Cinnabon: Because You're At The Goddamn Airport
June 17, 2016 4:32 PM   Subscribe

 
It's me. I'm the only one who likes the Subway bread smell, apparently. Sorry, everybody.
posted by Countess Elena at 4:34 PM on June 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


Culver's: You're getting fast food; just go all-in with the buttered buns.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:35 PM on June 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


TGIF: If you drink enough you'll love our food and not be shocked by the check.
posted by Splunge at 4:44 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Cinnabon: Because You're At The Goddamn Airport
Or you want to relive your faulty memories of how tasty they are when you aren't at the airport, only to realize they're not that great. Cinnabon are in lots of places now, including gas stations.
posted by filthy light thief at 4:45 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Denny's: It's Three In The Fucking Morning And Everything Else Is Closed

Cici's Pizza: Where "All You Can Eat" Is More Dare Than Opportunity

Red Lobster: Just Send Out More Biscuits
posted by delfin at 4:49 PM on June 17, 2016 [34 favorites]


Waffle House: Late night munchies and a fight.
posted by Splunge at 4:50 PM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


McDonalds - You wil NOT have hamburgers for breakfast!
posted by MikeWarot at 4:51 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Cold Stone: Toss a penny in the cup and they have to sing.
posted by Splunge at 4:53 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Golden Corral: Come for cheap food stay because of the sticky carpet.
posted by Splunge at 4:54 PM on June 17, 2016 [11 favorites]


Surely the Olive Garden slogan should be: DEATH IS COMING. EAT BREADSTICKS. BE FREE
posted by Going To Maine at 4:56 PM on June 17, 2016 [20 favorites]


Applebee's: Look, it's what cousin Linda wants and it's HER birthday, OK?
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:57 PM on June 17, 2016 [68 favorites]


Applebee's: A Good Compromise Is When Nobody Is Happy
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:57 PM on June 17, 2016 [63 favorites]


Old Country Buffet: Quantity beats quality!
posted by anonymisc at 4:57 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Jack in the Box: Proudly serving food that hasn't killed anybody since 1993.
posted by Atom Eyes at 4:58 PM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


Chili's: Halfway decent ribs and lots of other stuff.
posted by Splunge at 5:00 PM on June 17, 2016


Applebee's: When Chili's is Too Ethnic.
posted by Groundhog Week at 5:01 PM on June 17, 2016 [67 favorites]


Sonic: For those days you're just in the mood to watch poor people struggling to look graceful while shlepping giant portions of greasy food around on roller skates.

Shoot. I still can't do "pithy" apparently.
posted by saulgoodman at 5:03 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Burger King: You can't find a McDonalds.
posted by GuyZero at 5:05 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Wendy's: it was that or make a left turn into traffic
posted by rouftop at 5:08 PM on June 17, 2016 [83 favorites]


Red Lobster: I don't care what that song says, Beyoncé has clearly never been here.

Cheesecake Factory: Your parents think it's fancy; don't be an asshole about it.

Denny's: You can eat here ironically once; after that you risk becoming a regular, watching your dreams sink in a bottomless mug of mediocre coffee.

Applebee's: WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?
posted by Parasite Unseen at 5:13 PM on June 17, 2016 [16 favorites]


White Castle: for when you want to sit on the throne all night
posted by turaho at 5:14 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Rax: we miss you, too.
posted by leotrotsky at 5:14 PM on June 17, 2016 [12 favorites]


Wendy's: Don't ask us how we make our chili. Seriously.

McDonalds: You can't find a Burger King.
posted by Splunge at 5:16 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Hardee's/Carl Jr's: Those pants weren't fitting anyways.

Roy Rogers: We are still around, no fooling

White Castle: Cheaper than Dulcolax

Rax: Seriously, even we're surprised we're still around
posted by splen at 5:17 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


One of the best lines in Wolf of Wall Street: "I'll tell you what: I'm never eating at Benihana again. I don't care whose birthday it is."
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 5:18 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Krystal: We can't believe we're getting away with this shit either
posted by BitterOldPunk at 5:19 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


McDonalds: You're on Rt. 80, hours from civilization and it's either us or the hotdogs at the Sunoco station.
posted by octothorpe at 5:19 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Jimmy John's: Mediocre food, FAST!
posted by Splunge at 5:20 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


White Castle: It seemed like a great idea last night.
posted by Splunge at 5:21 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Chi Chi's: On the flip side, most of our onions DIDN'T have Hepatitis A
posted by splen at 5:21 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


I believe this shall be an epic thread.
posted by Splunge at 5:24 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Auntie Anne's: That pretzel appears to be defecating.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:25 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Applebee's: From our microwave to your table
posted by splen at 5:27 PM on June 17, 2016 [9 favorites]


Auntie Anne's: That pretzel appears to be defecating.

