was born with a sickness of the soul.
[tweet by @swarthyvillian, account got suspended so I can't link to the tweet]
posted by smokysunday at 9:14 AM on March 25, 2016
HERZOG: this man was born with a sickness of the soul.
[tweet by @swarthyvillian, account got suspended so I can't link to the tweet]
posted by smokysunday at 9:14 AM on March 25, 2016
briefcase = Wall Street
jellybeans = Ronald Reagan
The joke was exposing Hillary's lies
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:17 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
jellybeans = Ronald Reagan
The joke was exposing Hillary's lies
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:17 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
I can tell it's a good list: there's nothing from Rob Delaney.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 9:22 AM on March 25, 2016
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 9:22 AM on March 25, 2016
The Harvard Business School one is probably my favorite joke ever.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:31 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Chrysostom at 9:31 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
Literaryhero: "As far as I know, no one has ever met the Foot, and that looks like no fruit I have ever seen."
in reality, Fruit by the Foot is a small seaside village in Wales.
posted by boo_radley at 10:15 AM on March 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
in reality, Fruit by the Foot is a small seaside village in Wales.
posted by boo_radley at 10:15 AM on March 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
barista: can i get your name please
me: john, with an "h"
(3 min later)
barista: HJON?
posted by entropone at 10:29 AM on March 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
me: john, with an "h"
(3 min later)
barista: HJON?
posted by entropone at 10:29 AM on March 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
I sent one of these to my girlfriend and she asked "how could a falcon breakdance on someone's shoulder?"
posted by orme at 10:56 AM on March 25, 2016
posted by orme at 10:56 AM on March 25, 2016
This list is tragically flawed because it contains only one Patricia Lockwood tweet (admittedly it's a good one, although maybe not as good as the short story about Franzen)
But I will never not laugh at
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety
and yes the omission of "I am four eels" is unforgivable.
posted by karayel at 2:51 PM on March 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
But I will never not laugh at
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety
and yes the omission of "I am four eels" is unforgivable.
posted by karayel at 2:51 PM on March 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
The suitcase thing made sense to me because (pre-9/11, when I was too young to go to the bar) we would go do silly things at the airport. Once, we filled a suitcase with plastic utensils and a couple rolls of toilet paper and "accidentally" opened it up a few times (in view of people, but not in their way). It was funny, but, jelly beans would be funnier.
posted by MsDaniB at 3:03 PM on March 25, 2016
posted by MsDaniB at 3:03 PM on March 25, 2016
I think you guys are overthinking a briefcase of beans.
posted by Kabanos at 5:11 PM on March 25, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by Kabanos at 5:11 PM on March 25, 2016 [11 favorites]
I must see the whole sequence of events leading up to the jelly beans.
posted by aroweofshale at 5:39 PM on March 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by aroweofshale at 5:39 PM on March 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
I was brought up Catholic but also extremely sheltered, so today I celebrate the day Christ went to a farm.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 7:38 PM on March 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by the duck by the oboe at 7:38 PM on March 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing—
DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates
This is ethansr's link.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:48 AM on March 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates
This is ethansr's link.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:48 AM on March 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
I read this as Dwight Schrute:
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
posted by avalonian at 1:30 PM on March 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
posted by avalonian at 1:30 PM on March 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
Spider flan
Spider flan
Who the hell cooked
A spider flan
Cut a slice
Then despair
Eggy spiders
Everywhere
It's gross
Who made a spider flan
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
posted by cadge at 12:29 AM on March 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
Spider flan
Who the hell cooked
A spider flan
Cut a slice
Then despair
Eggy spiders
Everywhere
It's gross
Who made a spider flan
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
posted by cadge at 12:29 AM on March 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
https://twitter.com/donoldduck is still an understated comedy gem
posted by DoctorFedora at 11:52 PM on March 28, 2016
posted by DoctorFedora at 11:52 PM on March 28, 2016
On twiter by severely depressed:
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety
I just laughed until I made myself sad.
posted by Tarumba at 5:32 AM on March 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety
I just laughed until I made myself sad.
posted by Tarumba at 5:32 AM on March 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
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posted by prize bull octorok at 2:30 PM on March 24, 2016 [17 favorites]