Screw, spend, sleep: My battle with bipolar disorder
May 13, 2016 1:49 PM Subscribe
Mania goes like this: It’s 3 am and I’m wide awake and ready to conquer the world. The rest of the world is sleeping, but I just don’t seem to need sleep. Nope, too much to do, and here are the priorities: buy a $200 belly dancing costume online, break out my oil paints and finish a painting, put shelves up in my room, work on my book (I’ll get another idea for a different book and have to start that too), start an heirloom yogurt business, research farmer’s market permit laws for said yogurt business, go to a meeting and take on a new sponsee, buy a book on the ancient myths of Egypt, read the book on the ancient myths of Egypt, fuck my boyfriend twice, practice playing finger cymbals and practice my Spanish online. Right now I’m learning conditional future tenses.
What I won’t do that day is eat, brush my teeth, take a shower, make my bed, clean my room, pay my bills, clip my toenails or put gas in the car—I’ll run the tank down until the needle falls well below empty. I’m a genius, you see, on the verge of an artistic breakthrough. Geniuses like me have more important things to do than fill the gas tank.
What I won’t do that day is eat, brush my teeth, take a shower, make my bed, clean my room, pay my bills, clip my toenails or put gas in the car—I’ll run the tank down until the needle falls well below empty. I’m a genius, you see, on the verge of an artistic breakthrough. Geniuses like me have more important things to do than fill the gas tank.
Thanks! I don't have this disorder (I have others!) but someone I love does. This piece really helped me understand more about her struggles, which she rarely discusses. I don't blame her for keeping them private, I just appreciate getting some perspective from another person who also has bipolar disorder. Of course, everyone is different, your mileage may vary, yada yada.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:59 PM on May 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 1:59 PM on May 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Wow. This hit so close to home it almost took my breath away, especially the description of driving while manic. That's something I find the most difficult to express to people about this illness: why "mania" is not a good thing, and how much it can undermine you.
I've really nothing else to add, other than thank you for sharing this. It's going to go to a few loved ones this evening for sure.
posted by jammer at 2:36 PM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
I've really nothing else to add, other than thank you for sharing this. It's going to go to a few loved ones this evening for sure.
posted by jammer at 2:36 PM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
I highly recommend Ellen Forney's graphic memoir "Marbles", about being an artist with bipolar disorder.
posted by bruceo at 2:37 PM on May 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by bruceo at 2:37 PM on May 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
This hits close to home.
My 30 year-old brother had a very scary psychotic break roughly 2 years ago now. Full on delusion/paranoia and it was fucking terrifying to witness. Here was my completely "sane" brother talking absolute nonsense and thinking people were following him, controlling his thoughts, etc. But it was directly after an LSD trip so was it drug-induced? We weren't sure.
A couple of stints in the local psych ward led to a diagnosis of bipolar with schizoaffective tendencies. A medication cocktail brought him back to reality. Thank god. After a difficult year (the fallout from the episode left him without a place to live, lost friends, kicked out of college and working a shit job while he drank and drugged himself to try to numb it all). Went into rehab and he really worked his sobriety. After many months of good progress he decided to wean off his psych meds because he couldn't stand their side effects.
Well, everything was copacetic for about 8 months until his next psychotic break. This one landed him in jail for stealing a bottle of water and daring the clerk to call the cops. Jail and more hospital. Realized once and for all that his brain needed these meds or it would go haywire. He's obsessively diligent about his medication now and hasn't had any other episodes. But holy shit, the trauma and pain of trying to understand this whole illness has really been a nightmare for him. Not to mention the fallout of the second episode, which again he lost friends over, lost his sponsor, lost his sober living home.
My heart breaks for him as he tries to fight his depression daily and pick up the pieces of his life. All the while our family looks for signs of mania getting out of control. The whole fucking thing is just... unfair. Mental illness is no joke.
posted by bologna on wry at 2:42 PM on May 13, 2016 [26 favorites]
My 30 year-old brother had a very scary psychotic break roughly 2 years ago now. Full on delusion/paranoia and it was fucking terrifying to witness. Here was my completely "sane" brother talking absolute nonsense and thinking people were following him, controlling his thoughts, etc. But it was directly after an LSD trip so was it drug-induced? We weren't sure.
