a room of many doors
April 27, 2016 5:17 PM   Subscribe

 
This is amazing. And probably not legal or safe? Is the bedroom the basement of the pool house?

Number of windows pictured: zero. Needs more crates, though.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:28 PM on April 27, 2016 [22 favorites]


Why are there so many first-aid kits lying around? What were the previous tenants doing here?
posted by schmod at 5:31 PM on April 27, 2016 [50 favorites]


Damn if I could get anywhere near that much space in the UK for $650 a month I'd be laughing, assassins in hallways be dammed.
posted by diziet at 5:35 PM on April 27, 2016 [10 favorites]


Not bad, price-wise. The one above it is a pretty sweet deal at $800 too.
posted by CynicalKnight at 5:35 PM on April 27, 2016 [4 favorites]


Incredible stuff. I laughed in delight! Could probably make some cool houses out of the original DOOM maps too.
posted by some loser at 5:36 PM on April 27, 2016


Holy shit, this is in Athens, OH? That's within easy driving distance of me.

I bet you could probably make rent just by going out to the front yard and whirling yourself around until coins appear.
posted by Strange Interlude at 5:38 PM on April 27, 2016 [12 favorites]


I mean I like the wine rack, but I'm not sure I could fit my bright red barrels of explosive material down that little stairwell.
posted by Phobos the Space Potato at 5:38 PM on April 27, 2016 [20 favorites]


That "wine rack" looks like it might be an expanding exoskeleton of something so probably wouldn't want to store organic material anywhere near it just to be safe.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:42 PM on April 27, 2016 [8 favorites]


Wait. This is real?
posted by schmod at 5:44 PM on April 27, 2016


Watch this space for an article on landlords who imprison their tenants in basement dungeons in 3...2...1...
posted by ga$money at 5:46 PM on April 27, 2016


Important question: do you get to use that pool? (And is someone taking care of it for you?)

Because, windowless basement or no, $650 is a damn good deal. Plus, plenty of closets.

And if you're a partier, that 19′ × 48′ main space (with plenty of sound insulation, since it's underground) is just begging to become a dancefloor. The adjacent "utility room / wine cellar" is the bar, obviously.

And you'll save on air conditioning in the summer!

The other unit that CynicalKnight linked, though, is crazy swank for $800. Are rents just super low in the suburbs of Athens, Ohio?
posted by escape from the potato planet at 5:46 PM on April 27, 2016 [3 favorites]


The square footage is actually kind of amazing--that's bigger than the house I'm sitting in at this very moment-but I'd eventually get paranoid about the lifetime supply of HVAC, I imagine. Also the lack of windows (er, no egress windows anywhere? I can haz deathtrap?). Still, I could definitely get my books in there, so. Someone with a decent salary could rent both apartments, come to think of it...
posted by thomas j wise at 5:50 PM on April 27, 2016


All's I know is I'm paying $650/month for 600 square feet in Cincinnati, and I'm wondering what kind of Native American burial ground these places are built on, to offer twice the space for the same amount of money.
posted by Strange Interlude at 5:52 PM on April 27, 2016 [2 favorites]


Someone with a decent salary could rent both apartments, come to think of it...

They aren't on adherent floors though; one is a basement and one is the second floor. The ground floor appears to not be for rent.
posted by saucysault at 5:57 PM on April 27, 2016


I would totally rent the crazy ass basement apartment and start filling it with Hannibal memorabilia.
posted by Bringer Tom at 5:57 PM on April 27, 2016 [1 favorite]


So, am I understanding it right, that this is a real apartment for rent and people are just saying it looks like a video game location? I keep wondering if this is an inside joke where people have done a Photoshop job to recreate a location from some video game I've never played.

I thought the link was going to be to a site where they present video game locations like they're for rent, so you'd see Trulia-style ads for the apartment buildings from Silent Hill or whatever. That could've been fun.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 6:16 PM on April 27, 2016 [8 favorites]


escape from the potato planet: "Are rents just super low in the suburbs of Athens, Ohio?"

Athens is home to Ohio University, but is a pretty fair piece from anywhere.
posted by Chrysostom at 6:19 PM on April 27, 2016


is everything on tumblr structured as FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: [subject], or is this one just particularly bad?
posted by indubitable at 6:19 PM on April 27, 2016 [7 favorites]


I wonder if I could get away with telecommuting from there to my job here in Los Angeles. Or just rent out that upstairs apartment as an occasional midwest getaway. Hm.
posted by The World Famous at 6:20 PM on April 27, 2016


And somebody's gonna fall backwards down the hole on one of those white plastic chairs.
posted by The World Famous at 6:21 PM on April 27, 2016 [1 favorite]


Nah, that's just how Tumblr works. It's a big reason I've never gotten into Tumblr.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:21 PM on April 27, 2016 [4 favorites]


They changed the design on Tumblr to get rid of the nested indentations but some holdouts have custom themes to preserve the old style.
posted by vogon_poet at 6:28 PM on April 27, 2016 [1 favorite]


Seriously Ohio, what gives?
posted by Doleful Creature at 6:30 PM on April 27, 2016


This really does look like a mediocre Counter-Strike: Source map. Textures borrowed from de_piranesi and cs_estate.
posted by clorox at 6:41 PM on April 27, 2016 [4 favorites]


de_chateau, not cs_estate. The wine rack is straight from cs_italy though.
posted by clorox at 6:48 PM on April 27, 2016 [5 favorites]


Someone's still trying to figure out how to use Hammer. Doors everywhere! Copy-and-pasted water heaters! It looks like they tried to put an elevator in the kitchen, but accidentally gave it the wrong texture and couldn't figure out how to add the correct trigger. And then they stole the ceiling textures from cs_office.

They couldn't even copy that Hitman 2 level properly. Sheesh. And the Counter-Terrorist spawn area is way too cluttered.
posted by neckro23 at 6:52 PM on April 27, 2016 [9 favorites]


I wonder if I could get away with telecommuting from there to my job here in Los Angeles.

I doubt you'd get reception down there.

Although the place looks like a fallout shelter, so you wouldn't have to worry about telecommuting anyways. At least you'd have a place to put your emergency supply of wine.
posted by littlesq at 6:57 PM on April 27, 2016


I would love this place, probably. I keep weird hours, don't like the sun shining through the windows, and have always wanted to live underground. I actually really like that hallway for some inexplicable reason.

But, as noted, the 2nd floor unit above this one has a much better floorplan and is only $800 -- the point is that rent is clearly pretty low in the area and so, really, that $650 isn't that great of a bargain.

When I moved here to Kansas City from Albuquerque, I was astounded at how inexpensive housing is. Much of the Midwest is like this.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 7:04 PM on April 27, 2016 [1 favorite]


> I was astounded at how inexpensive housing is

the value of a plot of land is generally driven by what's outside the lot lines.
posted by Heywood Mogroot III at 7:07 PM on April 27, 2016 [2 favorites]


I live in LA, where the rental situation is quite literally an emergency - I'm looking at this and I'm like "looks good!" Is this really an ad to laugh at? Have I been that conditioned?
posted by jnnla at 7:07 PM on April 27, 2016 [4 favorites]


I've seen this on Tumblr but didn't see the video-game-level comments attached to it until just now.

I too was hoping that it'd be as Ursula Hitler suggested.
posted by divabat at 7:20 PM on April 27, 2016


Seems like a perfect setup for cooking up hash oil.
posted by Nelson at 7:22 PM on April 27, 2016


This was pretty obviously someone's boondock mansion built in the mid-2000s boom somewhere in southeastern Ohio, and they / their creditors have clumsily carved out two apartments from it in an attempt to try and get some meagre rental income. The basement is exercise room / nanny dungeon / storage / wine cellar, the upper apartment is den / bar / library.

That bar is a terrible and probably illegal kitchen BTW. There's no actual stove or refrigerator in place, and if there were they couldn't both be squeezed in the counter area. The basement kitchen looks decent enough, actually, although the remoteness of the bathroom is a definite WTF.

I bet there's a sad story here somewhere.
posted by xthlc at 8:01 PM on April 27, 2016 [16 favorites]


Is it legal to rent out a living space with no windows? I'm pretty sure that's not allowed in my city.
posted by Atom Eyes at 8:03 PM on April 27, 2016 [1 favorite]


Seven water heaters??
posted by wenestvedt at 8:09 PM on April 27, 2016


xthlc: "This was pretty obviously someone's boondock mansion built in the mid-2000s boom somewhere in southeastern Ohio"

Definitely right, but I still can't figure out the original purpose of the main room with its umpteen closets. Why so many closets? What possible function could they have served?
posted by crazy with stars at 9:09 PM on April 27, 2016 [2 favorites]


No natural light, a depressing kitchen for someone who would never cook anything more complex than an open-face peanut butter sandwich, basically underneath a rich person's pool... I can't help but think that Roast Beef lives here.
posted by fader at 9:32 PM on April 27, 2016 [8 favorites]


I'm thinking somebody was running a business down there. It doesn't look like a home, but it looks a lot like some offices I've seen. Maybe the closets were for inventory. (Maybe something you don't want all stored in one place, because it spoils faster?)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 9:46 PM on April 27, 2016


All I know for sure is there's a lot of guys singing "heigh-ho" down there in the morning and holding hootenannies with fish-shaped instruments at night, but my brother-in-law was in there to fix one of the water heaters last year and he swears he saw a life-sized model of a girl in a glass box in one room.
posted by No-sword at 10:27 PM on April 27, 2016 [9 favorites]


The hallways...how did the hilariously long hallways happen? I love looking at house plans, never seen one quite like this.
posted by Trifling at 10:39 PM on April 27, 2016


wenestvedt: "Seven water heaters??"

Well look at the size of that pool! Fewer than seven water heaters would leave it frigid.
posted by El Mariachi at 2:10 AM on April 28, 2016


I've owned my house for a while now and also I live in Pittsburgh, so I'm clearly a little out of touch with rents. But, Jesus, where do some of you people live that $650 for an unlivable murder basement in bumfuck Ohio seems like an awesome deal???

Anyway, that room with all the closets was probably a game room. Imagine it with a pool table and some pinball machines or something.
posted by soren_lorensen at 3:25 AM on April 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


I've apartment hunted places like this.

So many are illegal - dangerously so. People die when there are fires in unsafe apartments.

Next time I'm apartment hunting, I'm going to start reporting landlords with illegal apartments. (didn't know the rules then).
posted by jb at 4:50 AM on April 28, 2016


My sister was house/pet sitting for some friends and gave me a tour of the house. There's a hallway behind the front stairwell that leads to the laundry room and a door in the back of the closet in the main hall that exits to the closet in the guest room like one of the secret passages in Clue. When she showed me the doorway in the rec room that led to a hallway to the garage I remarked that the house must of have been built by the same people that designed the mansion in Resident Evil.

Now she won't house sit for them anymore.
posted by dances with hamsters at 7:01 AM on April 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


Definitely right, but I still can't figure out the original purpose of the main room with its umpteen closets. Why so many closets? What possible function could they have served?

My thinking is that this could be a service room that someone turned into a (possibly illegal) apartment. I've worked catering at mansions before, and the basement is usually a little like this. A stripped down kitchen for prepping meals out of site, a lot of storage space for tables and chairs and linens and appointments and such, a liquor storage area, the bathroom is more meant as a locker room for staff...

This place seems like a new money mansion that they now have to rent out for whatever reason, so they turned their servery into an ill considered apartment.
posted by codacorolla at 7:08 AM on April 28, 2016 [1 favorite]


Are rents just super low in the suburbs of Athens, Ohio?

Suburbs is a strong word for a place on the outskirts of a town of 20,000 or so. I grew up an hour south and my mom rented a 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom house for $400 a month in the 90s. Real estate in southeastern Ohio in general is pretty cheap because it's rural, isolated, and every generation, more people move away forever than stay. Athens is a pretty cool town, but you're two hours from anything that's not that or Appalachian farmland.
posted by Copronymus at 9:46 AM on April 28, 2016


where do some of you people live that $650 for an unlivable murder basement in bumfuck Ohio seems like an awesome deal???

It's the upstairs for $800 that seems like an awesome deal. I live in Los Angeles, where $800 might get you a night or two in a plywood box in somebody's living room.
posted by The World Famous at 9:50 AM on April 28, 2016 [2 favorites]


jb: "I've apartment hunted places like this. "

Yup, me too, in Washington DC where it cost three times what that Athens unit is going for. I visited a place that had two tiny windows, one in the kitchen and one in one of the two bedrooms, none in the living/dining area. There was no central heating, so the only heat sources were two space heaters that the tenants could move around the house depending on where they were sitting. $2300. Shit's real.

omg why are there seven water heaters though
posted by capricorn at 5:40 PM on April 28, 2016


I just assumed the water heaters are servicing the entire (original) house.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 6:30 PM on April 28, 2016


^
Ouch. In which case, I'm guessing the real rent is more like $1000 a month once you factor in the electricity bill?
posted by Sonny Jim at 12:51 AM on April 29, 2016


All's I know is I'm paying $650/month for 600 square feet in Cincinnati, and I'm wondering what kind of Native American burial ground these places are built on, to offer twice the space for the same amount of money.

I'm currently renting a one bedroom, 630 square foot apartment in a crappy part of the Bay Area for $2,130/mo., and I'm moving to San Diego in two weeks, where I'll pay $2,020/mo. for a two bedroom, 998 square foot apartment.

I really wish I had known how much of a problem it would be to get into a career (pharma research) where all employers are clustered in the highest cost of living cities in the world (except for Research Triangle in NC but... no thanks).
posted by Thoughtcrime at 11:30 AM on April 29, 2016


except for Research Triangle in NC but... no thanks

Aww, that area is great! The state government might be garbage but Durham et all are decent places to live.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:53 AM on April 29, 2016


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