The Greatest & Most Enigmatic 2-Minute Horror Suspense Film of Our Time
May 2, 2016 11:10 PM Subscribe
Jewelry ad starring Gwyneth Paltrow, or the greatest and most enigmatic 2-minute horror suspense film of our time? Tumblr user rave sashayed thinks it's the latter.
The tale begins here: My coworker sent me this insane Gwyneth Paltrow jewelry ad this morning and it FUCKING H A U N T S me.
Less than two minutes long, and so many questions: Is Alice's husband in space or dead or dead in space? Who is Alice anyway? Is the astronaut maybe her dad? PLOT TWIST: Alice lives in a TIME LOOP.
Anyway, join the first annual symposium on this important work, since so many questions remain unanswered. Like why is Alice's astronaut husband/father leaving her cassette tapes? They have internet in space now! And I mean, what is even the deal with those cassette tapes? There are "34 tapes per shelf and at least eight shelves of tapes - he clearly records until the time runs out, which means at least 408 hours of recording - that’s SEVENTEEN SOLID DAYS."
Add some ominous music and change the coloring, and it's a straight up horror movie.
The tale begins here: My coworker sent me this insane Gwyneth Paltrow jewelry ad this morning and it FUCKING H A U N T S me.
Less than two minutes long, and so many questions: Is Alice's husband in space or dead or dead in space? Who is Alice anyway? Is the astronaut maybe her dad? PLOT TWIST: Alice lives in a TIME LOOP.
Anyway, join the first annual symposium on this important work, since so many questions remain unanswered. Like why is Alice's astronaut husband/father leaving her cassette tapes? They have internet in space now! And I mean, what is even the deal with those cassette tapes? There are "34 tapes per shelf and at least eight shelves of tapes - he clearly records until the time runs out, which means at least 408 hours of recording - that’s SEVENTEEN SOLID DAYS."
Add some ominous music and change the coloring, and it's a straight up horror movie.
Okay, here's what's scaring me about this commercial: The tape she takes out is for 15 March, 2016. There are months of tapes there, going back at least to January 2016. This means she's gone three months without touching her favorite T-shirt, for him to hide an action figure underneath it. He expected her to go that long without touching her dresser at all. It's probably just a continuity error like the rest of it, but damn if that isn't some horrifying subtext.
posted by brecc at 12:08 AM on May 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by brecc at 12:08 AM on May 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
I love everything about this.
The way the continuity errors and setting completely undermine whatever weirdo narrative they were trying to go for in the first place is just perfect.
Is it also the fact that it's Gwyneth? I know every A-list celeb's public persona is a construction created by their PR people, but I've always found Gwyneth's to be completely unconvincing, like done uncanny valley impersonation of a real person, which feeds into the way the narrative of this Ad feels like a horror story - there's a double layer of pretending going on. "Real Gwyneth" pretending to be fake public Gwyneth pretending to be Alice.
posted by pharm at 12:21 AM on May 3, 2016 [8 favorites]
The way the continuity errors and setting completely undermine whatever weirdo narrative they were trying to go for in the first place is just perfect.
Is it also the fact that it's Gwyneth? I know every A-list celeb's public persona is a construction created by their PR people, but I've always found Gwyneth's to be completely unconvincing, like done uncanny valley impersonation of a real person, which feeds into the way the narrative of this Ad feels like a horror story - there's a double layer of pretending going on. "Real Gwyneth" pretending to be fake public Gwyneth pretending to be Alice.
posted by pharm at 12:21 AM on May 3, 2016 [8 favorites]
I didn't get the horror vibe because I was completely distracted by her hammerhead shark/testicle necklace.
