Bivalve EHarmony Ads
August 2, 2016 4:41 PM   Subscribe

Male bivalve looking for female (no hermaphrodites – I’m not prejudiced, just know what I like). Please be into drawing lots of water containing my sperm through your inhalant siphon. Reproduction not the goal for now.
posted by Bella Donna (22 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
OK, I'm not on dating sites or anything like that. So, what could the "One Ocean, One Phylum" refer to?
posted by oddman at 4:48 PM on August 2, 2016


OK is there an eHarmony trope that the "one ocean, one phylum" thing is referencing? It's going over my head.
posted by Space Coyote at 4:48 PM on August 2, 2016


I presumed it was a set up for the ad lower down saying something like, "not interested in one ocean, one phylum types." I haven't been on a dating site in a long time but back when I used my OK Cupid account, there were definitely the "I love all body types, I love all ethnicities" people vs the majority of people, who had specific and detailed criteria. But honestly, I just thought it was funny. Calling eHarmony users: Anybody know this trope? Does it refer to anything specific?
posted by Bella Donna at 4:51 PM on August 2, 2016


One of them says,
Please be a faith-based bivalve who knows who she is and is goal-oriented. (I believe in “one ocean, one phylum.”)
So maybe something religious?
posted by XMLicious at 4:54 PM on August 2, 2016


"One Ocean, One Phylum"

Sounds Phylist to me. Well I for one won't stand for an Ocean free of Chordates!
posted by The Legit Republic of Blanketsburg at 4:54 PM on August 2, 2016 [3 favorites]




Oh geeze, I've been on these sites -- everyone just brags about their mussels.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:29 PM on August 2, 2016 [26 favorites]


"Life’s too short not to use all our openings." Profound, and yet icky.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 5:53 PM on August 2, 2016 [9 favorites]


PS, not interested in brocephalopods with their shirts off or broseidons posing with their latest kill.
posted by Chutzler at 5:54 PM on August 2, 2016 [2 favorites]


I have never excreted something useful :(
posted by ejs at 5:56 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]


Is it a reference to "on man, one woman"?
posted by [insert clever name here] at 6:34 PM on August 2, 2016 [2 favorites]


"One Ocean, One Phylum" seems like it would be 'One World, One People' in human terms, which actually sounds like a good, non-exclusionary ideal but something I don't think I've ever seen advocated in those terms.
Or, maybe it's a molluscology inside joke.
posted by Flashman at 6:47 PM on August 2, 2016


Based on a quick wiki dive, I believe one ocean one phylum refers to the recent retaxonification of the phylum.
posted by rebent at 6:48 PM on August 2, 2016 [4 favorites]


I will never get tired of either deep-cut nerd humor or parodies of dating profiles so this is perfect for me, thanks.
posted by en forme de poire at 8:55 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]


Geoducks? NO THANK YOU.
posted by blue_beetle at 9:07 PM on August 2, 2016 [4 favorites]


I think it's some soft of anti-ecumenicism thing. Googling ecumenicism and "one God one" turned up "One God, One Faith" as a catchphrase. Given eHarmony has kind of a religious bent, I'm guessing these are the "all paths lead to heaven" types vs "Jesus is the only way."

Obligatory Crystal Bernard, as a child, singing about the Ecumenical Movement.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:12 PM on August 2, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'm glad no one else got the "one ocean, one phylum" joke either. Maybe we should email the author?
posted by mr_roboto at 10:16 PM on August 2, 2016


That said, the barnacle bit was golden.
posted by mr_roboto at 10:20 PM on August 2, 2016 [2 favorites]


GenjiandProust, you've reminded me of a joke:

One fish says to the other "do you want to go to the disco tonight"
The other fish says "nah, last time I went I pulled a mussel"
posted by Ned G at 1:36 AM on August 3, 2016 [7 favorites]


Does "one phylum one ocean" really need to be riffing off of some specific human dating trend? These are bivalves after all, not humans. I would expect their dating websites to have some stuff rather impenetrable
posted by rebent at 6:53 AM on August 3, 2016


From an academic colleague of a friend of a friend:
this summer my experiment comprised collecting all (so i thought) Pisaster (the most commonly known seastar affected by the wasting disease that has devastated coastal communities past 2 years) from a 2km stretch of San Juan Island. we intended to put them back after the heat stress experiment. typically each was ~50-100m from the next, so even if they survived we thought perhaps no reproduction was possible. so, not scientifically informed but good guesswork, we decided to put them back in an echinoderm dating array….. (and the heat stress caused many to spawn so we knew sex!)
posted by morspin at 9:59 AM on August 3, 2016


I would expect their dating websites to have some stuff rather impenetrable

Hard-shelled, even...
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:14 PM on August 3, 2016


« Older $4,100 Gets You 6 Almonds   |   "Right here in the tree, my man." Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments