What about when your mother doesn't love you?
May 7, 2016 3:22 PM Subscribe
"Even if she is difficult, I’m supposed to love her, because, really, she loves me. But what if she doesn’t—not even in “her own way?” [...] Popular opinion thinks it’s fine to bitch about your fucked-up family or your crazy mother, so long as you do it lovingly—so long as it’s safe, appropriate."
This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's Request -- frimble
A very difficult read. Only makes me appreciate how lucky I am to have a relationship with my mother that is filled with warmth and love. It's not always perfect, but nothing like what the author describes. I'm glad she found the strength to get help and do what is best for her.
posted by Fizz at 3:40 PM on May 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Fizz at 3:40 PM on May 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
It's too bad that The Establishment doesn't allow comments, because the most heartbreaking thing about that essay was the part quoted above, which makes me feel as if she thinks that she's alone in this. There are a lot of essays and resources about toxic parents out there; there's stuff from the NYT and Lifehacker and Psychology Today and, hey, even the blue. She's got a lot of people out there in the same boat as her.
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:14 PM on May 7, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:14 PM on May 7, 2016 [8 favorites]
I was disowned a few months ago for writing a snarky tweet. Stories like this make me feel a lot less alone.
posted by harperpitt at 4:39 PM on May 7, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by harperpitt at 4:39 PM on May 7, 2016 [16 favorites]
It was heartening to learn that her MILs version of maternal love is there to embrace her. I hope she can relax into it.
posted by datawrangler at 4:39 PM on May 7, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by datawrangler at 4:39 PM on May 7, 2016 [4 favorites]
"In that moment, I saw clearly how she took my reality, absorbed my experience and turned it into something else, something not me." So painful. Though the whole piece is a tough read, this is the line that stood out for me: the idea of being rejected so thoroughly that one is consumed and spit out as something more acceptable, something that doesn't resemble the self at all. Being "enough" looks impossible from there, and I hope that Nicole Higgins Desmet can find her way.
posted by MonkeyToes at 4:43 PM on May 7, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by MonkeyToes at 4:43 PM on May 7, 2016 [8 favorites]
.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 4:53 PM on May 7, 2016
posted by WalkerWestridge at 4:53 PM on May 7, 2016
I'm not sure if it makes it easier or worse knowing that a lot of the incomprehensible venom my father has spewed at me the last few months is due to the mental illness we share. So much of my waking life has been consumed by the fear that I will end up like him, I just don't know what to do. The idea of having a family to fuck up myself makes me physically ill. I can tell myself that it's not really him, but I don't even know what that means, or what it implies about me. I couldn't finish reading this article. Maybe later it will be easier. Maybe I need to call my brother back and have that conversation I have been dreading. I just really don't know how much longer I can tolerate this without cracking.
For now I am stable on the medication I am taking, but I remain fearful that like my dad, I will one day stop taking it as the damage it does to my body accrues to unacceptable levels.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 5:15 PM on May 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
For now I am stable on the medication I am taking, but I remain fearful that like my dad, I will one day stop taking it as the damage it does to my body accrues to unacceptable levels.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 5:15 PM on May 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
"It didn’t feel like a choice; it felt like I would die if I let her in my head again."
Well, that resonated. I very clearly remember the moment, several years ago now, when I realized that cutting contact was nothing less than a matter of survival. The mix of exhilaration, terror, and resolve that realization produced is not easily explainable, but it's unforgettable.
posted by come_back_breathing at 6:45 PM on May 7, 2016 [11 favorites]
Well, that resonated. I very clearly remember the moment, several years ago now, when I realized that cutting contact was nothing less than a matter of survival. The mix of exhilaration, terror, and resolve that realization produced is not easily explainable, but it's unforgettable.
posted by come_back_breathing at 6:45 PM on May 7, 2016 [11 favorites]
->cyclotronboy
I've spent at least twenty minutes trying to write a comment before deleting it and starting again. Maybe this will be the one.
This cuts me straight to the bone. The first time I described my mother as abusive was just this year even though the behaviour has been occurring since forever. I always downplayed it, the way I downplay everything bad that happens to me because my mother taught me that everything is always my fault. When my first girlfriend broke up with me and I was bawling on the couch because I'd never felt pain so intense before my mother walked down the stairs and told me "I knew she'd do it, you weren't a very good boyfriend" and then walked back up. That's a very gentle slice of over two decades of life.