A couple of stints in the local psych ward led to a diagnosis of bipolar with schizoaffective tendencies. A medication cocktail brought him back to reality. Thank god. After a difficult year (the fallout from the episode left him without a place to live, lost friends, kicked out of college and working a shit job while he drank and drugged himself to try to numb it all). Went into rehab and he really worked his sobriety. After many months of good progress he decided to wean off his psych meds because he couldn't stand their side effects.
Well, everything was copacetic for about 8 months until his next psychotic break. This one landed him in jail for stealing a bottle of water and daring the clerk to call the cops. Jail and more hospital. Realized once and for all that his brain needed these meds or it would go haywire. He's obsessively diligent about his medication now and hasn't had any other episodes. But holy shit, the trauma and pain of trying to understand this whole illness has really been a nightmare for him. Not to mention the fallout of the second episode, which again he lost friends over, lost his sponsor, lost his sober living home.
My heart breaks for him as he tries to fight his depression daily and pick up the pieces of his life. All the while our family looks for signs of mania getting out of control. The whole fucking thing is just... unfair. Mental illness is no joke.
posted by bologna on wry at 2:42 PM on May 13, 2016 [26 favorites]
Much love, bologna on wry. The medication cycle is, in my opinion, one of the most evil parts of bipolar disorder. As much as I know, rationally, that me-off-meds is a scary thing, dangerous to myself and others, when I'm on a stronger manic crest it's all too easy to decide that I feel fine and I don't need them any more. And then bad things happen.
You are doing a wonderful thing by actively watching his mental state for signs of change. That is something I ask of most of my closest loved ones: if you think I'm starting to swing, please let me know. It can be hard for me to notice it when I'm in the middle of it. By all means, keep doing that -- speaking from real experience, it is both extremely helpful and simply reassuring to have someone you know has your back in that way.
Best of luck to all of you.
posted by jammer at 2:53 PM on May 13, 2016 [14 favorites]
You are doing a wonderful thing by actively watching his mental state for signs of change. That is something I ask of most of my closest loved ones: if you think I'm starting to swing, please let me know. It can be hard for me to notice it when I'm in the middle of it. By all means, keep doing that -- speaking from real experience, it is both extremely helpful and simply reassuring to have someone you know has your back in that way.
Best of luck to all of you.
posted by jammer at 2:53 PM on May 13, 2016 [14 favorites]
Screw Spend Sleep: it's the bipolar version of Eat Pray Love. I remember i could paint the walls of my room at 2am when manic and now I wonder where the hell I had the energy now that I'm fairly stable. I will say (TMI) that manic orgasms were brain-damagingly good. Until you hit the point where you can't stop. But it was like climbing Mount Everest, hitting the peak and then falling down the other side. I sort of miss the highs but they always mean the lows. What goes up, must come down.
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 3:43 PM on May 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 3:43 PM on May 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
It took my until my mid-30s to see that mania can be bad and super dysphoric. Kindling is a likely explanation for the delay in truly "burning out" and having that "the world hates me and can burn for all I care" sense of desperation. May is my birth month and when my mania kicks in real good like, especially with triggers like good or bad news, experimenting with nootropics (bad but fun) or deciding to take up alcohol or nicotine again. I'd be dysphoric today if the weather weren't so nice (I woke up suddenly knowing I needed less sleep than the last weeks) and if I hadn't gotten good feedback on an interview. When life isn't going your way mania really takes it for a bad ride, but it can be equally bad or expensive when things are going right.
posted by aydeejones at 3:59 PM on May 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by aydeejones at 3:59 PM on May 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm 35 and screw myself out of sleep now whether manic or depressed. It's a tough cycle to break. Bleh
posted by aydeejones at 3:59 PM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by aydeejones at 3:59 PM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Three comments in a minute time
posted by aydeejones at 4:00 PM on May 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by aydeejones at 4:00 PM on May 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
Yeah, I truly believe I have bipolar II though I've not been officially diagnosed. I've experienced about three or four many-months-long episodes of what I now can see was hypomania in the last fifteen years or so and I swear, it's the best fucking feeling in the world. And then I come down. And it's truly awful. There's definitely that little devil in my head that wishes for the mania again, because holy hell did I feel on top of the world! But my rational mind kicks in and I know, as you said, that what goes up must come down.
posted by bologna on wry at 4:02 PM on May 13, 2016
posted by bologna on wry at 4:02 PM on May 13, 2016
When I was hospitalized during a severe depressive episode, there were a couple of patients who were manic. One, a young man, was superficially pretty lucid, but in conversation the grandiosity and some other stuff became apparent. The other, though, a young woman, was alarming. She couldn't stop moving, couldn't maintain attention on anything for more than fifteen seconds, was intensely cheerful, and she was fixated on my watch. She'd come around every few minutes to exclaim over how much she liked my watch. She couldn't have a conversation with anyone and she didn't really seem very connected with her surroundings or situation. She wasn't out of touch in the way that someone with schizophrenia can be, but her reasoning was clearly very deeply impaired.
