Center for Corporate Studies
April 14, 2016 1:52 PM   Subscribe

Welcome to the future you. The Center for Corporate Studies is a best-of-breed, high-level institute with a core competency in leveraging the power of language to develop personal, synergistic paradigm shifts within each of our students. You’ll learn how to champion mission-critical learnings across all verticals resulting in high-yield growth, for both your organization and your personal brand. Join us. And in just eight weeks, you too will be able to write barely decipherable paragraphs that put your career in the fast lane. [via]
posted by crazy with stars (84 comments total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
 
I love when these enterprise grade learning strategies leverage the in-house knowledge and propel the individual as a personal brand, aligned of course with the main objectives of the company as a whole.
posted by kadmilos at 1:54 PM on April 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


TBH they lost me at "the future you", because I got distracted by throwing up in my mouth a little.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:02 PM on April 14, 2016 [6 favorites]


I'm totally slammed today. Can you shoot me an executive summary by COB?
posted by theodolite at 2:07 PM on April 14, 2016 [18 favorites]


what's Poe's Law for business called?
posted by Dr. Twist at 2:08 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


The optics on this are pretty good. I need to know the ask before I run it up the flagpole at the C-level. Some metrics on KPIs would be great too.
posted by double block and bleed at 2:15 PM on April 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'm so glad I don't work in Fortune 500 anymore. None of my current coworkers talk like this. I believe you'd get your ass kicked, sayin' somethin' like that
posted by double block and bleed at 2:18 PM on April 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


Can you shoot me an executive summary by COB?
I'll ping you when it's ready.
posted by MtDewd at 2:21 PM on April 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


Needs more innovation.
posted by underflow at 2:25 PM on April 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


*gets caramelized*
posted by jonmc at 2:26 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


While superficially dissimilar, the discursive mode employed herein bears parallels to the equally integral work of the Center for Academic Studies.
posted by Shmuel510 at 2:28 PM on April 14, 2016 [10 favorites]


"COB" Does that mean they write messages on corn cobs they shoot out of their butts over the tops of their cubicles? Are there contests? Are they color coded. Dude never shoot me a cob again, if you have been eating beets, 'K?
posted by Oyéah at 2:29 PM on April 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


COB == close of business == "before we go home"
posted by double block and bleed at 2:31 PM on April 14, 2016


OK then, sample email.

My salary is low and my stress is high, I want a 25% raise or I am walking with the plans for the Herkimer project.

Regards,
Soapy S. Slatherhauser


Response:

Don't shoot the puppy here.
posted by Oyéah at 2:33 PM on April 14, 2016


I'll ping you when it's ready.

Two of my bosses, including my direct one came from Fortune 500 type huge companies to our small town, 30 employee co-op.

Bossman starts speaking corporate speak to us and we were all 'what?' and then laughed at how completely dorky and out of place it sounds. "Ping me, did you ping her? When your done this ping all of us. Ping, pinggity ping." I have flatly refused to to use "ping'. It's been over a year and no one else uses it so it's become even more hilarious. Occasionally, just for fun I'll speak corporate in a meeting because the reaction I get from can be quite comical. "Wow, Jalliah knows big business words!"
posted by Jalliah at 2:34 PM on April 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


So remember the FPP's on how language was a barrier to success in the workplace for African Americans and how those who were doing well had figured out code-switching etc.

In light of that, I guess this joke is for... people who can understand corporate speak just fine but have enough economic security to choose not to do it? And who like pointing that out as a marker of some kind of authenticity?

