"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses."

August 23, 2016 9:20 AM

Masai Graham has won the annual Edinburgh Fringe Festival's best joke competition, with "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart."

Previous discussions of winners.

posted by Etrigan (49 comments total)

As usual, a lot of the runners up are much funnier to me than the winner.

I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.
posted by roll truck roll at 9:34 AM on August 23, 2016 [18 favorites]

#4 is the winner for me.

"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" puzzles me. I can sort of see "toddler" and "Tudor" being homophones, but it feels like I might be reaching. Any ideas?
posted by figurant at 9:46 AM on August 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

"Chewed her"
posted by pipeski at 9:47 AM on August 23, 2016 [13 favorites]

Oh, that makes way more sense.
posted by figurant at 9:48 AM on August 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

It's nice to see Graham win this year after he was a runner-up in last year's list. I love these -- except for the Tudor one, which I didn't get at all (thank you, figurant and pipeski!).
posted by gladly at 9:50 AM on August 23, 2016

Oh, I thought it was "Because he stewed her." Would the "ch" sound necessary for the Tudor/chewed-her pun to work be normal pronunciation?
posted by the sobsister at 9:52 AM on August 23, 2016

or because he's 'two, dear'
posted by zenwerewolf at 9:52 AM on August 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

#10 is great.
posted by UltraMorgnus at 9:55 AM on August 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

Adele Cliff telling the Tudor joke. She leans on the TU --> TYEW --> CHEW transition a bit more there.
posted by Etrigan at 9:55 AM on August 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Another view, via surrealistic performer Will Franken: The Edinburgh Fringe is such a boring combination of safe, stale jokes that I'm giving out awards for outstanding mediocrity.
posted by larrybob at 9:59 AM on August 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

Would the "ch" sound necessary for the Tudor/chewed-her pun to work be normal pronunciation?

Yep. But there's a lot of regional variation in the way British people would say 'Tudor' or 'Tuesday'.

'Tyew-der' would be a rather posh way to pronounce it. Someone from the West Country might pronounce it 'Too-der', which is closer (I would imagine) to a typical American pronunciation.

Most Brits would go with something approximating 'Chew-der'.
posted by pipeski at 10:00 AM on August 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

Yeah, #10 for me, too. I'm sure I've heard #1 before.

From the Groan-Worthy winners (although most of the top 15 are groaners, IMO):

"In France, J-Lo is called 'I have water.'"
posted by Huck500 at 10:08 AM on August 23, 2016 [9 favorites]

When I encounter people who enjoy puns, I get a brief, chilling taste of what it must be like to confront a truly alien intelligence.
posted by eotvos at 10:13 AM on August 23, 2016 [21 favorites]

That Clinton joke is how I imagine Sean Hannity is when he really cuts loose. Still not funny, but with the shape of humor.
posted by munchingzombie at 10:13 AM on August 23, 2016 [9 favorites]

When I encounter people who enjoy puns

Only five of the fifteen are actual puns, and only if you include the "brexit" one. They're all one-liners, yes, but that's the point of the competition.
posted by yhbc at 10:18 AM on August 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

You can definitely find precedents for #3 on r/jokes. I don't have a problem with that, but it stood out me as possibly the least original of the selections.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 10:24 AM on August 23, 2016

When I encounter people who enjoy puns

Puns are like sour balls. The more terrible they are, the more enjoyable.
posted by bondcliff at 10:26 AM on August 23, 2016 [7 favorites]

"When I encounter people who enjoy puns, I get a brief, chilling taste of what it must be like to confront a truly alien intelligence."

You sound like you're against capital punishment.
posted by I-baLL at 10:28 AM on August 23, 2016 [8 favorites]

Only five of the fifteen are actual puns

No argument here. I thought several of the jokes on the list were very funny. Even the common sayings interpreted in unexpected ways were all quite good.

But, that Tudors and Marmite and soya made it to the top of anyone's list is a clear indication that human beings are more diverse than we sometimes pretend. To me they don't just land in the "this isn't very funny" category, they go all the way beyond that to "it's fascinating that anyone thinks this is funny" category. To me, they're not bad; they're bizarre. That's a great thing, worth celebrating. Anthropology doesn't make me laugh as much humor, but it remains interesting for much longer.
posted by eotvos at 10:28 AM on August 23, 2016 [6 favorites]

yeah, if my first reaction to a pun is NO HOW DARE YOU then it's pretty much the best thing ever.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:29 AM on August 23, 2016 [24 favorites]

Eliding the "s" of "he's" with the beginning of "Tudor" helps makes the joke work too. Hence "he's tyew-dor" becomes "he chewed her".

