" like arguing over who gets to fistfight a possum inside a dumpster"
May 24, 2016 8:43 AM   Subscribe

 
This is like stepping out from a musty room to feel the invigorating wind of a hurricane.
posted by happyroach at 9:08 AM on May 24, 2016 [14 favorites]


Do possums even have fists
posted by thelonius at 9:09 AM on May 24, 2016 [13 favorites]


"now that i am 142 i can fully appreciate your collective worth, especially since you're both old enough to do useful things like drive me to the airport and introduce me to drug dealers who might get me some celebrex."

Cackling at my desk. Made better by knowing that Celebrex is an arthritis drug.
posted by Wretch729 at 9:10 AM on May 24, 2016 [34 favorites]


poffin boffin, is that your cousin?
posted by wenestvedt at 9:10 AM on May 24, 2016 [10 favorites]


This was wonderful, and I want to hang out with her. And her celebrex dealer...
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 9:19 AM on May 24, 2016 [5 favorites]


Thanks for posting, made my day.
posted by Bella Donna at 9:28 AM on May 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


I wish I'd had an aunt to tell me these things, back when I was grossly overvaluing some terrible manbaby:

and fine, one of you got breakfast in bed and the other one didn't but so what? say the word and i'll come over and make you a pancake before ignoring you to play video games in the other room with my friends. see!? it's just like i'm your almost-boyfriend
posted by theatro at 9:36 AM on May 24, 2016 [34 favorites]


Thanks for posting. I read down quite a ways and she made me laugh several times. :D
posted by Halo in reverse at 9:41 AM on May 24, 2016


Do possums even have fists

Looks like they could give a you a good slap
, at the very least.
posted by Panjandrum at 9:57 AM on May 24, 2016


That dude sounds seriously triflin'. Good for Auntie! I like her.

I never understood people who'd get all dramatic with their friends over people like that (I've seen situations like this happen in all sorts of permutations). And whenever dudes like that would try to flirt with me back in the day, I'd give them the stink eye.

There was one guy like this in high school who lived around the way, and when I wasn't cooing over him like the other girls on the block did, he was all, "Girl, you gotta let some butter melt in your mouth," so I told him to fuck off. And this guy was supposedly "seeing" one of my friends!

He's got to be 50 now. I wonder if aging slowed his roll any.
posted by droplet at 9:58 AM on May 24, 2016 [6 favorites]


That was magnificent. Her entire blog is pretty awesome so far.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:58 AM on May 24, 2016 [11 favorites]


> I wish I'd had an aunt to tell me these things, back when I was grossly overvaluing some terrible manbaby:

A friend of my parents' was going over her teenage daughter's situation like this last weekend; she's not fighting over the guy, but it sounds like he goes out of his way to make sure she knows she comes second (at best) behind his friends, and the more he devalues her the harder she works to impress him. And of course anything her mom says about his behaviour just confirms how awesome he is and that mom doesn't understand their special bond. Of course, I was getting her mom's take on the situation, but it sounded like Emotional Labour: The Textbook.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:09 AM on May 24, 2016 [5 favorites]


Immediately sent to a youngster who is cultivating FB/IRL drama. If only we could somehow give all the kids our eyes and history to see through, so they could get the full brunt of how worthless all that mess is...
posted by gusandrews at 10:11 AM on May 24, 2016


i have never been embroiled in emotional combat with one of my homegirls over a dude because LOL WHAT IS THE PRIZE. have you dated a man before!?

This wins. Everything. Ever.

Seriously, I will be giggling to myself about this for at LEAST the next week.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 10:15 AM on May 24, 2016 [37 favorites]


MetaFilter: complicated feelings fleek disrespectful low-key turnt selfish lit basic apology squad
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 10:19 AM on May 24, 2016 [33 favorites]


and the more he devalues her the harder she works to impress him

Just like the pigeons. Psych 101 in freshman year of college really did help me un-program some behaviors that lead to putting up with "dead-behind-the-eyes placeholders with curly hair."
posted by Squeak Attack at 11:23 AM on May 24, 2016 [2 favorites]


tl;dr : kidz! off my versailles-scale diss lawn. i must educate.
posted by lalochezia at 11:23 AM on May 24, 2016 [3 favorites]


We could basically quote the whole post by picking out the best lines. They're all the best. This was great.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 11:24 AM on May 24, 2016 [8 favorites]


I'd like to think I'm worth fighting over.
posted by Johnny Waterbed at 11:31 AM on May 24, 2016 [17 favorites]


With a name like that? Pffft, she'd tear you to ribbons.
posted by wenestvedt at 11:35 AM on May 24, 2016 [8 favorites]


This blog is seriously the best. I sent the story she posted about going out as a mature person around to all of my friends a few months ago.
posted by KGMoney at 12:02 PM on May 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


the story she posted about going out as a mature person

Link pls
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 12:11 PM on May 24, 2016


Yup, I like everything about this writer. I hope someone is paying her now or soon because she's great.
posted by Bella Donna at 12:28 PM on May 24, 2016 [2 favorites]


The only time I've had friends fight over a person was entirely based on the person being a physically attractive "status symbol", but the compelling part was the competitive, dramatic aspect of the whole mess. I had lots of conversations like this:

Friend: "S/he cheated on me!"

