Chewable Coffee

September 22, 2016 1:06 PM

Coffee in your pocket "Instead of putting your coffee in a cup, you can put it in your pocket, for performance on the go. Combine the kick of coffee with the relaxation of green tea. And instead of putting your coffee in a cup, you can put it in your pocket, for performance on the go. [product name] packs half a cup of coffee (50 mg caffeine) into a single cube."

Bonus goofy fun: nootropic additives

posted by lucasgonze (81 comments total)

Sure man whatever. Chew your coffee, aerosol spray your tea into the cup, shoot up a burrito, snort a turnip, squeeze drops of tilapia into your eyes.
posted by selfnoise at 1:11 PM on September 22, 2016 [111 favorites]

Has this generation entirely forgotten about cocaine?
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 1:11 PM on September 22, 2016 [57 favorites]

Is it really strange that I had to think really hard about whether or not this was something you eat or drink? That wasn't made so clear to my brain. And maybe I'm just having a very stupid brain fart moment, but it took me far too long, at least scrolling 3/4 of that page before I realized this was not something you add water to and that its just concentrated coffee that you can eat. Huh. Sorry if that gets it off topic. It was just weird that there wasn't some slogan or phrase saying: COFFEE YOU CAN EAT?!! NOW IN YOUR POCKET?! That feels like something a marketing person would insist, but as I said, I could also just be very stupid right now. Apologies if it seems very obvious to you and not at all to me.
posted by Fizz at 1:13 PM on September 22, 2016

I seem to remember a European chocolate kind of like this.
posted by jonmc at 1:13 PM on September 22, 2016

One of my good friends chews this garbage at Burning Man: Military Energy Gum - I hope these cubes taste better!

Edit: tho he says "ew, coffee - a big part of the appeal of caffeine gum is that in general, I'm not a coffee fan"
posted by thedaniel at 1:15 PM on September 22, 2016

Also the pictures make it look very much like Turkish Delight and thanks but no thanks because the consistency of that is horrible to me.
posted by Fizz at 1:15 PM on September 22, 2016

Why did you use sugar? Are there lower calorie versions?

A serving of two GO CUBES contains sugar that helps cut into the natural bitterness of coffee and caffeine, producing a product that balances performance and taste.

Pshaw. I like my coffee like I like my clothes: black and covered in lint.
posted by Foosnark at 1:17 PM on September 22, 2016 [17 favorites]

It's unclear how unwrapping gum would let me leave me desk and do something that everyone will thank me for, but isn't actually work.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:17 PM on September 22, 2016 [20 favorites]

Fuck you.
posted by Going To Maine at 1:19 PM on September 22, 2016 [15 favorites]

Daiso sells something like these, if you want to get a bag of chewable coffee gummi candy for a buck fifty.

Coffee as in 'has caffeine, don't eat the entire bag'
posted by zippy at 1:20 PM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

Oop, that was maybe overly aggressive.
posted by Going To Maine at 1:20 PM on September 22, 2016

You know what else is chewable coffee? Actual coffee beans.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:20 PM on September 22, 2016 [25 favorites]

Sugar? Sure, here you go. Sorry it's not in packets. Want some cream?
posted by Space Coyote at 1:22 PM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

Haven't had your cubes yet, Going To Maine?
posted by RobotHero at 1:23 PM on September 22, 2016 [12 favorites]

Hey, techbros, you might not give everyone jetpacks and flying cars, because those would result in casualties comparable to a world war, but you sure are working hard on those meal-on-a-pill ideas, perfect for your future 18-hour workday utopia!
posted by lmfsilva at 1:25 PM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

The packaging and marketing for this and their other products ('Sprint', 'Full Stack' ffs) are so on-the-nose tech culture I assumed they must be a parody. I work with a 24 year old guy who has boundless enthusiasm for everything, especially Docker, Ansible, Go, Haskell, Jenkins, Puppet, and so on. He'd love this. Their next step should be an ultra hoppy craft beer in cube form.
posted by kersplunk at 1:26 PM on September 22, 2016 [13 favorites]

At least it's not made from the same ingredients as soylent green.
posted by Melismata at 1:26 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

IT IS 9:00 AM. TIME TO INGEST YOUR PRODUCTIVITY CUBES, WORKER UNIT.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:26 PM on September 22, 2016 [44 favorites]

Caffeine pills have been around for ages surely? You could get three packs in Boots for five euro last I was in. Or cheaper online. The L-theanine is also available in a separate pill for cheap, which, by the logic of this advertising copy, is a better option because it gives you more "precision".
posted by rollick at 1:29 PM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

does this generation know about white crosses because that is what we ingested PLUS coffee in my day
posted by Kitteh at 1:29 PM on September 22, 2016 [12 favorites]

Finally, instead of spending 15-20 minutes enjoying a cup of coffee, I can just ingest the chemical components in seconds!

