There is a train directly behind this one.
June 21, 2016 10:30 AM Subscribe

Watch NYers' Hearts Break As They JUST Miss The Subway Train (SL YouTube)
posted by roomthreeseventeen (189 comments total) 24 users marked this as a favorite

Fixed the audio.
posted by gwint at 10:39 AM on June 21, 2016 [18 favorites]

Dude at 1:08 errday.
posted by phunniemee at 10:39 AM on June 21, 2016 [4 favorites]

Dude in the red coat you are what is wrong with the world.
posted by GuyZero at 10:42 AM on June 21, 2016 [4 favorites]

womp womp womp

This really is a heartbreaking thing that happens to me at least once a month. It's especially tough because access to my subway station (Back Bay in Boston) requires coming down a set of stairs and there's always someone (or someones) walking slowly down the stairs (usually texting) in front of me when I'm running to catch the subway.

Also, I never understand how "there's another train directly behind this one" is supposed to make me feel good. It's a train track, of course it's directly behind this one. Where else is it going to be? ...and what's the deal with airplane food?
posted by bondcliff at 10:43 AM on June 21, 2016 [22 favorites]

In high school I would just punch straight between the doors when they were closing. If I was fast enough, the doors would catch on my forearm and then open slightly and then I'd be able to pry them open/keep them open until the conductor opened them.

This is inadvisable.
posted by griphus at 10:45 AM on June 21, 2016 [17 favorites]

someone (or someones) walking slowly down the stairs (usually texting) in front of me when I'm running to catch the subway.

Fun fact: in many states it is actually legal to give them a nice firm kick directly between the shoulder blades.
posted by phunniemee at 10:45 AM on June 21, 2016 [40 favorites]

it me
posted by SansPoint at 10:45 AM on June 21, 2016 [7 favorites]

I enjoyed this way too much for someone who has never been to New York.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 10:46 AM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

pro tip: if you scream loudly and horribly while running for the doors the conductor is more likely to reopen them because they think someone may be partially caught in the doors and screaming in terror
posted by poffin boffin at 10:46 AM on June 21, 2016 [51 favorites]

trust me

would i ever lead you astray
posted by poffin boffin at 10:46 AM on June 21, 2016 [57 favorites]

I'm eight months pregnant; every time I JUST miss a train and realize I have to stand up for as long as five more minutes I almost cry.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 10:47 AM on June 21, 2016 [22 favorites]

if you scream loudly and horribly

Do not try this in shop class/machine shop. Don't ask me how I know this.
posted by RolandOfEld at 10:47 AM on June 21, 2016 [10 favorites]

Once, I was standing on the platform for five or ten minutes before the train came in, and then I patiently waited for all the passengers to alight from the train, as one does to be courteous, and just as I went to step onto the car, the conductor shut the doors in my face.

That one still bugs me.
posted by holborne at 10:48 AM on June 21, 2016 [24 favorites]

. . . there's always someone (or someones) walking slowly down the stairs (usually texting) in front of me when I'm running to catch the subway. . .

Just don't be this guy.
posted by The Bellman at 10:49 AM on June 21, 2016 [6 favorites]

holborne, the same exact thing happened to me once. We should start a support group.
posted by bondcliff at 10:50 AM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

Pete Morton's song suddenly comes to mind:

The beginning is now
It will always be
You say you lost your chance
Then fate brought you defeat
But that means nothing
You look so sad
You've been listening to those
Who say you missed your chance

There's another train
There always is
Maybe the next, one is yours
Get up and climb aboard
Another train
posted by ntartifex at 10:51 AM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'm going to do this for DC metro, because it's so much more dramatic here. And there's always that chance of an asshole causing the whole train to be offloaded because they broke one of the doors trying to wedge themselves in as it's closing.
posted by numaner at 10:54 AM on June 21, 2016 [8 favorites]

On the Metro North, at the White Plains station, I saw a guy who was simply trying to walk through my train, both side's door open, get the doors closed while he was on the train he did not want to be on. He had to go to North White and wait for a train back. They do not come as frequently as a subway.
posted by AugustWest at 10:55 AM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was once on the G when the conductor announced express stops after the doors had closed and I think he got the general mood of the inside of his train when he quickly decided he'd make local stops until the next express stop.
posted by griphus at 10:55 AM on June 21, 2016 [5 favorites]

They should do a 'little victories' version of this on the other side of the doors on the train, for people who just manage to squeeze through.
posted by carter at 10:56 AM on June 21, 2016 [10 favorites]

Also, is there some version of Murphy's Law that states that, no matter where I'm standing on the platform, the subway will always land so that I am standing at the junction of two cars? Because that shit always seems to happen to me.
posted by bondcliff at 10:56 AM on June 21, 2016

Here in Toronto I was once on a subway car that pulled into a station that was almost almost deserted; there was a woman standing against the wall at the far side of the platform, and she very slowly walked towards the car with a blissful, distant expression on her face. She walked so slowly that the doors closed before she reached the car and she bumped her head on the door, whereupon she reacted as though the most unlikely event in the history of the universe had just occurred.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:56 AM on June 21, 2016 [37 favorites]

They should do a 'little victories' version of this on the other side of the doors on the train, for people who just manage to squeeze through.

There's definitely a camaraderie when you and a fellow traveler both fit through the door one after the other right as it's closing. It's almost like you just went skydiving together and survived. I've never highfived another one ('cause usually you just hauled ass to make it and you're both out of breath), but every time there's a knowing smile, maybe a nod, a shared look of "WE WERE THE LUCKY CHOSEN THAT DEFIED ~~DEATH~~ THE CLOSING DOOR!"
posted by numaner at 11:00 AM on June 21, 2016 [12 favorites]

"In high school I would just punch straight between the doors when they were closing. If I was fast enough, the doors would catch on my forearm and then open slightly and then I'd be able to pry them open/keep them open until the conductor opened them. "

I suggest using your foot to catch closing doors. This works if your foot is inside a shoe (as opposed to a sandal or barefoot.) The shoe will protect your foot and you can basically block the door from closing more allowing you to squeeze through the gap.
posted by I-baLL at 11:00 AM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Wish I had filmed the bro who got his bike stuck in the doors of my train last week instead of just taking a picture. Heading the conductor explain that it's a federal offense to delay the departure of a train was also fun.
posted by Space Coyote at 11:00 AM on June 21, 2016 [4 favorites]

I don't think I can watch this video. I haven't lived in NYC for a dozen years now, but just the post title set off a hardwired reaction. It's especially fun when you've been out drinking till the bars close and you just want to get home and get a few hours' sleep before you have to get up and go to work. Plus your bladder is full.
posted by languagehat at 11:01 AM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

also one time I missed the L and you know it's like a full fucking 15 minutes between those trains so I insensitively jammed my hand between the doors as they shut but forgot I was carrying a newspaper so that ended up stuck in the door (without my hands) as the doors closed and the train sailed away
posted by The Whelk at 11:01 AM on June 21, 2016 [11 favorites]

I suggest using your foot to catch closing doors.

wait how is this supposed to make girls think i'm Cool and Tough
posted by griphus at 11:02 AM on June 21, 2016 [4 favorites]

Plus your bladder is full.

It's a train station - that's nature's bathroom.
posted by griphus at 11:03 AM on June 21, 2016 [12 favorites]

I think the title oversells it. Most of these people's reactions seem completely appropriate. Less heartbreak and more like "nuts, I missed the train!"

When I go places by train, I don't even bother looking at the schedule, because if I do, I invariably end up waiting to leave until the last minute and wind up just like these people. If I don't look at the schedule I have to wait, on average, half a train-interval. If I do look at the schedule I have to wait a whole one.
posted by aubilenon at 11:03 AM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

If you're lucky enough to have a home subway station where the conductor's cabin stops right by the station entrance, they'll often hold the doors for you as you swipe in. I guess because they feel bad closing the doors on you if they're staring at you in the face. This should seriously be advertised as a luxury amenity in apartment ads.
posted by Pfardentrott at 11:03 AM on June 21, 2016 [6 favorites]

Not to go all standup comic on ya, but what I hate is actually the people who get on and stand right there by the door and block the way for everyone else - a lot more people would be able to get on the train faster and on time if they didn't have to elbow their way in past the guy in the suit who can't hear you say "excuse me" to get past him because he's reading The Wall Street Journal and blasting NIN on his iPod or something.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:04 AM on June 21, 2016 [16 favorites]

They should do a 'little victories' version of this on the other side of the doors on the train, for people who just manage to squeeze through.

