Alex Trebek: (into mirror) Who is alex trebek
March 24, 2016 2:23 PM   Subscribe

[ordering cake over phone]
"and what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"do we want a talking cake?" @KeetPotato

The 100 Funniest Jokes in the History of Twitter*
*according to GQ Magazine
posted by Atom Eyes (96 comments total) 87 users marked this as a favorite
 
it's funny how you can take a song, a movie, or a joke that I like and as soon as you put it in a top 100 list curated by a major publication I hate it forever
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:30 PM on March 24, 2016 [16 favorites]


Some are pretty good, but most are just shit throwaway remarks.
posted by lmfsilva at 2:34 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


actually, Bon Jovi is the name of the BAND. you're thinking of Bon Jovi's monster

I liked that one a lot and the rest were so-so
posted by clockzero at 2:37 PM on March 24, 2016 [13 favorites]


Some are pretty good, but most are just shit throwaway remarks.

I would like to subscribe to your shit throwaway remarks newsletter, sir. I believe I will find it quite humorous.
posted by redsparkler at 2:45 PM on March 24, 2016 [35 favorites]


I'm just loving the fact that the whole list is on one page with no pop-over/under ads or autoplaying videos.

Some of the jokes were pretty good too although I didn't get the Come to Columbus Convention Centre one.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 2:47 PM on March 24, 2016 [16 favorites]


Please disable your ad blocker.

Ha! Aggregating other people's writing without paying them, then chastising me for not giving you ad revenue? That IS a pretty funny one, GQ!
posted by Greg Nog at 2:47 PM on March 24, 2016 [113 favorites]


Although the list did taper off towards the end...
posted by redsparkler at 2:47 PM on March 24, 2016


Almost all of these are from the past year!
posted by Enemy of Joy at 2:53 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]




I like your list better!
posted by Enemy of Joy at 3:02 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


Ha! Aggregating other people's writing without paying them, then chastising me for not giving you ad revenue? That IS a pretty funny one, GQ!

Ironically, that response is 141 characters.
posted by Celsius1414 at 3:05 PM on March 24, 2016 [5 favorites]




Some of the jokes were pretty good too although I didn't get the Come to Columbus Convention Centre one.

@drewtoothpaste has been challenging readers to ass kickings from improbable locations for some time now. This is my favorite. He even offered a printed calendar with twelve months of ass-kicking offerings, and I wish now I had one.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:19 PM on March 24, 2016 [14 favorites]


The list of best Twitter jokes is my Twitter feed right now and all the time. I don't think everyone knows that Twitter is a nonstop jokes machine. With some serious stuff thrown in. There is 0 "what I'm eating" content.
posted by bleep at 3:21 PM on March 24, 2016 [5 favorites]


OK, I'm juvenile but the unicorn one got me
posted by raider at 3:21 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


What I would really like to see is everybody in this list changing their name to "Pay me please GQ."
posted by solarion at 3:22 PM on March 24, 2016 [4 favorites]


I don't get the jellybean one?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:26 PM on March 24, 2016


I don't get the jellybean one?

I don't know, do you?
posted by mrnutty at 3:29 PM on March 24, 2016 [4 favorites]


WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.


I loled.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:29 PM on March 24, 2016 [38 favorites]


I thought rather a lot of them were very funny but I am not an expert on comedy regardless of what my business card says.
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:32 PM on March 24, 2016 [3 favorites]


Penn Badgely was funny.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:42 PM on March 24, 2016 [18 favorites]


I don't get the jellybean one?

I don't know, do you?


I really don't.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:47 PM on March 24, 2016


Me too neither.
posted by StephenB at 3:49 PM on March 24, 2016


I don't know how funny it is to other people, but respect for Frank Furter.
posted by The Bellman at 3:50 PM on March 24, 2016 [13 favorites]


100 Funniest People Who Will Unwittingly Generate Ad Revenue for GQ
posted by beerperson at 3:51 PM on March 24, 2016 [3 favorites]


This series of tweets made me laugh the most out of anything I've seen on Twitter. (The zoom-in of the photo still kills me.)
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:53 PM on March 24, 2016 [8 favorites]


Yes, you have to give props to Frank Furter for his 5-year follow-through.

