what rough beast, its hour come round at last

June 23, 2016 9:58 AM

Burger King's new Mac n' Cheetos are so beautiful I want to cry
posted by poffin boffin (187 comments total)

They mention the Sour Patch Kids Slurpees which were a gift to us from a civilization greater than our own and now the flavor isn't at my local 7/11 anymore and help me
posted by griphus at 10:01 AM on June 23, 2016 [13 favorites]

They're orange and they get lots of earned media.

Sounds familiar.
posted by gurple at 10:01 AM on June 23, 2016 [80 favorites]

God, i'm not looking forward to all the stupid "idiocracy is real!" jokes/completely serious comments that think they're clever on the entire internet.
posted by emptythought at 10:03 AM on June 23, 2016 [5 favorites]

what if you boiled sour patch kids into a delightful slurry and then froze that slurry in ice cube trays and then threw them in the blender?

now that i type it all out it seems like an awful lot of work.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:03 AM on June 23, 2016 [10 favorites]

This is just a bit too close for comfort to something we just had at a pretty nice restaurant recently - mac & cheese, shishito peppers, and crumbled Cheez-It®s. If Burger King comes out with a jalapeno version of this (and they certainly would) it'd be even closer.
posted by zsazsa at 10:03 AM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

I can't wait to hate myself intensely for eating these.
posted by Pope Guilty at 10:05 AM on June 23, 2016 [63 favorites]

The article was worth it just to add 'racoon-trash food combinations' to my lexicon.
posted by Mooski at 10:07 AM on June 23, 2016 [56 favorites]

And thus the Seventh Seal was unlocked, and the End Times were unleashed upon every corner of the Earth, to purify her in ashes and flame.
posted by briank at 10:08 AM on June 23, 2016 [11 favorites]

Saw this on Facebook. Surprised to see it wasn't an Onion posting.
posted by tommasz at 10:11 AM on June 23, 2016 [5 favorites]

I can't hear the snark over the sound of the sheer glory of these delights
posted by beerperson at 10:13 AM on June 23, 2016

Saw this on Facebook. Surprised to see it wasn't an Onion posting.

The world lapped the Onion a year and a week ago.
posted by Etrigan at 10:17 AM on June 23, 2016 [8 favorites]

So here's a weird thing. I cannot eat any air puffed food other than popcorn. Cheetos, Pirates Booty, Funyuns, they all make me gag - I mean they physiologically cause my gag reflex to engage. I have no idea what it's about but there it is.

Perhaps this should have been an askme...
posted by Sophie1 at 10:17 AM on June 23, 2016 [7 favorites]

I was prepared to be disgusted. And then I opened up the article and actually made an "Ermaghad" sound at my desk, indicating my delight that a giant neon Cheeto looking thing is filled with Mac 'n' frigging cheese.

Anyone that says they wouldn't want to eat that RIGHT NOW is a bare face liar - a LIAR I say.

Yours sincerely,

A Crazy Cheese Lover
posted by JenThePro at 10:17 AM on June 23, 2016 [12 favorites]

i want to recline luxuriously atop a pillowy heap of them and chomp my way to heart failure
posted by poffin boffin at 10:18 AM on June 23, 2016 [8 favorites]

I have never wanted to be back in Los Angeles more than at this present moment.
posted by brecc at 10:19 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

This reminds me of Cheesie's


Oh yeah, I'm gonna have a Cheesie's mac and cheese grilled cheese with a serving of these and if I die it's the way I should go.

And while we're at it, I'm tired of people comparing Donald Trump to a Cheetos because Trump is the worst thing about America and orange and Cheetos are the best and orange. And in conclusion may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:20 AM on June 23, 2016 [33 favorites]

The world lapped the Onion a year and a week ago.

They still have their moments, but yeah.
posted by tommasz at 10:21 AM on June 23, 2016

Oh yeah, I'm gonna have a Cheesie's mac and cheese grilled cheese with a serving of these and if I die it's the way I should go.

Speaking of...
posted by telegraph at 10:23 AM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

So some sort of macaroni parasite laid eggs inside a Cheeto?
posted by blue_beetle at 10:26 AM on June 23, 2016 [40 favorites]

munching towards Bethlehem...
posted by chavenet at 10:26 AM on June 23, 2016 [10 favorites]

Anyone that says they wouldn't want to eat that RIGHT NOW is a bare face liar

I have a beard, ipso facto I can't be lying when I say "No thanks to that".
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:27 AM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

Adept256's Mac n' Cheetos Detox Clinic. I'll be rich!
posted by adept256 at 10:27 AM on June 23, 2016

Those look really good.

This Burger Cone does, too, though.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:27 AM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

I mean these are basically just fried mac and cheese with Cheetos cheese on the outside, right? (Or maybe from the review video, actually infused inside of the coating?)

Sounds delicious to me.

I can't tell you how many high end places I've been served fried mac and cheese. There's a fancy burger joint here that has the "Mac and Stack" which is a hamburger bunned with two fried mac and cheese patties. (Nosh in Portland, ME totally delicious if you happen to find yourself here.)
posted by mayonnaises at 10:30 AM on June 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

I have a beard, ipso facto I can't be lying when I say "No thanks to that".

Yeah, this combines a number of things I'm super picky about. Hard pass.
posted by soren_lorensen at 10:31 AM on June 23, 2016

They look so terrible for you and gross...


