Shouldn't you be moisturizing? Megan moisturizes
June 17, 2016 9:56 AM   Subscribe

 
Good news! Here's an annotated list of everyone you went to elementary school with who is currently more happy and successful than you are! Special guest interview with your mom on her feelings about this list.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:01 AM on June 17, 2016 [32 favorites]


Now that you've logged in, we are creating your highly personalized edition -- specifically for you and the advertisers who find you lucrative.
posted by hank at 10:05 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Yep, all those things. Didn't realize lots of other people also felt like that and obsessively poured over events 15 years ago too. Thanks Internet for letting me know I'm not alone in my anxiety spiral!
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:07 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


You know that embarrassing thing from 5 years ago? EVERYONE REMEMBERS, AND THEY THINK ABOUT IT EVERY DAY.
posted by Behemoth at 10:08 AM on June 17, 2016 [13 favorites]


"The 2016 Summer Guide to SELF-MEDICATION" gives me shakes and I've been able to not self medicate for years. The only one that doesn't bother me is "DEATH" but then it does bother me because I know people who have huge anxiety issues with death and then that give me anxiety.

Didn't realize lots of other people also felt like that and obsessively poured over events 15 years ago too.

This bothers me even more because it erases the argument that "Oh I'll bet she doesn't even remember those few words you said in 1992 that you can't stop replaying in your head day and night like that scene from A Clockwork Orange"
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 10:12 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Death is one thing that doesn't give me anxiety...because afterwards I won't be anxious any more.
That sounds like a relief.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:18 AM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


It's funny cause it's true!!!

off to cry now
posted by Mchelly at 10:21 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Issue 5: YOU MAY HAVE TO USE THE PHONE

With special articles on:
--Making The Call for The Doctor's Appointment You've Been Putting Off for 3 Years
--Just because your dad is calling and he never calls doesn't mean someone is dead. Yes, it does
--The phone is ringing and you don't recognize the number but you're also expecting a call from someone
--Your boss is calling
--You have to call your boss
--It's your friends and they may want you to go do something
--You haven't called your mom in two weeks

AND special insert:
--You Want to Order a Pizza
posted by barchan at 10:25 AM on June 17, 2016 [95 favorites]


I'm looking forward to the Parenting Edition.
posted by Anne Neville at 10:26 AM on June 17, 2016


No barchan, not the phone!
posted by ceejaytee at 10:30 AM on June 17, 2016 [11 favorites]


--Twenty Incredibly Fun & Meaningful Things Your Friend Might Be Doing Right Now That You'd Be Rudely Interrupting With Your Stupid Unnecessary Phone Call
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:33 AM on June 17, 2016 [24 favorites]


The Five Ways You Might Humiliate Yourself In Public Today
posted by AFABulous at 10:35 AM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Is Your Email Account Broken Or Are They Just Ignoring You?
posted by AFABulous at 10:37 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


--You Want to Order a Pizza

Seamless, the company in NYC that centralized ordering from restaurants online, figured out that "not having to call a person" is such a huge part of their service's appeal that it's been regularly appearing in a bunch of their ads.
posted by griphus at 10:37 AM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Job Applications, and Other Referenda on Your Worth as a Human
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:37 AM on June 17, 2016 [22 favorites]


--Ten Reasons You Will Be Alone All Your Life (4 Of Which CANNOT Be Solved with Extensive Behavoiral Therapy and/or Plastic Surgery )

--Why Every Relationship You've Ever Had Was a Pathetic Sham, And Why That Will Never Change

--This One Weird trick That Will Make Everyone Like You! (Even Though They Shouldn't)
posted by Chrischris at 10:39 AM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


That Weird Spot: Is it Cancer? (It's Probably Cancer)
posted by AFABulous at 10:39 AM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]


You've Wasted Five Hours Today Already (And Counting!) So Why Not Spend The Rest Paralyzed By How Little You've Achieved
posted by Behemoth at 10:46 AM on June 17, 2016 [41 favorites]


--Your IT Department: They Know What Sites You Browse At Work, And They've Already Told Your Boss!
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:47 AM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


You've Wasted Five Hours Today Already (And Counting!) So Why Not Spend The Rest Paralyzed By How Little You've Achieved

The One Inaccessible Trick Everyone Else Uses To Get Up Way The Hell Earlier Than You Do
posted by griphus at 10:47 AM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


--You Could Be Boiled Alive After Falling In A Hot Spring At Yellowstone National Park! Plus Thirteen Other Horrible Ways To Die You Learned About From Fucking MetaFilter
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:54 AM on June 17, 2016 [30 favorites]


Oh, great, now I also have anxiety about bad kerning.
posted by overeducated_alligator at 10:56 AM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


--Your IT Department: They Know What Sites You Browse At Work, And They've Already Told Your Boss!