Thanks tiny phone screen. You make everything better.
posted by 1066 at 12:32 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Thanks tiny phone screen. You make everything better.
posted by 1066 at 12:32 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Please, for all that's holy, people shouldn't just watch the video and glance over sashayed's tumblr, they should at least read the first post on this (in yasaman's link but isolated in this link), which is the best part.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:34 AM on May 3, 2016 [15 favorites]
Also, she has a picture of HERSELF next to her picture OF HIM, instead of a picture OF THEM, together, which makes me wonder: is Gwyneth Paltrow’s character “Alice” at all?? Is this like that astronaut love triangle where the one astronaut attacked the other one???? Did Gwyneth murder Alice while her husband was in space, and now she pretends to live Alice’s life???? “Alice has been such a recluse since Roderick went to space in 1996,” Alice’s friends say, not realizing that Alice has been mummifying in the charming 18th century icebox in the servants’ kitchen since 1996 and Gwyneth is the new Alice. “We’re so happy together, aren’t we, Roderick,” Gwyneth croons to her tape player, wrapping her arms around her own torso, swaying dreamily before the full length mirror, wearing nothing but Alice’s special 20-year-old surprise necklace and a wig made of of Alice’s hair.Thank you sashayed, yasaman, and MetaFilter. Thank you.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:34 AM on May 3, 2016 [15 favorites]
It must be her father, because Tender Stories Nos. 1–3 are all about weird daddy issues. In No. 1, a 50-something college professor creeps on his student by buying her that ugly jewelry. No. 2 ... I don't even know what is happening here but it is weird. No. 3, woman tries to woo hot Parisian men by telling them about the time she visited the city with her dad — "the only man who will always love [her] no matter what happens" — when she was 8.
posted by retrograde at 12:36 AM on May 3, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by retrograde at 12:36 AM on May 3, 2016 [6 favorites]
Jewelry and perfume ads are the worst, and by "the worst" I mean (nepotism, favoritism) please let me direct one I have ideas that might make sense to someone.
posted by clorox at 12:37 AM on May 3, 2016
posted by clorox at 12:37 AM on May 3, 2016
Did anybody else immediately read it as Alice having no short term memory? It comes together. Her husband pretends he's away in space because otherwise she'll constantly be distressed that he's gone missing. The cassette tapes are to provide narrative for her, so she doesn't forget what's going on day to day just while in the house. Arduous to make all those tapes? Not exactly; if you made thirty or so you could repeat them in a cycle of moving things and she'd never know.
Her husband/father chose this because it was simply too distressing to be around her and have her constantly worried about his aging, why isn't he at work, when are we going to see *friend that died*. And he certainly didn't want her in a nursing home. Maybe she has a very small life now, but he can ensure it is always a pleasant one.
Which is pretty tender in the end but dark all the same.
posted by solarion at 12:47 AM on May 3, 2016 [27 favorites]
Her husband/father chose this because it was simply too distressing to be around her and have her constantly worried about his aging, why isn't he at work, when are we going to see *friend that died*. And he certainly didn't want her in a nursing home. Maybe she has a very small life now, but he can ensure it is always a pleasant one.
Which is pretty tender in the end but dark all the same.
posted by solarion at 12:47 AM on May 3, 2016 [27 favorites]
No. 1 is a horror story, straight up, no subversive interpretation necessary.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:49 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:49 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
I just watched 1, 2, 3, and 4. They are all horror stories.
posted by mochapickle at 12:53 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by mochapickle at 12:53 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
No 1 is a cautionary tale about not dating Dad substitutes. Maybe?
I’m guessing that there’s supposed to be a unifying theme that runs through all of these, but I can’t for the life of me work out what it’s meant to be. Apart from “please buy our jewellery” obviously.
posted by pharm at 1:07 AM on May 3, 2016
I’m guessing that there’s supposed to be a unifying theme that runs through all of these, but I can’t for the life of me work out what it’s meant to be. Apart from “please buy our jewellery” obviously.
posted by pharm at 1:07 AM on May 3, 2016
I was in a bookstore this weekend and saw that Paltrow has a book out called It's All Easy. I'm not a Paltrow fan or a hater, but knowing how much people love to hate on her for being a smug, out of touch entitled rich lady, I did wish I could take her aside and tell her that that was a stupid goddamn thing to call her book. Even if you didn't hate her already, there is something really off-putting about this blonde movie star smirking at you and telling you It's All Easy...