It's difficult to talk about it. For me it's because the whole thing is just a mass cluster of still sensitive nerves. The article was so difficult to read, I had to skim it three or four times because I started to panic a little. I'm glad she's writing this, I'm going to favourite it because maybe in a few years I'll be able to come back to it.
posted by Neronomius at 6:51 PM on May 7, 2016 [10 favorites]
I've spent at least twenty minutes trying to write a comment before deleting it and starting again. Maybe this will be the one.
This cuts me straight to the bone. The first time I described my mother as abusive was just this year even though the behaviour has been occurring since forever. I always downplayed it, the way I downplay everything bad that happens to me because my mother taught me that everything is always my fault. When my first girlfriend broke up with me and I was bawling on the couch because I'd never felt pain so intense before my mother walked down the stairs and told me "I knew she'd do it, you weren't a very good boyfriend" and then walked back up. That's a very gentle slice of over two decades of life.
It's difficult to talk about it. For me it's because the whole thing is just a mass cluster of still sensitive nerves. The article was so difficult to read, I had to skim it three or four times because I started to panic a little. I'm glad she's writing this, I'm going to favourite it because maybe in a few years I'll be able to come back to it.
posted by Neronomius at 6:51 PM on May 7, 2016 [10 favorites]
All I can say is, I deeply understand where this woman's coming from.
Yup.
posted by droplet at 7:05 PM on May 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yup.
posted by droplet at 7:05 PM on May 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
I helped a young friend through this in her mid-twenties. She never knew who her birth father was. She emancipated at 16 and moved out of her mother's/stepfather's house for good. But 10 years later when her mom developed/expressed more mental illness and got physically sick she felt like she had a "responsibility" to help her still-abusive mom.
I kept telling her until it became a mantra, "Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you have to love, or even like them. It's okay to drop contact."
She did.
Since then we have adopted each other as little sister/big brother (I'm 20 years older.) We live three blocks apart, take vacations together and our friendship is one of the best relationships in our lives.
posted by ITravelMontana at 7:54 PM on May 7, 2016 [9 favorites]
I kept telling her until it became a mantra, "Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you have to love, or even like them. It's okay to drop contact."
She did.
Since then we have adopted each other as little sister/big brother (I'm 20 years older.) We live three blocks apart, take vacations together and our friendship is one of the best relationships in our lives.
posted by ITravelMontana at 7:54 PM on May 7, 2016 [9 favorites]
I think people do have a responsibility to take care of their sick relatives. We all have a responsibility to take care of the sick and weak regardless, so why not start with those closest to us. That said, I'm estranged by choice from my own father because he was badly damaged in a way that made him an active risk to me and my family, and in ways that could never be healed. That happens, sure, but rarely. In my dad's case, he literally had brain damage that left him impulsively violent and sadistic. But I still love and miss him, and wish it could be otherwise. It makes me cringe to see responsibility in scare quotes. We're all responsible to each other goddamit. It's the social contract, it's basic decency, it's being human. Without that, we don't have anything that could be called civilization. We're just noise.
posted by saulgoodman at 8:45 PM on May 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by saulgoodman at 8:45 PM on May 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
.
posted by seasparrow at 9:13 PM on May 7, 2016
posted by seasparrow at 9:13 PM on May 7, 2016
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Your family are not the people you're related to but are those that support your growth and love you and are there for you. The people who do not allow their family members dignity, autonomy and respect and self esteem and choose to be emotionally, verbally or physically abusive aren't entitled to any kind of expectations of the people they harm.
posted by discopolo at 9:13 PM on May 7, 2016 [19 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 9:13 PM on May 7, 2016 [19 favorites]
Parents have a responsibility to take care of their children--to not be abusive, to not manipulate them, to allow them the healthy ego-centrism of childhood, to allow and encourage them to be their own people. Failure to do that is the breach of the social contract--not failure to take care of "sick relatives" who've treated you poorly. Illness, mental or physical, diagnosed or assumed, doesn't excuse the harm that they caused and, in many cases, continue to cause.
We're responsible to ourselves first and foremost. You're meant to put on your own oxygen mask first, and sometimes that means not caring for or even being in contact with people who've hurt you. The less I'm in contact with my family, the more I'm able to care for myself, my child, and the network of friends who make up my family of choice.