Ah, I remember the time I showed my wife the hat in the Arby's logo (before they changed it) and told her what it looked like. She couldn't unsee it.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 5:27 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Little Caesars: Grease-a! Grease-a!
posted by delfin at 5:29 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Blimpie: When the gas station is literally out of every other food option
posted by splen at 5:30 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Ah, I remember the time I showed my wife the hat in the Arby's logo (before they changed it) and told her what it looked like. She couldn't unsee it.

*clutches pearls*
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:30 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Tim Horton's: No think now. Sugar, fat, and caffeine first.

Taco Time: No one has actually eaten here since 1985.

Quiznos: The coupon you just used fucked the owner out of $3.00.

Boston Pizza: Not related to Boston, barely related to pizza, once burned down by rioting Canucks fans.

Dairy Queen: Everything not ice-cream related is vestigial.

Starbucks: Go ahead! Go to that trendy local coffee place. You'll be back. They all come crawling back.
posted by Grimgrin at 5:31 PM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


Domino's: When you're still too drunk to drive to Taco Bell.

Taco Johns: When you don't have enough self respect to eat at Taco Bell.
posted by nathan_teske at 5:32 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Taco Time: Look, we're in Thunder Bay. This is as "Mexican" as it's gonna get.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:34 PM on June 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


Chik Fil-A: Southern cooking can be flavorless too!
posted by at by at 5:34 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Der Wienerschnitzel: No Longer Serving Bill Sperm
posted by delfin at 5:35 PM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Panera: It's okay, you brought noise canceling headphones.

(Is it just my local Paneras that have aggressively bad, loud muzak playing at all times, to keep people from actually enjoying the free WiFi?)
posted by soren_lorensen at 5:37 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Manchu Wok: It's probably chicken
posted by splen at 5:38 PM on June 17, 2016


Arby's: What do Canada, Turkey, and Qatar have in common?
posted by Grimgrin at 5:41 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Jon Stewart did more to Arby's than the rest of us combined can ever dream.
posted by delfin at 5:43 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Denny's: OKAY FINE WE'RE STOPPING, YOU HAPPY NOW?
posted by prize bull octorok at 5:43 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Taco Bueno: It's a low, low bar, but we're above it.
posted by box at 5:44 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Cinnabon: Plastic knives and forks allow to eat it on your lap while riding the subway with what you believe to be a modicum of dignity.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:47 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Friendlys: At least the icecream is good
Krispy Kreme: When Dunkin Donuts feels too healthy
Dunkin Donuts: You'll eat anything while waiting for our coffee to wake you up
KFC: Because a Popeyes hasn't opened up around here yet
posted by Hactar at 5:48 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Caribou/Peet's/Seattle's Best: we're like, a one-hundred-pound gorilla. That means the line at the airport is shorter.
posted by box at 5:54 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Sambo's: It was a very different era.
posted by delfin at 5:55 PM on June 17, 2016 [14 favorites]


Red Lobster: I don't care what that song says, Beyoncé has clearly never been here.

Alternately: It's lobster for crying out loud. what exactly are you bitching about?
posted by jonmc at 6:00 PM on June 17, 2016


Shari's: Oh My God. You Brought Me Here Because You Thought I'd Make A Scene, Didn't You?
posted by prize bull octorok at 6:01 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


In-n-Out: It's easy to be The Best when McDonalds sets such a low standard.
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:06 PM on June 17, 2016


Kentucky Fried Chicken: Irrelevant since three "Colonels" ago.
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:07 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Domino's: Don't know what it is but it arrived on time.
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:07 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


splen: "Blimpie: When the gas station is literally out of every other food option"

This reminds me of a story. Surprise!