I clicked on this link expecting something horrifying, but then it just seemed like some harmless perfume commercial about an astronaut's wife. Presumably it's funnier if you come to it already disliking Paltrow instead of just thinking of her as some actress who's in movies you don't see. (She was pretty damn bad in Sky Captain, but I'm not carrying a grudge about it or anything.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:10 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
I clicked on this link expecting something horrifying, but then it just seemed like some harmless perfume commercial about an astronaut's wife. Presumably it's funnier if you come to it already disliking Paltrow instead of just thinking of her as some actress who's in movies you don't see. (She was pretty damn bad in Sky Captain, but I'm not carrying a grudge about it or anything.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:10 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
This is sublimely weird
posted by Faintdreams at 1:19 AM on May 3, 2016
posted by Faintdreams at 1:19 AM on May 3, 2016
I kind of liked Sky Captain: It did what it set out to do. It’s not as if the source material was filled with well rounded characters doing characterful things with their time.
posted by pharm at 1:32 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by pharm at 1:32 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
Astronaut Mike Dexter! She made the doll. Not sure where the tapes come from, Mechanical Turk? Regardless, if she can afford that place and buy a nice necklace for herself every once in a while (or every day), she can pay for a voice actor.
posted by rhizome at 1:39 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 1:39 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
What the fuck is that one necklace even supposed to be - a teddy bear with huge nuts? WHY???????????
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 1:45 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 1:45 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Not to derail about Sky Captain, but I liked it fine enough. Paltrow's performance struck me as incredibly stiff and weird, but I just put that down to her getting used to acting inside a big green room. It was a new thing at the time. If she was that bad in every performance, she wouldn't keep getting work.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:47 AM on May 3, 2016
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:47 AM on May 3, 2016
ALL OF THESE (1-4) ARE HORROR STORIES. OMGWTFBBQ? And that effing teddy bear THING necklace seems to be the connector of evil between them. If you see that necklace in real life you need to burn it with the fire.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 1:51 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 1:51 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
WHY WHY WHY? There is no excuse for this teddy bear nut necklace.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 1:58 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 1:58 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
Horrifying daisy-eyed bear haunts my dreams.
posted by mochapickle at 2:02 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by mochapickle at 2:02 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
That stupid pendant will try to strangle you while you're in bed. It idolizes the clown from Poltergeist.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:03 AM on May 3, 2016
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:03 AM on May 3, 2016
The teddybear pendant is even more ghastly in pink.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 2:14 AM on May 3, 2016
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 2:14 AM on May 3, 2016
teddy bear pendant is CLEARLY a fertility symbol - those aren't nuts, they're breasts.
And when she goes to the tape machine? It' s not actually playing. The voice is in her head and it's all a re-telling of Solaris.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:17 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
And when she goes to the tape machine? It' s not actually playing. The voice is in her head and it's all a re-telling of Solaris.
posted by From Bklyn at 2:17 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
In the pictures on the tous site they do look like breasts but in the commercial they look like nuts! UGH.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:19 AM on May 3, 2016
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:19 AM on May 3, 2016
I don't want a friggin' teddy bear (a child's toy) pendant with huge breasts or nuts. NO NO NO.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:19 AM on May 3, 2016
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:19 AM on May 3, 2016
Maybe they are just tumors?
posted by mochapickle at 2:31 AM on May 3, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by mochapickle at 2:31 AM on May 3, 2016 [10 favorites]
In the pictures on the tous site they do look like breasts but in the commercial they look like nuts! UGH.
Maybe Tous is aiming for this to be The Dress for 2016.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:39 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
Maybe Tous is aiming for this to be The Dress for 2016.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:39 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
The bear couldn't possibly rest its forelegs this casually on its nuts. Then again, bears don't tend to have human breasts, either. Enigmatic.
posted by sapagan at 2:51 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by sapagan at 2:51 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Is that true though? I only just recently learned that elephants have very human-like breasts, and images such as this don't exactly show evidence otherwise re: bears.
posted by clorox at 2:58 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by clorox at 2:58 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Huh, so it is. Thanks. Now I can again concentrate on my daily job.
posted by sapagan at 3:03 AM on May 3, 2016
posted by sapagan at 3:03 AM on May 3, 2016
The astronaut man doesn't exist at all. The fact that he is an astronaut is the ultimate reason why he isn't around. The tapes are all blank, the voice you are hearing is only in her head. The supposed continuity error that means she hasn't touched her favourite dress in months isn't an error, its a reflection of her subconscious deleting any incongruous clashes between her reality and actual reality.
