So do the bad people, Frank. So do the bad people.
June 29, 2016 12:39 PM   Subscribe

The U.S. Office of the Director of National Intelligence has some travel tips for you, citizen. (SLYT)

Shorter version:
  1. Only travel with a burner phone.
  2. Always use throwaway email accounts.
  3. Never post to social media.
  4. They want your secrets.
  5. They are always watching.
  6. Trust no one.
posted by OverlappingElvis (36 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
Does point 6 imply/include the government?
posted by sammyo at 12:55 PM on June 29, 2016 [3 favorites]


They still require a passport to buy a burner phone, so there's no way of getting around being tracked.
posted by grumpybear69 at 12:56 PM on June 29, 2016


For some reason I'm required to do some of the security training the government civilians have to do despite being a contractor. The travel one is particularly noteworthy.

Topics it covers:
-How to avoid kidnapping
-How to prevent being murdered in your hotel room
-How to inspect your rental car for explosives

Topics it does not cover:
-How to protect your passport and cash from being stolen
-How to locate the local consulate
-How to avoid sticking out like a sore thumb
posted by backseatpilot at 12:57 PM on June 29, 2016 [20 favorites]


"What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:58 PM on June 29, 2016 [6 favorites]


At first I thought this was a brilliant parody, complete with fake Youtube account.... but then it sank in that people who spy on everyone want us to be safe from all the other spies?!?!?!
posted by MikeWarot at 1:00 PM on June 29, 2016 [5 favorites]


Don't use Friend Basket.
posted by aubilenon at 1:08 PM on June 29, 2016 [10 favorites]


Yeah, don't give that Marv Zuckerman kid any more money. Asshole.
posted by Naberius at 1:19 PM on June 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


The way that this was shot cheaply in a country bearing a suspicious resemblance to the United States adds a certain element of irony that I suspect is entirely lost on these spooks.
posted by fifthrider at 1:20 PM on June 29, 2016 [7 favorites]


The way that this was shot cheaply in a country bearing a suspicious resemblance to the United States adds a certain element of irony that I suspect is entirely lost on these spooks.

Maybe it's Canada!
posted by aubilenon at 1:24 PM on June 29, 2016 [3 favorites]


This is satire, yes?
posted by infini at 1:29 PM on June 29, 2016


Am I the only one reading his passport number as "coup arbiter?" Is it... funny?
posted by polyhedron at 1:31 PM on June 29, 2016


Just had to do the annual security training for my company. Jesus Christ. I mean first of all, I work in proposals. Proposals. And the level of built-in IT security I have to deal with on a daily basis is so intrusive that it actually makes us less secure. Yes, that is my password written on a post it note on the side of my cube because I have to change it all the time.

Yes, because every email or Word document I create has to go through a complex process in which I assign one of about a half dozen security levels to it, and because the software automatically puts multiple occurrences of that classification in the footer, which totally breaks the document every fucking time I or a coworker opens it, I now classify all documents as "Not a Company Document, No Visible Marking" regardless of how sensitive it may actually be.

And by the way, I'm going to become a father in the next couple months, and we have no fucking paid parental leave at all. I'm expected to burn up my week of vacation getting to know my daughter and then just leave all the childcare stuff to my wife and go back to doing 60 hour weeks generating useless verbiage. So hey, Leidos or CACI, or fucking China for that matter, if you really want to know who we're going to bid as the transition manager for a task order to collect parking meter revenues in Sandusky, Ohio, a) I pity you, and b) call me up. I'll send you the guy's resume. I don't give a shit, and I don't owe these motherfuckers any loyalty at all.
posted by Naberius at 1:32 PM on June 29, 2016 [38 favorites]


It must be satire, the people in the vid appear to have some acting skills and aren't excruciating painful to watch, their clothes appear to be tailored (or at least fit well) and indeed freshly laundered. They may even be professional and trained actors, rather than a bunch of schlubs on a voluntold assignment.

OTOH, the content is pretty close to the briefing materials we get from our (non-usian) foreign affairs folks.
posted by bonehead at 1:33 PM on June 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


...this can't be real right.


They still require a passport to buy a burner phone, so there's no way of getting around being tracked.

AFAIK, I bought a prepaid SIM at the airport in the UK without ID, with cash.
posted by odinsdream at 1:37 PM on June 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


They still require a passport to buy a burner phone, so there's no way of getting around being tracked.