....I want them.
posted by xingcat at 10:32 AM on June 23, 2016 [6 favorites]

This might be the most best thing on earth right now.
posted by Annika Cicada at 10:35 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

After a near-thirty-year uneasy truce marked by skirmishes along the Subway-Costco border, PepsiCo, through its Frito-Lay satellite forces, has invaded the Monarchy of Burger, and it's time for Cola Wars II.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:37 AM on June 23, 2016 [5 favorites]

I hope Hillary picks one of these for veep
posted by beerperson at 10:39 AM on June 23, 2016 [21 favorites]

I love it when mac'n'cheese get made part of foods they usually have no business being a part of. (RIP Toronto's Hot Beans' mac'n'cheese burrito that also had fried potatoes all up in there.)
posted by Kitteh at 10:39 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Mac & cheese, Cheetos, and French fries are all in my top 5 favorite foods. Today is a glorious day.
posted by Fig at 10:42 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Ugh.

Who would have thought a fucking Doritos shell taco would unleash such eldritch abominations upon the world in its wake.

And, as someone who likes finds Taco Bell edible, I still haven't eaten a fucking Doritos Locos Taco. Because I have SOME dignity, damn it.
posted by SansPoint at 10:44 AM on June 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

There USED to be a Burger King a longish walk from my office, but NO, some developer had to buy the building and replace it with something that "better suited their holdings" like a farm to table yoga studio or some shit.*

*It's a ramen place, but you can't tell me there's a difference.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:48 AM on June 23, 2016 [6 favorites]

So now we have the answer to this question: What variety of cheese would Donald be?
posted by chavenet at 10:49 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

what if you boiled sour patch kids into a delightful slurry and then froze that slurry in ice cube trays and then threw them in the blender?

now that i type it all out it seems like an awful lot of work.

Let me report on such efforts this weekend.



a farm to table yoga studio or some shit.*

*It's a ramen place, but you can't tell me there's a difference.

I'm pretty sure ramen is tastier than a yoga mat. Just sayin'.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:50 AM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

mayonnaises: "two fried mac and cheese patties"

wait what where?!
posted by chavenet at 10:51 AM on June 23, 2016

I've been wanting to try this but NYC has less Burger Kings than you'd think.
posted by jonmc at 10:52 AM on June 23, 2016

Suddenly I have a craving for a walking taco.
posted by JohnFromGR at 10:53 AM on June 23, 2016

My GERD kicked in just looking at that photo.
posted by Existential Dread at 10:56 AM on June 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

perhaps one that craps ice cream?
posted by indubitable at 10:56 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

mayonnaises: "two fried mac and cheese patties"

wait what where?!

Portland, ME. Weren't you listening?
posted by aubilenon at 10:57 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Yes, but can you recharge your smart phone with Mac'n'Cheetos?
posted by ursus_comiter at 10:57 AM on June 23, 2016 [6 favorites]

There USED to be a Burger King a longish walk from my office, but NO, some developer had to buy the building and replace it with something that "better suited their holdings" like a farm to table yoga studio or some shit.*

*It's a ramen place, but you can't tell me there's a difference.

is this the new standard for the "I live in a big city" humblebrag?
posted by indubitable at 10:58 AM on June 23, 2016 [7 favorites]

The big fucking problem with the Doritos Locos Taco is that the shell is not a fucking Dorito. It is a thin, waferish failure of a taco shell that has been powder-coated with the flavoring of a Dorito but does not possess the structural integrity of even a single authentic Dorito chip. I'm pretty sure the rollout of the Doritos Locos Taco was when Taco Bell started giving you little carboard holders to eat your taco in, which should have signaled to everybody paying attention that something had gone horribly wrong, because a fucking taco should not require special hardware to help you eat it, but the Doritos Locos Taco shell splits longitudinally along its fold and shatters at first bite, disintegrating like a dried butterfly wing in the fist of an angry toddler, and there is nothing that curdles the transgressively delicious promise of a taco/Dorito mashup faster than eating shredded iceberg lettuce and sour cream off your pinched, powder-stained fingers because it all sloughed off the taco and fell into the goddamn wrapper in your lap. I don't know what corporate legalities or vagaries of food science prevented Taco Bell from just making a really big Dorito and folding it into a taco shell but this culinary error that they foisted on an unsuspecting world to great fanfare is no heir to the lineage of the Dorito, it is an incontinent faker clad in the flavored powder of the thing it wishes to be, and I weep for you all who accept this latest pandering abomination without the skepticism it deserves. I weep. This is why we can't have nice things.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:59 AM on June 23, 2016 [151 favorites]

I'm mostly wondering if Justin will feature this on Munch Squad. 90% of the MBMBAM tag on Twitter the last few days has been people sending this to them.
posted by kmz at 10:59 AM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

Who would have thought a fucking Doritos shell taco would unleash such eldritch abominations upon the world in its wake.

I think you're on to something. One of these in a Doritos shell would be pretty delicious.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:00 AM on June 23, 2016 [6 favorites]

is this the new standard for the "I live in a big city" humblebrag?

Humblebrag? I'm confused. I legitimately miss the Burger King. I used to go there all the time.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:01 AM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

If these are as utterly boring as the Taco Bell Doritos mashup tacos are, then they won't be at all interesting.

Seriously, those Taco Bell Doritos tacos... are terrible. Like, they aren't even bad tasting. They are just completely boring junk food.
posted by hippybear at 11:01 AM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

On Father's Day my daughter and I were at the grocery store with the mission of buying some disgustingly bad for us snacks for the holiday. We already had Oreos and M&M-laced trail mix in the cart when we headed down the frozen aisle. "I could go for some kind of pizza-roll type thing" I said. "I could go for fries" she said. A brief pause. "What about Pizza Fries? You know like loaded nachos, but with marinara, pepperoni, cheese, etc. on a bed of steak fries?" she said. "That might be the best idea you have ever had." I said.