The whole thing actually serves to undermine the fantasy of the perfect lifestyle that Paltrow ordinarily sells but which here has enveloped her. It leaves the question, what is more important, to recognise reality or to be happy?
posted by biffa at 3:18 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
The whole thing actually serves to undermine the fantasy of the perfect lifestyle that Paltrow ordinarily sells but which here has enveloped her. It leaves the question, what is more important, to recognise reality or to be happy?
posted by biffa at 3:18 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
How can you make this many continuity errors in a 2 minute film with high enough production values to afford Paltrow? There's, like, a continuity error every few seconds. That has to be intentional, right? I have so many questions about this. This is like if Kubrik went into making commercials instead of film.
posted by cj_ at 3:29 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by cj_ at 3:29 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
15 March 2016:
Dear Diary:
Again, I wake to the cold, grey room. The telescope is there, the rain is there. The paper on the table is blank again, as it always is - waiting for the dream images that follow me into the dark.
I no longer listen to the voice on the tape - it tells me to look here and look there in the room, taunting me with a never-ending scavenger hunt that leads nowhere. Today's clues were a GI Joe and a clunky necklace. The first clues were the ream of blank paper and the telescope.
Oh, and the dress. I can never wear anything but the dress. And I must smile, always.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 3:42 AM on May 3, 2016 [10 favorites]
Dear Diary:
Again, I wake to the cold, grey room. The telescope is there, the rain is there. The paper on the table is blank again, as it always is - waiting for the dream images that follow me into the dark.
I no longer listen to the voice on the tape - it tells me to look here and look there in the room, taunting me with a never-ending scavenger hunt that leads nowhere. Today's clues were a GI Joe and a clunky necklace. The first clues were the ream of blank paper and the telescope.
Oh, and the dress. I can never wear anything but the dress. And I must smile, always.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 3:42 AM on May 3, 2016 [10 favorites]
No. 2 ... I don't even know what is happening here but it is weird.
#2 is clearly the next chapter of that Twilight Zone episode of the omnipotent little kid and everyone lives in terror of him becoming upset and disappearing them with his mind.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 4:16 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
#2 is clearly the next chapter of that Twilight Zone episode of the omnipotent little kid and everyone lives in terror of him becoming upset and disappearing them with his mind.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 4:16 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
This is why I love the internet.
posted by Mchelly at 4:22 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 4:22 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
I had serious Se7en flashbacks as she reached up for the pink jewelry box.
DON'T LOOK IN THE BOX ALICE! DON'T LOOK ON THE BOX!
posted by dis_integration at 4:28 AM on May 3, 2016
DON'T LOOK IN THE BOX ALICE! DON'T LOOK ON THE BOX!
posted by dis_integration at 4:28 AM on May 3, 2016
No. 2 with the mismatched-schedule-family was sweet. They are clearly making time for each other because they love each other.
By dressing up and making a big deal out of breakfast they are reinforcing their love by showing that they consider time together to be a big deal, something worth fussing over.
I liked it.
The rest were creepy as hell.
posted by oddman at 4:37 AM on May 3, 2016
By dressing up and making a big deal out of breakfast they are reinforcing their love by showing that they consider time together to be a big deal, something worth fussing over.
I liked it.
The rest were creepy as hell.
posted by oddman at 4:37 AM on May 3, 2016
Something else: she portrays Pepper Potts in the Iron Man oeuvre, and the voice is vaguely Jarvis-like. Subliminal seduction! Cultural cross-fertilization! Kabbalahic subterfuge! This ad has everything! I'm sleeping with the lights on tonight!
posted by Chitownfats at 4:48 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Chitownfats at 4:48 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
No. 2 with the mismatched-schedule-family was sweet. They are clearly making time for each other because they love each other.
