Mellorine is an ice cream substitute that I'd never heard of until today
July 18, 2016 11:49 AM   Subscribe

Ice Cream or Not Ice Cream? — get your terminology straight before you order that heat-relieving treat.

Courtesy of Miss Cellania
posted by Johnny Wallflower (47 comments total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Is mellorine what "Blue Bunny" stuff is made out of? Because every time I manage to find myself eating some (generally for questionable/regrettable reasons) I find myself thinking "I don't know what this is, but it is not ice cream."
posted by trackofalljades at 11:57 AM on July 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


every minute you spend on discussing ice cream terminology is a minute you could have spent eating ice cream.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:00 PM on July 18, 2016 [14 favorites]


"Mellorine" really sounds like something that might have a warning label about "anal leakage".

My in-laws once bought something like 7-8 tubs of different kinds of ice cream substitutes and they were ALL terrible. It was good to comprehensively rule it all out, though.

I will definitely eat frozen custard, but I will also be perpetually disappointed that it doesn't taste more like actual custard. Same with frozen yogurt... there was a shop here that served really tart frozen yogurt and it was AMAZING... and then it shut down.
posted by selfnoise at 12:02 PM on July 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


Yeah, I found myself wondering if all of the various "Frozen Dairy Dessert" fake industrial ice cream in the grocer's freezer these days are types of mellorine. I'm sort of surprised it's not more prevalent than it is.
posted by usonian at 12:05 PM on July 18, 2016


Mellorine was a big deal back in the 50's and 60's. It's basically non-dairy fats (possibly including animal), milk solids, sweeteners and artificial colors and flavors. Not very good but at least cheap, sweet and cold...
posted by jim in austin at 12:05 PM on July 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Well, this article seems to suggest that gelato is an "ice cream substitute", as are sorbet and frozen custard. Personally, I am happy to eat gelato, frozen custard and sorbet in their own right and not as a substitute for anything.

I would like the article to explain how widely distributed this mellorine is.
posted by Frowner at 12:08 PM on July 18, 2016 [8 favorites]


Taking a moment to pay obeisance to Ted Drewes and their turn-it-upside-down-and-it-stays-in-the-cup frozen custard Concretes.
posted by Mchelly at 12:29 PM on July 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


NO! Ice cream is a GELATO substitute!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:32 PM on July 18, 2016 [26 favorites]


It also contains less milk fat, so the label gelato is often used for a frozen dessert that does not quite meet U.S. milk content standards.

I do wonder if this has something to do with the proliferation of gelato pints in the frozen foods section in grocery stores. I imagine that the temptation to sell something meeting less strict labeling requirements at a premium due to perception of quality is awfully great.
posted by Aleyn at 12:39 PM on July 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


Frozen yogurt has no particular labeling standards in the United States.

I heard Rudy Giuliani vowed to put an end to this.
posted by howfar at 12:47 PM on July 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


The mellorine is also cursed. But you get your choice of topping!
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:56 PM on July 18, 2016 [13 favorites]


Sorbet is not an ice cream substitute. It is its own delicious thing. (And less filling than ice cream, which I'm totally cool with in the summer.)
posted by madcaptenor at 12:58 PM on July 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Soft serve is ice cream, ice milk, or other frozen dessert that is stirred while being frozen and usually has air whipped into it, making it softer and easier to eat. The amount of air may range from nothing to 60% depending on the vendor. Too much air may make a cone look huge, but it also causes the soft serve to melt too fast

Man, Mister Softee must be mostly air. It was hot yesterday, but not so hot that it should be impossible for three people sharing a cone to keep up with melt.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:08 PM on July 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


If anyone's looking for low-carb ice cream, I can report that Halo Top is surprisingly good.
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:19 PM on July 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


Halo Top is a damn miracle. I can eat half a pint for 120 calories, I don't care what's in it. It's not as good as REALLY good ice cream, but it's about on par with typical supermarket stuff.

