You Took That Sweater From A Dead Body
March 30, 2016 3:43 PM Subscribe
Remember Hardy Boys #58: Fucking Run, The Sun Exploded? Or the Sweet Valley Twins classic, Go Apologize To God? Relive these and other classic young adult titles, thanks to the literary archivists at Paperback Paradise.
I'm a big fan of Mary Downing Hahn, the author of Wait 'Til Helen Comes and C'mon Yo, I'm Tryin' to Take a Ghost Shit.
posted by infinitewindow at 3:52 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by infinitewindow at 3:52 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
oh my god I've read so many of these books
posted by infinitewindow at 3:53 PM on March 30, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by infinitewindow at 3:53 PM on March 30, 2016 [11 favorites]
Will Ronnie Edwards lose the biggest gamble of his life?
I had every single Sweet Valley High book and these were the actual covers. So the nostalgia is killing me, but also bahaha
posted by billiebee at 3:57 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
I had every single Sweet Valley High book and these were the actual covers. So the nostalgia is killing me, but also bahaha
posted by billiebee at 3:57 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
Okay, I had to find out where the cover of this one came from - a dog in front of a volcano - and stumbled upon these absolute gem reviews from Goodreads:
Eric: This is a book about a dog that I actually didn't care for as much as I thought I would
and *dying* this from Emily (5 1/2 years old): The book is about Jock the dog. The saddest part was all the dogs dying from the volcano. I gave it five stars because I liked it - it was fun.
posted by barchan at 3:58 PM on March 30, 2016 [21 favorites]
Eric: This is a book about a dog that I actually didn't care for as much as I thought I would
and *dying* this from Emily (5 1/2 years old): The book is about Jock the dog. The saddest part was all the dogs dying from the volcano. I gave it five stars because I liked it - it was fun.
posted by barchan at 3:58 PM on March 30, 2016 [21 favorites]
Previously: Can the Hardy Boys get over the sheer absurdity of their situation and solve the case?
posted by infinitewindow at 4:01 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by infinitewindow at 4:01 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
most of these are pretty good but "Taco Bell destroyed my anus" fits the image on the cover a little too well
posted by Hoopo at 4:02 PM on March 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Hoopo at 4:02 PM on March 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
Got My Mane Did
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:04 PM on March 30, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:04 PM on March 30, 2016 [11 favorites]
Jeez, I dreamed about Jock's Island the other day (I was in one of my elementary school classrooms and everything, or maybe just the bookshelf in one teacher's room? I can't remember) but remembered nothing about the book other than "dog" and "volcano" and had given up on ever being able to remember anything concrete about it.
Thanks, weird Twitter synchronicities!
posted by Earthtopus at 4:10 PM on March 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
Thanks, weird Twitter synchronicities!
posted by Earthtopus at 4:10 PM on March 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
Ah, it's lame. Back when National Lampoon was funny, we got the Hardy Boys, Chums in the Dark, cover and text. (Good illustrations too, if you can find the original.)
posted by IndigoJones at 4:12 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by IndigoJones at 4:12 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
Liartownusa has a whole library.
... What? How? Horsecrime.
posted by The White Hat at 4:12 PM on March 30, 2016 [16 favorites]
... What? How? Horsecrime.
posted by The White Hat at 4:12 PM on March 30, 2016 [16 favorites]
This is wrong. It ought to be a tumblr.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 4:13 PM on March 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 4:13 PM on March 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
This drawing of a dog's dick is top secret
dying
posted by Existential Dread at 4:14 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
dying
posted by Existential Dread at 4:14 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
Back when National Lampoon was funny, we got the Hardy Boys, Chums in the Dark, cover and text. (Good illustrations too, if you can find the original.)
Ah, that's awesome. I remember reading this back in the day.
I thought these were pretty funny too.
posted by My Dad at 4:16 PM on March 30, 2016
Ah, that's awesome. I remember reading this back in the day.