My friends and I used to sell tee shirts at concerts. After a good night, around ~$200-$300 in a night we would go to local restaurants to relax. We'd try to figure out who got 'popped', arrested for not having a license to sell.

Of course we had various drugs. When we were in NYC we'd go to Wo Hop and smoke opium with the kitchen guys in the downstairs area. That was always fun.

But later. After we smoked up a bunch of real nice blond hash... We'd go to a Blimpie in Manhattan.

My sandwich was a full size with tuna, provolone, lettuce, tomato and mayo. And we would, after a full Chinese meal, ravage these sandwiches. I don't know about now, but back in the 70s Blimpie was the big brother of Subway. I'm talking a HUGE hero roll filled with cool shit. I miss that. And the hash. And the opium. And... zzzzzzzzzzz
posted by Splunge at 6:09 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Pizza Hut: Neither pizza, nor a hut!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:10 PM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


In-N-Out: Your order is #8. We're now serving #7. Don't worry, it wraps around eventually.
posted by zachlipton at 6:12 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Panda Express: Like a Subway in Imaginary China.
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:12 PM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Dunkin Donuts: Killing more Pats fans than ice and chowder combined since 1950.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:14 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Sbarro: It's Technically Pizza
posted by SansPoint at 6:14 PM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


Sbarro: It's Technically Pizza

Sbarro: “Peetsa”!
posted by Going To Maine at 6:19 PM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


Pret-A-Manger: Food for the lunch hour that's really only ten minutes
posted by SansPoint at 6:20 PM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


What about Popeye's? I recently discovered a Popeye's down the street from my office and their tasty Creole sandwich has become my new thing (4.99 combo every Wednesday, with a 60 cent discount if you don't want the drink) but I still don't know if it's cool or uncool to be eating there.
posted by Flashman at 6:20 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Popeye's: Not today, heart attack.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:20 PM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


Long John Silver's: Toss the fish, eat the hush puppies.
posted by SansPoint at 6:24 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Cracker Barrel: An Accurate Measurement of the Number of Carbs in Your Meal
posted by SansPoint at 6:27 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Popeyes: I can talk myself into believing red beans and rice are healthy today.
posted by dudemanlives at 6:29 PM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


In-n-Out: No, we don't understand the whole cult thing about us either, they're really just burgers.
posted by octothorpe at 6:30 PM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


Checkers / Rally's: You're really only here for the fries.
posted by SansPoint at 6:30 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Qdoba Mexican Grill: When There Isn't a Chipotle You Can Get To
posted by SansPoint at 6:34 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


KFC: Because a Popeyes hasn't opened up around here yet

Not to talk about the chicken but ..


KFC's biscuts and fries are better than Popeye's
posted by The Whelk at 6:35 PM on June 17, 2016


Boston Market: It's The Healthy* Alternative
*For certain values of healthy
posted by SansPoint at 6:35 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Whole Foods Wellspring Cafe: Bacon, croquettes, and and quiche must be healthy if they're organic and cost double.

Noodles and Company: Conveniently located near a Chipotle

Wendys: For some reason there's no McDonalds or Burger King close by

Firehouse Subs: We know, we know, but the hot sauce will cover for it
posted by kewb at 6:39 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Wawa: You're too addicted to care about what the hell the name is supposed to mean.

alternately, in my case:

Wawa: So amazing that even working there can't ruin it.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 6:41 PM on June 17, 2016 [11 favorites]


Wawa: Because you're from New Jersey, and childhood tastes delicious.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:42 PM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]


Perkins: Because Denny's is Closed
Friendly's: Because Perkins is Closed
Ground Round: Because Friendly's is Closed
posted by SansPoint at 6:43 PM on June 17, 2016 [12 favorites]


gloriouslyincandescent, roomthreeseventeen: Hey, Philadelphians have as much claim to Wawa, thank you.

To wit.