But nothing from Tim "badbanana" Siedell?? No.

A few years back, as part of a paid article I wrote kind-of-about S#*! My Dad Says, I was one of several people who declared Siedell the funniest man on Twitter. He's still tweeting funny, and yet, he is not included on this list.

recently:
"Trump is what happens to a politician if you get him wet, fail to keep him away from bright light, or feed him after midnight."
"Hey New Yorkers, quick question about those Wi-Fi stations that have replaced phone booths everywhere: How do I pee in them?"
"Only one more week of fish sandwich commercials. We can do this."
"I prefer standing desks because there's more room to hide under them."
"As God is my witness, I thought Yayle only played Quidditch." (followed by multiple failed attempts to correctly spell Yale)

BIG fail, GQ. 'Gentleman's Quarterly'? More like 'Dumb Dude's Quarterly'.

Also, this is the best "Hi, X, I'm Dad" variation.

And Banksy jokes? He's become so 'no longer edgy' that he might as well change his name to "CitiBanksy".
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:55 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


I have to admit I kinda loved this one:
What do we want? CLICKBAIT

When do we want it? The answer will shock you.
posted by graymouser at 3:57 PM on March 24, 2016 [27 favorites]


Tweet like everyone is watching.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:59 PM on March 24, 2016


Tweet like GQ needs the money.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:01 PM on March 24, 2016 [2 favorites]


*kool-aid man busts through the brick wall of corporate hegemony* i remember when weird twitter used to mean something
posted by naju at 4:04 PM on March 24, 2016 [10 favorites]


not so funny but SO true and SO sad. #badbananarules
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:05 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


What no Utility Limb? ( I haven't read the article or this thread and i am registerd to vote)
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:20 PM on March 24, 2016 [4 favorites]


What no Greg Nog
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:23 PM on March 24, 2016 [6 favorites]


This is an OUTRAGE
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:23 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


What? None of my condensed, moderately-favorited Metafilter comments made it?
posted by ckape at 4:27 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]




Pope Guilty: "I thought rather a lot of them were very funny but I am not an expert on comedy regardless of what my business card says."

[takes business card]
sir, this is a piece of Fruit by the Foot.
posted by boo_radley at 4:39 PM on March 24, 2016 [26 favorites]


This is the best joke on twitter. Full stop.
posted by ethansr at 4:46 PM on March 24, 2016 [11 favorites]


As far as I know, no one has ever met the Foot, and that looks like no fruit I have ever seen.
posted by Literaryhero at 4:48 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


Note to the uninitiated: inclusion on this list is definitely taking into account a tweeter's body of work. All these accounts are either really popular or insanely popular (jonnysun, dril), and it's not for one tweet. As an example from the first 5, @brendlewhat didn't get 26k followers just for tweeting about a briefcase falling open.

Including multiple tweets from the same person (eg @danmentos, as good as he is) was disappointing, as well as those tweets that are just pictures with a couple words of commentary. I love that stuff when it comes through my feed, but on a 100 Greatest list? Anybody can post a picture of Kanye.
posted by smokysunday at 4:48 PM on March 24, 2016 [2 favorites]


Yeah, most of these are very "meh", but the Frank Furter pair made me smile. I love folks that play the long game.
posted by mosk at 4:51 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]




That Pepe Le Pew joke totally cracked me up.
posted by persona au gratin at 4:55 PM on March 24, 2016 [5 favorites]


Rock joke, too. I needed a laugh today. Thanks.
posted by persona au gratin at 4:56 PM on March 24, 2016


Some are pretty good, but most are just shit throwaway remarks.

