So he hid it in one place he knew he could hide something
September 21, 2016 1:05 PM   Subscribe

An employee of the Royal Canadian Mint allegedly smuggled about $180,000 in gold from the fortress-like facility, possibly evading multiple levels of detection with a time-honoured prison trick....
posted by Chrysostom (119 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
 
Rectum? Damn near killed 'im!
posted by briank at 1:16 PM on September 21, 2016 [18 favorites]


"Justice Peter Doody." What are the odds?
posted by mondo dentro at 1:17 PM on September 21, 2016 [32 favorites]


My favourite part of the story:

Investigators also found a container of vaseline in his locker and the trial was presented with the prospect that a puck could be concealed in an anal cavity and not be detected by the wand. In preparation for these proceedings, in fact, a security employee actually tested the idea, Barnes said.

In other words, somebody actually, physically tested out the theory of the crime. I don't know who that person is, but I hope they got a day off, at least.
posted by nubs at 1:18 PM on September 21, 2016 [68 favorites]


"Justice Peter Doody." What are the odds?

I mean, pretty good. Everybody poops.
posted by beerperson at 1:21 PM on September 21, 2016 [7 favorites]


posted by nubs somebody actually, physically tested out the theory of the crime. I don't know who that person is, but I hope they got a day off, at least.

His co-workers now call him Goldfinger.
posted by mattdidthat at 1:23 PM on September 21, 2016 [12 favorites]


Guy had money coming out of his ass.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:28 PM on September 21, 2016 [18 favorites]


What's the opposite of money laundering? This. This is the opposite of money laundering.
posted by zippy at 1:29 PM on September 21, 2016 [91 favorites]


I hope they got a day off, at least.

"I'm gonna sit this one out, boys. Er..."
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:33 PM on September 21, 2016


Crime never pays -- they always get you in the end.
posted by neroli at 1:33 PM on September 21, 2016 [14 favorites]


posted by Tell Me No Lies Guy had money coming out of his ass.

You should be so lucky.
posted by mattdidthat at 1:35 PM on September 21, 2016


And you thought that the goose that laid golden eggs had it tough...
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:35 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


I've heard of putting the puck in the five hole, but this is ridiculous.




This guy decided to get the lead out of his ass and study alchemy.
posted by nubs at 1:37 PM on September 21, 2016 [6 favorites]


Lawrence took small circular chunks of gold — a cookie-sized nugget called a “puck”

Cookies come in varying sizes...are we talking Oreo? Chocolate Chip? (yeah, I know) Digestive?
posted by rocket88 at 1:39 PM on September 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


He just wanted everyone to have to handle his ass pennies
posted by indubitable at 1:40 PM on September 21, 2016 [23 favorites]


Part of the tour of the Jewelry Quarter Museum in Birmingham England was an explanation of features and practices of the former Jewelry Manufacturing shop the museum was located in. The focus was on collecting fallen gold dust. The workshops floor was a grate so the fallen dust would collect beneath the grate rather than end up stuck on workers shoes. Workers were also forbidden to roll the cuffs on their trousers as this would catch falling gold dust. They also had to wear hats so they couldn't wipe gold dust into their hair.

Smuggling gold out of the workspace is a tradition.
posted by srboisvert at 1:46 PM on September 21, 2016 [10 favorites]


Might be unstamped blanks for the Maple Leaf.
posted by bonehead at 1:52 PM on September 21, 2016


It sounds like all he would have had to do to get away with this forever was to not sell the gold at the same place every time and then always immediately deposit the check at the same bank (in the same mall as where he sold it) and ask for the money to be wired out of the country, while also being an employee of the Royal Mint. If he'd spread the sales and the deposits across multiple institutions and maybe had a buddy who didn't work at the Mint do the legwork for him (splitting the proceeds, of course) it sounds like the Royal Mint would never even have known this was happening.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:54 PM on September 21, 2016 [22 favorites]


bonehead, it sounds like they were probably samples. Dude's job was to take ladlefuls of molten gold out of the buckets and send them off for purity testing. The pucks he was selling fit the special ladle perfectly.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:56 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


So we have a trial over a case of literal ass banditry being overseen by a Justice Doody.

