why you keep having the same fight every time: a text game
May 24, 2016 11:33 PM Subscribe
BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL ANGER AND INSTEAD SEARCH FOR A NEARBY REPLACEMENT EMOTION YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY FEEL BUT WOULD PREFER TO EXPERIENCE INSTEAD (Single Link The-Toast.net / Mallory Ortberg why are you spying on my unconscious)
Has she been reading the latest MeFi election thread? Because most all of them fit.
posted by zachlipton at 11:41 PM on May 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by zachlipton at 11:41 PM on May 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
If I had art skillz I would draw a fractal M. C. Escher thing where people are both Sisyphus and the hill he's rolling the boulder up at the same time.
posted by XMLicious at 12:24 AM on May 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by XMLicious at 12:24 AM on May 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
BECAUSE YOU WROTE EVERYTHING IN CAPITALS FOR NO APPARENT REASON WHICH FUCKS IT UP FOR PEOPLE WITH ACCESSIBILITY NEEDS
winterhill, would this help?
posted by lumensimus at 12:27 AM on May 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
winterhill, would this help?
posted by lumensimus at 12:27 AM on May 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
SOMEONE TELL MALS THAT MY EMOTION THAT REPLACES ANGER IS WHITE HOT FURY.
After I cool off though, I tend to get huggy.
posted by Sphinx at 12:33 AM on May 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
After I cool off though, I tend to get huggy.
posted by Sphinx at 12:33 AM on May 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
Oh fuck. Mallory's had a glass pressed to my walls again.
posted by taff at 2:23 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by taff at 2:23 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
Mallory's just upset that mom and dad like Alex better.
posted by jonmc at 4:37 AM on May 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by jonmc at 4:37 AM on May 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
BECAUSE YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF ONCE AND FOR ALL DEMANDING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT AND FINALLY HEARING A DIRECT “NO”
*runs and hides under the bed*
posted by sallybrown at 5:24 AM on May 25, 2016 [16 favorites]
*runs and hides under the bed*
posted by sallybrown at 5:24 AM on May 25, 2016 [16 favorites]
Mallory.
posted by clavicle at 5:33 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by clavicle at 5:33 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
This is actually amazingly insightful
posted by dave99 at 5:37 AM on May 25, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by dave99 at 5:37 AM on May 25, 2016 [8 favorites]
BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO CONCEDE THAT ANY FIGHT MIGHT BE ABOUT A SPECIFIC SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES AND REPEATEDLY INSIST IT’S ABOUT “THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING,” BUT IF EVERYTHING IS A PRINCIPLE THEN NOTHING IS
Haha, so funny!
BECAUSE YOU CONTINUE TO REACT TO THE LAST FIGHT YOU HAD WITH SOMEONE ELSE RATHER THAN THE FIGHT YOU ARE CURRENTLY IN; LIKE MILITARY ADVISORS IN VIETNAM, YOU ARE ALWAYS FIGHTING THE PREVIOUS WAR
Lol, good one !
BECAUSE YOU INSIST ON TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THINGS YOU HAVEN’T DONE SINCE ENDING CONFLICT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
Oh shit
posted by dave99 at 5:47 AM on May 25, 2016 [37 favorites]
Haha, so funny!
BECAUSE YOU CONTINUE TO REACT TO THE LAST FIGHT YOU HAD WITH SOMEONE ELSE RATHER THAN THE FIGHT YOU ARE CURRENTLY IN; LIKE MILITARY ADVISORS IN VIETNAM, YOU ARE ALWAYS FIGHTING THE PREVIOUS WAR
Lol, good one !
BECAUSE YOU INSIST ON TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THINGS YOU HAVEN’T DONE SINCE ENDING CONFLICT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
Oh shit
posted by dave99 at 5:47 AM on May 25, 2016 [37 favorites]
it's missing BECAUSE ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE IDENTIFIED THE SOLE POSSIBLE SOLUTION YOU ARE COMPLETELY UNWILLING TO ACCEPT IT AND THUS CONTINUE TO BATTER AGAINST THE PROBLEM UNTIL A NEW MIRACULOUS SOLUTION IS FORGED IN THE FIRES.
otherwise solid.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:36 AM on May 25, 2016 [22 favorites]
otherwise solid.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:36 AM on May 25, 2016 [22 favorites]
I wouldn't say it was missing that one, per se, but maybe that she left that one out so the whole list wouldn't be just that more accurate.