I thought these were pretty funny too.
posted by My Dad at 4:16 PM on March 30, 2016
Interesting choice of cover design on Taco Bell Destroyed My Anus.
It resembles a Pietà featuring John Larroquette as Mary, Jake Lloyd as Jesus, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas as the witnessing Angel.
posted by Atom Eyes at 4:16 PM on March 30, 2016 [8 favorites]
It resembles a Pietà featuring John Larroquette as Mary, Jake Lloyd as Jesus, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas as the witnessing Angel.
posted by Atom Eyes at 4:16 PM on March 30, 2016 [8 favorites]
Unrelatable White Rivalry
Fucking Run, The Sun Exploded
I love these!
posted by SisterHavana at 4:18 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
Fucking Run, The Sun Exploded
I love these!
posted by SisterHavana at 4:18 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
What is happening here? Napalm baseball? Lighting a fart gone horribly wrong? Did the Hardy Boys just pull the classic "disrupt the ballgame with surprise thermite" caper? Does the pitcher only have one arm?
posted by Existential Dread at 4:22 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Existential Dread at 4:22 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
ok the laughter is starting to get painful now
posted by indubitable at 4:22 PM on March 30, 2016
posted by indubitable at 4:22 PM on March 30, 2016
The LiartownUSA Children's Treasury of Great Bible Meetings series is outstanding.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:27 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:27 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
Bitch I See You
these faces! it's like the artists wanted these parodies to happen 30 years later.
posted by numaner at 4:29 PM on March 30, 2016
these faces! it's like the artists wanted these parodies to happen 30 years later.
posted by numaner at 4:29 PM on March 30, 2016
Something Awful's Choose Your Own Adventure books
posted by GuyZero at 4:31 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by GuyZero at 4:31 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
Holy Fuck... Gonna Let This Mother Burn...
posted by Navelgazer at 4:35 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Navelgazer at 4:35 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
Hm, Guess the Bible was Crock of Shit - Hahaha. My sister had that one. I remember reading it when I ran out of books. It was originally titled "Flying Saucer Mystery"
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:35 PM on March 30, 2016
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:35 PM on March 30, 2016
These just bring the most amazing mix of laughing my ass off and being able to smell the neighborhood library from when I was growing up. (Apparently the Dell Yearling symbol is my madeleine.) I love it.
posted by kalimac at 4:41 PM on March 30, 2016
posted by kalimac at 4:41 PM on March 30, 2016
Ah, the old days.
Almost every cover features the whitest white people in the history of whiteness.
posted by freakazoid at 4:58 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
Almost every cover features the whitest white people in the history of whiteness.
posted by freakazoid at 4:58 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
Download another dad.
posted by Divine_Wino at 5:04 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Divine_Wino at 5:04 PM on March 30, 2016 [1 favorite]
PUT YOURSELF IN JAIL, CHODESTONE
Ask the cops to put you in our deplorable prison system
posted by Iridic at 5:20 PM on March 30, 2016 [8 favorites]
Ask the cops to put you in our deplorable prison system
posted by Iridic at 5:20 PM on March 30, 2016 [8 favorites]
I thought that this one could have had a better title--something like Yee-Haw, Killin' Furriners or Cracker Jack My Fuckin' Ass.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:22 PM on March 30, 2016
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:22 PM on March 30, 2016
No, I was in the Navy. That book is pretty accurate.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 5:23 PM on March 30, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 5:23 PM on March 30, 2016 [15 favorites]
Some of my favourites were The Secret Seven Get Stuck All Going Through A Doorway At The Same Time and who can forget the classic The Famous Five Are Prowling Around In My Garden Again And I've Had Enough Of Their Bullshit with Old Farmer Haggis on the front cover blasting at them with a shotgun.