Wawa: Order by Touchscreen, because you're too goddamn tired/hungover to deal with a human
posted by SansPoint at 6:44 PM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Bob Evans: SAUSAGES AND CARBOHYDRATES.
posted by SansPoint at 6:45 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Bob Evans: Hey, you chose to live in Ohio.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:47 PM on June 17, 2016 [19 favorites]


Waffle House: Because hey, what's one more bad decision?
posted by NoxAeternum at 6:50 PM on June 17, 2016 [14 favorites]


Ruth's Chris Steak House: For When You Have More Money Than Sense
posted by SansPoint at 6:50 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Quiznos: It's a Subway with a Toaster Oven. Oh, wait Subway has those now.
posted by SansPoint at 6:51 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Waffle House: Because FEMA needs all the help it can get
posted by danabanana at 6:52 PM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Mighty Taco: It's Okay, We're Even Higher Than The Folks At Taco Bell

One time I went there -- I'm not proud -- and the teenager behind the counter asked me, no shit, "How may I satisfy your nutritional requirements?"
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:52 PM on June 17, 2016 [9 favorites]


Fuddruckers: Yes, We Saw Idiocracy too.
posted by SansPoint at 6:53 PM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]


Five Guys: We've bought ALL of the peanut futures.
posted by strange chain at 6:54 PM on June 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


Baskin Robbins: No, our name is not Baskin BRobbins
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 6:55 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Papa John's: We have dips.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:56 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Shoney's: what lawsuit?
posted by traveler_ at 6:57 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Skyline Chili: Soylent Brown.
posted by delfin at 7:02 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Potbelly Sandwich Works: You got Applebee's in my Subway! You got Subway in my Applebee's!
posted by SansPoint at 7:03 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


California Pizza Kitchen: The Definition Of Oxymoron.
posted by NoxAeternum at 7:04 PM on June 17, 2016


Chick-fil-A: We agree, but federal law prohibits us from refusing service on that basis
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 7:05 PM on June 17, 2016 [18 favorites]


All correct Arby's slagans are done by twitter.com/nihilist_arbys
posted by The Gaffer at 7:05 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Five Guys: I know you like fries so I made you twelve extra servings. I'll just, like, dump them into your bag on top of everything else if that's cool.
posted by dephlogisticated at 7:06 PM on June 17, 2016 [27 favorites]


Little Caesar's: Detroit's Most Dubious Export Since The Edsel.
posted by NoxAeternum at 7:09 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Five Guys: I know you like fries so I made you twelve extra servings. I'll just, like, dump them into your bag on top of everything else if that's cool.

I started an experiment three months ago of ditching fries from my diet. The only problem is that means I cannot go to Five Guys anymore, because even if I don't order fries, those fuckers will probably give me some.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 7:11 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Ponderosa / Bonanza: Come for the buffet. Stay for the buffet.
posted by SansPoint at 7:12 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Qdoba Mexican Grill: Safer than Chipotle
posted by lhauser at 7:12 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Old Country Buffet: Just call the Board of Health.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:14 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Nathan's Famous: We have stuff other than hot dogs, but why would you order it?
posted by SansPoint at 7:14 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Red Robin: Bottomless Fries are a Threat, Not a Promise
posted by SansPoint at 7:16 PM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


I clicked into this thread expecting the comments to have better slogans than the article, and I was not disappointed. :3
posted by Aleyn at 7:40 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Jamba Juice: Ice Cream for Lunch is Totally Healthy, Trust Us
posted by bibliowench at 7:42 PM on June 17, 2016 [12 favorites]


Five Guys: You're Not the Only One Who Thinks In-N-Out Is Garbage
posted by invitapriore at 7:43 PM on June 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


Black Eyed Pea: When you can't drop weight for your next wrestling match quickly enough.

Country Barrel: The next exit is 17.5 miles away and you need gravy.

In-and-Out: When prayer isn't strong enough and you crave God.
posted by Conway at 7:43 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


The only problem is that means I cannot go to Five Guys anymore, because even if I don't order fries, those fuckers will probably give me some.

If at some point you decide you want some fries but only a normal-sized serving, the secret code at Five Guys is "no topper". They will know what that means.
posted by dephlogisticated at 7:46 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Bucca de Beppo: The entries are meant to be shared, but it's not like we'll stop you
posted by SansPoint at 7:46 PM on June 17, 2016 [7 favorites]


Shake Shack: 90 minutes of waiting. 90 seconds of eating.

but so worth it.
posted by SansPoint at 7:52 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Qdoba Mexican Grill: Fxinta! Pcelto! Dtristkm!
posted by threeants at 8:02 PM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


these are definitely all consonant clusters that can occur in spanish ™
posted by threeants at 8:02 PM on June 17, 2016 [9 favorites]


Arby's: No, relax, you don't actually have IBS
posted by thecaddy at 8:09 PM on June 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


Wawa: Because secretly you like Sheetz better
posted by thecaddy at 8:12 PM on June 17, 2016 [4 favorites]


Jimmy John's: Because You Only Get 30 Minutes for Lunch and Fran from HR Has the Receptionist Clocking People In and Out, and Adam Got Written Up on Tuesday Because He Was Gone for 35 Minutes, Which Is Like, Come On, It Takes Like 10 Minutes Just to Get Over to Where the Lunch Places Are, But What Can You Do?
posted by chimpsonfilm at 8:23 PM on June 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


Do not speak of the False WaWa in this thread.
posted by schmod at 8:25 PM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


Five Guys: There Are At Least Eight People Working Here, Whatever Happened To Truth In Advertising
posted by Rush-That-Speaks at 8:34 PM on June 17, 2016 [2 favorites]


Wimpy: Oh my God, Wimpy Bars are still going?
posted by comealongpole at 8:58 PM on June 17, 2016


Pizza Pizza: Neither pizza nor pizza.
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:12 PM on June 17, 2016 [10 favorites]


Boss: They installed a Krispy Kreme doughnut machine in the cafeteria.
Me: You know, Krispy Kreme doughnuts are just fat and sugar held together with refined white flour. They are pornographic in the sense that they have no redeeming social value.
Boss: In which case, it should be up to the community to allow them or not. Unfortunately, we live in the nutritional equivalent of Sodom and Gomorrah, so there's not much hope.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 9:43 PM on June 17, 2016 [13 favorites]


IHOP: you really wanted pancakes, but couldn't find a local diner, or
IHOP: smother anything in your choice of flavored sugar goop.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:24 PM on June 17, 2016


DQ: really? you couldn't find anything better than this?
posted by bologna on wry at 10:30 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


Bojangles: You really don't want to live downwind of us

no seriously it sucks
posted by indubitable at 10:35 PM on June 17, 2016


Popeyes: love that chicken from Popeyes!

(No, seriously. Popeyes is the best.)
posted by Night_owl at 10:48 PM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


McDonald's: Sooner or later, you WILL come to us. Everybody does. Sooner. Or. Later.

McDonald's: No, stopping at every one of us between San Jose and Los Angeles won't get you that one Happy Meal toy.
posted by happyroach at 11:13 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


I suppose it violates the spirit of the discussion, but I want to share the actual slogan (you can get it on a T-shirt if you really want..) used by the local small-town hamburger place a few blocks away from me.: "Burger Queen: Burger Bitch just didn't sound right."
posted by Nerd of the North at 11:21 PM on June 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


For a (unsurprisingly) brief time in the mid 1980s, my hometown of ~1k people in rural Minnesota had a little independent pizza place named Bosco's.

Their slogan: "Cheaper Than Food".

In a completely unironic way! And I am absolutely not making this up; my family still jokes about it 30 years later. I think they honestly thought it was a good slogan, in the "hey, about tonight's meal: purchasing a freshly baked pizza from Bosco's--when you factor in the costs of raw materials, and the time and energy saved--may ultimately be a more economical choice than doing it yourself, all things considered" sense.

So, pithy? Yes. Tagline of a successful business? Um... no.
posted by rodeoclown at 11:25 PM on June 17, 2016 [12 favorites]


Sbarro: Italian for "Filthy Restroom"
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:32 PM on June 17, 2016 [8 favorites]


> Tagline of a successful business? Um... no.

Blimpy Burger in Ann Arbor (no relation to the sub shop chain) ran on the slogan "Cheaper than Food" for decades, and printed it on their teeshirts. It eventually succumbed to Michigan's economic malaise and the corporatification of all retail property around the University of Michigan, but it had a impressive run for a mom-and-pop scale business.
posted by ardgedee at 11:47 PM on June 17, 2016 [1 favorite]


KFC's biscuts and fries are better than Popeye's
posted by The Whelk at 11:35 AM on June 18 [+] [!]


Reposted for heresy.