Kind of like that Louis CK skit, but in... reverse? Converse? Ah I don't even know anymore
posted by danny the boy at 2:34 PM on April 14, 2016 [13 favorites]


COB == close of business == "before we go home"

Oh I see...Wouldn't your business pretty much close, once you shot the cob out of it?
posted by Oyéah at 2:35 PM on April 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


I used to be snobby and hate corporate speak, but now I realize that its persistence means that it probably serves some important function in the world of organizations (a world we could not live without), and I've come to enjoy observing how it changes from month to month, year to year and decade to decade. I also use it myself -- judiciously.
posted by Modest House at 2:36 PM on April 14, 2016 [6 favorites]


Has there been a serious linguistic or anthropological study of corporate speak? Maybe it's because I grew up with cyberpunk novels written in the 80s, but I find myself weirdly compelled to read more about this kind of jargony nonsense.
posted by teponaztli at 2:39 PM on April 14, 2016


I'll ping you when it's ready.

Said to me just yesterday, unironically.

[weeps soundlessly in cubicle]
posted by ryanshepard at 2:40 PM on April 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


Let's circle back and unpack this later.
posted by gottabefunky at 2:41 PM on April 14, 2016 [7 favorites]


Why do people find this species of jargon offensive (or irritating, or undesirable)?

Just to provide a contrasting view: we all use jargon of one sort or another. You MeFites, for example, have your own jargon for MeFi, which can be at times unclear (or even ridiculous) to the outsider.

I'm assuming one major factor here is the inherent dislike you have of the perceived fraudulence of the corporate world.

But, just to explain my different perspective on this: I am a corporation, incorporated and registered in Panama. And ... Well, to be honest, I hate you pimply little turd-smears, and your idiotic MeFi jargon. "Ooh let's 'Take it to MeTa' cause you're 'punching down' with your 'threadshitting' " - that's YOU losers. Whiny, whiny human beings with NO tax shields or secret bank accounts! If I had any feelings I'd feel nothing but PITY for you.

But while you're here ... are any of you interested in a high-yield corporate bond issued by an off-shore vehicle with no history of profitability? I'm, uhh ... asking for a friend.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 2:41 PM on April 14, 2016 [23 favorites]


Corporate bullshit generator
posted by lalochezia at 2:43 PM on April 14, 2016


The concept of punching down wasn't invented here.

Anyway, I love corporate jargon! I just hate corporations, and I think a lot of people hate that they're so much a part of their own corporate worlds that they've adopted the lingo without even realizing it.
posted by teponaztli at 2:43 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


If we're going to move forward on the Dracula issue we need to get some key stakeholders involved
posted by theodolite at 2:44 PM on April 14, 2016 [26 favorites]


You can leverage the stakes
posted by MtDewd at 2:45 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


TBH they lost me at "the future you", because I got distracted by throwing up in my mouth a little.

That throw up in your mouth is literally future you.
posted by srboisvert at 2:46 PM on April 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


It definitely feels like punching up to me, especially since some of it is code for ways to fuck you over.

It's more like chummy business bro doublespeak used by, say, "management consultants" who are calked in to bust unions.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:49 PM on April 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


Why do people find this species of jargon offensive (or irritating, or undesirable)?

Just to provide a contrasting view: we all use jargon of one sort or another. You MeFites, for example, have your own jargon for MeFi, which can be at times unclear (or even ridiculous) to the outsider.

I'm assuming one major factor here is the inherent dislike you have of the perceived fraudulence of the corporate world.


In my current case it's because the people involved are using it as marker of their perceived superiority. I have no problem using it when I'm in a situation where it's the norm and culture. It's just not the culture of this workplace. I've seen it used in really a snobby ways. Like it's okay little people, we know you don't understand these words, you don't need to either. It's been made very clear that they are the 'professionals' and the rest of us part of the clueless masses who if it wasn't for them would have no idea what we were doing. Heck the CEO has called the line workers no better then trained monkeys to their faces.