Are you familiar with the premise of Twitter?
posted by atoxyl at 5:02 PM on March 24, 2016 [16 favorites]


If yall like this stuff (and I almost choked I laughed so hard at the Pepe Le Pew joke), there's a book you can buy that has drawings for the (not these) Twitter jokes. It goes down to $4 from time to time, and it's pretty funny.
posted by cashman at 5:23 PM on March 24, 2016


Japan's best twitter joke.
posted by yeolcoatl at 5:33 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


No man is an island -- but I've met one who was a peninsula.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:52 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


I developed a great Twitter joke once. Had a priest, a rabbi, a minister, a bartender, a lawyer, and the lawyer's duck. Twitter rejected it in the end; too many characters.
posted by nubs at 5:57 PM on March 24, 2016 [13 favorites]


Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We'll do it
Humans: I haven't even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

---
After 3 months on this gum-strengthening toothpaste, your gums are invincible. They fill most of the house, sloshing around you when you walk
---
kids have you applied the minty paste to the exposed part of your skeleton? yes? well now it is time to lie down in a dark room for hours
---
Ernest Hemingway was asked, could he write a sad short story of 1 sentence? He replied with 6 words: "PIZZA PARTY CANCELED - RICKY HAS AIDS"
---
DOG VIOLINIST: if the conductor doesnt throw that stick im gonna lose my fuckin mind
---
my phone's autocomplete tried to suggest i write "i hate crimes". nice try phone i love crimes
---
no one's great like Gaston / bad at rhymes like Gaston / and bad at meter like Gaston
---
Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
---
nobody was suspicious that the Oompa Loompas already had songs prepared for each child meeting their ill fate
---
BREAKING: hickory barbecue smoke rises from the chimney. A new Dad has been elected.
---
UGH! Mein Kampf is sooooo boring! *"ARF ARF", a Jack Russell appears with a mustache and armband* WISHBONE?!
---
Obama saved 50,000 jobs at General Motors and 41,307 jobs at Specific Motors.
---
"ur dick is so small" "dude it's about how u USE it" *lifts grand piano w/ tiny dick* "this is my job now. liftin pianoes w/ my tiny dick"
---
The Jeep Cherokee uses every part of the road.
---
So far, the opening ceremony [of the London olympics] is very much how a 10-year-old would explain the UK to a 7-year-old.
---
#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie nah man its cool ive dealt with dildos this big before
---
just discovered Red Ska which is just like regular Ska but palletteswapped and slightly harder to defeat
---
Obama, crouched motionless behind the sofa, heard Boehner's footsteps draw near. He took a deep breath and shifted his grip on the Pokéball.
---
joke: a man walks into a bar and asks for punch "u'll have to wait" says the bartender "theres a line" the man looks around but no punchline
---
im crazy about u girl and im also crazy not about u but about other things like ALIENS im am insane stay away from me girl
---
Clowns to the left of me. Jokers to the right. Clowns in front; jokers behinds. Both clown and jokers above. Must escape with the formula
---
JACK BAUER SPONTANEOUSLY SHOUTING IN2 THE PHONE "I'LL BE THERE IN A TWINKLE" THEN HANGIN UP AND SILENTLY BERATING HIMSELF FOR THIRTY SECONDS
posted by DoctorFedora at 6:15 PM on March 24, 2016 [41 favorites]


This list is bad. This is the only worthwhile post on Twitter.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:19 PM on March 24, 2016


No man is an island -- but I've met one who was a peninsula.

Previously.
posted by Kabanos at 6:37 PM on March 24, 2016


The fact that this tweet is not number one is a crime against humanity.

I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
posted by fight or flight at 6:38 PM on March 24, 2016 [41 favorites]




I don't know who he is, but I've become somewhat addicted to @dafloydsta's bits, especially if Karen is involved:

[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
"He hired a clown for my nana's funeral"
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

[buying a used car]
SALESMAN: What if I told you this vehicle is the Batmobile?
WIFE: We're not stupid.
ME: Hold on Karen, let him finish.

