"...a third party in our relationship"
April 18, 2016 11:40 AM Subscribe
Thoughts on open marriage and illness. Poet and essayist Melissa Broder, formerly anonymous creator of the Twitter account so sad today, writes about her relationship with her husband, their other partners, and his progressive chronic illness. This essay is excerpted from a larger collection, recently published.
Perhaps of interest for contrast: this interview with Allena Gabosch, about having multiple partners, and coping with one's own illness.
posted by Sublimity at 12:06 PM on April 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Sublimity at 12:06 PM on April 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
^ same, Frowner. All of the above.
posted by bleep at 12:06 PM on April 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by bleep at 12:06 PM on April 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
^Me too Frowner. : ( I have just accepted that I *cannot* act sick. So when my doctor tells me that he is serious and that I need to stop working so much, or, more recently, I need take time off for surgery I just ... don't. And I hold my breath and get through the day by ignoring the pain because I do not have an alternative to keeping a roof over my kids' heads.
Most relationships involving chronic and/or serious illness i have seen implode have been due to the money prioritisation always being in one partner's favour.
posted by saucysault at 12:07 PM on April 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
Most relationships involving chronic and/or serious illness i have seen implode have been due to the money prioritisation always being in one partner's favour.
posted by saucysault at 12:07 PM on April 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
Wow, from my own experience, I couldn't keep one relationship working when my wife was diagnosed with a serious chronic illness. I can't imagine more than one.
posted by evilDoug at 1:41 PM on April 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by evilDoug at 1:41 PM on April 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
^^ That's completely it. Having a serious chronic illness (or being the supportive partner to someone with a serious illness) is like being in a full-time relationship with the illness itself -- it's the first thing you take into consideration for pretty much every decision you make.
I'm amazed how people manage to summon the time, energy, and inclination to seek out additional romantic partnerships.
posted by mochapickle at 1:54 PM on April 18, 2016 [9 favorites]
I'm amazed how people manage to summon the time, energy, and inclination to seek out additional romantic partnerships.
posted by mochapickle at 1:54 PM on April 18, 2016 [9 favorites]
> I always wonder if people are independently wealthy, since one can talk about one's sex life in public but not one's bank account.
Almost certainly. I was genuinely shocked to read this:
his apartment, which was in Stuyvesant Town—a sort of middle-class housing project in the East Village. I was scared walking in. Stuyvesant Town had an Auschwitz aesthetic
For non–New Yorkers: Stuytown is a very wealthy community with only a handful of theoretically middle-income apartments. Like, studios are $3700+ per month. Far from being scary or having an Auschwitz aesthetic, it's set in a gorgeous park with playgrounds, fountains, amenities and facilities of all kinds. The grounds are enormous and well-maintained; the only greenspace bigger is Central Park.
I realize this sounds like a Stuytown ad, which certainly isn't my goal, but it is a really fancy, really expensive space. For her to look down on it, she must be very high up.
posted by booksandlibretti at 2:02 PM on April 18, 2016 [19 favorites]
Almost certainly. I was genuinely shocked to read this:
his apartment, which was in Stuyvesant Town—a sort of middle-class housing project in the East Village. I was scared walking in. Stuyvesant Town had an Auschwitz aesthetic
For non–New Yorkers: Stuytown is a very wealthy community with only a handful of theoretically middle-income apartments. Like, studios are $3700+ per month. Far from being scary or having an Auschwitz aesthetic, it's set in a gorgeous park with playgrounds, fountains, amenities and facilities of all kinds. The grounds are enormous and well-maintained; the only greenspace bigger is Central Park.
I realize this sounds like a Stuytown ad, which certainly isn't my goal, but it is a really fancy, really expensive space. For her to look down on it, she must be very high up.
posted by booksandlibretti at 2:02 PM on April 18, 2016 [19 favorites]
I'm one of those people bearing sole financial responsibility for two due to my partner's chronic illness. I make good money, but nothing like what my partner made when he could work. I used to make better money freelancing on the side of my day job but I had to give that up a year or so ago - it was one straw too many on the verge of breaking my back.
The only medication that works well for my partner is not available generically, and our insurance is really mad about providing us. A couple of years ago there was a very expensive hospitalization. My retirement savings are good for my age for one, not so much for two. We live in a falling-down house so whenever I get some money saved up, we end up spending it on whatever is most broken.
We get by, and I occasionally think about something other than money, because I am extraordinarily privileged to have family money and generous family. I try not to take advantage of that, I desperately want to stay afloat on my own, but I know that if I can't, we will be bailed out. I know that a comfortable inheritance is likely coming my way one day that will handle the retirement issue, although I try not to count on it.