Me: "You got with them when they cheated with the last partner. So..."
posted by maxwelton at 12:28 PM on May 24, 2016 [4 favorites]


I used to read this lady's blog, and then I lost it when Google Reader died!

I'm so pleased to find it!

"LOL WHAT IS THE PRIZE" killed me.
posted by euphoria066 at 12:45 PM on May 24, 2016 [6 favorites]


the story she posted about going out as a mature person

Was it this one? Because I read this one and then apparently forgot that there might be more. Past me was a fool.
posted by sciatrix at 12:50 PM on May 24, 2016 [4 favorites]


sciatrix, I just read that and I am scorched.
posted by wenestvedt at 1:28 PM on May 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


Maybe they just didn't like each other that much in the first place? I'd never fight my sister over a boy because she like macho authoritarians with racist senses of humor and I like sensitive stoner bears, but we would absolutely fight to the point of no longer speaking over the last slice of pie, who gets to sit in the front seat of the car (for real, her short-ass legs do not need that much room), or whether Justified or Scandal is the better show.

Some people just like to grief each other; that boy was probably just a prop in this.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 1:52 PM on May 24, 2016 [5 favorites]


Once again, I thank Glob that I went to high school before the age of social media.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:57 PM on May 24, 2016 [5 favorites]


he was all, "Girl, you gotta let some butter melt in your mouth,"

Wait. Maybe I don't get this because it's a regional thing, but is he... is he the butter? What is this metaphor? Who wants to be butter? Have you ever touched butter, like with your bare hands?
posted by IAmUnaware at 1:58 PM on May 24, 2016 [8 favorites]


Wait. Maybe I don't get this because it's a regional thing, but is he... is he the butter? What is this metaphor? Who wants to be butter? Have you ever touched butter, like with your bare hands?

No, he is not suggesting that he is the butter. The butter in this phrase represents actual butter. The reason why butter wouldn't melt in one's mouth is that one is behaving coldly. He was suggesting that she warm up to him a little bit.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 2:08 PM on May 24, 2016 [10 favorites]




dope
posted by Sebmojo at 2:21 PM on May 24, 2016


Some people just like to grief each other; that boy was probably just a prop in this.

I mean yeah, very likely, nice observation, but nevertheless: dope
posted by Sebmojo at 2:23 PM on May 24, 2016


Parasite Unseen: No, he is not suggesting that he is the butter. The butter in this phrase represents actual butter. The reason why butter wouldn't melt in one's mouth is that one is behaving coldly. He was suggesting that she warm up to him a little bit.

In a just world, horrible metaphors like that should doom him to dying alone, wanking to the Powerpuff Girls.
posted by dr_dank at 2:27 PM on May 24, 2016 [2 favorites]


In a just world, horrible metaphors like that should doom him to dying alone, wanking to the Powerpuff Girls.

Not that I disagree with the sentiment, but it's a fairly established phrase (although possibly with a more common usage regionally). This site cites use of it going back as far as 1530.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 2:46 PM on May 24, 2016 [8 favorites]


Samantha Irby is a treasure and the Bitches Gotta Eat archives deserve your time and attention. Her writing is straight-up hilarious, but sometimes it will punch you in the heart.

And then there's this epic rant on dick pics.
posted by karayel at 2:49 PM on May 24, 2016 [13 favorites]


the story she posted about going out as a mature person

Link pls


I believe it is this Previously.
posted by sweetmarie at 3:34 PM on May 24, 2016 [2 favorites]


The writer, Samantha Irby, has also written a book called Meaty, and she tweets @wordscience. She contributes a lot of great stuff to these Internets.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:39 PM on May 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


My nieces are righteous awesome, even if one of them's kind of dating a dumpster possum, but "sisters before misters" is exactly the phrase I need to add to my hip to the lingo file right now.
posted by drlith at 6:01 PM on May 24, 2016 [1 favorite]


Not that I disagree with the sentiment, but it's a fairly established phrase (although possibly with a more common usage regionally). This site cites use of it going back as far as 1530.

I'm reading bottom to top and was trying to figure out how the phrase "wanking to the Powerpuff girls" could date back nearly 5 centuries.
posted by drlith at 6:18 PM on May 24, 2016 [7 favorites]


Samantha Irby is a damn national treasure. She's working on a second book right now as well as some other ridiculously amazing stuff so if you haven't followed one of the earlier links GO BUY MEATY RIGHT THIS SECOND so you can say you read her when.
posted by amelioration at 6:32 PM on May 24, 2016 [2 favorites]


ACCIDENTAL DOUBLE TAPS.

Can someone explain what this means please?
posted by HiroProtagonist at 8:16 PM on May 24, 2016


You double tap an instagram picture to "like" it. If you do so accidentally when you're secretly/shamefully instagram-stalking someone you give away your stalkerish tendencies. Not cool. Especially if it's an ex.
posted by Wretch729 at 9:53 PM on May 24, 2016


Incidentally for those for whom this is a concern there is an app to solve the problem, because of course there is.
Instasnoop
posted by Wretch729 at 9:57 PM on May 24, 2016


I love Samantha Irby's writing so much. I have Meaty and it's great. Also, this post full of relationship advice contains the following sentence:

brunch is such a goddamned nightmare. it's like throwing a wedding for your fucking breakfast


which is probably the truest sentence of all time.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 9:43 AM on May 25, 2016 [6 favorites]


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