It's pretty annoying.
posted by Jalliah at 2:52 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


See, that's why it's hilarious to ME. This is how some suit full of boogers and hair talks to me when he wants to treat me like shit in an official professional capacity.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:54 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


I wonder if people might even find it a relief if some businessperson just straight up says to them, "I'm fucking you over now." At least it wouldn't leave you guessing.
posted by indubitable at 3:00 PM on April 14, 2016


Can we sunrise this?
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 3:10 PM on April 14, 2016


I would take this course, but right now I just don't have the bandwidth.
posted by Kabanos at 3:11 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


If you want some low hanging fruit, here is an AskMe that can be leveraged for more dynamic comments this thread.
posted by Kabanos at 3:20 PM on April 14, 2016


Use Sparingly
posted by Kabanos at 3:21 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


Does this mean "moving forward" died? Looking forward, as we move forward...
posted by Paddle to Sea at 3:21 PM on April 14, 2016


Use Sparingly

Give me a ping, Vasili. One ping only, please.
posted by AndrewInDC at 3:24 PM on April 14, 2016 [8 favorites]


One ping to rule them all...
posted by Oyéah at 3:27 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


This is almost as good as medical jargon.

Negative patient care outcome.
posted by Oyéah at 3:28 PM on April 14, 2016 [6 favorites]


Metafilter: Ping, pinggity ping
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:34 PM on April 14, 2016


You can leverage the stakes

Did that last night - leveraged a steak right into my mouth.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:35 PM on April 14, 2016 [4 favorites]


Currently my most hated corporate phrase is 'Lean In'. Nothing boils my blood more right now. A year ago just a few 'visionaries' in the company were saying it. Then people started incorporating it into more conversations and it became part of the circle jerk of pseudo-strategemerization.

I used to work for an organization that had a diagram for its meaning it was a picture of data -> information -> insight -> innovate, which in turn lead to more data. Three comments on it. #1. It was sort of eating itself. #2. Inaction may have been a better last descriptor for what was done with our work. #3. It also was shortened to DI^3 which looked a lot like 'DIE' which is what could be said about a lot of hopes and dreams.
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:44 PM on April 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


I don't really mind corporate-speak. It serves its place and it mostly consists of actually pretty understandable idioms and metaphors.

But my biggest pet peeve is people who use "moving forward" in non-corporate environments. I've had friends use this on me ("Moving forward, maybe we should get drunk and play laser tag on Tuesdays instead of Wednesdays.")

The jargon leak into Standard English bothers me more than it should.
posted by 256 at 3:47 PM on April 14, 2016 [7 favorites]


In light of that, I guess this joke is for... people who can understand corporate speak just fine but have enough economic security to choose not to do it?

Code switching just means having the ability to speak corporate jargon. It doesn't mean you like it and can't make fun of it. I fully expect most people speak it at work and make fun of it later.
posted by jpe at 3:49 PM on April 14, 2016


I like ping because I visualize it as whacking someone on the head and trying to get a noise out of them like a pitch fork.
posted by backseatpilot at 3:51 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


But my biggest pet peeve is people who use "moving forward" in non-corporate environments.

That actually bothers me less than people that use corporate jargon in more formal - typically written - work communication. I sigh audibly when reading a draft memo or presentation and see "moving forward basis" or somesuch.
posted by jpe at 3:52 PM on April 14, 2016


I used to work for an organization that had a diagram for its meaning it was a picture of data -> information -> insight -> innovate, which in turn lead to more data.

Oh, the pseudoscientific diagrams just kill me. I've been in orgs where people spend *weeks* polishing their goofy conceptual schemata.
posted by jpe at 3:54 PM on April 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


I can just ping you offline about this...
posted by unknowncommand at 3:56 PM on April 14, 2016


We call that modeling in systems engineering and people get paid good money to do it!
posted by backseatpilot at 3:57 PM on April 14, 2016


TBH they lost me at "the future you"

I kind of imagined that someone was proposing that we start declining pronouns in English, just to make grammar that much more fun. "Using the future you with past perfect? Pshaw!"
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:00 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


It definitely feels like punching up to me

Speaking of annoying jargon......
posted by jpe at 4:01 PM on April 14, 2016


I kind of imagined that someone was proposing that we start declining pronouns in English, just to make grammar that much more fun.

