The untroubled soups of my childhood
June 4, 2016 1:15 PM Subscribe
All The Reasons Why People Did Not Reply To Your Party Invitation By MeFi's unimpeachably polite The Whelk.
Reply permanently failed because recipient believes you have misjudged their cranky, caustic social media interactions as ironic posturing and not proof that they are a deeply unpleasant person.
At long last, someone has finally perceived the real me
posted by Mrs. Davros at 1:41 PM on June 4, 2016 [21 favorites]
At long last, someone has finally perceived the real me
posted by Mrs. Davros at 1:41 PM on June 4, 2016 [21 favorites]
Dang, I'm really gonna miss The Toast :(
posted by parm at 1:44 PM on June 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by parm at 1:44 PM on June 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Ha, these were pretty great, thanks!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:48 PM on June 4, 2016
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:48 PM on June 4, 2016
Reply permanently failed because recipient doesn’t believe you’re more afraid of them than they are of you.
The Toast: dead of too much truth.
posted by praemunire at 1:48 PM on June 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
The Toast: dead of too much truth.
posted by praemunire at 1:48 PM on June 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because the party is being thrown on behalf of Toby Young.
posted by ambrosen at 1:51 PM on June 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by ambrosen at 1:51 PM on June 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
That was much too short.
posted by univac at 2:23 PM on June 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by univac at 2:23 PM on June 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because you are now adults, and not interested in a potluck.
posted by goneill at 2:25 PM on June 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by goneill at 2:25 PM on June 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because you ran a moderately sophisticated disinformation campaign to keep the existence of the party secret from the hypothetical recipient.
Reply permanently failed because you are only barely tolerated by those around you, and spending time socially with you may be what finally makes their hate stronger than their fear of consequences.
Reply permanently failed. Don't you dare act hurt. You know exactly why.
Reply permanently failed because you are all that exists and this world is the gibbering of a mind trapped in an endless nightmare of darkness.
posted by Grimgrin at 2:46 PM on June 4, 2016 [12 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because you are only barely tolerated by those around you, and spending time socially with you may be what finally makes their hate stronger than their fear of consequences.
Reply permanently failed. Don't you dare act hurt. You know exactly why.
Reply permanently failed because you are all that exists and this world is the gibbering of a mind trapped in an endless nightmare of darkness.
posted by Grimgrin at 2:46 PM on June 4, 2016 [12 favorites]
"Reply permanently failed because recipient’s drug problem has just taken an unfortunate turn."
In the days of wood, it was refered as, taking to the tonic quite regular.
Then there was that hat shuffling quiet.
Yeah, to short though the ending is great Finis.
posted by clavdivs at 2:54 PM on June 4, 2016
In the days of wood, it was refered as, taking to the tonic quite regular.
Then there was that hat shuffling quiet.
Yeah, to short though the ending is great Finis.
posted by clavdivs at 2:54 PM on June 4, 2016
> Then there was that hat shuffling quiet.
Hey, I thought I was so quiet nobody noticed me!
posted by languagehat at 3:03 PM on June 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
Hey, I thought I was so quiet nobody noticed me!
posted by languagehat at 3:03 PM on June 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
"Reply permanently failed because recipient liked the idea of having gone to a party, but not the idea of going."
I am living this right now. I have expensive tickets (that I got comped) for a fantastic-sounding gala to support a nonprofit org that I value. It started 8 minutes ago.
I absolutely intended to go. I even showered! But the idea of going is not working out for me now, so I will be staying home and enjoying it here.
posted by Stewriffic at 3:08 PM on June 4, 2016 [30 favorites]
I am living this right now. I have expensive tickets (that I got comped) for a fantastic-sounding gala to support a nonprofit org that I value. It started 8 minutes ago.
I absolutely intended to go. I even showered! But the idea of going is not working out for me now, so I will be staying home and enjoying it here.
posted by Stewriffic at 3:08 PM on June 4, 2016 [30 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because recipient liked the idea of having gone to a party, but not the idea of going.
Me.
Half the time I end up committing to plans to go to a party but then once the date rolls around, I find myself wondering why I ever said yes. I like the IDEA of being social but hate having to go out.