Best little subway victory I ever saw, this guy was leaving the train and dropped his wallet. He was outside the train, his wallet inside. A couple of us yelled to him and he turned around just as the doors were closing. One guy reached down, scooped up the wallet, and tossed it out to the guy, who caught it. There was just enough room as the door was closing to fit the wallet out.

The guy who tossed the wallet deserved some sort of trophy, or perhaps a cake. Something.
posted by bondcliff at 11:05 AM on June 21, 2016 [74 favorites]

I think the title oversells it. Most of these people's reactions seem completely appropriate. Less heartbreak and more like "nuts, I missed the train!"

If they are anything like me, their hearts are breaking from the inside, which is why I couldn't watch more than 90 seconds of this.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:05 AM on June 21, 2016 [7 favorites]

I always feel dumb when I run for a train on the DC Metro and then it ends up sitting there for another 5-10 minutes. But still, it's better than the alternative -- missing the train & then waiting another 25 minutes for the next one.

I'm not really a complainer about the Metro but I generally only ride it for pleasure. It could be better, certainly, but they're trying as hard as they can (you know, with the lack of funding from two states who don't see why it's necessary & the federal government who also doesn't understand why it's necessary).
posted by darksong at 11:05 AM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

the people who get on and stand right there by the door and block the way for everyone else

you can just punch them in the kidneys, i think it was laguardia who officially made that a law, probably around the same time he banned organized crime artichokes.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:06 AM on June 21, 2016 [19 favorites]

I saw somebody almost get trapped inside the train this morning. She realized it was her stop, or something, at the last second, and got halfway out. A few guys also put their hands in between the doors, and she finally got out. But ouch.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:07 AM on June 21, 2016

he banned organized crime artichokes.

he also banned organ grinders with monkeys cause he thought they perpetuated negative Italian stereotypes.

I'm not kidding.
posted by The Whelk at 11:08 AM on June 21, 2016 [8 favorites]

one huge culture shock was in Toronto when I JUST missed the subway and the train conductor leaned out and re-opened the subway doors and waved me in and I was stunned for a good second cause it hadn't ever occurred to me that could happen.

One time I was running for the train near my house, but I was only like halfway down the stairs and the doors made their piquant "ding ding!" noise that signals your failure, so I slowed down, but then I looked over and made eye contact with the conductor, which was in the front car directly below me, and he gestured patiently toward the doors that had just re-opened. I was so shocked that I stopped dead on the stairs, and there was an awkward five seconds where neither of us was even able to fathom what the other could possibly be doing, until I finally made a dash for the door.
posted by Mayor West at 11:09 AM on June 21, 2016 [10 favorites]

holborne, the same exact thing happened to me once. We should start a support group.

Yeah, I still wonder -- was the dude just in a bad mood, or was it something about me that made him want to try and amputate the tip of my nose?
posted by holborne at 11:11 AM on June 21, 2016

I was so shocked that I stopped dead on the stairs

yeah, same. i would probably refuse to get on the train because now it's definitely a death train going to murderland and i'm not falling for that crap.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:11 AM on June 21, 2016 [6 favorites]

If you've been on the DC Metro recently, there is assuredly not another train directly behind this one.
posted by schmod at 11:14 AM on June 21, 2016 [24 favorites]

This happened to me in Philadelphia when I was visiting friends summer before last and it made me feel so urban and sophisticated that I didn't even regret having to wait 23 minutes for the next train.
posted by not that girl at 11:14 AM on June 21, 2016 [5 favorites]

I hate the Cubs. Nothing they did. It's really just their fans, who clog up the Red Line like three dipped Italian Beefs a day for a decade do to an artery. You can run and rush and try to make the train, but there's just a wall of flesh, dressed in those stupid blue pinstripes, blocking your way in, and there's always standing room in the middle of the car, but those inconsiderate buffoons are going to a beer garden instead of going to watch the gentleman's game and don't know better...

This is why New York has pushed their stadiums as far away from mankind as possible.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:16 AM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'm a Midwesterner, in case that wasn't obvious from my story of how missing a train by two seconds was a thrilling big-city experience for me.
posted by not that girl at 11:16 AM on June 21, 2016 [8 favorites]

This is also the stuff of nightmares when you're riding the subway with a little kid, that one of you will get on and the other won't and then you've lost your kid and you no longer have a kid and you have to go home and explain to your wife why you no longer have a kid and she's like "but you had a kid when you left the house" and you're like "yeah I know but we don't have a kid anymore because the doors closed."

Man, I hate when that happens.
posted by bondcliff at 11:17 AM on June 21, 2016 [59 favorites]

This is why New York has pushed their stadiums as far away from mankind as possible.

Which has made it worse because the Yankee Fans now have an entire length of subway track in which to accumulate and swell in numbers (and girth).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:18 AM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty new to New York so all these kinds of moments are still incredibly charming to me. I have taken to muttering "tfw" under my breath when I just miss the train, or the train pulls up at just the right time, or the moment when SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK on the train and everybody looks around and tries to figure out if it's worth taking their earphones out to try to listen. TFW! Lots of different kinds of specific feelings in this town is what I'm saying.
posted by wemayfreeze at 11:20 AM on June 21, 2016

One of the proudest middle fingers I ever flashed was to the dude who gave me guff for hurrying down the Porter's Square escalator. His tune changed from "No need to rush!" as I went past to "Hold the door!" as he reached the bottom and realized he could just about make it. Rather than extend a foot of closing-door blocking charity, I raised a finger of righteousness as the car took off into the darkness.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:22 AM on June 21, 2016 [47 favorites]

The worst is when I'm commuting with grumpybearbride and hustle on to secure a spot for us but the door closes behind me and I am stuck staring at her "OMFG you did this AGAIN you NINCOMPOOP" look as she slowly slides out of view.
posted by grumpybear69 at 11:24 AM on June 21, 2016 [5 favorites]

this is not just a NYC issue, i cannot tell you the utter despair i feel every time i miss the utter lack of public transportation in Nebraska by just a few seconds
posted by beerperson at 11:26 AM on June 21, 2016 [35 favorites]

I have taken to muttering "tfw" under my breath when I just miss the train, or the train pulls up at just the right time, or the moment when SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK on the train and everybody looks around and tries to figure out if it's worth taking their earphones out to try to listen. TFW!

.....what does "tfw" stand for?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:28 AM on June 21, 2016

Once I was running to catch the train and this fat woman was completely blocking the door. So I did the New Yorker thing and just pushed my way in. She looked at me and scowled, "What the fuck is your problem?" And I told her not to block the goddamn door. And then I kept walking and minding my own business.

After, the grumbling died down, I saw that she got a seat. Upon closer inspection, I could see she was pregnant. Oh great, I thought, now I'm the asshole.
posted by fungible at 11:28 AM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

No one looks as apprehensive as a grade school teacher making sure an entire classroom load of 7-year-olds gets onto a subway train without leaving any of them behind.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 11:28 AM on June 21, 2016 [6 favorites]

I always used to be kinda zen about this, because I lived off the 2/3 so the next train was just gonna be four or five minutes away.

Now that I live on the C, I know that whenever this happens I'm in for ten to fifteen minutes of standing around and I become a WHITE HOT RAGE BALL
posted by Itaxpica at 11:28 AM on June 21, 2016 [4 favorites]

I'd heard all the stories about how Canadians are some creepy other species made of niceness and politeness, but I didn't really believe it till the day in Toronto I ran desperately to catch the bus and it sat there, waiting for me, and when I got on the driver said "there's no need to rush, don't worry," with a cheerful, friendly laugh, not even annoyed at me for holding him up for an entire minute.

Strange, bizarre aliens I tell you.
posted by Cozybee at 11:28 AM on June 21, 2016 [26 favorites]

in conclusion fuck the C
posted by Itaxpica at 11:29 AM on June 21, 2016 [8 favorites]

What is that woman at 0:04 even doing she ambled by an open door that one is her fault

My best NYC "almost missing the train" story: once at Ditmars Blvd I was hauling ass up the stairs to catch the train and the doors closed right when I got to the platform so I mock shook my fist at the conductor and he saw me and opened the doors and I gave a little bow and entered the train.

My best "almost missing the train" story in general: when I lived in London I was heading back to Belsize Park on the Northern Line at like 11PM. Rounded the corner, and in a split second my brain took in all relevant information: yes, this was the right train, yes, the doors are still open, and yes, the next train isn't for 20 minutes. So I ran, and as the doors closed, jumped about 3 feet into the train like a transit ninja, landed in a little crouch as all the buttoned-up English people stared at this large showy American, and calmly sauntered over to an empty seat, sat down, and took out a book. I still don't know how I managed it except for the fact that I was 20.