We invented Pizza Fries that day, dear reader. The recipe needs some refinements (really need to get the fries crispy to combat sauce-induced sogginess), but not bad for a first try.
posted by Rock Steady at 11:02 AM on June 23, 2016 [32 favorites]

I have never wanted to be back in Los Angeles more than at this present moment.

I have never been to Los Angeles, unless taking a bus across the tarmac from one terminal to the surprisingly shitty commuter terminal after precisely 49 minutes in the Admiral's Club counts. Nevertheless, if I still had the ability to redeem miles for a flight tonight without $300 in fucking fees, I'd be there by morning just for some Cheetos dust covered breaded and fried mac & cheese chunks. Instead, I'll have to make do with plain breaded and fried mac & cheese chunks. What is the world coming to, conspiring to leave me without the layer of bright orange processed cheese food?
posted by wierdo at 11:04 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Seriously, those Taco Bell Doritos tacos... are terrible. Like, they aren't even bad tasting. They are just completely boring junk food.

My preference is the Taco Bell stuff with the Fritos in them. The Fritos get a little soggy, but they retain some crunch and they're a ton more like real Fritos than the Doritos things.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:05 AM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

The recipe needs some refinements (really need to get the fries crispy to combat sauce-induced sogginess), but not bad for a first try.

I suggest searching for advice on home-made poutine.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 11:07 AM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

i'm just sayin', i would trade a burger king for a legit ramen place
posted by indubitable at 11:07 AM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

" which should have signaled to everybody paying attention that something had gone horribly wrong, because a fucking taco should not require special hardware to help you eat it,"

Read and weep at the massive amount of R&D that went into that taco shell.

tldr: The Doritos people wanted it to be as thin as a corn chip, the Taco Bell people needed it to be able to survive shipping, handling, and repacking at the store.
posted by JoeZydeco at 11:10 AM on June 23, 2016 [10 favorites]

The best part of this is that everyone will know your shame because of yellowed fingers.

Then you will see that everyone has yellow fingers and there will be shared nervous but relieved laughter.

And then war.
posted by srboisvert at 11:11 AM on June 23, 2016 [8 favorites]

So I guess that Burger King was feeling like they needed to give Patton Oswalt some stand-up material because I guess KFC was getting too much free press.

I'm thinking something along the lines of "tastes like adolescence" but I think it needs work.
posted by vuron at 11:12 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

"What about Pizza Fries? You know like loaded nachos, but with marinara, pepperoni, cheese, etc. on a bed of steak fries?" she said. "That might be the best idea you have ever had." I said.

We invented Pizza Fries that day, dear reader.

I'm sure it was great but what you did was re-invent poutine italienne poorly. Although like I said, I'm sure it was good. But I am required by Canadian intellectual property law to point out that poutine were already invented.
posted by GuyZero at 11:12 AM on June 23, 2016 [11 favorites]

The best part of this is that everyone will know your shame because of yellowed fingers.

Reminds me of the old Jamaican woman from Whoopie Goldberg's debut one-woman show. Paraphrasing "The best thing about the barbecue potato chips is you can use what is on your fingers as lip and cheek color."
posted by hippybear at 11:13 AM on June 23, 2016

This reminds me of the recent Spaghetti-O's filled watermelon vandalism.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 11:17 AM on June 23, 2016 [5 favorites]

This might just be one of the most subtle, beautiful backdoor arguments for full legalization of marijuana in living memory.

(I mean, come on: imagine the potential market synergies!)
posted by saulgoodman at 11:19 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

What, the Jack In The Box late night munchies box wasn't proof enough for you?
posted by hippybear at 11:21 AM on June 23, 2016

We invented Pizza Fries that day, dear reader.

You are doing God's work, my friend.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:23 AM on June 23, 2016 [8 favorites]

This is probably a good a place as any to mention Straw, a restaurant in San Francisco that serves country-fair food ("carnival fare") in a hipster setting. Fried pickles, donut burgers, funnel cakes.

Locals are welcome to play guess-which-neighbourhood.
posted by GuyZero at 11:23 AM on June 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

So here's a weird thing. I cannot eat any air puffed food other than popcorn. Cheetos, Pirates Booty, Funyuns, they all make me gag - I mean they physiologically cause my gag reflex to engage. I have no idea what it's about but there it is.

For my partner, eating Triscuits reliably induces hiccups. It's kind of adorable. We are similarly perplexed as to the mechanism, however.
posted by NMcCoy at 11:24 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Why hadn't I thought to garnish dishes with Cheetos?! I see amazing new things on the horizon.
posted by Miss Scarlet with the Candlestick in the Lounge at 11:26 AM on June 23, 2016

This is probably a good a place as any to mention Straw, a restaurant in San Francisco that serves country-fair food ("carnival fare") in a hipster setting. Fried pickles, donut burgers, funnel cakes.


UGH this was MY horrible idea like ten years ago.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:27 AM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

p.s. I'd tell you all about my recipe for a Cheetos and cream cheese sandwich but I think I should save it for the MeFi cookbook
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:29 AM on June 23, 2016 [6 favorites]

This seems one step ahead of the 7-11 Loaded Doritos. I MUST INVESTIGATE.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:30 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

This seems one step ahead of the 7-11 Loaded Doritos.