The idea of just sitting in front of my computer and playing a video game or watching some Netflix is what I really want to do with my life.
posted by Fizz at 3:10 PM on June 4, 2016 [23 favorites]
Me.
Half the time I end up committing to plans to go to a party but then once the date rolls around, I find myself wondering why I ever said yes. I like the IDEA of being social but hate having to go out.
The idea of just sitting in front of my computer and playing a video game or watching some Netflix is what I really want to do with my life.
posted by Fizz at 3:10 PM on June 4, 2016 [23 favorites]
Hi Fizz!
posted by Stewriffic at 3:17 PM on June 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Stewriffic at 3:17 PM on June 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because recipient has only been tolerating you socially due to societal expectations.
This is how I feel all the time.
posted by Belle O'Cosity at 3:26 PM on June 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
This is how I feel all the time.
posted by Belle O'Cosity at 3:26 PM on June 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because I have joined the French Foreign Legion rather than engage in a social situation with even the possibility of any of my exes being present.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 3:35 PM on June 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 3:35 PM on June 4, 2016 [5 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because recipient has only been tolerating you socially due to societal expectations.
Oh, hey anxiety! I didn't know you were invited to this party!
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 3:37 PM on June 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
Oh, hey anxiety! I didn't know you were invited to this party!
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 3:37 PM on June 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
It seems someone's always inviting anxiety to the party. Maybe they're doing it to upset me. Maybe it's because everyone else likes anxiety and I'm the weird one. I don't know who invites them, but they're always there.
posted by ambrosen at 4:08 PM on June 4, 2016
posted by ambrosen at 4:08 PM on June 4, 2016
"Reply permanently failed because recipient already went to a party once and it wasn’t their thing."
Hey, The Whelk, who invited you inside my head?
posted by Quietgal at 4:21 PM on June 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Hey, The Whelk, who invited you inside my head?
posted by Quietgal at 4:21 PM on June 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
I was going to go to a thing today but a quick walk of the dog has convinced me that maybe a 100-degree day is not great for a gathering.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 4:35 PM on June 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 4:35 PM on June 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
Paging the untroubled soups of my childhood.
posted by bendy at 4:48 PM on June 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by bendy at 4:48 PM on June 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think you mean uncomplicated soups etc., bendy.
posted by axiom at 4:49 PM on June 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by axiom at 4:49 PM on June 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because they weren't really our friends, were they?
posted by mfu at 4:53 PM on June 4, 2016
posted by mfu at 4:53 PM on June 4, 2016
Reply permanently failed because the thought of taking the subway on a Saturday night caused the recipient to spontaneously combust.
Can someone help me to craft invitations with this result, not many, and the recipients are quite rather deserving.
posted by sammyo at 5:31 PM on June 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Can someone help me to craft invitations with this result, not many, and the recipients are quite rather deserving.
posted by sammyo at 5:31 PM on June 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because recipient liked the idea of having gone to a party, but not the idea of going.
Do enough of this, and then you eventually end up without any Saturday night invitations to dodge! Mission accomplished...right?
posted by blerghamot at 5:50 PM on June 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
Do enough of this, and then you eventually end up without any Saturday night invitations to dodge! Mission accomplished...right?
posted by blerghamot at 5:50 PM on June 4, 2016 [3 favorites]
"Reply permanently failed because you insulted the recipient once years ago and they don’t have the courage to tell you or to get over it, so they’re just going to wait until one of you dies."
Thank you. This does clear things up.
posted by queensissy at 6:04 PM on June 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
Thank you. This does clear things up.
posted by queensissy at 6:04 PM on June 4, 2016 [8 favorites]
Half the time I end up committing to plans to go to a party but then once the date rolls around, I find myself wondering why I ever said yes. I like the IDEA of being social but hate having to go out.
The idea of just sitting in front of my computer and playing a video game or watching some Netflix is what I really want to do with my life.
Hello, twin me!
posted by bologna on wry at 6:18 PM on June 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
The idea of just sitting in front of my computer and playing a video game or watching some Netflix is what I really want to do with my life.
Hello, twin me!
posted by bologna on wry at 6:18 PM on June 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
The Toast currently has another funny article by him, It’s Always Skeleton Time: Bruegel’s The Triumph of Death
posted by Joe in Australia at 6:36 PM on June 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Joe in Australia at 6:36 PM on June 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because recipient liked the idea of having gone to a party, but not the idea of going.