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:37 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:37 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
This did not disappoint me.
posted by bonobothegreat at 6:08 PM on March 30, 2016
posted by bonobothegreat at 6:08 PM on March 30, 2016
I wish I could stop snorting with laughter but it appears to be impossible. And now I'm sniggering again, just thinking about the ghost shit one. DAMN IT.
posted by nfalkner at 6:10 PM on March 30, 2016
posted by nfalkner at 6:10 PM on March 30, 2016
Damn, I'm not seeing my favorite "Tom Swift and his Amazing Magnetic Enema Machine."
posted by diode at 6:24 PM on March 30, 2016
posted by diode at 6:24 PM on March 30, 2016
"Tom Swift and his Amazing Magnetic Enema
"Just wait til you see it in action," Tom gushed.
posted by nubs at 6:35 PM on March 30, 2016 [37 favorites]
"Just wait til you see it in action," Tom gushed.
posted by nubs at 6:35 PM on March 30, 2016 [37 favorites]
These remind me of McCall's Pattern Behavior.
posted by fuse theorem at 6:42 PM on March 30, 2016 [17 favorites]
posted by fuse theorem at 6:42 PM on March 30, 2016 [17 favorites]
oh my god fuse theorem. I am crying reading those, thank you so much.
I got an F on my witch test.
posted by emjaybee at 7:05 PM on March 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
I got an F on my witch test.
posted by emjaybee at 7:05 PM on March 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
I remember many of these covers from my book-shelving job at the library. Uncontrollably giggling now.
posted by mogget at 7:15 PM on March 30, 2016
posted by mogget at 7:15 PM on March 30, 2016
Wrestle Me for America You Thieving White Shit
posted by zombieflanders at 7:59 PM on March 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by zombieflanders at 7:59 PM on March 30, 2016 [5 favorites]
This Liartown cover is the alpha and the omega of the genre.
posted by euphorb at 8:13 PM on March 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by euphorb at 8:13 PM on March 30, 2016 [4 favorites]
So the actual title of "Gotta Get Me Some of that Milk" is "Air Morph One: Ready for Takeoff."
Which actually makes less sense than the joke title.
posted by Naberius at 8:16 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
Which actually makes less sense than the joke title.
posted by Naberius at 8:16 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
fuse theorem: thank you, thank you, thank you.
posted by davidjmcgee at 8:51 PM on March 30, 2016
posted by davidjmcgee at 8:51 PM on March 30, 2016
Who Wants to See a Witch's Titty?
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 10:03 PM on March 30, 2016
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 10:03 PM on March 30, 2016
I cannot get over that horse's hair.
posted by teponaztli at 11:36 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by teponaztli at 11:36 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yeah, that horse was gorgeous with its freshly done mane.
Was also reminded of the inappropriateness in children's books. Childhood seems much more fun with all the experimentation going on and discovering the world with fresh eyes; no shaming for posting two selfies in a row.
posted by sapagan at 1:26 AM on March 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
Was also reminded of the inappropriateness in children's books. Childhood seems much more fun with all the experimentation going on and discovering the world with fresh eyes; no shaming for posting two selfies in a row.
posted by sapagan at 1:26 AM on March 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
Between this, Pattern Behavior and r/youdontsurf, the internet has my absurdist deadpan humor covered.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:12 AM on March 31, 2016
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:12 AM on March 31, 2016
Noooooooooo! I looked at this while visiting with my incredibly stoic in-laws. I can't keep my shit together.
send help.
posted by LegallyBread at 5:48 AM on March 31, 2016
send help.
posted by LegallyBread at 5:48 AM on March 31, 2016
I can't stop laughing at "Aw Hell Nah".
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:55 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:55 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
Hah. I had this exact edition of the The War With Mr. Wizzle: WAIT UNTIL HE STARTS THE FUCKING COMPUTER.
These are awesome.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:44 AM on March 31, 2016
These are awesome.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:44 AM on March 31, 2016
Ha, me too. I think the contemporary cover of Beware the Fish would be a good subject, too.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:40 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Chrysostom at 9:40 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
These remind me of McCall's Pattern Behavior.