If that's the case, Dan Streetmentioner beat them to it.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:04 PM on April 14, 2016


Michael Lopp had an interesting article on the subject.

Rather than using it for evil purposes, many managers slip into the idiom when they get nervous about a subject. It's like they assume a different persona to protect them from something that's difficult: public speaking, lack of raises, personal issues.
posted by underflow at 4:21 PM on April 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


its persistence means that it probably serves some important function in the world of organizations

It is a display that you know the better people, are on the better mailing lists, and go to the better meetings. Behavior biologists who study apes can explain this with real science.
posted by bukvich at 4:28 PM on April 14, 2016


Pity the poor business journalist, who not only has to cope with this within their own organisation but also has to consume a daily smorgasbord of the same in press releases, interviews and statements from other companies, decoding and translating as they go.

One fellow hack was so irritated by it all, he wrote this song, shooting the video semi-clandestinely in the office. Apparently, the meeting in that room the next day was a bit confused by the flipcharts he left...
posted by Devonian at 4:37 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


I love when these enterprise grade learning strategies leverage the in-house knowledge and propel the individual as a personal brand, aligned of course with the main objectives of the company as a whole.

It's funny you say that, because my current aspiration is to strategically leverage a position in a turn-key and future-proof global marketplace, thereby utilizing the synergistic functionalities inherent to a skills ecosystem that orchestrates and proceduralizes mission-critical marketecture. Although rallying the troops is often outsourced, a strong disintermediator and change agent such as myself can empower a matrixed skill set and ramp-up the human capital, allowing a team to catch the moving train as it traverses the value stream en route to operationalizing a solid deliverable. I frequently invoke a tactical paradigm shift that focuses on promulgating leading-edge methodologies, by incentivizing team players during deep dive endeavours and pathfinder projects, in order to optimize value-add and landscape the competitive environment. By garnering low-hanging fruit, I will ultimately capitalize on the recontextualization of robust enterprise key reinforcement areas such as recognizing the criticality of monetizing scalable fiscal metrics. Also, by leaning in, mitigating show-stoppers and focusing on the long pole in the tent, I will keep from getting behind the 8 ball. Finally, I plan to hypertask, rack and stack responsibilities, and propagate enablers who can drill down into core competencies and bird-dog soft-money opportunities, all while simultaneously weaving myself a golden parachute and avoiding being surplussed.

Alternatively:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zA-KBIjGYzk&t=1m30s
posted by Palindromedary at 5:07 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


Let's not boil the ocean here...
posted by SillyShepherd at 5:09 PM on April 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


Accidentally dropping corporate-speak in casual conversation is a mortifying experience. It's a lot like sharting.
posted by duffell at 5:33 PM on April 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


It's not meaningless business jargon. Each word has a specific, technical meaning that has a big impact on the way people think about business.

the problem is, people don't communicate *which* techincal definition they are using

and the listeners, they don't know any of the definitions

and they never get around to creating a project plan

and nothing gets done
posted by rebent at 5:36 PM on April 14, 2016


Argot has a function: it defines the relationships that we are in, separate from those who are not. Almost every workplace, school, hobby, or family has some shared language distinct from outsiders, more distinct in night-shifts or isolation. Apparently (back in pre-interents times) the winter (summer) researchers in Antarctica evolved some in-group lingos and codes that baffled the re-supply arrivals.
posted by ovvl at 5:36 PM on April 14, 2016


I have a sincere question...

Is "reach out" corporate jargon (e.g., "I'll reach out to you")

I use it with most of my friends and they have no problem with it (but they are all consultants!)

I used it with my boyfriend (a teacher), and he looked at me as if I had grown a 2nd head.
posted by subversiveasset at 5:38 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


I have spent my entire career turning teams into finely tuned swear machines by slowly turning up the heat.