Saulgoodman, you seem to feel that cutting off your father was a reasonable and necessary choice, made understandable because he had a brain injury that made him violent and unstable. But you, at least, know that this violent, unstable person is not who your father would have chosen to be. You can remember him as a different person, a kinder person. Many people can't, because their parents have never been anything but cruel, anything but violent and self-centered and thoughtless. Surely you're not suggesting that these people have more of a responsibility to their abusive parents than you do to your sick father, but that's certainly how your comment reads.
posted by mishafletch at 9:25 PM on May 7, 2016 [24 favorites]
We're responsible to ourselves first and foremost. You're meant to put on your own oxygen mask first, and sometimes that means not caring for or even being in contact with people who've hurt you. The less I'm in contact with my family, the more I'm able to care for myself, my child, and the network of friends who make up my family of choice.
Saulgoodman, you seem to feel that cutting off your father was a reasonable and necessary choice, made understandable because he had a brain injury that made him violent and unstable. But you, at least, know that this violent, unstable person is not who your father would have chosen to be. You can remember him as a different person, a kinder person. Many people can't, because their parents have never been anything but cruel, anything but violent and self-centered and thoughtless. Surely you're not suggesting that these people have more of a responsibility to their abusive parents than you do to your sick father, but that's certainly how your comment reads.
posted by mishafletch at 9:25 PM on May 7, 2016 [24 favorites]
Nobody should be shamed for keeping healthy boundaries, and staying away from toxic people, family or otherwise. Many of us have complicated relationships with our abusers, and some of us can't begin on the long road to healing if we have any contact. It really helps nobody to suggest that an abuse victim should maintain a relationship with their abuser. That's just piling guilt onto the suffering of others.
posted by krinklyfig at 9:58 PM on May 7, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by krinklyfig at 9:58 PM on May 7, 2016 [14 favorites]
Its not for nothing that "Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you" is the fifth commandment.
If you look at it as two sets of five that one is nearly an afterthought. Up there with don't covet your neighbor's donkey. No false gods and don't kill are the two biggies and after that they follow two falling power laws.
Johan Oldenkamp "The Original Ten Commandments" <------ this guy is a heathen but he has an interesting take
posted by bukvich at 10:13 PM on May 7, 2016
If you look at it as two sets of five that one is nearly an afterthought. Up there with don't covet your neighbor's donkey. No false gods and don't kill are the two biggies and after that they follow two falling power laws.
Johan Oldenkamp "The Original Ten Commandments" <------ this guy is a heathen but he has an interesting take
posted by bukvich at 10:13 PM on May 7, 2016
A parent has a responsibility to raise, teach and love their child to adulthood. A child has no responsibility to endure abuse, before adulthood or after. I support all if you who choose to save yourselves rather than let your parents suck you down. We only get one life, but it is ours to live, not our parents to consume.
posted by emjaybee at 10:19 PM on May 7, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by emjaybee at 10:19 PM on May 7, 2016 [14 favorites]
My dad and I were having lunch together a few years back, when out of the blue he offered his advice that I should date women who are younger than me, because I wasn't emotionally mature. At the time I was in my late 30s, he was in his late 60s and dating a woman MY AGE, and previous to her he refused to date women over 30 (that's how he literally cut things off with a few women he dated, when they turned 30, like the day of). I mean, sure, Dad, the PTSD I got from your abuse and lack of empathy fucked up my emotional development, though I didn't say it out loud and laughed instead, and he said, "No, I'm serious." Like he thought he was really trying to help.
Based on his advice for me, pushing 40 at the time, to date younger women, who are by his logic more at my stunted emotional level... what does it say about his level of emotional maturity, pushing 70, dating women in their 20s? I mean, maybe he shouldn't be offering his sage advice to someone higher up on the chain.
Anyway, not long after that I no longer had interest in keeping in contact, and instead put my energy into therapy and healing, and surrounding myself with caring, decent people. Wasted far too much of my life on his flavor of narcissism, and I don't miss it.
posted by krinklyfig at 10:53 PM on May 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
Based on his advice for me, pushing 40 at the time, to date younger women, who are by his logic more at my stunted emotional level... what does it say about his level of emotional maturity, pushing 70, dating women in their 20s? I mean, maybe he shouldn't be offering his sage advice to someone higher up on the chain.
Anyway, not long after that I no longer had interest in keeping in contact, and instead put my energy into therapy and healing, and surrounding myself with caring, decent people. Wasted far too much of my life on his flavor of narcissism, and I don't miss it.
posted by krinklyfig at 10:53 PM on May 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
Those of us that cut off our parents for being an active risk to ourselves are told all the time that we should have tried harder.