I suffer from chronic major depression, not bipolar disorder, but I'd read long ago that the real danger of manic-depressive disorder is in the manic phase, not the depressive phase, that it's very easy for people to hurt themselves in various ways. The guy I met was just an example of someone who was in the process of unknowingly setting fire to his life during a manic episode (he was buying things on credit in the belief that he'd shortly be a millionaire), but wasn't self-evidently a physical danger to himself. This young woman, though, I could easily see how she could have hurt herself. It was very alarming and I worried about her. I sort of still worry about her, actually.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 4:21 PM on May 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
I suffer from chronic major depression, not bipolar disorder, but I'd read long ago that the real danger of manic-depressive disorder is in the manic phase, not the depressive phase, that it's very easy for people to hurt themselves in various ways. The guy I met was just an example of someone who was in the process of unknowingly setting fire to his life during a manic episode (he was buying things on credit in the belief that he'd shortly be a millionaire), but wasn't self-evidently a physical danger to himself. This young woman, though, I could easily see how she could have hurt herself. It was very alarming and I worried about her. I sort of still worry about her, actually.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 4:21 PM on May 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
Someone I know carved up one of their thighs, huffed Lysol (aerosol), and tried to drink a bunch of other toxic stuff. Years later, I was talking to them about their suicidal impulses during that period. And they were all, "You don't understand. I wasn't suicidal. I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was manic." I really didn't understand. I still don't, but now I understand a little bit more. And I'm grateful for that.
posted by Bella Donna at 4:34 PM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 4:34 PM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Oh, duh, sorry Bella Donna, I'm still getting used to this platform and didn't realize this wasn't your first-person text. I'm still a little clueless here....
posted by Lowbrowkate at 4:56 PM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Lowbrowkate at 4:56 PM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
No worries, Lowbrowkate and welcome! The confusion is understandable. That said, you should know that posting about ourselves on the Big Blue is one of the fastest ways to get kicked off of MetaFilter. Unless it's on the Projects page or in another limited and appropriate context. (There are guidelines, but I'm too lazy to find them. Ask a mod for help if you need it.) Glad you're here, thanks for your comment, and have fun and/or learn something. I've learned a ton since I joined.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:17 PM on May 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 5:17 PM on May 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'd read long ago that the real danger of manic-depressive disorder is in the manic phase, not the depressive phase
Not so. Both phases are quite lethal. The manic phase is dangerous because it comes on fast and the initial symptoms seem benign; extreme behaviour might be the first unambiguous clue that your friend's mood is spiking. Depression kills by grinding you down slowly, creating months long delusions of inescapable hopelessness from which suicide seems to be the only escape.
Mania kills like a heart attack; depression kills like cancer.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 6:22 PM on May 13, 2016 [20 favorites]
Not so. Both phases are quite lethal. The manic phase is dangerous because it comes on fast and the initial symptoms seem benign; extreme behaviour might be the first unambiguous clue that your friend's mood is spiking. Depression kills by grinding you down slowly, creating months long delusions of inescapable hopelessness from which suicide seems to be the only escape.
Mania kills like a heart attack; depression kills like cancer.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 6:22 PM on May 13, 2016 [20 favorites]
jstyutk is totally correct. i don't think judging which phase of a complex mental illness you don't know much about is "more dangerous" is maybe the most useful thing.
posted by listen, lady at 6:35 PM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by listen, lady at 6:35 PM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
I see some unfortunate people after many decades of basically uncontrolled bipolar - many many episodes. Eventually the swings start running together. The remission periods shorten, the mania gets mixed with the depression into a metastable confusion. They don't have highs or lows any more, they just have angry misery. In presentation and outcome, the endpoint is basically disorganized psychosis.