Have we explained this into the ground yet? I think we probably have.
posted by Paul Slade at 10:29 AM on August 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

The question's in the present tense, so "he's chewed her" makes good sense.
posted by ambrosen at 10:33 AM on August 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

not to threadshit, but

I used to thread-shit, but then I stopped eating so much yarn. I never used to let reality stand in the way of a good yarn, but now if I see reality, and it's standing in the way of a good yarn, I just eat the reality instead. And that's when shit got real. But, to be honest - who the hell is actually surprised when shit gets real? Who are all these people doing fake shits, for fuck's sake? If I went to the toilet and a fake shit came out, THAT would be something to tell people about - "Hey, shit just got FAKE!"

OK thanks you've been a really great audience, vote #1!
posted by the quidnunc kid at 10:33 AM on August 23, 2016 [67 favorites]

As well as all these dad-worthy jokes, I love that Masai Graham's day job is working in a care home for autistic youth and this is just something he does for fun.
posted by Flashman at 10:45 AM on August 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" isn't remotely new. Back in '12, Phil Lamarr did an AMA interview where he said,"I really enjoyed the work we did in the first two years of MadTV. Unfortunately, I was on it for 5."
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:48 AM on August 23, 2016

The winner isn't even an original joke, though.

*stomps away*
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:50 AM on August 23, 2016

I'm sure that happily married joke has been popular since 12 AD.

Googling "happily married for" years joke returns five or so tellings of that joke on the first page of results.
posted by little onion at 10:52 AM on August 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best version I've seen, for its more subtle deployment of the twist, comes from kickasshumor.com:

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004.
posted by little onion at 10:55 AM on August 23, 2016 [10 favorites]

Masai Graham might not be a full time comic, but working in a home for autistic young adults could well give him some excellent people to refine jokes with, depending on how much the people living in the home communicate verbally.
posted by ambrosen at 11:11 AM on August 23, 2016

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. Both were after our divorce.
Oh, I guess that needs "ex" to make sense. Forget it.
posted by sylvanshine at 11:20 AM on August 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

When I encounter people who enjoy puns, I get a brief, chilling taste of what it must be like to confront a truly alien intelligence.

The Bugle's Andy Zaltzman goes on epic fish-themed pun run

The Bugle's Andy Zaltzman goes on a tree-themed pun run

The Bugle Podcast - Andy's Presidential Puns
posted by Pendragon at 11:21 AM on August 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

The Americans and Canadians one is probably my favorite with this one a close second:

9."Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
posted by latkes at 11:23 AM on August 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Have we explained this into the ground yet?

Yes, it's been tudover enough.
posted by Segundus at 12:10 PM on August 23, 2016 [7 favorites]

I liked #13, it's in a different vein from all the others.
posted by Dr Dracator at 12:11 PM on August 23, 2016

He's Tudor Gothic Style, than Chicago Schooled her.
posted by artdrectr at 12:29 PM on August 23, 2016

Only five of the fifteen are actual puns

So, on average, one in three is a turd?
posted by rocket88 at 12:30 PM on August 23, 2016 [10 favorites]

OK, the Liverpool pub quiz one is actually pretty funny. The Brexit one has already been told in a bunch of different ways.


Here's my Brexit joke:

"I want to clear up one of the biggest misconceptions about this whole Brexit thing.

It's actually pronounced with more of a 'ch' sound."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:52 PM on August 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

#4 is the winner for me.

Same here. 13 and 14 are pretty good as well, though. (And I think the "Abba trois" one is a pretty decent pun as well.)

I seem to recall a Richard Wiseman doing a "world's funniest joke" search and noticing the same thing that some of the commenters here have picked up on. I.e., the winner of the competition wasn't anybody's number one joke, it was just a joke that the largest number of judges felt was pretty alright.
posted by tobascodagama at 2:13 PM on August 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was hoping some of them would tickle my funny bone, but no pun in ten did.
posted by DreamerFi at 2:14 PM on August 23, 2016 [14 favorites]

Can you imagine a worse torment than being a judge who has to whittle down a list of jokes from which these were the best 10?
posted by shmegegge at 2:44 PM on August 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

My favorite: "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask."
posted by salvia at 4:55 PM on August 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

(Though, is that punching down? I don't really think the point is to make fun of schizophrenic people, but maybe it is.)
posted by salvia at 4:57 PM on August 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

These jokes are terrible. Therefore here's 50 minutes more of them.
posted by Pyrogenesis at 4:58 PM on August 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

Only five of the fifteen are actual puns

So, on average, one in three is a turd?

Yes, every turd one.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 6:48 PM on August 23, 2016 [4 favorites]

Rectum?
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:49 PM on August 23, 2016

I noticed my subconscious was judging them - I imagined the Joker saying some and the Riddler saying others.
posted by BiggerJ at 11:28 PM on August 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

Rectum?

No, they're still good.
posted by deadwax at 12:07 AM on August 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

Rectum?

"Yes, miss. Blew 'em to pieces."
posted by Paul Slade at 12:48 AM on August 24, 2016

Milton Jones is great for a variety of one-liners - punny, whimsical, surreal e.g.

"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."
posted by Jakey at 1:54 PM on August 24, 2016 [5 favorites]