64 slices of American cheese

May 2, 2016 9:12 AM

"If it was too much cheese for Homer, that’s a lot of cheese"

In a Season 5 episode of The Simpsons titled “Rosebud,” Homer stays up all night eating 64 slices of American cheese before he comes to the conclusion: “I think I’m blind.”

A generation of teenagers in Guelph, Ont., didn’t care about the health risk Homer flagged. Over a period of three years, their attempts to break the Simpsons record evolved into a yearly cheese eating competition where growing audiences were promised an atmosphere that combined the Olympics with a WWE pay-per-view.

posted by obscure simpsons reference (37 comments total)

“I would think Cheesefest is an excellent alternative for society to cock fights,”

Welp, there's my weirdest sentence read for the day.
posted by Kitteh at 9:14 AM on May 2, 2016 [17 favorites]

"It was like he turned off every part of his body and mind except the parts needed to eat cheese."

THOSE ARE THE ONLY PARTS OF MY BODY AND MIND THAT ARE TURNED ON, EVER.
posted by Harvey Jerkwater at 9:18 AM on May 2, 2016 [19 favorites]

"Engorging themselves with more than two kilograms of cheese and vomiting it out was painful. Remembering it is the opposite."

Dear Gravestones! Gravestones! Gravestones! LLC...
posted by griphus at 9:22 AM on May 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

Why is there not already a concept album by the Mountain Goats about this?
posted by ardgedee at 9:22 AM on May 2, 2016 [9 favorites]

This post made me convert to Calvinism.
posted by beerperson at 9:23 AM on May 2, 2016 [4 favorites]

A generation of teenagers in Guelph, Ont.

Canadians?? No wonder America is going down the tubes, if we've let a bunch of filthy canucks best us at eating our own goddamn cheese!

That's it. This November, I'm voting for the guy who looks like a block of Velveeta. Make America Grate Again!
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:28 AM on May 2, 2016 [15 favorites]

A pale Dunseith began spinning in circles to nauseate himself. At it for more than one minute, the purge only came after his manager began waving a Spice Girls doll in his direction, “trying to draw the cheese out of me.”

the spice hurl must flow
posted by roger ackroyd at 9:30 AM on May 2, 2016 [5 favorites]

I, for one, am glad somebody is taking decisive action to deal with the giant US cheese surplus.
posted by zamboni at 9:34 AM on May 2, 2016 [4 favorites]

Harvey Jerkwater: "THOSE ARE THE ONLY PARTS OF MY BODY AND MIND THAT ARE TURNED ON, EVER."

(Exeunt Mrs. Jerkwater in tears)
posted by boo_radley at 9:34 AM on May 2, 2016 [13 favorites]

A pale Dunseith began spinning in circles to nauseate himself. At it for more than one minute, the purge only came after his manager began waving a Spice Girls doll in his direction, “trying to draw the cheese out of me.”

After many years of wondering, it is now clear to me that when one really really really wants to "zig-a-zig-ahhhh", that means to "vomit copious amounts of cheese".
posted by dr_dank at 9:35 AM on May 2, 2016 [4 favorites]

Sounds like this is basically competitive barfing.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 9:37 AM on May 2, 2016 [4 favorites]

But such strong bones!
posted by maryr at 9:39 AM on May 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

I have no idea how these people got their 17-year-old cheese eating contest into the National Post, or why.
posted by yellowbinder at 9:40 AM on May 2, 2016 [8 favorites]

Eponyriffic.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:45 AM on May 2, 2016

Both were disappointed when no one from their high schools decided to keep the tradition going.

That was the only part where I chuckled. No WAY!

I have no idea how these people got their 17-year-old cheese eating contest into the National Post, or why.

That's what I' m most wondering too. I have a little newsroom/magazine experience. How does a story like this ever come to fruition? Is the writer friends with one of these fellows. It's like a high-school newspaper article, or unfunny Onion article.

My mind does boggle a little.
posted by mrgrimm at 9:59 AM on May 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

Unfortunately none of them were actually eating American cheese. If it comes in individually wrapped slices it is a cheese "food" or "product", a glop extruded onto plastic wrap. Real American process cheese is carefully defined by the FDA. It is a blend of two or more real cheeses, normally Colby and Cheddar, with an approved emulsifier to aid the blending. It is the cheese equivalent of a blended wine, rather than a varietal. You may be able to find it in a deli in either block or sliced form. Quite good, actually...
posted by jim in austin at 10:03 AM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

Nah, it is just an indication of the Kwality of the National Post and the entire Postmedia news empire. I am not in the least surprised this would be considered to be publishable by Postmedia.
posted by fimbulvetr at 10:05 AM on May 2, 2016

Homer didn't need to barf.
posted by ursus_comiter at 10:12 AM on May 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

American "cheese".
posted by JohnFromGR at 10:18 AM on May 2, 2016

zamboni: I, for one, am glad somebody is taking decisive action to deal with the giant US cheese surplus.

For God's sakes, I'm only one man! I'm doing all I can!!
posted by wenestvedt at 10:30 AM on May 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

This is must be in the running for the most eponymous of posts.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 10:33 AM on May 2, 2016 [6 favorites]

Just reading about this is clogging my arteries.
posted by tobascodagama at 10:36 AM on May 2, 2016

I once ate Too Much Cheese. Very delicious Dutch cheese.

It transformed in my digestive system to something akin to a large stone or rock. Upon reaching the normal point of departure, it declined onward travel and lodged, stubbornly sessile, with no more sign of movement than an erratic boulder deposited on a flat plain by a melted glacier.

It took two days to dislodge. I was forced, in the end (ho ho) to employ mechanical intervention.

Don't do it, kids. Just don't.
posted by Devonian at 10:38 AM on May 2, 2016 [10 favorites]

Thanks, NAFTA!
posted by AndrewInDC at 10:38 AM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit: "This is must be in the running for the most eponymous of posts."

You're one to talk!
posted by WaylandSmith at 10:41 AM on May 2, 2016 [6 favorites]

Nah, it is just an indication of the Kwality of the National Post and the entire Postmedia news empire. I am not in the least surprised this would be considered to be publishable by Postmedia.

Last year, the Post ran this story: Ay Caramba! Calgary couple spends d’oh to recreate Simpsons kitchen in their home. In their defence, this one was written by Canadian Press and was also picked up by other media outlets.

But yeah, in general, the National Post overhypes stories so much it makes the New York Post look like the New York Times. Or the New York Times look like the New York Post. I forget which one the good one is.
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 11:16 AM on May 2, 2016

There's a "just Guelphed in the Kitchener" joke in here somewhere, but I'm not the one to make it. (NOT Canadian-ist)
posted by brand-gnu at 11:32 AM on May 2, 2016 [4 favorites]

it appears as if Mr. Sato managed somewhere around 2/3-to-3/4 of 1000 slices of cheese from BK.
posted by dorian at 11:54 AM on May 2, 2016

Last year, the Post ran this story: Ay Caramba! Calgary couple spends d’oh to recreate Simpsons kitchen in their home. In their defence, this one was written by Canadian Press and was also picked up by other media outlets.

I don't understand. Are Canadians just now finally receiving Simpsons broadcasts, or something?

If so, here's a helpful tip for our friends up North: the show gets way better after season eight.
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:59 AM on May 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

64 slices of cheese doesn't really sound like that much for stunt eating?
posted by tavella at 12:12 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

*sniff*
I'm so proud of my country.
posted by Theta States at 12:52 PM on May 2, 2016

Waaaaaaaaaaaitafucking minute.

For him, Cheesefest wasn’t about how many slices he could eat, it was about how many times he could throw up to stuff more cheese in.

Keeping it down is the cornerstone of any good eating contest. There's all sorts of shenanigans otherwise. Having a re-ingestion waiver is the only way to go. You haven't lived until you've puked peeps. Much color! Such flavors!
posted by Ogre Lawless at 1:10 PM on May 2, 2016 [5 favorites]

I could totally do that. Pot of black coffee to keep it all moving, and twenty Pringles as interval/chasers...

It would make the Great Toast Race in college -- when I ate a full loaf of whole-wheat nuts-and-sticks toast as fast as it could be produced -- look positively slimming.
posted by wenestvedt at 1:11 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

Jeesus, Orge Lawless, why haven't you moved that Peep-eating FAQ into its own FPP? That is one amazing bit of prose.
posted by wenestvedt at 1:14 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

64 slices of cheese doesn't really sound like that much for stunt eating?

Try it.
posted by mrgrimm at 4:03 PM on May 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

Don't do it, kids. Just don't.

Also, fwiw, cheese eaters, I used to love cheese and milk, even after I stopped eating meat.

I had horrible acne as a teen and still had occasional bad zits pretty much all the way until I was 38 years old, when I cut out dairy completely. Since then, nothing. At that age, who fucking knows, but I wish somebody had told me to try it when I was 15. (Or yeah, I wish we had the fucking Internet.)
posted by mrgrimm at 4:07 PM on May 2, 2016

Oh, I'm not saying I would want to do it, but it looks like it's basically 2 pounds of cheese, or about two fifths one of these? And I used to know people who went through terrifying amounts of those just as food, back when we were teenagers. Though I guess it works out about the same, calorie-wise, as a In 'n' Out 12x12, and that's a popular challenge.
posted by tavella at 4:25 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]