"This isn’t some smug tirade against a widely beloved populist icon."
September 8, 2016 11:31 AM   Subscribe

 
All those ideas for ways to drink coke and it complete omits putting peanuts in them?
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:42 AM on September 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


This article started off as too bubbly and too insistent, was just right in the middle and end, and finished before it delivered too much sweetness or got flat—just like my Platonic ideal of Coca-Cola, drunk from a 6-ounce glass deposit bottle cooled in the fridge of my grandfather's un-airconditioned metal shop in the Virginia summer heat.

Chris Gethard is 100% correct when he says that wiping the condensation off the glass is key.
posted by infinitewindow at 11:45 AM on September 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


All the Cokes are the same and all the Cokes are good.

Fountain vs. can vs. Mexican bottle says otherwise.
posted by grumpybear69 at 11:47 AM on September 8, 2016 [17 favorites]


What hath David Foster Wallace wrought??
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:50 AM on September 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


You don't need to be a Coke snob to know that Coke made with actual sugar ("Mexican" coke, or pretty much all Coke sold outside of the US) tastes far superior to Coke made with High Fructose Corn Syrup. Like, it's not even close. It's not "hipster" Coke. It's what every other non-American thinks of as Coke.
posted by monospace at 11:51 AM on September 8, 2016 [34 favorites]


I've never imbibed a carbonated beverage, including Coke, and have no plans to ever try. There are (were?) dozens of us. Dozens!
posted by sockermom at 11:52 AM on September 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


My grandfather refused to drink Coke because they had a secret recipe. Clearly they had something to hide.
posted by RobotHero at 11:54 AM on September 8, 2016 [13 favorites]


I've never imbibed a carbonated beverage, including Coke, and have no plans to ever try. There are (were?) dozens of us. Dozens!

I could understand your position if beer didn't exist but it does!
posted by srboisvert at 11:55 AM on September 8, 2016 [16 favorites]


By mid-grade school, I was not drinking Coke in the same sanctimonious way as the kid who fake coughs at smokers outside the supermarket. I was that kid too.

I snort-laughed at that one. (Emphasis mine)
posted by supercres at 11:55 AM on September 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


Always fun to see how far people got in reading the article before they comment
posted by The Whelk at 11:56 AM on September 8, 2016 [8 favorites]


I was kind of disappointed when she liked it, and not just because I want company in my cola-hating ways.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:57 AM on September 8, 2016


I love Coke. I'm a fan.

Her point about the impossibility of knowing the One True Coke is a good one. I am definitely a Mexican Coke appreciator, as it tastes closest to what I remember from childhood. Coke Zero is also good, in my view.

A lot of this article is a rehash of reporting that's happened elsewhere, with a hefty dose of navel gaze ("it seemed more narratively earnest to fabricate in foresight a few paragraphs of bicycling than feign curiosity in hindsight") plus some liberal-arts-school postmodernist ruminations like "The magic of the so-called Coca-Cola System is how it warps and folds back itself to realize conflicting ideals: local autonomy and global legibility, endogenous individualism and harmless universality....a kind of Theseus’ paradox..."

If you go around asking what Coca-Cola tastes like, the response you’ll likely get is that it tastes like Coca-Cola.

It tastes like a lot of things, which is why it's hard to describe. It really is a singular combination. I once read a great piece in the New Yorker by a flavor chemist who described Coke in these transcendent terms as a "perfectly balanced" mix of citrus sour and sugar sweetness, with strong bursts of bright ginger and molasses, a hint of salt followed by the quench of clear water. It's that complexity that makes it amazingly good, and it's also why it stays good from the first/coldest sip to the warm, flat dregs, or watered-down half-icy slosh. It changes character like a wine.

It’s hilarious to imagine a purpose-built vault ostentatiously protecting a tiny scrap of paper,


Well, hilarious or not, I've seen it. It is a little over the top, plus, I doubt the recipe is really in there. Who knows; maybe. The worst part, though, is that when you see it you are promised that they will reveal the "secret ingredient" in the Coke recipe.

[[[SPOILER]]]

The secret ingredient is you.
posted by Miko at 12:00 PM on September 8, 2016 [19 favorites]


Always fun to see how far people got in reading the article before they comment

It's like this:
Some of us define ourselves by never having drunk sugar water; others of us by never once having read TFA.
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:03 PM on September 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


It's not "hipster" Coke.