That's way behind the Frito-Lay Walking Tacos.
posted by JoeZydeco at 11:33 AM on June 23, 2016

It kind of resembles a cocoon or egg you open up and inside is a bunch of larva. It's like a Halloween food released in June.
posted by FJT at 11:34 AM on June 23, 2016 [12 favorites]

There's a fair food vendor in SoCal that was opening a restaurant based on his ridiculous creations (fried kool-aid, fried Klondike bar, chicken sandwich with oatmeal raisin cookie "bread") that's probably open by now.

Sometimes on weekends I'll make a flamin' hot cheeto and cheese omelette for breakfast.
posted by LionIndex at 11:34 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

And while we're at it, I'm tired of people comparing Donald Trump to a Cheetos because Trump is the worst thing about America and orange and Cheetos are the best and orange.

I suggest everyone start comparing Trump to a Circus Peanut because they are also orange and the worst.
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:34 AM on June 23, 2016 [38 favorites]

But I am required by Canadian intellectual property law to point out that poutine were already invented.

TIL poutine is/are plural.
posted by The Bellman at 11:39 AM on June 23, 2016 [6 favorites]

'cheese' with a very small 'c' indeed.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 11:40 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

So some sort of macaroni parasite laid eggs inside a Cheeto?

Now I'm sitting here imagining pasta wasps.
posted by bonehead at 11:40 AM on June 23, 2016 [14 favorites]

Trump Turds.
posted by grumpybear69 at 11:40 AM on June 23, 2016

There's a fair food vendor in SoCal that was opening a restaurant based on his ridiculous creations (fried kool-aid, fried Klondike bar, chicken sandwich with oatmeal raisin cookie "bread")

Every item on a stick or GTFO.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:42 AM on June 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

Wow, this much thread and no one mentioned that this has also occurred, and that it's probably coming to taco bell?
posted by emptythought at 11:43 AM on June 23, 2016

They mention the Sour Patch Kids Slurpees which were a gift to us from a civilization greater than our own and now the flavor isn't at my local 7/11 anymore and help me

See also: The a&w(mug? barqs?) rootbeer flavor, and the mountain dew livewire flavor.

Also vanilla coke, and....
posted by emptythought at 11:45 AM on June 23, 2016

7-Up Gold.

I miss that stuff.
posted by hippybear at 11:47 AM on June 23, 2016

And Josta Cola. Was just so strange, but I liked it.
posted by hippybear at 11:47 AM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

7-Eleven has, or recently had, a peach lemonade Slurpee flavor that is perfect.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:51 AM on June 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

July 11th is coming up soon. Don't forget....
posted by hippybear at 11:53 AM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

"idiocracy is real!" jokes/completely serious comments that think they're clever on the entire internet.

A year from now you could be eating macaroni in Velveeta deep fried and breaded with Cheetos while watching a Hulk Hogan sex tape in a country ruled by President Donald Trump. Just sayin, it might be time to get off the internet for the sake of your own sanity.
posted by Hoopo at 11:53 AM on June 23, 2016 [18 favorites]

They must smell really good for the guy to eat them before washing his hands. Me, I'd use a fork.
posted by Beholder at 11:53 AM on June 23, 2016

I love it when mac'n'cheese get made part of foods they usually have no business being a part of.

I know of a place that serves brisket/mac n' cheese eggrolls. They're delicious.
posted by octobersurprise at 12:02 PM on June 23, 2016 [5 favorites]

Since we've mentioned Slurpees and quebecois cuisine, I feel obliged to mention this.
posted by ITheCosmos at 12:06 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

octobersurprise, you must tell me NOW where the magical brisket/mac 'n cheese eggrolls can be found.
posted by cooker girl at 12:06 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Year of the Burger King Mac n' Cheetos Ranch Dippers™

posted by Flashman at 12:08 PM on June 23, 2016 [12 favorites]

I sometimes wonder what weird genetic lottery toss left me feeling that Mac & Cheeze in almost all shapes, styles and flavors is not just unpalatable but downright repellent.
posted by Death and Gravity at 12:09 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

ISTHEENTIRECULINARYUNIVERSEDESIGNEDTOPANDERTOSTONERSNOW?!!!????
posted by latkes at 12:09 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

We invented Pizza Fries that day, dear reader. The recipe needs some refinements (really need to get the fries crispy to combat sauce-induced sogginess), but not bad for a first try.

I will personally fund this kickstarter
posted by bologna on wry at 12:10 PM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

IT'S BEEN A FULL MINITE, OCTOBERSURPRISE. TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME.
posted by cooker girl at 12:11 PM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

I sometimes wonder what weird genetic lottery toss left me feeling that Mac & Cheeze in almost all shapes, styles and flavors is not just unpalatable but downright repellent.

Clearly, somebody in your family tree, at some point in the past, did something to deeply offend a wizard.
posted by Shepherd at 12:11 PM on June 23, 2016 [24 favorites]

I want these in me, but I have been burned before.
posted by Going To Maine at 12:18 PM on June 23, 2016

Sour Patch Slurpee reminded me about 7-11 Shark Week Donuts.
It's a Strawberry Jelly filled donut with Blue Raspberry Slurpee icing on top, WITH A FREAKING HUGE GUMMI SHARK draped across it.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 12:20 PM on June 23, 2016 [5 favorites]

What better way to celebrate our toxic orange presidential candidate? Make Burger King great again!
posted by TedW at 12:20 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

At last, science has come up with an answer to the question "Is it possible for something to be soggy and stale at the same time?"
posted by duffell at 12:22 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

I sometimes wonder what weird genetic lottery toss left me feeling that Mac & Cheeze in almost all shapes, styles and flavors is not just unpalatable but downright repellent.

this is some "the ones who walk away from Omelas" type shit right here
posted by rorgy at 12:23 PM on June 23, 2016 [8 favorites]

Trump and these monstrosities...