Fuck I miss New York sometimes.
posted by Automocar at 11:30 AM on June 21, 2016 [17 favorites]

I lived off the 2/3 so the next train was just gonna be four or five minutes away..... Now that I live on the C...

this is like the ghost stories nyc kids tell at sleepover parties
posted by poffin boffin at 11:35 AM on June 21, 2016 [20 favorites]

"little heshie got on the G train was never heard from again!" [everyone screams]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:35 AM on June 21, 2016 [5 favorites]

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to hold all the doors
From Astoria to Coney Isle
The whole length of the Q
posted by infinitewindow at 11:35 AM on June 21, 2016 [14 favorites]

This is also the stuff of nightmares when you're riding the subway with a little kid, that one of you will get on and the other won't and then you've lost your kid and you no longer have a kid and you have to go home and explain to your wife why you no longer have a kid and she's like "but you had a kid when you left the house" and you're like "yeah I know but we don't have a kid anymore because the doors closed."

That was a segment on Louie.
posted by painquale at 11:36 AM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

Shoutout to the one conductor that kept the door open a full extra ten seconds or so while I comically struggled up the stairs with a full suitcase to catch the 5 AM train that just got me to the airport on time.

I'll never know his name, but I know I love him.
posted by R a c h e l at 11:38 AM on June 21, 2016 [13 favorites]

I just remembered the two guys on a Coney Island-bound F Train at Ditmas Avenue who asked me if the train was going to Yankee Stadium.

I hope they got there eventually.
posted by griphus at 11:38 AM on June 21, 2016 [13 favorites]

That was a segment on Louie.

Yeah. I feel like it was sort of a public service when he did that. By the time I saw it my son was old enough where I didn't really have to worry but his talk about The Rules beforehand was pretty great.
posted by bondcliff at 11:38 AM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

.....what does "tfw" stand for?

That Feeling When … ! It's internet slang used to talk about specific feelings which arise in specific moments, I guess you could say.
posted by wemayfreeze at 11:38 AM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

It's a train station - that's nature's bathroom.

I've only done it once. I would have felt guilty, but the sheer, overwhelming relief was one of the greatest physical experiences of my life. Plus, the woman in the booth at 125th clearly had no fucks to give.

Remember kids -- don't do an open bar New Year's Eve in SoHo, trying to get your money's worth out of a Very Expensive Cover Charge, and then try to ride a bumpy 2 train back to the Bronx.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:40 AM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

I thought "tfw" stood for "the fucking worst"?
posted by Kitteh at 11:40 AM on June 21, 2016

And that the next stop? Mine. I love you, Belmont to Western Brown Line Express.

When I lived in Chicago I had a shithole apartment right by Belmont and worked in Evanston and the Purple Line was just so goddamned amazing. If I was lucky I could get the seat in the front car that could see straight out onto the tracks too, it was bliss.
posted by kmz at 11:40 AM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

that feel when
posted by poffin boffin at 11:40 AM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

that fiiiiine whale
posted by beerperson at 11:41 AM on June 21, 2016 [23 favorites]

My train is on the bottom level of the station, but another line runs through the same track. So you can hear a train coming in, but there is no way of knowing whether it is mine (green line) or a train I don’t care about (yellow line) until you reach the platform.

So when I hear a train arriving on the track, I flat out RUN down the escalator, only to sometimes find the wrong train and begin dawdling along, no longer caring how slow I walk. (Obviously only once I am off the escalator, I’m not a HIDEOUS MONSTER STANDING STILL ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE ESCALATOR. LIKE SOME PEOPLE.)

It is Schroedinger’s commuter line, every day.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 11:45 AM on June 21, 2016 [4 favorites]

This is why New York has pushed their stadiums as far away from mankind as possible.

On behalf of all of the rest of my fellow humans who live in Queens: *blows raspberries*
posted by zarq at 11:46 AM on June 21, 2016 [5 favorites]

It's not missing the train so much as it's watching it leave you behind. :|

(But then I remember that Virgin Airlines flight that let me board 7 minutes prior to takeoff, and realize I've already used up all my public transit karma. Fair trade.)
posted by Space Kitty at 11:48 AM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

The real Toronto equivalent of this would be a video of people impatiently walking out into the road and angrily peering down the street in the vain hope of seeing an approaching streetcar, then defeatedly trudging back to the sidewalk.
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:49 AM on June 21, 2016 [15 favorites]

Nothing compared to this Swede in Göteborg.
posted by Namlit at 11:50 AM on June 21, 2016 [5 favorites]

Okay, I will tell a story that has always kind of embarrassed me, and it's about a bus rather than a train, but perhaps this is the right place and time.

I was once standing at a former bus stop. That is, a corner that had been a bus stop some years before when I'd last lived nearby - the actual stop had been moved down a block. I had not even bothered to look up at the street sign, unconsciously assuming that rather than a parking sign it was a bus stop indicator. So I'm hanging out there all cool (or as cool as Young Frowner ever got) leaning on a fence. The bus comes along, trundling rather slowly as it always did at that point, I step forward and make eye contact with the driver just as I realize that there is no stop. The bus stopped for me for no good reason. I got on the bus. "You know this isn't a stop," the driver said as I slunk to the back.

This has always embarrassed me, but in retrospect I realize that I stopped a bus with the sheer force of my charismatic gaze.
posted by Frowner at 11:53 AM on June 21, 2016 [48 favorites]

That Louie segment, it's unbearable.
posted by mumimor at 11:54 AM on June 21, 2016

[coquettishly approaches train]

"Zee trick is to play 'ard to get. Make zee train want you more zan you want zee train. It is a ritual as old as time. A pas de deux between passenger and conveyance; between complacency and desperation; between outward unconcern and inward desire..."

[train doors snap closed]

"FUCK FUCKING MOTHER OF FUCK!!"
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:55 AM on June 21, 2016 [24 favorites]

one time a friend and I saw the open train while we were at the turnstiles , we got through and ran towards the train only to see the doors close in front of us but it opened again and the conductor
said to the speakers that we were too beautiful to run, at that moment we didn't realize it since we were still exhausted from the run, only afterwards that he was talking to my friend and I.
posted by metafus at 11:56 AM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

I was afraid to watch because I was sure I would be on it. And scared that it would actually comprise nothing but scenes of me, just missing trains, making sad face while putting my body back into protective "I meant to do that" posture.

Or worse, the time I ran to catch the C train and the doors were closing and I fell and my shoe flew off and I grabbed my shoe and ran with one bare foot the last couple of steps to make the train only to have the conductor announce OVER THE WHOLE TRAIN that "Miss, no running on the platforms!" while I shoved my shoe back on and looked around trying to pretend that he wasn't talking to me, whoever could he be yelling at, how embarrassing for that young lady whoever she is...
posted by Mchelly at 12:04 PM on June 21, 2016 [9 favorites]

Weren't we just recently talking about a related phenomenon wherein on certain buses and subway cars, passengers must press a button to have the doors open at stops? As soon as the bus moves it immediately converts placid anticipation to sheer panic, followed by embarrassment at being outed as a non-local.
posted by a halcyon day at 12:04 PM on June 21, 2016

Love of mine some day you will fly
But I’ll be on the Millbrae line
I will follow you onto the BART
No plush benches bright but tunnels of tile so white
Our arms and legs braced tight
Waiting for the lurch and the start

If Muni and Caltrain decide
That we cannot have a ride
Illuminate their dirty, Not in Service signs
If there’s no scary guy beside you
When the train departs
Then I will follow you onto the BART

On the L-Taraval or the J-Church crawl
I got my shins all bruised by an old lady in black
And I held my tongue as she ignored my yelp
And took up the whole bloody bench
With her countless plastic sacs

If on the 38 or 29
We cannot have a ride
Illuminate their dirty, unwelcome Not in Service signs
If no dude’s playing music through speakers beside you
When the train departs
Then I will follow you onto the BART
posted by smirkette at 12:07 PM on June 21, 2016 [34 favorites]

I would like to request a DC version of this focused on the (DESERVED) stink-eye directed toward people who eat or drink on the Metro.
posted by sallybrown at 12:07 PM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

only to have the conductor announce OVER THE WHOLE TRAIN that "Miss, no running on the platforms!"

GOD how do you not just sit there on the ground yelling YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD and waving your shoe furiously
posted by poffin boffin at 12:08 PM on June 21, 2016 [23 favorites]

I'm so glad I don't take the L anymore and instead have a bus commute. I look healthy and able-bodied but I had knee surgery 5 months ago and going down stairs still hurts, a lot. (Up is mostly fine.) So if there's an escalator, you had better believe I'm just standing on it. I'm sorry for everyone in a hurry, and I do stay as far to the right as possible, but it's not my fault you didn't leave earlier. It's not like I want to stand on the platform for 2-20 minutes for the next train either. And it's not my fault some of the L escalators are only one human wide.