Damn.
no, really, damn, that one stings
posted by Ghidorah at 6:41 AM on May 25, 2016
Damn.
no, really, damn, that one stings
posted by Ghidorah at 6:41 AM on May 25, 2016
I just need to get this off my chest. It's made me SO ANGRY since Toast writers called MeFi out on Twitter for not getting their sense of humour.
My god it feels so good to let it out. I hope we can all move forward now.
posted by Yowser at 6:46 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
My god it feels so good to let it out. I hope we can all move forward now.
posted by Yowser at 6:46 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
they burn like fire
Wait, possums burn? Oh. Right.
To my defense, almost all the other comments could be about possums.
posted by hat_eater at 7:10 AM on May 25, 2016
Wait, possums burn? Oh. Right.
To my defense, almost all the other comments could be about possums.
posted by hat_eater at 7:10 AM on May 25, 2016
THIS HAS A REAL MCSWEENEY'S FEEL TO IT
posted by randomkeystrike at 7:25 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by randomkeystrike at 7:25 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
I love Mallory but this is not how text games work
posted by babelfish at 7:42 AM on May 25, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by babelfish at 7:42 AM on May 25, 2016 [8 favorites]
BECAUSE POST-FIGHT SEX IS THE ONLY SEX YOU HAVE ANYMORE
posted by panglos at 8:04 AM on May 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by panglos at 8:04 AM on May 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
This one hit with stiletto-like sharpness and depth this morning.
Gah.
posted by Thistledown at 8:07 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
Gah.
posted by Thistledown at 8:07 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
this is not how text games work
Is this about the principle of the thing or is it a direct "NO"?
posted by bdc34 at 8:11 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
Is this about the principle of the thing or is it a direct "NO"?
posted by bdc34 at 8:11 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
BECAUSE THE TOAST IS GOING AWAY AND THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT SO WE RAGE AT A CLOSER TARGET
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:27 AM on May 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:27 AM on May 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
Thing I did not know I needed until now: Porpentine and Mallory Ortberg collaborative twine fiction.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:19 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:19 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
BECAUSE YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF ACKNOWLEDGING THAT YOU, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, OCCASIONALLY DO THINGS FOR SELFISH AND UNKIND REASONS, AND HAVE BECOME DESPERATE TO FIND A PURE MOTIVATION TO JUSTIFY SOMETHING YOU DID OUT OF SELF-INTEREST
jesus, mallory
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:48 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
jesus, mallory
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:48 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
goddammit. Mallory. goddamit.
not even in relationships, but this applies to me and my best friend way too much.
posted by numaner at 10:48 AM on May 25, 2016
not even in relationships, but this applies to me and my best friend way too much.
posted by numaner at 10:48 AM on May 25, 2016
So is this, like, somebody futilely arguing with human nature from a position of presumed superiority like it seems or is that the joke? Anger is sort of the most fungible of all emotions--the heart really doesn't care if it gets pointed at the right or wrong targets as long as HULK SMASH!
posted by saulgoodman at 10:54 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by saulgoodman at 10:54 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
numaner:
also for me, doesn't apply at all to my relationship to my extremely reasonable and level-headed fiance.
frighteningly, cry-in-the shower accurate to my relationship with my best friend who I think doesn't want to put any more work into being my friend anymore.
posted by zingiberene at 11:06 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
also for me, doesn't apply at all to my relationship to my extremely reasonable and level-headed fiance.
frighteningly, cry-in-the shower accurate to my relationship with my best friend who I think doesn't want to put any more work into being my friend anymore.
posted by zingiberene at 11:06 AM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
These are the kind of things you think BEFORE you start couples therapy. None of them really ring true for me at all.
