how to negotiate a raise (if you're a woman)

April 20, 2016 11:27 AM

First, as you are a woman, stop crying.
posted by amnesia and magnets (15 comments total)

I see Alex St. John is branching out.
posted by phearlez at 11:31 AM on April 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

Needs some power poses. How the hell is she supposed to seem confident or raise-worthy if she hasn't spent five of her bathroom minutes in a power pose? This shit is basic, McSweeneys.
posted by town of cats at 11:55 AM on April 20, 2016 [8 favorites]

"Remember that men are often confused by straightforward expressions of composure and will decide you are “cold,” a particularly damning determination from which there is little hope of return. Alternate eye contact and smiling at eight-second intervals to properly position yourself as somehow miraculously both a woman and a capable employee." Laughing to keep from crying?
posted by stellaluna at 11:59 AM on April 20, 2016 [10 favorites]

Speak clearly and firmly. Women say “sorry” too much and should refrain from using it. If you knock over your boss’s coffee or accidentally set fire to his desk, lock eyes and nod slowly.

This is also excellent advice for Canadians, btw.
posted by klanawa at 12:04 PM on April 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

Haha another humor piece too close to some shit I don't want to deal with, didn't finish it. :(
posted by emjaybee at 12:19 PM on April 20, 2016 [24 favorites]

so, this just-in-case-of-sadness ice cream is a thing, now?

(asking for a friend)
posted by tuesdayschild at 2:24 PM on April 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

Read empowering female writing to remind yourself that women can do anything they want

Oh yeah, "lean in or else you’re going to hell"
posted by bitteschoen at 3:07 PM on April 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

Bathrooms work well as your nervous female energy will make you likely to start to cry and/or it’s possible you have not yet stopped crying all day/week/month.

What about those of us who have righteous female rage? We don't do crying...why does satiric humour always fall on antiquated stereotypes? We have new-fangled stereotypes that are just as obnoxious that need the acidic humour to put them in their place. Can we stop pretending that it is 1952 once already?
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 3:14 PM on April 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

why does satiric humour always fall on antiquated stereotypes

I thought this was a satire about what people believe about working women, in which case antiquated stereotypes are the biggest show in town.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 4:20 PM on April 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

On a serious note, I had a work class on Monday where the instructor said that no matter what, women were at a severe disadvantage in negotiations and the ONLY possible leverage they had was to negotiate on behalf of others, like "oh, If I get more money this helps the whole team!" or something like that.

Ugh.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:24 PM on April 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

Alexandra Kitty, I don't know about others, but frequently my righteous female rage (once it reaches a certain point) is expressed through crying. Win-win?

I recently had to clarify for someone that, during a particular period at work, I wasn't crying at my desk because I was sad, but because I was suppressing the urge to strangle someone. I defy expectations!
posted by sldownard at 11:20 PM on April 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

Hey boss, here's a proposal to solve problem X we've been having.
Boss: "She does nothing but complain!!!!"

So I had this idea to rework our tests into reusable modules, they fit the strategy and functionalities a lot better. I talked about it with the client and he's good to go, he's happy with the promising return on investment. Do I have your go for it?
Boss: "She never takes any initiative!! It's always up to me to do negotiations!!!"

I won't be able to run the inter-project committee, sorry. It's at least 8 hours of work per week and I'm already doing A, B, C, D, E, F and G with my seven clients and their experts and managing my team leads and our team of twelve and also working on the budget for an eighth application. (totally true btw)
Boss: "She doesn't know how to say no and when she does it's out of sheer lazines!!!!"

If you're going to call me lazy, I propose a meeting where we discuss my workload and define actions we can take to ameliorate our processes and organization.
Boss: "She gets angry and is mean!!!!!!!"

...the instructor said that no matter what, women were at a severe disadvantage in negotiations and the ONLY possible leverage they had was to negotiate on behalf of others, like "oh, If I get more money this helps the whole team!" or something like that.

Bosses: "Your team sucks and you suck as a manager! We'd rather just fire you all and replace you with people who complain less and know how to behave!!! What do you have to say to that?? Also why are you only working your regular hours, you know you're supposed to do more!!!"

Yup.
posted by fraula at 3:41 AM on April 21, 2016 [6 favorites]

Alexandra Kitty, I don't know about others, but frequently my righteous female rage (once it reaches a certain point) is expressed through crying. Win-win?

You're not the only one. This happens to me and many others I know. At my current work we call it anger/frustration-crying. It's something that I've worked so hard over the years to suppress and control because I know damn well how it looks on the outside.

Thankfully in my actual shared office space it's all women who get it and there is absolutely no judgement if happens. For one they know it doesn't mean that we're somehow weak and useless and everyone is usually aware of the event that sets it off. (Our bosses are incredibly frustrating and horrible at times).
posted by Jalliah at 4:54 AM on April 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

I just want to say I <3 this.
posted by hilaryjade at 5:56 PM on April 21, 2016

You cry less once you develop your hard, cynical work-shell.
posted by emjaybee at 11:08 AM on April 26, 2016