If there is anything more hipster than slamming people for making some kind of fetishized deal out of Mexican Coke (which I agree is just Coke), it's tracking down the one old small bottling plant in a Rust Belt county because it has a similar sugar-based recipe and is US-made, only to reject it...because it doesn't come in glass.
posted by Miko at 12:03 PM on September 8, 2016 [9 favorites]


Coke made with actual sugar [...] tastes far superior to Coke made with High Fructose Corn Syrup

The Food Lab disagrees.

But anyway, the ideal Coke, in my world, is a can on the edge of frozen drunk immediately upon waking after a night of too-much-to-drink, usually washing down a couple of ibuprofen. Hopefully followed by going back to sleep. Second-place is a Coke Slurpee.

Also, man, this is really some epic shaggy-dog navel-gazing.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:04 PM on September 8, 2016 [10 favorites]


There's the problem with trying to nail down hipster tastes. If I were asked, I would opine that it would either be artisan small batch regionally sourced farm to table cola, like Fentiman's Curiosity, or it would be Dr. Cola bought at a WalMart.
posted by maxsparber at 12:06 PM on September 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


Approaching age 50, have never been drunk. Also have never watched a baseball, football, basketball, or hockey game, live or on television. And have never owned a smart phone. Please let me know where I go to collect my So Amazingly Different prize money.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 12:06 PM on September 8, 2016 [6 favorites]


There was something I really liked about this article: the collage art. Seriously, great stuff.
posted by Miko at 12:07 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Always fun to see how far people got in reading the article before they comment

Yup. I got to the place where I first snort-laughed.

I love Coke. Can't drink it anymore. (You're welcome, teeth.) Replaced with cold brew coffee.

It makes me a terrible Coke fan that my favorite is also a can of HFCS American Coke as-cold-as-possible-without-freezing.

Fountain is good but depends on the place, like draft beer. Also ice quality.
posted by supercres at 12:08 PM on September 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


This article, so beanplate. The best cola is if you're a goddamned cola caffeine junkie like I am and you haven't had fix in too long and AHHHH, FEEED MY ADDICTION, CARMEL-COLORED DIET BEVERAGE, NOM NOM NOM. This is a non-trivial reason I've avoided harder drugs. Also, Coke sucks. Emacs and Pepsi 4 Life!!
posted by Ogre Lawless at 12:10 PM on September 8, 2016 [5 favorites]


Fountain is good but depends on the place, like draft beer. Also ice quality.

So true. The syrup/soda mix is everything. Personally, I love crushed ice best, or even rare, shaved. I did like learning some ice trivia in this article ("chewblets").
posted by Miko at 12:11 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


So, because there are probably a bunch of cola enthusiasts reading this thread: Are there any nationally-distributed artisinal hipster colas that really taste like cola? Back in the day Friendly restaurants had a house cola with so much more flavor than Coke and Pepsi, which are more "sickly sweet with a faint hint of cola" by comparison. The closest thing I know of to the Friendly Cola flavor I remember are Cola-flavored Bottlecaps candies.
posted by usonian at 12:12 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


I like Fentiman's.

Coke:
Fountain, waxed paper cup, slightly under the 5:1 ratio, chewblet ice. Walking on the Promenade as the sun sets.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 12:14 PM on September 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


Are there any nationally-distributed artisinal hipster colas that really taste like cola?

Maybe one of these
posted by thelonius at 12:18 PM on September 8, 2016


I worked Help Desk my senior year of college, and the manager used to bring back cases and cases of soda from Sam's Club every time he went. I drank so much Dr. Thunder that year.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:20 PM on September 8, 2016


Approaching age 50, have never been drunk. Also have never watched a baseball, football, basketball, or hockey game, live or on television. And have never owned a smart phone. Please let me know where I go to collect my So Amazingly Different prize money.

It's available via an iOS or Android app, and you can get the Secret Code by purchasing a beer at the local sports arena.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:22 PM on September 8, 2016 [6 favorites]


i just want to know when they're going to start selling coke blak again
posted by burgerrr at 12:24 PM on September 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


>It's available via an iOS or Android app, and you can get the Secret Code by purchasing a beer at the local sports arena.

CURSE YOU RED BARON
posted by Sing Or Swim at 12:24 PM on September 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


Vanilla Coke was the BOMB, by the way. Naturally they quit making it when they found out I liked it.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 12:25 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


I recently accidentally took a big swig of Coke after years of not drinking anything sweet... Bloom County had it right. Malted battery acid.
posted by Huck500 at 12:27 PM on September 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


Vanilla Coke was the BOMB, by the way. Naturally they quit making it when they found out I liked it.

