His nipples are always erect for no fucking reason
May 10, 2016 11:42 PM   Subscribe

 
This is the version of the original tumblr post I am familiar with, a reblog complete with an illustration . Original tumblr post by kehinki here.
posted by oneear at 12:18 AM on May 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Thanks, oneear. I'll see if the mods will change my link.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:30 AM on May 11, 2016


[Done; thanks! (originally an imgur link)]
posted by taz (staff) at 12:36 AM on May 11, 2016


Helen Mirren emerges in a tuxedo, also smoking, also with a duffel bag of rocket launchers.

Yes please.
posted by like_neon at 1:54 AM on May 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


Isn't that her character in RED 2? I don't blame you if you haven't seen it.
posted by biffa at 3:22 AM on May 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


This is what the publicity would look like.
posted by googly at 4:17 AM on May 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


I hadn't seen this version before Thank you, brave citizen!
posted by Rainbo Vagrant at 5:06 AM on May 11, 2016


Um, does it kind of undercut their entire point that that sounds like an amazingly entertaining movie (cis het guy who could never get into James Bond)?
posted by rikschell at 5:13 AM on May 11, 2016


It's worth noting WRT the upcoming Ghostbusters remake that, amid all the uproar over the plot and racial politics and whatnot, it has Chris Hemsworth doing pretty much that sort of eye candy role.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:17 AM on May 11, 2016


It's worth noting that Metafilter's own Charlie Stross already kinda did the novelization with The Jennifer Morgue.
posted by adamrice at 6:37 AM on May 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


"Somewhere a male studio exec has woken up screaming in agony, and he doesn’t know why. "

Gorgeous.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:50 AM on May 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


Jennifer Morgue is awesome, but not sure computer geek and bureaucracy laden civil servant Bob is exactly what kehinki was picturing for the male lead.
posted by mark k at 7:05 AM on May 11, 2016


Can somebody put up a link to the imgur link for those who may not be able to access Tumblr at work?
posted by I-baLL at 7:17 AM on May 11, 2016


I saw this going around Tumblr a while back, and I keep praying that someone contacts Helen Mirren, pitches her on it, and Mirren loves it so much that she immediately starts calling in favors so that the film gets funded and produced. Lucy Liu joins the effort, and they recruit Lupita Nyong'o, Gina Rodriguez, and Alicia Vikander for the cast. Judi Dench comes on board as the villain, who once had a torrid affair with Mirren's character (backstory told in sepia-toned flashbacks with Rooney Mara and Jessica Chastain as the younger edition of the characters).

Merle Streep takes up the Producer mantle and starts making calls. She adds a narratively-irrelevant-yet-blisteringly-hot sex scene between Nyong'o and Idris Elba, and that clinches the funding. Harvey Weinstein starts throwing money at the project.

Screw theatrical release, get this onto the major streaming services. I'd bet Netflix and/or Amazon would be all over this project like fleas on a dog.
posted by magstheaxe at 7:18 AM on May 11, 2016 [15 favorites]


Here you go, I-baLL.
posted by taz at 7:50 AM on May 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


...so where's the Kickstarter?
posted by I-baLL at 9:54 AM on May 11, 2016


Here's contact information for Mirren, including a mailing address for her and full contact info for her agent.

In case anyone wants to get this in front of her.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:58 AM on May 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I would love to see this movie. Not only do I see Zac Efron as the Action Boy, I think he'd actually do it.
posted by dnash at 10:05 AM on May 11, 2016


Not only would I pay to watch this movie, I'd pay to watch every one of the subsequent shitty iterations in the inevitable franchise.

Also Judi Dench can be the villain first, ok, but I demand Diana Rigg as the villain in the sequel.
posted by karayel at 11:55 PM on May 11, 2016


Lucy Lawless needs to be in this somewhere.

And why is this thread bereft of the potential character names for the hunk in the fine (which is to say awful) tradition of "Pussy Galore" and what-not? Something that allows Mirren to make a quip as the credits roll that you knew was coming (so to speak) but until uttered you had no idea how truly abysmal it would be ("I heard Christmas comes only once per year" or whatever than was ).

I want this franchise to have an uncommon number of women in supporting roles, dressed appropriately for their work. Drivers, bodyguards, random people seen working in stores, repairmen, politicians. Moneypenny is a man. When men are in a scene alone together, they only talk about the leading female characters, and not "man she has a nice ass" but "if [Mirren] can't pull this off, I dunno what will happen" or "she's a heartless killing machine, but that's the thing I find so attractive about her".

I want boys on dates asserting after the show that "no one's speedo looks like that coming out of a cold pool!" I want them to be uncomfortable about the amount of gratuitous man-ass on camera.

Oh god, the thought of the meninist tears is delicious.
posted by maxwelton at 12:32 AM on May 12, 2016 [7 favorites]


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