Spicy-vs-tangy semantics
July 27, 2016 4:11 AM Subscribe
Oh I've been there.
I WANT SALT!!
ask nicely?
PLEASE!!!
ok, just a tiny bit, here yo...
NO NOT THAT SALT!!!
you mean parmesan? grated parmesan, don't even
YES!!!
ok, wher
ON THE POTATOES!!!
ok, calm down, <sprinkles parmesan on potatoes> there you g
NOOOOOOOOO NOT ON THE POTATOES!! TAKE IT OFF!!!
...I can't take if off it's stuck on
TAKE IT OFF!!! TAKE IT OFF!!! TAKE IT OFF!!!
<cue screaming, thrashing, end of world>
posted by ianso at 4:50 AM on July 27, 2016 [18 favorites]
I WANT SALT!!
ask nicely?
PLEASE!!!
ok, just a tiny bit, here yo...
NO NOT THAT SALT!!!
you mean parmesan? grated parmesan, don't even
YES!!!
ok, wher
ON THE POTATOES!!!
ok, calm down, <sprinkles parmesan on potatoes> there you g
NOOOOOOOOO NOT ON THE POTATOES!! TAKE IT OFF!!!
...I can't take if off it's stuck on
TAKE IT OFF!!! TAKE IT OFF!!! TAKE IT OFF!!!
<cue screaming, thrashing, end of world>
posted by ianso at 4:50 AM on July 27, 2016 [18 favorites]
Time for one of my dad's favorite stories to tell to my brother's girlfriends.
When my brother was little he looooved juice. It was the only word he knew how to spell for a long time and he would start screaming J U I C EEEEEEE if his initial request for juice wasn't met immediately.
Anyway, juice in our family was Juicy Juice (back when it came in a can!) cut with water, 50/50. Only my mom held the secret to the juice recipe. If mom was out of the house, full on juice riots would occur. It's not that my dad didn't know about the 50/50 juice secret, it's that everything my dad did was destined to be wrong, and only juice from mom was ever right.
The main point of contention was do you make juice by putting the water in first or the juice in first? If you mixed the juice within eyeline of my brother, you were doing it wrong. Put the water in first? WRONG. Put the juice in first? WRONG. Carefully finagle the can and the tap so that they go into the sippy cup at the same time? SO WRONG.
My dad eventually solved this by locking my brother in his high chair and making the juice with his back to him so he couldn't see what was going on. (I was in the kitchen when the scene went down and my dad had me over there watching conspiratorially.) Juice--mystery juice--was made. Dad took the cup over and proudly presented it to my brother who looked very very suspicious.
"It's wrong."
"You don't know that! I made it right this time, I asked mom how she makes it."
"No it's wrong."
"Well how does mom make it?"
"Juice first THEN water."
"Good, that's exactly how I made it!"
"Oh. Good." [happily sucks down juice]
[knowing wink to daughter]
Dad used that trick for years.
posted by phunniemee at 4:58 AM on July 27, 2016 [13 favorites]
When my brother was little he looooved juice. It was the only word he knew how to spell for a long time and he would start screaming J U I C EEEEEEE if his initial request for juice wasn't met immediately.
Anyway, juice in our family was Juicy Juice (back when it came in a can!) cut with water, 50/50. Only my mom held the secret to the juice recipe. If mom was out of the house, full on juice riots would occur. It's not that my dad didn't know about the 50/50 juice secret, it's that everything my dad did was destined to be wrong, and only juice from mom was ever right.
The main point of contention was do you make juice by putting the water in first or the juice in first? If you mixed the juice within eyeline of my brother, you were doing it wrong. Put the water in first? WRONG. Put the juice in first? WRONG. Carefully finagle the can and the tap so that they go into the sippy cup at the same time? SO WRONG.
My dad eventually solved this by locking my brother in his high chair and making the juice with his back to him so he couldn't see what was going on. (I was in the kitchen when the scene went down and my dad had me over there watching conspiratorially.) Juice--mystery juice--was made. Dad took the cup over and proudly presented it to my brother who looked very very suspicious.
"It's wrong."
"You don't know that! I made it right this time, I asked mom how she makes it."
"No it's wrong."
"Well how does mom make it?"
"Juice first THEN water."
"Good, that's exactly how I made it!"
"Oh. Good." [happily sucks down juice]
[knowing wink to daughter]
Dad used that trick for years.
posted by phunniemee at 4:58 AM on July 27, 2016 [13 favorites]
IT'S STILL TOO HOT! YOU DUMB SHIT!! WHAT KIND OF BLOWING WAS THAT??!?!