...you know, reality having the mindset of a 6 year old explains so much.
posted by NoxAeternum at 1:56 PM on September 21, 2016 [11 favorites]




> reality having the mindset of a 6 year old explains so much

LOL. His farts smell like mint.
posted by tempestuoso at 2:00 PM on September 21, 2016 [15 favorites]


Ass for Gold
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:01 PM on September 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


This is one of those times where having in thread reaction gifs would be really, really great
posted by Hermione Granger at 2:03 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Cookies come in varying sizes...are we talking Oreo? Chocolate Chip? (yeah, I know) Digestive?

I'm thinking like one of those giant ones that you can get decorated like a birthday cake at the mall.
posted by Strange Interlude at 2:04 PM on September 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


in fact, a security employee actually tested the idea

I want to know if they drew straws, or if someone volunteered.
posted by Strange Interlude at 2:06 PM on September 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


gold bricking on the job, eh?
posted by clavdivs at 2:08 PM on September 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


One day a teller became suspicious at the size and number of Ottawa Gold Buyers cheques being deposited and Lawrence’s request to wire money out of the country. She then noticed on his account profile that he worked at the Mint. The first red flag was up.

I swear to god.... One wonders the things actually smart criminals could get away with. Oh wait, I forgot there's a place for those folks called Wall Street.

Cynical levels rising, alcohol needed, get help, beer run imminent.
posted by RolandOfEld at 2:15 PM on September 21, 2016 [17 favorites]


I did a bit of googling. An ounce of gold is apparently roughly about the size of two quarters (for comparison: four quarters together weigh about an ounce). So, if that is accurate, it would be about like sticking 15 quarters up your bum (after gluing them together), only it would weigh about what 30 quarters weighs.

Sounds like a recipe for hemorrhoids.
posted by Michele in California at 2:18 PM on September 21, 2016


:hmph: ... whoever he is, he has the Midas tush.
posted by sebastienbailard at 2:28 PM on September 21, 2016 [40 favorites]


gold bricking on the job, eh?

But when he got caught, he was shitting gold bricks.
posted by nubs at 2:35 PM on September 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm glad they got to the bottom of this.
posted by brevator at 2:39 PM on September 21, 2016 [6 favorites]


Came in here for bad puns. Leaving after pulling my groan.
posted by rokusan at 2:43 PM on September 21, 2016 [5 favorites]


It was a probing investigation, to be sure.
posted by nubs at 2:43 PM on September 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


There's probably another, slightly smarter, guy at some mint who's still doing this and nobody is any the wiser. And perhaps an older guy living on a yacht in the Bahamas who did something similar ten years earlier.
posted by acb at 2:43 PM on September 21, 2016 [7 favorites]


Someone on Twitter commented on this with just "Goldsphincter" and now I have been singing that in my head all. damn. day.
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:49 PM on September 21, 2016 [26 favorites]


Records revealed 18 pucks had been sold between Nov. 27, 2014 and March 12, 2015. Together with dozens of gold coins that were redeemed, the total value of the suspected theft was conservatively estimated at $179,015.

This reminds me of that Superman movie where the IT guy steals all the half pennies in a completely untraceable fashion and gets caught because he shows up at work with some hot new car the very next week. I mean, an extra $180k in less than six months and you think no one will notice?

He could have stolen a million dollars in gold, found some way to get it out of the country and lived on it for the rest of his life or something. But he didn't bother to plan ahead for covering up the crime further than just getting it out of the mint apparently.
posted by Michele in California at 2:52 PM on September 21, 2016 [6 favorites]


Sounds like a recipe for hemorrhoids.

Or bullionimia
posted by Flashman at 2:59 PM on September 21, 2016 [5 favorites]


I mean, an extra $180k in less than six months and you think no one will notice?

At least he was sensible enough to smuggle out gold, it would have been 350 liters of pennies a day. (Or 70.6 gallons of American pennies.)
posted by sebastienbailard at 3:02 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Considering there is no Canadian penny, smuggling out any amount of them would have been quite the trick.
posted by Orange Pamplemousse at 3:05 PM on September 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


:hmph: ... whoever he is, he has the Midas tush.