I once had a boss read back aloud every IM I had sent to coworkers over the period of a few months in one very long meeting where he tried to find something sketchy to get me on. It was mostly work related and harmless chatter but it still bothers me 10+ years later. It was not comfortable.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 10:56 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


Meet the 130 People on MetaFilter Who Get Favorites Basically Just Because of Their Username
posted by sylvanshine at 11:04 AM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Remember That Time You Got Drunk in College? So Does Everyone Else
posted by AFABulous at 11:09 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


--An Inside Look At The Secret Chatroom You're Not Invited To Where All The People In Your Online Community Talk Shit About You
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:11 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


Conclusions Drawn About You from the Questions You're Asking Online.
posted by amtho at 11:12 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


This bothers me even more because it erases the argument that "Oh I'll bet she doesn't even remember those few words you said in 1992 that you can't stop replaying in your head day and night like that scene from A Clockwork Orange"

It may seem trite and cliche, but it really has helped me a lot to remind myself that, while I remember all the stupid shit I did in 1992 in crystal-clear detail (mainly because I've relived it in my head over and over and over and over again) I've long since forgotten all the stupid shit that other people did in 1992. And to everyone else, I'm "other people."

Also, I bet people remember your boss being a dick a lot more clearly than whatever IM he read to them.
posted by bjrubble at 11:15 AM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]


Why did you do that? What the hell were you thinking?

That Asshole in My Head (that's what I've started calling it) thinks this is the most awesomest game ever.

What's that? Time for another round already?
posted by bjrubble at 11:22 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


--50 Ideas For Hideously Socially Inappropriate Things You Could Do RIGHT NOW That Would Destroy Your Career And Family Life Forever (And Why Your Brain Can't Stop Coming Up With More!)
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:26 AM on June 17, 2016 [14 favorites]


David Burns: "Yeah, You Are An Exception"
posted by sylvanshine at 11:40 AM on June 17, 2016


Was Your Car Making That Noise Yesterday? [subtitle: No. Definitely Not.]
posted by Krom Tatman at 11:40 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


How Every Joke From Online Acquaintances is a Passive-Aggressive Jab
posted by beerperson at 11:41 AM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Infographic: See An Hour-By-Hour Breakdown of That Person Getting More Frustrated That You Haven't Emailed Them Back!
posted by Krom Tatman at 11:43 AM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Anxiety-Ridden Man Rightly Ashamed Of Every Single Thing He Does: 'We Are All Silently Judging Him At Every Moment, Just As He Suspects,' Acquaintances Say
posted by naju at 11:45 AM on June 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


"Issue 5: YOU MAY HAVE TO USE THE PHONE"

oh god
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 11:45 AM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


Special Issue: Unspecified Unshakeable Sense of Dread
posted by Krom Tatman at 11:47 AM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Exclusive! The Barber Fucked Up the Back and No One Will Tell You
posted by beerperson at 11:48 AM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Issue 5: YOU MAY HAVE TO USE THE PHONE

--It Didn't Go To Voicemail: A True-Life Story Of Terror And Survival
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:50 AM on June 17, 2016 [20 favorites]


Are You Sure You Don't Actually Smell Terrible but None of Your Friends Will Tell You? We Were Just Wondering!
posted by poffin boffin at 11:53 AM on June 17, 2016 [9 favorites]


I love these things because when I realize that other people have the same irrational anxieties that I do, it actually makes me less anxious. Turns out one of my big anxieties is that I am way more anxious than normal, and that everyone else is way more relaxed about their shit than I am. And since we tend to try to hide and cover up our anxieties as much as possible, it's super hard to know ehat's normal and what's not. Today I feel a lot more normal than usual. Plus, if everyone is super anxious and awkward all the time and I don't notice, other people probably don't notice my awkwardness either. I'm probably passing!