Fantastic. My fiancé is fascinated that I blow on my food. He claims it doesn't do anything.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 5:06 AM on July 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
Fantastic. My fiancé is fascinated that I blow on my food. He claims it doesn't do anything.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 5:06 AM on July 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
What? Does he think fans don't work, too?
posted by Chrysostom at 5:49 AM on July 27, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by Chrysostom at 5:49 AM on July 27, 2016 [16 favorites]
I will never understand why my kid outright refuses to eat roast chicken (plain, with ketchup, with spices, with anything) but will be perfectly happy eating chicken nuggets he just dipped in his orange juice.
posted by Mchelly at 5:59 AM on July 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 5:59 AM on July 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
Obligatory: This isn't carrot juice, it's...
posted by Mayor West at 6:39 AM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Mayor West at 6:39 AM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Anyway, my 3-year-old exists on a diet consisting primarily of hot dogs, frozen corn, asparagus, olives, yogurt, and blueberries. We started with lofty ambitions of raising a young gourmand, but a few weeks spent litigating the "why will you eat eat roast chicken, or spoonfuls of barbecue sauce, but not barbecue chicken?!" debate has caused me to lower my standards. Now I'll consider it a success if she makes it to middle school without succumbing to scurvy.
posted by Mayor West at 6:43 AM on July 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by Mayor West at 6:43 AM on July 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
Back in the dark days when my elder child didn't eat (like, wasn't picky, just, did not eat food) I recall this entry from the food log I was keeping for the doctor:
"Dinner. One pea. Licked a shred of cheese."
I was raised in a family where Family Dinner was practically a religion, and I believe in it deeply and I hope one day we'll get back there. But so help me God, outsourcing the feeding of that child to an after-school sitter saved my sanity and our relationship. I hear the dejectedness oozing out of that log entry and I am reminded why we did it.
After $interventions, he now eats like a normal kid. Since the early dinners work better for him, we are currently putting our eggs in the Family Breakfast basket. I hope that's good enough. I still hear the little Family Dinner troll sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear every now and then, though.
posted by telepanda at 6:45 AM on July 27, 2016 [10 favorites]
"Dinner. One pea. Licked a shred of cheese."
I was raised in a family where Family Dinner was practically a religion, and I believe in it deeply and I hope one day we'll get back there. But so help me God, outsourcing the feeding of that child to an after-school sitter saved my sanity and our relationship. I hear the dejectedness oozing out of that log entry and I am reminded why we did it.
After $interventions, he now eats like a normal kid. Since the early dinners work better for him, we are currently putting our eggs in the Family Breakfast basket. I hope that's good enough. I still hear the little Family Dinner troll sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear every now and then, though.
posted by telepanda at 6:45 AM on July 27, 2016 [10 favorites]
I ordered a slice of pizza cut into "small pieces" and the server delivered it cut into small pieces. I expressed my displeasure that the pizza was not delivered whole, and then emphasized the point by throwing a handful of the pieces onto the floor. I was informed that dinner was postponed and that I could try again later.
The server informed me of the cheese stick special, which I enthusiastically ordered. The cheese stick was submitted for my inspection, and unwrapped when I pronounced it acceptable. The server, however, responded indignantly, launching into a tirade about food waste, when I licked the stick once and declared that I was "all done."
My tortellini arrived in a bowl that was suction-cupped to the table. I placed them, one at a time, onto my right index finger and implored the server to look, because each one was, incredibly, like a ring. The server responded with great enthusiasm at first, enhancing the pleasure of the meal. But by the time I had reached the bottom of the bowl, it seemed that he was no longer experiencing the same delight at the pasta's curious shape. I increased the volume and pitch of my exhortations, but was met only with a withering glance.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:48 AM on July 27, 2016 [25 favorites]
The server informed me of the cheese stick special, which I enthusiastically ordered. The cheese stick was submitted for my inspection, and unwrapped when I pronounced it acceptable. The server, however, responded indignantly, launching into a tirade about food waste, when I licked the stick once and declared that I was "all done."