So you can seethe with anger and give me all the hate eyes you want, but my only response is "fuck off."
posted by misskaz at 12:09 PM on June 21, 2016 [7 favorites]

There is a train directly behind this one.

Yeah, I hate it when they say that because it's a dirty lie and we all know it.
posted by the_blizz at 12:09 PM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

In high school I would just punch straight between the doors when they were closing. If I was fast enough, the doors would catch on my forearm and then open slightly and then I'd be able to pry them open/keep them open

If you try this on BART there's a reasonably good chance that the entire train will go out of service.

Please, please, please, O my fellow SF Bay Area public transit users: do not do this on BART.
posted by kenko at 12:11 PM on June 21, 2016 [7 favorites]

awwww I am at the other pole of my bicoastal disorder for the summer (Oakland) and this makes me homesick for NYC

who am I kidding, subways in the summer are the worst

HI HATERS

who am I kidding, BART is a comedy about a dumpster fire
posted by gusandrews at 12:12 PM on June 21, 2016 [8 favorites]

How about those fuckers just ahead of you who are running for the train also, and they make it into the train and then STOP RIGHT IN THE DOORWAY. I mow them over, and then give a sorrynotsorry "Momentum, what can ya do?" shrug.
posted by Liesl at 12:13 PM on June 21, 2016 [15 favorites]

So now I'm wishing my walk of 4 whole human steps from the kitchen into the garage to sit my ass inside a car were as edge-of-your-seat exciting as your guys' morning rituals of ride catching! Seriously, I feel like I'm missing out.

Perhaps I shall unscrew all the light bulbs in my garage and release several angry poisonous snakes. Talk about suspense! WILL I BE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL THIS MORNING OR WILL I BE GOING TO WORK?!? ZOMG SO EXCITING!
posted by bologna on wry at 12:13 PM on June 21, 2016 [8 favorites]

I had conflicted feelings when watching this video. I lived in New York for nine years, and only recently moved away. So seeing anything having to do with the subway brings me feelings of claustrophobic ennui followed by a sense of gleeful relief. But I have a subway memory that ranks at the top of experiences-shared-with-someone-who-I-didn't-know-but-who-is-also-somehow-one-of-the-best-friends-I'll-ever-have. Going home to Brooklyn from Manhattan in the wee hours of a Tuesday night, after watching a friend's band. Dead tired, knowing I'd have to get up for work in three hours. I'm walking down the stairs to the F train and one other guy is walking down an adjacent staircase at the same time. From far below, we hear the sound of a train pulling into the station, for some reason we glance up at each other and lock eyes for a second before we both start to run. Both of us full on falling as much as running down all of those stairs, we get to the turnstile and, rather than fumble for wallets and cards, we both jump turnstiles and careen down the final stairs, hearing the ding of the closing doors. I hit the platform just ahead of him and lunged towards the train, literally diving sideways as my momentum carried me through the narrowing gap. I could sense the guy just steps behind me but the door was almost shut. As I sailed through, without looking, I swung my arm around and my hand thumped solidly around the edge of the door. I gave one mighty push and the doors relented, the guy stumbled onto the train and we locked eyes again, both of us grinning from ear to ear. Then the A-Team theme blasted out of the intercom systems in our heads and we became friends forever and I never saw him again.
posted by otolith at 12:16 PM on June 21, 2016 [45 favorites]

the people who get on and stand right there by the door and block the way for everyone else

you can just punch them in the kidneys, i think it was laguardia who officially made that a law, probably around the same time he banned organized crime artichokes.

This is all hilarious and stuff, but last week I actually had to slap someone who was fucking around on the platform and was blocking me from getting on the train. It wasn't just that he was harassing me; due to where we were on the platform, what he was doing was dangerous.

I think I might have been more shaken up than he was.

He boarded the same car and made obscene gestures at me from a safe distance.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:18 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

I think I miss a train at least twice a month. When I first moved here, I was a little drama queen about it: "AW, COME ONNNNNN!" Now, I don't even shrug. Though inwardly, I still say, "AW! COME ONNNNN!
.
.
.

FUCK!"

What's funny is that the stakes are actually higher now should I miss a train, since I'm usually on my way to A Very Important Client Meeting in the City, so it looks bad if I'm late.
posted by droplet at 12:19 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Pink dress lady is a ninja.

One of the proudest middle fingers I ever flashed was to the dude who gave me guff for hurrying down the Porter's Square escalator

I lived right in Porter Square for a year or so, really just a few steps from the bottomless-pit T entrance. Even from near the top you could sort of hear approaching trains, and you better believe I hauled my ass down those escalators and stairs as fast as humanly possible when there was one coming.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:21 PM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

I would like to request a DC version of this focused on the (DESERVED) stink-eye directed toward people who eat or drink on the Metro.

Ugh, yes! I would also like to start a campaign of shame against cars full of people who don't let extremely visibly pregnant and uncomfortable people sit down; the number of times I have not been offered a seat flabbergasts me. Never once has a white man of any age offered to stand up or even really acknowledged my pregnancy; plenty of women have (very kindly!) given me their seats, as have both adult men and high school boys of color who are always super thoughtful and polite about it (nice job families!), but it's like white men don't even realize that I'm there and won't make eye contact (even when I actually sit down next to them after someone else has given me their seat). Some people very probably have invisible disabilities so I don't want to call out any individuals but you'd think that with some regularity at least a couple people on these full train cars would be able-bodied. SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 12:23 PM on June 21, 2016 [13 favorites]

So now I'm wishing my walk of 4 whole human steps from the kitchen into the garage to sit my ass inside a car were as edge-of-your-seat exciting as your guys' morning rituals of ride catching! Seriously, I feel like I'm missing out.

It's hot in the summer. A dirty, gritty, smelly, airless heat. Most of the NYC subway stations are underground. The roads above them are black tar. There is no air conditioning. No fans, either. The above ground stations are carefully positioned so the sun beats down on anyone waiting for the majority of the day. Underground stations are also filled with rats who like to cuddle (although incidents like that are admittedly rare.) That video? Not for the timid.

Assuming you make it inside the train.... These days, most subway cars are air conditioned in the summer, although they weren't always. The air conditioning vents in the newer subway cars are located in the center of car, not the ends. So if you're very warm it's best to board in the middle and stand or sit near the doors. Sometimes the heat is on, as an extra special gift to passengers. But those are the cars where you can get a seat during rush hour and watch everyone else cram themselves very tightly into the neighboring ones, so some brave souls will risk heatstroke.

Being crammed into a small, inescapable space with other people is unpleasant. People force their way onto trains, pushing people into one another, even though everyone including them knows they're not going to fit. Personal space is non-existent. People lean on and bang into each other. Sometimes they sleep on one another. They're oblivious to their fellow passengers.. They wear backpacks that smash into each other. People get into arguments. They snap at each other. Homeless people and buskers beg for change (or try to scam riders into giving them money.) Sometimes women get ogled and groped. It sucks all around.

I would kill for a great-paying job that allowed me to either work from home or drive to work in peace.
posted by zarq at 12:31 PM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

Wow, I really am missing out!
posted by bologna on wry at 12:33 PM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

And zarq didn't even get to the part about the constant smell of urine.
posted by bondcliff at 12:35 PM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

I do not miss all of this missing. Nostalgic to watch, though.
posted by Splunge at 12:36 PM on June 21, 2016

Wow, I really am missing out!

"I was pushed, I was shoved, I was groped – hell, I'm going back tomorrow!" -- David Letterman
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:41 PM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

and OF COURSE it's the G train
posted by panama joe at 12:42 PM on June 21, 2016

I've had my share of experiences, but a big fuck you goes out to the conductor who closed the doors while I was stepping in. They closed right on my shoulders. That shit hurts. And it's not like the doors were going to close while I was stepping through.

Seriously, fuck that guy.
posted by Hactar at 12:45 PM on June 21, 2016

Also, someone should do one of these for when it's late at night and you're waiting for some infrequent Brooklyn-bound train like the F or the G and you hear that hopeful little "click" from the tracks that tells you a train is coming, but D'OH! it's not a passenger train at all but one of those flatbed garbage-hauling trains.

Also, when it's late at night and you're waiting for some infrequent Brooklyn-bound train like the F or the G and you get down to the platform and see like one person waiting and you KNOW it's gonna be awhile until the next train cause beclearly one came by not too long ago and all the people got on.