That is amazing. We had so many patterns (including a few of these) when I was a kid because my mom sewed a lot of her and our clothes and the illustrations were so weird on some of them. I could do without the "you're gay" stuff, but the captions are generally pretty funny.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 9:51 AM on March 31, 2016
That is amazing. We had so many patterns (including a few of these) when I was a kid because my mom sewed a lot of her and our clothes and the illustrations were so weird on some of them. I could do without the "you're gay" stuff, but the captions are generally pretty funny.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 9:51 AM on March 31, 2016
Ha, me too. I think the contemporary cover of Beware the Fish would be a good subject, too.
Heh. Also... Go Jump in the Pool:
HEY BOOTS YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHERE I HID THE COCAINE
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:04 AM on March 31, 2016
Heh. Also... Go Jump in the Pool:
HEY BOOTS YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHERE I HID THE COCAINE
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:04 AM on March 31, 2016
And of course, This Can't Be Happening At Macdonald Hall!
Which is not the best one, but I get to use my George Wexford-Smythe III *and* Elmer Drimsdale voices when reading it to the kids.
posted by Chrysostom at 10:25 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
Which is not the best one, but I get to use my George Wexford-Smythe III *and* Elmer Drimsdale voices when reading it to the kids.
posted by Chrysostom at 10:25 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
And of course, This Can't Be Happening At Macdonald Hall!
You beat me to it!
Also, there are three more books in the series that I didn't even know existed!
posted by SisterHavana at 10:30 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
You beat me to it!
Also, there are three more books in the series that I didn't even know existed!
posted by SisterHavana at 10:30 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yeah, they aren't that great, actually. But Go Jump In the Pool is a joy forever.
posted by Chrysostom at 10:49 AM on March 31, 2016
posted by Chrysostom at 10:49 AM on March 31, 2016
PORKCHOP SANDWICHES?!
posted by indubitable at 10:52 AM on March 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by indubitable at 10:52 AM on March 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
Also, there are three more books in the series that I didn't even know existed!
I...had no idea either. All the other ones, I read and re-read to pieces.
It's a Korman one-off (no series), but I do still have my childhood copy of No Coins, Please, which has a cover ripe for a re-titling.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:34 AM on March 31, 2016
I...had no idea either. All the other ones, I read and re-read to pieces.
It's a Korman one-off (no series), but I do still have my childhood copy of No Coins, Please, which has a cover ripe for a re-titling.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:34 AM on March 31, 2016
No Coins, Please is okay. I think my favorite - even more than B&B - is the one-off I Want To Go Home. Rudy is great.
posted by Chrysostom at 12:16 PM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Chrysostom at 12:16 PM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
I wrote a letter to Gordon Korman thanking him for No Coins, Please, because my grandmother idly thumbed through my copy one day and got so hooked that she began reading for pleasure again after a forty-year hiatus.
My suggestion for an alternate title? Grownups Love Them Some Edible Lube
posted by infinitewindow at 2:48 PM on March 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
My suggestion for an alternate title? Grownups Love Them Some Edible Lube
posted by infinitewindow at 2:48 PM on March 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think my favorite - even more than B&B - is the one-off I Want To Go Home. Rudy is great.
Oh, I loved that one too. LOVED IT. Don't Care High was also good.
posted by SisterHavana at 8:47 PM on March 31, 2016
Oh, I loved that one too. LOVED IT. Don't Care High was also good.
posted by SisterHavana at 8:47 PM on March 31, 2016
A Semester in the Life of a Garbage Bag was the first novel I read with high school age characters, and it's really a marvel of YA characterization.
Plus the cover is parody-worthy.
posted by infinitewindow at 7:20 AM on April 1, 2016
Plus the cover is parody-worthy.
posted by infinitewindow at 7:20 AM on April 1, 2016
Ah, the Madeleine L'engle classic, Save Us From Coachella, Gay Angel.
posted by zabuni at 11:20 AM on April 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by zabuni at 11:20 AM on April 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
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posted by Chrysostom at 3:47 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]