So...yeah, that's how I deal. Luck, privilege, a wonderful family. I'm still barely coping. Just upped my psych meds today to see if we can maybe get me past "barely coping" into "actually okay".
I have no idea at all how either of us could juggle a third partner, or dating. But I can imagine how one might want to. Being partners and also caregiver and person needing care, long-term, puts odd strains on the relationship. There are things we used to be for each other that we can no longer be, because of illness. I can imagine it might be tempting to find someone else who can be those things. I can almost, if I squint really hard, imagine wanting my partner to have those things badly enough to overcome my hardwired monogamy and jealous tendencies.
Not quite. But I understand this article a hell of a lot more than I would have five years ago, or ten.
posted by Stacey at 2:41 PM on April 18, 2016 [12 favorites]
The only medication that works well for my partner is not available generically, and our insurance is really mad about providing us. A couple of years ago there was a very expensive hospitalization. My retirement savings are good for my age for one, not so much for two. We live in a falling-down house so whenever I get some money saved up, we end up spending it on whatever is most broken.
We get by, and I occasionally think about something other than money, because I am extraordinarily privileged to have family money and generous family. I try not to take advantage of that, I desperately want to stay afloat on my own, but I know that if I can't, we will be bailed out. I know that a comfortable inheritance is likely coming my way one day that will handle the retirement issue, although I try not to count on it.
So...yeah, that's how I deal. Luck, privilege, a wonderful family. I'm still barely coping. Just upped my psych meds today to see if we can maybe get me past "barely coping" into "actually okay".
I have no idea at all how either of us could juggle a third partner, or dating. But I can imagine how one might want to. Being partners and also caregiver and person needing care, long-term, puts odd strains on the relationship. There are things we used to be for each other that we can no longer be, because of illness. I can imagine it might be tempting to find someone else who can be those things. I can almost, if I squint really hard, imagine wanting my partner to have those things badly enough to overcome my hardwired monogamy and jealous tendencies.
Not quite. But I understand this article a hell of a lot more than I would have five years ago, or ten.
posted by Stacey at 2:41 PM on April 18, 2016 [12 favorites]
For non–New Yorkers: Stuytown is a very wealthy community with only a handful of theoretically middle-income apartments. Like, studios are $3700+ per month. Far from being scary or having an Auschwitz aesthetic, it's set in a gorgeous park with playgrounds, fountains, amenities and facilities of all kinds. The grounds are enormous and well-maintained; the only greenspace bigger is Central Park.
Hm? Auschwitz is a really weird reference point, but Stuy Town was built as mass middle-class housing after WWII, and it looks like it. The architecture is absolutely projects-style; if it were poorly maintained, it would go south fast. Those kinds of grounds feel threatening to people who've lived in really poor city neighborhoods, because the architecture combined with the kind of public open space that can quickly breed disorder (that is, not strongly interconnected with busy adjacent structures/roads) does read as not safe. There's a reason why everybody turned away from that City in the Park aesthetic, and why the apartments there don't cost more even though they're generally quite spacious by NYC standards.
(And, yeah, by NYC standards, which are obviously deranged, not very wealthy. Still has thousands of rent-stabilized tenants, and you can get a 1-bed for $3500. You could live there as a first-year law firm associate, which is basically upper-middle-class by that particular set of standards.)
posted by praemunire at 2:53 PM on April 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Hm? Auschwitz is a really weird reference point, but Stuy Town was built as mass middle-class housing after WWII, and it looks like it. The architecture is absolutely projects-style; if it were poorly maintained, it would go south fast. Those kinds of grounds feel threatening to people who've lived in really poor city neighborhoods, because the architecture combined with the kind of public open space that can quickly breed disorder (that is, not strongly interconnected with busy adjacent structures/roads) does read as not safe. There's a reason why everybody turned away from that City in the Park aesthetic, and why the apartments there don't cost more even though they're generally quite spacious by NYC standards.
(And, yeah, by NYC standards, which are obviously deranged, not very wealthy. Still has thousands of rent-stabilized tenants, and you can get a 1-bed for $3500. You could live there as a first-year law firm associate, which is basically upper-middle-class by that particular set of standards.)
posted by praemunire at 2:53 PM on April 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Some info on her background in this Elle interview from this month ("Why is Melissa Broder So Sad Today?"):
She wrote her first collection in the third grade, at Baldwin School, an all-girls school in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania, where she grew up with her younger sister, Hayley, and their parents, Linda, a teacher who now owns a stationery store in town called Pen & Paper, and Bob, a retired tax lawyer. At Tufts University, Broder edited the literary magazine Queen's Head and Artichoke; after graduating in 2001 with a degree in English, she moved to New York and spent almost seven years attending night school at City College of New York to receive her MFA in poetry, doing most of her writing on her iPhone during her commute to her job as a publicist at Penguin Books.