Both of which are the orange, mushy-on-the-inside heroes we deserve if not the ones we truly need.
posted by RolandOfEld at 12:24 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

how about they just package and sell the brown crust that forms around the rim of a Stouffer's mac and cheese tray when you cook it a little too long? that's hella tastier than any kind of breaded goo creation they could come up with
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:25 PM on June 23, 2016 [7 favorites]

the massive amount of R&D that went into that taco shell

This statement perfectly encapsulates the decline of American civilization.
posted by CosmicRayCharles at 12:27 PM on June 23, 2016 [6 favorites]

STOP COMPARING TRUMP TO CHEESE LITERALLY ANY KIND OF CHEESE IS BETTER THAN TRUMP

DICK CHEESE IS BETTER THAN TRUMP

trump is a circus peanut that has been soaking in raw sewage behind the big top for like 2 weeks
posted by poffin boffin at 12:27 PM on June 23, 2016 [21 favorites]

a grilled dick cheese sandwich on yeast infection bread is better than trump
posted by poffin boffin at 12:28 PM on June 23, 2016 [17 favorites]

From JoeyZydeco's Doritos Locos Taco R&D link: "The company is now considering crowdsourcing the next iteration of the DLT, and with 123 flavors of Doritos, there's certainly no shortage of possibilities."

Well, I have an idea. The original flavored Doritos flavor is "Taco" and it's the very best flavor of Doritos. I know that you kids have rarely seen this wondrous flavor in the supermarket or convenience store, but, trust me, it is The Original Flavor and it still exists, though is rarely seen. C'mon Taco Bell, it's right there in front of you: Taco Doritos Loco Tacos.

"how about they just package and sell the brown crust that forms around the rim of a Stouffer's mac and cheese tray when you cook it a little too long?"

Mac & cheese crust is the best, even if it's just microwave mac & cheese crust.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:32 PM on June 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

I feel like the failure of OK Soda, which seemed like it was meant to taste like a suicide or kamikaze (when you just randomly mix sodas in a cup) was that it was 23 years ahead of its time.
posted by maxsparber at 12:35 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

trump is a circus peanut that has been soaking in raw sewage behind the big top for like 2 weeks

a grilled dick cheese sandwich on yeast infection bread is better than trump

I feel like the failure of OK Soda, which seemed like it was meant to taste like a suicide or kamikaze (when you just randomly mix sodas in a cup) was that it was 23 years ahead of its time.

Donald Trump is the menu item from every "Can I eat this" Ask Metafilter question ever, mixed into a slurry, deep-fried, and coated in Cheeto dust.
posted by duffell at 12:40 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Donald Trump is Donkey Sauce.
posted by cooker girl at 12:43 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Make That Pork Shoulder You Left In The Car Overnight Great Again
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:45 PM on June 23, 2016 [12 favorites]

Read and weep at the massive amount of R&D that went into that taco shell.

This sentence is going to be on the syllabus for a college level history course lecture in like a hundred years, when everyone is living in underground tunnel systems and both this society and the environment have collapsed.
posted by emptythought at 12:49 PM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

Read and weep at the massive amount of R&D that went into that taco shell.

This sentence is going to be on the syllabus for a college level history course lecture in like a hundred years, when everyone is living in underground tunnel systems and both this society and the environment have collapsed.

Thought of a great new ad campaign for the next daft foodstuff: "THE LAST DAYS OF ROME HAVE NOTHING ON THIS."
posted by duffell at 12:53 PM on June 23, 2016 [9 favorites]

It kind of resembles a cocoon or egg you open up and inside is a bunch of larva.

And on that note, presenting the D&D monster they stole this idea from
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 12:54 PM on June 23, 2016

Do they come in Pepsi Blue?
posted by terrapin at 1:01 PM on June 23, 2016

Wow, this much thread and no one mentioned that this has also occurred, and that it's probably coming to taco bell?

I must copy and paste from this link because this is very, very important information of which every world citizen should be aware.

...the Doritos Loaded... The concept behind it is simple-yet-confounding. A neon nacho turned inside out. The outside is Doritos crust, the inside is nacho cheese. It awaits you exclusively at 7-Eleven, waving from the warming tray in a pocket-shaped compartment that promises adventure and companionship.

[snip]

Meanwhile, up in Canada, Doritos has offered its stoners the chance to burn their mouths off with Doritos Roulette, a bag of Doritos with a few extra spicy chips mixed in that are indistinguishable from the others by the naked eye.

[snip]

So triumphant was the Doritos Loco Taco that Doritos actually reverse engineered a chip to taste exactly like the taco shells used in the Doritos Locos Tacos. They're sold by the bagful now; in essence, Taco Bell-flavored chips.

posted by bologna on wry at 1:02 PM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

The part of me that is still six years old wants this. Passionately.

The rest of me - the forty-something parts of me - are revolted. In part because they know that if I got one, I'd get another. And another. And another.
posted by egypturnash at 1:14 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

Somehow this seems like something that would be served at the Minnesota State Fair.
posted by Ber at 1:14 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Do they come in Pepsi Blue?

did u miss the tags
posted by poffin boffin at 1:16 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Doritos Roulette, a bag of Doritos with a few extra spicy chips mixed in...