I love it when we have two FPPs about good and butts in less than a week.
posted by zachlipton at 3:06 PM on September 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


Folks... hey folks... you're missing the most important detail here. The post about a guy stealing gold with his butt was made by Chrysostom... which means Goldenmouth!

Goldenmouth!
posted by Kattullus at 3:08 PM on September 21, 2016 [16 favorites]


And Mike Myers - who is Canadian - made a movie called Goldmember.

We're through the looking glass here, people.
posted by nubs at 3:11 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


He wasn't lying when he said the samples were being assayed.
posted by dr_dank at 3:12 PM on September 21, 2016 [12 favorites]


Well clearly his stools were soft for a while...
posted by JoeXIII007 at 3:14 PM on September 21, 2016


She then noticed on his account profile that he worked at the Mint. The first red flag was up.

The second red flag? All his gold deposits smelled like ass.
posted by zippy at 3:25 PM on September 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


PILES OF GOLD
posted by Joe in Australia at 3:27 PM on September 21, 2016 [13 favorites]


I mean, seriously, he could have just quietly sat on his ill gotten booty for years while planning out how to safely convert it to money. But, no, he had to go and sell it promptly like his pants were on fire.
posted by Michele in California at 3:27 PM on September 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


SuppAusitories.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:30 PM on September 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


This should really have the happyfunseptember tag.
posted by asperity at 3:31 PM on September 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


He didn't bother to melt down the gold spoonfuls?? You can melt gold with a hobbyist's blowtorch in your kitchen! Given the amount of advance planning on display here I guess his lawyer should be grateful he didn't try to sell off bars with "Royal Canadian Mint" engraved on them.

And even though he pretty clearly did it, I kind of hope he gets off, if this is all the evidence the mint can come up with.
posted by ostro at 3:34 PM on September 21, 2016 [3 favorites]


His co-workers now call him Goldfinger.

Goldringer, surely?
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:35 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


The Man with the Golden Bung
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:38 PM on September 21, 2016 [10 favorites]


Didn't certain Surrealists equate shit with gold?
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 3:50 PM on September 21, 2016


It sounds like all he would have had to do to get away with this forever was to not sell the gold at the same place every time and then always immediately deposit the check at the same bank (in the same mall as where he sold it) and ask for the money to be wired out of the country, while also being an employee of the Royal Mint. If he'd spread the sales and the deposits across multiple institutions and maybe had a buddy who didn't work at the Mint do the legwork for him (splitting the proceeds, of course) it sounds like the Royal Mint would never even have known this was happening.

True but then you lose the "This fucking idiot?" defense if/when you are caught.
posted by srboisvert at 3:54 PM on September 21, 2016


Sounds like he was a real charger, a man with a plan. Too bad for him all those banco supposites led to his getting pinched.

Und so weider . . .
posted by Herodios at 3:56 PM on September 21, 2016


he could have just quietly sat on his ill gotten booty

Depends how ill his booty had gotten in the process, of course.
posted by acb at 3:56 PM on September 21, 2016 [5 favorites]


Someone should have told him that Tywin Lannister was cast a long time ago.
posted by flaterik at 4:04 PM on September 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Drumroll please ...
...
...
...

Goldse.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 4:17 PM on September 21, 2016 [12 favorites]


And even though he pretty clearly did it, I kind of hope he gets off, if this is all the evidence the mint can come up with.

I see what you did there.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 4:26 PM on September 21, 2016


BAH-whaaa-NAHHH
posted by clavdivs at 4:26 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


This post is gilted in gold glee.
posted by clavdivs at 4:28 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


"Gold digger" takes on a whole new meaning.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 4:31 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


The Crown was able to show the pucks precisely fit the Mint’s custom “dipping spoon” made in-house — not available commercially — that is used to scoop molten gold during the production process.
Come on, man. It's not that hard to melt a Mint-spoon-shaped puck of gold into an unrecognizable puck of gold. This guy really wasn't even trying.

Back when I was a student working in a lab that consumed many tens of times my salary in precious metals and then left the bulk of that material sitting in bins for recovery, I idly wondered whether or not I could get away with walking into a "we buy gold" storefront with a crucible-shaped ingot of unusually pure gold. It seems the answer was probably, "yes." (Though I'm glad I had too high an opinion of the typical gold-buyer, since getting arrested for professional misconduct even at odds of thousands to one wouldn't have been worth the cash.)

The real trick is to come up with medical implants into which gold can be secreted. "Yup, shattered my left leg this time instead of the right one. Fucking motorcyles, man. I just can't stay away from them. Excuse my limp, this external fixation rig weighs a tonne."
posted by eotvos at 4:33 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


In preparation for these proceedings, in fact, a security employee actually tested the idea, Barnes said.

Someone was on the boss's shit list.

If he'd spread the sales and the deposits across multiple institutions and maybe had a buddy who didn't work at the Mint do the legwork for him (splitting the proceeds, of course) it sounds like the Royal Mint would never even have known this was happening.

Someone working at the Royal Mint is say "God I hope that's true".

This is one of those times where having in thread reaction gifs would be really, really great

No, there has never been one of those times and never will be.
posted by bongo_x at 5:08 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Uh, there a joke about polishing a turd somewhere in there.
posted by Annika Cicada at 5:16 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Women don't marry up-the-butt guard.
posted by kirkaracha at 5:29 PM on September 21, 2016


I knew he looked familiar! (Lower left corner, under the soul-chomping bird.)
posted by pernoctalian at 5:32 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Those pucks were lubricated with Glen Beck's tears.
posted by TedW at 5:37 PM on September 21, 2016


If you are going to go through that much work and discomfort, at least be smarter about the selling part. He really doesn't seem to have thought it through past the rectum part of the plot.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:41 PM on September 21, 2016


He really doesn't seem to have thought it through past the rectum part of the plot.

Maybe it was just a dare that got out of hand. I mean, someone bets you you can't fit a cookie-sized piece of gold in your ass, and you prove how wrong they were. But it felt pretty good, and soon it's a habit, and pretty soon your apartment is full of Vaseline-covered cookie-sized pieces of gold. What are you going to do with them? Sneak them back in the same way?
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:54 PM on September 21, 2016 [7 favorites]


>>Lawrence took small circular chunks of gold — a cookie-sized nugget called a “puck”
>
>Cookies come in varying sizes...are we talking Oreo?


And if so, were they double stuffed?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:22 PM on September 21, 2016


the rectum part of the plot

Sounds like the last line of a limerick.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:23 PM on September 21, 2016


And so it was!

Because of what he forgot,
His plans had all come to naught!
He couldn't be assed
To ponder them past
The rectum part of the plot.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:32 PM on September 21, 2016 [24 favorites]


One wonders the things actually smart criminals could get away with.

Couple of friends of mine employed by the Canadian government who both dealt with criminals (one an RCMP officer, one a Border Services agent) used to compare notes and chortle about how dumb criminals were. I always thought, "well, the smart ones did not get caught."
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:33 PM on September 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


Except for Bernie Madoff; the rest of the crooks are still free to continue their nefarious doings on Wall St.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:39 PM on September 21, 2016


Chrysostom, I just wanted you to know your post title is understood and appreciated.
posted by raider at 6:42 PM on September 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Nodding. I just got the title as well. Nicely done.
posted by Annika Cicada at 6:48 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


rocket88: "Cookies come in varying sizes...are we talking Oreo? Chocolate Chip? (yeah, I know) Digestive?"

210 grams of gold is a smidge under 11 mL of volume. A "puck" 1.0 cm thick would be 3.75 cm across. If the puck was 0.5 cm thick than the puck would be 5.3 cm across.

Man I really wonder how he was getting them out. A round disk like that would seem just about perfect to get stuck inside. Some sort of goat.cx dilation?
posted by Mitheral at 7:06 PM on September 21, 2016


Part of the tour of the Jewelry Quarter Museum in Birmingham England was an explanation of features and practices of the former Jewelry Manufacturing shop the museum was located in. The focus was on collecting fallen gold dust. The workshops floor was a grate so the fallen dust would collect beneath the grate rather than end up stuck on workers shoes. Workers were also forbidden to roll the cuffs on their trousers as this would catch falling gold dust. They also had to wear hats so they couldn't wipe gold dust into their hair.