This is why I always try to explain to people the advisability of the prophylactic med regimens. This is a chronic disease, like rheumatoid arthritis or multiple sclerosis, and the meds are not cures. They have their own toxic side effects, but no drug is without risks and benefits, and managed well the benefits are clear. The disease itself, the pathology underlying it, remains in the body and the mind and continues through life to produce changes and damage as you age... however this is generally a slow process and you can learn to manage it, as people do with MS or HIV. But the rate and amount of injury when exposed to full manic or depressive flares is appalling. You can come back from a 3-to-6 month episode, but your chance of regaining the same function and insight as before is low - nobody comes back without losing something. The secret is not to go there in the first place, or get out as soon as possible.
posted by meehawl at 9:07 PM on May 13, 2016 [9 favorites]
This is why I always try to explain to people the advisability of the prophylactic med regimens. This is a chronic disease, like rheumatoid arthritis or multiple sclerosis, and the meds are not cures. They have their own toxic side effects, but no drug is without risks and benefits, and managed well the benefits are clear. The disease itself, the pathology underlying it, remains in the body and the mind and continues through life to produce changes and damage as you age... however this is generally a slow process and you can learn to manage it, as people do with MS or HIV. But the rate and amount of injury when exposed to full manic or depressive flares is appalling. You can come back from a 3-to-6 month episode, but your chance of regaining the same function and insight as before is low - nobody comes back without losing something. The secret is not to go there in the first place, or get out as soon as possible.
posted by meehawl at 9:07 PM on May 13, 2016 [9 favorites]
It took my until my mid-30s to see that mania can be bad and super dysphoric
ugh those are the worst. for me, I can't tell if it was antidepressants doing it or me. I've had that recently and was convinced it was Effexor. The medication rabbithole is so incredibly confusing; I don't think my mania was really mania until I had antidepressants. Before I think it was hypomania really. That's why when people talk about meds as the silver bullet fix-all, I'm like 'ahhh no...I was on meds during every psychotic episode but one".
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 9:44 PM on May 13, 2016
ugh those are the worst. for me, I can't tell if it was antidepressants doing it or me. I've had that recently and was convinced it was Effexor. The medication rabbithole is so incredibly confusing; I don't think my mania was really mania until I had antidepressants. Before I think it was hypomania really. That's why when people talk about meds as the silver bullet fix-all, I'm like 'ahhh no...I was on meds during every psychotic episode but one".
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 9:44 PM on May 13, 2016
Because I’m on medication, it’s rare that symptoms flair up, ....
AAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!
Not all of us have her experience IE that it's rare that symptoms flare up. Not all of us ever even reach medicinal armistice of any kind with this illness -- it took me over ten years. The regimen that I am on now, and have been on since late 2003, these formulations didn't even exist when I started looking for help. There are so many good medications now, it's like we think that everyone can get treated. But everyone can't. And some of us that do, we still have, um, fun.
~~~~~
(following is my 100 words for today, which I just wrote)
It goes on and on.
I can't make it stop.
It's like I'm trapped in a theater and the film goes on and on, brilliant flaring, glaring light flashing on the screen and a shitty, gritty soundtrack and I'm so, so fkn tired.
I can't parse any of it.
I'm fuct.
What people don't understand is that we can't make it stop.
Mixed states.
Yeah, we have manic depression. But fkn manic depression has us, too. It's on us like a lion on an impala.
No sleep the past three days -- three hours here, three hours there.
I'm so screwed.
posted by dancestoblue at 9:49 PM on May 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
AAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!
Not all of us have her experience IE that it's rare that symptoms flare up. Not all of us ever even reach medicinal armistice of any kind with this illness -- it took me over ten years. The regimen that I am on now, and have been on since late 2003, these formulations didn't even exist when I started looking for help. There are so many good medications now, it's like we think that everyone can get treated. But everyone can't. And some of us that do, we still have, um, fun.
~~~~~
(following is my 100 words for today, which I just wrote)
It goes on and on.
I can't make it stop.
It's like I'm trapped in a theater and the film goes on and on, brilliant flaring, glaring light flashing on the screen and a shitty, gritty soundtrack and I'm so, so fkn tired.
I can't parse any of it.
I'm fuct.
What people don't understand is that we can't make it stop.
Mixed states.
Yeah, we have manic depression. But fkn manic depression has us, too. It's on us like a lion on an impala.
No sleep the past three days -- three hours here, three hours there.