By dressing up and making a big deal out of breakfast they are reinforcing their love by showing that they consider time together to be a big deal, something worth fussing over.
something worth enough to time the breakfast ritual down to the second? "all-black designer cuckoo clock goes cuckoo cuckoo" perfect timing! no. "we're one minute later than yesterday. "
also, who spoons their cornflakes *into* their bowl? they could totally save some time if they just poured from the box. Maybe Daddy wouldn't always be fucking up the breakfast ritual if he could lower himself to pour the cereal from a box. it's not like we can all grow up in a 4-star hotel like you did.
posted by ennui.bz at 4:56 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
By dressing up and making a big deal out of breakfast they are reinforcing their love by showing that they consider time together to be a big deal, something worth fussing over.
something worth enough to time the breakfast ritual down to the second? "all-black designer cuckoo clock goes cuckoo cuckoo" perfect timing! no. "we're one minute later than yesterday. "
also, who spoons their cornflakes *into* their bowl? they could totally save some time if they just poured from the box. Maybe Daddy wouldn't always be fucking up the breakfast ritual if he could lower himself to pour the cereal from a box. it's not like we can all grow up in a 4-star hotel like you did.
posted by ennui.bz at 4:56 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
This is what commercials would be like if they were made by the same people who made Black Mirror. I can't see how the several daddy-issues commercials would be at all effective at selling jewelry, but maybe it will turn out to be a genius approach.
The fertility teddy bear is so gross that they must be in on the joke.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:57 AM on May 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
The fertility teddy bear is so gross that they must be in on the joke.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:57 AM on May 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
Kind of surprised that this hasn't come up yet, especially since the blue loves The Toast: If Gwyneth Paltrow Were Your Girlfriend.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:14 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:14 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
god, I just love these commercials, they are so bizarre. Best of the web!
posted by likeatoaster at 5:52 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by likeatoaster at 5:52 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Obviously what the teddy bear has is a front-butt.
posted by cda at 6:02 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by cda at 6:02 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
No. 2 with the mismatched-schedule-family was sweet.
I dunno, maybe I just abhor rigid authoritarianism in all its forms, even (especially?) when personified by a little girl.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 6:20 AM on May 3, 2016
I dunno, maybe I just abhor rigid authoritarianism in all its forms, even (especially?) when personified by a little girl.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 6:20 AM on May 3, 2016
I like these advertisements! They're well produced and thoughtful. And unsettling, but I'm sure deliberately so, which makes them smart.
If you like the horror vibe of #4 you may enjoy the film Ex Machina. Our Fanfare discussion (spoilers) has been really rewarding as someone new wanders in every month and says "holy shit this movie!".
posted by Nelson at 6:24 AM on May 3, 2016
If you like the horror vibe of #4 you may enjoy the film Ex Machina. Our Fanfare discussion (spoilers) has been really rewarding as someone new wanders in every month and says "holy shit this movie!".
posted by Nelson at 6:24 AM on May 3, 2016
No, Roderick actually does exist. It's just that he's tied up in the basement. And whenever Gwyneth laughs, it's because she's hearing his screams after her scalpel-wielding torture robots remove another layer of skin. Obviously.
posted by fungible at 6:24 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by fungible at 6:24 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
No. 1 had me saying "whaaaaat the fuuuuuuck," several times.
Also, ignoring for a second the horror narrative, how exactly are these tapes getting down from space? It's not like there's mail between the space station and the Earth.
posted by codacorolla at 6:36 AM on May 3, 2016
Also, ignoring for a second the horror narrative, how exactly are these tapes getting down from space? It's not like there's mail between the space station and the Earth.
posted by codacorolla at 6:36 AM on May 3, 2016
I'm assuming the astronaut made all the tapes before launch.
posted by plastic_animals at 6:50 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by plastic_animals at 6:50 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
No. 1 had me saying "whaaaaat the fuuuuuuck," several times.