Also, when you notice it's taking a REAL long time to get to the next stop and you realize all at once that something's gone horribly wrong, that you're under a river, and that in your post-work daze you forgot the M train also stops there and now you are making an entirely unintentional trip to South Williamsburg.

But most of all ... when you're on your way to something important and time-sensitive like a job interview, and you rush to get on the train, but in hurrying to get on the train, you get on the wrong one and you KNOW, you KNOW it will make you late, but you don't know how late. Leading to the once piece of advice I always give but sometimes forget to take : The Train That You Rush To Get On Will Often Be The Wrong One.

So slow down. There really is another train right behind this one. Even if that is a bit of a tautology.
posted by panama joe at 12:53 PM on June 21, 2016 [10 favorites]

There is a train directly behind this one.

Yeah, I hate it when they say that because it's a dirty lie and we all know it.
posted by the_blizz at 3:09 PM on June 21 [+] [!]

Actually I don't get on crowded trains anymore even at rush hour unless I'm definitely late For An Important Client Meeting. Crowded trains stay crowded and because it's a tautology there is always another train behind this one. but yeah people who stand in the doors especially at big transfer stations are monsters. IT TAKES TWO SECONDS TO SWING OUT. I DO IT ALL THE TIME. IF YOU SWING OUT THEN I DONT HAVE TO BUMP INTO YOU AND GET A DIRTY LOOK FROM YOU. YOU MADE ME BUMP INTO YOU BY BEING IN THE EXIT I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE I COULD HAVE DONE HERE.
posted by edbles at 1:00 PM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

Mrs. Pterodactyl, for your viewing pleasure. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjeIx1gUl6k
posted by Liesl at 1:05 PM on June 21, 2016

In Paris we have an automated metro line, la une (1). I take it pretty often from La Défense, which is where it starts for going to Paris. One day there were contrôleurs (ticket inspectors) at an end door. I was walking towards the metro, about four yards/metres away, when the "DOOOOT" sounded and I bolted for the door, because that close, you definitely have enough time to bolt in. One of the contrôleurs body-blocked the door. Now. Keep in mind that I had started from just four yards away. The dude (I'm a woman) had one of those icky horrible smirks on his face. I stared at him and stopped just short, which clearly surprised and disappointed him. Still staring at him, at that uncomfortable distance where you're not touching but can feel body warmth, I didn't move or blink. He finally wilted and looked askance. Only then did I stride to a different door for the next metro. Guess I won that game of chicken.

Conductor-driven trains are pretty cool here really. If you're at a short distance and the DOOOOOT hasn't yet sounded, bolting for it will generally let you in. This morning a conductor was very kind and let me run in from a longer distance away even though I was a lone outlier. I always wave in thanks.

On preview - OMG door standers ugh! I have been known to "accidentally" push offenders, like "oh oops I just assumed you were going to be polite, shame you weren't, that means you get shoved", while saying "let people off! let people off!" (the French for this is "laissez descendre !" and it works as a rallying cry)
posted by fraula at 1:06 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET IN IF YOU WON'T LET ME OUT AAAAAAA

I've been commuting too long.
posted by Space Kitty at 1:10 PM on June 21, 2016 [8 favorites]

I'll do something like this: How many steps did I miss the train by? Even numbers are lucky. So, Yay! I missed by two steps. See also, God has a reason for everything.
posted by StickyCarpet at 1:11 PM on June 21, 2016

The first day of my new job in San Francisco, the Muni bus closed directly on my hand as I was exiting, and slapped the coffee cup right out of my hand into the street.

My favorite BART experiences are where the conductor tells you WHY the delay is happening, and sometimes they give more detail than is required. On two occasions they let us know that someone lost control of a Segway and the police had to get it off the tracks, and once the guy narrated the whole thing when someone dropped a box of live frogs: "...sooooo, looks like the police have arrived....they're gathering the frogs now....a few are still hopping around, we're very sorry for the delay and as a result this train is going out of service at 24th/Mission....now it looks like they've retrieved all the frogs...OK, please stand clear of the car doors, this train will go out of service at 24th/Mission and will not continue to the airport, please stay on this platform and wait for the next airport train."
posted by blnkfrnk at 1:13 PM on June 21, 2016 [23 favorites]

They closed right on my shoulders. That shit hurts.

I wish we had those doors. At the first 5 stops or so from my office there are people who stand in the doorway and lean out yelling at somebody on the platform and holding up the train. The doors are Minnesota Nice so they refuse to crush these people like they should. The only thing that happens is the conductor or the recorded voice saying "Please do not hold the doors open."

This wouldn't be that big of a deal but it makes me into one of the people from this video except I'm running to catch my bus that pulls away just as I catch up and then I stand there waiting for 20 minutes. I'm sure the extra 15 seconds at each platform waiting for the door holders doesn't make the difference but my rage needs a target.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 1:16 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Missing a train happens. It's a bummer, but I live in elevated territory and can pull out my phone or read the paper until the next M comes. I've been taking the subway more than half my life; I can deal with

The thing that drives me nuts is when I'm trying to transfer from the M to the J at Myrtle-Broadway, and the J closes its doors and starts to pull away just as the M is coming to a stop. That is the point at which I transform from chill NY-raised dude to FULL-ON FOAMING RABID MONSTER COURSING WITH RAGE.

(This is why I ride a bike to work most of the time nowadays.)
posted by thecaddy at 1:26 PM on June 21, 2016

My favorite BART experiences are where the conductor tells you WHY the delay is happening, and sometimes they give more detail than is required. On two occasions they let us know that someone lost control of a Segway and the police had to get it off the tracks, and once the guy narrated the whole thing when someone dropped a box of live frogs: "...sooooo, looks like the police have arrived....they're gathering the frogs now...

My personal best train-delayed-by-crazy story: I'm in college, and a bunch of us have been out to visit a classmate in Hoboken. We head for the PATH train at midnight. But the expected 12:15 am train doesn't show. We get increasingly worried as it continues to not show, for the next 45 minutes, and then it finally pulls into the station at 1 am.

And that is when one of the conductors finally informs us that the delay was because someone had gone streaking in the PATH tunnel and it took a team of PATH workers 45 minutes to catch them.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:33 PM on June 21, 2016 [7 favorites]

Going to the trouble of deliberately streaking in a dark deserted tunnel seems like a supremely pointless act.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:42 PM on June 21, 2016 [5 favorites]

If you're streaking, it's not for anyone else, geez, it's for yourself or you're doing it wrong
posted by blnkfrnk at 1:44 PM on June 21, 2016

To streak is "to make a sudden dash in public while naked". If nobody can see you it's not streaking, it's just being naked somewhere other than your own house.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:53 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

once the guy narrated the whole thing when someone dropped a box of live frogs

Paging Relevant MeFite. Relevant MeFite to the blue courtesy thread, please.
posted by The Bellman at 1:53 PM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

I don't have a train story but I did have my regular early morning Calgary bus driver wait for me at my stop one -20 morning when I running a couple minutes late. Rounding the block and seeing a bus waiting for me at an unscheduled stop pretty well made my week.

And if you are riding a Victoria bus mostly or all alone late on a rainy night the driver will sometimes go a block or two off his route to drop you right in front of your door.
posted by Mitheral at 1:54 PM on June 21, 2016 [4 favorites]

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT*
*except for when it delays a train
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:54 PM on June 21, 2016

Going to the trouble of deliberately streaking in a dark deserted tunnel seems like a supremely pointless act.

Not deserted.

There are thousands and thousands of rats in there. And roaches.
posted by zarq at 1:55 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

And CHUDS.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:59 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Also.
posted by zarq at 2:05 PM on June 21, 2016

sexy, sexy chuds
posted by beerperson at 2:05 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

There are thousands and thousands of rats in there. And roaches.

...who are all probably thinking, "Ooh, with this one I don't even need to peel off the wrapping to nibble on the tasty flesh inside!"
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:10 PM on June 21, 2016 [4 favorites]

I was really proud of the fact that I subwayed correctly while I was in NY a few weeks back. Having a phone with google maps made my life much easier because I could confirm where I wanted to go surreptitiously, I'm a well-seasoned jaywalker, and now I'm old and jaded enough that I have a well-callibrated fuck off face, nobody tried to sell me tourist things. I even directed someone to Yankee Stadium properly! I was very proud of myself.
posted by ChuraChura at 2:20 PM on June 21, 2016 [5 favorites]

I feel so overwhelmed by all the various lines and timings.