Well, maybe not:
A Review of Go Cubes describes the aftertaste as: "basically like drinking nothing but coffee for a week while not brushing your teeth."
posted by AndrewInDC at 1:32 PM on September 22, 2016 [6 favorites]

Put me under the "meh" category as well - caffeinated gum has been around for ages and throwing in theanine and b-vitamins isn't a terrible idea but why not just drink a cup of tea? It's really not that hard plus it satisfies your oral fixation (although so does gum, I guess it's a matter of preference).

But just like soylent made hospital food for people having gastric surgery cool, I'm sure the hipsters of the world will be all over this chewable, bespoke, artisanal 5 hour energy shot.
posted by GuyZero at 1:37 PM on September 22, 2016

no doz 60 * 200 mg pills $10.23 free shipping.

(That is ~ 16 cents a pill which is a cup of strong coffee)
posted by bukvich at 1:40 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

There was a pretty good recent episode of Oh No Ross and Carrie about nootropics.
posted by General Malaise at 1:43 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

You know, I've never heard of anyone looking at a cup of coffee they were about to drink and say, "Know what would make this better? Making in small, square, and chewable."
posted by Nanukthedog at 1:44 PM on September 22, 2016 [11 favorites]

To me, one of the quieter appeals of drinking any hot beverage is the ritualistic exercise of creating the drink and then the time spent sipping on it. These cubes take all that away.
posted by hrstruggle at 1:49 PM on September 22, 2016 [6 favorites]

Caffeine is a drug but the fun of coffee is the sipping or the slurping (not the spilling). And yes, you can chew coffee beans. Have fun withe those dental stains.

On preview: hrstruggle beat me to it.
posted by datawrangler at 1:50 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Kopiko! Kopiko lists their caffeine content as 4 or 5 pieces being equivalent to a cup of coffee. Thanks to Kopiko, this lifelong tea drinker has been able to graduate to caffe mocha.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 1:52 PM on September 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

From the website: "GO CUBES are the future of coffee."

No sorry, they are no more the future of coffee than Soylent is the future of food or 'food pills' were the future in the 60's. As countless books about military and space exploration have expounded upon, there is a huge emotional component to enjoying good food that is lost when we cut straight to the nutrients.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 1:55 PM on September 22, 2016 [8 favorites]

s/alcohol/coffee
posted by tobascodagama at 1:59 PM on September 22, 2016

no doz 60 * 200 mg pills $10.23 free shipping.

(That is ~ 16 cents a pill which is a cup of strong coffee)

Bob Dylan warned me not to though.
posted by kersplunk at 1:59 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I work with a 24 year old guy who has boundless enthusiasm for everything, especially Docker, Ansible, Go, Haskell, Jenkins, Puppet, and so on. He'd love this.

Your co-worker is a living, breathing Hacker News comment?
posted by indubitable at 2:00 PM on September 22, 2016 [20 favorites]

i haven't clicked on the link yet but i am just going to assume this is essentially the same as the pack of jolt gum i'd chew every day freshman year of college
posted by burgerrr at 2:11 PM on September 22, 2016

I work with a 24 year old guy who has boundless enthusiasm for everything, especially Docker, Ansible, Go, Haskell, Jenkins, Puppet, and so on. He’d love this.

Your co-worker is a living, breathing Hacker News comment?

I too have worked with mefite who by this definition is a living, breathing Hacker News comment -and, indeed, he liked reading HN. He was delightful, smart, had great energy, made everyone feel good, 10/10 would work with again. Let us separate enthusiasm for cool tech things with enthusiasm for mouth garbage and the rest of that website.
posted by Going To Maine at 2:12 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Caffeinated gum is pretty cool because if you chew 100mg every hour for six hours, you'll be as effective as someone on adderall, depending on your tolerance. This was studied by the military. You achieve the same effect wit caffeine pills by buying 200mg pills and splitting them. But coffee rules and I need three cups to get moving, and more in the afternoon. Definitely seems more effective when mixed into a liquid. Theanine does take the edge off and make it more "nootropic" by giving you a little GABA boost to take the stimulation down a peg.
posted by aydeejones at 2:13 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

couldn't the techbros just lobby congress to bring back "diet" pills?
posted by ennui.bz at 2:14 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Penguin mints?