This is me!
posted by SisterHavana at 6:57 PM on June 4, 2016
This is me!
posted by SisterHavana at 6:57 PM on June 4, 2016
I blew off a party this evening to write this comment.
posted by rorgy at 7:05 PM on June 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by rorgy at 7:05 PM on June 4, 2016 [7 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because recipient liked the idea of having gone to a party, but not the idea of going.
This used to be me, but I have long since evolved beyond the need to pretend I want to have been social. If I'm not at work I'd like to be at home. Date "night" involves a trip to the corner diner with the missus. Ours is a simple life, punctuated by exceptional onion rings.
posted by pattern juggler at 7:37 PM on June 4, 2016 [11 favorites]
This used to be me, but I have long since evolved beyond the need to pretend I want to have been social. If I'm not at work I'd like to be at home. Date "night" involves a trip to the corner diner with the missus. Ours is a simple life, punctuated by exceptional onion rings.
posted by pattern juggler at 7:37 PM on June 4, 2016 [11 favorites]
For me, it's less a matter of not wanting to be social and more a matter of feeling utterly cowed by the size of most parties and the probability of them going in directions I'll find interesting. Experience has taught me that if I plunge into a group of more than four people that's organized around any theme other than "these specific people like each other and want to have a good time with one another", there's a high enough chance of my quietly suffering through whatever asinine, unpleasant bullshit defines somebody else's idea of a good time that I'll wind up feeling far more miserable than if I'd gone out in the first place. (I would worry about inflicting that same experience upon others if I threw parties.)
Heck, that's not just a party thing. No way in fuck do I trust somebody that's not me to responsibly use a TV and a Netflix account.
posted by rorgy at 7:59 PM on June 4, 2016
Heck, that's not just a party thing. No way in fuck do I trust somebody that's not me to responsibly use a TV and a Netflix account.
posted by rorgy at 7:59 PM on June 4, 2016
Awaiting the follow-up: "All The Reasons Why People Did Not Invite You To Their Party". Now THAT's the story of my life.
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:22 PM on June 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:22 PM on June 4, 2016 [6 favorites]
These also work as great Mailer daemon failures.
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:39 AM on June 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:39 AM on June 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
I like the IDEA of being social but hate having to go out.
Im'a put this on a business card, yo.
posted by spoobnooble II: electric bugaboo at 4:42 AM on June 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
Im'a put this on a business card, yo.
posted by spoobnooble II: electric bugaboo at 4:42 AM on June 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
You want visitors ? Because that way you get visitors.
posted by Ashenmote at 6:57 AM on June 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Ashenmote at 6:57 AM on June 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because recipient liked the idea of having gone to a party, but not the idea of going.
This is me but with several jobs, a number of paid-for tickets, every friend I've ever had, countless appointments with doctors and psychiatrists, and as of this week, the sun.
I'd suggest forming a club, as there seems to be a number of us, but I suspect the meetups would be rather sparsely attended.
posted by Freelance Demiurge at 6:58 AM on June 5, 2016 [7 favorites]
This is me but with several jobs, a number of paid-for tickets, every friend I've ever had, countless appointments with doctors and psychiatrists, and as of this week, the sun.
I'd suggest forming a club, as there seems to be a number of us, but I suspect the meetups would be rather sparsely attended.
posted by Freelance Demiurge at 6:58 AM on June 5, 2016 [7 favorites]
Introverts Unite! In your own homes!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:44 AM on June 5, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:44 AM on June 5, 2016 [5 favorites]
Once again, 5 bucks was cheap for getting into the best support group ever.
posted by mikelieman at 7:59 AM on June 5, 2016 [17 favorites]
posted by mikelieman at 7:59 AM on June 5, 2016 [17 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because recipient already has a house and beer so why the fuck would recipient want to go across town to be in a house with beer plus other people?
posted by Cookiebastard at 8:49 AM on June 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Cookiebastard at 8:49 AM on June 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because recipient liked the idea of having gone to a party, but not the idea of going.