My tortellini arrived in a bowl that was suction-cupped to the table. I placed them, one at a time, onto my right index finger and implored the server to look, because each one was, incredibly, like a ring. The server responded with great enthusiasm at first, enhancing the pleasure of the meal. But by the time I had reached the bottom of the bowl, it seemed that he was no longer experiencing the same delight at the pasta's curious shape. I increased the volume and pitch of my exhortations, but was met only with a withering glance.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:48 AM on July 27, 2016 [25 favorites]
Not to get serious because this is jokes thread but this website changed our lives re: family dinner. Much less crying and wailing and begging now, and my 2 year old is calmer too.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:53 AM on July 27, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:53 AM on July 27, 2016 [9 favorites]
Ah, blowing on food. My parents spent five years teaching us to do it and then five years teaching us not to.
posted by Segundus at 7:11 AM on July 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Segundus at 7:11 AM on July 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
"After eating what I believed was a reasonable amount of food, I proclaimed to the server I was "all done." I continued to eat, and the server refused to clear my table. I announced again, "all done!" and placed another bite of noodles in my mouth. The server looked at me skeptically. I announced a third time, "ALL DONE" and continued to eat. The server ignored my protestations. In order to get his attention, I threw my milk onto the floor. "all done. hungry!" ★☆☆☆"
posted by the man of twists and turns at 7:19 AM on July 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by the man of twists and turns at 7:19 AM on July 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
Seriously funny, thanks for sharing!
posted by bologna on wry at 7:30 AM on July 27, 2016
posted by bologna on wry at 7:30 AM on July 27, 2016
I graduated from an MBA program that has a student-run parody newspaper where my then 4 year old daughter had a food critic column. During International Day I brought her to school to sample cuisines from about 30 booths carrying foods from around the world. I published her top picks:
3. Plain sticky rice from the Thai booth
2. Plain crackers from the European Cheese Booth (she declared all of the cheese 'yucky')
1. Faygo Black Cherry Pop from the Detroit Booth ("This one. This is my favorite."
"I can only drink a little at a time because if I drink a lot it’s spicy!"
[The critic also used the winner as a dipping sauce])
She was also a big fan of the decor. ([About the multicolored crepe paper streamers] "Wow! That is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen!! It’s got a rainbow and some thingies! I love it!")
posted by Alison at 7:34 AM on July 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
3. Plain sticky rice from the Thai booth
2. Plain crackers from the European Cheese Booth (she declared all of the cheese 'yucky')
1. Faygo Black Cherry Pop from the Detroit Booth ("This one. This is my favorite."
"I can only drink a little at a time because if I drink a lot it’s spicy!"
[The critic also used the winner as a dipping sauce])
She was also a big fan of the decor. ([About the multicolored crepe paper streamers] "Wow! That is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen!! It’s got a rainbow and some thingies! I love it!")
posted by Alison at 7:34 AM on July 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
Be careful what you wish for and all that. My kids are now 20, 21 and 22. They are home for the summer. The boys will come home from work at 5:30, make a 1,000 calorie sandwich and then ask with a straight face, what's for dinner. I go through 2 gallons of milk every 3 days. If they reviewed our meals it would go something like this:
Me: Dinner will be ready in 5 minutes. Please set the table.
Them: Great, How much did you make?
Me: Don't you want to know what I made?
Them: No.
posted by AugustWest at 7:40 AM on July 27, 2016 [17 favorites]
Me: Dinner will be ready in 5 minutes. Please set the table.
Them: Great, How much did you make?
Me: Don't you want to know what I made?
Them: No.
posted by AugustWest at 7:40 AM on July 27, 2016 [17 favorites]
Last night's dinner shenanigans ended in my daughter telling me she wanted a different mommy, so.
posted by town of cats at 7:52 AM on July 27, 2016 [21 favorites]
posted by town of cats at 7:52 AM on July 27, 2016 [21 favorites]
Our newborn says that the menu only seems to ever have two items (hot milk and room temperature milk), and runs unfortunately slow, but at least the waitstaff lets you sleep on them.
posted by joyceanmachine at 8:13 AM on July 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by joyceanmachine at 8:13 AM on July 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
Meanwhile at Chez Fleebnork:
The waiter prepared the mac n cheese and dinosaur shaped chicken that I requested. He informed me that the mac n cheese was hot. When I placed a spoonful in my mouth, I shouted "AAAAA THIS IS HOT!". He then unhelpfully suggested that I blow on it. He rudely reminded me that he warns me about the food being hot "every time."
After finishing the dinosaur shaped chicken, I requested another plate full. The wait staff refused and suggested I have an apple. The nerve!
posted by Fleebnork at 8:35 AM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
The waiter prepared the mac n cheese and dinosaur shaped chicken that I requested. He informed me that the mac n cheese was hot. When I placed a spoonful in my mouth, I shouted "AAAAA THIS IS HOT!". He then unhelpfully suggested that I blow on it. He rudely reminded me that he warns me about the food being hot "every time."