That phone thing, though. That was seriously one of my main reservations when taking my current position at work—it involves a lot more cold calling people (clients, vendors, subcontractors, etc.) than my old one did. It's turned out to be OK, but I almost refused the transfer because of that one thing! I'm glad I didn't, though. Having to make a lot of calls has actually made using the phone a lot less painful for me.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 11:54 AM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


--Sixteen Weird Anxieties That Nobody Else But You Has
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:54 AM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


That One Time You Answered The Phone With A Crude But Amusing Quip, Thinking It Was A Friend Or Relative On The Line But It Was Actually Your Boss' Boss: It's On Your Permanent Record Now As Well As A Hot Topic Of Discussion At Every Staff Meeting You're Not Invited To
posted by poffin boffin at 11:55 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


101 Embarrassing Childhood Moments Your Family Will Never Let You Forget!
posted by poffin boffin at 11:57 AM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


18 Signs That You Are About To Be Fired and Everyone Else Already Knows
posted by beerperson at 11:59 AM on June 17, 2016 [18 favorites]


Miscalculating Your Friend's Anxiety Level And Making It Worse With A Shitty Joke: It's More Likely Than You'd Think!
posted by poffin boffin at 12:04 PM on June 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


Feeling Guilty Because Your Friend Feels Guilty Because You Complained About Something: How Many More Layers Will You Pile On Today?
posted by beerperson at 12:09 PM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


--Yes, I'm Still Watching! We Profile The Netflix Employees Who Track Your Viewing Data And Know What A Shut-In Loser You Are
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:14 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


"IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL"
*but really it is; here's why
posted by wabbittwax at 12:18 PM on June 17, 2016


TOP TEN WAYS YOU'LL END UP JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER
posted by wabbittwax at 12:19 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Does Laying Motionless In The Fetal Position Count As Yoga? Our Experts Say Yes!
posted by griphus at 12:20 PM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Special Issue! Your Anxieties Are Not Interesting
posted by beerperson at 12:22 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


YOU'RE JUST A BIG FAKER TROLLING FOR MEDS
how to tell if your doctor's on to you
posted by wabbittwax at 12:22 PM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


Honestly, the funny true, rightness of the magazine covers, and then the resounding comment chorus of "oh yeah, me too! And also this and this!" makes me feel the best and most reassured about my anxiety that I have in a long, long time.

This helps.
Hugs!
posted by SaharaRose at 12:22 PM on June 17, 2016 [13 favorites]


NEW RESEARCH: Life IS fair; you just suck
posted by wabbittwax at 12:23 PM on June 17, 2016 [18 favorites]


--You Held That Hug Too Long And Now They Think You're A Creep (Maybe Normal Human Interaction Just Isn't In The Cards For You)
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:25 PM on June 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


My partner and I often joke that our dog has a lifetime subscription to the periodical "Nervous Puppy Monthly." Finally there's a magazine we can read together!
posted by zeusianfog at 12:30 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm having a tough day and the larfs really do help, thanks
posted by thelonius at 12:44 PM on June 17, 2016


Oh god the phone thing.

My current job requires that I spend a lot of time talking to clients, mostly on conference calls, and I've actually gotten pretty good at it due to two things: one, it's on my calendar and I can prepare and psych myself up for it in advance, and two, I got a good Bluetooth headset that lets me pace around if I want. (Though not too much because then I'm distracted and short of breath at exactly the time a client wants me to answer a complicated question.) Actually three things I guess, because yay propranolol.

But when it's not a conference call that I can prep for, and not on my calendar, and the phone rings? Instant heart rate spike, followed by panicked review of recent events and possibilities -- what did I forget? Am I late for something? Did I screw something up? Is there an emergency? And usually I run through a couple of cycles of anxious wonderment and self-recrimination until the call goes to voicemail, and I check it, and it's some asshole selling windows or something.

I'm really lucky to have hit a point in my professional life where I can *mostly* just ignore the phone. My work phone is actually dead right now, haven't charged it in a couple of days. People have just learned that I'm shit at answering the phone and they reach me by IM or email, both of which are much easier for me. Asynchronous communication ftw.
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 12:58 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


The Top 50 Times You Waved at Someone Who Wasn't Waving at You
posted by AFABulous at 12:58 PM on June 17, 2016 [17 favorites]


Awkwardly Waving To Your Coworker On The Street For The 5th Time Today: They Hate You Now
posted by poffin boffin at 1:01 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Everyone Thinks You Look Fat in Those Jeans, They've Just Been Humoring You
posted by AFABulous at 1:02 PM on June 17, 2016