OMG TELL ME THIS IS REAL
posted by JoeZydeco at 1:18 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

And so it is the end and I shall see you all on the other side. May whatever god you worship have mercy on your soul.
posted by damnitkage at 1:38 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Doritos Roulette, a bag of Doritos with a few extra spicy chips mixed in...

OMG TELL ME THIS IS REAL

You can play a similar game with juicy pear Jelly Bellies and booger-flavored Bertie Botts beans.
posted by duffell at 1:39 PM on June 23, 2016

trump is a circus peanut that has been soaking in raw sewage behind the big top for like 2 weeks

So you're saying he's an improvement over a plain circus peanut?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:41 PM on June 23, 2016 [5 favorites]

One time I bought Doritos 3D at 7/11 and half joking, that was when I realized my job of 12 years had broken me into a fragile shell of a former self. These I would try now that I'm free of those chains though and have dropped 75 kitherfucing pounds, son! And daughter!
posted by aydeejones at 1:49 PM on June 23, 2016

I'm in LA and willing to take one (or four) for the team. I'll keep you posted. If anyone has confirmed sightings and can point me to a location, that'd be great.
posted by ApathyGirl at 1:50 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

Doritos Roulette, a bag of Doritos with a few extra spicy chips mixed in...

OMG TELL ME THIS IS REAL

You can play a similar game with juicy pear Jelly Bellies and booger-flavored Bertie Botts beans.

Or filling a sunflower seed with cayenne pepper and tossing it back in the bag.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 1:54 PM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

Poll at the end needs an "all of the above" option.
posted by jferg at 2:01 PM on June 23, 2016

You can play a similar game with juicy pear Jelly Bellies and booger-flavored Bertie Botts beans.

In case you didn't know, Jelly Belly actually does this already with their own packs called BeanBoozled, which is apparently now on its fourth iteration of flavors. It's some fine entertainment for the money.
posted by bologna on wry at 2:02 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

This looks deliciogusting, but I have a feeling it's one of those things I would get halfway through an order of before my body started telling me "Please stop eating this fast food product. YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:15 PM on June 23, 2016 [11 favorites]

If Cheetos mascot Chester Cheetah had a litterbox, it would be piled high with these things.
posted by dr_dank at 2:16 PM on June 23, 2016 [19 favorites]

Bomb sexy for your face?

No one's gonna touch that?
posted by mochapickle at 2:22 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

OMG TELL ME THIS IS REAL

It is a thing
posted by oulipian at 2:39 PM on June 23, 2016

It's like you're eating pure Cronenbergian body horror
posted by boo_radley at 2:53 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

And why is a "Burger" King trying to sell me cheese-covered-crisp-covered-cheese-covered pasta in the first place?
posted by Johann Georg Faust at 2:57 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

if they get good traction then soon BK burg buns will be mac-and-cheetos
posted by boo_radley at 3:08 PM on June 23, 2016

Same reason they sell chicken fries. Because they can.
posted by wierdo at 3:11 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

or indeed, because who could stop them
posted by boo_radley at 3:12 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

I draw the line at ranch dressing dipping sauce. I still have some self-respect.

A tiny little bit.
posted by Splunge at 3:21 PM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

as soon as i saw news of this the other day i texted my housemates "i can't wait to get drunk and eat these"

then i sadly realized that they're only going to be in socal burger kings for now

my stomach says :( but my arteries say :)))
posted by burgerrr at 3:25 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

Seriously though Southern California MeFites, I'm counting on those who would be interested to give us a full report as soon as you are able.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:28 PM on June 23, 2016

maybe i should just drive down to LA over the holiday weekend to get some. is that insane (don't answer that)
posted by burgerrr at 3:34 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

bring back some in n out tho
posted by griphus at 3:35 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

or indeed, because who could stop them

So it's a burger absolute monarchy, unrestrained by any burger nobles or burger bourgeoise.
posted by octobersurprise at 3:37 PM on June 23, 2016 [8 favorites]

"we need a burga carta mumble mumble"

WHAT WAS THAT

"nothing my liege mumble mumble"
posted by boo_radley at 3:38 PM on June 23, 2016 [5 favorites]

“Hamburglar! I will cut your heart out with a spoon!”
posted by Going To Maine at 3:42 PM on June 23, 2016

bring back some in n out tho

Those are good burgers, Walter.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:43 PM on June 23, 2016

"Come see the violence delicious cheese inherent in the system!"
posted by octobersurprise at 3:46 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

bring back some in n out tho
oh there's an in n out ten minutes from my place, thank christ i don't need to go to LA to get some. but now i want in n out. guess i know what i'm getting for dinner tonight!!
posted by burgerrr at 3:48 PM on June 23, 2016

[previously] [warning, self-link] [that's still a sin in 37 states]
posted by Evilspork at 3:53 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

If Cheetos mascot Chester Cheetah had a litterbox, it would be piled high with these things.

Piled high? That's how you get Cheetoxoplasmosis
posted by Hoopo at 4:02 PM on June 23, 2016 [20 favorites]

I draw the line at ranch dressing dipping sauce. I still have some self-respect.

Okay but what if it was DEEP FRIED RANCH DRESSING what then
posted by poffin boffin at 4:10 PM on June 23, 2016 [5 favorites]

"and they come with ranch dressing dipping sauce because The Burger King knows taste."

Indeed BK does.