After finishing the dinosaur shaped chicken, I requested another plate full. The wait staff refused and suggested I have an apple. The nerve!
posted by Fleebnork at 8:35 AM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
MetaFilter: small, angry, schizophrenic sociopaths
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:06 AM on July 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:06 AM on July 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
While I think the OP is funny, that struggle is a pretty terrible one and I really feel for people who struggle with kids and eating. We were generally lucky with our kid though there are times...
My wife and I both grew up in households where the family meal was sacred, short order cooking was non-existent and wasting food was a big deal. You didn't eat what was there, well, you didn't eat. Not wanting to be as draconian we relied partially on the French Kids Eat Everything method and carefully managing our expectations regarding behaviour. We also spent some time examining our own food issues and did our best to be mindful to moderate them so that they didn't get passed on. Now with the kid at 7 we rarely have fights regarding meals and trying new things. Usually problems emerge when we go to other people's places so we usually talk it out & come up with strategies before we get there and we find that solves most issues.
Looking quickly through the Ellyn Satter Institute link Potomac Avenue posted above, there is some solid advice there.
posted by Ashwagandha at 12:05 PM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
My wife and I both grew up in households where the family meal was sacred, short order cooking was non-existent and wasting food was a big deal. You didn't eat what was there, well, you didn't eat. Not wanting to be as draconian we relied partially on the French Kids Eat Everything method and carefully managing our expectations regarding behaviour. We also spent some time examining our own food issues and did our best to be mindful to moderate them so that they didn't get passed on. Now with the kid at 7 we rarely have fights regarding meals and trying new things. Usually problems emerge when we go to other people's places so we usually talk it out & come up with strategies before we get there and we find that solves most issues.
Looking quickly through the Ellyn Satter Institute link Potomac Avenue posted above, there is some solid advice there.
posted by Ashwagandha at 12:05 PM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
I can't wait until my daughters can talk so I can have a funny soundtrack to accompany the rejection. Right now all you hear is me or my husband saying "Good, try the pea. Ok, next time let's keep it in your mouth. How about the plum? Want to try that? NO! NO SWEEPIES!*"
*Sweepies are when they decide they are rejecting all the food on their high chair tray regardless of what it is and sweep all of it off with the side of their arm and giggle.
posted by rmless at 12:10 PM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
*Sweepies are when they decide they are rejecting all the food on their high chair tray regardless of what it is and sweep all of it off with the side of their arm and giggle.
posted by rmless at 12:10 PM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
I have never given anyone the finger when they weren't looking as many times as I have done so to my kids.
Mostly because of meals.
The way to guarantee that my son will never eat a food ever again is to buy it in quantity.
Here is a play in 3 acts:
Act I - at home
I offer him the last pluot which he relishes.
"would you like me to get more pluots?"
"Sure! This was great!"
Act II - in the store
to self: "Stuart really liked that pluot. I'll buy some extra."
I buy extra pluots.
Act III - at home
I offer him a pluot.
He declines.
"They taste gross, dad."
Me: exit as if chased by bear
posted by plinth at 12:17 PM on July 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
Mostly because of meals.
The way to guarantee that my son will never eat a food ever again is to buy it in quantity.
Here is a play in 3 acts:
Act I - at home
I offer him the last pluot which he relishes.
"would you like me to get more pluots?"
"Sure! This was great!"
Act II - in the store
to self: "Stuart really liked that pluot. I'll buy some extra."
I buy extra pluots.
Act III - at home
I offer him a pluot.
He declines.
"They taste gross, dad."
Me: exit as if chased by bear
posted by plinth at 12:17 PM on July 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
Somewhere in my parents' house there is VHS footage of 4 y/o me and my mom arguing about breakfast:
Mom: But you like peanut butter toast! You have it every morning!*
Me: (exasperatedly) Yes but I don't like it today.
To this very day if I decline food at their house my parents will roll their eyes and repeat to each other, "Oh, she doesn't like it today."
*approximate English translation
posted by btfreek at 12:42 PM on July 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
Mom: But you like peanut butter toast! You have it every morning!*
Me: (exasperatedly) Yes but I don't like it today.
To this very day if I decline food at their house my parents will roll their eyes and repeat to each other, "Oh, she doesn't like it today."
*approximate English translation
posted by btfreek at 12:42 PM on July 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
The way to guarantee that my son will never eat a food ever again is to buy it in quantity.