NEW RESEARCH: Life IS fair; you just suck

We have a winner
posted by STFUDonnie at 1:03 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


The Fart Smell Was Already In The Elevator When You Got On Alone But You Can't Prove It: Blind Date Edition
posted by poffin boffin at 1:03 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Your Office's Loud Chewer: Is It You?
posted by poffin boffin at 1:07 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


--Just Eat Around The Frozen Part: Why Putting Your Lunch Back In The Microwave When People Are Waiting Will Make Them Hate You And Destroy Your Career
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:08 PM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]


They Were All Faking Their Orgasms
posted by AFABulous at 1:08 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


"The Fart Smell Was Already In The Elevator When You Got On Alone But You Can't Prove It: Blind Date Edition"

I went on a double-date in high school and the four of us were sitting around in a quiet room talking when there was a lull in the conversation and someone farted. We all politely ignored it and then my friend said, "I can't believe I just did that", and I responded, "I can't believe you just said that" and we all laughed. It's a happy teenage fart-scented memory.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 1:10 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Oh No, You Have To Eat Spaghetti In Public
Every Stupid Thing You Ever Said, Conveniently Sorted By Decade
Your Partner Is Sick Of Your Whining By Now And Is Barely Concealing Their Frustration
Your Cat Only Likes You Because You Feed It
Every Person Who Turned You Down For A Date Laughed About You To Their Friends

and, of course,

Everything Is Going To Start To Hurt A Lot And Then You'll Die
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 1:17 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Everyone Else Is Better At Chopsticks
posted by beerperson at 1:18 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


And I almost forgot:

Oh Shit, You Didn't Check The Best Before Date Before You Ate That
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 1:19 PM on June 17, 2016


--All The Things You Have To Be Grateful For (And Why They Utterly Fail To Fill The Black Emptiness Inside You)
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:21 PM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


30 Checkout Clerks Who Always Notice That You're Buying Nothing But Cheese-Flavored Carbs Every Time You Go To The Grocery Store
posted by beerperson at 1:23 PM on June 17, 2016 [9 favorites]


--Special Alternate-History Fiction Feature! Seven Writers Explore Key Moments Where You Screwed Up And How Much Better Your Life Would Have Gone If You Hadn't
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:34 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Didn't realize lots of other people also felt like that and obsessively poured over events 15 years ago too. Thanks Internet for letting me know I'm not alone in my anxiety spiral!

I have one of those bad joke/worse timing moments that I've obsessed over since 1986. I had almost convinced myself that I hadn't actually said it out loud, and even if I did, maybe nobody heard, and even if somebody heard, maybe nobody would remember it after all these years anyway.

Then I saw it referenced right here on the blue. Twice.

That's how I learned that being embarrassed about something that is embarrassing is easier to handle than worrying about whether or not you should be embarrassed about something that is embarrassing. And as a bonus, my memory of an embarrassing moment has turned into a funny story about how I stumbled across someone else's memory of my embarrassing moment. It actually helped me let it go. It doesn't keep me up at night anymore.
posted by mcdoublewide at 1:45 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


But really, the grad school edition is hitting below the belt.
posted by ChuraChura at 2:15 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Your bff is going on a weekend road trip without you, is it just a girls only weekend? (She probably has a new bff)
posted by numaner at 2:16 PM on June 17, 2016


> 30 Checkout Clerks Who Always Notice That You're Buying Nothing But Cheese-Flavored Carbs Every Time You Go To The Grocery Store

I'm not buying it for me, I swear.

the chocolate's for me
posted by Leon at 2:31 PM on June 17, 2016


Why the Waitress At Your Favorite Lunch Spot Thinks You're a Weirdo For Always Eating By Yourself.
posted by colfax at 3:15 PM on June 17, 2016


Your Best Friend's Job Hasn't Banned Google Hangouts!
She Just Has Kind of Hated You For Years But She Felt Bad For You and Now That You Are Doing Better, She Wants Nothing To Do With You Ever Again
Haven't You Noticed She Doesn't Text Anymore Either?
God, You're Stupid.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:24 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Youths Laughing As You Walk By
posted by poffin boffin at 3:46 PM on June 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


We're proud to announce our new column, "Are You Sure You're Not Forgetting Something?" Look for it on every 3rd page!
posted by Krom Tatman at 4:28 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Yes, the Story Clerk can tell You Are On Your Period Because You Are Purchasing Sanitary Products, Chocolate and Painkillers
posted by jzed at 5:13 PM on June 17, 2016