/Donald Sutherland pointing and screaming JPEG
posted by Ghidorah at 11:55 PM on June 17, 2016 [6 favorites]


Neither Popeye's nor Kentucky Fried Chicken biscuits meet my expectations, calibrated by the buttermilk biscuits served at New City Elementary School in the early 70's.
posted by mikelieman at 12:24 AM on June 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


With that said, it's no contest, Popeye's is one of the few fast food places that actually deserves respect ( and my business )
posted by mikelieman at 12:25 AM on June 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


The "It's okay we're high, too" one should totally have been Jack in the Box I mean fer chrissakes they have a "Nacho Taco" that's a deep fried taco injected with liquid cheez product and canned jalapenos. And don't get me started on the "Late Night Munchie Meal".
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 12:39 AM on June 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


Schlotsky's: I wish I could remember enough about it to be pithy.
posted by bendy at 1:13 AM on June 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


A&W, home of the Mama Burger and Papa Burger: OEDIPUS WRETCH
posted by oulipian at 2:50 AM on June 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Lion's Choice: We'll Say Whatever You Need Us To About the Size of Your Dick
posted by invitapriore at 3:37 AM on June 18, 2016


Steak 'n Shake: actually delicious, sorry

The cashier always calls me "Hon"
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:59 AM on June 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


(I meant RETCH)
sorry mom
posted by oulipian at 5:03 AM on June 18, 2016


For actual IRL taglines, I've always had a grudging admiration for Culver's signs that say

FROZEN CUSTARD
BUTTERBURGERS

for cramming the maximum amount of cholesterol into such a small space.
posted by gimonca at 6:02 AM on June 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


Arthur Treacher's: 9 out of 10 people can't tell the difference between us and Long John Silvers in blind taste tests.
posted by SansPoint at 6:33 AM on June 18, 2016


Not a restaurant chain, but a raw-meat outlet chain had the slogan "Butcher Boy meat can't be beat."

Mc Donald's: Oh, you didn't want spit with that?



I ate at an In-n-Out once. I was sick for days after.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:43 AM on June 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Wetson's: Home of Your Mid-'70s Brain Freeze
posted by the sobsister at 6:49 AM on June 18, 2016


Applebee's: Because you're visiting your parents.
posted by entropicamericana at 7:02 AM on June 18, 2016


McDonald's: Because You Have Kids (and No Spine)
posted by mazola at 7:48 AM on June 18, 2016


Long John Silvers: no, seriously, we'll give you extra bits of fried batter if you ask us, it's a thing, seriously! Also, hush puppies. Hush. Puppies.
posted by Ghidorah at 8:03 AM on June 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


People go there to eat shoes?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 9:24 AM on June 18, 2016


Popeyes: Actually Named After The Guy In "The French Connection"
Popeyes: It Tastes Like Nostalgia

I am incapable of being snarky about Popeyes because I grew up in New Orleans and it is the hometown favorite. And because I have spent my adult life living in various places that are about as far away from New Orleans as you can get and still be in the continental US, so have had a dearth of Popeyes to visit.
posted by egypturnash at 9:57 AM on June 18, 2016


Pizza Pizza: The poutine is some kind of dare, right? No, wait. Veiled threat. Let's go with veiled threat.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:21 AM on June 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Queen of Thorns: "what veil?"
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 10:34 AM on June 18, 2016


Papa John's: Lowered Expectations Make A Better Pizza!
posted by Spatch at 11:44 AM on June 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Church's Fried Chicken: MMMMmmmmmoist! MMmmmooiist! mooooiiiiisssstt!!!!
posted by ardgedee at 12:11 PM on June 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I don't remember the name of the place in Kalamazoo (on Westnedge, across from what used to be the Jewel), but there used to be a fried chicken place that also did fish, and was pretty decent, enough so that in the Midwest, my mom said it was okay to eat there, since keeping kosher in the wasteland that was southwest Michigan in the eighties was pretty damn difficult. The only problem? Every single thing, cups, boxes, bags, all of it had their logo, and this saying:

Only one life
T'will soon be past
Only what's done
For Christ will last


Awkward. Good chicken though.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:14 PM on June 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


@Ghidorah: Chicken Coop. That particular location is closed but there's still one in town.
posted by mmb5 at 4:15 PM on June 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Oh man. Speaking of which, I am super nostalgic for Hardee's fried chicken and biscuits. Anybody had that recently? And where can I find the Hardee's that still do this?
posted by Night_owl at 4:22 PM on June 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Tim Hortons: The First Thing You Remember Today.
posted by suetanvil at 5:19 PM on June 18, 2016


Thanks, mmb5. Do they still have that printed on everything? It's funhy, because I haven't eaten there in at least twenty five years, but I still remember the exact phrasing.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:53 PM on June 18, 2016


Dick's: the jokes just write themselves here, especially late at night and while really drunk.