My latest diet creation is a Halo Top "egg cream" with chocolate Halo Top and apricot La Croix. In the middle of winter I'd be pissed at what I was eating, but in summer it's nice and light.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:23 PM on July 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Ice cream in general is mostly air. Seriously. The cheaper the ice cream, the more air they pumped into it. Pick up a half gallon of [insert major ice cream conglomerate here] at your local store - or heck, for more fun, pick up the even cheaper store brand - and compare the weight. Now pick up a half gallon of some actual, non-overfluffed stuff - like my go-to, the Trader Joe's French Vanilla - and be shocked at the fact that the same size container weighs twice as much when they don't add so damn much air. Look at how much slower it melts, and marvel at the silky mouthfeel when it's actual ice cream and not frozen whipped nothing.

tl;dr: If you can pull it out of a deep freezer and scoop it without hurting your wrist, it isn't ice cream. It's frozen dairy air.
posted by caution live frogs at 1:25 PM on July 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


Pick up a half gallon of [insert major ice cream conglomerate here] at your local store - or heck, for more fun, pick up the even cheaper store brand - and compare the weight.

You mean pick up a 1.5 quart of [insert major ice cream conglomerate here], surely?

The half gallon tub has gone the way of the 64oz juice carton in my experience.

The only true measures come in the upscale brands, and those are often sold by the pint.
The exception being Costco. Their "super premium" vanilla is surprisingly good for something you buy by the (cheap) gallon (2 x half-gallon cartons).
posted by madajb at 1:47 PM on July 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


frozen dairy air

I see what you did there.
posted by spacewrench at 1:52 PM on July 18, 2016 [23 favorites]


Mrs W. is quite fond of Arctic Zero. The 300-calorie flavors are almost as good as Halo, specially Brownie Blast.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:55 PM on July 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Alls I know is this Turkey Hill chocolate stuff with no sugar and "no" (sat?)fat (which probably just means under 0.5g/serving) is pretty darn good. Like, as good as cheap-ass regular ice cream.

And Halo Top costs the fucking earth but is well into WHAT KIND OF WIZARDRY IS THIS??? territory.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:19 PM on July 18, 2016


Also if you cannot have dairy and you suddenly need an ice cream bar, these babies are amazing. I think they're probably 100% chemicals but they're delicious chemicals.
posted by Mchelly at 2:23 PM on July 18, 2016


Up your hole with a Mellorine.
posted by Splunge at 2:30 PM on July 18, 2016


"Frozen dessert" is like "chocolatey chips" -- if they can't call it what it looks like, it's probably because that would put them in contravention of labeling law.

And yeah, Trader Joe's ice cream is fantastic -- I recently picked up a package of Haagen-Dasz vanilla when I couldn't get Trader Joe's vanilla and was amazed at how flat and icy it tasted in comparison. My favorite is the chocolate, though. Try it with a nice stout poured over it.
posted by ostro at 2:34 PM on July 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Also if you cannot have dairy and you suddenly need an ice cream bar, these babies are amazing.

holy summer camp flashbacks
posted by poffin boffin at 3:21 PM on July 18, 2016


i mean in retrospect no wonder it took so long for people to figure out that i was lactose intolerant

MY CHILDHOOD WAS FILLED WITH LIES
posted by poffin boffin at 3:21 PM on July 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Generally speaking, I have found that mass-produced American things advertising themselves as "frozen custard" tend to be vastly superior to mass-produced American things advertising themselves as "ice cream." Beyond the fact that frozen custard seems to have the shorter ingredient lists, I'm not surprised at all to find out that it's all about the egg yolks.

Explicit exceptions here are artisan/local creameries (I'm looking at you, Sweet Science and Izzy's).

Exceptions that prove the rule here are (certain flavours of) Ben and Jerry's.
posted by sparklemotion at 3:23 PM on July 18, 2016


Also if you cannot have dairy and you suddenly need an ice cream bar, these babies are amazing. I think they're probably 100% chemicals but they're delicious chemicals.

I know this comes as a shock, but all ice cream is 100% chemicals.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 3:43 PM on July 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


That's incorrect. My wife buys organic French vanilla ice cream that she insists is 100% chemical free.