As of 2016, at least, it has been relaunched in US, UK, and Canada.
posted by Doc Ezra at 12:29 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


"The dilemma remains. Coke or Pepsi? Or do we overlook an even more vital national issue?"
"Yes. Both taste like malted battery acid."

- Berke Breathed

...she quotes, as she drinks from a squat bottle of lemon-lime flavored Original New York Seltzer purchased at a specialty soda shop. Coke? Mexican Coke? Pish tosh. I'll have a bottle of small-batch almond creme soda made by Colorado dwarves, thank you very much.

Also I really like Pig Iron Cola and Fitz' Hip Hop Pop when it comes to Artisinal Colas. Boylan's ain't half bad either, and is pretty easy to find in my experience.
posted by egypturnash at 12:34 PM on September 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


I thought sure this was going to be about a Coca-Cola-sponsored abstinence campaign. Some new scheme to get corporate sponsorship for not having sex.
posted by straight at 12:35 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Like the author's, my childhood was filled with processed foods and "food stuffs" with flavors created in a science lab, but for one difference: I drank a million gallons (est.) of Coke in my youth. My family didn't have much money and so cheap, generic everything was in our cupboards and fridge, save Coke. No off brand would do. We turned up our noses at Shasta, RC Cola, and even Jolt (and forget about Pepsi) in favor of our beloved sugar water. Looking back, I shudder at the amount of Coke we consumed, but at the time, it was just normal. I recall our heartfelt dismay at the vileness of New Coke, and our genuine relief at the return of Coke (as "Coke Classic"). Coffee started to replace Coke in college, and nowadays I'll have a bottle of Mexican Coke only once every three months or so, but I still have a nostalgic yearning for an icy Coke on a super hot day.
posted by but no cigar at 12:36 PM on September 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


While black coffee remains my constant companion. I have a weakness for coke as a special treat.

Diet coke, pebble ice, styrofoam cup. As it dilutes, it gets closer and closer to being just barely diet coke-tainted water. Perfection.

I find that styrofoam makes the difference for me, even though its long been vilified, it has the best overall flavor.
posted by AN-DD-YYYY at 12:40 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


You don't need to go to Mexico, you people are just drinking the wrong beverage.

DUBLIN DR PEPPER

It's Glorious. The bottles are even the right size!

on edit: Oh My God. Those bastards killed it. WTH is the matter with you Snapple?!
posted by leotrotsky at 12:41 PM on September 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


Drinking Coke out of a cold glass bottle is second only to drinking coffee out of a thick, round-lipped ceramic diner mug in terms of beverage-delivery satisfaction.
posted by straight at 12:42 PM on September 8, 2016 [6 favorites]


the same sanctimonious way as the kid who fake coughs at smokers outside the supermarket.

Obviously I can't speak for Jamie Lauren Keiles, but I wish he or she would return the favor and not pretend to speak for the rest of us who are genuinely coughing when that horrible s*** hits our throats and lungs.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:44 PM on September 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


The bottles are even the right size!
I am absolutely not a sanctimonious "I don't drink soda anymore" person, but... I don't drink soda much anymore because it's really hard to find reasonably portioned bottled or fountain soda anywhere, and I hate throwing away like 3/4 of a drink (when I manage the self-control not to drink all of it).

6.5 oz glass bottles would be the perfect size for an occasional indulgence, but of course Coke stopped making them in 2012 (and it looks like the same is true for Dublin Dr. Pepper.)
posted by usonian at 12:50 PM on September 8, 2016


I drink about 3 sodas per year, and they are root beer, with vanilla ice cream in them. Ahhh! Otherwise no soda. I keep the coffee industry in business.
posted by Oyéah at 12:53 PM on September 8, 2016


Yeah, I had a couple of rum & Cokes when in college, but beyond that never had a soda in my life. (Okay, once had a few sips of a Fanta in central Africa because it was the only cold drink available.) I genuinely do not understand why anyone finds it pleasant to drink a carbonated beverage of any kind, including sparkling water. Even Champagne, I can only manage a few sips. Why do you people like those bubbles?!?
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:54 PM on September 8, 2016


I don't like sugary drinks; but in something like seltzer water or beer, the carbonation works really well to cut through accumulated cloying "thirst-gunk" in my mouth and throat and give instant refreshment on a hot day. Water's ok, but nothing beats carbonation in that regard.