Fizz, I felt the same way until I moved to a city with public transportation. Having a look at some of the people who manage to use the bus/rail system there quickly demonstrated to me that any idjit can figure it out.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:22 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

> yeah, same. i would probably refuse to get on the train because now it's definitely a death train going to murderland and i'm not falling for that crap.

Here you go.
posted by languagehat at 2:23 PM on June 21, 2016

I am not an innocent in the ways of the world, I have ridden trains in uncounted cities on four continents, and still I am shocked that the NYC train drivers will close the door on people who have clearly been in line since before the train pulled up. Your city is terrifying, New Yorkers.
posted by gingerest at 2:24 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

I suggest using your foot to catch closing doors.

Except this one time, I was waiting for the Orange line, and the train pulled up, and I look at the door in front of me and I realize there is a leg sticking out between the rubber parts of the closed door, like, the entire part of a leg from the knee down, with the foot pointing downwards, and I'm standing there with my brain going do I start screaming for help for this person or just plain start screaming and the doors open up, and this small asian gentleman sort of hops backward, and straightens out his leg, and then hobbles off down the platform, all while I'm still revving up to hyperventilate about the fact some guy just traveled a full stop with his leg sticking out in the tunnel and no one even rang the bell to stop the damn train or something.

So anyway, if you think the T doors are going to open back up just because you have a limb stuck in there, GUESS AGAIN.
posted by instead of three wishes at 2:27 PM on June 21, 2016 [16 favorites]

I've had my share of experiences, but a big fuck you goes out to the conductor who closed the doors while I was stepping in. They closed right on my shoulders. That shit hurts.

Yeah, for anyone reading this unfamiliar with the NY subway system in particular, watch the arm strength on red jacket dude (who I hate). That door hits you in the head, it doesn't bounce back like an elevator door. If you're lucky it stops and you can try to haul it back open. Most times it just keeps going and clocks you.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who just stood there the first time an elevator door slammed me in the head, assuming it would bounce open, only to get clonked again. I mean, in baseball if they bean you they at least let you walk to first. Not the MTA.
posted by Mchelly at 2:27 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

The subway doors broke my toe about a month ago. I was on a train and then tried to get off of it in order to catch the train arriving across the platform. CRONCH. Owie wowie. Not a fun walk home after that.

It was an unusual move for me - I never run for the damn train nor do I usually try to pull these types of maneuvers. And I paid, dearly. I'm only back in closed toe shoes now a month later. I am pleased to see the many wise people in this video who realize that fighting the doors is no mas.
posted by rdnnyc at 2:28 PM on June 21, 2016

Your city is terrifying, New Yorkers.

Yeah, but we have the best pizza. :)
posted by zarq at 2:28 PM on June 21, 2016

The Winnipeg version of this is you resolve not to chase the bus, but then it seems like they're pulling slowly away from the curb as though the driver sees you but understandably can't tell whether or not you're actually wanting to get on the bus, so you break into a little trot, and then the bus driver thinks "Oh I guess he is wanting to get on!" and so he punches the gas because fuck you pal Winnipeg bus drivers are worse than Stalin and you're left waiting at the bus stop with some guy who commiserates and despite him looking sketchy he's polite so you agree with him and then he says something about how they would have stopped if you were Native because those people get everything handed to them and... yeah, guess I'll walk, at least to the next stop.

I miss Winnipeg. Except for the racism but they got that here, too.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:34 PM on June 21, 2016 [15 favorites]

11pm on a godless sunday
i arrive panting at the subway
to see the last train
disappear around the bend

a solitary tear runs down
the stalactite of my chin

i have wasted my life
posted by prufrock at 3:05 PM on June 21, 2016 [6 favorites]

Crowded trains stay crowded

WRONG, everyone gets off the 3 at 96th street and the rest of my way home is FREE OF SHOVEY SWEATY SMELLY PEOPLE
posted by poffin boffin at 3:17 PM on June 21, 2016

I'm pretty sure I'm the one who kicks the doors. I have litterally knocked on a bus door and had the driver pull away.

In chicago missing the EL is 15 minutes of icy windy hell. And your tears freeze because fuck you.
posted by AlexiaSky at 3:27 PM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

I've tried it only once and IT WORKED was yelling authoratatively to have people movr away the doors to the middle of the train. Never have I felt so powerful.

To scared to try again.
posted by AlexiaSky at 3:29 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

I even directed someone to Yankee Stadium properly!

Wait, did you tell them they were a bandwagon fan and should be rooting for literally anyone else or did you just direct them to Canarsie?

Either's good
posted by thecaddy at 3:40 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Meanwhile, during DC's #metropocalypse
posted by drlith at 4:40 PM on June 21, 2016

To scared to try again.

Try "HEY, GUYS, THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAR--EITHER MOVE OVER THERE OR GET OUT OF MY WAY" then just start barrelling through, no fucks given.

Of course, I also publicly scold the twats who blast music without headphones.
posted by phunniemee at 4:42 PM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

So I used to stand in the doorway, pressed up right against the glass partition between seat and doorway, every day on my way home from work. Why did I do it? Because my stop was two after the busiest goddamned stations on the line, there's never any room to walk out, and if I move into the car I'm basically not getting off the train without shoving the fuck out of half the subway car or just resigning myself to waiting another half hour before the train empties out enough for me to get out, then travel back in the reverse direction to get to the station I ACTUALLY wanted to get off at.

On a totally unrelated note, all you people marvelling about your amazing experiences in Toronto must have visited a different city from mine, because Toronto transit is uniformly shit now. Ask me about the time last week when two streetcar lines interlined on the same busy street, and six streetcars of the wrong line passed me before the right streetcar showed up with plenty of space AND THEN PASSED ME ON THE STREET LIKE I WASN'T TRYING TO GET ON THE FUCKING THING and then six more wrong streetcars later I finally got on, wanting to burn the entire TTC to the ground because what the FUCK. You people with great Toronto experiences must be on drugs. I will defend public transit until the day I die but it is so goddamned awful here.
posted by chrominance at 4:59 PM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

You people with great Toronto experiences must be on drugs.

yeah I got a new street drug called

SHORT

TURN

and it is fucking amazing.
posted by GuyZero at 5:20 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Dude in the red coat you are what is wrong with the world.

I'd avoid the DC Metro then.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 5:24 PM on June 21, 2016

WRONG, everyone gets off the 3 at 96th street and the rest of my way home is FREE OF SHOVEY SWEATY SMELLY PEOPLE

You're nuts:

(a) seating is available on the 2/3 after 42nd St, but
(b) the smelly people never actually get off the train.
posted by praemunire at 5:37 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

People who are bandwagon fans of the Yankees have probably moved on with their lives by now. Alas.
posted by ChuraChura at 5:37 PM on June 21, 2016

Did you hear about the guy in Feb who was dragged to his death after getting caught in the door of a subway car. NY Post
posted by xtian at 5:38 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

I have litterally knocked on a bus door and had the driver pull away.

Apparently it's policy to not open the doors once the driver begins preparing to pull away. Y'know, for safety, and to discourage people from running up to buses halfway or fully in the lane, etc. So drivers can be fairly strict about this. Unless they're picking up their friends, in which case they're happy to stop in the middle of a road or halfway during a turn. I've seen some drivers derive enjoyment from following the rules to the letter.
posted by spreadsheetzu at 5:47 PM on June 21, 2016

meanwhile in Hong Kong
posted by mdonley at 5:51 PM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

Nothing compared to this Swede in Göteborg.

Laughing so hard, I. am. crying. Can anyone translate what he's yelling?
posted by longdaysjourney at 6:18 PM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

Is it Stockholm Syndrome that this video makes me miss the subway :( :( :(
posted by en forme de poire at 6:29 PM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

One time I had to run to a train from the stairs at the end of the platform. The doors closed just as I ran past the front car where the conductor was leaning out. She frowned and said "sorry." I said "that's OK," and then I waited for the next train.
posted by teponaztli at 6:42 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

I have had like years-long beefs with bus operators over DID YOU NOT FUCKING SEE MY ASS RUNNING THROUGH TRAFFIC TO GET ON THIS BUS???

The best though is when traffic is so bad that I can just book it a block or two and get on at the next stop, smugly. How ya like me now, huh? Huh?!

My main daily rage point is college students, however. Fuck your backpacks and lack of spatial awareness.
posted by soren_lorensen at 6:49 PM on June 21, 2016

Living in Seattle—with our one* light rail line that goes a few places and not near my neighborhood so I only ride it a few times a month—I am now thrilled that my only negative train experience is having the "Proof of payment is required prior to boarding Link Light Rail, tickets may be purchased at the ticket vending machines on the upper level"** recording permanently ingrained in my head. That they play the automated recordings incessantly, even (until recently) in the Convention Place tunnel station that has no trains, probably contributes to my audio dementia.