The Many Methods of Messing Up an Air Kiss Greeting
posted by jzed at 5:15 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


No, You Really Can't Remember That Person's Name Even Though You've Been Told It Several Times, and You Need To Get Their Attention
posted by jzed at 5:18 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


If You Don't Open The Email Yet Then You Won't Be Slow To Reply, Because You Can't Respond To Something You Haven't Seen Yet
posted by jzed at 5:25 PM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


You Missed Writing On Someone's Wall On Facebook On Their Birthday, Even Though They Remembered For Yours: It's Not Okay
posted by jzed at 5:27 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Great OP and comments. Oh the ruts worn deep in my brain by similar anxieties.

I can confirm that if you manage to get it together to some extent between age 30 and 50... nature will reward you with some peace and a touch of DGAF.

So, young'uns, you have that to look forward to. Of course it then builds to "get off my lawn" and powder-blue leisure suits and dinner at 4 PM... so maybe it's just the early manifestations of beta-amyloid plaque buildup. And then you really won't care.
posted by Artful Codger at 6:17 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]



But really, the grad school edition is hitting below the belt.

This.

Presumably also in its table of contents: It's Not Your Data, It's You; Hot New Rumors From That Anonymous Job Market Forum; Candid Photos of Peer Reviewers' Expressions When They Read Your Article; 10 Typos You Missed On That Just-Submitted Grant Application; and a special foldout supplement on Fucking Up Citation Formatting: Count the Ways!
posted by karayel at 8:40 PM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


If You Don't Open The Email Yet Then You Won't Be Slow To Reply, Because You Can't Respond To Something You Haven't Seen Yet

Facebook Messenger Special Pull-Out Section:
Page 34: 6 People You Didn't Respond To Immediately After Reading And Now They Think You Hate Them Even Though You Don't
Page 35-38: 27 People Who Didn't Respond To You Immediately After Reading And Now You Think They Hate You And They Totally Hate You, Of Course They Do
posted by eykal at 8:51 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


It's funny how women's magazines actually write headlines like this

by which I mean not funny

Second Annual Phone Anxiety Issue
The Connection's Not Bad, You Just Offended Them Horribly
Seven Ways You Will Fail This Job Interview Because You Can't Tell You're Talking Over Them And They Think You're A Bitch
Election Special! Bernie Sanders' Autodialer: How Brand New Technology Adds Three Awkward "Hello?"s To Revolutionize The Shittiness Of Cold Calls
Investigative Report: The Pharmaceutical Industry Is Colluding With Cell Phone Companies To Ensure Their Frequencies Don't Include The Ones That Convey Human Emotion
posted by gusandrews at 9:59 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


What You Missed This Week That Everyone Has Noticed but You

10 Reasons Your Friends Are Tired of Your Bullshit and Want You to Go to Therapy

You Left the Oven on and the Back Door Unlocked: Five Things You Should Check Every Time You Leave the House

Why Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers All Wish You'd Shut Up

This Secret Problem With Your House Will Kill You in Your Sleep
posted by limeonaire at 10:58 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Why Your Genes and Family History Guarantee You'll Die Alone or Be Murdered in Your Sleep
posted by limeonaire at 11:00 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Why Everyone Is Humoring You and Everything You Think Is Hilarious Falls Flat
posted by limeonaire at 11:01 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


They Didn't Call When They Said They Would: Fifty Ways They Might Be Dead
posted by AFABulous at 9:06 AM on June 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


EXCLUSIVE: They Were Lying When They Said It Was Them, Not You
Includes Collectible Map of All the Places, People, and Events You Should Avoid Indefinitely So You Won't Run Into Them
posted by Krom Tatman at 12:59 PM on June 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


In This Issue: Relax! Just go up and start talking to them!
- Bonus: You'll probably fall into the friendzone again, but keep trying!
posted by numaner at 6:45 PM on June 18, 2016


Email! How to Make It All Go Away
posted by limeonaire at 6:16 AM on June 19, 2016


IT'S TRUE: You CAN keep your loved ones SAFE and ALIVE with the power of CONSTANT THOUGHT.
Who are you forgetting RIGHT NOW?
posted by swerve at 7:56 PM on June 20, 2016 [3 favorites]


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