That said, most carbonated beverages (outside of beer) are so over-carbonated that I have to shake/carefully bleed pressure/repeat a few times to get it down to non-lethal levels of bubbliness.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:59 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


I would like to take a moment to speak up for the soda drinkers. I love soda. LOVE IT. In high school, I drank a two liter every single day of my life, including days I was in school and not home to drink it for hours. I've consumed more than half a 12 pack of cans easily in a day. Soda is sweet and delicious and the bubbles feel great. I try to restrict my drinking now, because I know it's bad for me and whatever, but it is SO GOOD.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:02 PM on September 8, 2016 [7 favorites]


Is this a place where I can share the fact that McDonald's fountain Coke is the WORST? I don't know WHY it seems so radically different than "real" Coke to me, but it tastes like the ass end of a thing with two asses.
posted by ersatzkat at 1:07 PM on September 8, 2016 [5 favorites]


It's awful, but their fountain Sprite can cure hangovers if you get the largest available size and lots of biscuits.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:08 PM on September 8, 2016 [3 favorites]


That is a beautifully written piece. It got my dander up just enough to keep me going, but it did it so charmingly I couldn't be too mad. And I don't even have strong opinions about sody pop.

THAT SAID, I've been in a lot of those 'pretentious' roles, and it is ridiculous how often the pretense was geared toward avoiding stereotype threat and avoiding those topics because people would get super-defensive.

True story: After knowing some guy for I shit you not an entire decade, I let it slip that I use Linux pretty much exclusively. He instantly flipped the fuck out, accusing me of proselytizing and being a horrible pretentious snob. I'd been using it all the time, but I guess I was just biding my time, waiting for him to mention some software that wasn't available for my platform so I could drop the bomb.

I was also vegetarian for quite a while, and I didn't have a TV for long stretches. And I'd often go to great lengths to avoid broaching those topics, because so many people would take instant offense, as though I was doing those things AT them. Hell, I had people accuse me of child abuse for not having a TV when my kid was little.

So when they did come up, I'd make excuses like "Oh, meat doesn't sit well with me," or "My house is too small to really be able to work in a TV without having it dominate." But that wasn't entirely true. I actually had, like, serious ethical reasons for that stuff! That doesn't mean I'm judging other people for not making them, but people would just assume that, so I'd go to some pretty great lengths not to let those things slip.

But after a while, it really started to bug me how defensive people would get about that stuff. I don't get mad at people for personal choices that don't affect me. Why do people identify so strongly with what are supposed to be optional consumer choices that they insult people who opt out? That just makes me want to avoid those things all the more.

I am just through giving a shit if people think I'm smug or pretentious just for doing things the way I choose. I'm not judging people who make different choices, but I do judge people who take those things as a personal insult.

Also, my husband has never been in a Walmart. He is welcome to go to one if he chooses, though, just as long as he lets me know ahead of time so I can have his things ready for him out on the lawn when he gets back.
posted by ernielundquist at 1:08 PM on September 8, 2016 [10 favorites]


I had a coke today. Ordinarily, I'm more of a Mountain Dew guy, but my workplace vending machine has no Dew and I needed a caffeine fix. It was good.
posted by jonmc at 1:10 PM on September 8, 2016


Cola product. Black can. Called Fukk.
posted by Itaxpica at 1:12 PM on September 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


(And uncleozzy, thank you for posting that food lab link. I wish there was a way to automatically inject it in to any conversation about Coke. Sugar vs HFCS doesn't make a difference here! It's all in your head! Flavor and aesthetics are inextricably intertwined! It's all a house of caaaaaaaaaaards)
posted by Itaxpica at 1:14 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


I love you all!
posted by clavdivs at 1:16 PM on September 8, 2016


There’s nothing more to say except that Coke tastes like Coke.

Here's Portugal's story. In 1927 Coca-Cola wanted to launch in Portugal. They commissioned famous poet Fernando Pessoa to write them a slogan. He came up with “Primeiro estranha-se, depois entranha-se”, which loosely and unpoetically translated means "First it's weird, then you get used to it/can't get enough of it." That was Coke's slogan. Within 2 years it was banned in Portugal because of its links to cocaine and because the slogan seemed to confirm that it was addictive. Coke wasn't reintroduced until 1977, 3 years after the Revolution of the Carnations that ended 5 decades of rightist dictatorship. Coca-Cola, available in neighboring Spain for much of the Salazar years, had become a coveted thing, smuggled in and much talked-about. When reintroduced, the slogan was "A tal, agora em Portugal", in the spirit of "the Real Thing", more like "the one," hinting at "the one you've been talking about." People of a certain age still drink it medicinally, in very small (20 cl) bottles.
posted by chavenet at 1:23 PM on September 8, 2016 [7 favorites]