Also, ignoring for a second the horror narrative, how exactly are these tapes getting down from space? It's not like there's mail between the space station and the Earth.
I believe the premise is that he prerecorded them before he left. I'm not sure where he bought the cassette tapes, though. Also, there's two models of the space shuttle next to his photo, implying that this is how he got into space. The tapes clearly say 2016. But, the shuttle stopped launching in 2011, with STS-135. That means if he went up in a shuttle (doubtful), then he's been in space for 5 years.
Also, he's English. The last Briton in space went up in 2008.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:52 AM on May 3, 2016 [6 favorites]
Also, ignoring for a second the horror narrative, how exactly are these tapes getting down from space? It's not like there's mail between the space station and the Earth.
I believe the premise is that he prerecorded them before he left. I'm not sure where he bought the cassette tapes, though. Also, there's two models of the space shuttle next to his photo, implying that this is how he got into space. The tapes clearly say 2016. But, the shuttle stopped launching in 2011, with STS-135. That means if he went up in a shuttle (doubtful), then he's been in space for 5 years.
Also, he's English. The last Briton in space went up in 2008.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:52 AM on May 3, 2016 [6 favorites]
17 DAYS WORTH OF TAPES I remind you. Finding 17 DAYS worth of chatter and loving nonsense to fill those tapes up with sure is...something.
posted by yasaman at 6:53 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by yasaman at 6:53 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
And today we learn that The Shining actually would have been better if Kubrick had Gwyneth do the Jack Nicholson part.
posted by bukvich at 6:55 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by bukvich at 6:55 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
That is to say, the last Briton shuttle astronaut went up in 2008. That means this poor bastard has been in orbit for 8 years. With that kind of bone loss, he's never coming back...
posted by leotrotsky at 6:59 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by leotrotsky at 6:59 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
WHY WHY WHY? There is no excuse for this teddy bear nut necklace.
Maybe they are just tumors?
So, what you're saying is that this is a teddy bear NUX necklace.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:02 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Maybe they are just tumors?
So, what you're saying is that this is a teddy bear NUX necklace.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:02 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
"Hi, my name is Teddy Ruxpin. Witness Me!"
posted by leotrotsky at 7:03 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
As far as I can tell, Piers Sellers was the last British citizen to fly on the space shuttle (May 2010). He is one of only three British astronauts to fly on the shuttle, which makes it exceedingly unlikely that this woman is romantically involved with one.
I'm with biffa. The astronaut husband doesn't exist and the tapes are blank. Playing the blank tapes is part of an elaborate ritual she's constructed that allows her to keep the fantasy going. The picture is of a real dude she dated for like a week, who dumped her once her craziness started to show. She spent several months stalking him until he took out a restraining order. In her twisted mind, he's become the astronaut husband who's on an extended (and super-important) space mission, who loves her dearly from afar.
posted by dephlogisticated at 7:14 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm with biffa. The astronaut husband doesn't exist and the tapes are blank. Playing the blank tapes is part of an elaborate ritual she's constructed that allows her to keep the fantasy going. The picture is of a real dude she dated for like a week, who dumped her once her craziness started to show. She spent several months stalking him until he took out a restraining order. In her twisted mind, he's become the astronaut husband who's on an extended (and super-important) space mission, who loves her dearly from afar.
posted by dephlogisticated at 7:14 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
Yes, and there's only one tape. Every day, she slips it into the next day's case.
posted by mochapickle at 7:24 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by mochapickle at 7:24 AM on May 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
Yep. The cases are labeled, the tapes are not.
At first I thought it was just one tape, but she does where a few different outfits, so let's say she's just cycling through the same set of 7 tapes every week.
posted by sparklemotion at 7:25 AM on May 3, 2016
At first I thought it was just one tape, but she does where a few different outfits, so let's say she's just cycling through the same set of 7 tapes every week.
posted by sparklemotion at 7:25 AM on May 3, 2016
Firstly - Ok, I've now watched number 1 and number 5 (?) in the series, and they are all super creepy.