This is basically the plot of the film Paint Your Wagon.
posted by LastOfHisKind at 7:12 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


He Kiestered It!
posted by djrock3k at 7:55 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Guess who gapes.
posted by adept256 at 8:04 PM on September 21, 2016


Christ, what an asshole...
posted by randomkeystrike at 8:06 PM on September 21, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'd like to point out that he hasn't yet been found guilty of any crimes. It does seem like its all circumstantial evidence. The mint itself doesn't even know if anything is missing.



Kinda embarrassing. For the mint.
posted by alex_skazat at 8:26 PM on September 21, 2016 [1 favorite]


Kinda embarrassing. For the mint.

Yeah, this has exposed them. Kinda been caught with their pants down and their cheeks should be red.
posted by nubs at 8:36 PM on September 21, 2016


gold butt plugs

the most luxurious butt plugs

gonna be yuge
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:38 PM on September 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Man I really wonder how he was getting them out. A round disk like that would seem just about perfect to get stuck inside.

The smart thing to do would be to put it in a condom, tie a string around the end of the condom, shove it in and tie the string off someplace else (e.g. your underwear).

5.3 cm is just over 2 inches. There are lots and lots of butt toys that are wider than 2".
posted by AFABulous at 8:47 PM on September 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Make sure you get the gold puck with a flared base
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:50 PM on September 21, 2016 [10 favorites]


It's only a matter of time until this is a game show...How Much Gold Can You Fit In Your BUTT?!
posted by sexyrobot at 9:00 PM on September 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


Gilty
posted by adept256 at 10:59 PM on September 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


He should've...

I bet he... uh

Goddammit I've got nothing
posted by um at 11:07 PM on September 21, 2016 [4 favorites]


Oh. OH!

What a bum rap.

*bows*
posted by um at 11:09 PM on September 21, 2016 [8 favorites]


Pecunia non olet.
posted by Joe in Australia at 11:31 PM on September 21, 2016 [2 favorites]


And so began the epic Canadian Opera Cycle, about the lust for gold, and the lengths that people will go for it:

Das Kiestergold
Die Bankangestellte
Lawrence
Rektumdammerung

posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 11:45 PM on September 21, 2016 [10 favorites]


"As Wagner Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey continued working on his reverse chronology from Siegfried's death, he arrived at what he determined was the initial act of the drama—Alberich's theft of the Rhine gold. Believing that a simple abduction of the unguarded gold would lack dramatic force, Wagner made the Rhinemaidens the guardians of the gold, and he introduced the "renunciation of love" condition Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey had Alberich stuff the gold up his ass.
posted by sebastienbailard at 12:17 AM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


Didn't certain Surrealists equate shit with gold?

Dadaist collage occasionally featured certain unpopular politicians shitting gold coins, yes, but Hieronymous Bosch depicted the same thing in the fifteenth century.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:56 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


D'or-rière
posted by a lungful of dragon at 1:28 AM on September 22, 2016 [7 favorites]


One wonders the things actually smart criminals could get away with.


No need for the subjunctive here - the smart guys don't get caught, and we never find out about them.

I guarantee you there is at least one long term employee of the mint calmly taking a break while the heat is on, carefully rethinking and tweaking his m.o.
posted by Meatbomb at 2:53 AM on September 22, 2016 [7 favorites]


Gold is malleable enough that you can mold it with your hands. Dude could have taken the puck and rolled it against a hard surface to lengthen and narrow it into a dildo shape.
posted by explosion at 6:39 AM on September 22, 2016


Just below the article:

RELATED

Police intervene after Brockville woman throws 'handfuls' of dog feces at neighbour

posted by HycoSpeed at 8:29 AM on September 22, 2016


Dude could have taken the puck and rolled it against a hard surface to lengthen and narrow it into a dildo shape.

Go on...
posted by bongo_x at 10:01 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


Damned materialists! You can take your gold and...

Oh. Okay. As you were.
posted by metagnathous at 10:03 AM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]


The Great Canadian Gold Flush
posted by Phreesh at 10:28 AM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


The Mint has ongoing problems with its inventory control. Also, legends of underwater riches to be found just outside the Mint's back door have resulted in periodic attempts to recover the sunken treasure over the years, though with little profitability.
posted by cardboard at 11:25 AM on September 22, 2016


Folks... hey folks... you're missing the most important detail here. The post about a guy stealing gold with his butt was made by Chrysostom

Runs off to register ρυσόςσφιγκτήρ
posted by zippy at 11:26 AM on September 22, 2016


In other words, somebody actually, physically tested out the theory of the crime. I don't know who that person is, but I hope they got a day off, at least.