33 here and never had a coke either. Had an accidental sip of Sprite as a kid, hated the carbonation and avoided all sodas/soft drinks ever since.
posted by paulcole at 1:26 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Those of you who can't stand carbonation: maybe you just need to do some weightlifting. (1981 soda commercial with Ahh-nold)
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:12 PM on September 8, 2016


"...while a common route to vanilla is through the anal glands of a beaver with a yellowish secretion known as castoreum."
Seems suspect, till I came across this totally legit transcript from Coke HQ in Atlanta:
"Johnson, we need a great vanilla flavor for our cola. What are our options?"

"Well, Mr Boss, we can either harvest readily-available vanilla beans to extract flavor, buy cheap, synthetic vanillin that's trivial to produce or focus our efforts to manually milk the anal glands of beavers, that sorta resemble vanilla at enormous labor expense while risking a public relations nightmare if the recipe was ever found out."

"Hmmm. All good points, Johnson. Lets go with the beaver ass juice, I want only the best for our product. Sure its expensive, gross and vaguely tastes like flavor we are trying achieve, but where most men see a challenge, I see opportunity."

"Sir, there are not enough beavers in the whole of human history to possibly meet our demand!"

"Johnson, you either have a tanker truck brimming vanillcious beaver butt secretions in my factory by Monday or find yourself a new line of work!" And while you're at it, I want all our Carmel coloring to be derived from cochineal. Well Johnson, don't just stand there with our mouth open, get the hell out of my office and get to work! AND CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND YOU! I have spend the rest of the day snorting all this surplus cocaine off my desk."
I'm putting castoreum in the same category as the "fast food companies us an ingredient that's also used in yoga mats! Are we eating yoga mats?" article that was floating around a few years back or any article about MSG.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:14 PM on September 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


McDonald's fountain Coke is the WORST? I don't know WHY it seems so radically different than "real" Coke to me

Here are some reasons why it tastes different in case anyone is curious:
  • Unlike other fountain soda dispensers, McDonald's attempts to create the taste of Coke in a bottle rather than another fountain.
  • McDonald's pre-chills both the water and the Coca-Cola syrup
  • The ratio of syrup is set differently in other places, supposedly to allow for the ice melting in your Coke while you are eating.
  • The syrup is also usually fresher because McDonald's goes through so god damn much AND McDonald's gets their syrup delivered specially, rather than the bag boxes used by other retailers.
  • The McDonald's straw is slightly wider than most straws, so you're maybe tasting more of it and noticing the imperfections (this one came from the McDonald's website - the straw width, not my editorializing - so take it with a grain of salt for your fries)
I've consumed more than half a 12 pack of cans easily in a day

A six pack even?!

(Sorry dude, I know what you meant. I too love pop, which is partially why I have so much on-hand knowledge about McDonald's Coke process.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:21 PM on September 8, 2016 [11 favorites]


My 11 year daughter was kept away from caffeinated drinks when younger and except for one accidental sip of a friend's drink has never had Coke or any other cola and has no inclination to drink it So she may join the ranks of non coke-drinking adults at some point.

One omission; while I agree that Coke is best drunk ice cold out of a glass bottle after working up a good sweat, they left out the best example of this technique.

(I unfortunately can't find it online, but I remember a bloopers/outtakes show from at least 25-30 years ago where on one take Mean Joe Greene says "hey kid!" and instead of tossing him the jersey lets out a tremendous belch. It was hilarious! I guess he really was chugging a whole bottle.)
posted by TedW at 2:23 PM on September 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


First time? And you want to experience it best? No other way -- glass bottle Mexican Coke, cold as can be. It is The Best. It is The Drink Of My Youth. I have maybe two them a year, a treat.

That said, I have drank *thousands* of Diet Cokes. Few in recent years, but still -- probably 20 a year, maybe 30. Aluminum can or plastic bottle. Terrifying to consider what kind of chemical stew that stuff really is, what kind of toxins I've dumped into my body. It's disgusting. Revolting. But I love the shit.
posted by dancestoblue at 2:36 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


I was 25 or so when I first tried Coke. Tried Pepsi too, and decided I preferred that (well, the diet one, anyway). Somehow developed a 6 litre a day habit after that, which led to sleeping about four hours a night and developing an anxiety disorder (I'm sure it was related).