Or are those too "inefficient" or maybe too "not coffee flavored"?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 2:19 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

"Watch while we replace this man's coffee with bullion cubes."
posted by octobersurprise at 2:22 PM on September 22, 2016 [15 favorites]

i haven't clicked on the link yet but i am just going to assume this is essentially the same as the pack of jolt gum i'd chew every day freshman year of college

i should clarify: this is basically the opposite of an endorsement
posted by burgerrr at 2:22 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

It's been a long time since I worked in a bookstore, but when I did we used Pocket Coffee to stay alert and awake since we couldn't have cups of coffee on the job. Pretty tasty. I would also just chew on coffee beans in a pinch.
posted by Mothlight at 2:28 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:31 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

I don't understand why this has to be an either-or proposition. Sounds like the best thing to wash a bag of these down would be a hot cup of coffee.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 2:32 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

ThinkGeek used to sell all kinds of caffeine candy stuff back in the day, although sadly they seem to have greatly reduced their selection. Sic transit Gloria Gaynor, as they say.
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:33 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I can see these being great for hike-in camping, where you don't want to deal with coffee grounds or used tea bags. On the other hand, a nice hot drink is not just a pleasure, it can be really good for staying warm outdoors.
posted by Cranialtorque at 2:40 PM on September 22, 2016

No. Just no.

I get a lot of pleasure from a hot cup of coffee with sugar and cream. I see no pleasure in a cube.
posted by MissySedai at 2:45 PM on September 22, 2016

ENERJETS! Always spelled with ALL CAPS!
posted by lagomorphius at 2:51 PM on September 22, 2016

The L-theanine is also available in a separate pill for cheap

Oh helneaux. I tried that supplement once to help with anxiety, and it did - it gave me such a horrible amount of it that I considered going to the doctor and telling them I was afraid I would harm myself. For that reason alone I wouldn't try this product.

I ate a lot of Penguin mints in undergrad, which were easy to control but not very powerful, and tasted pretty awful.
posted by Countess Elena at 2:56 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Mister Moofoo: "Penguin mints?"

Ew ugh no. Penguin leaves such a bitter aftertaste.
posted by chavenet at 2:57 PM on September 22, 2016

Man, this hits all the exact wrong points of coffee for me. I absolutely abhor the taste of coffee, but kinda enjoy making it and the smell of it. None of the fun and all of the "Someone shat dirt and floor cleaner down your throat".

Something I think about with caffeinated gums and chews and whatnot is my experience with caffeine pill addiction/abuse in high school. I used to drink those horrid energy drinks and soda all the time until my tolerance was built up to much for the slowness of drinking a thing to effect me anymore, so I switched to no-doze. The issue I came to was that there is no reason to not just keep taking them and increasing the dosage faster over time. You don't need to spend time drinking a thing, you don't have to make time to make or acquire the beverage, and you don't need to piss a lot if you take to much. There's no cost to it, and at a certain point the feeling of a massive caffeine buzz is the new normal. I had to stop after a three day period where I didn't sleep at night but would rather crash for about 15 minutes at a time in class a couple times a day, prompting me to take more and more to stay functional as I also worked after school, often till midnight, until I was sitting up in the assistant manager's office waiting for the count, having heart irregularities and auditory hallucinations. I later did the math, and it turns out I was taking about 10 100mg pills throughout the day, and also still drinking soda. I had to taper down over a week or so to avoid feeling deeply, deeply ill.

That's a very long way of saying that making caffeine easier to take can have deep and dangerous side effects, especially for people working long hours under pressure, which is who I assume these are for.
posted by neonrev at 3:04 PM on September 22, 2016 [7 favorites]

I drink coffee mostly as a vehicle to bear delicious heavy cream into my body. However, I didn't feel any need to comment in this thread until I went and looked at the linked site and saw the "What's your GO CUBES face?" section. God, all those people look like such assholes. Maybe I'd be less curmudgeonly if I had some coffee cream in me.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 3:14 PM on September 22, 2016

This is where my family recipe for caffeinated tootsie-like rolls seems to be apt oncemore. Much more caffeine (And whatever nootropic bits you want to fiddle with), much cheaper, much less silly.
posted by CrystalDave at 3:23 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I seem to remember a European chocolate kind of like this.

we used Pocket Coffee to stay alert

Pocket Coffee, since 1979, now also To Go!
posted by progosk at 3:31 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

It's only a matter of time until someone comes up with either caffeinated bacon or bacon-flavoured coffee.
posted by acb at 3:34 PM on September 22, 2016

I bought these for some reason and can confirm that they taste absolutely awful.
posted by mrnutty at 3:38 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

One nice thing about making coffee is that you don't necessarily need to wrap it in plastic. But these, you have no choice.