Sounds to me like top 5% wealth but not crazy top 0.1% wealth. Depends on what "retired tax lawyer" means and whether there's more family wealth a generation or two further back.
posted by crazy with stars at 3:17 PM on April 18, 2016
She wrote her first collection in the third grade, at Baldwin School, an all-girls school in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania, where she grew up with her younger sister, Hayley, and their parents, Linda, a teacher who now owns a stationery store in town called Pen & Paper, and Bob, a retired tax lawyer. At Tufts University, Broder edited the literary magazine Queen's Head and Artichoke; after graduating in 2001 with a degree in English, she moved to New York and spent almost seven years attending night school at City College of New York to receive her MFA in poetry, doing most of her writing on her iPhone during her commute to her job as a publicist at Penguin Books.
Sounds to me like top 5% wealth but not crazy top 0.1% wealth. Depends on what "retired tax lawyer" means and whether there's more family wealth a generation or two further back.
posted by crazy with stars at 3:17 PM on April 18, 2016
Mod note: One comment deleted, derailing onto aesthetic evaluations of Auschwitz is getting both off-track and into pretty delicate territory, probably better to move on from that.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 3:49 PM on April 18, 2016
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 3:49 PM on April 18, 2016
Wow, from my own experience, I couldn't keep one relationship working when my wife was diagnosed with a serious chronic illness. I can't imagine more than one.
My wife has bipolar disorder, and while her meds cocktail is working right now, we've had some really really rough times (I've told the story of some of those rough times elsewhere) and we wouldn't have gotten through them without the support of her partner. Partner came to my mother's funeral recently (flying into Atlanta and driving 5 hours up here to do it). I helped her clean out her grandmother's house when they were finally getting it ready to sell (and Wife did so much, they spent a month of weekends out there doing literal heavy lifting). Etc.
It wouldn't work on everyone, obviously, but I can't imagine doing any of this without her partner's support (Partner is also one of my best friends) and we are so lucky to have this family unit that works for us. It sounds trite, but sometimes, having a village really helps.
posted by joycehealy at 7:02 PM on April 18, 2016 [8 favorites]
My wife has bipolar disorder, and while her meds cocktail is working right now, we've had some really really rough times (I've told the story of some of those rough times elsewhere) and we wouldn't have gotten through them without the support of her partner. Partner came to my mother's funeral recently (flying into Atlanta and driving 5 hours up here to do it). I helped her clean out her grandmother's house when they were finally getting it ready to sell (and Wife did so much, they spent a month of weekends out there doing literal heavy lifting). Etc.
It wouldn't work on everyone, obviously, but I can't imagine doing any of this without her partner's support (Partner is also one of my best friends) and we are so lucky to have this family unit that works for us. It sounds trite, but sometimes, having a village really helps.
posted by joycehealy at 7:02 PM on April 18, 2016 [8 favorites]
On the one hand, yeah, where do you find the time and energy to date?
On the other hand, I think it's probably better to get your needs that your partner cannot do (even if they want to) taken care of elsewhere if at all possible. Takes the stress off of him, takes the resentment/hunger/horny out of you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:19 PM on April 18, 2016
On the other hand, I think it's probably better to get your needs that your partner cannot do (even if they want to) taken care of elsewhere if at all possible. Takes the stress off of him, takes the resentment/hunger/horny out of you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:19 PM on April 18, 2016
As a nonmonogamous person, I'm always sad when I see people writing about their "open" relationships that have strict rules, don't "allow" falling in love, and that treat partners as disposable... "Oh, this guy might be a threat to my marriage, better shut the whole thing down."
posted by metasarah at 5:54 AM on April 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 5:54 AM on April 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
I don't identify with much in this article. But I am in two marriage-level long-term relationships and each partner has given me nothing but strength when working through life hardships and medical miseries with the other. I love these women and they love me. If anything awful happened to me, they would have each other to help distribute the emotional AND financial difficulties.
posted by mkuhnell at 11:40 AM on April 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by mkuhnell at 11:40 AM on April 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
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I always wonder if people are independently wealthy, since one can talk about one's sex life in public but not one's bank account. I mean, I stress every day about how the hell I can manage my responsibilities for one sick person, we don't incur that degree of expense and there's health insurance involved.
I wonder if she ever worries about what will happen if she gets sick? I worry about that all the time.
posted by Frowner at 11:53 AM on April 18, 2016 [17 favorites]