Twenty years later, I still like a drop of Pepsi, although I'm down to a litre or so a day, and never after 3pm, because caffeine seems to disrupt my sleep even 8 hours later.

I still haven't decided whether I like the taste, though.
posted by pipeski at 2:43 PM on September 8, 2016


Has anyone else gotten this earworm from all the talk about bubbles and aluminum or glass?

How about now?

Good luck, everyone.
posted by ernielundquist at 2:57 PM on September 8, 2016


i'm going to assert that rc cola was not an off brand, but something that was bought purely because it was really good (within the cola is good context). i have no idea if that is still the case, but it was a welcome addition to the after activity coolers that would normally have the shasta or store brand cola.
posted by lescour at 2:59 PM on September 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


You don’t just give up being Catholic...

I beg to differ.
posted by Splunge at 3:04 PM on September 8, 2016


I am absolutely not a sanctimonious "I don't drink soda anymore" person, but... I don't drink soda much anymore
That seems like a reason to be more sanctimonious, to me. Alcohol is famously addictive, so I go cold-turkey for a month or two occasionally, to make sure I'm not becoming too habituated, and it feels trivially easy. I once went cold-turkey from Coke for the same length of time for the same reason, and dear God why did I choose to deprive myself of the sweet nectar of life when will this be over what am I trying to prove?!

One more taste...

People tell me the cravings go away after 6 months or so...
posted by roystgnr at 3:10 PM on September 8, 2016


I only read this article in the hope that she would experience the best possible coke which is obviously McDonald's coke and then I come to find out you people are specifically calling out McDonald's coke as the worst possible coke???? I feel like I woke up in an alternate universe what is even happening
posted by tatiana wishbone at 3:11 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


I unfortunately can't find it online, but I remember a bloopers/outtakes show from at least 25-30 years ago where on one take Mean Joe Greene says "hey kid!" and instead of tossing him the jersey lets out a tremendous belch

Now you have me remembering a version from a sketch show (maybe Not Necessarily the News?) in which Greene (or an actor portraying him) after downing the soda says "Hey kid, catch!" and instead of throwing his towel, tosses the empty bottle which shatters on the kid's head. Child me was roaring with laughter at that bit.
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:20 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


I once went cold-turkey from Coke for the same length of time for the same reason, and dear God why did I choose to deprive myself of the sweet nectar of life when will this be over what am I trying to prove?!

Cravings induced by sugar are comparable to those induced by addictive drugs like cocaine and nicotine.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:41 PM on September 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


I had to give up Coke last spring, cold turkey, doctor's orders. I used to drink it so often that my idle fingers still rest in the shape around where a can would be.

These accounts of drinking it icy cold are making my toes curl with yearning.
posted by mochapickle at 3:44 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Two things: Pepsi Max is the best possible cola, and also, I have never drunk Coors.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:49 PM on September 8, 2016


Oh, Coke (and every other kind of soda) is so nasty. And I say this as someone who lived for Coke. It was my favorite thing, for years and years and years. When I finally broke away from my demonic parents who would only let me have it in restaurants, I drank it constantly. I took the "Pepsi challenge" and failed because I loved Coke so devotedly. My friend and I called it "the elixir of life." I was wrenched, broken, unhinged when "New Coke" happened. Then about 20 years ago I quit it and after a while I found out I couldn't go back to it. Even when I had to fat up for a biggest loser contest. There was real money on the line and I needed to gain. I went and bought the Mexican sugarcoke in case it made a difference. Nope: I was still holding my nose and choking the stuff down. Even frozen-in-the-freezer bottles, the used-to-be apex of enjoyment, were not what they had been. So somehow I broke my Coke yen, seemingly forever. I just pray that it's going to be the same with cigarettes; I quit fooling with them four years ago, but don't have the courage to see if I legit hate them forever.

(It's not just that it's too sweet, either, because it hasn't happened and never will happen with Hershey's chocolate. That will always taste like pure bliss.)
posted by Don Pepino at 3:55 PM on September 8, 2016


I hate the Freestyle machines because usually all I want is a Coke and what comes out is some mysterious concoction with detuned radio flavors.