We saved the coupons from orange juice cartons until we finally had enough for a free gallon. At breakfast the next day he said "You know I hate orange juice!"
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:10 PM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
We saved the coupons from orange juice cartons until we finally had enough for a free gallon. At breakfast the next day he said "You know I hate orange juice!"
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:10 PM on July 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
We've been working really hard not to make our kids picky eaters, and have mostly succeeded. But I realise that you pick your battles, and investing heavily into the "food and eating" sector means that we don't have the energy left to go 100% in other sectors. Specifically, I think the "tidying up" sector took a hit.
That being said, I'm reminded of the first time our oldest (now 11 yo) had a kindergarten friend home for dinner. We asked the kid if there was anything in particular she couldn't eat (just as a last precaution in case her parents had forgot to tell us) and she pronounced "Yes, I'm allergic to vegetables". This caused some raised eyebrows among us adults, but then again you don't want to kill your kid's first ever dinner guest, however unlikely the "allergy", so we went along and served a potatoes-and-meat meal for her. When she was picked up later by her mum the reaction was somewhere between amused and exasperated ("Yes, of course she would say that. Sorry about that.")
posted by Harald74 at 10:57 PM on July 27, 2016
That being said, I'm reminded of the first time our oldest (now 11 yo) had a kindergarten friend home for dinner. We asked the kid if there was anything in particular she couldn't eat (just as a last precaution in case her parents had forgot to tell us) and she pronounced "Yes, I'm allergic to vegetables". This caused some raised eyebrows among us adults, but then again you don't want to kill your kid's first ever dinner guest, however unlikely the "allergy", so we went along and served a potatoes-and-meat meal for her. When she was picked up later by her mum the reaction was somewhere between amused and exasperated ("Yes, of course she would say that. Sorry about that.")
posted by Harald74 at 10:57 PM on July 27, 2016
The scatterkitten has an amazing gag reflex. He can trigger vomiting on demand. (He used to use it when he was upset about naptime, but not for a while thank goodness.)
The other day we tried to give him some mashed potatoes. (Mashed potatoes! The most innocuous toddler-pap there is!) My spouse got them within a few inches of his face and he started gagging until he threw up his entire cup of milk (that he had already chugged down).
They never touched his lips, people.
posted by Scattercat at 12:53 AM on July 28, 2016
The other day we tried to give him some mashed potatoes. (Mashed potatoes! The most innocuous toddler-pap there is!) My spouse got them within a few inches of his face and he started gagging until he threw up his entire cup of milk (that he had already chugged down).
They never touched his lips, people.
posted by Scattercat at 12:53 AM on July 28, 2016
Social Services is on line one for you, Scattercat.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:42 AM on July 28, 2016
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:42 AM on July 28, 2016
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"The potatoes look great, nice and steamy! Let me take a nice big-- IT'S HOT! THIS FOOD IS TOO HOT TO EAT!!! OUCH! WTF ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO DO?! BURN MY TOUNGE OUT OF MY MOUTH?!?! Hey, waiter, blow on this! Blow on it! Hurry!! ............ Good, okay. Now let me try this again ........ IT'S STILL TOO HOT! YOU DUMB SHIT!! WHAT KIND OF BLOWING WAS THAT??!?! .... What are you doing? .... Getting an ice cube to put in the potatoes? Good thinking. ........ Look at that ice melt! Boy, this is sure a fun dinner! Melt, melt, melt ....... Okay, let me take another taste. I bet-- IT'S TOO COLD AND WET NOW!"
I had this actual thing happen to me recently when my 4 year old niece stayed over. She asked for Coco Pops for breakfast. When I served them she took a spoonful and then looked at me in puzzlement.
"They are cold." She said.
"Well, yes?"
"Mummy makes them hot in the microwave."
"Right ok."
I don't have a microwave so I threw them out and then heated milk in a pan and remade them with hot milk and served them to her while simultaneously making her sister an omelette to her very specific instructions and remembering how much I love them and also that they would be going home soon and I had a new bottle of gin.
"Oh they're really hot."
"That's ok, give them a minute and they'll cool down."
Few minutes later "Will you try them now?"
"They're still too hot."
"Fine, give them a bit longer."
A few minutes later she said to me "Auntie bee, guess what?"
"What?"
"They're too cold now."
"How is it possible for them to go from too hot to too cold instantly? How are they not just warm??"
"I'm not sure."
I gave her toast. She pronounced it delicious.
posted by billiebee at 4:41 AM on July 27, 2016 [27 favorites]