I tried their hotdogs a couple of months ago and really appreciated the flame grilledness of them. This sounds like another winner.
posted by bfootdav at 4:37 PM on June 23, 2016

little late to this party but i have made mac n cheese with a bread crumb top where i substituted half of the called for toasted panko with crushed up flaming hot cheetos. everyone, regardless of the substances they had or had not consumed, loved it.
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 4:53 PM on June 23, 2016 [6 favorites]

The guy in the video in that article is totally ridiculous, he's like a capitalism elemental, all "and we all love cheetos, the cheesy goodness in this first bite is astounding, and if you're a fan of cool marketing then you've gotta get your hands on this cardboard fetish box courtesy of our close personal brandbuddies at the BK!"
posted by One Second Before Awakening at 4:53 PM on June 23, 2016 [7 favorites]

Our local location had the signs up today and my partner went in and grabbed some. As a consequence, we had Burger King for dinner.

I regret everything. We have dug too deep.... Too greedily.

The thing is very, very cheesy but not very Cheeto-y.
posted by absalom at 5:22 PM on June 23, 2016 [8 favorites]

Earlier today, I drove by a Burger King in the Bay Area (Milpitas, to be exact), and there was a sign for these in the window. As I was driving home from a Weight Watchers meeting, I couldn't bring myself to stop for them.

Surprisingly, my extremely-picky-eater husband was more intrigued by the concept than I was. "Fried mac-and-cheese is all over the place, and it's usually pretty bland. Maybe this would have enough flavor to make it interesting." Just as I thought my world was spinning off its axis and everything I knew was wrong, he shrugged and said, "But I still wouldn't eat it."
posted by Meghamora at 5:30 PM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

> We invented Pizza Fries that day, dear reader.

Why don't you make the crispy fries, melt the cheese on them, and then have a bowl or mug of heated pizza sauce/marinara on the side for dipping? This allows you total control over your sauce levels. (I prefer just enough sauce on my pizza; my family are all heavy-saucers.)

If you have some decent bread (I prefer sourdough):
1) toast a few slices in the toaster,
2) butter the outsides with spreadable butter or margarine, then place one toast buttered side down in a skillet on the stove,
3) sprinkle some dried Italian seasoning (and red chili flakes, if you like) directly on the toast*, topping that with a half-decent or better mozzarella + parm**
4) sprinkle more Italian seasoning on top of that, and top it with remaining toast, buttered side out.
5) grill as a grilled cheese sandwich, and when finished cut diagonally***
6) dip mozzarella grilled cheese into small bowl of heated pizza sauce/marinara or regular bowl of tomato soup.

Bonus deliciousness: Before assembling grilled cheese, cook sliced pepperoni and/or chorizo in skillet long enough to heat up and release grease. Leave grease in skillet when assembling sandwich, add pepperoni/chorizo in middle sandwich layer, and grill.

* The Italian seasoning seems to release its oils/flavor better closer to the heat and when exposed to the moisture from the melting cheese.
** Fresh grated or sliced moz works better than pre-shredded bagged. Shaker parm tastes like cheese-like sawdust.
*** Flavor is improved by diagonal cutting.
posted by Fiberoptic Zebroid and The Hypnagogic Jerks at 6:03 PM on June 23, 2016 [7 favorites]

Unbelievably unhealthy food for humans. Whatevah!
posted by rmmcclay at 6:15 PM on June 23, 2016

This is probably a good a place as any to mention Straw, a restaurant in San Francisco that serves country-fair food ("carnival fare") in a hipster setting. Fried pickles, donut burgers, funnel cakes.

Those are some glorious fried pickles and their grilled cheese sandwich is a thing of beauty.
posted by atropos at 6:32 PM on June 23, 2016

"And why is a "Burger" King trying to sell me cheese-covered-crisp-covered-cheese-covered pasta in the first place?"
Because it's all just differing iteratons of corn.
posted by haikuku at 7:22 PM on June 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

Mac n' Cheetos, the official human nourishment of TrumpAmerica.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:15 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

related: PROCESSING CHEESE ORE INTO INGOTS
posted by boo_radley at 8:20 PM on June 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

related: PROCESSING CHEESE ORE INTO INGOTS

This usually happens after eating.
posted by Going To Maine at 8:24 PM on June 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

I had some of these in San Francisco tonight! I'm planning to get some on my way to work in the morning.
posted by Pronoiac at 9:10 PM on June 23, 2016

America: "I know I really shouldn't, but I really want to"
posted by osk at 12:37 AM on June 24, 2016

Yeah, there's this perverse part of me that wants to go and try these ASAP.
posted by Standard Orange at 12:40 AM on June 24, 2016

I think this indicates that due to America's cheese surplus, any food not already flavored with cheese will now include cheese, and any food already flavored with cheese with get a cheese coating and cheese dipping sauce.
posted by rh at 4:55 AM on June 24, 2016 [6 favorites]

I blame myself: I stopped eating cheese two months ago and the dramatic change in my consumption has apparently brought forth the Cheesy Leviathan for everyone else.
posted by mochapickle at 5:38 AM on June 24, 2016 [3 favorites]

I'm no scientist, but I assume it's a function of evolution and survival that makes my brain scream REMEMBER THE DIARRHEA! when I even think about eating at Burger King. But these. These. I'm gonna win big at the Darwin awards this year.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:00 AM on June 24, 2016 [3 favorites]

Can too much viralness be a bad thing? I searched for "Burger King Mac and Cheetos locations" and the first five pages are all links to this story with not one link to Burger King. And I'm pretty sure Google knows I'm in the hot zone.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:05 AM on June 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

The youtube preacher Walter Veith has a sequence on healthy diet which is interesting. He also is a biology professor so he has some scientific input into his theories, although heaven knows science and diet don't mix very well. He is vegan so he rules out cheese categorically, but he does rate non-vegan foods from bad to absolutely horrible. He claims cheese is the worst. His reasoning is as follows: the culture eats all the readily digestible components in the milk and leaves behind the most difficult to digest components. When you eat cheese your stomach goes into hyperdrive secreting acid to break down these tough components, and they stay inside the stomach far past the four hour mean processing time.
posted by bukvich at 8:15 AM on June 24, 2016

The guy in the video in that article is totally ridiculous, he's like a capitalism elemental, all "and we all love cheetos, the cheesy goodness in this first bite is astounding, and if you're a fan of cool marketing...