And the ideal amount is either 6 ounces, or a gas station cup that contains a half-day's worth of calories.
posted by Standard Orange at 4:15 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


With everyone dropping names on cool handmade colas like Fentimans or whatever the hip kids drink today, I would like to point out that cola along with a lot of other junk food is intentionally made someone on the bland side. If it was made with gusto and punch, due to olfactory/flavor fatigue, it would be come less enjoyable over time.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:18 PM on September 8, 2016


After some sleuthing, I've determined that the Mean Joe Greene spoof I vaguely remember was from the 1980 Tim Conway variety show, which is not something I recall ever having watched. But after skimming through some of it on Youtube, there are definitely bits and pieces that are causing a slight tingling sensation to occur somewhere in the deep recesses of my temporal lobe. Alas, I've not yet been able to locate the Coke commercial parody.
posted by Atom Eyes at 4:45 PM on September 8, 2016


The McDonald's straw is slightly wider than most straws, so you're maybe tasting more of it and noticing the imperfections (this one came from the McDonald's website - the straw width, not my editorializing - so take it with a grain of salt for your fries)

McDonald's straws are for drinking; every other straw is for sipping.
posted by straight at 4:52 PM on September 8, 2016


I hate the Freestyle machines because usually all I want is a Coke and what comes out is some mysterious concoction with detuned radio flavors.

In other words, something almost - but not quite - entirely unlike Coke?
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:49 PM on September 8, 2016 [4 favorites]


Fountain Coke with ice and huevos rancheros are my go-to hangover cure.

My parents were strict and I didn't taste Coke until I was 12. I can't even drink a whole 12 oz can of regular Coke, but I love me some Mmmmexican Coke. No more than once a month. No straws!
posted by bendy at 6:10 PM on September 8, 2016


Cravings induced by sugar are comparable to those induced by addictive drugs like cocaine and nicotine.

This is so true! If I start indulging in brownies or cookies on a regular basis I get those cravings. I normally don't eat much in the way of sweets and rarely have a desire to.
posted by bendy at 6:21 PM on September 8, 2016


For a long period of time in the 1990s, I had what I referred to as an "addiction" to Diet Coke (Caffeine Free version). I could easily drink a 2L-bottle in a day, and I felt that I always had to have it on hand. It seemed to be mysteriously powerful. In retrospect, i think the issue was really the sodium. Even as it quenched, it also dehydrated, making it all too easy to return to the fridge for frequent refills. When I stopped, I just stopped - it didn't seem to have much of a hold on me after a short time away.
posted by Miko at 7:54 PM on September 8, 2016


I was also vegetarian for quite a while, and I didn't have a TV for long stretches. And I'd often go to great lengths to avoid broaching those topics, because so many people would take instant offense, as though I was doing those things AT them.

I know, right? I couldn't care less if my neighbor lives on a diet of sheetrock and conflict diamonds. But the minute people find out I'm a vegetarian they act like I just punched them in the face. I know many vegetarians, but I've never met this preachy evangelical vegetarian they seem to be so afraid of encountering.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:45 PM on September 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


So this seems to be a good place to ask—does anyone know of any less sweet cola that's available in the US?

This has been my quest ever since I moved here 18 years ago. For a while I was OK, I sort of adapted to it, but then my tolerance for sweet things dropped sharply recently (which makes buying anything American-made and is not a raw ingredient interesting) and yet I occasionally like a carbonated beverage and I like the taste of cola and I appreciate the extra caffeine...

Coke Life isn't it; they have halved the sugar and substituted it with stevia so the end result is actually sweeter. The most bitter thing is that they have increased the sugar content of Coke in my home country too, so I can't even get the nostalgic fix when I go visiting. I think I tried Mexican Coke once, and don't recall finding it any less sweet. Diet beverages are their own thing, taste-wise. I looked into those carbonated beverage makers, but then I'm not sure if I can find a less-sweet cola syrup. Help a fellow MeFite out, if you have any ideas?
posted by seyirci at 8:55 PM on September 8, 2016


So this seems to be a good place to ask—does anyone know of any less sweet cola that's available in the US?

Have you tried GuS - Grown-up Soda? It's wonnnnnnderful! They have a cola flavor which is very good, but I am especially fond of the ginger ale and the meyer dry lemon ones, too. You don't get that queasy full-sugar feeling after drinking them.
posted by mochapickle at 9:13 PM on September 8, 2016 [2 favorites]


I don't know about a cola alternative, but to me 1/2 grape juice and 1/2 carbonated water is about perfect as a sweet-but-not-too-sweet alternative to soda.
posted by straight at 9:14 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


I know many vegetarians, but I've never met this preachy evangelical vegetarian they seem to be so afraid of encountering.