* Yes, Tacoma has a "Link Light Rail" that's a grand streetcar.
** "Please stand back and allow other passengers to exit the train before boarding. Thank you for riding Sound Transit's Link Light Rail."
posted by fireoyster at 6:57 PM on June 21, 2016

That Louie segment -- you're right that it's very nearly a public service, and it's really interesting, because like -

So first, it's got a PSA-like quality to it, like, "What to do when you get separated on the subway." But then it's like, "No, seriously. Have you ever thought about this? Really imagined it?" And it takes you through the steps of TOTALLY FREAKING OUT and also solving the problem. Like, this is a scary thing, but it's not the end of the world. And I feel like someone who's gone through that thought process is now better equipped to handle that situation when it really happens.

And the really interesting part is that, usually these PSA stories have an aspirational positive example, like Gallant vs Goofus, and Louie completely fails to be Gallant, especially when he's yelling at his kid at the end. It's scary. It's understandable, but it's also arguably way too harsh, and that's part of the PSA narrative too: "You will be freaked out. You will be tempted to yell at your kid and make a scene in public. Think about whether you really want to do that." And the camera privileges the kid's "dream" viewpoint just as much as it privileges Louie's narrative. It shows quite a lot of sensitivity, actually. I haven't seen a lot of "Louie" but I like how he sets himself up as the person who's wrong in a lot of scenarios.

-- anyway the same thing happened to me when I was eleven and in ROME. I'm from New Jersey. I don't speak Italian. Subway Rules saved a life right there, for real.
posted by Rainbo Vagrant at 7:18 PM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

The subway is great. It's packed cause it's great. New York is great cause it has the subway. Also if you accidentally took the M to Brooklyn, you'd be on a bridge. But mostly the subway is awesome and engenders awesome culture and I left NYC and then came back because I missed the subway.
posted by dame at 7:27 PM on June 21, 2016 [7 favorites]

i know the woman at the :18 mark!

that is all.
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 7:32 PM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

I haven't seen a lot of "Louie" but I like how he sets himself up as the person who's wrong in a lot of scenarios.

Yeah that's pretty much every episode. It's a great show, I've watched every season. There's a particular episode titled "Country Drive" in season 2 that I consider one of the best 22 minutes of scripted television ever. It's perfection. /derail /no pun intended
posted by bologna on wry at 7:39 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Back on subject, though, I really am enjoying this thread. I've never in my life ridden a transit bus or a subway. Ever. Unless you count the monorail at Disney.

It's like you people live on the moon. Which is probably way more fun than under this rock.
posted by bologna on wry at 7:43 PM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

You people with great Toronto experiences must be on drugs.

When I lived in Toronto I had perfect TTC karma once or a period of three months or so. Every time I walked into a subway for about twelve weeks, my train was pulling up just as I reached the platform. It was uncanny. I suppose I did something right in a previous life.

Then one day I paused to buy a newspaper at King station and I lost my groove. Eventually I just moved to Halifax. The end.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:52 PM on June 21, 2016 [8 favorites]

I've never in my life ridden a transit bus or a subway. Ever. Unless you count the monorail at Disney

You don't know hell until you try to navigate Penn Station on the day before Thanksgiving in order to get to a LIRR train that is delayed and overcrowded with suitcase carrying amateur riders.
posted by AugustWest at 7:53 PM on June 21, 2016 [4 favorites]

I always have severe anxiety when I'm required to ride a subway of some kind. I feel so overwhelmed by all the various lines and timings. I realize it's not exactly the most difficult thing in the world to figure out, but my poor brain always feels frightened by the myriad of choices offered. I'm always afraid I'll end up on the wrong line heading someplace far away from my destination. I always make sure I'm with some kind of veteran/pro city-dweller who can help navigate for me.

For what it's worth, I grew up in NYC, and I have a pretty much encyclopedic knowledge of the subway system. I can tell you how to get to and from any point in any of Manhattan and Brooklyn, and most of Queens and the Bronx. But I can totally relate with all of that anxiety because it's exactly how I feel about driving. Like, they just fucking let you steer around this crazy fast two-ton death machine? Fuck!
posted by Itaxpica at 7:55 PM on June 21, 2016 [14 favorites]

Door blockers are the SCOURGE OF CIVILIZATION. No, they really are. I stink-eye them so hard they'd burst into flames if they weren't too defiantly self-absorbed to notice (because if they weren't, they WOULDN'T BLOCK THE DAMN DOOR IN THE FIRST PLACE). I like to make a point of pushing into them like they aren't even there when I exit the subway, not directly, because I don't have a death wish, just all incidental-like but maybe I stamp good and hard on their foot or something on my way, oopsie. I hate them even more than those poor sad fools who clearly don't know about walk left, stand right on escalators, and the assclowns who get off an escalator and stop dead right at the top or bottom to get their bearings or whatever it is they're doing. These are the people who make running for the train a source of fury rather than a fun test of skill, because they are ALWAYS in the damn way and they are wantonly impeding the proper flow of rush-hour pedestrian transit traffic.
posted by Go Banana at 8:06 PM on June 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

I've seen some drivers derive enjoyment from following the rules to the letter.

I admit that, in my past life as a bus driver (no, seriously, I used to drive buses in college) I took no small level of enjoyment in shutting the doors on a frat boy trying to get on the bus to go, like, less than half a mile from the chapel stop to fraternity row two stops away.

I was pretty generous to everyone else though. Even occasionally let people ride ahead of the white line if the bus was packed and it was raining.
posted by thecaddy at 8:51 PM on June 21, 2016

I've tried it only once and IT WORKED was yelling authoratatively to have people movr away the doors to the middle of the train. Never have I felt so powerful.

I try that nearly daily on BART (because I swear to god I'm the only one who ever LOOKS AROUND THE TRAIN or gives a shit about my fellow man) and it works very, very rarely.
posted by kenko at 8:58 PM on June 21, 2016

That Swede in Gothenburg, he says "hell" and "devils". Strong words in Sweden. He later got an interview in the local news. Quite a mellow fellow, really.
posted by Namlit at 8:59 PM on June 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

seeing the annoyed faces waiting at the stations as we fly by...

'Annoyed' is not the face I was waiting for the shinkansen, first in line! (Also, unnoticed by me, the only one who didn't know the next one was one that was going to skip the station). Here it comes, that thing just LOOKS fast, even when it's... hm, doesn't seem to be... BOOM! ROAR! I don't think they brake at all for the stations they skip.
posted by ctmf at 9:44 PM on June 21, 2016

The Train That You Rush To Get On Will Often Be The Wrong One

This is even more true when it is New Jersey Transit and it is the last train to leave the station and the conductor yells at you and you end up needing to take a cab from Newark Broad Street back to Manhattan and call a friend at 1:30 am to ask if you can stay with them, or something, I've never done this, you shut up.
posted by en forme de poire at 10:02 PM on June 21, 2016

That Swede in Gothenburg

I laughed as much at the woman in the foreground glancing back at the screaming madman as if muttering to herself, "Good heavens, what on earth??" as I did at the bellowing man himself.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:47 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

One of the scariest moments of my life:

In Paris, on vacation with my husband, sister in law, mother in law, and one year old daughter. I was pushing my daughter in her stroller. It was my first time on non-bus public transit. We were trying to all get on the metro, but the platform wasn't level with the train. Everyone else had gotten on. The doors closed on the stroller, opened a few inches, closed on the stroller again. I was trying to lift the stroller up to my husband, shove the doors open, and climb up. It took probably 20 seconds, but it felt like minutes of terror, worrying that I might be crushed or separated from my family and/or my baby in a strange city with no way to contact them. I flash back to that moment every time I almost miss or almost make a train.
posted by Night_owl at 10:59 PM on June 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was 18, overseas for the first time, living in London with no friends. I'd found a little group of other travellers online (this is years ago now, so even that was an accomplishment) and I'd suggested we meet up for a casual game of soccer. I set the time, bought a ball, and on the day set off to the tube to go there. I had the ball in a plastic bag and as I walked onto the platform the alarm for the doors closing began to sound. I ran forward, as I'd done before, hoping to catch the edge of the door and give myself a second to get in.

When I was almost at the train, with the doors halfway closed, I swung my arm forward to catch the door - but it was the arm holding the bag, and the ball swung like a pendulum perfectly through the closing door, which promptly shut on the bag between my hand and the ball. The crowd of people on the train politely observed me in my hopelessness as the train began to move away, my ball and its bag still stuck halfway up the door.