And yet, as far as I can tell, virtually no one tells abusive parents who lost their relationships with their kids "Well, looks like you should have tried harder not to be such a dangerous person that they had to cut you off."
posted by Pater Aletheias at 6:44 AM on May 8, 2016 [34 favorites]
And yet, as far as I can tell, virtually no one tells abusive parents who lost their relationships with their kids "Well, looks like you should have tried harder not to be such a dangerous person that they had to cut you off."
posted by Pater Aletheias at 6:44 AM on May 8, 2016 [34 favorites]
I didn't speak to my parents for 17 years.
The hardest thing about dangerous parents is that it can be impossible to explain to them that they're being dangerous, because they frame their meddling and interference as help. They're not undermining you, they're saving you from that terrible life decision they know yous should have made differently. How can it be hurting you when they're doing it for your own good?
posted by Bringer Tom at 7:38 AM on May 8, 2016 [6 favorites]
The hardest thing about dangerous parents is that it can be impossible to explain to them that they're being dangerous, because they frame their meddling and interference as help. They're not undermining you, they're saving you from that terrible life decision they know yous should have made differently. How can it be hurting you when they're doing it for your own good?
posted by Bringer Tom at 7:38 AM on May 8, 2016 [6 favorites]
This was not my personal experience, but an excellent article and I sent it to several friends who had abusive mothers. The damage persists long after the dreadful mom is gone.
posted by mermayd at 7:48 AM on May 8, 2016
posted by mermayd at 7:48 AM on May 8, 2016
I cared for my ailing mother in her later years as I was the daughter who lived nearby, vs. my sister whose glamorous globe-trotting lifestyle took her everywhere but home. Of course, this sister was Mom's ideal, even if she was never around. I did everything possible for her, enabling her to do as she pleased, and received scant thanks.
During a brief, disastrous pregnancy, Mom repeatedly told me "don't think I'll be doing any babysitting, I'm too old for that stuff." My failure to bring a child to term was further confirmation to her that I was sub-par; I received no support from her whatsoever after the miscarriage.
After her death, I had people I barely new, people who'd done work for her, tell me "wow, your mother really didn't like you!" That they would say such a thing has always been stunning in itself, but that she made a point of telling virtually everyone leaves me with a feeling I cannot process no matter how hard I try. It's a feeling that becomes fresh and raw every time I hear phrases like "an unconditional mother's love". My mother's love was entirely conditional.
To be unloved by one's mother makes one an anomaly, a monster, something so unnatural it needs to be shunned--or so I gather from the people I've known. Never is it suggested that she simply did not like me--that I reminded her of her own mother with whom she had issues. It has made me feel like an outsider my entire life.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
posted by kinnakeet at 7:50 AM on May 8, 2016 [20 favorites]
During a brief, disastrous pregnancy, Mom repeatedly told me "don't think I'll be doing any babysitting, I'm too old for that stuff." My failure to bring a child to term was further confirmation to her that I was sub-par; I received no support from her whatsoever after the miscarriage.
After her death, I had people I barely new, people who'd done work for her, tell me "wow, your mother really didn't like you!" That they would say such a thing has always been stunning in itself, but that she made a point of telling virtually everyone leaves me with a feeling I cannot process no matter how hard I try. It's a feeling that becomes fresh and raw every time I hear phrases like "an unconditional mother's love". My mother's love was entirely conditional.
To be unloved by one's mother makes one an anomaly, a monster, something so unnatural it needs to be shunned--or so I gather from the people I've known. Never is it suggested that she simply did not like me--that I reminded her of her own mother with whom she had issues. It has made me feel like an outsider my entire life.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
posted by kinnakeet at 7:50 AM on May 8, 2016 [20 favorites]
My mom was not a violent schizophrenic, but I had spent my whole life disappointing her by not being the well-behaved, feminine, heterosexual daughter she wanted, by not quietly enabling my father's alcoholism with her, by not smiling and taking on all the responsibilities my brother got to shirk, by not playing along when she screamed and gaslit me, which was every interaction we ever had. The best thing she ever did for me as a parent was to leave me to my own devices.
I do not get asked to reconcile with her because she is dead, but I rarely get to talk about my actual feelings because there is a script for having a dead parent and it is a script of grief and loss, and relief is not permitted.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:56 AM on May 8, 2016 [14 favorites]
I do not get asked to reconcile with her because she is dead, but I rarely get to talk about my actual feelings because there is a script for having a dead parent and it is a script of grief and loss, and relief is not permitted.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:56 AM on May 8, 2016 [14 favorites]
saulgoodman: To come into this post and declare that we have a responsibility to our abusive parents is, at best, incredibly tone-deaf and insensitive. If our parents met the requirements for "basic decency", perhaps this would be a different conversation. But it's this conversation, where parents who were abusive have lost the right to any sort of responsibility we may have had towards them, and chastising folk for this is like the polar opposite of empathetic.