Sweet K-cups, bro!
posted by oceanjesse at 3:49 PM on September 22, 2016

And then it has two servings per pack, so not only do you have the humiliation of plastic wrapped coffee, you have to let the second cup crumble around in your oh-so-busy pocket.
posted by oceanjesse at 3:52 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

It's 2016. Drink your breakfast soylent, chew your coffee cubes, and disrupt your bowls.
posted by mccarty.tim at 3:56 PM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

Has this generation entirely forgotten about cocaine?


does this generation know about white crosses because that is what we ingested PLUS coffee in my day

Okay this is honestly something that kind of bothers me whenever I run into the kinds of nerds who brag about their coffee consumption in the way this candy implies vs the people who are like "ya, I'm physically addicted at point" and quietly treat it as a maintenance habit, or the people who've just cowboyed up and moved on to illicitly acquired adderall or other stimulant drugs that never had a prescription label. In nerd circles, there's some direct inverse relationship between the actual potency of the stimulants you're addicted to and how much you talk about what a badass you are for consuming that much. That total innocence/wilful ignorance of caffeine's use as a drug (and what pansies these ppl sound like bragging about coffee intake) is just...I don't know. As an adult this rubs me the wrong way and I can't seem to justify it in any other way than being a snob or a bitch.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 4:02 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Okay this is honestly something that kind of bothers me whenever I run into the kinds of nerds who brag about their coffee consumption in the way this candy implies vs the people who are like “ya, I'm physically addicted at point” and quietly treat it as a maintenance habit, or the people who've just cowboyed up and moved on to illicitly acquired adderall or other stimulant drugs that never had a prescription label.

Yeah! You know what the best thing about drinking coffee is? It’s that you get to be part of the mighty historical tradition of drinking coffee! As an American, I drink coffee because it makes me feel like a detective (or a detective Pikachu, who now belongs to us), or a sleepless grad student, or someone eating that perfect slice of cheesecake in a diner. I drink it because we threw that stinkin’ tea off that boat, because it makes me feel like I stay up late doing meaningful, serious things and not just dicking around on my computer. I drink it for semiotics, and because it smells nice. Coffee isn’t for chumping around trying to get hyper-stimulated. Coffee is for making Dale Cooper jokes and knowing that it is part of the casual experience of being a modern American. Coffee is the American Religion, in the way that Tea is the English one. Don’t go screwing with it.
posted by Going To Maine at 4:12 PM on September 22, 2016 [12 favorites]

Listen, the high school ingestion of white crosses and coffee blew out my system in 1995. I can't have caffeinated beverages full stop. It had its price and it wasn't pretty.

For over twenty years, it's been decaf for me. Hell, I've finally been able to drink weak green tea in the past two years.
posted by Kitteh at 4:16 PM on September 22, 2016

Daiso sells something like these, if you want to get a bag of chewable coffee gummi candy for a buck fifty.

also tomato. tomato gummy candy. for lycopene on the go, I guess
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:31 PM on September 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

The pricing on these is surprisingly competitive.

The rest of the "nootropics" raise my eyebrows, but unlike many such products, this one is priced similarly to how I would otherwise get the same amount of caffeine.

I did just buy a bunch of coffee and some big cold-brewing jugs, though, so the timing is not perfect for me to see this.

A further problem is that I love candy, so having these as chewy gummies might make it hard to control dosing. This is also much more sugar than I take in my coffee, or even have in my diet on a typical day, which might have bad effects.

On reflection, I'm hungry right now, which probably explains why I want these. (I'm not withdrawing from caffeine, or drowsy. I certainly don't need a coffee right now. I should probably eat a banana or something, but they're at home.)

My Life.
posted by grobstein at 4:40 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'd be happy to get these as long as I can get some in non-coffee flavor. I wish I liked coffee, but man, I don't.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:16 PM on September 22, 2016

Cranialtorque: I can see these being great for hike-in camping, where you don't want to deal with coffee grounds or used tea bags. On the other hand, a nice hot drink is not just a pleasure, it can be really good for staying warm outdoors.

The traditional solution (no pun intended) is instant coffee. Personally I've always managed to find room for a collapsible Melitta-style coffee funnel, a few filters, and some pre-ground coffee even on multi-day trips (because a nice breakfast in camp is one of life's special pleasures) but if I were on a longer hike I'd probably go instant or just bring caffeine pills. Some AT thru-hikers I was giving food to recently wouldn't even take tea bags, because then they'd have to carry a bunch of old, wet tea bags around and who needs that?
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:33 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Oh who am I kidding, that pun was 100% intentional.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:38 PM on September 22, 2016

Mister Moofoo: "Penguin mints?"