(Seattlites know of what I speak)
posted by spinifex23 at 6:57 PM on June 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


In-N-Out: fast food you have to wait half an hour to get.

Also, your skin will smell weird for days after.
posted by Puddle Jumper at 7:16 PM on June 18, 2016


Cook-Out: When Hardee's is too fancy.
Char-Grill: When Cook-Out is too fancy.
posted by ardgedee at 7:45 PM on June 18, 2016


Back Yard Burgers: Hey, time makes fools of us all. I don't suppose you have a peanut allergy?
posted by box at 9:30 PM on June 18, 2016


Wing Stop: yes, we've heard the one about Rick Ross.
posted by box at 9:32 PM on June 18, 2016


Burger King: Our burgers are better than McDonalds.
McDonalds: Our fries are better than Burger King.

Good thing they are right across the street from each other. (My sister used to go to both drive-throughs to get her favorite combo.)
posted by Belle O'Cosity at 10:25 PM on June 18, 2016


Burger King: That aroma that hangs in the bathroom the next day.
Wendy's: Meeting the minimum federal requirements for it to be called chili.
Chic-Fil-A: The best fast-food chicken in town, so of course it comes with a mandatory side-order of hatred.
Arby's: What horrible reason could they have to not ever use the words barbeque sauce?
Golden Corral: Even though it's a buffet place, you're still expected to tip?!
posted by JHarris at 10:58 PM on June 18, 2016


Even though it's a buffet place, you're still expected to tip?!

Not to start a derail (I hope), but I tip in buffet places where the staff clears empty plates from the table promptly and brings drinks, etc. I really don't like the tipping system, but have no reason to think buffet-restaurant workers are paid any better than in places with 100% table service.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:25 AM on June 19, 2016


The thing about tipping is, tipping restaurants are actually allowed to pay their waitstaff less (sometimes much less) because they'll presumably be making up for it with tips. So, when a place encourages tipping, the first thing I think is they're not even making minimum wage, and I'm expected to pay the difference. But how much? IF they don't make at lest minimum wage with tips the employer is supposed to make up the difference, but who knows how avid they are at doing that The whole system, in the end, is just a way to put more of the responsibility of compensating employees on the customer. They should give them more money dammit, and then let us pay extra for good service, instead of putting customers in the place of imagining starving babies if they don't give 15/18/20/22% which was it again?

At least at McDonalds you know everyone is making minimum wage, however pitiful it might be.
posted by JHarris at 9:26 AM on June 19, 2016


Carl's Jr.: It's around the Corner from the Conference Hotel and You Are a Failure at Mingling.
posted by Sonny Jim at 11:00 AM on June 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


Five Guys: We now have milkshakes! After 30 years we get to finally be a real Burger joint (select locations only - while stocks last - some terms and conditions apply - we offer Bacon as a milkshake mixin. Bacon. Christ, what have we become? )

Five Guys: Sure it's like three times the price of In-and-Out, but you literally get peanuts more.

Five Guys: Insert joke about it tasting like you have five guys in your mouth
posted by inflatablekiwi at 4:19 PM on June 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


Oh man, for some reason this thread made me remember the 90s fast food chain Hot 'n Now that was basically a shed loaded with microwaves.
posted by sweetmarie at 10:33 AM on June 20, 2016


Sonic: Don't worry about the environment, your drink is still cold
posted by clorox at 2:52 AM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


We had a bunch of Hot n Now places in Kalamazoo. Being broke growing up, everything being 39 cents was pretty awesome. Of course, now, I'm pretty terrified of how low the quality must have been. They did, however, deliver on their promise. It was hot, and it was fast as hell.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:28 AM on June 21, 2016


Buzzfeed: It'd be funny if it had loaded before I closed the window.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 6:51 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


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