I've never met a preachy obnoxious vegetarian, vegetarians are pretty chill in my experience. Vegans, on the other hand... I'd say that maybe one out of five vegans I've encountered haven't been sanctimonious dicks.
posted by Itaxpica at 10:17 PM on September 8, 2016


Best coke I ever had was at my first tech job. They had a small fountain in the office with Coke, Diet Coke, and Sprite. All three came out of the same nozzle. The diet coke was near perfect. It would have a very slight sweetness mixed perfectly into the usual battery acid flavor. It was so good, my friends would stop by my office to load up on it before going off to their own workplaces.

Never had it since. Hand-mixing coke and diet coke doesn't produce the same effects. Probably can only replicate it by buying a fountain and pouring out thousands of cups of Coke until the nozzle is properly seasoned. Too much waste and too much bother.
posted by honestcoyote at 11:41 PM on September 8, 2016 [1 favorite]


Pretty much enjoyed the piece even if it was a little too David Foster Wallace wannabe, but the post should have been titled Overthinking a Can of Coke.
posted by blue shadows at 12:27 AM on September 9, 2016


The best option for a less sweet soda fix is the ubiquitous LaCroix fizzy water, which has flavor but no sweetener.

There are WikiHow tutorials on how to breathe, how to pee, how to love, and how to cry, but drinking Coke apparently demands less instruction than functions which are naturally regulated by the brain.

Best sentence of the entire article (and I found the article quite enjoyable.)
posted by MsMolly at 12:42 AM on September 9, 2016 [2 favorites]


If anyone hasn't tried it yet, Pepsi 1893 is surprisingly delicious. It's a little (a little) less sweet than normal Pepsi, made with sugar, and has a stronger cola taste. There's a ginger version that is also quite delicious.
posted by zrail at 4:57 AM on September 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm surprised no one has mention Kosher (for Passover) Coke, which also uses real sugar.

One of the best things my mom did was ban soda from the house when I was a little kid. This was the 70s, and we definitely weren't a wheat bread/granola family, but the result was I never acquired the taste for sweet drinks. I mostly drink water and unsweetened iced tea, but I'm originally from Brooklyn and my pizza imprint includes the sweet counterbalance of a Coke, so I really enjoy a sip or two with a slice. I don't always get one, so I probably end up drinking a total of one or two glasses a year.

If you're really into soda there's a soda-only supermarket just northeast of downtown L.A.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:27 AM on September 9, 2016 [2 favorites]


If you're really into soda there's a soda-only supermarket just northeast of downtown L.A.
There was a FPP about Galco's earlier this year.
posted by usonian at 5:31 AM on September 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


I had a lot of Coke in the 60's, but switched to Pepsi (and eventually to Mountain Dew) around 1971.
I was thinking that I had never had a HFCS Coke, but somewhere along the way I probably had a fountain soda at a fast food joint.
But I never thought of fountain drinks as being in the same universe as bottled/canned drinks. They all taste terrible to me.

I would think the Mexican version would be closer to the iconic Coke. At least the one Warhol was talking about.
The Coke I grew up with was in a big water-and-ice-filled cooler with a bottle opener on the front left.
And then later in a vending machine with a bottle opener under the coin slot, where you pull the bottle out by its neck. 10¢ for 16 oz.
But if you've grown up on HFCS, you'd probably prefer that.
posted by MtDewd at 6:43 AM on September 9, 2016


Out of curiosity, I purchased a slew of colas, and will be recording them here. All are sampled chilled from a glass (glass) with 3 ice cubes.

Pepsi 1893 Original Cola:
Sweetened with sugar. Caramel color, high head that quickly settles. Sweet nose, with hints of molasses and what I think is kola. A nice round cola flavor, with a slight caramel / burnt sugar flavor. Hints of cinnamon and cloves. No bite, typical for Pepsi. Pleasant.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 9:09 PM on September 9, 2016 [2 favorites]


Triple Cola:
Thin bubbles and head, almost no carbonation on the glass. Spicy nose, almost floral. Nutmeg, cinnamon and allspice round out the kola. Sweet, with a molasses flavor.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 8:27 AM on September 10, 2016 [1 favorite]


From @historyinmoments comes this image of the evolution of the Coca-Cola bottle.
posted by bryon at 3:31 AM on September 12, 2016


I wasn't allowed to drink Coke until I was 18. It's good in the hot Australian summer.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 10:35 PM on September 12, 2016


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