Ew ugh no. Penguin leaves such a bitter aftertaste.
posted by chavenet at 5:57 PM on September 22 [+] [!]


No kidding... There is almost nothing more bitter than a Linux Nerd trying to proselytize to you about your choice of OS.
posted by Nanukthedog at 6:11 PM on September 22, 2016

Kitteh and Maine, you guys are way in the right here. I wrote that cranky post and sat for the full five minutes thinking "I should edit this away" and yet like a stubborn jerk who has never used stronger stimulants than Red Bull, let that garbage post stand. <3
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:14 PM on September 22, 2016

couldn't the techbros just lobby congress to bring back "diet" pills

Never went away man they're just ADHD pills now. Unless you also meant ephedra but that shit is kinda horrible without working as well or being as fun as amphetamines. Anyway they say the hot stimulant for tech dudes these days is Provigil...
posted by atoxyl at 6:54 PM on September 22, 2016

Kitteh,
Washing down white crosses with coffee just doesn't have the appeal of busting open a black molly over the grounds right before you brew your coffee. This can be a bit sketchy, however, when you are bent over a drawing in studio late in the night, and don't notice till one of your classmates says "just grabbed a cup of your coffee, thanks! "
Said classmate must not have liked it as much as me, as they turned down a second cup an hour or so later. Claimed to have not needed more coffee. Pshaw.
posted by rudd135 at 7:23 PM on September 22, 2016

I just finished going through caffeine withdrawal. Alternative caffeine supply options was not what I needed to read about today. It's definitely better for me to not have coffee, but I am missing it intensely. I hope the cravings will die down, because this is no way to live.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:02 PM on September 22, 2016

What the fuck these things are the size of a Rubik's cube. Might have been good as something to enjoy whilst weight training for a bit of extra pep - if they weren't 99% pure sugar - but not if they to be dealt with like a fucking salt lick. Why not just have a really big one and put it near the lifting chalk so we can all have a sneaky slurp while dusting our hands. I hope everybody involved with this goes broke.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:53 PM on September 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

Anyone else remember caffeinated water. It was fine when it was cold but when it warmed up it was bitter and awful.
posted by bendy at 8:58 PM on September 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Oh who am I kidding, that pun was 100% intentional.

I must admit you fooled me. Fucking GSVs think they're so fucking smart razzle frazzle...
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:08 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Wacky nootropic cubes? Came for the PRL 8-53, was disappointed.
posted by Joe Chip at 9:46 PM on September 22, 2016

I gave up caffeine many years ago, and lived without it for years. Diet Coke had been my delivery system; I used to keep a two liter bottle in my school locker. Loved the smell of coffee but hated the taste.

After a few years off the stuff, I got a job where every day started with a morning meeting around the coffee pot, and the rest of the day was so deadly dull that I literally had trouble staying awake. I figured if I keep my caffeinated drinks hot and my decaffeinated drinks cold, I could monitor my intake more easily, and it has worked out. I love not only the soothing hot drink, but the social aspect of coffee is pretty nice, too.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:57 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

This is entirely missing the point of coffee.
posted by boilermonster at 10:57 PM on September 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I seem to remember a European chocolate kind of like this.

we used Pocket Coffee to stay alert

Pocket Coffee, since 1979, now also To Go!

I think you forgot about a much older product ("Fliegerschokolade").

posted by PontifexPrimus at 2:20 AM on September 23, 2016 [3 favorites]

jonmc, I think you may be thinking of Pocket Coffee? It's the best thing ever. My closest source for the real deal is several cities over :(

Darn, too late. Sorry for the extra post.
posted by sincarne at 7:51 AM on September 23, 2016

I know so many people who can't keep themselves from taking an entire handful of gummy vitamins because "they're just so delicious!".

Hard pass on this one.
posted by R a c h e l at 7:55 AM on September 23, 2016 [1 favorite]

but we've already established that I don't have any pockets.
posted by BekahVee at 10:52 AM on September 23, 2016 [2 favorites]

no doz update

At the local RL Walmart they are 60 for $7.47 or 12.5 cents a pop. That is an order of magnitude cheaper than a cup at Starbucks!

(I have no idea how a smaller count and off shelf it's cheaper than online but I am sure the mighty Walmart computers are as good as anything google or apple has got.)
posted by bukvich at 3:57 PM on September 23, 2016