Like maybe at lunch the first week I'll call something shitty then after that it's just ratcheting up till my colleague calls his computer a cockmuppet and nobody knows what happens or where it started.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 6:04 PM on April 14, 2016 [7 favorites]


I need to share that I sat in on a training call with a new email marketing service, and it was such a dull conversation full of self-evident, rudimentary stuff that I started tallying my staff's neutral grunts. (We said "mmm-hmm" 39 times, but "uh-huh" only 24, for example.)

Anyway the point is I noticed that our trainer used the phrase "leverage implied consent" 7 times and that creeped me all the way out.
posted by Phobos the Space Potato at 7:01 PM on April 14, 2016 [3 favorites]


"leverage implied consent" 7 times and that creeped me all the way out."
Silent screaming out of the sales meeting.

A lot of this lingo seems to be softening of imperatives to avoid confrontation. Let's sunrise this (I am content to let you dream this is relevant to me at least for tonight.), I reached out to you, (not, I called you, what happened, you mollusk?)
posted by Oyéah at 7:07 PM on April 14, 2016 [1 favorite]


I try very hard to avoid "moving forward" because it's meaningless—it just means "in the future" or "after this,"

But it's far more actively dynamic-sounding than "next time this happens"; like the speaker is forcing the future to bend to their corporate will.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:29 PM on April 14, 2016 [2 favorites]


In fact, I've always assumed that the point of most if not all of this corporatespeak is to make the people who use it not just identify themselves with the business social structure but make them all feel dynamic and in-the-know and in control of the future - instead of the bunch of dopes in suits, bumbling around trying to figure out how to steer the corporate beast, that they actually are.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:36 PM on April 14, 2016 [5 favorites]


I have a sincere question...

Is "reach out" corporate jargon (e.g., "I'll reach out to you")

I use it with most of my friends and they have no problem with it (but they are all consultants!)

I used it with my boyfriend (a teacher), and he looked at me as if I had grown a 2nd head.


I think it is an acceptable term to use if you are a member of the Four Tops.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:48 PM on April 14, 2016 [8 favorites]


At my current job, we're all about finding the "secret sauce."

(Now imagine the Liz Lemon eye-roll GIF)
posted by Sweetie Darling at 8:09 PM on April 14, 2016


Online-Utility.org Tests Document Readability

Results for the The Center for Corporate Studies is a best-of-breed . . . sample:

Number of characters (without spaces) : 311.00
Number of words : 58.00
Number of sentences : 2.00
Average number of characters per word : 5.36
Average number of syllables per word : 1.79
Average number of words per sentence: 29.00
Indication of the number of years of formal education that a person requires in order to easily understand the text on the first reading (Gunning Fog index) : 19.88

Which is actually not as bad as I thought it was going to be before I ran the test.
posted by bukvich at 8:33 PM on April 14, 2016


I always took "moving forward" to refer to a systematic change rather than just one instance of a change. So like, if the coffee bag for the restaurant was accidentally left open it got stale, instead of just "put that in a cambro container" and assuming linear time, "moving forward, please store that in a cambro container" means that both in this situation and all future ones, do that thing. I dunno. Maybe I'm nuts.
posted by lazaruslong at 9:30 PM on April 14, 2016


My wife likes to use the term "voluntold" (when she's guilted onto a committee at church, for example), and I used it once in a meeting at work, and now our entire organization of 600+ people tries to find an excuse to drop it into conversation on at least a weekly basis. It's not corporate-speak, precisely, but it's a part of our lingo.
posted by duffell at 3:10 AM on April 15, 2016 [3 favorites]


Duffell, I've been trying to incorporate "a baby and a bathwater situation" into my conversations. My partner HATES it, which just makes it better
posted by rebent at 4:32 AM on April 15, 2016


"we need to collect this data in case we find ourselves in a baby and bathwater situation"
posted by rebent at 4:33 AM on April 15, 2016


My Google fu is failing me. In 2015 I believe an excellent post about police reporting, talked about changing "three officers shot a black man" to "the x police dept was involved in a shooting". If not for the police angle, I would have posted it on my company intranet, just because it was so very good at pointing out good writing from bad.
posted by rebent at 4:45 AM on April 15, 2016



Question, is writing emails in official sounding language with parts emphasized in ALL CAPs a common way of big corporate communication culture?