Also, anger is usually THE replacement emotion, taking place of much harder emotions like rejection, frustration, sadness, grief, jealousy, unworthiness, failure, embarrassment, shame, etc.
(You can tell we've been in therapy for a while. It works!)
So is this, like, somebody futilely arguing with human nature from a position of presumed superiority like it seems or is that the joke?
Yeah, I don't get the humor either. It is supposed to be funny/satire? Or painfully accurate? For me, it was neither.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:00 PM on May 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
Also, anger is usually THE replacement emotion, taking place of much harder emotions like rejection, frustration, sadness, grief, jealousy, unworthiness, failure, embarrassment, shame, etc.
(You can tell we've been in therapy for a while. It works!)
So is this, like, somebody futilely arguing with human nature from a position of presumed superiority like it seems or is that the joke?
Yeah, I don't get the humor either. It is supposed to be funny/satire? Or painfully accurate? For me, it was neither.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:00 PM on May 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
It's funny because it feels super personal and relevant to your life, and you want to get all defensive and explainy and then you realize "Oh, this isn't addressed me. She doesn't even know me. This is like, everyone" and then you feel kind of ridiculous for taking it so personally and feeling so defensive, and you laugh at your own ridiculousness, and the ridiculousness of all humans.
posted by OnceUponATime at 12:11 PM on May 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by OnceUponATime at 12:11 PM on May 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
For those who are less Toasty...
1) Read the comments. No, seriously.
2) If you like this, you may also like: WHY ARE YOU LONELY and WHY YOU ARE ANGRY
3) Like her Children's Stories made horrific, I find they thread funny and painful pretty tightly.
posted by Deoridhe at 5:15 PM on May 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
1) Read the comments. No, seriously.
2) If you like this, you may also like: WHY ARE YOU LONELY and WHY YOU ARE ANGRY
3) Like her Children's Stories made horrific, I find they thread funny and painful pretty tightly.
posted by Deoridhe at 5:15 PM on May 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
I expected something more like
>APOLOGIZE
I don't understand.
>GIVE APOLOGY
There is no "apology" here to give.
>SAY SORRY
You say a perfunctory "sorry" but your lover ignores you.
>SAY I AM VERY SORRY
...
Etc.
Or at least something like Frog. Maybe we could watch the relationship grow and learn to sing?
posted by nat at 6:52 AM on May 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
>APOLOGIZE
I don't understand.
>GIVE APOLOGY
There is no "apology" here to give.
>SAY SORRY
You say a perfunctory "sorry" but your lover ignores you.
>SAY I AM VERY SORRY
...
Etc.
Or at least something like Frog. Maybe we could watch the relationship grow and learn to sing?
posted by nat at 6:52 AM on May 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
2) If you like this, you may also like: WHY ARE YOU LONELY
- CONVINCED THAT HONESTLY ADMITTING YOUR PROBLEMS WILL DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES COMPLAINING SO INSTEAD YOU OFFER EVERYONE A PISS-POOR SIMULACRUM OF BEING EASY-GOING
holy crap. hmm.. yeah, holy crap.
- NO GOOD REASON, SORRY
oh ok, that does help, actually
posted by numaner at 11:49 AM on May 26, 2016
- CONVINCED THAT HONESTLY ADMITTING YOUR PROBLEMS WILL DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES COMPLAINING SO INSTEAD YOU OFFER EVERYONE A PISS-POOR SIMULACRUM OF BEING EASY-GOING
holy crap. hmm.. yeah, holy crap.
- NO GOOD REASON, SORRY
oh ok, that does help, actually
posted by numaner at 11:49 AM on May 26, 2016
this is not how text games work
Is this about the principle of the thing or is it a direct "NO"?
I don't understand the question! It is about how she calls these things, which are good, text games when they are not!
posted by babelfish at 7:13 PM on May 26, 2016
Is this about the principle of the thing or is it a direct "NO"?
I don't understand the question! It is about how she calls these things, which are good, text games when they are not!
posted by babelfish at 7:13 PM on May 26, 2016
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posted by OHenryPacey at 11:40 PM on May 24, 2016 [7 favorites]