I Was Adopted - When I Was 41

June 1, 2016 5:05 AM

At thirteen, a neglectful foster system tore me from the only woman I ever wanted to call “Mom.” Decades later I tracked her down and finally got my happy ending.
posted by ellieBOA (23 comments total)

What a beautiful read, thank you. I really needed that.
posted by Jubey at 5:34 AM on June 1, 2016 [5 favorites]

Aww. And how horrible of that judge. "She loves her too much!" Like that's the problem with kids in foster care that needs to be desperately solved.
posted by corb at 6:10 AM on June 1, 2016 [8 favorites]

This would be resonant for anyone, but if you've been reading Fosterhood, following Rebecca's efforts to get permanency for just one child, who has been with her since birth, and you'll see that in a lot of places not much has changed. Which makes me cry all the harder.
posted by anastasiav at 6:53 AM on June 1, 2016 [5 favorites]

What good writing.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:01 AM on June 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

Aww. And how horrible of that judge. "She loves her too much!" Like that's the problem with kids in foster care that needs to be desperately solved.

In these cases the judge will almost always listen to the social worker / guardian ad litem, as they are (particularly in the case of GALs) supposed to be speaking purely in the best interests of the child. It's crazy (and probably, as the writer concludes, crazy racist) that the social worker made an issue of it at all.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:03 AM on June 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

It sure is dusty in here...
posted by Anne Neville at 7:12 AM on June 1, 2016 [4 favorites]

So much harm done "for the good of the child."
posted by amanda at 7:28 AM on June 1, 2016 [2 favorites]

i'm not crying you're crying
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:36 AM on June 1, 2016 [6 favorites]

Reminds me of Act IV of This American Life's "Bad Baby" (transcript). Maurice Griffin, as a child, wanted to get spanked like his parents' natural children so he would feel like a normal sibling, but their state's child services wound up taking him away for this, until he was adopted in his 30s.
posted by little onion at 7:37 AM on June 1, 2016

That was an amazing story. What a lovely ending, which doesn't happen for all fostered children, sadly.
posted by xingcat at 8:01 AM on June 1, 2016

Tears! Happy ones!
posted by bologna on wry at 8:26 AM on June 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

This would be resonant for anyone, but if you've been reading Fosterhood, following Rebecca's efforts to get permanency for just one child, who has been with her since birth, and you'll see that in a lot of places not much has changed. Which makes me cry all the harder.

I spent about a month some years ago reading her entire blog, from beginning to (then) end. Then tumblr got blocked at work for whatever reason and I haven't checked back in. Thanks for the reminder about her. Her blog was riveting to me.
posted by bologna on wry at 8:29 AM on June 1, 2016

This is a lovely article. Thanks for posting it.

I worked as a bailiff many years ago, and the only uniformly uplifting cases were the adult adoptions. We'd hear about these wonderful people who stepped up for a child in need, and watching everyone's happiness about having their relationship legally recognized was fantastic.
posted by creepygirl at 8:37 AM on June 1, 2016 [15 favorites]

We are in the process of adopting a 21-year-old. We just had our interview with the court investigator on Friday, and hope to have a hearing date soon.

I have friends of a friend who adopted a 19-year-old, and I remember thinking that it seemed weird, and sort of beside the point, and wondering how and whether it was possible to develop real parent-child feelings with someone that old. Now I know better. But, in addition to emotional ties, we brought up the idea of adopting our young person because we wanted them to understand that we were committed. They'd been cast out so many times. We wanted them to know that even if they annoyed us sometimes, or behaved badly, they'd still have a place with us.

Fortunately, our other children, who have all been with us since birth or shortly after, are modeling bad behavior and being annoying, so we get to demonstrate how we still let them live here, and we still take care of them, and we still love them. The two who are in puberty are being especially helpful with this just now.

It must have been very painful for that foster mother to lose a child she was prepared to commit to. We also have one child adopted at birth, and we went through a custody fight with the birth father, and the thought of him being out there in the world without us was terrifying. To know, in particular, that things are happening that are hurting the child.

I'd have liked to hear more about the emotional process of reconnecting. But I'm glad to have heard the story. It's not exactly a happy ending, but what a message it sends for that mother to have maintained her love and commitment through all those years.
posted by not that girl at 9:26 AM on June 1, 2016 [26 favorites]

Oh, how I love a happy ending.
posted by jhope71 at 9:34 AM on June 1, 2016

Great post, thanks!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:36 AM on June 1, 2016

NO YOU'RE CRYING!
posted by numaner at 10:17 AM on June 1, 2016 [1 favorite]

Today I took care of one of my favorite patients at our practice. She is over 100 years old and quite healthy, albeit fairly deaf. She always comes with a rotating cast of men and women (usually women TBH) in their 40s who I assumed were her grandkids. Turns out they are--but this patient had no bio kids. She was a foster parent for many years and the adult children of her foster kids are her grandkids who take care of her. She still lives at home and they do everything for her. I don't get to see her as often as I'd like because one of the other doctors at our practice is her PCP, but it's always a pleasure when she comes in.

I read Fosterhood too and it's always nice to be reminded that sometimes the system works as intended over the long run.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 10:46 AM on June 1, 2016 [21 favorites]

I've been thinking for a while now about older kids in foster care, and what happens to them when they age out of the system and are basically abandoned, and how those kids need families too even if they're legally adults and our fucked up society thinks that a lifetime in a shitty foster care system is adequate preparation before being thrown to the wolves of adulthood. A couple of months ago I was talking to a friend who is also childless by choice, and we were talking about all the different ways to make a family -- I mentioned off-handedly that if I ever felt like I'd made a mistake in not having children of my own, I could always foster kids, or adopt kids about to age out of the system... and this just galvanized me. I think I need to do this. There are too many people out there who've been abandoned by the system and just need someone in their corner.
posted by palomar at 10:47 AM on June 1, 2016 [12 favorites]

...the thought of him being out there in the world without us was terrifying. To know, in particular, that things are happening that are hurting the child.

My uncle an aunt were foster parents until a set of siblings who'd been with them a few times died after leaving them. I think I want to go hug my Mom now.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:14 PM on June 1, 2016 [6 favorites]

This was wonderful. Thank you for sharing.
posted by jillithd at 12:38 PM on June 1, 2016

I did some pro bono work at an organization that did adoptions, and one day while I was waiting for my hearing (bio parent was relinquishing her rights), I saw an incredibly moving adult adoption. The "child" was a 40-something year old man, and his stepfather, who had raised him, was formally adopting him. You could tell how important it was to the man, but it was even more important to his father -- you could just see on his face how much it meant to be able to finally be his son's "real" father.

I still look back on that pro bono work as some of the most important (and most rewarding) lawyering I've ever done.
posted by devinemissk at 1:42 PM on June 1, 2016 [15 favorites]

i'm not crying you're crying

I'm not sure how you could tell that over the internet, but you're right.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 7:48 PM on June 1, 2016 [3 favorites]