Or: I do feel responsible to those closest to me. Too bad my parents chose not to be those people.
posted by XtinaS at 9:03 AM on May 8, 2016 [14 favorites]
Or: I do feel responsible to those closest to me. Too bad my parents chose not to be those people.
posted by XtinaS at 9:03 AM on May 8, 2016 [14 favorites]
So, moms... My mom was also abused by my dad, and she was alcoholic and bulimic for many years after their divorce. Although she wasn't abusive on the same level as my dad, she had bad coping mechanisms and much of the time didn't have the emotional capacity to handle being a parent, though still high functioning in career and keeping up appearances. She did the best she could. But she eventually got help and is pretty healthy today. I'm grateful, because she is by nature a compassionate and kind person who had to struggle to arrive there late in life, and it could have turned out much worse. Even so, I had to cut off contact for a couple years after my PTSD diagnosis, but it wasn't meant to be permanent- it was necessary, but I felt awful about it at the time. I'm sure there was a lot of unprocessed trauma involved for everyone.
My dad's side of the family is by tradition a slow rolling trainwreck, albeit a well-financed one, mostly not on speaking terms these days. I'm grateful for that last part, too. My grandfather on that side was a cruel, miserable person who beat the shit out of his wife and kids (my dad and his siblings) – a self-made multi-millionaire land developer and insurance salesman with prominent social stature, who openly admired Hitler and inflicted suffering and contempt on anyone close to him. It's his Legacy of Shit that transcended the generations, which I now work to heal.
posted by krinklyfig at 10:50 AM on May 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
My dad's side of the family is by tradition a slow rolling trainwreck, albeit a well-financed one, mostly not on speaking terms these days. I'm grateful for that last part, too. My grandfather on that side was a cruel, miserable person who beat the shit out of his wife and kids (my dad and his siblings) – a self-made multi-millionaire land developer and insurance salesman with prominent social stature, who openly admired Hitler and inflicted suffering and contempt on anyone close to him. It's his Legacy of Shit that transcended the generations, which I now work to heal.
posted by krinklyfig at 10:50 AM on May 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
There are a lot of people in this thread that I would really like to offer a hug and a good strong drink. Thanks for sharing, everyone.
posted by kinnakeet at 11:07 AM on May 8, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by kinnakeet at 11:07 AM on May 8, 2016 [11 favorites]
I was the best daughter I knew how to be. It was insufficient. I am a better person because I did those things, but it took a toll, as life does. I am unable to be part of normal family life because my mother really hated me. Never in front of anyone else, so I looked like the bad guy. I am pretty sure her mother did the same thing to her. I spent a lot of time in the emergency room as a kid because my brothers knew they could hurt me with impunity. They still like to take a swing at me when I get close. Therefore I stay away.
The upside is I spent much of my life nurturing those around me in the way I would have liked to be loved. That has been successful in healing at least some of the fearful wounds an abusive childhood inflicts.
There are no easy answers about how you feel when you come to realize that normal people don't treat each other the way you were treated. I can only hope she made her peace before she died.
posted by LuckyMonkey21 at 11:16 AM on May 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
The upside is I spent much of my life nurturing those around me in the way I would have liked to be loved. That has been successful in healing at least some of the fearful wounds an abusive childhood inflicts.
There are no easy answers about how you feel when you come to realize that normal people don't treat each other the way you were treated. I can only hope she made her peace before she died.
posted by LuckyMonkey21 at 11:16 AM on May 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
After her death, I had people I barely new, people who'd done work for her, tell me "wow, your mother really didn't like you!" That they would say such a thing has always been stunning in itself, but that she made a point of telling virtually everyone leaves me with a feeling I cannot process no matter how hard I try.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, kinnakeet. It definitely helps to know sometimes that you're not the only one who saw it, but it has to really hurt hearing about it like that.