[marriage counseling]
She's always getting mad at me
"There's a shark living in our pool"
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what'd you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

[couples therapy]
HER: He's always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It's called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
posted by Kabanos at 7:09 PM on March 24, 2016 [25 favorites]


Lunch! Let's see what mom packed. Hope it's not just a note that says I'm a punk ass buster. Ok it is that note again tomorrow is a new day.

You are my wife and I love you and I'm sorry but you are the fakest rapper in the game right now

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut


[GOP debate]
MODERATOR: now a question from one of our youtube comments
COMMENTER: hey fuckers eat my dick im 14
TRUMP: i'll take this one


How can I ask a guy to come "snake my drain" without giving him the wrong idea? I don't want him to think I need help with my drain

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER


"feminism is a cancer" he typed, vaping and chugging mountain dew "it's killing us men." The microwave dinged, his taquitos were ready

all of my friends are really happy and successful. i have no clean forks so i cut up a hot dog with my debit card

Just discovered this stunning short story in my drafts:

Haha look at these dumbass kangaroos. That one's got her tongue out like some kind of asshole. Idiots.

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn't even care if I killed someone in front of him.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I'm late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

Ted Cruz: this is what i'll do to planned parenthood [tries ripping phone book in half & gives up]
Jake Tapper: the question was about iraq


[giving a tour of America]
On your right you'll see a horrific shooting in progress, and on your left a joke of an election


MY DOG THREW UP WHILE I WAS TAKING A SELFIE

I love twitter.
posted by triggerfinger at 7:14 PM on March 24, 2016 [24 favorites]


[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]

oh god I can't breathe
posted by Countess Elena at 7:15 PM on March 24, 2016 [7 favorites]




And on the pedestal these words appear: / "PRE-ORDER NOW FOR ACCESS TO THE CLOSED BETA" / Nothing beside remains.

I laughed out loud, hard
posted by DoctorFedora at 7:49 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


I like the ones that require a visual aid:

the dogs fuckin found out about religion, call the cops. no not the regular cops
posted by teraflop at 7:57 PM on March 24, 2016 [8 favorites]


It's actually kind of interesting all the different formats of jokes or comedy that can be crammed into 140 characters. If you had asked me at the dawn of Twitter, I would have predicted it would have been perfect just for traditional one-liners, with a setup and a punchline. But you see a lot of what you might just call humorous observations. There are puns, there are parodies. I tend to enjoy the little mini-skits, vignettes with or without dialogue, the sort of twitter equivalent of sketch comedy. Maybe it is just the same old ideas of comedy crammed into a new medium, but its interesting to watch how comedy is testing and evolving on twitter (like so-called "weird twitter" etc.).
posted by Kabanos at 7:58 PM on March 24, 2016 [1 favorite]






Oh thank god. Number 12. That was my first thought, "If they don't have the 5-year-in-the-making Frank Furter tweets...."
posted by Windigo at 8:46 PM on March 24, 2016




Julieanne Smolinski has bailed on Twitter because it has become a dumpster fire but I'm still surprised she didn't make it into this list
posted by ejs at 10:25 PM on March 24, 2016 [2 favorites]




I don't get the jellybean one?--Mister Moofoo

I have no idea what this jokes means, but I laughed. I guess the question is, if this happened to you, someone ran up to you and said "Excuse me sir, I..." then his briefcase full of jellybeans spilled out, would you:
1. Run screaming. "AAAAHH!, RUN AWAY!"
2. Laugh
3. Start mentally counting all the jelly beans.
4. Wonder what you are going to have for dinner, because you just had Chinese food last night so you couldn't possibly have it again tonight.