I would volunteer under the condition that I get to keep the gold.
posted by Fongotskilernie at 11:27 AM on September 22, 2016


explosion: "Gold is malleable enough that you can mold it with your hands. Dude could have taken the puck and rolled it against a hard surface to lengthen and narrow it into a dildo shape."

We know that didn't happen though because the pucks found at his house perfectly fit the sampling ladle they solidified in at the Mint.
posted by Mitheral at 12:12 PM on September 22, 2016


Presumably the gold being tested is the same material being used in the coins, so it has been alloyed with other metals to increase hardness.
posted by cardboard at 12:18 PM on September 22, 2016


ViAugra: alloyed with other metals to increase hardness
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:21 PM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]


Even pure gold is reasonably hard in bulk form. Biting down on it will make dents (which is where the prospector stereotype comes from), but it’s not Play‐Doh.

Lead is a lot softer, and I can’t ball‐up SCUBA weights with my bare hands.
posted by Fongotskilernie at 12:54 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


Interestingly, they chose a stock photo of gold..
posted by latkes at 1:18 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


I guarantee you there is at least one long term employee of the mint calmly taking a break while the heat is on, carefully rethinking and tweaking his m.o.

As opposed to just his .o.
posted by biffa at 1:23 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]


A Mint worker tempted by glitter
Lubed up a gold puck and then slid ‘er
Up his ass, where it stayed
Till he had been payed
Then he shit it out for the best bidder.
posted by Kabanos at 2:15 PM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]


He seemed like a magical goose
Who, instead of an egg, would produce:
A chicken-like squawk
A crow like a cock
And a golden deuce out the caboose
posted by Kabanos at 2:39 PM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]


> the gold being tested is the same material being used in the coins

The Canadian mint takes great pride in the purity of their gold coins - at least 99%.

The Royal Canadian Mint began refining gold to .9999 fine purity in the mid-1960s. In 1982, we became the world's first mint to produce .9999 gold bullion coins, an achievement surpassed in 1998 when we reached "five nines" purity levels. Today, we are even able to produce a special issue Gold Maple Leaf coin that is .99999 fine.
posted by porpoise at 2:52 PM on September 22, 2016


The personally galling thing about this:

In an emailed statement Tuesday evening, a Mint spokeswoman said several security measures had been upgraded, including high definition security cameras in all areas, improved ability to track, balance and reconcile precious metal, and the use of “trend analysis technology.”

Licensed Producers of medical marijuana/Cannabis under the MMPR (now the ACMPR) are required to have security that is far more stringent than required of The Royal Canadian Mint because of paranoia about product diversion.

I'd wager that the newly upgraded high def security cameras are less expensive/featured than that required of Licensed Producers. All areas where Cannabis may possibly be must be monitored. Each high def camera has to have a minimum resolution and FPS, infrared detection, have camera-on-camera coverage, be "always on," have independent backups, be tied to motion detectors, be monitored 24/7, and all of the surveillance has to be recorded and stored in real-time for a minimum of two (2) years.

That's not even getting into the BS requirements for a central vault - which has higher requirements than at most banks.

The requirements to track every single bit of Cannabis in the facility in real time and on-demand, down to individual seed counts and even waste material is tracked to the gram, if not fraction of a gram, is almost certainly more stringent than the RCM's requirements to track their precious metals.
posted by porpoise at 2:59 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


Rectum? Damn near gilt ’em.
posted by Fongotskilernie at 6:11 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


No 'Man With The Golden Bum'?

Tsh.
posted by Devonian at 7:02 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]


Today, we are even able to produce a special issue Gold Maple Leaf coin that is .99999 fine.

Here at the Mint, we let you figure out what impurity makes up every hundred thousandth atom.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 10:42 PM on September 22, 2016 [6 favorites]


We think you'll be pleasantly horrified.
posted by nubs at 9:59 AM on September 23, 2016 [1 favorite]


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