#me
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:33 AM on June 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
#me
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:33 AM on June 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because recipient believes you have misjudged their cranky, caustic social media interactions as ironic posturing and not proof that they are a deeply unpleasant person.
I keep trying to tell them I am awful, but that only encourages them.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:57 AM on June 5, 2016
I keep trying to tell them I am awful, but that only encourages them.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:57 AM on June 5, 2016
> For me, it's less a matter of not wanting to be social and more a matter of feeling utterly cowed by the size of most parties and the probability of them going in directions I'll find interesting. Experience has taught me that if I plunge into a group of more than four people that's organized around any theme other than "these specific people like each other and want to have a good time with one another", there's a high enough chance of my quietly suffering through whatever asinine, unpleasant bullshit defines somebody else's idea of a good time that I'll wind up feeling far more miserable than if I'd gone out in the first place. (I would worry about inflicting that same experience upon others if I threw parties.)
My roommates and I used to throw pretty successful parties back in the day, and the recipe was this: dance floor cleared in living room with a mixtape blasting, for the dancers; plenty of chairs in the library, for those who like to read and/or talk; more chairs in the kitchen, for those who like to eat and/or talk; and dim lights in the bedrooms for those who like to do things that call for dim lights and solitude. And, of course, generous portions of booze. To be sure, this requires one of those giant prewar Upper West Side apartments, but it works, and those who stay the course and wake up in their own drool the next morning, scattered over sofas, beds, and floors, get to go out for a mass breakfast (steak and eggs for me, thanks).
posted by languagehat at 10:41 AM on June 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
My roommates and I used to throw pretty successful parties back in the day, and the recipe was this: dance floor cleared in living room with a mixtape blasting, for the dancers; plenty of chairs in the library, for those who like to read and/or talk; more chairs in the kitchen, for those who like to eat and/or talk; and dim lights in the bedrooms for those who like to do things that call for dim lights and solitude. And, of course, generous portions of booze. To be sure, this requires one of those giant prewar Upper West Side apartments, but it works, and those who stay the course and wake up in their own drool the next morning, scattered over sofas, beds, and floors, get to go out for a mass breakfast (steak and eggs for me, thanks).
posted by languagehat at 10:41 AM on June 5, 2016 [2 favorites]
Well the reviews are in and it's going great thanks so much for the invite but I just can't be in that headspace right now you know?
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 11:33 AM on June 5, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 11:33 AM on June 5, 2016 [12 favorites]
I grew old
I grew old
I wear the bottom of my trousers rolled
I do not dare to eat peaches,
and I do not get together with Sneetches.
There are not empty enough beaches,
And in the room the place I didn't go,
The folks are talking of D'Angelo.
Whom I do not know.
I have seen the Mahjong tiles go clicky clack,
When the wind blows the water white and black,
Around some Hokusai volcano,
No, to the party I won't go.
posted by Oyéah at 9:24 PM on June 5, 2016
I grew old
I wear the bottom of my trousers rolled
I do not dare to eat peaches,
and I do not get together with Sneetches.
There are not empty enough beaches,
And in the room the place I didn't go,
The folks are talking of D'Angelo.
Whom I do not know.
I have seen the Mahjong tiles go clicky clack,
When the wind blows the water white and black,
Around some Hokusai volcano,
No, to the party I won't go.
posted by Oyéah at 9:24 PM on June 5, 2016
I'm sure you all have already had this discussion, but these Toast links seem VERY slight to me. (I like The Whelk.) 13 sentences? What insight here?
posted by mrgrimm at 9:25 PM on June 5, 2016
posted by mrgrimm at 9:25 PM on June 5, 2016
Reply permanently failed because you are now adults, and not interested in a potluck.
Your favorite adults suck, potlucks are awesome.
posted by maryr at 10:00 PM on June 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
Your favorite adults suck, potlucks are awesome.
posted by maryr at 10:00 PM on June 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
Do not come to my party (unless you brought a casserole).
posted by maryr at 10:00 PM on June 5, 2016
posted by maryr at 10:00 PM on June 5, 2016
> I'm sure you all have already had this discussion, but these Toast links seem VERY slight to me. (I like The Whelk.) 13 sentences? What insight here?