I'm at #2. If you are at #4, then maybe so many absurd funny things happen to you every day that this one just doesn't interest you.
posted by eye of newt at 12:25 AM on March 25, 2016 [2 favorites]


I read the jellybean thing as trying to act like a respectable adult, only to have the latch on your briefcase fail causing your immaturity to become visible to all in the form of colorful candies quickly covering the floor. But maybe I'm projecting.
posted by ckape at 1:40 AM on March 25, 2016 [8 favorites]


I could only process it as an embarrassing jellybean salesman sample case mishap.
If it's straight up absurdism, that's cool, too, it just didn't blow my hair back or anything.
Like I could imagine it happening in the middle of an episode of Louie, I guess, but it's like a description of a sight gag, rather than, I dunno, clever wordplay.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:46 AM on March 25, 2016


Nah I think it's pretty clearly a continuation on the young millennial meme of pretending to be an adult but being a kid. See the briefcase says "serious business" but the jelly beans expose the lie.
posted by RustyBrooks at 5:52 AM on March 25, 2016 [2 favorites]


The punchline about the jellybean briefcase is people explaining it later.
posted by entropone at 6:09 AM on March 25, 2016 [6 favorites]


The punchline about the jellybean briefcase is people explaining it later.

"The jellybeans were in *you* all along!" said with worry by my proctologist
posted by FatherDagon at 8:06 AM on March 25, 2016 [9 favorites]


We're not there on the jellybean thing yet guys, keep going
posted by superfluousm at 8:29 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]


I think it would have been funnier with Slinkys.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:45 AM on March 25, 2016


lol
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:57 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]


can someone explain the jellybeans thing to me, but for sake of the explanation pretend that you are a humorless weirdo
posted by beerperson at 9:03 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]


I would like my explanation of the jellybeans tweet in the voice of Werner Herzog, please
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:07 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]


SAMMY RHODES: i said "instagram is facebook in skinny jeans" and everyone laughed
HERZOG: this man was born with a sickness of the soul.

[tweet by @swarthyvillian, account got suspended so I can't link to the tweet]
posted by smokysunday at 9:14 AM on March 25, 2016


briefcase = Wall Street
jellybeans = Ronald Reagan
The joke was exposing Hillary's lies
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:17 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]


I can tell it's a good list: there's nothing from Rob Delaney.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 9:22 AM on March 25, 2016


The Harvard Business School one is probably my favorite joke ever.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:31 AM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]


Literaryhero: "As far as I know, no one has ever met the Foot, and that looks like no fruit I have ever seen."

in reality, Fruit by the Foot is a small seaside village in Wales.
posted by boo_radley at 10:15 AM on March 25, 2016 [8 favorites]




I sent one of these to my girlfriend and she asked "how could a falcon breakdance on someone's shoulder?"
posted by orme at 10:56 AM on March 25, 2016


This list is tragically flawed because it contains only one Patricia Lockwood tweet (admittedly it's a good one, although maybe not as good as the short story about Franzen)

But I will never not laugh at

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety


and yes the omission of "I am four eels" is unforgivable.
posted by karayel at 2:51 PM on March 25, 2016 [4 favorites]


The suitcase thing made sense to me because (pre-9/11, when I was too young to go to the bar) we would go do silly things at the airport. Once, we filled a suitcase with plastic utensils and a couple rolls of toilet paper and "accidentally" opened it up a few times (in view of people, but not in their way). It was funny, but, jelly beans would be funnier.
posted by MsDaniB at 3:03 PM on March 25, 2016


I think you guys are overthinking a briefcase of beans.
posted by Kabanos at 5:11 PM on March 25, 2016 [10 favorites]


I must see the whole sequence of events leading up to the jelly beans.
posted by aroweofshale at 5:39 PM on March 25, 2016 [2 favorites]




SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing—
DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates


This is ethansr's link.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:48 AM on March 26, 2016 [2 favorites]


I read this as Dwight Schrute:

I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
posted by avalonian at 1:30 PM on March 26, 2016 [2 favorites]




https://twitter.com/donoldduck is still an understated comedy gem
posted by DoctorFedora at 11:52 PM on March 28, 2016


On twiter by severely depressed:

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety


I just laughed until I made myself sad.
posted by Tarumba at 5:32 AM on March 29, 2016 [3 favorites]


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