Secondly - the jewlery itself, seems helluva fugly: I mean Exhibit a: Testicle/Breast Teddy bear o_o
Yuck.
posted by Faintdreams at 7:36 AM on May 3, 2016
Secondly - the jewlery itself, seems helluva fugly: I mean Exhibit a: Testicle/Breast Teddy bear o_o
Yuck.
posted by Faintdreams at 7:36 AM on May 3, 2016
Is the Astronaut Husband the new Canadian Boyfriend?
posted by bibliogrrl at 7:58 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by bibliogrrl at 7:58 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
I love overthinking the reality presented in commercials, even ones not as weird as this. More, please!
posted by Monochrome at 8:54 AM on May 3, 2016
posted by Monochrome at 8:54 AM on May 3, 2016
You guys are all nuts, you'll beanplate anything, it's just a commercial.
*watches commercial*
So, uh, do you guys have a newsletter or something?
posted by M Edward at 9:11 AM on May 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
*watches commercial*
So, uh, do you guys have a newsletter or something?
posted by M Edward at 9:11 AM on May 3, 2016 [7 favorites]
That bear is the ultimate troll, really. It's like they intentionally designed it with terrifying anatomy, and the whole game is to establish your classiness and poise by calling it charming and pretending you don't see it.
posted by mochapickle at 9:27 AM on May 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by mochapickle at 9:27 AM on May 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
I think the...protusions...on the bear necklace are supposed to be its legs, like it's sitting down with its big hind paws out in front of it in a classic pose like this. They really should have outlined the top of its feet to make it more clear.
Hire me for your design QC, TOUS!
posted by coolname at 9:38 AM on May 3, 2016
Hire me for your design QC, TOUS!
posted by coolname at 9:38 AM on May 3, 2016
This was awesome! I love stuff like this. I just want to read stuff like this all day long.
posted by aka burlap at 9:47 AM on May 3, 2016
posted by aka burlap at 9:47 AM on May 3, 2016
I really don't think we have all paid sufficient attention to the TIME LOOP. The tapes have dates, and yet all the zodiac signs cover the same four weeks! The tapes skip leap day! Clearly time passes in some way, since the weather changes, but somehow Roderick knows what the weather will be like!
New theory: Roderick has imprisoned Alice in a time loop/time bubble. He has left her loving missives via tape that perpetuate the illusion of time passing in a normal, linear way. Good morning, Alice, you're trapped in this prison for eternity :(
posted by yasaman at 10:06 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
New theory: Roderick has imprisoned Alice in a time loop/time bubble. He has left her loving missives via tape that perpetuate the illusion of time passing in a normal, linear way. Good morning, Alice, you're trapped in this prison for eternity :(
posted by yasaman at 10:06 AM on May 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Clearly time passes in some way, since the weather changes, but somehow Roderick knows what the weather will be like!
Except for he's wrong on the rainy day, he says it's sure to be good weather. And Gwyneth/Alice/Alice's murderer-and-life-stealer just smiles indulgently. Oh Roderick!
posted by aka burlap at 10:52 AM on May 3, 2016
Except for he's wrong on the rainy day, he says it's sure to be good weather. And Gwyneth/Alice/Alice's murderer-and-life-stealer just smiles indulgently. Oh Roderick!
posted by aka burlap at 10:52 AM on May 3, 2016
I don't see why we're presuming that Alice is an earthling. Roderick has discovered life, similar to ours, but with slight differences. He's on his way back, but not to Alice.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 11:12 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 11:12 AM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]
It could be the complementary storyline to "Solaris"
posted by rhizome at 11:25 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 11:25 AM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
The pendants are obviously Tanuki. Why? That is less clear.
posted by Mei's lost sandal at 2:35 PM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Mei's lost sandal at 2:35 PM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
This is like some alternative timeline Se7en where John Doe's ENVY causes him not to saw off Gwyneth's head, but to romance her with insane tape recordings and do creepy things inside her house. Like how you can not look at those rows and rows of tapes and not think of Doe's rows and rows of notebooks?
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:01 PM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:01 PM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
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posted by seasparrow at 11:23 PM on May 2, 2016 [1 favorite]