I'm so screwed.
posted by dancestoblue at 9:49 PM on May 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
You can come back from a 3-to-6 month episode, but your chance of regaining the same function and insight as before is low - nobody comes back without losing something.
Such a good point; how the illness can cause erosion to your overall functionality over time. At 50, I'm feeling that even though my episodes are not delusional like they used to be, I just feel dumber and less capable overall. Terrible attention span, not as resilient as I was once etc etc. I can't even imagine how it gets for people with no medication at all; I guess that's your average homeless person. Just decimated by severe illness.
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 9:49 PM on May 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
Such a good point; how the illness can cause erosion to your overall functionality over time. At 50, I'm feeling that even though my episodes are not delusional like they used to be, I just feel dumber and less capable overall. Terrible attention span, not as resilient as I was once etc etc. I can't even imagine how it gets for people with no medication at all; I guess that's your average homeless person. Just decimated by severe illness.
posted by GospelofWesleyWillis at 9:49 PM on May 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
Well, this was a timely read and discussion to convince me to make an appointment with my psychiatrist, since I, uh, ran out of some of my meds a little while ago and never... quite... got around to going in for refills.
Luckily, my mania manifests in some of the less dangerous ways. Mostly. Still, complacency is a Very Bad Thing.
posted by Superplin at 10:22 PM on May 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Luckily, my mania manifests in some of the less dangerous ways. Mostly. Still, complacency is a Very Bad Thing.
posted by Superplin at 10:22 PM on May 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Huh. This person has symptoms that pass and are rare due to medication. I wonder what that's like. I'll just be over here with my basket of 20 different failure medications.
posted by xyzzy at 12:29 AM on May 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by xyzzy at 12:29 AM on May 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
Eventually the swings start running together. The remission periods shorten, the mania gets mixed with the depression into a metastable confusion. They don't have highs or lows any more, they just have angry misery.
That's a very helpful comment, thank you. My father has bipolar. He was diagnosed only a few years ago, but he was ill all through my childhood, with his first in-patient hospitalisation when I was eight. When he finally got his bipolar diagnosis, it didn't make a lot of sense to me, but your comment helps a bit, because "angry misery" is a spot-on description of his mood pretty much all the time. Sometimes more angry, sometimes more miserable, sometimes more confused and irritable than anything else, but I never really noticed much in the way of mania, or really any periods that were different from any others.
posted by lollusc at 4:30 AM on May 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
That's a very helpful comment, thank you. My father has bipolar. He was diagnosed only a few years ago, but he was ill all through my childhood, with his first in-patient hospitalisation when I was eight. When he finally got his bipolar diagnosis, it didn't make a lot of sense to me, but your comment helps a bit, because "angry misery" is a spot-on description of his mood pretty much all the time. Sometimes more angry, sometimes more miserable, sometimes more confused and irritable than anything else, but I never really noticed much in the way of mania, or really any periods that were different from any others.
posted by lollusc at 4:30 AM on May 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
Lots of hugs to dancestoblue and all the others here forced to manage this illness. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Jeez I hope things feel better for each of you, and soon.
posted by Bella Donna at 10:28 AM on May 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 10:28 AM on May 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
This really reminded me of Marya Hornbacher's memoir on manic depression.
posted by flink at 10:56 AM on May 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by flink at 10:56 AM on May 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
My mom, unmedicated, was exactly like the author. Except she was a single mom. I always tell people I had an "interesting" childhood, with a wry smile, but it was actually quite hellish. I felt responsible for her moods - she'd throw books at me in anger because I hadn't put them away, or she'd sleep all weekend and I'd feel rejected that she didn't want to do anything with me. She'd promise to take me somewhere and then she couldn't get out of bed. She put me in danger numerous times while driving and to this day I'm extremely reluctant to get in a car with her.
It must have been hellish for her too, and I understand it was out of her control, but damn it's still hard to completely move past because it has affected every single one of my relationships. I really hope everyone can get access to the right medications when they need them. They don't just save the life of the mentally ill person, they save the lives of the people around them.
posted by AFABulous at 11:48 AM on May 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
It must have been hellish for her too, and I understand it was out of her control, but damn it's still hard to completely move past because it has affected every single one of my relationships. I really hope everyone can get access to the right medications when they need them. They don't just save the life of the mentally ill person, they save the lives of the people around them.
posted by AFABulous at 11:48 AM on May 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
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posted by Lowbrowkate at 1:54 PM on May 13, 2016