This is why it's so easy to buy a local SIM with your credit card in European airports, for what it's worth.
posted by mhoye at 1:37 PM on June 29, 2016


Haha, jinx. (For what it's worth, the CC just makes their life easier; you can't change the IMEI on your phone.)
posted by mhoye at 1:40 PM on June 29, 2016


At first I thought this was a brilliant parody, complete with fake Youtube account.... but then it sank in that people who spy on everyone want us to be safe from all the other spies?!?!?!

Your secrets are worthless to them if everybody else knows them too!
posted by srboisvert at 1:42 PM on June 29, 2016


Wait. So. If it's a joke it certainly is a long, long, setup. With videos dating back years on the same account (unsure if you can spoof video dates) that are actually exactly as tone-deaf and shitty as you'd expect from the real account, either this is a real video, or someone hacked their real account and uploaded the fake. Which... I mean. which of those is worse.
posted by odinsdream at 1:43 PM on June 29, 2016


I DON'T REMEMBER ORDERING ROOM SERVICE.

Bazinga! Am I right? Am I right, folks?
posted by pianoblack at 1:48 PM on June 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


AFAIK, I bought a prepaid SIM at the airport in the UK without ID, with cash.

Same story here, more or less. I bought my first burner from a tiny shop in Leiden, in cash, and later went through the oddly cyberpunk process of topping it off with a ten euro note at a hole-in-the-wall kiosk, staffed by a single, bored-looking employee seated behind a sheet of bulletproof glass.
posted by fifthrider at 1:48 PM on June 29, 2016 [3 favorites]


I must be tired because I cannot tell if the comments are written by people who are really stupid or they are playing stupid in response to a satire post or what. I mean...no one REALLY thinks this is real??? Amiright?? Anyone? Bueller?
posted by shockingbluamp at 1:52 PM on June 29, 2016


The kit used to download data from the ipad at around 1:50 looked pretty complex - maybe not a prop?
posted by clockworkjoe at 1:55 PM on June 29, 2016


7. Keep your laser handy.
8. Happiness is mandatory, citizen.
posted by Mrs. Davros at 2:02 PM on June 29, 2016 [6 favorites]


Yeah, I just kept waiting for the punchline or, at the very least, our hapless traveler punching that smug white-shirted bastard in the face.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 2:31 PM on June 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


If that is a joke... well... why would anybody make a joke video that was better done than most actual videos and had actually useful information?? (as in, yes, I do think the info in there is actually useful--data leaks are a huge problem and they happen all the time)
posted by ropeladder at 2:33 PM on June 29, 2016


Oh crap I put my MySpace URL on the Internet!

*microwaves all devices, including microwave*
posted by petebest at 2:47 PM on June 29, 2016 [4 favorites]


Soo, this rogue nation is... Canada?
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:49 PM on June 29, 2016


We get blamed for everything.
posted by bonehead at 3:00 PM on June 29, 2016


Not posting to a public account that you're overseas and your house will be empty is actually reasonable advice.
posted by sammyo at 3:25 PM on June 29, 2016


Nice coda.
posted by Bob Regular at 3:26 PM on June 29, 2016


It's funny how the friendly spook doesn't have any advice about the first scenario they depict, where the guy at customs scans his ID and hits a button called "initiate surveillance." Gosh, it's almost as though citizens have no means to deter state actors that wish to surveil them!
posted by whir at 5:26 PM on June 29, 2016 [9 favorites]


This is the YouTube linked to by the agency's official website, so unless they got hacked, yep, it's real.

Have a drink on the house.
we call it the "tricky dicky screwdriver"
posted by entropicamericana at 6:11 PM on June 29, 2016 [1 favorite]


so I was all set to call bullshit on this video as being satire, because no way is the "Director of National Intelligence" a thing...welp fuck me, was I wrong.

but surely this is still satire, right? right?
posted by namewithoutwords at 6:56 PM on June 29, 2016 [2 favorites]


Why is this happening?
posted by prismatic7 at 9:47 PM on June 29, 2016


(dni.gov link to the page with the videos)

... And my IP address is now in their database! Good thing my tablet's cameras are both obscured. But ... "Hey, Spooks!"
posted by Autumn Leaf at 10:02 PM on June 29, 2016


Maybe it's Canada!

They seem to have Australian accents in Canada now...
posted by drjon at 6:20 AM on June 30, 2016


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