It can go the other way, too. Often, a narcissist will have "flying monkeys," people who enable the abuse by doing the narcissist's bidding, although it's often at a subconscious level. I have experienced a lot of people telling me my dad loves me, though he rarely said it himself, or expressed it in healthy ways. I especially heard this while undergoing treatment for long term mental health issues, almost as if he were afraid I'd cut him off if I became mentally healthy and healed from his abuse, though again he never said it. I mean, why do other people (often outside my family) feel the need to reinforce the notion that deep down my dad really loves me? Of course, to people who don't recognize abusive behavior, this all seems perfectly reasonable. But if my dad wants to express his love in a meaningful way, he can start by acknowledging his abuse, and apologize for it. Oh, I heard from other people how sorry he was that he beat and choked me at the age of 12 because I didn't want to use a hair dryer before walking to the bus stop, the day I promised myself I would never live in his house again, but I never once heard him say it. They pleaded with me to forgive him, as surely it wasn't all that bad, right? and look how badly he was treated by his own father, so you must understand how lucky you are... but nobody seemed concerned about my feelings or well being. They only expressed concern that I was hurting his feelings by refusing to live with him anymore, after growing up with his control issues, rage and abuse. It took many years of therapy before I could even recognize it as abuse, because everyone else seemed much more interested in my abuser's feelings than my own.
posted by krinklyfig at 12:44 PM on May 8, 2016 [11 favorites]
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, kinnakeet. It definitely helps to know sometimes that you're not the only one who saw it, but it has to really hurt hearing about it like that.
It can go the other way, too. Often, a narcissist will have "flying monkeys," people who enable the abuse by doing the narcissist's bidding, although it's often at a subconscious level. I have experienced a lot of people telling me my dad loves me, though he rarely said it himself, or expressed it in healthy ways. I especially heard this while undergoing treatment for long term mental health issues, almost as if he were afraid I'd cut him off if I became mentally healthy and healed from his abuse, though again he never said it. I mean, why do other people (often outside my family) feel the need to reinforce the notion that deep down my dad really loves me? Of course, to people who don't recognize abusive behavior, this all seems perfectly reasonable. But if my dad wants to express his love in a meaningful way, he can start by acknowledging his abuse, and apologize for it. Oh, I heard from other people how sorry he was that he beat and choked me at the age of 12 because I didn't want to use a hair dryer before walking to the bus stop, the day I promised myself I would never live in his house again, but I never once heard him say it. They pleaded with me to forgive him, as surely it wasn't all that bad, right? and look how badly he was treated by his own father, so you must understand how lucky you are... but nobody seemed concerned about my feelings or well being. They only expressed concern that I was hurting his feelings by refusing to live with him anymore, after growing up with his control issues, rage and abuse. It took many years of therapy before I could even recognize it as abuse, because everyone else seemed much more interested in my abuser's feelings than my own.
posted by krinklyfig at 12:44 PM on May 8, 2016 [11 favorites]
Anyway, I apologize for being somewhat off topic for bringing my dad into a thread about abusive mothers, but it's all on a continuum of dysfunctional family patterns. I don't talk about it all that often anymore, but it feels better after writing it down here, and knowing I'm not alone. Thanks for letting me share my story, and much appreciation and gratitude for everyone else who did. You are not alone.
posted by krinklyfig at 1:08 PM on May 8, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by krinklyfig at 1:08 PM on May 8, 2016 [7 favorites]
I've found the Sub-Reddit Raised by Narcissists to be a helpful, supportive place. They have a lot of Mother's Day-inspired posts that might prove useful to MeFites for whom this essay raised difficult emotions.
posted by carmicha at 4:15 PM on May 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 4:15 PM on May 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
My mom is a self-absorbed, histrionic narcissist who turns 70 on Wednesday. She is not cut off, but there are huge, wall shaped boundaries that she resents the hell out of and tries her best to sneak around. I don't have any memories of a loving mother or a comforting mother. I can only remember furious, disappointed and leaving mother (she'd pack a suitcase and hit the road every so often because we were such terrible children).
I have no sentimentality for her. I never found a mother-substitute and have no nurturing female presence in my life either now or in my past. When she dies, I'm not expecting any emotion but relief, but given that my family members tend to live into their mid-90s, I won't get that relief for another 20 years or more. I never quite understand how other people feel so loving toward their mothers. Mother's day sucks for me, but at least it's over for another year.
Sorry for the rant, but thanks for allowing a space to vent.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:10 AM on May 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
I have no sentimentality for her. I never found a mother-substitute and have no nurturing female presence in my life either now or in my past. When she dies, I'm not expecting any emotion but relief, but given that my family members tend to live into their mid-90s, I won't get that relief for another 20 years or more. I never quite understand how other people feel so loving toward their mothers. Mother's day sucks for me, but at least it's over for another year.
Sorry for the rant, but thanks for allowing a space to vent.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:10 AM on May 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
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Its not for nothing that "Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you" is the fifth commandment.
posted by Middlemarch at 3:38 PM on May 7, 2016