Emails like "As per the attached EMAIL chain from JALLIAH E today with ACME SUPPORT; that she identified at Noon-time; that, Closed SALES Orders were NOT being transferred to COMPANY QUICKBooks(QB);... I am told that this was NOT RESOLVED this afternoon :("

Is this common? Or a quirk of this particular person. Reading emails like this all the time is an EXPERIENCE. I'm supposing it's the idea that key info STANDS OUT to allow for quick skimming. All it does for me though is feel like someone is talking normal and then leaning forward and SHOUTING one word in my face and then leaning back again. It's funny to imagine at least.
posted by Jalliah at 5:13 AM on April 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Couple of years back I was in Budapest for a software development job. I stopped off in a nearby mall to go gift shopping for my kids, and a smiling old man got on the elevator with me. He said something to me in Magyar, which I don't speak. I gave him an embarrassed smile and said something like, "Sorry, don't speak".

He grinned big. "Ah! English?"

"Yeah. American."

His eyebrows shot up and he pointed a finger to the sky, eager to demonstrate what he had learned about American visitors.

"Aha! PRRRRRRO-JECT MANAGER!"

It was the sickest foreign-language burn ever. Both of us spent the rest of the elevator ride laughing our asses off.
posted by middleclasstool at 5:21 AM on April 15, 2016 [16 favorites]


walk with me...
posted by judson at 7:25 AM on April 15, 2016



I have a sincere question...

Is "reach out" corporate jargon (e.g., "I'll reach out to you")

I use it with most of my friends and they have no problem with it (but they are all consultants!)

I used it with my boyfriend (a teacher), and he looked at me as if I had grown a 2nd head.

I think it is an acceptable term to use if you are a member of the Four Tops.


Or INXS
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:31 AM on April 15, 2016


In fact, I've always assumed that the point of most if not all of this corporatespeak is to make the people who use it not just identify themselves with the business social structure but make them all feel dynamic and in-the-know and in control of the future - instead of the bunch of dopes in suits, bumbling around trying to figure out how to steer the corporate beast, that they actually are.
Hence using "shoot you an email," as it sounds so forceful and full of ACTION, when it's nothing more than typing a few words and hitting Send.
posted by stannate at 8:15 AM on April 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


Yes, but you have to remember to click Send dynamically and with forthright vigor!
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:17 AM on April 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


Up thread somebody mentioned "reach out" a phrase I cannot stand. I blame the TV, specifically NYPD Blue for the innoculation of meme space with this execrable little bit of hyper-drivel. It lay latent in the population till lately, only making an occasional appearance but now it seems to be everywhere. Its so full of slow talking, affected cop buff wiseguy bullshit that it makes me scream, I'm screaming now. How about "contacted" or "spoke with"??????? Did you reach out through your Rabbi????
posted by Pembquist at 10:26 AM on April 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


Did you reach out through your Rabbi?

That sounds like a gruesome process.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:56 AM on April 15, 2016 [1 favorite]


The biggest mistake I ever made in the corporate world was trying to do a good job. That's a lesson I'll never forget.
posted by gehenna_lion at 12:05 PM on April 15, 2016 [2 favorites]


Palindromedary- can I leverage your post on my next self-eval?

I may be mellowing- I'm finding 5-10% of the time I can hear the 'leverage' verb used in a way that I find somewhat appropriate.
I first OD's on it when our small VT company was bought by a much larger company in the Boston area. One of the VPs talked to us for 15 minutes and used it maybe 30 times, and possibly in every case she could have simply substituted the word 'use'. The meeting lasted a long time and at the end, I told my co-worker I had to leverage the bathroom.
posted by MtDewd at 4:25 PM on April 16, 2016 [1 favorite]




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