It's not very satisfying.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 3:53 PM on July 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


My wife buys organic French vanilla ice cream that she insists is 100% chemical free.

Now there's yer frozen dairy air!
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:59 PM on July 18, 2016


My dad told me the truck only plays that music when they've run out of ice cream.
posted by adept256 at 5:03 PM on July 18, 2016 [9 favorites]


he told you a dirty fib and you should fight him
posted by poffin boffin at 6:19 PM on July 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


My new neighborhood has the creepiest ice cream truck I have ever seen. It's this windowless, beat up panel van painted a flat dull shit brown reminiscent of the 70s, complete with the darker brown stripes up the sides. The paint is peeled and faded in a few places, except where it's been marked with a few sad, fragmenting stickers of generic ice cream bars and those weird bubble-gum pops. It also plays very creepy music. I have never seen a child approach this van, and I'm kind of glad.

....hey wait, is mellorine what those fuck-awful ice cream pops with bubble gum candy eyes are made of? Because that would actually explain a lot.
posted by sciatrix at 8:55 PM on July 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Trader Joe's frozen coconut milk (strawberry or chocolate, owes no one any apologies. There's nothing second rate about TJ's frozen soy cherry chocolate chip either.
Try and prove me wrong, I dare ya.
posted by Fupped Duck at 10:12 PM on July 18, 2016


Ersatz ice cream makes a lemon capital!
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 1:08 AM on July 19, 2016


I wonder how dondurma (the turkish chewing cream, made with orchid root) would be classified
posted by mbn at 1:16 AM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


If you watched the Yuyushiki anime you'd know all about this.
posted by Gev at 7:15 AM on July 19, 2016


Halo Top is indeed wonderful, but, I discovered after eating an entire 250-calorie container of the strawberry flavor, super constipating :(
posted by mothershock at 7:30 AM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


You say that like it's a bad thing.

"A day without pooping is like a day where you can get shit done. Except for actual shit. And that's…okay."
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:16 AM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


The ice cream I was eating tasted.... not so good so, I made the mistake of google the list of ingredient on the tub. Guar gum, carrageenin, or locust bean gum, carmine etc. Eeeww....now I always read the ingredient list and choose the ice cream with cream listed first.
posted by Gwynarra at 9:07 AM on July 19, 2016


The mint chip and lemon cake Halo Top flavors are the best things ever. I like them better than actual ice cream, because they have more flavor and less sweetness. So good.
posted by biscotti at 4:04 PM on July 19, 2016


Why are you all eating ice cream, sherbet, geleato and frozen yogurt, with all their gross creaminess when you could be having slushies and sno-cones. Slusies and sno-cones are the cooling snack of the gods.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:33 AM on July 20, 2016


The gods of Brain Freeze and Food-Color Tongue, maybe.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:57 AM on July 20, 2016


The no-sugar piña colada flavor shaved ice at
Bahama Bucks is pretty damn awesome too.
posted by Doleful Creature at 10:48 AM on July 20, 2016


all the DELICIOSO COCO HELADO pushcart ladies in this neighborhood know me by name and it's only july
posted by poffin boffin at 10:59 AM on July 20, 2016


I'm sure this is probably true for many people here, but genuine high-quality ice cream is a version of heaven-on-Earth for me and for this reason I just cannot stand that cheap "frozen dairy air". I'm the same way about chocolate -- I can't eat American milk chocolate because actual good chocolate makes me happy to be alive. The weird thing about this, though, is that I'm not this way about pizza (though I know other people are). And by "not this way", what I mean is that I am a connoisseur of high quality pizza of numerous varieties, I fully and freely and enthusiastically endorse the claim that good pizza is so much better and yet ... I still like bad pizza. Really good pizza is the like the best thing ever. Bad pizza is still pretty good. In my opinion.

I really wish that I felt the same way about ice cream and chocolate. Although I'd be a whole lot fatter.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:05 AM on July 21, 2016 [1 favorite]




Fascinating article, thanks.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:01 AM on July 22, 2016


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