And then he actually says "I'm lovin' it!" Dude, stay BK for this one!
posted by snofoam at 9:35 AM on June 24, 2016 [2 favorites]

The best sliders I ever made featured twice-baked mac-n-cheese over pulled pork over grilled burgers. On King's Hawaiian sweet rolls. My grandsons thought I was a god.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:52 AM on June 24, 2016 [6 favorites]

Please god help me someone tell me this is fake or I won't speep tonight. My stomach hurt from looking at the pic yuuuck.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 11:53 AM on June 24, 2016

It was real. A deep-fried Brexit.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:54 AM on June 24, 2016 [2 favorites]

what i want to know is after he peeps things out does he get jiggy with them

seriously the slang on this guy
posted by freecellwizard at 1:03 PM on June 24, 2016

does he get jiggy with them

It sounds like he's living la vida loca!

So, I had them. They taste exactly like you think they taste, which is 50% of the battle with these things. But they're like orange capsules of hot lava, so more than anything, they taste like burning.

I think you could get the fried mac and cheese balls from TJs and roll them in crushed Cheetos and get really close. I'm not the worlds biggest Mac and cheese person so take my lack of enthusiasm for a cheesy product in stride.
posted by Room 641-A at 1:39 PM on June 24, 2016 [3 favorites]

The best sliders I ever made featured twice-baked mac-n-cheese over pulled pork over grilled burgers. On King's Hawaiian sweet rolls. My grandsons thought I was a god.

I am suddenly inexplicably angry that I am not eating this right now.
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:57 PM on June 24, 2016 [3 favorites]

Ugh, they taste like regret.
posted by sweetmarie at 3:39 PM on June 24, 2016 [2 favorites]

I had them at lunch today :(

They did not taste strongly of cheetos, and the interior was not gooey, but kind of dry and pasty. Perhaps it was the location I went to? Because their fries were soggy too. And I didn't get a dipping sauce, and did not know I was supposed to...?
posted by danny the boy at 4:53 PM on June 24, 2016 [2 favorites]

The outside was tasty enough, and I will say the inside is not bland but very cheesy tasting. Cheesier than nacho cheese, what I'd imagine Easy Cheese tastes like. I also didn't get a dipping sauce, but they did ask me if I wanted one.

My heart definitely slowed to a crawl and I just wanted to lay down and take a nap under my desk tho.
posted by sweetmarie at 7:55 PM on June 24, 2016 [2 favorites]

God dammit, I forgot to eat go these AGAIN and just had a completely delicious meal of reasonable food instead.

I'll try again tomorrow.
posted by aubilenon at 8:10 PM on June 24, 2016 [3 favorites]

Perhaps it was the location

Mine were totally fresh. When I ordered them she apologized and said it would be a two minutes and thirty second wait. The first bite literally burned my mouth.

I wondered about dipping sauce, didn't ask, and wasn't told.
posted by Room 641-A at 8:34 PM on June 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

The dipping sauce had better be cheese-based
posted by aubilenon at 9:56 PM on June 24, 2016

Tried these tonight, mainly because if this thread (j'accuse), and they weren't bad for fast food. We didn't get a dipping sauce thank god, buy surprisingly flavorful. The Mac doesn't add much, but it does taste like Kraft (or KD for our Canadian friends). Other then the pasta having some texture they taste as you would imagine.
posted by Carillon at 10:31 PM on June 24, 2016

Well, an Original Chicken sandwich, mac'n cheetos, (instead of fries,) and a mango smoothie later; I say, I like the Macstrocity better than fries, as a side. They ended up being somewhat hollow, and we got ranch, this was good with them, insult to injury wise. Nice lunch with a grand kid on a hot day.
posted by Oyéah at 5:57 PM on June 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was thinking of making flaming hot, fried cheeticken, with límon. I will let you know how it goes.
posted by Oyéah at 6:11 PM on June 25, 2016

I feel like this was specifically designed to mock me for becoming seriously lactose intolerant over the past year.

WHY DO YOU HATE ME NOW, CHEESE? I still want to love you . . .
posted by BlueJae at 7:52 PM on June 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

Somewhat related: there's a grilled cheese truck in our town (similar to that linked above) that also sells mac n cheese and has a mac n cheese stuffed grilled cheese as an occasional special.

They serve the sandwich halves inside a paper cone, the bottom of which is filled with cheezie poofs, so all the extra grease and ancillary goodness runs down onto them and congeals, so around 230 in the afternoon when you are recovering from your lunch choice you discover them on the corner of your desk and enjoy round two while regret lurks in the background.

Should you find yourself in KW I recommend the Mango Chickie.
posted by hearthpig at 5:25 AM on June 27, 2016 [1 favorite]