I went home, deleted my account from that forum, and that was that.
posted by twirlypen at 12:14 AM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

This is also the stuff of nightmares when you're riding the subway with a little kid,

I grew up in NY as a little kid, it is the stuff of nightmares when you *are* the kid. :-)
posted by smidgen at 12:17 AM on June 22, 2016

I know a woman who had very long hair who ran to get into the Underground and then the door closed on her braid as it swung backwards from the momentum. She was basically stuck with her head against the door between stops as the braid caught on every piece of piping and whatnot that lives in Underground tunnels. She said she ended up having to get it cut because it was so gross and impregnated with tar and gunk and dirt from having rubbed against the tube wall.
posted by ChuraChura at 4:18 AM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

There is a train directly behind this one

Survivors of the MBTA winter of '15 know what it's like for the opposite of this to be true...

It snowed pretty much continuously in February 2015 in Boston. Nevermind that this meant navigating streets with snow piled well above/over parked cars just to get to the station. Once you got there, it was mayhem. I lived 2 stops from downtown (about 1.5 miles) and it was taking people 2-3 hours to get into work.

This was the protip: take the outbound trains. But eventually others caught on. So I'd be cramming onto a train that was on its 2nd stop going out of Boston just to make sure I got on at all. People at the terminus (many of whom were commuters who after driving 1-2 hours were trying to park-n-ride in) would be greeted by an arriving train (at what is now the first stop inbound) that was totally full and no one was getting off.

There was much rage
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 5:48 AM on June 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

You don't know hell until you try to navigate Penn Station on the day before Thanksgiving in order to get to a LIRR train that is delayed and overcrowded with suitcase carrying amateur riders.

Also, large, unwieldy trays of food. One tray of stuffing smells great. Many trays of stuffing and of a hundred other foods with competing smells, not so much.

The amateur riders are more likely to shout into their cell phones, too. Bonus points if they're doing it in a language other than English.

It's also hell when the Mets are playing. On the Port Washington line. On the way to the stadium during rush hour, the train is crowded with people who have already started drinking. Many of whom haven't been on LIRR before and have no idea what they're doing. The only saving grace is that they get off 17 minutes in at the Willets Point stop.

If the train stops at Willets after the game when thousands of people are on the way home, you get folks in various states of inebriation, or families with their kids, who step through the doors onto the train and yell, "DO YOU KNOW.... IS THIS TRAIN GOING TO ______" because even though the conductor announces if the train is Eastbound or Westbound, they don't know in which direction they should be heading. ("I GOTTA GO TO GREAT NECK. IS THAT EAST OR WEST?") If the Mets have won, the crowds will be singing. If they lost, cursing.

I always waited for the next train at Penn on holiday eves, so I could be one of the first people waiting. Either I grabbed a prime spot on the platform right where the doors would open, or would stand near the usual stairway in order to race down quickly. (Sometimes this doesn't work on holidays, because the train schedules are altered.) Then, I'd race in when the doors open, to take that one single seat in the middle of the car where no one could cram themselves in next to me. The only problem was getting off the train, because people would literally be standing in the aisles and they all would have to move to let us off.
posted by zarq at 6:25 AM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET IN IF YOU WON'T LET ME OUT AAAAAAA

I was on the TTC a few weeks ago, and the train was out for signal repairs like it's out every weekend. There was a shuttle bus running. There was plenty of organization, but simply too few buses for too many people. It was a hot, angry mess.

Anyway, I needed to get out at Dufferin, which was halfway between the two end points of the subway closure. And more people kept piling on, and I kept getting pushed deeper into the bus. I tried to make my way closer to the back door, but it wasn't happening. Finally, the bus stops at Dufferin, and people come onto the bus, before anyone else has a chance to get off. I fight my way to the door with a fair bit of elbowing, I admit, and the stress of it all is reaching its boiling point. Finally, I reach the door, and I am mid-stride stepping off of the bus, when a voice yells "STOP!" Well, I can't stop, gravity being what it is, and I feel a tug at my coat. Something white flies in front of me and lands on the ground. Someone's ear bud wire got caught on a button of my coat and in the process of my stepping off, the ear bud ripped right off.

At this point, I am so mad at this awful transit experience, I simply pick up the ear bud, and give it to the woman whose ear it was ripped out of. And I. Did not. Say. Sorry. That's how mad I was. I am Canadian, and I did not say sorry.

Am I sorry now? NO. Fuck, lady, you want to stay close to the door blocking it for everyone, and wear your ear bud wire on the outside of your coat instead of inside the zipper? YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU GOT. YOU DESERVE WHAT YOUR DOLLARAMA EAR BUDS GOT.

GRR.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:40 AM on June 22, 2016 [14 favorites]

And I. Did not. Say. Sorry. That's how mad I was. I am Canadian, and I did not say sorry.

My usual tactic for dealing with oblivious passengers blocking the door I am running for is being a former midfielder in lacrosse, being well over six feet and two hundred pounds, and relying on force equalling mass times velocity. But even then I say "Sorry." I am not a barbarian, man.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:09 AM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Every day I wonder if I should tap someone on the shoulder and tell them about the stand-right-walk-left rule
posted by Rainbo Vagrant at 8:12 AM on June 22, 2016

I always WANT to do that but I am really super opposed to touching strangers, especially if I am coming up behind them, because when someone does it to me I go from 0 to homicide in about 1.3 seconds. Mostly I prefer to cheerfully announce EXCUUUSE MEEEE and then just barrel past them like an excited baby elephant.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:08 AM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

It helps if you've got enough room to get a little fast'n'stompy on your approach to the left-siding ignoramus. A slight seismic disturbance is the perfect shortcut to their self-preservation reflex.
posted by whuppy at 11:55 AM on June 22, 2016

One time, I was going down the left side of an escalator, and came to a stop about 2/3 of the way down because someone broke protocol. The guy behind me didn't see that I was blocked and so thought I was the one who broke protocol, and started aggressively grumbling about how I'm stupid and so on. I would have continued to ignore him, but then he challenged me by correctly pointing out that I was pretending to not hear him.

When I pointed out that it wasn't my fault, he instantly became apologetic. I think. So there's that.
posted by spreadsheetzu at 12:04 PM on June 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Back when I was regularly taking Toronto streetcars, I learned the hard way not to take a streetcar that wasn't full. If it wasn't full, it was going to be short turned.

Every now and again, I would forget this lesson. An eastbound King car would come by, nearly empty. Look at all the seats, I would think. Then I'd get on, and it would be short turned at Church. Argh.

I take the subway now, and it is insanely crowded at rush hour, but even then it's 10000 times better than driving. When on transit, the worst-case scenario is a horrible inconveniencing delay. When driving, the worst-case scenario is injury or death.

(By the way, people who think Canadians are always polite haven't watched any hockey games. We say "sorry" all the time because the alternative is to drop the gloves and fight. :-))
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 12:41 PM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Back when I was regularly taking the NYC subway, I learned the hard way not to take a car that was noticeably empty. That always meant there was a person so smelly they had driven everyone else out.
posted by languagehat at 2:35 PM on June 22, 2016 [7 favorites]

Sometimes (in the summer) it just means that there's no AC in that car, which if you're chilled from your FREEZING OFFICE WHYYY can be a blessing.
posted by (Over) Thinking at 3:57 PM on June 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Or there's someone shouting slurs and getting fighty and everyone's decided not to deal with it! There are many reasons for an empty car, none of them good.

Although once I was on the inter-town bus from Eureka to Arcata in the middle of the day, and I was the only passenger for the long haul along the slough. The driver got on the intercom and said "We're definitely making money on THIS run! WOOOOOO!"
posted by blnkfrnk at 8:03 PM on June 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

N.b. before this video there was an ad from CNN re: the RNC and it started with the face of Donald Trump shrouded in shadows so there's that.

So uh wow those NYC doors are like the jaws of death. In Chicago, the doors on the El* open back up if you so much as look at them weird.

It's super annoying when there is a tourist who is obliviously blocking the door with their oversized backpack leading to the train doors opening and closing like a damn slinky

Anyway, my spirit animal / NYC doppleganger is the half-heartedly jogging, floppy-armed fellow at 1:50.

phunniemee, I thought you were actually the woman at 2:12...

*I don't care what the CTA says, I'm not calling it the 'L'.
posted by tivalasvegas at 10:07 AM on July 20, 2016

a home subway station

hang on... Pfardentrott... IN WHAT GLORIOUS UTOPIA IS YOUR DOMICILE
posted by tivalasvegas at 10:11 AM on July 20, 2016

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