I'm sure you've already thought about this, but what is the point of this comment? If you genuinely think the post is a bad one, take it to MetaTalk. All you're doing right now is shitting in the thread.
posted by languagehat at 6:51 AM on June 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm sure you've already thought about this, but what is the point of this comment? If you genuinely think the post is a bad one, take it to MetaTalk. All you're doing right now is shitting in the thread.
posted by languagehat at 6:51 AM on June 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Light links that cause people to goof off are fine. Link links that provoke fights are not.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:49 AM on June 6, 2016
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:49 AM on June 6, 2016
This weekend I actually did all the things I planned or committed to do and didn't bail on a single one. And now I'm FUCKING EXHAUSTED. I'm so tired I hit snooze 5 times this morning. I'm so tired I am drinking crappy office Keurig coffee (I don't normally drink coffee.)
(Plans included: Friday night dinner and drinks with the bf; Saturday morning fun run in the park, 5 hours of helping friends paint an apartment, joint birthday party at a bar for me and 2 others from 7pm-1am; Sunday breakfast with the bf [no groceries in the house], grocery shopping and errands, another birthday gathering for another friend from 2-7pm. Finally got home and had a quick dinner and prepped a lunch for today and didn't collapse on the couch until 8:30pm.) I have friends who have lives like this all the time and it is incomprehensible to me how they do it.
Reply permanently failed because although the recipient claimed they wanted to celebrate their 40th birthday for an entire month, it turns out they do not have a Tony Stark miniature power plant in their chest and cannot possibly sustain that level of activity.
posted by misskaz at 8:06 AM on June 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
(Plans included: Friday night dinner and drinks with the bf; Saturday morning fun run in the park, 5 hours of helping friends paint an apartment, joint birthday party at a bar for me and 2 others from 7pm-1am; Sunday breakfast with the bf [no groceries in the house], grocery shopping and errands, another birthday gathering for another friend from 2-7pm. Finally got home and had a quick dinner and prepped a lunch for today and didn't collapse on the couch until 8:30pm.) I have friends who have lives like this all the time and it is incomprehensible to me how they do it.
Reply permanently failed because although the recipient claimed they wanted to celebrate their 40th birthday for an entire month, it turns out they do not have a Tony Stark miniature power plant in their chest and cannot possibly sustain that level of activity.
posted by misskaz at 8:06 AM on June 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
In retrospect it probably should've been 12 sentences.
posted by The Whelk at 8:56 AM on June 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 8:56 AM on June 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
Reply permanently failed because recipient believes you have misjudged their cranky, caustic social media interactions as ironic posturing and not proof that they are a deeply unpleasant person.
At long last, someone has finally perceived the real me
posted by Mrs. Davros at 4:41 PM on June 4
If she's anything like her husband, eponysterical
posted by numaner at 2:47 PM on June 6, 2016
At long last, someone has finally perceived the real me
posted by Mrs. Davros at 4:41 PM on June 4
If she's anything like her husband, eponysterical
posted by numaner at 2:47 PM on June 6, 2016
Reply permanently failed because the thought of taking the subway on a Saturday night caused the recipient to spontaneously combust.
Can someone help me to craft invitations with this result, not many, and the recipients are quite rather deserving.
I would like to subscribe to your newsletter, as a suburb person of DC.
posted by numaner at 2:56 PM on June 6, 2016
Can someone help me to craft invitations with this result, not many, and the recipients are quite rather deserving.
I would like to subscribe to your newsletter, as a suburb person of DC.
posted by numaner at 2:56 PM on June 6, 2016
Reply permanently failed because dash it all, really, I was in chokey for stealing a policeman's helmet.
Reply permanently failed because of aunts, you know.
Reply permanently failed due to one's quarters inexplicably housing multiple cats.
Reply permanently failed due to the combination of a restorative, an improving book, and the resultant nap.
posted by aspersioncast at 10:27 PM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Reply permanently failed because of aunts, you know.
Reply permanently failed due to one's quarters inexplicably housing multiple cats.
Reply permanently failed due to the combination of a restorative, an improving book, and the resultant nap.
posted by aspersioncast at 10:27 PM on June 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
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posted by beerperson at 1:26 PM on June 4, 2016 [2 favorites]